Red Sonja (2025), Sweaty Babes with Swords

Today we have a much maligned 2025 film that is a remake of a 1985 much maligned film. Truth be known, both are pretty good films. In the one 40 years ago, the film makers were so aghast at the performance of Brigitte Nielsen, they promoted this one as an Arnold Schwarzenegger film.  Today Matilda Lutz takes the title role and she is overshadowed by no one...except maybe Wallis Day. We have Ms. Lutz in a metal bikini wielding a sword and in several catfights with Miss Day, clad in white leather. Yep, this new one may be the best film of 2025.  The cheese factor is tremendous, there are beheadings, monsters, and even a mad scientist.  Let us look at the very ambitious "Red Sonja," directed by MJ Bassett.

In the days of swords and sorcerers, the sultry Sonja (Lutz) roams the forests communing with nature and animals. She has to as her village was destroyed by barbarians many years ago. Uh oh, the evil Emperor Draygan (Robert Sheehan) wants the forest. His desire is to cut down all the trees and kill all the animals. Red Sonja tries to stop him, but Draygan's bride-to-be, the insane blonde beauty Annisia kicks the snot out of Sonja and now Sonja is caged. Noticing Sonja's fighting ability, Draygan sends her to live in a cell with other frisky prisoners, for which Petra (Rhona Mitra) is one. They are used as fodder for arena fights with monsters and other brute barbarians. Sadly, Rhona Mitra will meet a bloody death here. Sonja and her mates will be put against a 30-foot cyclops. Uh oh, a mad scientist has invented a device that if put on the back of the monsters, their actions can be controlled by Draygan.

The prisoners escape and Draygan and his forces pursue them. In the woods, Sonja organizes her mates into an army. Draygan, knowing Annisia can kick the snot out of Sonja, tasks her with murdering the redhead. Another catfight looms and Annisia will again decimate our babe heroine. Now Draygan plots the extermination of all Sonja, her friends, all the animals, and the trees.  Sonja gets sweet on handsome Osin (Luca Pasqualino), but like all men, he is useless. Still, he's a hunk. Annisia continues humiliating Sonja, Sonja kills all others who she fights with, and the balance of good and evil is at stake in pristine forests.

The sword catfighting between the sultry blonde Annisia in white leather and Sonja in a metal bikini is alone worth the price of admission.  Babes and hunks will sweat and grunt as they wield weapons. Monsters will roar.  Swords will impale. Heads will be chopped off.  Oh, and yes, Rhona Mitra is in this. There is no reason not to see 2025's "Red Sonja," especially if you like sultry dames catfighting.   

The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre, An Awkward Horror Story

How many of you had awkward Thanksgiving gatherings?  That weird relative, who you swear is a pedophile was seated next to you at the dinner table. Or that drooling nerd who has never kissed a girl in his 22 years on the planet is asking you all about your revealing cheerleading costume.  Or perhaps your mom and dad asks everyone if they want to see your Christening photographs.  We've all had awkward moments during Thanksgiving dinners in our past, but in today's feature, an awkward Thanksgiving turns into cannibalistic horror...perhaps a metaphor for so much.  Let us take a look at 2025's "The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre," directed by Steve Lawson. 

400 years ago the Reverend (not priest) Fuller (Mark Topping) is banished from the settlement of the Pilgrims and forced to build his cabin in the wilderness. Winter comes and he and his big breasted wife are dying of cold and starvation.  Driven mad, Fuller grabs a sickle and axe and cuts his wife to pieces and eats her.  Then he takes his pistol and blows his brains out. 400 years later the weird Tom (Jo Krayer) comes to the cabin to spend Thanksgiving with his new slut-girlfriend, English-babe Sara (Dani Thompson).  Sara has big...er, a big smile and she and Tom have sex a lot.  Sara only has packed lingerie and negligees.  Also arriving at the cabin is Tom's teen-aged nerd son Noah (Brooklyn Ross), and teenage daughter Andi (Holly Higbee). Uh oh, Cyndy (Liz Soutar) is Tom's ex-wife and she is forced to stay for Thanksgiving after dropping the kids off because her car is dead. Cyndy and Sara sneer a lot at one another.

Awkward? Yes! Sara only wants sex with Tom and has no love for his kids or the ex.  The ex reminds Sara that Tom has no money. Then we find out this modern cabin was built on the site of Reverend Fuller's cabin. Yep, as Sara is seducing Noah in the sauna, Fuller is mysteriously resurrected.  The fiend immediately finds his old sickle and axe and is hungry again.  The horrific reverend intends to chop everyone up into little pieces and eat them.  Guess who he chops up first!  The answer might surprise you.  What follows is a heartbreaking horror story in which the victims are not necessarily the ones you figured would be victims. Even though Fuller is back and is hungry, both Sara and Cyndy probably have more to fear from each other than the ghoul who now hunts them.

Is there a catfight brewing between Sara and Cyndy...or even Sara and Andi?  Will Sara de-virginize Noah in the sauna?  Is there any happy ending for Tom now that his new lover and ex-wife are in close quarters with him?  This is a gory one and as far as slasher films go, there is some nice axe and sickle gore to accompany the cannibalism.  For a nice holiday horror film watch, see "The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre."

Hangover Square, Wake Up a Murderer

There you are.  You wake up, or snap out of it!  No memory of the last hour, or 24. The newspaper is filled with stories of young women strangled in your neighborhood and the cops have no clues. Anything to worry about?  For our protagonist, or is he an antagonist, in our film, there might be.  Even worse, there are two babes in his life...both have necks that scream, "Strangle me!" Laird Cregar usually plays the heavy, but in today's film, he plays a sympathetic sort who might be the victim of a weird amnesia. Our feature is 1945's "Hangover Square," directed by John Brahm.

George Harvey Bone (Cregar) is a wonderful pianist and composer. He's working on a beautiful concerto that will be performed and conducted in a big concert hall and directed by the great composer Sir Henry Chapman (Alan Napier). Uh oh, as the film begins George is murdering an antique dealer. Hey, we all have bad days. He'll wake with no memory of the past 24 hours and is worried he murdered someone. The cops investigate and George's buddy, Dr. Allan Middleton (George Sanders) assures George the knife in George's possession has no blood or fiber on it. Oh, George is sweet on Sir Henry's daughter, Barbara (Faye Marlowe). She's so pure and nubile. Uh oh, Allan is also sweet on her. Allan prescribes a treatment for George to rid himself of these spells...stop composing music. George has a concerto to finish for Sir Henry so he disregards this advice.  

George wanders into a dancehall and sees Netta (Linda Darnell) sing to a bunch of drunks. Her dancehall flair is not becoming of polite society but George is captivated by her. He writes a song for her to sing and she loves it. Now Netta uses and seduces George to keep writing her songs. George is entranced by this siren and is at her command. George thinks they are in love, though Netta is actually desiring to marry promoter Eddie (Glenn Langan). Uh oh, George has more spells and he also has a strong cord, perfect for strangling.  The bodies pile up and George keeps getting pulled deeper into Netta's world of seduction, exploitation, and ruin. Netta keeps seducing and she looks really great doing it.  George seems to be more focused on her neck, now.  As George is conflicted between writing a concerto for Sir Henry, and writing bar songs for Netta, his mind seems more apt to fall into one of his spells.

Will George murder one of the two babes in his life?  Will Allan wrest Barbara from George? Is George a good bloke or a prurient murderer that rivals Jack the Ripper? The ending of this film is one of the best endings ever put on the silver screen.  Ms. Darnell and Ms. Marlowe turn in incredibly seductive performances.  Laird Cregar, if you are unfamiliar with his work, is an actor you need to see more of. For suspense, and horror, and a great ending, see "Hangover Square."

Alpha Code, Denise Richards is in it!

Why, oh why, did I watch this movie!?  Easy.  Denise Richards is in it. Oh, that fighter guy, Randy Couture is in it too! Oh, so is Ben Foster!  Wait!  Did I say Ben Foster? Excuse me...Bren Foster.  What's the difference? The difference is Ben Foster is not in this one...even though we thought he was until midway through the movie. But, Denise Richards is in it and she looks...pretty good, though she could have smiled some more and showed more skin...just saying. Our feature today is 2020's "Alpha Code," directed by Keoni Waxman and made in the Czech Republic, or is that Czechia now?

Plot? Fine, but remember, you asked!  A woman and a baby are sucked up into a UFO in Prague. Relevance to the film?  Maybe some...who knows?  Okay, Martin (Ben, I mean Bren Foster) drives his sultry daughter home to a country cottage. Teri (Sabina Rojkova) might be the Czech version of Denise Richards...hopefully she will not date Charlie Sheen or catfight with Heather Locklear...though if those things were in this movie, they might have gotten Ben Foster to be in it. Yep, UFOs and aliens pay the cottage a visit and take Teri and leave Martin unconscious. Martin awakes in a hospital and the ruthless U.N. agent Ray Bowie (Randy Couture) yells at him.  Why? Because he's not Ben Foster, maybe.

Martin escapes to try to find his daughter and meets Johana (Richards) on line.  Upset Martin is not Ben Foster, Johana is vague with him.  Apparently Johana and Martin both had loved ones taken by the UFOs and Agent Bowie wants to kill them because of that...you know the U.N.  Johana introduces Martin to the "Unchosen." No, not the TV show. The "Unchosen" were not...chosen...by the aliens in UFOs, I guess.  But, their loved ones were.  Why?  Maybe the aliens wanted to get Ben Foster and this guy Bren shows up so they sic Randy Couture on them.  Maybe. Martin and Johana will kiss, but that's it, and Johana introduces him to Lance (Marek Vasut).  Lance tells Martin that he can communicate to the aliens.  Johana continues to look sad and serious and will set off with Martin to find...something by Geocaching. Nerds!

Will Denise Richards smile and have pre-marital sex with the guy who is not Ben Foster?  Couldn't the makers of this film spent a little more money and gotten Heather Locklear and put in a catfighting scene with her and Denise Richards?  Is this film required for Charlie Sheen in whatever therapy program he is in?  Oh, what Joel and the 'bots could have done with this one!  Well, watch the film if you must.  At very least...Denise Richards is in it...which is always better than Meryl Streep.  See "Alpha Code," and don't say I didn't warn you.   

Creature with the Atom Brain, Atomic Zombies used for Revenge

Angela Stevens is a fine looking dame and is second-billed in our feature today.  The sultry blonde plays Joyce who looks great in a shiny white robe and loves to be swatted on the buttocks. Now that's a dame we can all get behind. Alas, she has little bearing on the plot, but when she's on screen, getting spanked or pulled into bed, it is so nice. Okay, the plot in this film is driven by men, as are wars, death, dismemberment, and destruction.  Let us look at 1955's "Creature with the Atom Brain," directed by Edward L. Cahn.

Buchanan (Michael Granger) is back. He was sentenced to five years and swore revenge on all those who put him away. He has returned with a Nazi mad scientist, Dr. Steigg (Gregory Gaye) who has perfected resurrecting corpses into controllable zombies. Buchanan has Steigg make him a bunch of these zombies and sends them after the people who helped convict him. The fiends are superhuman, immune to bullets, and leave a trail of radiation. Police scientist Dr. Chet Walker (Richard Denning) is on the case. He has a lovely wife and tries to pull her into bed and swats her little behind. Back to the important parts of the plot. Chet figures out the killers all are radioactive and their blood is some crystallized radioactive solution. They also have electrodes in their brains that are powered by an atomic machine in Buchanan's basement laboratory.

At will, Buchanan sends the fiends out to commit murder.  When Buchanan realizes Chet and the cops are getting close to finding his secret laboratory, he warns them to stop looking. The cops keep looking and the fiends sabotage airplanes, trains, and utility plants.  Now with the city powerless to stop Buchanan and his minions, and with Joyce being spanked, Chet and the cops have to get smart and quickly track the monsters to Buchanan's lab.  Uh oh...Chet's buddy, police captain Dave (S. John Laurens) is captured and turned into an atomic zombie and sent to pay Joyce a visit.

Will Joyce be spanked by an atomic zombie?  Will Chet locate Buchanan before his wife gets spanked by an atomic zombie?  Will Joyce end up having the world's first atomic offspring?  Okay, that last question was inappropriate.  Anyway, for a fantastic 1950s scifi/horror B movie, see "Creature with the Atom Brain" and learn where that Japanese fetish of radioactive spanking comes from.   

Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, Three Full Moon Features Converge

You have to love Full Moon Features and Charles Band.  Today we look at one that takes three of their films, "Dollman," "Demonic Toys," and "Bad Channels" and meshes them. Today's feature will give us a sultry cop and a sultry nurse, a rarity in today's films.  Throw in neat monsters, an evil baby, a big spider, laser fights, and gunfights.  Our film today is Charles Band's 1993 "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys." 

The sultry policewoman, in tight jeans and halter top, Judith (Tracy Scoggins) is back at the warehouse that houses demonic toys. They mock her and escape from her through the AC ventilation shafts. Now she seeks help and hunts out dollman, the foot tall cop from another world, Brick (Tim Thomerson). Brick? He's in search of the sultry Nurse Ginger (Melissa Behr), who was shrunk by aliens in "Bad Channels." She's a babe and Brick needs a dame. Judith finds both of them and convinces them to help her hunt the four remaining demonic toys (baby doll, GI Joe, a Jack-in-the-box head, and robot). Now the trio return to the warehouse and the evil toys are waiting.  War breaks out and the casualties will be heartbreaking.

The evil toys like to capture beautiful women, put them into a pentagram, and feast on their blood.  Thus, Ginger and Judith are prime targets.  Oh, yeah...the baby doll wants to mate with Ginger and have her birth the devil reincarnate...happens. Brick chases the evil things, engages in gunfights, and now must save Ginger from a fate worse than death.  Brick is right out of a Sam Spade Film Noir film. Ginger is right out of a nurse-ploitation film. Judith is the hottest detective you will ever see ("Cagney and Lacey" fans should just go watch a Meryl Streep film, instead). We need to see more Tracy Scoggins films!

Will the evil baby doll impregnate Judith with the devil's seed?  Will Judith survive the wrath of the evil toys a second time?  Will Brick save the dames and begin a beautiful relationship with the shrunken nurse?  This is a good one with great monsters, sultry babes, and a hard boiled alien cop.  See "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys" and enjoy some great cheese and beef with icky monsters.

Beast of War, World War 2 Great White Shark

From Australia, a Great White shark film. There's a country with some standing when it comes to this toothy menace. Combine it with being a World War 2 film and this is an extra bonus. We even get a real monster of a shark, a 20 footer!  Soldiers will be feasted on, limbs will be bitten off torsos, and Aussie army men will fight Japs, sharks, and their own personal demons.  Our feature today is 2025's "Beast of War," directed by Kiah Roache-Turner.

1942, in the rainy, muddy, jungle of northern Australia, recruits are going through boot camp. The youngsters are learning to be soldiers. There we meet Will (Joel Nankervis) and Leo (Mark Coles Smith). Will is a brain and does not seem to be cut out to be a soldier.  Leo is a hunk and seems very cut out to be a soldier. They'll bond and when boot camp is over, are sent on the same ship to fight the Japanese. Boom!  Japanese fighters sink the ship and most on the troops on the transport ship die and are eaten by sharks.  About seven or eight survive on a makeshift raft.  Some are wounded and their blood leaks into the sea. Now a 20-footer arrives. The Great White shark has a broken siren imbedded in its fin and when it approaches, a haunting sound is heard.

Rations are low and the men watch as Bobby (Tristan McKinnon) is eaten first, followed by Stan (Maximillian Johnson).  Now the men realize they have to do something other than just sit on their raft, which is stuck in a fog bank.  The shark is aggressive and when it is ready for another meal, it just rams the rickety raft. Remember Will the brainiac?  He starts using his head and comes up with some nice ideas for survival. He even spots a motorboat, but as luck would have it, it is several yards away from their raft.  If things could not get any worse...the Japanese come back to finish the job.

Can Will figure out a way to get to the motorboat?  Will the warrior Leo prove might and brawn is more important than brains in this situation? Is the big bad Great White a mere metaphor for the monster that is war and its desire to eat us all up, even if we survive?  Ask the Russians and Ukrainians that one.  For a gory, poignant, and terrifying big shark, see "Beast of War."