Bikini Shark, The Best Shark Film Ever from England

Looks like we picked the wrong week to stop sniffing bikinis. No, not a random insane statement, but  a very real plot point from our film today.  Did Peter Benchley and Steven Spielberg envision, after Jaws, that a film about sharks attracted to bikinis instead of blood was to follow? Well, given the success, or lack of, of The Deep, Benchley may have wished he thought it up. English dames in bikinis? Pale and chubby. Sharks in lakes? Well, that is a common plot point even here in the States. A mad scientist who infuses bikinis with a parasite that eats skin and drives sharks wild? Now that is something that tops Fish and Chips and those weird Dr. Who phonebooths.  Let us take a look at 2025's "Bikini Shark," directed by E.J. Marshall.

As our film begins, two babes are eaten after they don bikinis that moments ago washed up in the surf. The sharks came on land and chased the babes down. Okay, Beth (Amber Olivia), a sultry blonde, is driving to her grandfather's house to clean it out. The old bloke went missing recently. Jenna (Jessie Vinning) and an uncredited babe, Kirsty, are also with her. On their way are the sultry Ginger (Alina Varakuta) and her beau, Danny (Christian Ndonda). A mad scientist, Truman (Tyler Winchcombe) is kidnapping babes, stripping them, putting bikinis on them, and feeding them to sharks. The sharks come on land to feast. Truman started a bikini line called bikini-net. He cut corners and the garments are infused with a parasite that melts skin and attracts sharks. Truman believes it is his divine duty to capture babes and adorn them in his bikinis and feed them to sharks.  I can see that.

Ginger and Donny won't make it to the house. Donny is eaten by a shark and Ginger is chased by the sharks and eventually captured by Truman.  Ginger is the best looking dame in this film and her fate will be so hard to watch. Enter Stephen (Jules Prudhon), a psycho drunk. He is Beth's old BF and little does Beth know, he has impregnated Janna. Drama!  The sharks, who live in a nearby lake converge on the house after Kirsty finds a bikini and dons it.  She'll begin melting and the sharks get excited.  Now Beth must get Kirsty to the hospital, but Truman and the fish will prevent that.  The sharks will feast some more and Stephen, being the psycho that he is, pulls a gun and orders the dames into the mouths of the sharks.

Got it?  I know, gritty reality right out of today's headlines.  Whether the sharks are a metaphor for the Biden Administration or Big Pharma, this film works so well as social commentary. Will Beth kill the sharks, Truman, and Stephen--and survive this film?  Is Truman onto a good idea as being eaten by sharks is quicker than skin cancer caused by excessive tanning? Will Truman be saved by men in black from the Military Industrial Complex?  For a low-budget shark film from England (something none of us asked for), that is totally cheesy, see "Bikini Shark."

Christmas Bloody Christmas, A Vulgar Holiday Tale

Now that we are out of the Christmas season, we can look at a film that has a vulgar view toward the holiday. A true slasher film with a behemoth kill count, and a babe final girl who only wants to drink alcohol, engage in steamy and deviant pre-marital sex, and smoke weed. Because she is quite the babe, we are inclined to pull for her.  This will be one of the bloodiest films you ever see and even if our final girl survives, she will be...well, you'll see. With a plot closer to "Terminator" than "A Christmas Carol," 2022's "Christmas Bloody Christmas," directed by Joe Begos, is our feature today.

The sultry, often high and inebriated Tori (Riley Dandy) owns a punk record store.  Her employee, Robbie (Sam Delich) is in the friend zone until alcohol is a factor...then he is her deviant sex partner. It is Christmas Eve and across the street is a toy store with a robot-Santa made with military grade technology that malfunctions.  Tori's bestie, Lahna (Dora Madison) and her husband Jay (Jonah Ray) are axed to death while they engage in sex after store hours. Now the robot Santa (Abraham Benrubi) is on the loose in the town with an axe. He'll follow Tori and Robbie to her neighborhood.  While Robbie engages in deviance on Tori, Santa axes his way into a neighboring house and axes a mom, dad, and little boy. Next, Santa comes to Tori's home, butchers her sister (Kansas Bowling) and her beaux and sets his robotic laser eyes on Tori and Robby.

Tori and Robby are now on the run but Santa is relentless.  Cops are called and massacred by the axe wielding robot as are paramedics. Tori makes it back to town and is arrested by the sheriff (Jeff Daniel Phillips). The arrest is short-lived as Santa arrives back to town in an ambulance and wreaks more havoc. The thing is a killing machine and destroys the town so fast there is not time to call for help. Tori runs and hides, grabs a shotgun, and runs and hides some more as Santa has put her on his naughty list, probably justifiably so. All-out war ensues and Santa seems indestructible.  He is impervious to bullets and fire. As the streets of the town are littered with body parts, blood, and snow, Tori continues her quest for survival. 

Will the nymphomaniac, high, and drunk Tori prevail against this Santa that was created by the defense department?  Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor of what our Department of Defense and their buddies in the Military Industrial Complex actually want to do to us?  Is pre-marital sex on Christmas Eve a sure recipe for dismemberment?  This is one of the bloodiest holiday movies you will ever see and because our final girl is so attractive, we do pull for her even though her favorite word is f***.  For a bloody, horrific, and poignant film for our times (with a lot of very gory kills), see "Christmas Bloody Christmas." 

Empire of the Dark, Bounty Hunter Tries to Save Sacrificial Damsel

I was going to say sacrificial virgin, but the babe was hardly a virgin. Not important. Today we have a film in which 40 or 50 ghoulish demons will either be decapitated or have their limbs lopped off by a holy sword. Babes in white sacrificed on an altar by a satanist. A 30 foot tall drooling monster demon hunting for babes to eat. Machineguns, swords, and other weapons used against the forces of evil.  No, not "Fried Green Tomatoes," but 1991's "Empire of the Dark," directed by Steve Barkett, and co-produced by Fred Olen Ray.

Angela (Tera Hendrickson), during grinding pre-marital sex with the oafish Richard (Steve Barkett), tells him she can't marry him. Whether this was a relief to Richard, or not, is debatable. She marries a satanist instead who will sacrifice her to Satan in a cave that is a portal to Hell. Happens.  Through dreams, Angela beckons Richard, now a bounty hunter, to come save her. He tries, but is only able to save her baby. The baby, Terry (Christopher Barkett) grows up and 20 years later he has dreams, like Richard, of his mom and Richard's former lover, pleading to be rescued.  Apparently she still lives and this satanist, who goes by the name Arkham (Richard Harrison), will make her his 20th babe sacrificed this year. See, every 20 years he must sacrifice 20 babes, though they don't have to be virgins. Now Terry and Richard enlist the help of cop Eddie (John Henry Richardson), and get good at swordplay, get the swords blessed by a nun, and plan a mission into this portal to Hell to save Angela.

Oh, the satanist guy sends hordes of demon ghouls topside to steal babes and kill their boyfriends.  The 30 foot demon thing follows and rips the boyfriends in two. Now Richard and Terry, armed with swords embark on a mission to save the skank Angela.  I guess she's been laying on a sacrificial altar for the past 20 years looking helpless and seductive. Into the entrance to Hell, our duo goes, and immediately fight these demon ghouls.  Demon heads will go flying, as will their arms, behemoth monsters will spring to the defense of the underworld, and the skank Angela will continue looking good unconscious on the altar.

Will Richard and Terry save Angela?  Will Arkham succeed in sacrificing Angela as the 20th babe thus winning the opportunity to rule the Earth, or something like that?  Will the swords be sufficient or will our would-be heroes ditch them for machineguns?  This is an ambitious one and would have been quite a find in the straight-to-VHS market in 1991.  For a film with sultry babes in danger (though not virgins), monsters, sword play, satanists, and machineguns...see "Empire of the Dark."

Big Bad, Werewolves in Mississippi?

Werewolves in Mississippi? Maybe.  Whether it is a werewolf, a science teacher, or maybe something else, we still have a hairy monster going after great looking teens. Skinny dipping teens. Cheerleaders. Hunk athletes. A cool policewoman. All the character tropes from slasher films are here as far as the characters go. No Meryl Streeps or Whoopi Goldbergs in this one, thank heavens. Let us look at a witty monster film, filmed and set in Mississippi, 2016's "Big Bad," directed by Opie Cooper.

There is an elongated opening scene, which everyone in will die horribly. Of note is the skinny-dipping, beer expert, Marie (Bridgette Potts). She gets torn to pieces while trying to find her pants...may we all go the same way. The culprit? That brings us to the main part of the film. Suspiciously, science teacher, Mr. Howell (Daniel Dauphin) is trying to raise money for the school but only gets three students to help. They are not necessarily doing it willingly except for the babe Crystal (Madeline Thelton). She's hot and also hot for basketball jock Danny (Cameron Deane Stewart) who signs up because he is hot for cheerleader Chase (Ainsley Bailey). The fundraiser? Yep...the trio will spend the night locked in the closed down Marion County Jail, the sight of a massacre long ago. Howell will lock them in and...well, that's a good question. Uh oh...Howell has something else in mind.

Apparently Howell turns into a werewolf (Bradley Bishop) and enters the jail to shred the three great looking teens. The teens get loose form their cells and the chase is on. The damsels shriek and run nicely and Donny tries to man-up and be their protector. Along comes the sultry Deputy Marcus (Hannah Bryan). Now the werewolf thing is loose and pursuing.  Uh oh...is the thing really a werewolf?  Is Mr. Howell really the monster? Just a hairy monster with big claws and teeth chasing a cheerleader, a babe nerd, and a jock basketball second-stringer...and, oh yes, a babe cop in uniform. 

No spoilers here and any description of the second half of the film would give too much away. Will the cheerleader and the nerd babe enter a catfight over the bench warmer basketball player?  Will the werewolf prove to be looking for a mate to have its children?  Is Mr. Howell really the monster and is this monster really a werewolf? This is a fun one, almost a comedy, but very witty and fast moving.  See "Big Bad" for a Friday night creature feature and enjoy some great looking characters and a toothy creature.

 

Charlie's Farm, All-Star Cast Served on a Buffet

Tara Reid!  Bill Mosely!  Kane Hodder! Will any of them survive? The foe is a big monster of a man who will make Jason or Michael look puny.  In Australia, we all know, if you go 200 yards in from the east coast, mutant hillbilly type fiends wait to eat you.  That's what we have here.  We also have hunks and babes and we are sad that we just know they will die horribly.  Skinny-dippers? Yep! Castrations? Yep! But, will there be a final girl and will that final girl be Tara Reid? Our feature today is 2014's "Charlie's Farm," made in Australia and directed by Chris Sun.

Tara Reid!  Tara Reid!  Tara Reid! Blonde babe extraordinaire. Right...the movie. Four great looking pals set off to camp eight hours inland...mistake. Natasha (Reid) is hesitant when she finds out that her beau, Jason (Dean Kirkright) plans on bringing them to Charlie's Farm. His buddy, Donkey (Sam Coward) has a huge tally-whacker, and is game. Oh yes, Melanie (Allira Jaques) is along for fun. Poor Melanie, she has "being caught by a giant mutant, violated, and ripped apart" written all over her face. We will be sad to see her go. Oh! Charlie's Farm? over 20 years ago a posse from the town murdered John Wilson (Mosely) and his wife when they found out the Wilson family took in backpackers, then raped and ate them. A vicious metaphor for AirBNB? The only family member not accounted for after the massacre is the young boy Charlie.

Charlie (Nathan Jones) is all grown up, I mean really grown up! He still occupies the farm through underground tunnels. When our four hunks and babes show up to camp, he is quite taken by the two babes, Natasha and Melanie. A couple more arrive, backpackers, but that's just to get the kill count up. Now one by one, Charlie hunts them down and the kills will be incredibly gory.  Poor Melanie, so sad what Charlie does to her. Oh, Kane Hodder!  Right! Well, you'll see.  If you are wondering if you'll see a knockdown drag out fight between Charlie and Jason...rest assured...you will. No spoilers here, but we do pull for Natasha to survive...but odds are not in her favor.

Will Jason be able to dent the disgusting veneer of this Aussie super-killer wannabe?  Will Charlie do anything else to the babes other than...well, never mind.  What is it with the outback that produces so many cannibalistic mutant types...and be advised, if you follow Australian elections...these creeps vote. Gore, cheese and beef, cannibalism, skinny-dipping, a behemoth kill count, and some classic slasher tropes will all be served in great frequency, so see "Charlie's Farm."

Snake Creek, Bigger and Toothier than an Anaconda

The Chattahoochee River in Tennessee is the setting for a vicious one featuring a serpent that is 29 feet long and very toothy.  It's venom is deadly, and does not like tourists.  Our feature today is sort of a mesh between "Deliverance" and "Anaconda."  When city boys wearing tube socks and sandals go canoeing in the Tennessee wilderness, bad things are bound to happen.  Let us look at 2025's "Snake Creek," directed by Charlie Steeds.

Our four city boys are kind of annoying but nice enough. Bill (Adam Bash) has the makings of a final-guy. Sadly, the only babe in this one is eaten early on.  He annoys his buddies, Patrick (Paul Ogletree), Kevin (Lukas John), and James (Tristan Green). The four of them annoy the creepy general store crossbred, Woody (Scot Scurlock). This will be unfortunate for the city boys as Woody seems to have control over a 29 foot serpent, which we will get the backstory on. Willow (Faith McCoy), a city babe is hunted down and eaten by the serpent...sad. Now after an unproductive episode with Woody, the four tube sock gents will be hunted.  Along comes the big snake.  As the quartet, in two canoes, paddle down the Chattahoochee, the thing attacks.

James is dragged away and dissolved by acidic venom, but Kevin merely has his face bitten.  Now Bill and Patrick have to contend with a dying friend as their canoes are lost in the river.  The snake is mean and has all the advantages against the sandal clad city slickers.  Woody and his brothers grab machetes and other bladed weapons and also hit the wilderness to dissect the strangers.  Woody proves to be a maven at torture and dismemberment, and the snake is aggressive and hungry.  One wonders if this film will have a Ned Beatty squealing type scene, but happily, it will not. The monster is brilliant!  No CGI or AI...a rubber thing with big teeth played very well by the f/x guys.  

Will any of the city slickers survive?  Could this film have benefitted if instead of guys in tube socks, we got babes in bikinis? Okay, dumb question. Should more monster movies bring back rubber puppets and shelve the CGI?  This is a good one and because the monster is so cool, this is a very enjoyable horror film.  Treat yourself to the best monster snake film of the decade and see "Snake Creek." 

The Monolith Monsters, Unscary Horror

As a wee lad in Boston, I used to turn into WLVI-TV, Channel 56, every Saturday afternoon for "Creature Double Feature."  Godzilla films!  Vampire films!  Werewolf films! Frankenstein films!  Et cetera! I loved them all, except for two movies.  "The Magnetic Monster" and our feature today just did not do it for me.  Not scary and no monster...not really.  Though as an adult, I see the horror in these films were more horrific than the ants in "Them," or the creature in "Creature from the Black Lagoon." Still...can't blame a kid for wanting something slithery, toothy, or clawed.  Our feature today is 1957's "The Monolith Monsters."

A meteor falls to Earth near San Angelo, California. A small town. Ben (Phil Harvey), a geologist with the Dept. of the Interior, takes a piece of the meteor, brings it back to the office, and accidentally gets it wet and...  Well, the trouble begins. The next day Dave (Grant Williams) arrives at the office to find it in shambles, a bunch of black rocks strewn about, and Ben turned to stone. Uh oh!  Okay, the one babe in this film, Cathy (Lola Albright) takes her class on a field trip to the desert and little Jenny picks up a rock and brings it home. Yep, the rock gets wet and the next we see of Jenny's place, it is in shambles, covered in rocks, and both of the girl's parents have turned to stone and Jenny is in the process of turning to stone. Dave, the geologist is worried as is his babe GF Cathy. Jenny is brought to a LA hospital and rock scientist Arthur Flanders (Trevor Burdette) arrives to offer expertise.

Yep, Flanders and Dave find out the meteor rocks will grow and multiply when it gets wet.  Yep, a rainstorm arrives and now the rocks are growing and spreading from the desert to the town.  If more rain arrives, or the rocks hit a nearby lake, the entire country could become The Rockies.  Dave, Cathy, and Flanders work tirelessly to find out how to stop the meteor rocks, and how to save Jenny before she becomes all stone.  More victims of the rocks turn to stone and now the town readies to evacuate.  

Will Dave and Cathy swap any spit in this film or will the film be as void of romance as it is void of scares?  If the rocks had been replaced by slimy tentacle things, would this film have been a B Movie classic we all would own on DVD?  Will Flanders come up with an idea that will save humanity? Not scary, but fun to watch.  Dave is a hunk and Cathy is a babe, and the story is fairly compelling.  The special f/x are fantastic.  For some B Movie fun, see "The Monolith Monsters" and see it as a double feature with "The Magnetic Monster."