Mortal Game, Predator Rip-Off

A rip-off? Yep, but let's be honest...that is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, isn't "Jaws" a mere rip-off of "Moby Dick"? Instead of a grunting Arnold Schwarzenegger, we have a screaming Danielle Alexis. Okay, you had to ask...who is Daniella Alexis? She's kind of cute and boy can she scream.  Not in horror but in bacchanal anger and determination. You'll ask why can't your mate scream like that?  Throw a seemingly unbeatable creature into your role playing, and she might.  Our feature today is the "Predator" rip-off, 2024's "Mortal Game," directed by John Lechago.

As our film begins we meet out hunters and don't like any of them. When Jessie (Alexis) begins screaming, this will change. These hunters have paid top dollar to be brought to this island to hunt the most dangerous predator ever...though no one knows what it is. Jessie is cute but obviously deadly with her weapon of choice...the crossbow. Bailey (Madison Caan) is the other gal, and as you may have heard in "Highlander," there can be only one. Murphy (Kevin Lloyd Reid) is the very serious guide.  He knows things.  He knows this creature is not human or animal, but maybe an E.T. He's tough and serious and won't be around long. There are others. Uh oh...thinking they're alone the hunting party meets a crazy remnant from the previous party. He is quite mad and his mates are long gone...and he will be too.

The creature they believe they are hunting is actually hunting them and doing a great job. He's big, has razor sharp claws, fast as a gazelle, and toothy.  He toys with the hunters and looks like he is having fun with them. The hunters are not that good and keep stepping in bear traps.  Jessie begins screaming and that does brighten our spirits.  Unfortunately for her, the creature is not intimidated by her scream.  Still, she will yell at the creature but will it be enough?

Is Jessie coming across as a woman who is always screaming at people and creatures enough to make us cheer for the creature?  Will Jessie scream at the other babe in the film causing a catfight?  Will the creature ever scream back at this mad babe?  This is a gory one with a high death count. The creature is nasty and will even wipe off a face or two from the invading hunters. See "Mortal Game" and treat yourself to a screaming babe who isn't screaming at you at the moment.

Meth Gator, Addicted in the Swamp

Remember Meth was the scourge of America's youth.  Before that crack.  Before that cocaine. Before that PCP.  LSD and marijuana were before that.  I guess now we have Fentanyl murdering us by the hundreds of thousands. It is easy to forget alligators.  They probably eat millions of Floridians per year.  Combine the lizard creature with a Meth addiction and we have a neat one from The Asylum...2023's "Meth Gator," directed by Christopher Olen Ray.

Yep...we'll be cheering for the gator. Sheriff Williams (Bruce Peoples) and his deputy get the drop on a couple of Meth dealers. A chase into the swamp ensues and massive amounts of Meth are thrown into the swamp. The gator swallows it and eats one of the dealers and a deputy. Now the gator behaves like an addict...even loses a tooth or two. Dante (LaRonn Marzett) arrives from the DEA in order to help the sheriff find a massive Meth lab in the swamp and to kill the gator.  He meets up with an old flame, Anna (Vanesa Tamayo) who used to be a cop...and now is a bartender...don't ask. The gator gets jumpy and seeks more Meth. He'll eat more Meth dealers, a bikini babe, a cell tower, more deputies, the mayor, etc.  The kill count will be high. 

Bithlo (Ray Acevedo) is a gator hunter but not a very good one.  His drone will get eaten by the creature and he'll be chased by it continually throughout the film.  In one of the most awkward scenes in film history, Dante will come upon some rednecks drinking beer at a campfire and enter a slapping-in-the-face contest with one of them. Don't ask.  Mercifully, the scene ends and our merry group of characters continue their trek to find the gator and the mega-lab.

Is there any chance that the gator will prevail?  Will Anna and Dante get back together, and will they actually make us care?  Is this film an accurate representation of what America's war on Fentanyl is destined to become? Maybe "Fentanyl Croc"?  For some neat alligator horror, with a high kill count, and an explosive ending... see "Meth Gator." 

Life Blood, Two Hot Lesbian Vampires

Two hot lesbian vampires who make-out a lot. A sheriff's department with a mean sheriff, a midget deputy, and a sultry Asian babe deputy. A high kill count with a lot of blood.  A god, or an angel, or demon portrayed by a hot babe. Catfights. I know...I asked the same thing.  How did we miss this 2009 film?  Today we look at "Life Blood," directed by Ron Carlson.

As our film begins the sultry Brooke (Sophie Monk) is making out with the equally as hot Rhea (Anya Lahiri). The two lesbian lovers are at a New Year's Eve party in 1969 at a Hollywood actor's (Justin Shilton) place. The actor tries to make moves on Brooke and Rhea but is rebuffed.  He finds Carrie (Scout Taylor-Compton) and tries to rape her.  Brooke intervenes and stabs the actor 87 times. Now on the run, Brooke and Rhea pull over. Rhea is a good soul and wants to go back. Wait!  God (Angela Lindvall) comes down, kills Brooke, and makes Rhea a vampire. Rhea's job is to rid the world of evil people. Rhea begs this god-babe into bringing Brooke back to life.  Mistake.

40 years later, Brooke and Rhea emerge from a cocoon as vampires.  Brooke is evil and kills everyone she meets.  Rhea tries to stop her.  A sheriff's department finds the bodies. Now the sheriff (Charles Napier), his midget deputy (Danny Woodburn), and his hot Asian deputy (Jennifer Tung) are after the duo. The duo get holed up in a hostage situation and more neck-biting and murder takes place. Now a catfight as Rhea realizes Brooke can't be reformed. The cops close in.  A moment of truth between the good vampire Rhea and the evil vampire Brooke is at hand.  More kissing...and biting ensue.

Will Rhea be forced to murder her lover, Brooke?  Will Brooke murder Rhea?  Will any of these two babe vamps feed on the hot Asian chick deputy?  Erotic and vicious.  For a steamy and bloody vampire film, see "Life Blood."  

Centipede Horror, A Yuck-Fest From Hong Kong

Leave it to Asian horror to come up with the most disgusting ways to die. At or near the top of the list is having centipedes explode out of your body and then, once outside, eat you. Think of it...you cough...a few centipedes explode out of your mouth...you vomit...same result. All those sores on your flesh which the doctors can't figure out...also exit portals for our 100 legged friends. Today, from Hong Kong...1982's "Centipede Horror" (aka "Wu Gong Zhou").

The very pretty Kay and Amy vacation in southeast Asia. Neither of these nubile women will stay pretty, as they are attacked by thousands of centipedes. Amy will die immediately, but Kay will hang on until her brother makes it to the hospital. As Pak (Mui Kui Wai) visits his ailing sister, she dies as hordes of centipedes crawl out of her wounds. Doctors are baffled...nothing new there...but Pak is told his sister fell victim to an evil curse. Pak is joined by the beautiful Chee (Margaret A. Li) and the two find out that Pak's grandfather did something unspeakable 50 years ago, hence a curse was put on his family.

Now Chee and Pak must figure out a way to fight and end the curse. Meanwhile, our duo find a priest who just may be able to help him. As they meet him, he is in the midst of an exorcism which will have two ghost children assist the priest in saving a nubile unfortunate. The priest will be successful as the babe vomits loads of scorpions...what a story she'll have to tell.  Beware, the evil priest responsible for the curse is cunning and will try to wipe out Pak through Chee. As the beautiful Chee is possessed by the evil priest and millions of centipedes converge on Pak, it all looks hopeless.  The pretty Chee is now controlled by centipedes living inside her head (literally), and Pak won't be able to resist her seductive signals.

Will our dueling priests settle this before Pak has to act with a giant can of Raid? Will Chee and Pak's first go at pre-marital sex end in a shower of centipedes? Is a shower of centipedes a fetish for Asian businessmen?  This is an icky one and you'll be feeling bugs crawling all over you long after the end credits roll. I hope the actresses were paid well for their efforts in this film because there are a lot of crawling centipedes spit out of their mouths. For a true Asian ick-fest, see "Centipede Horror," directed by Keith Li. 

Swap, Erotic Vampire Tale

In the style of Jean Rollin, and the Euro-Trash subgenre, we have a uber-erotic vampire film today.  Sure, the story is not anything surprising.  The twists are predictable.  The scares are mediocre.  However, first and foremost...this is an exercise in eroticism...the toothy kind.  This movie is all erotic, all the time.  With a great looking cast, of four, nude, sweaty, and in the throes of passion for almost the entire film, those of you who like your vampires sultry, hunky, and erotic, we have 2024's "Swap," directed by Dallas King.

Hunk cop Rad (James Eastwood) and hot GF Kayla (Jessica Leila Greene) begin the film in the throes of sweaty and deviant passion. They are so in love. Uh oh...Kayla is getting bored and wants to either introduce a third into their sex activities, or another couple. Rad is hesitant. No matter, the two lovers head off for a weekend with Kayla's buddy, the hot blonde Glory (Erin Anne Gray) and her fiancé, the hunk Angelo (King). When they arrive, they walk in on Glory and Angelo having hot sweaty sex. The quartet will have a great time at the mountaintop luxury home as Angelo and Glory broach the subject of more deviant and exploratory sex. Kayla is all for it, Rad is not. As a compromise, topless hot tub activities with the two babes in make-out sessions will follow.

Rad is feeling left out as he is the only skeptic to threesomes or foursomes. Uh oh, Angelo and Glory are sexual vampires...feeding on orgasms and deviance.  Glory will get Kayla alone in a steamy and erotic bath.  The two babes will be all over one another.  Angelo gets Rod alone and tries to sell him on the idea of swinging or foursomes...and to give a hint to what they are.  As Kayla and Glory bring one another to...glory...Glory bares her fangs and...well, you'll see.

Do Glory and Angelo desire to turn the hot guests into vampires, or to eat them?  Will Rad be able to hold out and maintain his humanity and to also keep Kayla from going to the undead side?  Will the hot, sweaty, and lathery gals engage in catfights over the two hunks?  There will be spankings, whippings, lipstick lesbian deviance, and blood.  For an incredibly seductive vampire film, with a hot cast, see "Swap."  

The Forest Hills, Werewolves, Brain Injuries, and Madness

Admittedly, this will be a difficult one to defend...but I will. Great cast. Dee Wallace! Felissa Rose! Shelley Duvall! Not just cameos, but all significant roles. Ms. Duvall plays her role so well in this brutal horror flick that we wince every time she is on the screen. Gore! A death count that will be astronomical! The most psycho of psychos ever put on the silver screen!  Our feature today is 2023's "The Forest Hills," directed by Scott Goldberg.

Rico (Chiko Mendez). Pure psycho.  Homicidal psycho. Head injuries, demented parents, abuse, and werewolves did not help his upbringing...thus he is insane. As our film begins he gets word that his estranged mother (Duvall) is dying. He returns...and murders her. Not an easy scene to watch. Flashbacks hint at a murderous childhood that riddles him with guilt, trauma, and homicidal tendencies. Now we witness Rico's further descent into madness. He gets back together with his therapy group. Yep, this is a group of insane peeps who suffered head injuries. This group includes Billy (Edward Furlong). Not a healthy group to hang with, I must say. He'll kill most of them. Now Rico believes werewolves stalk the forest around him and are closing in on him. Uh oh...Rico wrestles with a revelation...is he the werewolf?

Rico flashes back about the boss who fired him (Wallace). Yep...poor Dee Wallace. Rico feels compelled to pay her a visit. A massacre in a diner will result. With big knives, guns, or his bare hands, Rico's death count, massacre aside, will be a couple dozen.  Even his very pretty therapist (Caitlyn Classey) will not be deemed too pretty to die horribly. The werewolves converge, at least in his mind.  Now Rico allows his lycanthrope self to emerge and he himself begins to prowl the woods.

Is Rico a werewolf?  Are there really werewolves prowling the woods? Will anyone in this film that Rico comes across survive?  Bloody, thought provoking, and at times hard to watch, "The Forest Hills" is for horror fans who love horror without diversions or humorous sides. Enjoy this journey into mega-madness, and see it if you dare.

I Saw Black Clouds, Nightmarish and Ominous

You know when you look back at your childhood and remember the movies that legitimately gave you nightmares.  Growing up in the 80s, we're supposed to say "The Day After" gave us nightmares...it didn't. In fact, it bored us to tears, but to seem enlightened and socially conscious, we have to say it did. "Let's Scare Jessica to Death" gave us nightmares, but  we don't mention that. No, we say the mini-series "Holocaust" gave us nightmares, but it didn't. Still, we have to act socially conscious and fake our past fears. Today we look at a hokey film that we can't defend cinematically, other than it will give you nightmares.  Forget the "Terrifier" films, our feature today will give you nightmares. Our feature today is 2024's "I Saw Black Clouds," directed by Iain Ross-McNamee.

The lovely coed Emily (Carla Cresswell) has committed suicide.  Her girlfriends are in shock and desperate for answers.  Enter the sultry, but unhappy Kristina (Nicole O'Neill). She actually begins investigating what happened to her buddy.  This won't go well. A search of Emily's room introduces Kristina to a ghostly arm that grabs her and causes her to find Emily's diary. The diary leads Kristina to a creepy therapist, Dominique (Babette Barat), who uses hypnotism. Emily confided in Dominique that a spooky ghost of a young girl kept whispering to her and was always with her.  The ghost wanted Emily to commit suicide.

This ghost? Yep, further investigation introduces Kristina to Agnes (Ellinor Porsdotter) the ghost. Many generations ago, Agnes drowned herself and her unborn baby. Now Agnes curses the land leading young babes to also commit suicide. Now Agnes is hot after Kristina but Kristina refuses to give up her search for answers.  The quest takes her to a couple of closed down and haunted lunatic asylums,  Agnes keeps claiming coed victims. Kristina finds herself in basements, long dark corridors, or spiral staircases, always with Agnes trailing a few feet behind her.  Then Kristina discovers something horrific.  Something that might indicate she will be the next victim of Agnes' curse on the land.

Ominous and without humor or wit, this film relies on ghostly and eerie images that are all terrifying. We like Kristina but only because she is quite a dish.  Her fate seems that of a doomed beauty.  Can our sultry coed protagonist overcome a centuries old ghost? What really draws Kristina to these abandoned lunatic asylums?  Will there be a catfight between the nubile babe of the living, and the chilled and former nubile babe of the dead?  Prepare for nightmares, even though the story may be lacking.  This is after all a ghost/horror story...so enjoy "I Saw Black Clouds" and don't worry about not being amused. 

The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace, Giallo in the Finger Lakes

Ah, Giallo! Gratuitous Italian horror. One remembers Edwige Fenech...the queen of Giallo. Edwige nude. Edwige in undies. Edwige in shiny black boots. Edwige in peril...or putting another sultry Euro-Babe in peril. Oh, the memories. Thanks to Mark Polonia, we have another Giallo film...sort of.  His homage to this subgenre is so much fun and conjured up great memories.  Our feature today is 2024's "The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace," directed by Mr. Polonia. Set in New York state and starring the wonderful bikini-clad actress, Alyssa Paige.

Our film opens as a model from the Massimo agency (Jacqueline Sissenstein) is in nude bondage in some seedy basement, bound with yellow duct tape. A masked killer taunts her, then offs her with a machete. Happens...at least in Giallo films. Okay, in need of a new model, the agency brings in the sultry blonde Arianna (Paige). She's sultry and does bikinis and undies nicely. Her life is about to change as the director of the agency, Contessa (Jennie Russo), sets her up with dozens of social media obligations, all designed to show her assets and bring in big bucks. Her boyfriend, Jack (Addison Turner), is weird, and a bit moralistic. This causes friction. More models from this agency are also murdered by this masked killer in black, usually with a knife, though one is drowned in a tub...I think Edwige went that way in one of her films.

The killer is now transfixed on Arianna...as are we...so we don't hold it against him...or is it a her? Arianna will continue to make love to the camera and this is fine with us.  The killer gets more and more aroused and keeps pursuing dames attached to the agency. The pretty will die horribly in humiliating fashion, and Arianna seems to be next. Enter a weird cop, Officer Dante (Jeff Kirkendall). Now he emerges as a suspect, as is Jack, the other models, her photographer (Marco Sandoval), and some clients of the agency. Yep, everyone is a suspect.  This film includes all the Giallo tropes and always reverts to gratuitous nude or underwear scenes.

Will Arianna make it to the ends credits without getting skewered or disemboweled?  Will any of the gorgeous models of the Massimo Agency survive?  Just who is this killer that stalks the beautiful? Oh!  I should mention, the wonderful Lynn Lowry has a terrific scene in this film that puts the world of modeling in perspective. The cheese factor is amazing as Miss Paige absolutely gets into her role.  For some fun European fun, without leaving New York state, see "The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace."  

Mother Lode, Charlton Heston Terrorizes Kim Basinger

Kim Basinger, the perfect damsel in great distress. Of course, in this film, the terror and peril she is in will not match that of which she experienced in her marriage to Alec Baldwin. One might argue that her character in today's film was not necessary to the plot...I disagree.  Whenever you have a sultry blonde, who is a total ditz, good things happen. With grunting mountain men, a semi-imbecile leading man, and mud-filled settings, putting Kim Basinger in the film is perfect. Today we have a forgotten gem from 1982, "Mother Lode," directed by and starring Charlton Heston. Oh, co-directed by Fraser C. Heston. Did I mention Kim Basinger, at her acting peak, is in this?

Okay, somewhere in the mountains of northern British Columbia, the mother lode exists...gold!  It is just waiting to be found. As the film begins an unfortunate schmuck (Rocky Zantolas) tries to find it and is pick-axed by...Silas (Heston). Silas is a mountain man who believes he is the only one with a right to this lode. Mention gold...and schmucks come running. The schmuck has two friends...Jean (Nick Mancuso) and Andrea (Basinger). I hazard to say he liked Andrea more...not because of her wit and personality, though. These two board a small plane and head up north.  They crash land in the lake near the mine and are found by Silas...who initially comes across as helpful. Good for Nick...he does not trust Silas.  Now Silas must contend with Nick and Andrea.  Andrea wants to find the man Silas murdered.  Nick wants...gold!

Silas tries to get the duo to leave with their lives.  Greed engulfs Nick and this ruins all his chances to get into Andrea's pants. Andrea is imperiled by Silas and...someone else, you'll see. With Nick going totally crazy with gold fever (greed), Andrea is grabbed by...you'll see. Silas, the madman prospector, has his own mine where he believes the gold is...and Nick finds it.  War between the two rages and Andrea may just be the prize for the winner.  Not that Andrea will have anything to say about this...but, seriously, she's just a ditzy blonde in peril.  I mean, its not like we're waiting for her to assert some anthem on the evils of greed, or that all women should be respected.  After all, its Kim Basinger...

Will Nick be able to take out Silas and take possession of the gold mine?  Will Silas, with all his grunting and bad manners, get Andrea?  Babes love grunting and burping men, after all. Will the quest for the gold turn into the quest for Andrea's affections?  This is a good one filled with great British Columbia scenery and great Kim Basinger scenery.  For a nice movie of the night find, see "Mother Lode."

Sawbones, A Cheesy Dr. Giggles Rip-Off

We have a nice straight-to-VHS one for you from 1995. Three years after "Dr. Giggles" shocked us, another medical thriller with a major league cheese factor arrived on video. Yep, the sultry Barbara Carrera will end up strapped on a gurney with her clothes ripped off as her boy toy will be prepped for castration.  I bet you did not think you'd hear that sentence when you got up this morning.  Still, we don't talk about the uber-hot Barbara Carrera enough.  Our feature today is "Sawbones," directed by Catherine Cyran.

One of the greatest characters ever put on film is Jenny (Nina Siemaszko).  She works in the admissions department of a med school.  Her boss is Rita (Carrera) and Rita hates her. The ditz is a contradiction to all the hard working brains at the university and the attached hospital. An under achiever, leads with her T&A, fails at any endeavor she undertakes, and is all slut...until one day. Yep, some weirdo who was rejected for admission at the medical school, Willy (Don Harvey), begins kidnapping people and giving them a drug so they are 100% aware but unable to move.  With the victim quite awake, Willy operates on them and removes their internal organs.  One day, while driving, and all dolled up, with her BF Brad (Nicholas Sadler), she finds the remains of one of Willy's victims.  Because of this she meets hunk detective Burt (Adam Baldwin) and is inspired.

Now, to her great peril, she begins playing detective.  Rita will yell at Jenny and humiliate her by stealing Brad. More and more victims will have their organs surgically cut out in Willy's basement and flushed down the toilet.  Now Jenny will be in danger of losing her job in the admissions office and also lose her fiancé. Even worse, her brilliant ideas will endanger Rita who is now target #1 for the psycho Willy.  Willy has something special planned for Rita, which entails stripping her, and Brad.  Now Jenny, a generally good person, will endanger herself by trying to play the hero and saving these two creeps who have made her life miserable.  Oh, yes.  Detective Burt?  Not a great detective, but he and Jenny begin falling in love.

What will Willy do to Rita, the admissions director who rejected him, as she is naked and in bondage?  Will Willy turn the tables on Jenny and put her in bondage, as well?  Will Jenny and Rita engage in a catfight over the medical student hunk Brad?  This is a gory one with a great cheese factor. For a gratuitous look back at straight-to-VHS prurient thrillers, see "Sawbones."   

Graphic Desires, AI, the Sex Trade, and Murder

AI...let's cut to the chase.  Its biggest impact will be in the sex trade. Porn. Prostitution. Self-gratification. Legalized deviancy including BDSM, torture, and bondage.  Yeah, right...go ahead and tell yourself that AI will help cure cancer, create geniuses out of school kids, help hospitals prescribe the right drugs, and make the paralyzed walk again...sure. Go ahead and tell yourself that.  The perverts and deviants of the world will reap the biggest rewards...if they can survive this AI. Our feature today is 2022's "Graphic Desires," directed by Andy Edwards. 

Okay, so here it is...but do not pay to much attention to my plot description. Franklin (David Wayman), works from home on computer stuff. His live-in GF Candida (Sian Altman) is a babe nymphomaniac with some really sexy undies. She wants to have a lot of pre-marital sex with him, but he is not interested. Instead, he gets addicted to online porn and chatrooms.  He also is lured to get an app on his phone, Smasher. His bestie, Brendan (Ocean Harris) does the app and gets instant hook-ups. When Candida is away on business, Brendan meets the raging pervert Atlanta (May Kelly) on the app. They hook-up and she is all deviance all the time. Then poof!  Atlanta is gone. Off the app and seemingly out of Franklin's life.  Franklin is now addicted to Atlanta's deviance and will stop at nothing to find her.  He has Brendan, who is a hacker, try to find Atlanta using computers, as Brendan knows how to design apps.

Uh oh...Brendan finds something out about Atlanta.  Worse yet, Candida finds out Franklin had gone out and met Atlanta. Now Candida wants to find Atlanta and pull her false eyelashes off and shove them up the slut's nose. Okay, stop. Think you got it? You don't. Then everything changes.  No one is who you thought they were...except Franklin...he's all pervert. What Brendan finds out about Atlanta is horrific and he understands his buddy Franklin will not be able to handle the truth.  Worse yet, Candida is determined to find Atlanta before Franklin does.  You think you got the twist...you think Atlanta is not real. Ha!  Nope, you still don't get it.  Kinkiness, deviance, bondage, whipping, torture, and humiliation await...and it won't be made up.

Who is Atlanta and where did she disappear to? Why is it so important for Candida to find Atlanta before Franklin does? What exactly did Brendan find out about Atlanta's whereabouts and identity? Instead of getting the Smasher app on your phone, plough into a kinky and deviant techno-thriller, and see "Graphic Desires."

Heatstroke, Monster Lizards and the Sweetheart

The sweetheart? Danica McKellar!  She just turned 50 a couple of months ago.  We first set eyes on her in that 1988 TV show "The Wonder Years."  In that show we watched her blossom into a really nice looking teenager.  Danica McKellar as a super model?  Okay, maybe miscast...but maybe not.  Throw in some monster lizards, army men, another babe or several, and we have a nice Syfy movie with D.B. Sweeney as the leading man.  Our feature today is 2008's "Heatstroke," directed by Andrew Prowse.

Okay...he's looney...maybe. Cpt. Steve O'Bannon (Sweeney) of the US Army is part of a special unit that is folding because of lack of results. Then, Steve gets results. See, Steve is plagued by nightmares of dinosaur creatures sneering at him through his TV set. Ever since childhood, he has had these dreams. Then while hang gliding he is attacked by a lizard creature and sent spiraling into a photo shoot filled with bikini clad supermodels. Ruining the shoot, supermodel Caroline (McKellar) is irate and yells at him.  Not apologetic, Steve goes back to his unit with Caroline chasing him and yelling the entire way.  His unit? There is Romeo (Zac Heileson), a real hunk.  There is Jillian (Kelly Rice) a babe blonde with a great tan and who perspires nicely.  She and Romeo swap a lot of spit and make many goo-goo eyes at one another.

Okay, the monster lizards attack.  Caroline tries to put her photo shoot back on again, Being escorted by one of Steve's men, the other supermodels are shredded and pulled apart by the monsters.  Now Caroline sort of likes Steve.  Finally...contact.  Steve's unit has finally confirmed the aliens, and the aliens seem to be aggressive.  They murder, make the bugs on the island bigger, and even co-opt one of Steve's men...which will be horrific for Jillian.  Caroline and one of Steve's men known as Mental (Wayne Pygram) make bullets and explosives as Steve's unit dissipates at the hands of the monsters.  Poor Jillian, you won't like what happens to her, but Caroline is the main babe in this film and sometimes there is not enough room for two babes, dammit!

Will the monster lizards allow a romance between Caroline and Steve?  What is the connection between Steve's nightmares and the monster invasion?  Will the monster lizards do the unthinkable to the pretty, blonde, and tanned Jillian?  This is a good one with a nice cheese factor.  For some nice and cheesy scifi/horror with great creatures, see "Heatstroke."  

The Perfect Cheerleader, Cheerleaders in Trouble

Cheerleaders! Their big...smiles!  Their bare midriffs!  High leg kicks (and what legs)! They're perky and always in great moods.  The team may stink...but the cheerleaders are always happy and seemingly so willing to throw their allure and sex appeal at any situation.  But wait!  In this overly sexualized world, they are also in peril. In peril from woke feminists or from men who assume they can have their way with them, any time. The nubile babes with the smiles and tight costumes may be in for humiliation or worse.  Hence our feature today, 2019's "The Perfect Cheerleader" (aka "The Cheerleader Escort"), directed by Alexandrie Carriare.

Cassie (Alexandra Beaton) is a sultry freshman coed at Tate Riley University. Right away, an upper-class coed, Gabby (Joelle Farrow) convinces her to try out for the cheer/dance team. Hesitantly, Cassie agrees and makes the squad. She fits right in.  Cheerleader coach, Stephanie (Carolyne Maraghi) is happy to have her and so are the other girls. Uh oh...poor Cassie...she will realize reality way too late. The cheer squad is an escort service, shall we say.  More accurately, the squad is an expensive hooker ring. Wealthy alumni pay top dollar to have sex with the girls.  Stupid Cassie, she believes 45 year-old Terry ( Damon Runyon) is actually interested in her for her mind and personality. Yep, Cassie will be seduced by the almost middle-aged creep.

Gabby is thrilled...another hooker in the brothel, or escort in Stephanie's high-priced agency. Gabby lured her in but now she herself is in great danger.  Cassie believes Gabby is her friend but when horror and viciousness fell the nubile Gabby, Cassie begins asking questions.  The types of questions that can get a girl maimed and ripped apart.  The clients are all powerful men who do not take no for an answer...and Stephanie makes sure if a girl pulls back, that girl will be "taken care of."  Now Cassie is finding out too much.  Even worse...the nubile Cassie has a plan...a bad plan...the type of plan that can get a girl killed.

Will Cassie's plan actually work, and what is that plan?  Should Cassie shut up and earn her own tuition money rather than burdening the American tax payers to pay for the full tuition of another veterinarian? Are there cheerleader catfights brewing?  This is a light and playful drama that turns dark and horrific for our nubile babes (there's that word again) quickly.  See "The Perfect Cheerleader" and enjoy the drama, gratuitous cheerleader routines, and babes in dark danger...and one of the best cheese factors in motion picture history! 

Shark Girl, When Women Turn into Maneaters

Okay...I get it. A metaphor.  I can hear you men, especially you recently divorced or dumped men, now. They always look good.  They always purr.  They always know just how to touch you.  Then!  Yep, then! After you commit to them...wham!  They change.  The lovely fish becomes a maneater.  Intent on ruining your manhood, a woman always changes. Well, simmer down.  You chose her. Our feature today is a metaphor for the sultry dame who in reality, is something else.  Let us look at 2024's "Shark Girl," directed by Justin Shilton and Rob Zazzali.

A mediocre, but very hot, influencer, Heidi (Alexandra Corin Johnston) prances around Venice Beach in alluring swimwear or exercise gear.  She's hot.  Her boy toy Ron (Ryan Bertroche) is her hunk camera guy. He's mean and not very sensitive. As a nuclear plant melts down a few feet from Venice Beach, and radioactive waste pours into the surf, Ron orders Heidi into the surf for that wet and wild look her followers long to see.  In the surf, a radioactive shark bites her...now Heidi turns into a sort of wereshark. Really.  Poor Ron. His disrespect for this influencer, who has only 60,000 followers, will no longer be tolerated,  She'll eat Ron after eating the hunk Kevin (Patrick Luwis) and the babe Ashley (Elle Chapman). In fact, this film will have a huge death count.

Bad timing, Christopher (Nick Tag), a hunk blogger arrives and kind of likes Heidi.  Christopher's blog is reporting on the shark attacks, though its not a shark, around Venice Beach.  He tries to get to know Heidi. Also arriving is Heidi's bestie, Sienna (Sumayyah Ameerah)...a marine biology student. Heidi will continue changing by growing rows of razor sharp teeth and eating peeps. She'll eat a fellow model, Gina (Delaney Hogan) as she gives us some gratuitous swimwear poses. Now Sienna and Christopher figure out Heidi is responsible for the shark attacks at Venice Beach and find a way to cure her.  Uh oh, because Heidi ate Sienna's brother, Sienna is more interested in revenge than helping Heidi. Uh oh again, Heidi is becoming deadlier and she needs a mate...hence Christopher better be careful. 

Will Heidi eat Christopher either metaphorically or literally? Is a hot blonde influencer in skimpy bikinis or tight workout gear worth the mood swings and an occasional nip?  Will Sienna find a harpoon and engage in a catfight to the death with the shark girl?  This is, what Variety has reported, the film Steven Spielberg wanted to make but Universal would not give him the budget, hence we got Jaws. For a nice shark film that captures the ethos of a woman, see "Shark Girl."  

The Vampire and the Vigilante, Michael Pare and a Babe Vampire

A hard one to defend? Not at all!  See, tonight the Oscars will heap a lot of praise and bling on a stupid woke so-called movie about a cartel boss who wants to undergo a sex change operation. Oh, it is a musical, in the style of "Cop Rock."  If that film is Oscar material, our vampire film starring Michael Pare is pure artistry.  Anyway, a non-woke film that dares to portray BLM and woke liberals as the idiots that they are.  I was surprised...but pleased at this. Our feature today is 2024's "The Vampire and the Vigilante," directed by Rene Perez.

She's sultry...a siren!  A real, honest to goodness seductress.  Tori (Samantha Kruse)! Wow! She has great big...well, a great big smile, let's say. Her job is to lure men into the dwelling of a hideous vampire she calls Master (Tony Jackson). She does this well. Enter bounty hunter/hired killer Gabriel (Pare). He has captured a pedophile who is also a serial killer (Dominic Collantes). Okay, also enter the pure and good babe Natalie (Emily Whitcomb).  Her roomie accuses her of being a racist and for owning slaves.  The roomie's BLM boyfriend steals Natalie's money and knocks her out.  When Natalie wakes up, the two have left for a Kamala Harris rally, and Tori is there to capture her.  See, The Master has tasked Tori to bring him a pure woman who he can eat as she takes her clothes off.  I know what you are thinking, but this is not a remake of 1993's "Shadowlands."

Now Natalie wakes, after being knocked out by Tori, in the Master's lair.  He has her start doing a striptease and bites her. Shocked, Natalie runs and escapes.  She flees and finally ends up in a warehouse where Gabriel is torturing the pedophile fiend. Surprised to see a vampire (which Natalie is, now), he shoots her.  Natalie dies and comes back to life. Gabriel and Natalie are fascinated by one another even as the killer escapes.  Natalie needs blood and Gabriel seems amenable to getting her some.  That's enough of the plot.  You may see where this is going. 

Just how does Gabriel plan on feeding the sultry but toothy Natalie?  Any chance of feeding the two Kamala Harris voters to Natalie...after all, they did assault her and take her money?  Any chance of a wild catfight between the now vampire Natalie and the siren Tori?  This is such an enjoyable one and if you have seen any of the films that will be heralded at the Academy Awards show...you deserve to see "The Vampire and the Vigilante." 

Silent Bite, Christmas Vampires

Vampires on Christmas!  Bank Robbers on Christmas! Here's a nice Christmas present...the vampires are babes! One of them is even named Selene (Sienna Star) and she wears leather!  Terrific homage to "Underworld." Okay, so nothing new here...sure.  Then again do we always want something new.  Change can be catastrophic, just reflect back to Barack Obama...eek!  Tropes and predictability will not ruin this witty and satisfying vampire tale.  Today we look at 2024's "Silent Bite," directed by Taylor Martin.

Four bank robbers, three dressed as Santa and one as an elf, get away with a million dollars. On the run, they hole up in a seemingly empty hotel and resort. Father Christmas (Simon Phillips) leads the band which also includes Grinch (Nick Biskupek), Snowman (Michael Swatton), and our elf, the nerdy Prancer (Luke Avoledo). Prancer is there for computer technology. Uh oh...in another part of the hotel is the blonde babe Genie (Camille Blott).  Selene has her tied up and bites her, changing her into a vampire. Mother (Sayla de Goede) is upset that Selene jumped the gun. Two other vamps are also there, Victoria (Kelly Schwartz) and Lucia (Louisa Capulet). All babes! Mother informs the other vamps that the bank robbers are fair game...feel free to have sex with, bite, and drain the blood of the bank robbers.

Mother is not worried...vampires cannot be killed.  We all know this is not true, but do these robbers have any idea how to kill them?  Wait, Prancer, finds Genie all tied up.  Genie tells him of the vampires and that she herself is turning into one.  She begs Prancer to kill her...then Lucia attacks.  Uh oh...seems there is a way to kill vamps and Prancer may be onto what that is.  Prancer and Genie fall in love.  Father Christmas plots to get his men to safety and far away from the hotel and the vamps. Mother sets her sights on total destruction of the humans.  The other vamps will frolic, flirt, and...you'll see.

Will Prancer kill Genie before she turns or will Genie kill Prancer?  Will mother be able to save her daughter vamps from the unpredictable bank robbers?  Are Rudolph ands Scrooge in this one, too?  Fun and quirky...with a nice cheese factor, see "Silent Bite."