They're Playing with Fire, A Sybil Danning Spectacular

Sybil Danning all oiled up in a skimpy bikini.  Sybil Danning is gratuitous shower scenes.  Sybil Danning in the throes of passion during extra-marital sex.  Sybil Danning in outfits that just seem to fall off her.  Sybil Danning in peril.  Today we may have Sybil Danning's Magnum Opus.  Yes...it is a horror film.  This may not seem like a horror film but that is because we won't mention the psycho Santa Claus or the masked man with the machete...or the mental asylum in Switzerland...we have too much other stuff to talk about when Sybil Danning graces the silver screen.  Today we look at 1984's "They're Playing with Fire," directed by Howard Avedis.

Diane (Danning) is an English Literature professor  at a southern California university. She teaches her students, sunbathes in skimpy bikinis, and has a lot of passionate sex.  She seduces a clean cut student, Jay (Eric Brown) to do her a favor.  See, Diane is married to an evil professor, the hunk Michael (Andrew Prine).  Diane and Michael want to off Michael's grandmother and sister so they can inherit the family wealth.  They tell Jay that they just need him to break in the mansion and scare them.  Why would Jay do this?  Please!  Diane uses deviant sex to persuade him.  Diane also hires Jay to do odd jobs on their yacht.  The odd jobs allow him to peek at Diane sunbathing, showering, and to have steamy sex with his professor.

Right!  Jay breaks into the mansion and nothing goes as it is supposed to.  Someone else in in the mansion and murders the grandmother and sister and tries to murder Jay.  Now if the cops are called, Jay will be the prime suspect.  Jay figures out Diane and Michael set him up.  Worse yet, a nubile babe in class, Cynthia (Beth Scheffell) blackmails Jay. She has taken pics of him screwing Diane and won't hesitate to show Diane's husband.  Unfortunately for Cynthia, she will meet the psycho Santa Claus. So sad.  Now to keep Jay interested and loyal to her cause, Diane has a ton more deviant sex with Jay and claims she is going to leave Michael.  Wait!  Is this really what is going on?  Twists and turns.  More steamy sex...more gratuitous showers...more murders...and in every part of it Sybil Danning is doing what Sybil Danning does best.

Did Michael and Diane really murder the grandmother and sister?  Is a life sentence in prison worth a lot of steamy sex with Sybil Danning?  Was Cynthia's brutal fate merely because she was on Santa's "naughty" list"?  This is an uber-erotic mystery thriller that becomes a slasher/horror film.  For gratuitous Sybil Danning, treat yourself and watch "They're Playing with Fire."

A Blood Story, Bikini Model and Eternal Youth

Yes!  Mindy Robinson plays a bikini model taking on Elizabeth Bathory's family.  Is there a more perfect plot in the history of film?  Forget the tired plots about racism (Yawn), social justice, superheroes, or strong-willed women succeeding in a man's world.  All garbage!  Gimme a bikini model bathing in the blood of virgins and deviant sex.  Wokeness be damned...nubile bikini models rule!  That's my motto.  Today we look at 2015's "A Blood Story," directed by Joe Hollow.

Madison (Robinson) is a bikini model turned writer.  She comes home one day and finds her husband cutting up a young babe in their marital babe.  Madison shoots him dead.  Happens. Now Madison is a writer searching for the fountain of youth.  She ends up at a castle run by the ancestors of Elizabeth Bathory.  Francis (Camden Toy) and his daughter Anna (Melanie Robel), who are just a little too intimate for dad and daughter, are the hosts.  At this castle, young nubile babes are whipped to death and their blood is used for bathing.  Madison takes advantages, bathes in the blood, and all her scars, inflicted on her by her crazy husband, disappear.  Also there is ex-assassin Carter (Mark Hanson)...he and Madison will bond.  Many months later, Madison and Carter decide to rob the castle of its treasure.

Now Madison and Carter return for another weekend of bathing in virgin blood.  Uh oh, Elizabeth Bathory's (Debra Lamb) spirit wants Madison.  Uh oh again, Anna and Francis are smart...they know Madison and Carter are there to rob them.  Triple uh oh...Francis and Anna want to do a blood ritual and bring Elizabeth back to life.  Who's blood will they need for this ritual?  You can probably guess.  Or can you?  Incest...orgies...aphrodisiacs...spankings...BDSM...more incest...and blood baths will fill much of this film.  Oh yes...Linnea Quigley is in this, too.

Will Madison and Carter be successful in stealing the Bathory gold?  Will Elizabeth take Madison's soul...and/or body?  If Hollywood script writers made more films about bikini models bathing and frolicking, would  they have to fear about being replaced by AI?  This is a gratuitous and satisfying film on so many levels.  One may even hazard to aver that this film is Mindy Robinson's magnum opus.  See "A Blood Story," and develop a new appreciation for bikini models.    

Meander, Claustrophobic Scifi

Okay, I admit it.  This film will not get a lot of love.  Too bad as there is so much to love about this one from France.  For one...if you say to someone you watched a French movie, they will automatically think you intelligent.  Second, the babe in it will be clad in a tight, form fitting space-babe suit through most of the film.  Lastly, no matter how the first half of this film goes, there will be gore and a monster...or two. Today we look at 2020's "Meander," directed by Mathieu Turi.

The lovely Lisa (Gaia Weiss) wants to end it all.  Not able to cope with the death of her little girl, she tries to throw herself in front of oncoming traffic.  If things couldn't get worse, she is picked up by a homicidal maniac, Adam (Peter Franzen).  He tries to murder her, then...  Well, then what?  Great question.  She just wakes up in a claustrophobic chamber in the aforementioned jumpsuit. Even more confusing is there is a bulky bracelet on her that lights up and counts down from 11 minutes.  She cannot get it off.  The thing she is in seems to be controlled by an intelligent, though malignant force as it pushes her out of the chamber into a tunnel maze.  Now she is forced to go forward and explore the tunnels.  If she stops, the walls close in on her until she reached the next tunnel.  Even worse, periodically, the tunnels fill with flammable gas and fill with fire.

Slowly, Lisa adapts to the dangers of this maze.  Acid baths, toothy barbed wire, crushing walls, fire, and even water are her perils as she goes forth...but forth to what?  Uh oh...remember the psycho Adam?  He's in the tunnels too.  Already burned over all his body, he is not human anymore, but a monster.  He still wants to murder Lisa and he pursues her.  Now, Lisa must not only figure out what is wanted of her, the mystery of the tunnels, but also outsmart Adam.  If you saw "Cube" or "Crawl or Die," you will realize the inspiration for this film.  Claustrophobic and squirm-inducing, the film will then branch out into a science fiction plot with some weird plot developments.

What are the backstories of Adam and Lisa?  Just who or what abducted these two and are they now pawns in a twisted game?  Is there escape for the Euro-babe in the tight jumpsuit?  Many of you will not like where this movie eventually goes, but I say...Great, go for it!  Bored with the DC or Marvel idiocy some call a universes, see a real movie that makes you think...and wince.  Watch "Meander" today for a terrific horror/science fiction story.   

The Sniper, Man on Roof Hates Brunettes

Misogyny did not begin with Bill Clinton. As the governor of Arkansas and then as president, this fiend victimized young woman and ruined them.  Misogyny existed long before this creep...in fact, our film today is over 70 years old.  Brunettes beware!  These dames will not fare well.  Today we look at 1952's "The Sniper," directed by Edward Dmytryk.  This one is a dark Film Noir type thriller and not the feel good film of the 50s.

Edward has a problem.  He hates women.  He is just out of prison against the recommendation of the prison shrink.  Both Edward and the shrink know that the he is unstable and liable to hurt pretty women. Now Edward is back in society and pushed to insanity by the sight of lovely brunettes.  The urge to murder them is so intense, he intentionally burns his hand to stop them.  This doesn't work.  Now he comes into contact with Jean (Mary Windsor) a sultry brunette who wears slinky gowns, flirts, and sings at a bar.  She's gorgeous and every man lusts after her.  Edward takes his rifle, finds a rooftop, and blows Jean's head off.  Very sad. Jean won't be the last.  The cops get involved.  Detective Kafka (Adolphe Menjou) and police shrink Dr. Kent (Richard Kiley) are on the case.  They meet hundreds of sex maniacs in the city looking for the killer's identity.

Edward will kill Mary (Marlo Dwyer), a prostitute that mocks him.  Then the socialite Mrs. Fitzpatrick (Lillian Bond).  Now city hall is pressuring Kafka to find the killer.  Eddie unravels even more and his misogynistic tendencies take further hold on him.  More babes are endangered and murdered...not all brunettes now.  Kent and Kafka find clues.  The city panics.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, Edward is a great shot...and never misses.

Will the cops find Edward before he murders every babe in the city?  What made Edward into what he is today?  Are the themes and plot devices in this 1952 movie more relevant today than they were over seven decades ago?  See this horrific case study of a misogynistic psycho and realize that we have infinitely more of them prowling America today.  See "The Sniper" for a vicious tale of murder and failed mental health policies.

6 Wheels from Hell, Torture on the Road

We just don't have enough films about torture chambers. Pity, these things do make such wonderful metaphors especially in Biden's America.  Throw in college hunks and babes and a psycho trucker, well, we have a film that counteracts the trash that the Academy Awards gave us recently.  Today we look at 2022's "6 Wheels from Hell," directed by Evan Allen...with some nice cheese and beef.

The torture and annihilation of the beautiful Taylor (Mindy Gilkerson) opens up our film.  Mother Trucker (Mark Anthony Baca), we'll call MT, has crafted a torture chamber made from an old creepy looking truck.  MT finds babes, and sometimes hunks, on the road, abducts them, imprisons them in the back of his truck, and torturers them before murdering them. Taylor is the present babe and undergoes unimaginable torture.  She is still alive, but quite mad. Along come two great looking couples  Ethan (Malachi Durant) and his babe GF Alexis (Evan Keys)...and also the nubile Angel (Brenna Marie Narayan) and her beau Mason (Kevin L. Sanders).  While stopped at a diner, this quartet gain the notice of our psycho as they mock him...mistake.  MT then knocks out the babe Alexis, throws her in the torture chamber next to Taylor, and drives off.

Now her three buddies are in pursuit.  We get a good look at the torture chamber with all its whips, chains, car batteries, body parts, severed limbs, etc.  Taylor is quite insane and pleads with Alexis just to give MT anything he wants.  The three buddies will catch up to the truck and find themselves captured, too.  Also in pursuit is Detective Cooper (Andriana Garbiso) and Detective Ford (Bradley Rumery).  They have no idea the depravity of MT...but will soon find out.  MT begins torturing by burning off tattoos, electrocuting, whacking with a baseball bat, and pulling teeth.  Not all will survive, but Alexis is determined to survive...as was Taylor before going insane.  Alexis will even try to seduce our fiend.  MT will test her loyalty...and you can probably guess how.  As babes and hunks are marred and killed, Alexis is determined to avoid being scarred or bloodied.

Will Alexis turn the tables on MT and be able to save her seemingly doomed buddies?  Is Taylor a metaphor for what has happened to the American people over the past few years in Biden's America? Will our two inept police detectives be able to help the nubile and the hunky, or find themselves hung on meat hooks in the back of MT's truck?  There is something so right about this film.  The cast is great looking and Mr. Baca plays the psycho so well.  For gory carnage, great beef and cheese, and good metaphor, see "6 Wheels from Hell."  

The Wind, Meg Foster's Opus Magnum

Meg Foster!  Before her role in 1988's "They Live," which defined a generation, she turned in her magnum opus. As a damsel in much distress, this great 1980s actress excelled as another 1980's legend, Wings Hauser, acts as the slasher. Nothing says 1980s better than Meg Foster, Wings Hauser...but we can also add in David McCallum and Steve Railsback.  Today we look at a 1986 film by Nico Mastorakis, "The Wind."

As our film begins, Sian (Foster) is snuggling with her lover, John (McCallum).  She is a best-selling murder mystery writer and John is...well...useless (just like most men).  We will not speak of John again. To inspire her next novel, and perhaps get away from the milquetoast lover, Sian goes to Greece and rents a 1700 year old house on a cliff from Elias (Robert Morley).  She desires solitude and atmosphere.  Sian begins writing and is soon visited by Phil (Hauser), a slasher/psycho.  It is apparent from the outset that Phil is a psycho...as most men are.  This is confirmed early on as Phil begins murdering anyone he can find.  Now he sets his sights on Sian.

Sian is smart.  Her mind is warped anyway from writing so many murder mysteries.  This will help her battle the sickle-wielding madman.  What is it with sickles and Euro-Trash films?  Anyway, the battle is on.  More murders will occur and Sian's ability to call for help is hampered by the strong wind outside bringing down the phone lines.  Sian puts up a good fight finding imaginative ways to create weapons and mount a defense.  Running away is not an option as the wind is so strong she is liable to be blown off the cliff if she tries.  But there's hope...Steve Railsback is on his way. Who is Steve Railsback in this film?  A man...so probably useless in this mid 1980s feminist anthem. 

Will Sian, given that men in Greece are so useless, have to find a way to murder the murderer?  Does Phil the psycho have a good point in his fear and hate of a strong-willed and empowered American woman?  Is Phil's use of a sickle hidden symbolism of the bloody wrath Communism has put upon weak European countries?  See "The Wind" ands enjoy a tour-de-force performance of Meg Foster.

Evil Laugh, 1980s Slasher Fare

How did I miss this one?  A 1980s slasher film with nubile babes and hunks. A lot of big knife murders interrupting pre-marital sex.  Perky blondes and beefy guys desiring only deviant sex.  Whipped cream, bondage, and leather sex toys included...this is a classic...or should be. Nudity, gore, and pre-marital sex will dot the landscape of this 1986 slasher film, "Evil Laugh," directed by Dominick Brascia.

Jerry (Gary Hays) gets to the house early. The house?  Jerry and his babe GF Connie (Ashlyn Gere) will live there with other medical students while turning it into a foster home.  There's more...it was a foster home until 10 years ago when Martin, a caretaker, murdered all the children in the house including six babies.  Martin's body was never found.  Also arriving is nursing student and perky blonde Tina (Jody Gibson) and hunk Mark (Myles O'Brien). The two will hook up. Oh yes, horror movie fan Barney (Jerold Pearson) who gets really scared when he hears the house's history.  Oh yes, the rich snobs Betty (Karen O'Bryan) and Sammy (Tony Griffin) who are nymphomaniacs.  Oh, I should say Connie will never join Jerry as he is cut up and has his vital organs pulled out by a knife wielding killer before Connie or the other students arrive,

Now all the students have arrived and wonder where Jerry is.  The killer has a big knife and will go to work immediately.  Ancillary characters are offed.  Pre-marital sex will begin.  Whipped cream and bondager will enter the plot. In a weird twist, Jerry's internal organs will be fed to the group. The blondes, Betty and Tina, ripe for violation and deviance, will do what perky and ditzy blondes do best in these 1980s slasher films.  Connie seems to have what it takes to be a final girl...worry not, she'll have a gratuitous shower scene.  The killer, who has a weird and obnoxious laugh, will slice and dice.  Axes and microwaves will also be used as murder weapons.

Will Connie indeed be a final girl?  Is the old caretaker really the murderer or is this too easy?  Is 2024 America too woke to think of whipped cream and bondage as plot devices in modern film?  Enjoy the beef and cheese as nubile babes and the men who love them get diced up.  For a real 1980s slasher film, see "Evil Laugh" and admire how films used to be.