The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace, Giallo in the Finger Lakes

Ah, Giallo! Gratuitous Italian horror. One remembers Edwige Fenech...the queen of Giallo. Edwige nude. Edwige in undies. Edwige in shiny black boots. Edwige in peril...or putting another sultry Euro-Babe in peril. Oh, the memories. Thanks to Mark Polonia, we have another Giallo film...sort of.  His homage to this subgenre is so much fun and conjured up great memories.  Our feature today is 2024's "The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace," directed by Mr. Polonia. Set in New York state and starring the wonderful bikini-clad actress, Alyssa Paige.

Our film opens as a model from the Massimo agency (Jacqueline Sissenstein) is in nude bondage in some seedy basement, bound with yellow duct tape. A masked killer taunts her, then offs her with a machete. Happens...at least in Giallo films. Okay, in need of a new model, the agency brings in the sultry blonde Arianna (Paige). She's sultry and does bikinis and undies nicely. Her life is about to change as the director of the agency, Contessa (Jennie Russo), sets her up with dozens of social media obligations, all designed to show her assets and bring in big bucks. Her boyfriend, Jack (Addison Turner), is weird, and a bit moralistic. This causes friction. More models from this agency are also murdered by this masked killer in black, usually with a knife, though one is drowned in a tub...I think Edwige went that way in one of her films.

The killer is now transfixed on Arianna...as are we...so we don't hold it against him...or is it a her? Arianna will continue to make love to the camera and this is fine with us.  The killer gets more and more aroused and keeps pursuing dames attached to the agency. The pretty will die horribly in humiliating fashion, and Arianna seems to be next. Enter a weird cop, Officer Dante (Jeff Kirkendall). Now he emerges as a suspect, as is Jack, the other models, her photographer (Marco Sandoval), and some clients of the agency. Yep, everyone is a suspect.  This film includes all the Giallo tropes and always reverts to gratuitous nude or underwear scenes.

Will Arianna make it to the ends credits without getting skewered or disemboweled?  Will any of the gorgeous models of the Massimo Agency survive?  Just who is this killer that stalks the beautiful? Oh!  I should mention, the wonderful Lynn Lowry has a terrific scene in this film that puts the world of modeling in perspective. The cheese factor is amazing as Miss Paige absolutely gets into her role.  For some fun European fun, without leaving New York state, see "The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace."  

Mother Lode, Charlton Heston Terrorizes Kim Basinger

Kim Basinger, the perfect damsel in great distress. Of course, in this film, the terror and peril she is in will not match that of which she experienced in her marriage to Alec Baldwin. One might argue that her character in today's film was not necessary to the plot...I disagree.  Whenever you have a sultry blonde, who is a total ditz, good things happen. With grunting mountain men, a semi-imbecile leading man, and mud-filled settings, putting Kim Basinger in the film is perfect. Today we have a forgotten gem from 1982, "Mother Lode," directed by and starring Charlton Heston. Oh, co-directed by Fraser C. Heston. Did I mention Kim Basinger, at her acting peak, is in this?

Okay, somewhere in the mountains of northern British Columbia, the mother lode exists...gold!  It is just waiting to be found. As the film begins an unfortunate schmuck (Rocky Zantolas) tries to find it and is pick-axed by...Silas (Heston). Silas is a mountain man who believes he is the only one with a right to this lode. Mention gold...and schmucks come running. The schmuck has two friends...Jean (Nick Mancuso) and Andrea (Basinger). I hazard to say he liked Andrea more...not because of her wit and personality, though. These two board a small plane and head up north.  They crash land in the lake near the mine and are found by Silas...who initially comes across as helpful. Good for Nick...he does not trust Silas.  Now Silas must contend with Nick and Andrea.  Andrea wants to find the man Silas murdered.  Nick wants...gold!

Silas tries to get the duo to leave with their lives.  Greed engulfs Nick and this ruins all his chances to get into Andrea's pants. Andrea is imperiled by Silas and...someone else, you'll see. With Nick going totally crazy with gold fever (greed), Andrea is grabbed by...you'll see. Silas, the madman prospector, has his own mine where he believes the gold is...and Nick finds it.  War between the two rages and Andrea may just be the prize for the winner.  Not that Andrea will have anything to say about this...but, seriously, she's just a ditzy blonde in peril.  I mean, its not like we're waiting for her to assert some anthem on the evils of greed, or that all women should be respected.  After all, its Kim Basinger...

Will Nick be able to take out Silas and take possession of the gold mine?  Will Silas, with all his grunting and bad manners, get Andrea?  Babes love grunting and burping men, after all. Will the quest for the gold turn into the quest for Andrea's affections?  This is a good one filled with great British Columbia scenery and great Kim Basinger scenery.  For a nice movie of the night find, see "Mother Lode."

Sawbones, A Cheesy Dr. Giggles Rip-Off

We have a nice straight-to-VHS one for you from 1995. Three years after "Dr. Giggles" shocked us, another medical thriller with a major league cheese factor arrived on video. Yep, the sultry Barbara Carrera will end up strapped on a gurney with her clothes ripped off as her boy toy will be prepped for castration.  I bet you did not think you'd hear that sentence when you got up this morning.  Still, we don't talk about the uber-hot Barbara Carrera enough.  Our feature today is "Sawbones," directed by Catherine Cyran.

One of the greatest characters ever put on film is Jenny (Nina Siemaszko).  She works in the admissions department of a med school.  Her boss is Rita (Carrera) and Rita hates her. The ditz is a contradiction to all the hard working brains at the university and the attached hospital. An under achiever, leads with her T&A, fails at any endeavor she undertakes, and is all slut...until one day. Yep, some weirdo who was rejected for admission at the medical school, Willy (Don Harvey), begins kidnapping people and giving them a drug so they are 100% aware but unable to move.  With the victim quite awake, Willy operates on them and removes their internal organs.  One day, while driving, and all dolled up, with her BF Brad (Nicholas Sadler), she finds the remains of one of Willy's victims.  Because of this she meets hunk detective Burt (Adam Baldwin) and is inspired.

Now, to her great peril, she begins playing detective.  Rita will yell at Jenny and humiliate her by stealing Brad. More and more victims will have their organs surgically cut out in Willy's basement and flushed down the toilet.  Now Jenny will be in danger of losing her job in the admissions office and also lose her fiancé. Even worse, her brilliant ideas will endanger Rita who is now target #1 for the psycho Willy.  Willy has something special planned for Rita, which entails stripping her, and Brad.  Now Jenny, a generally good person, will endanger herself by trying to play the hero and saving these two creeps who have made her life miserable.  Oh, yes.  Detective Burt?  Not a great detective, but he and Jenny begin falling in love.

What will Willy do to Rita, the admissions director who rejected him, as she is naked and in bondage?  Will Willy turn the tables on Jenny and put her in bondage, as well?  Will Jenny and Rita engage in a catfight over the medical student hunk Brad?  This is a gory one with a great cheese factor. For a gratuitous look back at straight-to-VHS prurient thrillers, see "Sawbones."   

Graphic Desires, AI, the Sex Trade, and Murder

AI...let's cut to the chase.  Its biggest impact will be in the sex trade. Porn. Prostitution. Self-gratification. Legalized deviancy including BDSM, torture, and bondage.  Yeah, right...go ahead and tell yourself that AI will help cure cancer, create geniuses out of school kids, help hospitals prescribe the right drugs, and make the paralyzed walk again...sure. Go ahead and tell yourself that.  The perverts and deviants of the world will reap the biggest rewards...if they can survive this AI. Our feature today is 2022's "Graphic Desires," directed by Andy Edwards. 

Okay, so here it is...but do not pay to much attention to my plot description. Franklin (David Wayman), works from home on computer stuff. His live-in GF Candida (Sian Altman) is a babe nymphomaniac with some really sexy undies. She wants to have a lot of pre-marital sex with him, but he is not interested. Instead, he gets addicted to online porn and chatrooms.  He also is lured to get an app on his phone, Smasher. His bestie, Brendan (Ocean Harris) does the app and gets instant hook-ups. When Candida is away on business, Brendan meets the raging pervert Atlanta (May Kelly) on the app. They hook-up and she is all deviance all the time. Then poof!  Atlanta is gone. Off the app and seemingly out of Franklin's life.  Franklin is now addicted to Atlanta's deviance and will stop at nothing to find her.  He has Brendan, who is a hacker, try to find Atlanta using computers, as Brendan knows how to design apps.

Uh oh...Brendan finds something out about Atlanta.  Worse yet, Candida finds out Franklin had gone out and met Atlanta. Now Candida wants to find Atlanta and pull her false eyelashes off and shove them up the slut's nose. Okay, stop. Think you got it? You don't. Then everything changes.  No one is who you thought they were...except Franklin...he's all pervert. What Brendan finds out about Atlanta is horrific and he understands his buddy Franklin will not be able to handle the truth.  Worse yet, Candida is determined to find Atlanta before Franklin does.  You think you got the twist...you think Atlanta is not real. Ha!  Nope, you still don't get it.  Kinkiness, deviance, bondage, whipping, torture, and humiliation await...and it won't be made up.

Who is Atlanta and where did she disappear to? Why is it so important for Candida to find Atlanta before Franklin does? What exactly did Brendan find out about Atlanta's whereabouts and identity? Instead of getting the Smasher app on your phone, plough into a kinky and deviant techno-thriller, and see "Graphic Desires."

Heatstroke, Monster Lizards and the Sweetheart

The sweetheart? Danica McKellar!  She just turned 50 a couple of months ago.  We first set eyes on her in that 1988 TV show "The Wonder Years."  In that show we watched her blossom into a really nice looking teenager.  Danica McKellar as a super model?  Okay, maybe miscast...but maybe not.  Throw in some monster lizards, army men, another babe or several, and we have a nice Syfy movie with D.B. Sweeney as the leading man.  Our feature today is 2008's "Heatstroke," directed by Andrew Prowse.

Okay...he's looney...maybe. Cpt. Steve O'Bannon (Sweeney) of the US Army is part of a special unit that is folding because of lack of results. Then, Steve gets results. See, Steve is plagued by nightmares of dinosaur creatures sneering at him through his TV set. Ever since childhood, he has had these dreams. Then while hang gliding he is attacked by a lizard creature and sent spiraling into a photo shoot filled with bikini clad supermodels. Ruining the shoot, supermodel Caroline (McKellar) is irate and yells at him.  Not apologetic, Steve goes back to his unit with Caroline chasing him and yelling the entire way.  His unit? There is Romeo (Zac Heileson), a real hunk.  There is Jillian (Kelly Rice) a babe blonde with a great tan and who perspires nicely.  She and Romeo swap a lot of spit and make many goo-goo eyes at one another.

Okay, the monster lizards attack.  Caroline tries to put her photo shoot back on again, Being escorted by one of Steve's men, the other supermodels are shredded and pulled apart by the monsters.  Now Caroline sort of likes Steve.  Finally...contact.  Steve's unit has finally confirmed the aliens, and the aliens seem to be aggressive.  They murder, make the bugs on the island bigger, and even co-opt one of Steve's men...which will be horrific for Jillian.  Caroline and one of Steve's men known as Mental (Wayne Pygram) make bullets and explosives as Steve's unit dissipates at the hands of the monsters.  Poor Jillian, you won't like what happens to her, but Caroline is the main babe in this film and sometimes there is not enough room for two babes, dammit!

Will the monster lizards allow a romance between Caroline and Steve?  What is the connection between Steve's nightmares and the monster invasion?  Will the monster lizards do the unthinkable to the pretty, blonde, and tanned Jillian?  This is a good one with a nice cheese factor.  For some nice and cheesy scifi/horror with great creatures, see "Heatstroke."  

The Perfect Cheerleader, Cheerleaders in Trouble

Cheerleaders! Their big...smiles!  Their bare midriffs!  High leg kicks (and what legs)! They're perky and always in great moods.  The team may stink...but the cheerleaders are always happy and seemingly so willing to throw their allure and sex appeal at any situation.  But wait!  In this overly sexualized world, they are also in peril. In peril from woke feminists or from men who assume they can have their way with them, any time. The nubile babes with the smiles and tight costumes may be in for humiliation or worse.  Hence our feature today, 2019's "The Perfect Cheerleader" (aka "The Cheerleader Escort"), directed by Alexandrie Carriare.

Cassie (Alexandra Beaton) is a sultry freshman coed at Tate Riley University. Right away, an upper-class coed, Gabby (Joelle Farrow) convinces her to try out for the cheer/dance team. Hesitantly, Cassie agrees and makes the squad. She fits right in.  Cheerleader coach, Stephanie (Carolyne Maraghi) is happy to have her and so are the other girls. Uh oh...poor Cassie...she will realize reality way too late. The cheer squad is an escort service, shall we say.  More accurately, the squad is an expensive hooker ring. Wealthy alumni pay top dollar to have sex with the girls.  Stupid Cassie, she believes 45 year-old Terry ( Damon Runyon) is actually interested in her for her mind and personality. Yep, Cassie will be seduced by the almost middle-aged creep.

Gabby is thrilled...another hooker in the brothel, or escort in Stephanie's high-priced agency. Gabby lured her in but now she herself is in great danger.  Cassie believes Gabby is her friend but when horror and viciousness fell the nubile Gabby, Cassie begins asking questions.  The types of questions that can get a girl maimed and ripped apart.  The clients are all powerful men who do not take no for an answer...and Stephanie makes sure if a girl pulls back, that girl will be "taken care of."  Now Cassie is finding out too much.  Even worse...the nubile Cassie has a plan...a bad plan...the type of plan that can get a girl killed.

Will Cassie's plan actually work, and what is that plan?  Should Cassie shut up and earn her own tuition money rather than burdening the American tax payers to pay for the full tuition of another veterinarian? Are there cheerleader catfights brewing?  This is a light and playful drama that turns dark and horrific for our nubile babes (there's that word again) quickly.  See "The Perfect Cheerleader" and enjoy the drama, gratuitous cheerleader routines, and babes in dark danger...and one of the best cheese factors in motion picture history! 

Shark Girl, When Women Turn into Maneaters

Okay...I get it. A metaphor.  I can hear you men, especially you recently divorced or dumped men, now. They always look good.  They always purr.  They always know just how to touch you.  Then!  Yep, then! After you commit to them...wham!  They change.  The lovely fish becomes a maneater.  Intent on ruining your manhood, a woman always changes. Well, simmer down.  You chose her. Our feature today is a metaphor for the sultry dame who in reality, is something else.  Let us look at 2024's "Shark Girl," directed by Justin Shilton and Rob Zazzali.

A mediocre, but very hot, influencer, Heidi (Alexandra Corin Johnston) prances around Venice Beach in alluring swimwear or exercise gear.  She's hot.  Her boy toy Ron (Ryan Bertroche) is her hunk camera guy. He's mean and not very sensitive. As a nuclear plant melts down a few feet from Venice Beach, and radioactive waste pours into the surf, Ron orders Heidi into the surf for that wet and wild look her followers long to see.  In the surf, a radioactive shark bites her...now Heidi turns into a sort of wereshark. Really.  Poor Ron. His disrespect for this influencer, who has only 60,000 followers, will no longer be tolerated,  She'll eat Ron after eating the hunk Kevin (Patrick Luwis) and the babe Ashley (Elle Chapman). In fact, this film will have a huge death count.

Bad timing, Christopher (Nick Tag), a hunk blogger arrives and kind of likes Heidi.  Christopher's blog is reporting on the shark attacks, though its not a shark, around Venice Beach.  He tries to get to know Heidi. Also arriving is Heidi's bestie, Sienna (Sumayyah Ameerah)...a marine biology student. Heidi will continue changing by growing rows of razor sharp teeth and eating peeps. She'll eat a fellow model, Gina (Delaney Hogan) as she gives us some gratuitous swimwear poses. Now Sienna and Christopher figure out Heidi is responsible for the shark attacks at Venice Beach and find a way to cure her.  Uh oh, because Heidi ate Sienna's brother, Sienna is more interested in revenge than helping Heidi. Uh oh again, Heidi is becoming deadlier and she needs a mate...hence Christopher better be careful. 

Will Heidi eat Christopher either metaphorically or literally? Is a hot blonde influencer in skimpy bikinis or tight workout gear worth the mood swings and an occasional nip?  Will Sienna find a harpoon and engage in a catfight to the death with the shark girl?  This is, what Variety has reported, the film Steven Spielberg wanted to make but Universal would not give him the budget, hence we got Jaws. For a nice shark film that captures the ethos of a woman, see "Shark Girl."