The Red Tide Massacre, Info-Babe vs. Red Tide Monster

Today we have the magnum opus of Susan Elle. Perhaps this isn't saying much, but she is matched up with Michael Pare and does go mano y mano with a hideous swamp creature born out of mutated algae. Take that, Scarlett Johansson! She'll even whack the thing with a frying pan a couple of times. Anyway, Info-Babes are always annoying and we always love to see them shredded, even in movies, but Miss Elle is kind of cute, so we do desire her to prevail against the monstrosity that emerges from the swamps. Our feature today is a film that demanded to be made, 2022's "The Red Tide Massacre," directed by John A. Russo.

Al (Rich Sands) is a cop killer who escapes from prison and is chased through the Florida swamps by the sheriff's department. Sheriff Fuller (Pare) shoots him a bunch and Al falls into the swamp which is laced with red tide. What is red tide? This movie won't tell you, so never mind. Yep, the red tide turns him into a twisted version of The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Rio Lee (Elle) is on the story and annoys Sheriff Fuller, even though the bait shop owner/deputy son of the sheriff, Tommy (Sam Schweikert) falls in love with her. The two romance as Tommy dumps his hot former GF, a marine biologist scientist, Kara (Gina Vitori).  Okay, Al, now a hideous creature, shreds babes in bikinis, their boyfriends, babes in short shorts, their boyfriends, county workers...well, let's juts say he murders a massive amount of Floridians in this one.

Rio Lee tries to get info for the newscast from Sheriff Fuller...who just puts her off.  The TV reporterette may have an annoying voice, but she is cute and Tommy and her get quite close as the creature kills lifeguards, wealthy couples in hot tubs...and just about anyone who lives in Florida. Sheriff Fuller continues his efforts to kill the creature.  Oh, to make matters more difficult, an old crazy guy (Duane Whitaker) is perpetuating a skunk ape (Bigfoot) prank on the community, which only throws the sheriff and Rio off track. No matter, the phony skunk ape will have an opportunity to meet the newest creature in the Florida everglades. 

Will Rio and Tommy engage in pre-marital sex, resulting in a catfight with Kara, and perhaps some skinny-dipping that lures the creature? Will Michael Pare wrestle Rio Lee away from his son, as he has more earning power?  Is there an Emmy for Rio Lee for her hard hitting reporting on skunk apes, red tide, and newly formed creatures borne out of mutant algae?  This is a fun one and if you loved those old made for Syfy-TV movies, you will love "The Red Tide Massacre."   

The Jolly Monkey, That Annoying Monkey Toy Reeks Terror

It is time we delve into the magnum opus of Courtney Fulk. I know what you're thinking, but perish the thought, even a babe who shines in a film by The Asylum is entitled to have a magnum opus.  This is no small feat, as our feature today is heavy on the gory kills, weirdness, and the taboo. To shine in a film like that is not easy, and Miss Fulk's allure keeps our eyes on her through the entire picture. Okay, the nemesis is a weird looking monkey slasher, but this is merely a metaphor for the Biden Administration, no doubt. Let us look at 2025's "The Jolly Monkey," directed by Ryan Ebert. 

The Jolly Monkey Motel, located in the middle of nowhere. The proprietors are a sweet old, but very psycho couple, Walter and Carolyn (Patrick Labyorteoux and Kathleen Turner). When a sweet family, with a sweet little girl (Aria Surrec) stop for the night, they are murdered and cut up, including the sweet little girl, Charlie. Fast forward 40 years, and the proprietors are dead and their daughters and their families converge on The Jolly Monkey Motel to...well, Debra (Jane Hajduk) wants to restore it and reopen it. Linda (Lisa Cole) wants to bulldoze it and sell the land. Debra's daughter Jenny (Fulk) and son Marshall (Neirin Winter) try to support mom but are creeped out by the place. Jenny finds old newspaper clippings about missing families back in the day and eventually will discover they all just happened to stay at the motel.

Linda an her family are eager to bulldoze the place but wouldn't you know it are one by one murdered by a big monkey who also cuts off their faces. Happens. Now Debra's family is on the run from a big monkey with bladed weapons. Uh oh, again, the ghost of that little girl, Charlie, seems to be trying to help Jenny and to tell her something.  Jenny is able to uncover the mystery of what went on when her grandparents ran the hotel and does not know how to tell Debra that her parents were serial killers. To add to the creepiness, those monkey toys with the cymbals and shit-eating grins are all over the place and all go spastic when someone talks about tearing down the motel. Jenny will  be put through the ringer and even end up tied up and at the mercy of the monkey. We get a sense early on who the killer is and it is quite the taboo plot twist.

Will the nubile Jenny have what it takes to save her family? Is the Jolly Monkey Motel somewhere where we can earn Hilton points?  Will the sweet and pure Jenny have to turn into a killer herself to save herself and her family? This is a creepy one and Miss Fulk's performance is dramatic and action-hero like. For a really creepy take on those old really creepy toys with banging cymbals, see "The Jolly Monkey." 

The Mirror, Kelly LeBrock in Silent Film Carnage

Who can ever forget the greatest quote in TV commercial history, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." Yep, the 1986 Pantene commercial with Kelly LeBrock shampooing in the shower. She was beautiful and we did not hate her, probably because she was beautiful.  The sultry actress would soon be the first American to own a hyperbaric chamber, though the relevance of that is still debatable. So  more than 20 years after that declaration, is Kelly LeBrock still beautiful? Looking back in time is what this quirky murder mystery is all about, through the eyes of the sultry Erin Cahill...who is still beautiful. Our feature today is 2007's "The Mirror" (aka "Hidden Chambers"), directed by Stephen Eckelberry.

The lovely Nina (Cahill) is a film student, spoiled and fawned over by her seemingly wealthy movie producer dad, Nicholas Theophilus  (Thaoo Penghlis), and has been B Movie actress mom, Mary (LeBrock). The child of privilege, Nina, has a cocaine problem that has had her in rehab, and is now chronicling her life with her little movie camera. Her BF is the loser, drug pusher Paul (Devin McGinn), who gives her some bad coke in which she ODs on and dies for a moment.  Guess who saves her! Yep, pervert electrician Jeff (Shiloh Strong). Jeff, fixing the wiring in the old house, discovered secret passageways that could see into every room through two-way mirrors...and he happened to be watching when Nina overdosed. He brings her back to life with CPR and now Nina doesn't know whether to pepper spray him, or fall in love with him.

Wait!  Secret passageways behind every room with two-way mirrors? Yep, back in the 1920s, silent film star Johnny Rambova (David Zappone) put them in to film his sexual relations with starlets. Sadly, his own murder was also filmed from back there and Nina and Jeff find the old films. Poor Nina, she will also see the perversions of her mom and dad from these secret rooms...and also, more carnage. See, Nicholas is not doing well producing movies so he is making his income from a spank-o-cam, where the blonde bimbo Bambi (Sarah Farooqui) is filmed being spanked. Oh, Mary screws a phony producer, Harvey (Bryan Callen) who says he is going to put her in a softcore porn film. Nina and Jeff film it all...then...another murder.

Is there a future for the drug addicted, deviance plagued Nina and the pervert voyeur Jeff? Will Mary resurrect her B Movie film career even though she is 20 years removed from her latest "hit"?  What does the murder of Johnny Rambova have to do with the murder that will shake the Theophilus family and just who will be murdered in present day? It is so great seeing Kelly LeBrock and her and Erin Cahill play dysfunction so well.  For a quirky murder mystery with deviance and exploited vices, see "The Mirror." 

Cold Heart, Nastassja Kinski in Peril

Nastassja Kinski in peril? From a python? We all remember Nastassja Kinski in that poster from the 80s, wearing nothing but a...python. Not any babe could have pulled that one off. Then came her erotic horror thriller, "Cat People." We were all hooked after that. So today we look at a thinly veiled remake of 1979's "Tess (probably not)," the film that introduced our vixen to America.  Though our film today is actually a good one 2001's "Cold Heart," directed by Dennis Dimster.

The Callisto yell! Yep, you remember her, the blonde femme-fatale deity that Xena ended up kicking the snot out of in "Xena: Warrior Princess." That babe in the black leather gladiator outfit is in this movie! A catfight between her and Nastassja Kinski? Don't be cynical, it just may happen. Linda (Kinski) is a movie producer with a lovely assistant, Julia (Hudson Leick, the aforementioned blonde psycho-deity). Linda's husband is Phil (Jeff Fahey), a very successful psychologist. Enter psycho Sean (Josh Holloway). Sean, when we meet him has tied up and gagged the pretty Natalie (Janne Oliver Campbell), and then kicked the snot out of her and humiliated her by mashing food all over her just before trying to kill her. Fortunately for Natalie, she is saved by a miracle and Sean is sent to a prison for the criminally insane, where Phil becomes his doctor. Yep, Phil gets him out and Sean outsmarts everyone.

Now a bunch of plot points that seem just a little too improbably, until you see this entire film. Sean gets a job as one of Linda's assistants. He realizes she is in a loveless marriage and her husband is cheating on her. Now he tries to romance her and what follows is just what we want to see in erotic thrillers. A lot of scenes of deviant and wet sex between Sean and Linda. Linda feels bad about it but Sean is an expert at charming her. Linda has no idea Sean is a psycho and loves the sex she is getting from the younger man. Julia encourages this as she knows what a heel Phil is. See where this is going? No you don't. More steamy shower scenes, steamy scenes at movie screenings, steamy scenes in lady's rooms, steamy scenes in hotel rooms.  Nudity abounds! Then comes the knives, ropes, and gags, and what first looked erotic and steamy, turns to horror and surprise.

Don't be fooled, this is a 95 minute film and you will want to watch all 95 minutes.  Just who is the psycho in this one and is the blonde babe with the Callisto scream above a good catfight with her boss, the woman who wrapped a python around her?  Twists abound, and though any guy who has received mixed signals from a babe, will like Sean...to some extent. Passion, more passion, deviance, then blood will grace the silver screen, so do yourself a favor and enjoy this Nastassja Kinski erotic thriller, "Cold Heart." By the way, all three women mentioned in this review are pictured above, just so you get an understanding of Sean's misogyny.

 

Venom, Voodoo Ghoul Annihilates Hunks and Babes

Eden Sinclair was a character portrayed by Rhona Mitra in the film "Doomsday" in 2008.  In it, Eden was a British commando fighting off diseased-ridden Scots. However, Eden Sinclair first appeared in film three years earlier, then portrayed by Agnes Bruckner. Interestingly enough, these two characters, both portrayed by babes, had nothing to do with one another. Our feature today takes place in a Louisiana bayou, and concerns a resurrected tow truck driver who has souls of all the evil people ever to live in the swamp in him...or something like that. Our feature today is 2005's "Venom," directed by Jim Gillespie.

Eden (Bruckner) is a doll of a waitress who works at a diner with her babe buddies Rachel (Laura Ramsey) and Cece (Meagan Good). Okay, Ray (Rick Cramer) is a scarred and hideously looking tow truck driver that comes across Eden later on as she is telling her hunk BF Eric (Jonathan Jackson) she loves him but is not in love with him...or something like that. The old voodoo hag, Cece's grandma, speeds down the road, swerves to miss Ray's truck and Eden and Eric and crashes over the guardrail into the river. Ray tries to save granny but snakes pop out of granny's suitcase and bite him a lot. At the morgue, Ray is resurrected as a homicidal soul with snakes inside him and he goes on a murderous rampage.

Sadly, he murders babes and hunks, all of Eden's buddies, in fact. Even sadder, two of Eden's babe friends, Tammy (Bijou Phillips) and Patty (Davetta Sherwood) are slaughtered near Ray's garage. Now the ghoul, Ray, chases down more babes and hunks and Eden and Eric figure out what is going on and run to granny's house where Cece is keeping vigil.  Yep, Ray is on his way and he has it in his mind that he needs to rip Eden, Cece, Eric, Rachel, and Ricky (Pawel Szadja) frrom limb to limb. Don't worry about Ricky. Cece might know how to stop Ray using voodoo, but we know it won't work. Now Ray uses chains, crowbars, machetes, and other bladed weapons to take apart babes and hunks and Eden seems to be the only one with an attitude that can stop him.

Any chance of a third Eden Sinclair film where Ms. Bruckner and Ms. Mitra can engage in a sweaty catfight? Does Eden have a chance to rid her life of this voodoo ghoul of a tow truck driver?  Do any of Eden's buddies have a shot at surviving this film?  Ms. Bruckner and her costars do a fine job and are all fine looking.  Ray, as the snake filled ghoul, is perfect contrast to the sweaty and nubile babes and hunks he wants to murder. For some good voodoo horror, see "Venom," the other Eden Sinclair movie. 

Gobblefoot, Half Bigfoot Half Turkey

We've demanded it ever since we were little kids. Finally we have it.  A film that chronicles that horror that overtook New England 300 years ago and remains to this day.  The story of that hellion created out of witchcraft and lore, the half Bigfoot-half turkey creature.  In gripping horror, and biting reality, our film today is 2025's "Gobblefoot," directed by Matt Jaissle.

300 years ago a witch was burned at the stake in Salem's Bluff, Connecticut.  While beginning to burn, the hag cursed the town to be forever terrorized by a creature born in Hell. Now in the present day, Gobblefoot is back...half turkey, half Bigfoot. Initially he rips apart a hiker (Rogan Russell Marshall). But wait, this bloke was filming with his 8mm camera as he was being torn apart. Now the footage is mysteriously sent to a professor of New England lore, Dr. Holden (Chris Heikka). Also in the same package is a pentagram amulet. Holden gets out his map of Michigan and drives to Connecticut and Salem's Bluff...don't ask. There he meets some reluctant residents who seem hostile. Of note is Karswell (Jim Bunny Bundshuh), a trans-clown-crossdressing-weirdo (a character taken out of "All the President's Men"). Karswell steals the pentagram from Holden but offers him no information. With the pentagram, Karswell, who originally resurrected the creature, can now control it.

The big turkey monster strikes often and Holden's PTSD from some war paralyses him every time he hunts for the thing. Karswell orders pizza, Hawaiian (don't ask), and feeds more people to the bird. Now clad in high-heeled boots, a sequins sports jacket, and clown nose, Karswell does a few incantations. Holden is out in the cold as more and more residents of Salem's Bluff are torn to pieces by the thing. Where does this all lead? This is a very similar film to Kubrick's "Paths of Glory," but believe it or not, goes in a different direction at the ending. See for yourself.

Will Dr. Holden be able to keep his PTSD episodes in check long enough to successfully hunt the monster?  Is Karswell a thinly veiled metaphor for Kamala Harris?  Will Connecticut be ever cursed with the terror the Gobblefoot monster brings? A movie for our times, no doubt.  For a true understanding of the New England culture, see "Gobblefoot." 

Killer Content, Psychos and an Influencer

A sultry influencer who has millions of YouTube subscribers! She's hot! Her channel focusses on beauty, travel, inspiration, and style! I wonder if I did a blog about those four things instead of horror films, would I also have millions of subscribers. This begs the question...a sultry influencer?  If she goes against psychos...who do wee pull for?  Do we pull for the perfume, teased hair, and Botox...or do we pull for the guy with the rusty sickle and icepick? Even better...this one takes place in an isolated cabin in the woods!  Our feature today is 2025's "Killer Content," directed by Chris St. Croix.

Jexy D. (Katie Keene) is our YouTube vlogger with the millions of adoring fans. She's hot and stylish and as the film begins...well, you'll see.  Now she needs time alone to figure things out.  Off social media for more than a couple of weeks, her fans demand her back and she intends a comeback video.  Off social media?  Why?  You'll see. Uh oh...we get clues that the veil of glamour and happiness may be merely a ...veil.  Addicted to some kind of pills, and wine, Jexy D. secludes herself in a cabin and intends to film her comeback video. The sexy and stylish babe sets everything up and then a knock on the door. Jexy is not happy someone found her.  On the other side of the door is the beautiful but unhinged Megan (Casey Casmira). An adoring fan who begs Jexy to take some time with her and help her become an influencer. Jexy says no, and Megan goes psycho. A catfight later and Jexy is tied up and has her hands bound.

See where this is going?  Megan is apologetic about kicking the snot out of Jexy but desperately wants the world's foremost blogger on style and beauty to help her.  Then Kyle (Nathan Freitas) arrives...Jexy's agent/BF. He's useless, as Megan's psycho BF, Donnie (Diego Gomez) also arrives. Bloody murder ensue.  Now Donnie and Megan insist Jexy help her get a million subscribers.  There's a problem for the two fiends who killed Kyle.  Yep...Megan and Donnie are not the only bloodthirsty psychos in the cabin.  Even worse for Megan and Donnie, even though Jexy is bound and tied to the floor, she is sizing them up and waiting for a chance to...well, that's enough for now.

Just what is Jexy's real persona and why did she step away from social media for weeks?  Are Megan and Donnie psycho enough to ward off what Jexy has planned for them?  After this is all over...who will get a million more subscribers?  Catfights, blood, gore, murder, torture, and beauty secrets will come at you fast.  For terrific influencer carnage, see "Killer Content."