The Amityville Terror, The Best Amityville Film Ever

Wow!  I was not expecting this!  Catfights to the death! A babe with a crossbow! A succubus-type babe with fire coming out of her eyes! Sultry teenage skanks dying horribly!  Babe sister seducing hunk brother! The taboo!  Gratuitous prurient situations! A mega-death count!  The crossbow babe racing through Amityville with a dirt bike! Oh!  A dominatrix realtor who has deviant sex in kitchens or anywhere else...who is also a demon corruptor!  This might be one of the best films ever.  Our feature today is 2016's "The Amityville Terror," directed by Michael Angelo.

Delilah!  Wow.  If Richard Attenborough had put this character in his 1993 film "Shadowlands," people would have wanted to see it. Delilah (Tonya Kay) looking like a sex-craved dominatrix rents the Amityville house to the unstable babe Shae (Amanda Barton). The artist, Shae, invites her brother Todd (Kaiwi Lyman) and his babe wife, Jessica (Kim Nielsen) to move in with her. Of course, their babe teenage daughter, Hailey (Nicole Tompkins) comes, too.  Hailey is always equipped with a crossbow and dirt bike. It is, after all, Amityville. Strangeness occurs. A gory acid bath (very painful), taboo seduction, and a hot Asian gal ejected out the window. Let us talk about the hot Asian gal...Jenny (Lai Ling). She'll try to help protect the crossbow wielding teen, but she'll only get shot out of Hailey's bedroom window just like a cannonball shot out of a cannon.  Her death will be sad...and gory. Happens.

Okay, Delilah has sex with some stooge on a kitchen counter. Relevant to the plot? If you have to ask. Hailey gets a sweet boyfriend, Brett (Trevor Stines). He'll lose his head over Hailey...literally. Jessica, who has great big...er...well...a great big...smile...will lose a bloody battle with the rose garden. Shae will shed all her clothes and become a major league seductress, seeking to corrupt her brother, Todd. Todd, an idiot tries to figure out why Jessica won't have sex with him. Then there is the teenage babe Theresa (Christy St. John). She wants to murder Hailey because the crossbow wielding seductress stole her BF. Oh, ghosts and demons...yeah, yeah...them, too. Okay...there is actually a plot.  Not a bad one, but it is spliced heavily with gratuitous nudity, gratuitous gore, gratuitous allure, and so many graphic kills.

Is this the story Jay Anson wanted to tell but couldn't because he never took a creative writing course? Why don't we have more movies with babe protagonists who wield crossbows and travel around town on dirt bikes?  Why don't we have more succubus/demon/slut real estate agents who...wait...I'm being told we do...never mind.  Do yourself a favor and see one of the best films ever made, and don't fall into the trap by comparing it to 1993's  "Shadowlands," "The Amityville Terror." 

Horrors of the Black Museum, Mad Man Shreds Babes

Ah, the nubile and delightful Dorinda Stevens.  A babe actress who in 1959 portrayed the unfortunate Gail Dunlop.  Remember her?  Sure you do.  When "Horrors of the Black Museum" hit U.S. drive-ins in the 70s, everyone was talking about her horrific demise.  Alas, she was the first of many babes to die horribly in this film.  As misogynistic as the Clintons, "Horrors of the Black Museum" states the misogynistic viewpoint even better than Clinton's lawyers.  Today we look at 1959's "Horrors of the Black Museum," directed by Arthur Crabtree.

Do police agencies actually have so-called black museums filled with the tools of deranged killers? Not advertised, but yes they do...not all, but I've been in one or two.  In our film Scotland Yard has one...a lame one according to true-crime best-selling author Edmond Bancroft (Michael Gough).  So unimpressed by Scotland Yard's effort, he creates his own.  Tools of gruesome murders of beautiful dames grace the museum. How does he get them?  He commits the murders.  The film opens with Gail unboxing a mysterious gift.  She has received a supposed pair of binoculars from, whom she believes, a secret admirer.  When she puts the spy glasses up to her eyes, two spikes shoot through her orbs and into her brain.  Alas, the lovely Gail Dunlop is no more.

Edmond visits the Scotland Yard detectives and taunts them for not being able to solve the cases.  This writer is above suspicion as he appears to be crippled.  He'll strike again and even steal the head of the sultry Joan (June Cunningham) from one scene.  Edmond is on the prowl for more weapons that can inflict gory deaths on babes.  He keeps finding them.  He's smart.  Eye witnesses are fooled and only serve to throw off the police investigation.  Uh oh...Edmond has a laboratory attached to his basement museum.  It's a great laboratory complete with a big vat of acid to get rid of bodies.  Uh oh...his trusty assistant Rick (Graham Curnow) has a new GF, Angela (Shirley Anne Field).  Rick is so taken by Angela's beauty, his lips become very loose.  Edmond will not tolerate loose lips.

How has Edmond become such a misogynist?  Will the nubile Angela survive to the end credits?  Is this film, which taunts the police, the forerunner of the 'defund the police' movement here in America?  Gory and horrific, the cheese in this film will be annihilated in so many imaginative and bloody ways.  For some nice English horror, see "Horrors of the Black Museum."      

Ring Ring, Telemarketer Carnage

Idiots!  Telemarketers!  The bane of our existence, at times.  Wait...I need to renew my auto warranty.  Okay, I'm back. What happens when telemarketers behave badly and do stupid things?  Well, the answer is told to us in our film today.  It'll be a gory mess, actually. I do have to admit, our telemarketer protagonists are likable, if not stupid.  We do pull for them.  Nail guns, captivity, and burnt frozen pizzas be damned, our feature today is 2019's "Ring Ring," directed by Adam Marino.

Okay, the Incredible Hulk lays off his staff at the phone bank for telemarketers.  No, really.  Lou Ferrigno lays them all off and reminds someone that they would not like him when he's angry.  Amber (Kirby Bliss Blanton) and Will (Malcolm Goodwin) can't afford to lose their jobs.  Uh oh...Will has a plan.  Steal the company's phone lists, and go into business for himself. Amber buys off on this idea and the duo steal the client lists. After Will is seduced by redheaded babe, Amanda (Emily Tyra), he loses his phone, which has all the lists on it.  Now Amber and him have to retrace his steps and find it.  An app is activated and the duo call for a ride from an Uber type service.  The ride arrives and is driven by junkie, maniac, serial killer Jacob (Tommy Kijas)...who coincidentally has their phone.

Let's not dwell on coincidence. Now Jacob has Will and Amber locked in the basement of his big old house. Actually it is his mom's house.  She is dead and in the freezer while he lives off her social security checks. Now Will and Amber try to escape.  Jacob is armed with a nail gun.  Amber tries yelling at Jacob, reasoning with him, and seducing him.  Strung out on heroin, Jacob is non-responsive to Amber's sex appeal.  As the film progresses, Jacob realizes he has to murder his two captives and also gets more wasted.

Do Amber and Will have a shot at escape?  Is Jacob's auto-warranty still current or does it need to be renewed?  Do all telemarketers deserve a similar fate?  This is a good one.  Mr. Marino gives us two protagonists who we should despise...but we like them.  Will and Amber come across as cute and naive, though stupid and cunning, too.  See "Ring Ring" and think twice about yelling profanity at the next guy trying to extend your auto-warranty.

Psychopaths, RIP David Lynch

Earlier this month the great movie maker David Lynch died.  I know him from "Eraserhead," "Twin Peaks," and "Blue Velvet." The movies and shows were weird.  If you like weird...you liked David Lynch. I don't know if I believe him when he insisted "Erasherhead" was not about anything. But...a good storyteller should never feel obligated to explain his story.  Today we have a vicious film, not by Mr. Lynch, but definitely in his style.  2017's "Psychopaths," directed by Mickey Keating is our blood soaked offering in this blog entry.

Okay, so here it is. Some mass killer named Starkweather (Larry Fessenden) is offed in the electric chair as the film begins. Just before the switch was pulled, he yelled that he would be back and his death would not get rid of him. True enough. The night of his execution his spirit appears to possess some weird people in the town. You will find out later that some of these peeps may have already been as evil as Starkweather. A few of the notables are an apparent nightclub singer, Alice (Ashley Bell). From stage to a home invasion. She'll gut a beautiful wife (Ivana Shein) and then you won't believe what she will do to the husband of the now corpse. Actually, if you read this blog...you won't be shocked. Then we have Blondie. When one of the people possessed by Starkweather, a serial killer himself, stops for Blondie (Angela Trimbur), a whore...she kills him.

Okay, Blondie is now mechanized for murder and torture and this is exactly what she will do.  With a briefcase filled with syringes with paralyzing agents, surgical saws and clippers, and long needles, she raids some schmuck's house and takes him apart.  Oh, there is the masked killer (Samuel Zimmerman). He'll show up at a nightclub, blow away several whores and dancers, then be murdered...or, well, you'll see.  A cop (Jeremy Gardner) is responding to this night of terror . Don't feel comforted by this creep...he's more evil than the killers in this film.  Where did these killer come from? Watch closely and find out.

The gore and ominous torture scenes will cause you to turn your head.  The style and retro feel of the movie will remind you of "Blue Velvet."  The more beautiful the actress in this film, the deadlier they are.  The hunks that love them...well, they won't fare any better.  Vicious, stylish, and ominous...for a David Lynch style film, see "Psychopaths." 

Abducted: Kidnapped and Brutalized, Is Rehabilitation Possible

If one commits unspeakable evil in his youth, can he be rehabilitated?  A college boy rapes a sorority girl at the age of 18...can he eventually grow into a fine upstanding member of society?  Can a serial killer change his stripes?  If so, would you hire him?  Let him work with the youth in your church? Partner with him in starting a tech company?  Me neither.  Well, today we have a story much worse than what I have just suggested.  Much! Our film today is 2011's "Abducted: Kidnapped and Brutalized" (originally "Victims"), directed by David Bryant.

Horrific!  A sweet four year old girl is abducted by an 11 year old boy.  The boy will rape, torture, and murder the little lass as she calls out for her daddy.  Fast forward 20 years...that 11 year old boy is an adult and this is his wedding day.  He has a new name, new identity, and is an upstanding member of society.  Christopher is no longer Neil (John Bocelli). No one knows of his past.  The shrinks worked hard on him and have pronounced him cured.  Is he?  His fiancé, Abby (Nina Mullins) knows nothing of the little 11 year old boy...only the adult version. Alas, not everyone is in the dark. On Neil's way to the church he is grabbed by masked men and shoved into a van and pummeled.  Neil is kidnapped...but by who?

The kidnappers know what Neil did 20 years ago...and they want real justice.  The kidnappers (Sarah Coyle, Andy Cresswell, David Bryant, and Richard Styles) try to force him into confessing his true identity and his crimes.  Neil is resolute that he is now Christopher and does not know what his accusers are talking about. Alas, the kidnappers have more in mind than just vigilante justice.  See, they also kidnapped Abby.  In her wedding  gown, Abby will hear the charges.  Uh oh...Abby is shocked but may believe them.  Now Abby asks her fiancé if he is the murderer/rapist of the little girl.  Uh oh again, the kidnappers have brought in some more "witnesses" and they have an axe to grind, to say the least. 

If Christopher is Neil, can't we believe he is rehabilitated?  What if Christopher is not the fiend from 20 years ago? Does a rehabilitated Neil, or an innocent Christopher have a prayer of seeing it to the end credits? Not the feel good film of the 21st century, but it does pose important questions.  Are some crimes just too heinous to be forgiven?  See "Abducted: Kidnapped and Brutalized" and evaluate your position on forgiveness and grace. 

Psychotic! New York City Morons Shredded

So, as someone who despises New York, I bring you a blog entry of a film set in the Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn.  Not familiar with Bushwick, after seeing this film I am left to assume everyone in Bushwick is a moron.  Entitled, narcissistic, pot-headed, with no musical talent. There is good news.  Most of the population of Bushwick will die horribly in this very brutal slasher film.  Any dame, that is attractive, will not fare well, as will their dweeb boyfriends.  Our feature today is "Psychotic!" directed by Maxwell Frey and Derek Gibbons.

Pretty Shannon will get her throat slit as she throws her BF Bill (Adam Maid) a surprise birthday party. Bill is quite upset, but no one else can stop thinking about themselves long enough to also feel bad. There is a band that seems to be the center of this social interaction.  The Mass Psychosis band headed by Stuart (Gibbons) and Tim (Frey). The duo cannot sing and their band members throw them out of the band. The cast-off duo quarrel and end their friendship. The masked slasher keeps striking at the circle of friends murdering a few more babes and a hunk. Throats are slashed, or guts are cut out. Even a broken bong is used as a weapon in this.  Enter Roxy (Kristen Martin)...we like her a lot. She's sultry and mysterious and has what it takes to be the final girl...or, dare we say...no, let's not.

Tim seems to unwind and becomes a Peeping Tom. Uh oh...he just so happens to be spying on babes, as they are undressing or being eaten by their boyfriends, as the killer intrudes and slashes them. Now a witness thinks Tim is the killer. Roxy befriends a strung out and depressed Stuart.  She's supportive, fun, and a little too mysterious. The slasher keeps striking.  Drumsticks to the neck and glass shards are two new weapons for the killer.  Roxy emerges as a gal with a problem and Stuart is there for her.  Bad musicians and their girlfriends will continue to die horribly.  Roxy will get more mysterious, and Tim will unwind even more.  Confused?  This film is psychotic, in name and style...but very bloody.  

Is everyone in Bushwick a narcissistic, psychotic moron?  I'm guessing the answer to this is...YES!!! Is Roxy too pretty to die...or murder?  Just how much can Tim unwind and is the fact that he's a Peeping Tom pervert mean he is a bad guy?  This is a good one and the allure factor is only topped by the gore factor.  See "Psychotic!" and enjoy a vicious slasher film with a high death count.  

Psycho Beach Party, Amy Adams in a Vicious Dancing Catfight

Amy Adams!?  Yes, that Amy Adams.  In a vicious catfight?  Yep...er, sort of.  But...yes. The dance-off between her and the sultry blonde Kimberly Davies at the beach luau will be unforgettable and filled with malicious intent.  One of those babes will emerge victorious. The dance-off/catfight will send you to the showers. Our feature today is a 2000 spoof of a 1950s beach/horror/surfer film.  We now look at "Psycho Beach Party," directed by Robert Lee King.

Florence (Lauren Ambrose), the perky redheaded 16 year old wants boys to be interested in her.  Now, only her bestie, Berdine (Danni Wheeler) wants to get in her pants. Desperate for boys, Florence tries to steal surfer dudes from her stuck up rival, Marvel Ann (Adams). Marvel Ann in the pink bikini will not have to worry about losing any man...to anyone...yet. Oh, Florence becomes Ann Bowman.  Ann Bowman?  Yep, Florence is schizophrenic and adopts many other personalities.  Ann is a femme fatale character right out of film noir films...and guys dig her.  The surfer king, Kanaka (Thomas Gibson) is hot for Ann but not for Florence.  Uh oh...Ann may be a psycho killer. She'll apparently slit the throat of a babe in a car at the drive-in. Then she'll take apart surfer Junior (Buddy Quaid) in the surf. Then...well, let us just say she decapitates, or slashes, or guts many a surfer dude or bikini chick.

Wait!  I haven't mentioned B movie, horror scream queen Bettina Barnes (Davies). She's sultry and befriends Florence, the surfer dudes, and bikini chicks.  She'll get into that dance-off/catfight with Marvel Ann and seduce all others. Then there is Florence's nymphomaniac mother (Beth Broderick) who keeps trying to seduce their Swedish exchange student, Lars (Matt Keeslar). Oh, one more, the sultry slut in the wheelchair, the grouchy and insulting Rhonda (Kathleen Robertson). All suspects and you will see why. As bodies get cut up, and chicks wriggle and jiggle to try to hook surfer dudes, Florence wrestles with her multiple personalities and may be the one murdering the beautiful.

Is Florence, or Ann, the psycho-killer?  Will the sultry mom of Florence succeed in seducing Lars? Will Bettina Barnes use all this drama as an inspiration for her next film role? This one is a lot of fun and the cheese and beef factors are off the charts.  See babes wriggle and jiggle.  See hunks flex their abs and grunt.  See severed limbs, innards ripped out, and heads decapitated.  For some fun, watch "Psycho Beach Party."