The Return of Doctor X, Humphrey Bogart Does Horror

Not a private eye.  Not a G.I. in the war.  Not a hoodlum.  Nope, Humphrey Bogart as a zombie like being, brought back from the grave, and seeking human blood. Yep, it is Humphrey Bogart as you have never seen him before.  White, pasty, and creepy looking. He is so creepy that he will never get a Lauren Becall, Katherine Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman or Mary Astor.  Let us take a peek at a really creepy film from 1939, "The Return of Doctor X," directed by Vincent Sherman.

Yep, after experimenting on babies, he starved them to death (probably a protege of Margaret Sanger), Doctor Xavier, aka Doctor X (Bogart), is executed in the chair.  Okay, an aggressive society reporter, Walter (Wayne Morris), lines up an interview with the international stage star, the beautiful Angela Merrova (Lya Lys). When he arrives at her hotel suite, she has been murdered, stabbed in the heart. Eek, by the time the police arrive, her corpse vanishes. Even worse, Walter insists he saw her dead, even though she shows up at his newspaper the next day wondering where the story came from. Uh oh, the sultry Merrova is looking pale. Walter is fired and he goes to see a buddy of his, the handsome blood specialist, Dr. Rhodes (Dennis Morgan).

Rhodes and Walter investigate and through their toil, Rhodes finds a blood sample. The sample is of a weird type and the duo soon figure out it is a synthetic blood invented by Dr. Flegg (John Litel). Flegg, just by chance, has a new assistant...yep, the pale Doctor X. Flegg brought him back from the dead after the execution and now the evil X controls Flegg. Even worse, X cannot survive long on the synthetic blood and needs human blood.  Now a pretty nurse (Rosemary Lane) is in peril as she has the same rare blood that X needs.

Will the pretty nurse be X's latest blood donor?  Just what are Doctor X's plans after his resurrection? Will the internationally renown Angela Merrova make a comeback and perform at Carnegie Hall?  This is a creepy one and even though Bogie received awful reviews from the critics for his role as Doctor X, he did a fine job and maximized the creepy factor for this film.  For a weird way to see Humphrey Bogart, and for a unsettling horror flick, see 'The Return of Doctor X."   

Dead in the Water, Sea Monster Chases Babes at Sea

We have a good one! Yep, a ship in the northern pacific manned by a crew of females! Yep, babes at sea. The ancient, and not so ancient mariners knew women aboard a ship was bad luck...and were they ever right. Of course, in defense of the babes, it doesn't help if a slimy, tendril and tentacled sea creature is also on board waiting to enter their bodies and eat them from the inside out. Oh, one of the babes is named Kat (Nicole Fortuin) and she will indeed get into a catfight...or should I say Katfight? Our feature today is 2018's "Dead in the Water," directed by Sheldon Wilson...a man!

Never mind why they are there, or what they are doing...they are an all women crew on a ship...it won't go well. Because they are women, their engine is shot and they don't know how to fix it. Kat and Rusty (Skye Russell) try but there are limits. Gwenn (Bianca Simone Mannie) is the useless captain, but her sister Dana (Nikohl Boosheri) is a bad-a** and this will come in handy when someone breaks out the harpoon gun. Erika (Tanya van Graan) is the very pretty professor who loves fish and hates boats. Michelle (Amy Louise Wilson) is the flunked out med student who will be called on to do a weird autopsy. Oh, Sparks (Christia Visser) will be the first infected. Infected? Yep. Unfortunately for the inept crew of babes, they pick up a stranger (Brandon Auret) in the sea, half dead...or more than half dead. Michelle and Erika try to save him but he goes spastic, grabs a scalpel, and tries to murder all the sailorettess.

The stranger yells "Kill me!  Kill yourselves!" Yep, a deadly parasite monster is inside the guy and when he finally dies, no thanks to the gals, the monster explodes out of him and into...well, you'll see. The thing has tendrils, tentacles, a small head, and is slimy and crawls through vents. Now the gals must fix the engine as a big storm is heading their way and if a rogue wave catches them, the dead in the water boat will capsize. Between fixing the boat and hunting the monster that is hunting them, the gals prove their incompetence. The thing infects the dames one by one and the surviving ones realize they cannot allow it to get to mainland. 

Would this 2018 film have been a box office hit if the dames were dressed in tight, shiny catsuits and stilettos? Would the fortunes of this boat have been better if there were a man aboard who knew how to fix an engine?  Will the monster kill all the dames and if it doesn't will the surviving dames be infected? This is a good one.  In fairness to these dames, the crew at Outpost 31 was all male and they did not fare well.  For some slimy sea creature horror, with catfights, and tentacles, see "Dead in the Water." 

The Golden Mistress, Love, Treasure, and Voodoo in Haiti

Our feature today is shot in Haiti using lots of Haitians in the cast. Haiti!  Was it ever a nice place?  By the looks of this film, it did have its beauty, at least in the 1950s, long before the Clinton Foundation got its claws into it and drained it of all its financial and natural resources. Before being raped by the Clintons, the island was a mess, but movies could be shot there. The real star of this film is bathing beauty Rosemarie Stack (she was married to Robert Stack for 47 years).  She'll have a number of gratuitous swimsuit scenes and a lot of lip-locking with hunk co-star John Agar. The allure of her performance alone is reason to put this one on. Now let us look at 1954's "The Golden Mistress," directed by Abner Biberman. 

Bill (Agar) is a loser treasure hunter trying not to have his boat repossessed.  Him and Carl Dexter (Biberman) both seek the statue of The Golden Mistress. Carl is a veritable thief whereas Bill is a good guy. Carl steals the statue from a voodoo ceremony and has the wrath of voodoo gods upon him. Yep, voodoo will win. Now Carl's sultry daughter, Ann (Stack), hires Bill after springing him from prison. The two have met before and hate one another and Bill ended up throwing her overboard. Now Ann needs Bill to find the treasure of The Untamed. The Untamed? A lost, maybe extinct, Haitian tribe that keeps a golden treasure. The Untamed, if they do still exist, hold the key to enormous wealth for Ann and Bill.

Bill and Ann? Yep...you guessed it. Ann hates him until Bill grabs her, forces a kiss on her, gets slapped for his effort, then draws her in tight and gives her an uber-passionate kiss. Bill knows dames and has just reminded Ann she is a dame. Now Ann will love Bill. So, take-that woke America! Men used to be men and women used to be women. The duo consult a voodoo chieftain who Bill has earned favor with, Iznard (Andre Narcisse). Iznard knows about The Untamed but does not want to endanger Bill by letting him in on forbidden secrets. When Bill saves Iznard's son from a shark, the voodoo chief takes Bill on a marvelous journey to Haitian ruins that reveal the location of The Untamed. This is a voodoo no-no, and Iznard will pay for his generosity.  Now Ann and Bill set sail to find The Untamed and the treasure that they seek.

Snakes, eels, octopi, barracuda, leeches, and crocodiles menace Bill and especially Ann throughout the duration of this film. Mrs. Stack is marvelous and so sultry in peril, in states of undress, all wet, and in swimsuits.  Bill is a perfect hunk that reminds Ann of her true role...a woman. For a non-woke voodoo thriller filmed in Haiti, see "The Golden Mistress." 

Red Sonja (2025), Sweaty Babes with Swords

Today we have a much maligned 2025 film that is a remake of a 1985 much maligned film. Truth be known, both are pretty good films. In the one 40 years ago, the film makers were so aghast at the performance of Brigitte Nielsen, they promoted this one as an Arnold Schwarzenegger film.  Today Matilda Lutz takes the title role and she is overshadowed by no one...except maybe Wallis Day. We have Ms. Lutz in a metal bikini wielding a sword and in several catfights with Miss Day, clad in white leather. Yep, this new one may be the best film of 2025.  The cheese factor is tremendous, there are beheadings, monsters, and even a mad scientist.  Let us look at the very ambitious "Red Sonja," directed by MJ Bassett.

In the days of swords and sorcerers, the sultry Sonja (Lutz) roams the forests communing with nature and animals. She has to as her village was destroyed by barbarians many years ago. Uh oh, the evil Emperor Draygan (Robert Sheehan) wants the forest. His desire is to cut down all the trees and kill all the animals. Red Sonja tries to stop him, but Draygan's bride-to-be, the insane blonde beauty Annisia kicks the snot out of Sonja and now Sonja is caged. Noticing Sonja's fighting ability, Draygan sends her to live in a cell with other frisky prisoners, for which Petra (Rhona Mitra) is one. They are used as fodder for arena fights with monsters and other brute barbarians. Sadly, Rhona Mitra will meet a bloody death here. Sonja and her mates will be put against a 30-foot cyclops. Uh oh, a mad scientist has invented a device that if put on the back of the monsters, their actions can be controlled by Draygan.

The prisoners escape and Draygan and his forces pursue them. In the woods, Sonja organizes her mates into an army. Draygan, knowing Annisia can kick the snot out of Sonja, tasks her with murdering the redhead. Another catfight looms and Annisia will again decimate our babe heroine. Now Draygan plots the extermination of all Sonja, her friends, all the animals, and the trees.  Sonja gets sweet on handsome Osin (Luca Pasqualino), but like all men, he is useless. Still, he's a hunk. Annisia continues humiliating Sonja, Sonja kills all others who she fights with, and the balance of good and evil is at stake in pristine forests.

The sword catfighting between the sultry blonde Annisia in white leather and Sonja in a metal bikini is alone worth the price of admission.  Babes and hunks will sweat and grunt as they wield weapons. Monsters will roar.  Swords will impale. Heads will be chopped off.  Oh, and yes, Rhona Mitra is in this. There is no reason not to see 2025's "Red Sonja," especially if you like sultry dames catfighting.   

The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre, An Awkward Horror Story

How many of you had awkward Thanksgiving gatherings?  That weird relative, who you swear is a pedophile was seated next to you at the dinner table. Or that drooling nerd who has never kissed a girl in his 22 years on the planet is asking you all about your revealing cheerleading costume.  Or perhaps your mom and dad asks everyone if they want to see your Christening photographs.  We've all had awkward moments during Thanksgiving dinners in our past, but in today's feature, an awkward Thanksgiving turns into cannibalistic horror...perhaps a metaphor for so much.  Let us take a look at 2025's "The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre," directed by Steve Lawson. 

400 years ago the Reverend (not priest) Fuller (Mark Topping) is banished from the settlement of the Pilgrims and forced to build his cabin in the wilderness. Winter comes and he and his big breasted wife are dying of cold and starvation.  Driven mad, Fuller grabs a sickle and axe and cuts his wife to pieces and eats her.  Then he takes his pistol and blows his brains out. 400 years later the weird Tom (Jo Krayer) comes to the cabin to spend Thanksgiving with his new slut-girlfriend, English-babe Sara (Dani Thompson).  Sara has big...er, a big smile and she and Tom have sex a lot.  Sara only has packed lingerie and negligees.  Also arriving at the cabin is Tom's teen-aged nerd son Noah (Brooklyn Ross), and teenage daughter Andi (Holly Higbee). Uh oh, Cyndy (Liz Soutar) is Tom's ex-wife and she is forced to stay for Thanksgiving after dropping the kids off because her car is dead. Cyndy and Sara sneer a lot at one another.

Awkward? Yes! Sara only wants sex with Tom and has no love for his kids or the ex.  The ex reminds Sara that Tom has no money. Then we find out this modern cabin was built on the site of Reverend Fuller's cabin. Yep, as Sara is seducing Noah in the sauna, Fuller is mysteriously resurrected.  The fiend immediately finds his old sickle and axe and is hungry again.  The horrific reverend intends to chop everyone up into little pieces and eat them.  Guess who he chops up first!  The answer might surprise you.  What follows is a heartbreaking horror story in which the victims are not necessarily the ones you figured would be victims. Even though Fuller is back and is hungry, both Sara and Cyndy probably have more to fear from each other than the ghoul who now hunts them.

Is there a catfight brewing between Sara and Cyndy...or even Sara and Andi?  Will Sara de-virginize Noah in the sauna?  Is there any happy ending for Tom now that his new lover and ex-wife are in close quarters with him?  This is a gory one and as far as slasher films go, there is some nice axe and sickle gore to accompany the cannibalism.  For a nice holiday horror film watch, see "The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre."

Hangover Square, Wake Up a Murderer

There you are.  You wake up, or snap out of it!  No memory of the last hour, or 24. The newspaper is filled with stories of young women strangled in your neighborhood and the cops have no clues. Anything to worry about?  For our protagonist, or is he an antagonist, in our film, there might be.  Even worse, there are two babes in his life...both have necks that scream, "Strangle me!" Laird Cregar usually plays the heavy, but in today's film, he plays a sympathetic sort who might be the victim of a weird amnesia. Our feature is 1945's "Hangover Square," directed by John Brahm.

George Harvey Bone (Cregar) is a wonderful pianist and composer. He's working on a beautiful concerto that will be performed and conducted in a big concert hall and directed by the great composer Sir Henry Chapman (Alan Napier). Uh oh, as the film begins George is murdering an antique dealer. Hey, we all have bad days. He'll wake with no memory of the past 24 hours and is worried he murdered someone. The cops investigate and George's buddy, Dr. Allan Middleton (George Sanders) assures George the knife in George's possession has no blood or fiber on it. Oh, George is sweet on Sir Henry's daughter, Barbara (Faye Marlowe). She's so pure and nubile. Uh oh, Allan is also sweet on her. Allan prescribes a treatment for George to rid himself of these spells...stop composing music. George has a concerto to finish for Sir Henry so he disregards this advice.  

George wanders into a dancehall and sees Netta (Linda Darnell) sing to a bunch of drunks. Her dancehall flair is not becoming of polite society but George is captivated by her. He writes a song for her to sing and she loves it. Now Netta uses and seduces George to keep writing her songs. George is entranced by this siren and is at her command. George thinks they are in love, though Netta is actually desiring to marry promoter Eddie (Glenn Langan). Uh oh, George has more spells and he also has a strong cord, perfect for strangling.  The bodies pile up and George keeps getting pulled deeper into Netta's world of seduction, exploitation, and ruin. Netta keeps seducing and she looks really great doing it.  George seems to be more focused on her neck, now.  As George is conflicted between writing a concerto for Sir Henry, and writing bar songs for Netta, his mind seems more apt to fall into one of his spells.

Will George murder one of the two babes in his life?  Will Allan wrest Barbara from George? Is George a good bloke or a prurient murderer that rivals Jack the Ripper? The ending of this film is one of the best endings ever put on the silver screen.  Ms. Darnell and Ms. Marlowe turn in incredibly seductive performances.  Laird Cregar, if you are unfamiliar with his work, is an actor you need to see more of. For suspense, and horror, and a great ending, see "Hangover Square."

Alpha Code, Denise Richards is in it!

Why, oh why, did I watch this movie!?  Easy.  Denise Richards is in it. Oh, that fighter guy, Randy Couture is in it too! Oh, so is Ben Foster!  Wait!  Did I say Ben Foster? Excuse me...Bren Foster.  What's the difference? The difference is Ben Foster is not in this one...even though we thought he was until midway through the movie. But, Denise Richards is in it and she looks...pretty good, though she could have smiled some more and showed more skin...just saying. Our feature today is 2020's "Alpha Code," directed by Keoni Waxman and made in the Czech Republic, or is that Czechia now?

Plot? Fine, but remember, you asked!  A woman and a baby are sucked up into a UFO in Prague. Relevance to the film?  Maybe some...who knows?  Okay, Martin (Ben, I mean Bren Foster) drives his sultry daughter home to a country cottage. Teri (Sabina Rojkova) might be the Czech version of Denise Richards...hopefully she will not date Charlie Sheen or catfight with Heather Locklear...though if those things were in this movie, they might have gotten Ben Foster to be in it. Yep, UFOs and aliens pay the cottage a visit and take Teri and leave Martin unconscious. Martin awakes in a hospital and the ruthless U.N. agent Ray Bowie (Randy Couture) yells at him.  Why? Because he's not Ben Foster, maybe.

Martin escapes to try to find his daughter and meets Johana (Richards) on line.  Upset Martin is not Ben Foster, Johana is vague with him.  Apparently Johana and Martin both had loved ones taken by the UFOs and Agent Bowie wants to kill them because of that...you know the U.N.  Johana introduces Martin to the "Unchosen." No, not the TV show. The "Unchosen" were not...chosen...by the aliens in UFOs, I guess.  But, their loved ones were.  Why?  Maybe the aliens wanted to get Ben Foster and this guy Bren shows up so they sic Randy Couture on them.  Maybe. Martin and Johana will kiss, but that's it, and Johana introduces him to Lance (Marek Vasut).  Lance tells Martin that he can communicate to the aliens.  Johana continues to look sad and serious and will set off with Martin to find...something by Geocaching. Nerds!

Will Denise Richards smile and have pre-marital sex with the guy who is not Ben Foster?  Couldn't the makers of this film spent a little more money and gotten Heather Locklear and put in a catfighting scene with her and Denise Richards?  Is this film required for Charlie Sheen in whatever therapy program he is in?  Oh, what Joel and the 'bots could have done with this one!  Well, watch the film if you must.  At very least...Denise Richards is in it...which is always better than Meryl Streep.  See "Alpha Code," and don't say I didn't warn you.