Kiss Me Monster, Euro-Babes and Sacrificial Cults

Okay, so picture this. The sultry Euro-Babe secret agent knocked out by another sultry babe, this one Asian. The Euro-Babe will be put in a cage, chained up and whipped by Asian babes as the leader of a lesbian virgin cult snickers on the sideline.  No, not a sequel to "La Dolce Vita," but the 1969 Jesus Franco film "Kiss Me Monster." Jesus Franco?  Picture a poor man's Jean Rollin.  Jean Rollin? Fine, we'll spell it out for you, Euro-Babes in danger, sometimes making out with each-other, often dying horribly, and nude a lot. Bring this one up at your next book club!  

Two sultry secret agent dames, twin sisters Diana (Janine Reynaud) and Regina (Rosanna Yanni) are hired by INTERPOL to find a missing genius and his secret formula. The dames go about their investigations by posing as an internationally renown stripper duo, The Red Lips. Now they hit an isle of Spain and begin snooping and performing. Their acts are quite...arousing. They'll meet an assortment of weirdos, many want to rape and kill them. During one of their striptease acts, Regina meets the missing scientist, but he is murdered before he can tell her anything. Now two cults are after them.  One dresses in red cloaks and black dunce cap type hoods. The other one, the aforementioned lesbian virgins, abduct and torture Regina. Oh! Some mad scientist has created hunk clones with the minds of dogs and these guys invade the cult, kill the virgins and abscond with their leader.   

Regina and Diana are together again and each has found out a lot of information. They'll be double-crossed but their seduction techniques get them out of a lot of hairy situations. The babes will frolic in bikinis, striptease costumes, and other playful garments as they are abducted, roughed up, and put in forms of bondage.  Fear not, their seduction abilities is the greatest weapon of all in this film.  Now it appears everyone they meet is an imposter, a double-crosser, or a weird cultist (just like the U.S. State Department).  Many of those peeps will die horribly, as our sultry sister duo get closer to solving a mystery that should never be solved.

Will Diana and Regina end up in a massive catfight with the virgin lesbian cult?  Will our sultry duo be chained up together and whipped by rival strippers?  Will these two Euro-Babes have any clothes on when they do solve the mystery?  Ha!  You thought there was nothing left on the streaming services that was of any interest to you!  See "Kiss Me Monster," and enjoy a playful Jesus Franco film with a lot of Euro-Babe seduction and violence.

Megalodon: The Frenzy, Sharks Eat the Navy

This is a sequel! Do you have to see the original to understand what goes on in this one? Heavens no, just read the 1880 Guy de Maupassant novel.  Do yourself a favor and read it in the original French. Just know in the first one, a big shark eats a lot of the U.S. Navy.  In the this one, the big fish goes through the U.S. Navy like the Yemeni Houthis do.  I also need to say it is wonderful to see Eric Roberts and Caroline Williams.  Our feature today, from The Asylum, is 2023's "Megalodon: The Frenzy," directed by Brendan Petrizzo.

A bunch of megalodons (big sharks) are eating along the California and Mexican coasts.  Eating? Yep, the U.S. Navy, surfers, babes walking on the beach, luxury yachts, and submarines. These things are getting to be 200 feet in length. Captain Sharp (Roberts) commanding the USS King is trying to destroy them.  His marines are getting eaten as the fish flies up and lands on the warship's deck.  Near Hawaii, Dr. Clark (Williams) is harnessing energy from a volcano.  A big breasted Ph.D. candidate, Kristy (Jessica Chancellor) arrives to help out.  Clark is her idol.  Other than her great big...smile, she will be of no use to Clark's team and research other than screwing up.  We still like her because of her...smile! The sharks begin attacking her undersea research laboratory and now they are able to capture one. 

More U.S. Navy ships get eaten...maybe the sharks are Yemeni. Dr. Clark has a plan.  As The USS King is running away, Clark calls them with her hair-brained idea.  Cpt. Sharp agrees to it and now turns his boat around to meet her in Hawaii.  He'll be of no help, just like a modern day U.S. Navy carrier group in the Mediterranean.  Kristy does what Kristy does best...well, maybe the thing she does second best...she screws up!  Now Williams has to cover for her.  Cpt. Sharp and the USS King do what the U.S. Navy does best...screw up.  Now the Houthis had closed down the Gulf and the sharks eat Mexico.  Still, Dr. Clark has spunk and damn if she will let some stupid skank scientist ruin all she has ever worked for.

Will the incompetent but nubile Kristy have a gratuitous shower scene in this film?  Will Cpt. Sharp have a Captain Ahab moment?  Will Dr. Clark beat the living snot out of the incompetent Kristy?  Fans of films from The Asylum will love this one.  Fans of Eric Roberts and Caroline Williams will love this one.  Fans of the Stanley Kubrick film "Paths of Glory" will love this film.  So go read the Guy de Maupassant novel, and watch "Megalodon: The Frenzy."

 

A Beginner's Guide to Snuff, Deviants Squaring Off

Hey!  Why not?  Let's not judge.  One man's deviance is another man's joy.  Okay, so making a snuff film may not be something you can bring up at parties...bur seriously, is it any more deviant and harmful as vaping, or book clubs, or even using betting apps on your smart phone? Besides, American young men may need a healthy outlet for the feminization they have to endure at colleges and universities.  Today we look at 2016's witty extreme horror film, "A Beginner's Guide to Snuff," directed by Mitchell Altieri.

Dresden (Joey Kern) and his younger brother Dominic (Luke Edwards) are trying to make it in Hollywood as film makers. Imagine this, it's not going well.  Dresden comes up with an idea.  A snuff film! Okay, in Dresden's defense, not that making a snuff film needs to be defended, his plans are to kidnap a babe and go through the motions. He believes if the babe thinks she is actually going to be tortured, raped, and murdered, her performance will be better. At least, that what he tells Dominic.  Hesitantly, Dominic agrees.  The boys do a casting call and select Jennifer (Bree Williamson). She's a babe and we like her.  The boys viciously kidnap her and bring her to a warehouse, display torture tools (including a chainsaw) to her, and begin filming. Dresden wears a BDSM mask and Dominic appropriately wears an Obama mask. 

Oh, Jennifer?  Eek. Yeah.  See, what the boys don't know is that she is a serial killer who cuts off the tally-whackers of her victims. The boys play with the torture tools and she laughs at them.  Still tied up, the babe threatens to murder them.  She mocks them. Dresden and Dominic are alarmed this is not going the way they had planned.  Locked in a warehouse, the duo figure they can keep trying scare tactics. Nope!  Jennifer gets loose, grabs some weapons, and goes on her own little hunt for two more tally-whackers.

What happens in the warehouse is gory and humorous.  We cheer for Jennifer because she is so pretty. Okay, she is a serial killer that likes to castrate, but don't we all have deviances we try to keep secret from others? So let us not be quick to judge. One woman is a reader of romances.  Another woman is may have an attraction to a fellow cheerleader. Another may be a serial killer eager to cut off tally-whackers. Let us try to be inclusive here!" For a witty and gruesome take on snuff and serial killers, see "A Beginner's Guide to Snuff."   

Fear in the Night, Are the Insane Really Insane?

Who determines who is insane?  Right!  The ones who are not currently in the cages determine that. This is why we have Biden in the Oval Office.  Look into his eyes and tell me he is not a total insaniac! However evil Biden is, can an insane person ever be right?  Can they ever be the good guy?  When not trying to bring about World War 3, the answer is yes. What happens if a group of insaniacs get together.  Scary thought, given Biden's cabinet.  However, are they always up to no good?  We have a Hammer film today starring Peter Cushing.  Today's feature is 1972's "Fear in the Night," directed by Jimmy Sangster.

She's lovely.  The perky blonde, Peggy (Judy Geeson). I guess she got a little too perky and ended up in an asylum with a "nervous breakdown." On her own accord, and against the recommendations of her shrink, she checks herself out, marries a dweeb, Robert (Ralph Bates), and moves to a cottage on the grounds of an all-boys school in rural England. Robert is a teacher there.  The duo arrive when the school has a break between terms and none of the students are there yet...or are they? Robert helps out on the grounds and seems to be the main assistant to Michael (Cushing), the headmaster. Michael has a wife, Molly (Joan Collins) who loves hunting and making Peggy feel inadequate and uneasy.  This is easy to do as Peggy is just out of an insane asylum. Peggy senses her husband has an attraction to the huntress Molly. Then one day, she voyages into the schoolhouse, hears children's' voices, and bumps into Michael.

Oh!  I should mention Peggy swears some man in black keeps sneaking into her house and trying to strangle her to death.  This evil guy has a prosthetic arm and the attacks end when Peggy pulls his arm off.  When Peggy wakes, there is no signs of the alleged attack.  Her husband believes she is going insane again. Now Peggy keeps hearing children laughing and learning in the empty schoolhouse.  What's worse, Michael seems to have a prurient interest in her.  Molly keeps doing things like bringing her dead rabbits and reminding Peggy she is too young for Robert. The attacks, or alleged attacks, continue. Peggy unravels. Michael seems more and more insane, Peggy brings the shotgun into the house. Now Peggy is aiming to murder her attacker.  She'll have that chance.

Is Peggy being attacked by a one-armed lunatic?  Is Peggy the lunatic? Will Molly and Peggy eventually resort to an erotic catfight?  The ending is a shocker and with any Hammer film, twists will abound.  You may be the sanest being in the world.  Your nemesis may be the craziest.  Still, you still may be the evil one.  For a neat ride into the insane, see "Fear in the Night." 

Killer Kate! Babes vs. Psychos

If you like a dry wit with your brutal horror, we have one for you today! This one has a terrific cheese factor as nubile blonde sisters are forced to go all-psycho against a family of psychos.  Even better, one of the deranged psychos is Tiffany Shepis.  This terrific actress has never turned in a subpar performance.  She'll have many weapons in this one and look good using them.  Our feature today is 2018's "Killer Kate!" directed by Elliot Feld.

Kate (Alexandra Feld) is an office worker with a dull life.  She's thinking about dating but first gets forced to attend her sister Angie's (Danielle Burgess) bachelorette weekend party.  Right!  The weekend will take place at an out of the way cabin in the wilderness with no cell reception.  Also coming into play is the psycho family that owns the B&B cabin. The patriarch is Briskman (Robert Donovan) and his deranged kids include Christine (Shepis), Jimmy (Grant Lyon), and Terry (Brandon Bales).  There is one of two more.  Now a quartet arrives, the blonde sisters with the grouchy but sultry redhead Mel (Abby Eiland) and Sara (Amaris Davidson).  As the girls get the party underway, bickering ensues.  Kate and Angie are estranged and have not seen one another in five years.

Then the family converges.  The psychos have a plan.  They have poisoned all the champagne and when the girls drink it, they will keel over dying.  When this happens, they will invade the house with blunt objects and bludgeon the lovelies to death.  Psychos aren't necessarily smart, and this family is not.  Of course, not all goes according to plan and now a war ensues.  The four lovelies versus the psychos.  Christine seems the smartest, but even she is too impulsive.  Kate emerges as quite the deranged killer herself determined to keep her sister alive for the wedding. Impalements, bludgeoning, hedge clippers, and firearms join the cast.

Will Kate and Angie bury the hatchet?  Will Christine prevail and gut the blondes and their friends?  Exactly why is this family doing what they do?  Bloody, a bit humorous, and unforgiving, "Killer Kate!" is a film that will serve well as a Friday night movie night feature.   

Devil Monster, Before There Was Jaws

Okay, the 1936 Mexican sea monster film "The Sea Fiend" probably wasn't anything to write home about. Not to worry! After some good old fashioned cultural appropriation, we may be in business. Only 2.1 stars out of 10 on IMDB, the updated American effort is still a lot of fun. In 1946 America added some Anglo characters, sultry nude island girls, more sultry nude island girls, and a new title, "Devil Monster." Directed (appropriated) by S. Edwin Graham, the new version may have given birth to Peter Benchley's novel, and Steven Spielberg's film, "Jaws." Watch the last 20 minutes of our film today and just try telling me that those two American's did not rip-off this one. 

Jose (Jack Del Rio) is missing. He went asea a year ago and never came home.  Louise (Blanche Mehaffey), who is either his sister or lover, won't marry her new beau, Robert (Barry Norton) unless the schmuck finds Jose. He buys this idiocy.  With his dad as captain, Robert and a crew set sail from Mexico southward. The mission, find Jose, bring him home, and marry Louise.  Jose?  We like Jose.  He is alive.  After he slays a sea monster, a tribe on an island takes him in.  The island girls are sultry, not like those National Geographic women.  The chief's daughter, Maya (Maya Owalee) is even engaged to him.  Yep, Louise is nice, but Maya has a proclivity to go topless and dances nicely.

Bad news for Jose.  Robert and his dad find him.  Jose does not want to go back.  Too bad...Robert thinks he will get under Louise's skirt if he brings Jose back so he and his dad Shanghai Jose.  Now Jose is headed back north.  Not so fast.  Remember that sea monster he killed?  Another one looms and attacks the boat. Now only Jose can save the crew and the boat.  What follows will be quite action packed and reminiscent of "Jaws."  A giant Manta Ray is hungry and humans are its favorite food.  A great battle at sea occurs and we can almost hear Leonard Graves ("Victory at Sea") narrate. 

Will Louise be true to her word and marry Robert if he brings Jose back?  Will Robert get smart and feed Jose to the devil monster before returning home?  Did the makers of this film consider a mechanical Manta Ray when they made this film?  Fun, in an MST3K sort of way, "Devil Monster" is a film the Mexican people are probably not upset that the Americans culturally appropriated. For sultry nude island women and vicious rays, see "Devil Monster."  

Naked You Die, Nubiles in Peril

Giallo!  Euro-Trash!  You know what this means! Naked babes in peril and many dying horribly. Didn't both Poe and Argento claim that if you had a sultry babe, what else are you gonna do but murder her? So in this one, the nubiles are not quite 18 and all students at an all girls exclusive boarding school. Yes, there will be a shower room at the end of the hall which will receive much time in the plot lines of this film. Hunk teachers.  Weirdo groundskeepers.  Weirdo spinster teachers.  Sultry students, sometimes in the form of corpses.  Today we look at 1968's "Naked You Die" from Italy, and directed by Antonio Margheriti.

As the film opens, a sultry redhead strips naked and gets in a bathtub.  Does this have anything to do with the rest of the film? Who cares? Well a mysterious figure in all black sneaks into the bathroom and drowns the babe as she kicks and flails.  Who is this babe?  You'll eventually find out. Oh!  The killer puts her in a trunk and mails her to the boarding school. Why?  You'll see...eventually. New teachers arriving at the school include the hunk Richard (Mark Damon). He loves trysts with the students. The spinster Mrs. Clay (Betty Low), and a few others. Richard teaches equestrian and sexual practices. He'll have great passion with babe student Lucille (Eleonora Brown).  Other students include Jill (Sally Smith)...she's our favorite.  She will get off on playing detective as soon as the murders starts. Sadly, the babe Betty Anne (Caterina Trentini) will be the first one strangled.  Cynthia (Malisa Longo) will be second.  Many others will follow.

Suspects? Everyone.  La Foret (Luciano Pigozzi) is an obvious suspect. He's the weird gardner that plays with a sickle and spies on the gals when they shower.  Too easy?  Perhaps. Richard is one, as well. He seems to be very fond of the still minor Lucille...but why?  Let me guess...she's mature for her age? Uh oh...it is apparent that Lucille may be the intended victim and the two aforementioned victims may have been mistaken for her.  Why would anyone want to kill Lucille?  You'll see.  The cops have been called and are questioning everyone...the killings keep occurring...as do gratuitous scenes from the shower room at the end of the hall. Now Lucille fears for her life and seeks Richard's help.  Richard may or may not be the killer but one asks why a hunk teacher would be interested in Lucille. Okay, Lucille is quite the babe and probably doesn't talk back when corrected.  Who knows?

Will Lucille survive until the end credits?  Will the nubile Jill, the junior detective, solve the case before the police?  Will two students at a time end up in any of the shower stalls together at the end of the hall?  A Giallo film with a lot of Euro-Trash cheesecake...just too good!  For a prurient good time, see "Naked You Die."    

Deep Sea Mutant Snake, Hot Chinese Babes in Snake-Peril

Hot Chinese babes in bikinis or evening gowns being eaten by snakes! No, not figuratively. Okay, so this is what we have in the first five minutes of this film. One Chinese henchwoman/ bodyguard/ assassin/ monster-killer in tight leather shorts and shiny black boots, and her partner, another hot Chinese henchwoman/bodyguard/assassin/monster-killer in stilettos and a slinky evening gown battling monster snakes...millions of them. The babes are skilled at murder and martial arts and have guns and knives.  Alas, they will put up a heroic effort before being conquered by the king snake...no, not figuratively, get your mind out of the gutter.  Today we look at 2022's "Deep Sea Mutant Snake," directed by Wu Yang.  Oh, yes, this one is from China.  Did I mention the two babe henchwomen?  I did?  Good.

Ren Junyi's (Waise Lee) evil corporation is making a cure for a deadly disease he has. To do this the billionaire pharmaceutical CEO has an island where experiments on snakes is occurring.  The experiments get out of hand and millions of monster snakes murder everyone on the island, including Junyi's two babe henchwomen.  So sad. Now hunk Qin (Yisin Zhao) is headed to the island to gather evidence of what this evil corporation has done. His fiancé was murdered by them, she was an investigative reporter. He teams up with the sultry Feng Li (Jiayi Lee) who is the new investigative reporter on the story. They are on a Carnival cruise ship that gets too close to the island and now is invaded by millions of monster snakes. So sad, many Chinese bikini babes will die horribly...and so will their boyfriends and sugar daddies. Now Qin and Feng, with a few survivors including the babe Su Ji (Yanxi Jiang) battle millions of snakes on the ship.

Qin will blow up the cruise ship and the castaways make it to a nearby island. Right!  The island where it all began. Immediately they will all battle monsters. Barnacle monsters, spiders as big as skyscrapers, and massive monster snakes. Feng Li and Qin lead the castaways to the ruins of the pharmaceutical lab where the outbreak began.  The duo are looking for proof so the entire corporation can be prosecuted.  They'll have to battle monster snakes on the way. The duo will also fall in love.  Special mention for Su Ji...she'll convert from a sultry party babe on the cruise ship to a top-notch commando babe on the island. That's a woman!

Will Feng Li be introduced to Qin's snake before the end of the film?  I apologize for putting that question the way I did.  Will the monster snakes allow our team of castaways to get off the island alive?  Does Qin have a plan to destroy the creatures after finding the evidence he seeks?  The Asian cheesecake factor is at a maximum in this film. For a great monster movie with an extreme slither factor, see the Chinese film "Deep Sea Mutant Snake."