Croc! Bride vs. Crocodile

A sultry bride, beautiful bridesmaids, and worthless groomsmen and groom versus a croc!  Even better... this takes place in Hampshire in England. Even better,  Chrissie Wunna (one of this blog's favorite actresses) is one of the bridesmaids.  Her false eyelashes and cleavage will prove a worthy opponent for the misplaced reptile. In, what I believe is Miss Wunna's finest film, the death count will be astronomical, gore will be terrific, and cheese factor maximized.  Our feature today is 2022's "Croc!"  Directed by Paul W. Franklin, this is a film made by Jagged Edge Productions.

Dylan (Mark Haldor) a middle-aged hunk and father of the bride arrives to scout out a country estate where his daughter will be married.  Lame chore for a real man, he takes the occasion to bang the snot out of the wedding coordinator.  I mean, he gives it to her.  Her screams will be guttural and he will give her punishment that her nymphomaniac side will crave and remember forever. Anyway, this scene has little to do with the film but is appreciated. Okay, don't ask why, a 25-foot croc eats two campers in the pond by the estate.  Lisa (Sian Altman) and her bridesmaids arrive the day before the wedding. Vanessa (Wunna) is her best looking bridesmaid, and is Lisa's boss.  Amy (Antonia Whillans) is also a babe, is Lisa's bestie.  Others will be there but they'll be eaten quickly...like Georgie (Beatrice Fletcher).

Beatrice? Babe. Her and the groom to be Charlie (George Nettleton) sneak away for pre-marital sex. These two betrayers of Lisa will get a morality check when Beatrice is eaten and Charlie runs away with a secret he can never tell.  Now the day of the wedding, Dylan goes to look for Beatrice and finds the croc instead.  The croc almost gets Dylan, who has managed to start a nice fling with Vanessa, but heads to the wedding instead.  The big reptile will eat bridesmaids, the grooms parents, and chase all the others to the big manor house or pool house,  There, it will work on trying to outsmart the humans which will not be hard, at least for the groomsmen and groom.  The ladies and Dylan begin planning an assault on the reptile. Vanessa and Dylan grow closer.  Lisa seems perpetually annoyed at Charlie even though she does not yet know of his betrayal. Amy, the nubile blonde, well, she looks good.  All the babes will go to war against the creature clad in a bridal gown or nice bridesmaid attire.

Will Charlie, the two-timing groom get eaten by the croc?  Will the croc get all the bridesmaids?  Will Vanessa and Dylan end up being the bride and groom before the movie ends...or will they get eaten? With a great kill count and a large cheese factor, this is a must see film.  Chrissie Wunna will captivate you guys and you may miss the croc because of her eyelashes and cleavage.  See "Croc!"  

Basement Jack, A Neo-Slasher Classic

A true slasher film!  The plot is pulled right out of the 1980s.  What we will look at today is one of the finest slasher films of the last quarter of a century.  A great cast with a sultry final girl, tons of gore, an enormous death count, nudity, gratuitous pre-marital sex, etc. Oh, Tiffany Shepis is in this as a nice looking policewoman.  Our feature today is 2009's "Basement Jack," directed by Michael Shelton. 

Growing up, Jack (Eric peter-Kaiser) was sexually abused, tortured, brainwashed, and electrocuted by his sadistic mom (Lynn Lowry). He grows up to be a vicious serial killer who breaks into basements, lives there for a time, them murders the families who live upstairs. One night he murders the Cook family except for the nymphomaniac daughter Karen (Michele Morrow). The two will fight, wound each other, and the babe will barely survive and Jack will be arrested, sent to an asylum, and eventually get out. 10 years later, Jack's back doing his thing, murdering families and eluding capture. Now he's followed by a spiteful Karen who wants to murder him. She follows him to Downer's Grove where Jack begins murdering families and nubile nymphos. The PD there at first believes Karen is the killer, but the murders continue even after she is locked up. Now dweeb cop, Watts (Sam Skoryna), is her ally and the two are now a duo.

Jack keeps killing.  He kills hunks and babes in the throes of passion, young good looking families, and dozens more with his trusted machete.  Karen is a Jack expert and is able to figure out where he is and who he will strike next.  She'll even battle Jack, but again, to draws. Sadly, the Downer's Grove PD, with Lucille as a policewoman (Shepis) will not fare well.  Neither Karen nor Watts will remain unscathed, but their determination might just bring Jack's reign of terror to an end...but then again, this is a film highly reminiscent of 80's slasher flicks.

Will the babe Karen and the psycho-Jack engage in anything other than a machete duel?  Will Watts avenge the fate of his police department? Is Jack one of those psycho/slashers that just cannot be killed?  This is a good one, and for those of you who love gore, high death counts, intestines leaking out of babes, or blood covered nymphomaniacs, see "Basement Jack" before Senator Mike Lee's bill becomes law.

Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun, Psycho-Babe, Ghosts, and Peyote

Psychedelic to the max! Hallucinatory, like a bad trip!  This film was purportedly made in 1972 and never released because of the arrest of the moviemaker...until 30 years later.  Good story, but fiction.  This 2005 film is made in the style that it really looks like a 1972 film.  Babes behaving badly, drugs abound, murder aplenty, and eventually a lot of gore...today we look at "Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun," directed by Vin Crease.

The sultry Jennifer (Cheryl Dent) is a porn actress that goes bananas while being boinked from behind during the shooting of one of these adult films. After almost murdering her "co-star" (Pancho Moler), she is sent to an asylum for the criminally insane.  Against better judgment, Jennifer is released after six months.  On her way home she is found by a group of hippies led by the polio-stricken Damon (Crease).  Also in the hippie cult are three sultry lesbians, Sabbath (Heather J. Adams), Guilty Karma (Ryan Rogoff), and Violence (Michele Morrow). Jennifer's first night with her new friends sees her doing peyote with them.  The hallucinations start and awful memories return.  Can you guess where this is going?

Jennifer starts remembering her sister who died when she was a little girl.  A drowning accident...or did Jennifer murder her? The hippies do what hippies do and drugs are dealt like playing cards and soon one by one they will be gutted and ripped apart.  Jennifer insists she is not the killer, then again, what do you expect her to say.  When Sabbath is killed, Guilty and Violence suggest a seance...like that's going to be productive.  The hippie clan decreases and Jennifer is the number one suspect.  What follows are more hallucinogenic trips, bad dreams, ghosts, specters with  ominous warnings, and more gore.

Is Jennifer the killer?  Is it ever a good idea to adopt a porn star who is criminally insane into your club? I'm asking for a friend.  Can people tripping on peyote and acid ever see real ghosts?  Weird, psychedelic, and gory, this film has a nice cheese factor and a huge death count.  For something a little different, see "Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun."    

Summerhouse Slaughter, Cheerleaders Melted

Whether impaled, shot, or thrown from tall buildings, there is something that has us all cheering when cheerleaders get murdered...in film. Maybe they remind us of the gals who would never date us.  Or the gals who always got the boy you wanted.  Ditzy, blonde, tanned, and perfect.  None of us have been graced with perfect looks.  Besides, what would so many slashers do without these babes?  In today's feature, the beauties will get melted in an inspiring opening scene. Our film today is 2023's "Summerhouse Slaughter," directed by Dustin Ferguson. 

Six sultry high school cheerleaders running through their routine at a summer cheer camp are melted when the sprinkler is turned on and acid splashed on them instead of water.  Their skin will melt off their bones and their faces will drip down into their cleavage.  A horrible mistake?  Murder?  The next year, cheerleader coach, Ms. Paddington (Jennifer Banko) brings six more high school lovelies to this same camp. Courtney (Jazmyne Van Houten) is constantly ragging on Tanya (Julia Farrell). Courtney is upset that Tanya has been allowed in this camp despite coming from a poor family. Courtney has plans for Tanya which include a giant panda and a bear trap...don't ask, just go with it. Well, when the panda gets killed, the fiend dresses up as a panda and starts stalking the cheerleaders. You gotta like gritty reality.

One by one the gals die in some really unique ways. The panda has a javelin and impales the lovelies in some very private places.  No babe is safe in the bath tub, and gratuitous baths will be interrupted. Tanya emerges as a potential final girl and as the film progresses we think she may indeed be the killer.  Courtney, the b@#$h, gets meaner and we sense her demise will be quite prolonged and bloody.  We like the gals...well, maybe not...and cringe when they are murdered in such fiendish ways.

Will this cheerleading squad be massacred off completely just like last year's squad at this camp?  Is the killer one of the cheerleaders or some creepy caretaker (Ari Lehman)?  There are references in this movie to Cropsy in "The Burning."  Will any of these cheerleaders be deemed too beautiful to die or will this film follow the Giallo principles?  See "Summerhouse Slaughter" and do your own cheering.  

Naked After Midnight, Unrest in the Exotic Dancer Community

I know what you are asking.  You see Christine Nguyen and Erika Jordan both play strippers in this one and are wondering if this is just a gratuitous exploitation film, heavy on the T&A, with no redeemable cinematic value other than dirty stripping and maybe a semblance of a simple plot that will be ignored?  Oh, come on.  Do you think I would stoop this low and highlight a stripper-exploitation film on my blog? Well, I prefer to call it an exotic dancer exploitation film.  Of course, the answer is yes.  Yeah, yeah...there will be a ghost that pops up as often as the tally-whackers of the strip clubs customers. And yes, it is more sophisticated than those "Star Wars" films.  So enjoy my review of the 2014 Fred Olen Ray film "Naked After Midnight." Who would you rather look at, Carrie Fisher (gag me with a spoon) or Christine Nguyen and Erika Jordan?

Okay, Duffy (Jeneta St. Clair) performs at the Candy Cat strip joint and some psycho follows her into the back alley and blows her away. One stripper down, but not the last. Her murder is lead story on the evening news as reported by babe anchorwoman Constance (Catherine Annette).  Uh oh, Constance breaks down during the story as Duffy was her sister. The too helpful producer John (Tim Abell) is understanding and convinces Constance to take a few days off. Tim is in love with Constance but she is not in love with him. Constance has an idea...a bad one. Go into the Candy Cat and get a job as a stripper and find her sister's murderer.  Club manager Rikki (Tawny Kitaen) hires her and introduces her to the other dancers. Other dancers? There is Zoey (Nguyen) who is very nice. There is Tina (Jordan) who is a b$#@h.  There are a few others and you will see them all perform, a lot.

Uh oh...more murders.  Some of the seedy customers who are also suspects buy the farm.  Even one or two of the lovely strippers bite the dust.  Uh oh, again.  We find out more about the dead Duffy who keeps showing up to haunt Constance.  Duffy tells Constance to help her. Hey!  It's Richard Grieco as Constance's shrink.  Constance has a shrink? For what? More stripping. Zoey gives us a good number and so does Tina and a few more.  These actresses have apparently done this all before.  Uh oh...the last 20 minutes of this film turn this exploitation idiocy into a creepy ghost and murder mystery. Surprises abound and Zoey and Erika keep dancing.  Plot devices are added making this film a twisted but effective story of...well, you'll see.

Will Zoey and Tina end up in a catfight or is that asking just too much?  Will Constance catch her sister's killer before she herself is offed?  What does Richard Grieco know about our anchorwoman turned stripper that we would like to know? This one has a lot of cheesecake and better acting than "Star Wars."  For some surprising thrills and prurient entertainment, see "Naked After Midnight."  

Shark Night 3D, Bikini Babe vs. Sharks and Rednecks

Sara Paxton in a bikini is just what a predictable shark film needs.  She'll spend the entire film in the bikini thrusting her chest and pelvis and dripping wet in either sweat or swamp water.  Sure this film has twists, but you horror enthusiasts will see them coming from a mile away.  There will be hunks and babes who will serve no other purpose than to be shark food.  Sara Paxton, however, she'll wear that bikini so well, we'll pull for her very unsympathetic character to survive.  Today we look at 2011's "Shark Night 3D," directed by David R. Ellis.

Some Tulane University students are going on a long weekend to Sara's parents vacation home in the bayou.  I know, go to Gulf Shores or Destin, instead.  No...these idiots voyage into an island oasis in the swamp.  Uh oh...Sara's ex-boyfriend Dennis (Chris Carmack) is still living in the swamp and is not happy to see Sara is sweet on college boy Nick (Dustin Milligan).  Also along is the sultry Beth (Katharine McPhee) who gives us some nice strip scenes and bikini scenes.  Her cleavage is key in this plot... really! Okay, the kids begin having fun.  Sara sunbathes in that bikini while the rest of them go waterskiing.  The sharks eat throw-away babe Maya (Alyssa Diaz) and bite her BF's, Malik (Sinqua Walls), arm off. Now Sara and Dennis try to get Malik trauma help as he bleeds out.  Here comes Dennis and fellow redneck Red (Joshua Leonard).  They are too helpful and have dastardly deeds planned for Sara and friends.

Okay, Dennis and Red do all sorts of awful stuff to Beth after making her strip.  She'll be humiliated by these two brutes and fed to eel like sharks.  So sad, but while she lasted, Katharine McPhee was some nice eye candy.  Soon Sara, her new BF Nick, the dying Malik, and Blake (Chris Zylka) realize the shark, or sharks, are the least of their problems.  Red and Dennis prove to be lunatics with shark fetishes and this won't bode well for the bikini babe and her surviving friends.

Will Sara the bikini babe survive the sharks and her old boyfriend?  Did the makers of this film goof badly by feeding Katharine McPhee to the sharks when a good bikini catfight could have occurred between her and Sara?  Does a dripping wet and thrusting bikini role for Sara Paxton count as her magnum opus?  Stupid, gratuitous, and flowing with blood, cheese and beef, "Shark Night 3D" is a fun summertime movie. 

Terror Aboard, Homicide on the High Seas

We have one from 1933 today!  This is one with an extremely large death count as so many of the characters will be murdered on screen in so many different ways by one lone psycho.  We also have one of the earliest shark attacks ever put on the silver screen.  A nubile blonde in great peril, always a good thing in these films.  A square jawed, though not too adept, potential hero.  They'll die faster than you can count in this one, so put your life vest on and enjoy "Terror Aboard," directed by Paul Sloane.

As the film begins the seemingly derelict luxury yacht Dulcina is spotted in the south seas.  What happened?  No one on board is alive, the life boats are gone, and a couple of corpses of schmucks who died very mysteriously are found on board.  One blonde babe (Verree Teasdale) is found on deck frozen to death in 100 degree weather. So here is what the flashbacks tell us.  The owner of the boat, Max Kreig (John Halliday) receives a telegram.  Because of his bank fraud, he has been indicted for larceny and will be arrested at next port, Sydney, Australia.  Max keeps the matter secret but murders the ship's telegraph operator, as he knows of the message.  Max loves the sultry blonde Lili (Shirley Grey) and will marry her in Sydney.  Lili loves someone else, but her love, James (Neil Hamilton) is not on the yacht...yet.

Max has an idea.  Murder everyone on board, escape to an uninhabited island with Lili, and evade prosecution.  Now he must go about murdering everyone.  He sews seeds of suspicion on other officers on board.  Blackie (Charles Ruggles) as the steward has an apparent comedic role, but when Max murders his girlfriend, the chambermaid Lena (Leila Bennett), he teams up with James to protect Lili.  Yep, James has arrived.  Finding out Max has stolen his love, James crashes his airplane into the drink to be rescued by the doomed yacht.  Now James can protect Lili and it won't be long before he, Lili, and Blackie know Max is total psycho.  Max is now an experienced killer and he gets mighty good at it.

Do James, Lili, and Blackie have a shot at surviving the wrath of Max?  Will anyone else survive, or will Max wipe out all the rest of the passengers and crew...which would make this the bloodiest movie of all time?  What does a man-eating shark have to say about all this?  For an extremely clever film with a lot of imaginative death scenes, and a babe blonde in peril, see "Terror Aboard."