The Last Breath, A Nordic Shark Film

We don't look to Belgium nor Sweden for our shark films. Nevertheless, we have one.  A good one.  A very good one. Gory and claustrophobic, this low-budget film does not look low-budget. Set in the British Virgin Islands, our sharks are vicious, big, and they will feast well.  Do not fact check this film as the ship in question may never have been anywhere near the Caribbean, but who cares...the US schools don't even teach history anymore (at least, true history). Our feature today is 2024's "The Last Breath," directed by Joachim Heden.  Of note, this was the last film made by Julian Sands.

Back in WW2, a U-Boat sinks the USS Charlotte in the Caribbean.  There are survivors but sharks eat them.  80 years later, two shipwreck hunters find the elusive ship.  Hunk Noah (Jack Parr) and his mentor Levi (Sands) have been looking for the wreck forever.  Now, after a hurricane shifts the sands, the boat is spotted 90% under those sands. Noah, back on the island meets up with old friends.  There is Wall Street rich guy Brett (Alexander Arnold), blonde babe Riley (Erin Mullen), dweeb Logan (Arlo Carter), and of more note, the babe Sam (Kim Spearman). Sam and Noah used to be lovers but Sam decided to go to New York and be a doctor as Noah decided to stay on the sea and hunt wrecks. Now the two look to rekindle. Uh oh, Levi is going to lose his boat as he owes creditors $36,000, but Brett offers to bail them out if they will take him and the gang on a dive of the Charlotte.  Hesitantly, Noah and Levi agree.

The five divers go down to the ocean floor and into the wreck. Noah is cautious but when the sharks come, it won't matter. Logan gets a chunk bitten out of his thigh and his GF Riley panics using up all her air.  Air pockets in the wreck are found but the crew is now lost inside the cavernous ship.  They do all they can to save Logan and Sam the doctor even finds a 1944 operating room with 80 year old anesthetics. You can imagine this won't go well as Logan's femoral artery is bitten through. Riley panics some more, and Brett is quick to blame Noah.  Sam falls more in love with Noah, though Brett is kind of right to blame him.  Oh, the shark?  More sharks arrive as the smell of blood is now intense.  Levi?  He can't dive anymore because of past injuries.  Air?  Running out too fast.

Will any in this cast survive?  Is there anything Levi can do for them from topside?  Will Noah fall as in love with Sam as Sam is with him?  Noah needs to stay brave and rational as all around him are either dying or panicking.  Self-sacrifice will rule the day and the sea creatures will eat well.  For a fantastic shark film from an unusual source, see "The Last Breath." 

 

Seclusion, Babe Shrink in Peril

I need to say this straight off...you may not like this one. Think of this film as Hallmark tries to make a thriller. Still, this one has some nice appeal. Dominique Swain is in it! Any movie she's in, I enjoy. Also, the psychiatrist in this film is quite a dish, and played by Nicky Whelan. With shrinks looking like her, I say 'bring on the mental illness!' Also, for a film called "Seclusion," Ms. Whelan is never alone in her perils. Let us look at 2025's "Seclusion," directed by Tom DeNucci. I should also point out, this director has made a lot of good movies.

Poor Madeline (Whelan). The sultry but capable shrink has almost cured psycho-David (Michael S. Messier, Jr.) when he leaps off the couch and strangles the babe. He's upset she does not love him...who wouldn't be? Now she needs seclusion to write her next bestseller.  Arriving in Rhode Island to her dad's (Fred Sullivan) beach house, she begins writing. Her loving sister Kelly (Swain) is happy to see her and she works for her dad fixing up the properties he owns. Madeline is now the sultriest dame in Rhode Island. Okay, that's not saying much, but trust me, she's a major league babe. The new book? Yep, she wants to show the world the perils of bi-polar disorder and with permission from her patient Heather (Amy Wade), she will put her therapy sessions with her in the book. Uh oh, Heather may be a real psycho...as Kelly points out.

While in Rhode Island, Madeline gets hot for a local guy, Tony (Michael Copon) who is all too eager to help her with stuff around the house. Then the weird stuff begins. An intruder at night puts Madeline on edge, to say the least. Also, Heather gets too curious about her during therapy sessions and shows up in town and at Kelly's birthday party. Madeline is mad and confronts the maybe-psycho Heather and this doesn't go well.  Heather is manipulative and seems adepts at controlling Madeline. Madeline, looking to attract the hunk Tony, dons a steamy red, slightly tight party gown, and emanates pheromones. Now we see a grand plot to ruin and probably murder Madeline is unfolding and she is powerless to detect it or stop it. 

The movie is flawed but on a damsel in peril level, this is a nice one. Ms. Whelan is uber-attractive and there are more than a few characters in this one who could be more psycho than Heather. Is it possible Heather, the psycho, is not the tormentor?  Is Madeline in danger from a psycho lesbian that wants her for her own?  This is my preference.  Or is Tony just too good and upset that she never paid any attention to him in high school?  For some great cheese and two great actresses looking so good, see "Seclusion."   

Snow White: A Deadly Summer, Maureen McCormick, Eric Roberts, and That Demon Gal

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Yep, Maureen McCormick is in this one.  So is Eric Roberts! Both have big roles, not just cameos. Also, remember the demon in "The Exorcist"? Pessuto or something like that? She's in it...Eileen Dietz!  Even better, Marcia Brady's character is named Eve! Yep, the lunatic has multiple personalities in this film. Of course, there are hunks and babes who play delinquent teens...most will be murdered by...well, you'll see. Our feature today is 2012's "Snow White: A Deadly Summer," directed by David DeCoteau. Please ignore IMDB's rating of this film (2.3/10).

Snow (Shanley Caswell) is Grant's (Roberts) daughter. She hates her new stepmother, Eve (McCormick). Early on we see Eve is suffering from multiple personality disorder. Eve wants Snow out of the way because she wants all of Grant's attention. Snow is caught in a stolen car and Eve arranges for her to be sent to a juvenile boot camp for rehabilitation. The camp is run by a former Navy SEAL, Hunter (Tim Abell). She gets there with seven others, all babes or hunks. Hunter is a hard-a** and punishes them through labor, jumping jacks, and sneers. Uh oh...legend has it, 25 years ago, a female camper was murdered at this camp by another camper. The murderer camper ran into the woods and has never been seen again.  

Snow has weird dreams/visions about past events of murders and future murders.  The ones she has about future murders manifest and slowly the group of eight diminishes. Snow starts liking a hunk camper named Cole (Chase Bennett), and her b****y female cohorts begin dying or just become missing. One of the campers is a pure-bred psychopath (Aaron Jaeger). What's more, Hunter seems to be hiding something and he makes sure dead bodies disappear without a trace.  Uh oh...a weird woman emerges from the woods (Dietz) with knowledge of what happened 25 years ago. Uh oh again, you will never guess who was a juvenile delinquent at the camp 25 years ago...or who else was. Now the killer has Snow in his or her sights...and has a big knife.

Just who is murdering the hunk and babe juvenile delinquents?  Is the fact that Marcia-Marcia-Marcia had Dual Identity Disorder make her a suspect?  Did Cole come on to Snow too quickly for him to be for real? This is a fun one with one of those endings that many will hate, but worry not, it is still a messed up ending. For some "Brady Bunch" meets "The Exorcist" fun, see "Snow White: A Deadly Summer."

The Cleansing Hour, An Exorcist Reality Show

A buddy of mine, who is in the industry, told me that there is nothing on reality shows that is...real! Everything is altered, scripted, or just made up out of the blue. Whether it is Mormon wives, or truckers driving on ice, or even gruff brutes on crab boats...don't believe it. So no surprise when a reality show featuring exorcisms every week is found to be a fraud...until its not.  Our feature today is 2019's "The Cleansing Hour," directed by Damien LeVeck.

Father Max  (Ryan Guzman) is a hunk priest...okay, he isn't really a priest but don't tell his subscribers. He is a self proclaimed exorcist who has an on-line show in which he exorcizes a different poor schmuck every week. The poor schmuck, of course, is an actor.  His buddy Drew (Kyle Gallner) is his director, and Drew's pretty GF Lane hangs around them. We see the exorcisms and they are well done.  Special f/x, weird lighting, and cheap carnival tricks makes them look real. The bad news, the show has plateaued as far as subscribers and views. Max, Drew, and the producer Tommy (Daniel Hoffmann) rack their brains on how to get to the next level. Riley (Emma Holzer) and the boom guy Chris (Chris Lew Kum Hoi) round out the cast. I know, we have all heard, you should not fool around with the subject of possession or exorcism...but Max and crew are making livings doing just that.

Uh oh...all goes to Hell (kind of literally). With the actor who was supposed to play the possessed murdered by demons, Lane is pressed into the role at the last minute. Lane is a fine actress but soon, she will not be acting.  A demon really possesses her and all Hell breaks out on set (literally). Her voice changes, objects go flying across the room, demons appear, and the 50,000 viewers will rise into the several millions of viewers level. Gore and body-horror ensue and poor Riley, she will be impaled in the back of the head with a prop on the set. Now Max is drawn into an exorcism with a real demon and he has no clue.  The demon has the upper hand and Max' only prayer is if can remember the stuff he faked over the previous episodes.

This ends up being an ambitious horror film that all of you who read Revelation at the same time as news headlines will love.  It'll get gory and weird.  Lane, the pretty girlfriend, will spend most of the film hideous and disgusting.  For some nice possession horror and some nice lampooning of reality shows, see "The Cleansing Hour."    

The Neanderthal Man, Pre-Historic Horrors for California Babes

Beverly Garland!  Her and Veronica Lake are my two favorite actresses from yesteryear. Today we look at a film that will be difficult to watch for all of us Beverly Garland fans. A horror film. Brutal. Misogynistic. Unmerciful. See, Ms. Garland plays Nola, a sultry but friendly waitress at a local diner in a small town in the High Sierras. She, to earn a few extra bucks, moonlights as a swimsuit model. While posing in a sultry swimsuit in the California mountains, she'll be chased down by a neanderthal man, dragged into a cave, and raped by that creature. Eek! Our feature today is 1953's "The Neanderthal Man," directed by E.A. DuPont.

Mad scientist, Prof. Groves (Robert Shayne) has created a serum that makes housecats into sabretooth tigers. The insaniac is upset that the scientific community laughs at him...and now he ploughs further into madness. After some local hunters are ripped to pieces by the pre-historic creature, a hunk scientist from the big city arrives to see what is going on. Dr. Ross Harkness sees the evidence and concludes the monster does exist. The townsfolk are upset as their cattle are being shredded. Poor waitress, Nola (Garland), her fate is described above and will cause us all to wince and shed a tear. Now, with the violation of a local bathing beauty, it is apparent that a monster lurks. Here comes the nubile Ruth (Doris Merrick)! She's a babe and engaged to the mad scientist...and she's way out of his league. Instead of being grateful, he goes madder...and keeps injecting himself.

Now Prof. Groves is a neanderthal man and also murdering...and raping. Ross finally figures this all out.  Uh oh, seems Prof. Groves has also injected other people. Groves dumps the nubile Ruth, but she still wants him. Nola is a mess. Now Groves' daughter Jan (Joyce Terry) figures out her dad is a mad scientist and a creature. All this is heading to a wild and gory ending in which sabretooth tigers are on the rampage and Professor Groves is also on the rampage, especially for beautiful dames.

Is the neanderthal man merely behaving like a California college fraternity hunk venturing to a neighboring sorority house?  How does Jan feel about her dad being engaged to a woman her same age? Will Ross get a clue and plant a big wet one on the unattached and nubile Jan? This is a vicious one for a 1950's B-Movie.  For some great cheese in peril, and a neat gorilla-man type monster, see "The Neanderthal Man."

Neverknock, Teens Shredded by Fear

Oh, those playful horror films when teens are shredded except for the virgin. We love that trope, but what if the monster is not familiar with that trope.  Today we have a brutal one with a lot of high school babes who will not stay babes.  A dark film that will stay dark, so be warned. With a great looking cast, a slimy monster, and tons of gore, impalements, and burning, a Syfy original is our feature today.  Let us look at 2017's "Neverknock," directed by Sheldon Wilson. 

Eliana Jones is a sultry actress and she is in this clad in a cheerleaders costume.  Uh oh, she is sixth in the credits meaning she will die a most gory death. Sadly she will be first to go...impaled by a myriad of needles...the monster did not like cheerleaders. So sad. Okay, legend has it if one knocks on the door of this old abandoned house on Halloween, the monster inside will pull you in and murder you.  The creature will kill you by what you fear the most.  For the lovely Grace (Dominique Provost-Chalkley) fire is her poison.  Her mom burned to death in a car wreck one year ago.  She is looking after her little fearless sister Jenna (Lola Flanery) when her new buddy, and potential lesbian lover, the lovely Leah (Jodelle Ferland) comes to get her to go trick-or-treating.  Along for the night is the sultry Amy (Kiana Madeira), the hunk Gavin (Varun Saranga), and the aforementioned cheerleader Sydney.

Jenna knocks on the door and the horror begins.  Yep, the sultry Sydney is impaled by needles.  She is the first.  Her mates have fears, too.  Bugs, fire, blood, etc.  Jenna, the little sister is not afraid of anything.  See where this is going?  You are part right.  When Jenna is taken by the house early on, Grace swears she will find her.  Leah, who wants to get into Grace's pants helps.  The others?  Monster bait!  They'll be hunted by their own fears.  So, the brave will prevail?  Nope.  The monster is loose on the town and lures the surviving babes back to it.  Then, what happens will be even more horrifying.

Will Leah and Grace survive and have a make-out session?  Will the fearless Jenna reemerge and slay the monster who kills with fear?  Was it a mistake to kill Sydney the cheerleader off so early, as she was the sultriest of the sultry in this one?  For those of you who like their horror films horrific and dark, see "Neverknock."     

Fear the Night, Maggie Q as Deadly as Ever

Many years removed from her Nikita role, Maggie Q still looks fabulous.  She can also kill just as competently as she did over a decade ago.  Now, there isn't anyone in this movie we like, which is good, because most will die horribly, but Maggie Q is Maggie Q, and that earns her our favor. As b#@$hy as she is in this one...she looks really good even without smiling and being generally grouchy.  In fact, in this one, her friends don't even like her...but, of course, they don't look like Maggie Q.  Our blood fest today is 2023's "Fear the Night," directed by Neil LaBute.

She's back from Iraq all messed up. Tess (Maggie Q) has PTSD, addictions, grouchiness, PMS, and generally a rotten demeanor. Even worse, she's headed to a bachelorette party for her giggly sister Rose (HighDee Kuan), put on by another grouchy and giggly sister Beth (Kat Foster). They will meet a half dozen giggly annoying girlfriends at their family homestead in the desert. Party games?  Cackling? A male stripper (KeiLyn Durrel)? Yep, all of the above.  Fortunately the beautiful but annoying Rose will get impaled by a crossbow arrow early on, and so will the stripper.  By who? A group of evil good ole boys led by Perry (Travis Hammer).  Why? Who cares.  Now the PTSD and depression and addiction ridden Tess is back in her element.  Back at war.  She turns back into a killer.

The war will be a bloody one as Tess tries to protect her sister Beth and their buddies from the evil invading force.  The death count will be high, and even though some of the victims are sultry dames, we're not sad to see them go.  Tess, on the other hand?  We are cheering for her, mostly because she is Maggie Q.  I even pulled for Maggie Q's Mia in that "Die Hard" film...the gal that got the SUV up the a**...remember?  The men with crossbows and knives are relentless, and so is Tess. Babes will fall in bloody fashion.  Brutes will fall in bloody fashion. All in all, this works as a bloody kill-fest...not as a character study, or morality tale.

Just how many will Tess kill?  Just how many cackling bachelorette party goers will be skewered?  Will Tess really snap and off some of the cacklng party-goers, too?  Maggie Q fans need to see this film, just turn it off before the annoying epilogue begins.  For a bloody good time, see "Fear the Night."