Thursday, June 20, 2024

Martian Massacre, Space War comes to Virginia

Forget that "Star Wars" idiocy! Forget "ET"!  Forget anything Spielberg! We have the greatest scifi film ever, or at least the greatest scifi film ever filmed in Danville, Virginia. Get this!  The alien asks Duke to take her to his leader. Duke refuses saying, "No way, I have warrants!"  ET should have met this guy! Perhaps a C movie, not a B movie, but still a lot more fun than this "Acolyte" garbage. Our film today is the epic from 2021, "Martian Massacre." Grab a Pabst, bend your best gal over your knee, burp a few times, and enjoy this James B. Thomasson film. After watching it you will never refer to Danville again as Lynchburg without the glitter.

Sultry space-babe Virago (Crystal Cleveland) witnesses her planet being destroyed by Martians. Her queen (Tamara Jones) gives her a box containing...well, you'll see...and ordering her to save herself, go to Earth, and start her life there with what's in the box. Virago obeys and comes to New, Danville, with the box. She'll meet pseudo redneck Duke (Bryan Matthew Ward) and ask to be taken to his leader. Duke laughs and takes her home. At home, Duke's niece Liane (Angel Nichole Bradford) is excited to meet the alien babe. She convinces Duke to help her. Uh oh!  The Martians want Virago dead and the box. They send the lizard-like guy Zeet (Shon Johnson) to earth to kill her and retrieve the box.  He arrives shortly after Virago with his laser gun.

Now on the run, Zeet seems to be gaining on them. Laser gun fights ensue. Earthlings are vaporized. Then Duke brings Virago to his friend Betty's (Heidi C. Cass) house. She's a dominatrix and will square off against Zeet wearing a leather outfit and boots. How will this go? in "To Kill a Mockingbird" with Gregory Peck, dominatrix' die awful deaths. Virago must survive as she is the only one left of her world.  With orders to start life anew on Earth, she begins getting attracted to Duke. Zeet gets closer and a showdown is imminent between Virago and Zeet in which the fate of humankind will be in balance. 

Just what is in the box Virago is protecting?  Will Virago be able to fight off Zeet and romance Duke? Do we need more movies about dominatrix' squaring off against lizard-type aliens or was 1980's "Ordinary People" the be all-end all of those films? Have yourself a lot of fun and watch a film made by people who know what we want in our scifi films.  See "Martian Massacre" today and shove some more pork rinds down your throat as you wash them down with a six-pack of Pabst.  

Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Aquaslash, Waterslide of Blood

No doubt...the best waterslide scene ever put on film. Even better than the one in Kubrick's "Paths of Glory." More importantly, we have a Renaud Gauthier film. This man makes Giallo-type films in Canada. Nubile babes being sliced up. Six-pack abs hunks sliced up.  Pureed, really. Death count? Enormous! Bikinis? Well, if someone has one on...they'll end up in at least four pieces. Many may see this film as a remake of "A Bridge Too Far," but this one has a higher death count. So today we look at 2019's "Aquaslash."

Brittany Drisdelle is a doll!  She has that Pamela Susan Shoop look. We plead with the screen that she will remain whole in this film. She is Priscilla, hired by waterpark manager Paul (Nick Walker) to run special events, like the high school graduation party in this film. Paul also is having a lot of pre-marital sex with Priscilla. The high school hunks and babes converge.  Brad and Cindy (Jeremy Lavigne and Samantha Hodhod), while making out, are cut into pieces. Yes, there is a killer loose...perhaps one from the 1980s when a massacre occurred at this same park. Suspects? Everyone!  Michael (Ho Jo Rose) enters the picture. He wants to buy the park from Paul and boink does everyone else. Boink Priscilla, that is.

The slashings continue. Nubile babes die horribly as do their hunk BFs. We meet lifeguard Kimberly (Lanisa Dawn), the redheaded lifeguard.  She's boinking Josh (Nicolas Fontaine). Josh is in a band and seems really sweet. Kimberly is also sweet and other than her proclivity for pre-marital sex, we really like her. Tommy (Paul Zinno) loves Kimberly too and is upset, in rage, that Kimberly now loves Josh. Trouble is brewing all the way around...and there is a killer loose!  Then...the last 20 minutes of this movie will forever be imprinted on your mind. What unfolds at the waterslide will be ominous, seemingly never-ending, and oh such a treat for slasher film fans.

With a wonderful cheesecake and beefcake level, this is a film you could bring a date to. Will Priscilla indeed be left in tact, unlike Pamela Susan Shoop in "Halloween 2"?  Just who is the psycho that will massacre so many bikini babes and six-pack abs hunks? Will Kimberly and Priscilla engage in a catfight in the water while ripping off each other's swimsuits? Hey, just thought I'd throw in that last just never know.  See "Aquaslash" and relive 1980s slasher films.

Sunday, June 16, 2024

Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except, Vietnam Vets vs. Evil Cult

Sam Raimi as the Charles Manson type cult leader, with his brother Ted as one of his followers! This cult is evil, too.  They would have given Manson and his clan a run for the money. What they do in this film is difficult to watch...rape...dismember...torture...humiliate...and even babies will not escape their wrath. Cults and psycho Vietnam vets were Hollywood's two biggest plot devices in the 70s and 80s. They were used to inflict carnage, rape, and yell a lot. Vietnam vets didn't molest children on Epstein Island, like Big Hollywood aside I had to throw in. In our film today, the four returning marines (returning from 'Nam) are heroes.  Great to see. Today we look at 1985's "Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except," directed by Josh Becker.

Jack (Brian Schultz) is shot twice in the leg trying to take Lamb Chop Hill.  But for the heroics of his buddy Walker (Robert Rickman), he would have been dismembered by the enemy. Now, with a cane, Jack moves into an abandoned cabin in the woods and rekindles his romance with babe Sally (Cheryl Guttridge). So sweet. As they frolic, a cult led by Sam Raimi (he thinks he's the Messiah), does home invasions, rapes, kills babies, tortures and guts any campers they meet, and seems to take over the woods. Now Jack hosts Walker and two more war buddies, Tim (Tim Quill) and Dave (John Manfredi) at his cabin. Uh oh!  The cult invades Sally's home, tortures and murders her grandfather (Perry Mallette) and abscond with her. Seems Sally will be their blood sacrifice.

Now the four marines assemble a bunch of weapons and go in search of the cult. There will be a lot of fighting, gore, and the USMC will go through the Manson wannabes like crap through a goose. The gore in each kill, and there will be so many of them, will be extreme. Sheers to the eyes, impalements, and other bloody ways to die. Sam Raimi ties Sally spread eagle between two trees and...well, you'll see...but it is quite naughty. Jack and his buddies are unrelenting.  These four don't believe in asking questions...they just go in shooting. Maybe General Milley or Lloyd Austin could take a lesson from Jack and company instead of losing any war they come within  ten thousand miles of? That's it for now, see the movie to find out the ending.

Will Jack be able to rescue Sally un-soiled?  With a heavy redemption theme as Jack and his buddies come back to the U.S. and set out to save civilization and become this film an inspiration for "Godzilla Minus One"? Gory and sordid...some of the viciousness will be quite taboo. Not an easy film to watch but so very satisfying!  See "Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except" today.  

Friday, June 14, 2024

The Brides Wore Blood, American Euro-Trash

Looks like Euro-Trash. Even has lookalike Euro-Babes!  You know...those babes who are in peril, nude, and often meet bloody fates. You may even say Spain...or Malta when you see the scenes. Nope! This is a Florida film.  Today we have a film with babes in peril, sometimes nude, often covered in blood, and stalked by a vampire seeking to mate. A metaphor for coeds on American college campuses, perhaps. With nubile and full-breasted dames in great danger, we will look at 1972's "The Brides Wore Blood," directed by Bob Favorite.

Juan (Chuck Faulkner) is a vampire, in Spain, perhaps. He got that way when ancestors played with the occult and could not keep it in the bottle, so to speak. Now every male offspring of his will also be a vampire. He needs a wife to breed with. Carlos (Paul Everitt) is his weird uncle and conspires with Madam Von Kirst (Billie Jensen), a medium, to break the curse. The two are'll see. Okay, don't ask too many questions, but four babes are needed...this is Carlos and Von Kirst's paln. Yvonne (Dolores Friedline) is selected to be the bride and she is lured overseas to Juan's mansion.  Also lured there are three other babes; Dana (Dolores Starling), Vickie (Rita Ballard), and babe Laura (Jan Sherman). Eventually they all will dine with Juan and Carlos as he selects Dolores as his bride. 

Juan and Carlos trick the quartet, or drug them, to spend the night. At night Juan feeds on the nubile and negligee duo of Dana and will be turned into a vampire, the other will be drained. Laura's worthless BF will arrive and accomplish absolutely nothing as Juan turns a machete on him. Entranced, the naked Yvonne will be groped and caressed by Juan as he plants his seed into her.  Now what?  You'll see.  Now the real gore and horror will occur.  Meanwhile, Carlos and the Madam believe they have a plan to end the family curse.  Irony and twists abound and the ending will be a lot more horrific than first thought.

So sad, so many nubile babes die horribly, but will Yvonne emerge as a 'Final Girl'?  Will there be a nice catfight between Yvonne and vampire Dana?  Will the family curse continue in Yvonne's offspring or will she do something about it?  Alluring, erotic, prurient, and graphic..."The Brides Wore Blood" is a fine piece of American Euro-Trash."

Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Immanence, The Bermuda Triangle and Atheists

Atheists are weird. They are more likely to believe in Satan than they are in God. They are more likely to choose Satan, as well. Obedience to God is silly and weak, so they claim. Obedience to Satan is self preservation. Don't believe me?  Well...I have a film for you.  Today we look at 2022's "Immanence," directed by Kerry Bellessa.  Warning to you Atheists/scientists...this one may offend you. I would hope you guys would be very inclusive even when seeing something you find offensive.

Jonah (Michael Beach) runs a charter boat. In his spare time he is a radical religious (Pentecostal) zealot chasing Satan. His back story explains this. The owner of the boat, Davis (Eugene Byrd) summons him back from an exorcism as four pukes...I mean scientists charter the boat. The scientists, sent by SETI, believe an extraterrestrial life form has splashed down in the Bermuda Triangle. Roman (Anthony Ruivivar) heads the team and brings his assistant, Naomi (Summer Bellessa), and two babes, Suzu (Asenneth del Toro) and Harper (Kasia Pilewicz). The six head out to sea with fancy equipment that seems to lock on weird signals coming from the ocean floor.  They find the location and all hell breaks loose.  Literally.

Okay, Jonah tries to convince the team that the phenomenon currently occurring undersea is not E.T. manufactured...but maybe biblical. This brings him scorn and ridicule from the scientists/atheists. Then weird stuff begins least to the scientists. Jonah, who has read the Bible knows what is going on. A pig comes up from the depths and this freaks out the atheists. Then a parallel dimension appears... you'll see.  When pigs and parallel dimensions come calling, Atheists find themselves short on proven data. Oh, those two babes...and you will like them...especially Harper...well, they are fifth and sixth in the credits.  Satan has a special place in Hell for those characters fifth and sixth in the credits it seems. Oh, Satan (Jamie McShane)? He'll show up and put a real downer on this scientific expedition. 

Just what did splash down in the Bermuda Triangle?  Will part-time exorcist Jonah be able to exorcise the devil on his boat?  Will a lifetime of denying God doom everyone else on the boat?  This is a creepy good one.  If you saw 2023's "Nefarious," this one has similar themes.  It is nice to see Atheists mocked in the movies, for a change.  See "Immanence" and if you really want to delve into God, read the Book of John or listen to old Adrian Rogers sermons.

Monday, June 10, 2024

Ape, The original Idea for King Kong and Godzilla

Joanna Kerns, who you all remember from the TV show "Growing Pains." How many of you remember her when she went by the name Joanna DeVarona? Right...sounds like a porn star, thus for a family TV show the name had to be changed. Her first movie, made in 1976, is a goodie about a 36 foot ape that falls in love with her.  Of course, DeVarona's character has mixed feelings about the ape that abducts her as the 36 foot monster also has a great big...well, never mind that, for now. Today we look at a film from Korea, 1976's "Ape," directed by Paul Leder.

Sultry blonde actress Marilyn Baker (Kerns) arrives in Korea to star in the film "Rape in the Forbidden Zone," based on a Charles Dickens classic. In this film, Marilyn walks into rooms and is immediately raped by whichever horny man is in there already. Little does she know, just before her arrival in Korea, a 36 foot ape escapes from an American freighter and stomps onto the peninsula. The monster stomps over villages, villagers, and is headed right for Seoul. The U.S. military, headed by Colonel Davis (Alex Nicol) is incompetent...a pre-cursor to the U.S. military effort in Afghanistan. Now the ape stomps over to the movie set just in time to see Marilyn running from a rapist. The chivalrous beast grabs Marilyn and absconds with her. The actress is initially alarmed until she figures the thing has a great big...well, never mind that.

Oh, Tom (Rod Arrants) is a reporter who loves Marilyn. They spend a lot of time sucking face and drooling on one another. He runs into the countryside and rescues Marilyn. Now the big ape stomps into Seoul looking for Marilyn.  In a city of 10 million, there must be a few dozen homes and apartments to look through. The creature goes through all of them in his search for the beautiful actress who men seek to rape and drool over. Just like Fay Wray, Joanna Kerns is found, grabbed, and brought on the ride of her life.

As "Ape" defined the ethos of South Korea, Kim Il Sung's North Korea made "Petals of an Iron Lotus" in 1976.  Defining the ethos of North Korea, this film chronicled the development of intellectual siblings as they came into consciousness about their roles in a maturing post-World War 2 Asia.  The dichotomy is barely ever spoken about here in America. Will Marilyn Baker be able to finish "Rape in the Forbidden Zone"?  Will her fate with the big ape mirror her fate of her character in that movie? Is this film the reason Kim Il Sung refused to have anything to do with his southern neighbors? See "Ape," and fully understand the geopolitics behind North and South Korea relations.

{Note:  This review contains a fair amount of...embellishment} 

Saturday, June 8, 2024

Offworld: Alien Planet, Incompetent Crew Fails

What does the future look like?  Women commanders on space missions.  You ever notice that even in the movies, this does not work? Biden and woke-NASA promised us a woman stepping on the moon by 2024. Guess what!  Not happening. Best bet for someone to step on the moon comes from India or China. As America takes woke and diversity hires into the future, our feature today shows us what the results will be.  Today we look at 2024's "Offworld: Alien Planet," directed by Terry Cooper.

Global warming, though proven a scam, is used as a trope in this film to tell us that Earth is failing and we need to colonize other worlds. Earth assembles the best and brightest to man (or person) a space mission to another habitable planet.  The cargo will be DNA of plants and people, and 250 Earthlings, no doubt representing diversity, to seed and populate this new world. Jan (Daniella Britten) commands the ship and never makes a decision that's even remotely close to being a good idea.  Her soon to be BF pilot, Russ (Cooper) steers the ship into an asteroid and the thing crashes in the new planet. There is a smart guy in this group who is always right, the security guy Ronson (John Varker). No one listens to him...though they should. You guessed it, Ronson does not check off any DEI boxes.

Led by an incompetent commander, Jan, the surviving crew begin meeting with accidents and parasitic bug things.  The bug things re-animate dead bodies.  Those newly reanimated beings become zombies that eat flesh.  Oh yeah, Carrie (Katerina Clayre) gets impaled by a pipe and is now dying.  After fending off a mini-horde of dead crew members, the merry band of incompetent trudge along at a pace of 15 feet per day.  A slow crew, no doubt.  They are looking for an established colony they believe exists on this rock. There is Chen (Ainsleigh Barber). We like her.  She's got spunk.  What she does not have is any bearing on the plot.  One by one, the surviving crew die.  Ronson tries to start a mutiny, but no one follows.  The incompetents favor Jan.  Pity...they should have followed Ronson.  Let's stop here.  The twists that will occur in the last part of the film only affirm what I have insinuated above.

Was Jan picked as a commander for this mission to save humanity the same way NASA and Biden will pick a woman to be the next human to step on the moon?  Is the end of the human race okay if diversity and inclusion principles are followed?  Don't blame me for this political incorrectness as I point out Hollywood itself chronicles the fates of female-led space expeditions.  See "Offworld: Alien Planet," and then decide if you ever want to fly a Boeing aircraft again.