Temptation, Lesbian Vampires Sucking and Kissing

Yep, another lesbian vampire film.  Right, the vamps are clad in lingerie or other kinky party gowns.  Yep, the vamps are fond of one another and are great kissers. Right, they hang at a strip/dance club call and lure brute men to alleys or back hallways and suck them dry...of blood.  Well, let's face it, we just can't have too many movies with these tropes contained.  Our feature today, from England, is 2009's "Temptation," directed by Catherine Taylor.

Having just caught her boyfriend sucking face with another dame, Isabel (Caroline Haines), all dressed up in a sexy party gown, meets her friends after work.  Sad and betrayed, Isabel runs out, cries, and is helped into a taxi driven by a rapist.  Yep, he rapes her, and guts her with a knife.  Along comes the sultry redheaded vamp, Aurelie (Rachel Waters).  Right, you guessed it.  Aurelie is a centuries old vampire searching for her long lost love, a dame named Margo.  Right.  Margo is a spitting image of the sultry vampire Margo. Aurelie drains the rapist of blood, and bites and shares blood with the almost dead Isabel.  Isabel is now on her way to becoming Aurelie's lover.  Not realizing the score, Isabel runs off and goes home.  There, she finds her babe sister, Kylie (Laura Evans). Like all sultry blondes in England, and they are rare, Kylie is taking a bath.

Isabel is alarmed as sunlight decimates her and all she hungers for is...you got it...blood. Isabel runs off as Aurelie and her vamp brigade continue draining men and dumping the bodies.  The police are now investigating and the clues lead them to Isabel.  Isabel is drawn to Aurelie and some nice make-out sessions ensue.  Still, Isabel is hesitant about signing up with the coven, or whatever you call it, but Aurelie knows it is just a matter of time.  More make-out sessions occur, the cops get closer, and now Isabel's old boyfriend (Alexander D' Andrea) wants her back...he has no idea.

Will Aurelie eat Isabel literally or figuratively?  Will Isabel eat Simon, literally or figuratively? Will Aurelie and Isabel become passionate lovers or deadly enemies (you know dames)?  This is an erotic one, though may not have surprises, it does have a huge cheese factor.  For arousal purposes, see "Temptation" and enjoy the scenery.   

   

#AMFAD: All My Friends Are Dead, No One Gets Away with Anything

You won't get away with it. However brilliant and perfect your murder plot is...you won't get away with it. First, we need to give credit to the casting. The four actresses, five really, in this film are all stunning. Watching Jade Pettyjohn, JoJo Siwa, Jennifer Ens, Ali Fumiko Whitney...and Michaella Russell in danger and in the throes of passion is quite the cinematic privilege. The hunks?  Yeah, they're okay, too. The kills...gory to the max.  Sure, an experienced horror film fan will see the twists coming, to a certain point. Our feature today is 2024's "#AMFAD: All My Friends Are Dead," directed by Marcus Dunstan.

Okay...something happened 20 years ago at the Karmapalooza Music Festival. A serial killer murdered seven college kids in a motif of the Seven Deadly Sins. He was never caught. Fast forward to two years ago...something else happened...and what exactly that was will remain a bit of a mystery until the end of this film. What we do know is pretty Collette (Siwa) had her head blown off.  Police say suicide, but from what we see...highly unlikely. Now, present day, seven great looking college students are headed to Karmapalooza.  This is the first Karmapalooza since the murders 20 years ago. Clean cut but sultry Sarah (Pettyjohn) is the responsible one and drives her six friends. Her best buddy is Liv (Whitney), and the bitch in the group is influencer Mona (Ens). Mona is hot and will make out with hunk and babe alike. She'll have a gratuitous bikini scene, a gratuitous pre-marital sex scene, and a gratuitous...well, never mind that for now.

Oops...secrets emerge. Sarah is curious as she is new to this social group.  See, everyone, including Sarah gets a text from the dead Collette. Uh oh, everyone in the group knows something about how and why Collette's brains leaked out over the floor of a cabin in the woods.  Now, one by one, the gang starts dying in grotesque fashion. All the murders have a connection to the Seven Deadly Sins. One of the gals has acid dumped all over her, hence she ceases being a babe. Sarah appears clean cut and above all evil that has taken place in this group.  Mona is so, shall we say "bitchy," that we wait for an extra excruciating death for her.  But wait!  All is not what it appears. Oh, I haven't mentioned Michaella Russell as the babe policewoman...watch the movie and understand why. When the final reveals are...revealed... it will be shocking.  Then just after the final credits roll (watch the final credits), you will see that maxim play out that I began this review with.

Is Sarah really an innocent player in this bloody game?  So, just who is this babe cop and why has she not been mentioned in this review?  Is Mona too beautiful to die?  This is a good one and is a slasher film in the true sense of the word.  For a great cheesecake factor, and incredibly gory kills, see "#AMFAD: All My Friends Are Dead" and try to figure out who will be the final girl. 

The Utah Cabin Murders, Psychos vs. Mormons

Perhaps there is nothing new in this brutality tale of murder and desperation.  Still, the makers of this movie have something to say, or preach, and the final 20 minutes becomes an anthem for the human soul. Perhaps out of place in this vicious work, but perhaps something that separates this psycho-killer film from other cabin in the woods psycho films.  Like it or not, there is something in this film that will speak to you, whether you want it or not. Anti-Mormons will hate it.  Our feature today is 2019's "The Utah Cabin Murders," directed by Andrew Jones.

I guess they're Mormon, a seemingly happy and clean-cut family who has rented a wilderness cabin for Christmas. Richard (Erick Hayden) is the dad, initially annoying, but he has a Herculean task...keep his family loving and assuage bitterness between his daughter Tina (Jennifer Sims) and his wife Patricia (Anna Ruben). Tina describes herself as the 'prodigal daughter,' but she may be over-stating matters.  In reality, Patricia just favors her other daughter Linnea (Tiffany Ceri).  Both blonde and beautiful daughters will be unequally loved by mom, until Hell comes to visit. To make matters worse, the mom, Patricia, is having a crisis in faith...seems she's upset that there are hypocrites in the church (Yawn!).

Enter two escaped convicts, Taylor (Lee McQueen) and Ed (Derek Nelson). They are pure evil and break into the cabin and initially hold grandma (Lucy Aley-Parker), Patricia, and Linnea hostage.  They ruthlessly execute mom and grandma.  Now Richard and Tina arrive home and these two will now be drawn into a veritable hell. Meanwhile, two cops, Sheriff Redwood (Dennis Farrin) and Deputy Wilkes (Jason Homewood) are wrestling with past demons as they will get the call to respond to the cabin. Taylor and Ed are brutal psychopaths who look at the blonde sisters with rape in their minds.  Can any of this end well?  Now there's the relevant question.  

Enough of the plot.  The real questions posed by this film will be ignored, but for the faithful among you, you'll harp on them.  Will Redwood and Wilkes be able to respond in time to save any of this victimized family?  Will Taylor and Ed carry out the sexual assaults on the blonde daughters? Is hypocrisy merely a red herring used by Patricia to mask greater sins?  This one won't get a lot of love, but for the more devout among you, see the brutally explicit "The Utah Cabin Murders." 

Clown Nightmare, Greatest Clown Horror Film Ever

Yep, the greatest clown horror film ever!  Most of you will agree that Stephen King's "It" movies were over-rated and dull. "The Terrifier"?  Yawn!  However, the apocalypse and a re-imaging of an H.G. Wells classic, with a big dose of creepy added?  Now we are talking. Also, the sultry Tucky Williams as a babe laboratory assistant, clad in a white lab coat, boots, and wielding heavy firepower is something that will inspire you forever.  Our feature today is the micro-budget "Clown Nightmare," directed beautifully by Mark Holmberg.

Mark (Holmberg) is the videographer for mad scientist, and H.G. Wells wannabe, Jerry (Jerry Williams). Jerry has invented a time machine, or at least that is what he thinks it is.  His beautiful lab assistant Tucky (Tucky Williams) joins him as they are about to fire it up.  Oops!  Yeah...not quite a time machine.  Instead of sending the crew to a different time, the machine opens up a portal to a clown universe and creepy clowns, by the millions come through. These bug-eyed weirdos are ominous and terrorize the Earth as they take it over.  Todd (Todd Burrows) joins the crew, and so does BDSM actress Penny (Penny Abney), who uses a paddle in her work. Now the clowns converge on the film studio sending the surviving earthlings into underground tunnels.

Okay, the survivors are separated but get away.  Now Todd, Mark, and Jerry are trying to get back to Tucky...who loves shooting machineguns at clowns...who doesn't?  Penny?  Clown food, sadly. Never mind Penny, Kayla pops up!  The perky blonde also loves shooting machineguns at clowns.  We like her a lot, and you will too. The clowns are ominous and like cockroaches...they get in.  A master wizard clown appears and seems to be able to transcend the time and space continuum, or something like that.  Now Jerry has to work fast.  He needs to use his mad scientist brains and invent something to close the portal and get rid of all the clowns before the military nukes the whole country.

Will Tucky and Kayla get into a catfight or have a make-out session?  Will Jerry adjust his time machine controls to get rid of the clowns?  Are the clowns just a metaphor, and a weird foreshadowing of the soon to emerge Biden Administration?  This is a good one and Tucky Williams' character is one that you will take a liking to from the start.  For some good clown carnage, and realistic end-of-the-world drama, see "Clown Nightmare." 

Star Time, A Slasher Born from TV

What do you get when we mesh "Videodrome" and "Henry: Portrait of s Serial Killer"? Yep, today's feature.  The two aforementioned 1980s horror classics obviously inspired this 1992 offering that may be the magnum opus of John P. Ryan.  This fable is convicting and perhaps talks to all of us about what our minds do when deluged with the nonsense we watch every week on the tube.  Madness and gratuity abound, and some of this film will break your heart.  Let us look at "Star Time," directed by Alexander Cassini.

Uh oh...Henry's (Michael St. George) favorite TV show, "The Robertson Family" is ended by the network.  This show was not a mindless sitcom to Henry.  The characters were real and in his mind, his family. The mentally unstable Henry has only one friend now, his social worker/therapist, the nubile Wendy (Maureen Teefy).  She does not really have an understanding of this cancelled show or what it means to her patient's psyche.  Sadly, she'll find out.  Now, Henry is about to commit suicide when the head of "The Robertson Family," the dad (Ryan) shows up and introduces himself as Sam.  Sam is distraught too but more philosophical.  He convinces Henry not to end it all and instead to make something of himself in show business.  Become someone important.  Be significant.  Matter.  Yep, you guessed it, a serial killer.

Sam fixes Henry up with a hatchet and a baby mask.  Soon, after dozens of murders, Henry will be known as "The Baby Mask Killer."  He preys on families who are watching TV.  In Henry's mind, as coached by Sam, he is making his victims important by allowing them to be covered on the evening news.  Being on TV is akin to immortality.  Now Henry is immortal and loving the fame.  Poor Henry, his sense of reality was never there.  Even sadder, the pretty Wendy has no idea the level of Henry's delusion and paranoia. With hatchet in hand and mask on his face, Henry sets out to win over Wendy and also to introduce her to Sam.  Sam is not pleased that now he will have to share Henry with this babe.

Is Sam real or just part of Henry's insane brain manifesting itself as his new buddy?  Will Wendy be able to figure out Henry's true level of madness before meeting a hatchet in the head?  Is this film an accurate metaphor of what TV has done to the past three generations of Americans?  Heartbreaking, with an astronomical kill count, and difficult to watch, this is a splendid slasher film and Mr. Ryan, Mr. St. Gerard, and Miss Teefy all turn in stellar performances.  See "Star Time" and evaluate what your favorite TV show is doing for you, or to you. 

Blood Sabbath, Nude Witch Babes Dance and Frolic

Yep, the highlight of this film is babe witches dancing in the nude. A lot of jiggling and wide steps. No, not the remake of "The English Patient," but a drive-in quality horror/exploitation film from 1972. No hag-type witches here, no way!  These witches could have been drawn from the LA Ram cheerleading squad, and are very perky. Plot? Of course...and shouldn't more plots be full of naked babes dancing and frolicking?  Our feature today is "Blood Sabbath," directed by Brianne Murphy.

David (Anthony Geary) is a PTSD (in the early 70s, we called this 'shell shock') ridden Vietnam vet, just back home. Now he's a drifter with a guitar until naked hippie-chicks try to rape him and steal his guitar. Left for dead, the sultry water-nymph-witch Yyala (Susan Damante) arrives and cares for him. The two fall in love but the nymph tells him she can never be with a man who has a soul. Thus she leaves. Distraught, David desires to lose his soul and meets hermit Lonzo (Sam Gilman). He tells David to forget about all this as no good can come of it. David is in love, though, and is determined to lose his soul so he can be with Yyala. Turns out Yyala is part of a coven of nude and dancing witches headed by Alotta (Dyanne Thorne). She wants David, too. 

So here's the deal. The witches sacrifice a child on the altar every year and in return the neighboring town has a great harvest. This agreement is satisfying to everyone except a moralistic priest (Steve Gravers). Now David asks the priest how he can lose his soul.  This does not produce productive dialogue.  Now David finds Alotta and demands she take his soul so he can be with Yyala.  Alotta is a sly devil and has a plan in which she herself will end up with David and Yyala will be banished.  Ignorant of Alotta's treachery, David agrees to a blood rite which will include a lot of nude dancing.

Will David and Yyala be given to one another by Alotta, or will Alotta fool both of them? Will there be an epic catfight between Alotta and Yyala with mud pits and Jell-O?  Are these witches a pretty good metaphor for babes in general?  See "Blood Sabbath" and get your fill of nude dancing and jiggling.

Shriek of the Sasquatch, A Malaise in Bigfootville

1979, a malaise has overtaken America, or at least President Carter had told us. The idiot from Georgia staffed his administration with incompetents and crooks and confessed to lusting for babes that were not his wife.  The Islamist Revolution was born and the Soviets entered Afghanistan...all the while Carter told us to turn the lights off. Today we have a film set in 1979, and filmed like a low-budget drive-in.  It is also a deceptively terrific film that features one of this blog's favorites...Sarah French!  Throw in gore, pre-marital and very gratuitous sex, and dismemberment and we have 2011's "Shriek of the Sasquatch," directed by Steve Sessions.

They're so cute...Nick (Danny Versiga) and Julie (French), on a road trip in his Dodge 442. Near Biloxi they stop in a town and unbeknownst to them, Bigfoot has also settled in the woods there. Bigfoot has begun his homicidal spree and he initially focuses on babes and hunks in the woods getting nude and sometimes having pre-marital sex. He'll swat their heads off, claw up their abdomens, and eat their insides...a metaphor for the Carter Administration?  Meanwhile, Julie gives us a gratuitous yellow bikini modeling session. With severed heads popping up, Deputy Hobbs (Todd Cockroft) is on the case and is apparently a believer in our cryptid. Through some unfortunate circumstances, and a broken down 442, Julie and Nick are stuck in town.

Bigfoot continues his rampage and Mr. Sessions has given us some nice cheese as Bigfoot fodder.  A sultry hitchhiker (Deanna Meske) and a underwear clad Disco babe (Alice Ford) are two victims in scenes that will break our hearts.  Yep, you guessed it, Julie and Nick will not be immune.  They'll come face to face with the thing in an incredibly frightful and gory series of scenes.  Julie, the nubile babe, now out of her yellow bikini, and into some denim, will be the classic damsel in distress.  Bigfoot, like all us guys, will pursue the hot blonde...but will Nick have anything to say about all this?  The ending? You'll see, but it is a neat one.

Does Bigfoot merely want love, and if so, isn't Julie just what he needs?  If Bigfoot wants Julie, where does this leave Nick?  Is this film a definitive morality statement imploring all of us to avoid pre-marital sex and nudity in the woods?  Ms. French is fantastic in this and the other actors and actresses are too.  The gore, kills, and surprises are all first-class, and Mr. Sessions does present a nostalgic look at early 1970s drive-in cinema.  See "Shriek of the Sasquatch" and enjoy Sarah French as the nubile damsel in great distress.