Summerhouse Slaughter, Cheerleaders Melted

Whether impaled, shot, or thrown from tall buildings, there is something that has us all cheering when cheerleaders get murdered...in film. Maybe they remind us of the gals who would never date us.  Or the gals who always got the boy you wanted.  Ditzy, blonde, tanned, and perfect.  None of us have been graced with perfect looks.  Besides, what would so many slashers do without these babes?  In today's feature, the beauties will get melted in an inspiring opening scene. Our film today is 2023's "Summerhouse Slaughter," directed by Dustin Ferguson. 

Six sultry high school cheerleaders running through their routine at a summer cheer camp are melted when the sprinkler is turned on and acid splashed on them instead of water.  Their skin will melt off their bones and their faces will drip down into their cleavage.  A horrible mistake?  Murder?  The next year, cheerleader coach, Ms. Paddington (Jennifer Banko) brings six more high school lovelies to this same camp. Courtney (Jazmyne Van Houten) is constantly ragging on Tanya (Julia Farrell). Courtney is upset that Tanya has been allowed in this camp despite coming from a poor family. Courtney has plans for Tanya which include a giant panda and a bear trap...don't ask, just go with it. Well, when the panda gets killed, the fiend dresses up as a panda and starts stalking the cheerleaders. You gotta like gritty reality.

One by one the gals die in some really unique ways. The panda has a javelin and impales the lovelies in some very private places.  No babe is safe in the bath tub, and gratuitous baths will be interrupted. Tanya emerges as a potential final girl and as the film progresses we think she may indeed be the killer.  Courtney, the b@#$h, gets meaner and we sense her demise will be quite prolonged and bloody.  We like the gals...well, maybe not...and cringe when they are murdered in such fiendish ways.

Will this cheerleading squad be massacred off completely just like last year's squad at this camp?  Is the killer one of the cheerleaders or some creepy caretaker (Ari Lehman)?  There are references in this movie to Cropsy in "The Burning."  Will any of these cheerleaders be deemed too beautiful to die or will this film follow the Giallo principles?  See "Summerhouse Slaughter" and do your own cheering.  

Naked After Midnight, Unrest in the Exotic Dancer Community

I know what you are asking.  You see Christine Nguyen and Erika Jordan both play strippers in this one and are wondering if this is just a gratuitous exploitation film, heavy on the T&A, with no redeemable cinematic value other than dirty stripping and maybe a semblance of a simple plot that will be ignored?  Oh, come on.  Do you think I would stoop this low and highlight a stripper-exploitation film on my blog? Well, I prefer to call it an exotic dancer exploitation film.  Of course, the answer is yes.  Yeah, yeah...there will be a ghost that pops up as often as the tally-whackers of the strip clubs customers. And yes, it is more sophisticated than those "Star Wars" films.  So enjoy my review of the 2014 Fred Olen Ray film "Naked After Midnight." Who would you rather look at, Carrie Fisher (gag me with a spoon) or Christine Nguyen and Erika Jordan?

Okay, Duffy (Jeneta St. Clair) performs at the Candy Cat strip joint and some psycho follows her into the back alley and blows her away. One stripper down, but not the last. Her murder is lead story on the evening news as reported by babe anchorwoman Constance (Catherine Annette).  Uh oh, Constance breaks down during the story as Duffy was her sister. The too helpful producer John (Tim Abell) is understanding and convinces Constance to take a few days off. Tim is in love with Constance but she is not in love with him. Constance has an idea...a bad one. Go into the Candy Cat and get a job as a stripper and find her sister's murderer.  Club manager Rikki (Tawny Kitaen) hires her and introduces her to the other dancers. Other dancers? There is Zoey (Nguyen) who is very nice. There is Tina (Jordan) who is a b$#@h.  There are a few others and you will see them all perform, a lot.

Uh oh...more murders.  Some of the seedy customers who are also suspects buy the farm.  Even one or two of the lovely strippers bite the dust.  Uh oh, again.  We find out more about the dead Duffy who keeps showing up to haunt Constance.  Duffy tells Constance to help her. Hey!  It's Richard Grieco as Constance's shrink.  Constance has a shrink? For what? More stripping. Zoey gives us a good number and so does Tina and a few more.  These actresses have apparently done this all before.  Uh oh...the last 20 minutes of this film turn this exploitation idiocy into a creepy ghost and murder mystery. Surprises abound and Zoey and Erika keep dancing.  Plot devices are added making this film a twisted but effective story of...well, you'll see.

Will Zoey and Tina end up in a catfight or is that asking just too much?  Will Constance catch her sister's killer before she herself is offed?  What does Richard Grieco know about our anchorwoman turned stripper that we would like to know? This one has a lot of cheesecake and better acting than "Star Wars."  For some surprising thrills and prurient entertainment, see "Naked After Midnight."  

Shark Night 3D, Bikini Babe vs. Sharks and Rednecks

Sara Paxton in a bikini is just what a predictable shark film needs.  She'll spend the entire film in the bikini thrusting her chest and pelvis and dripping wet in either sweat or swamp water.  Sure this film has twists, but you horror enthusiasts will see them coming from a mile away.  There will be hunks and babes who will serve no other purpose than to be shark food.  Sara Paxton, however, she'll wear that bikini so well, we'll pull for her very unsympathetic character to survive.  Today we look at 2011's "Shark Night 3D," directed by David R. Ellis.

Some Tulane University students are going on a long weekend to Sara's parents vacation home in the bayou.  I know, go to Gulf Shores or Destin, instead.  No...these idiots voyage into an island oasis in the swamp.  Uh oh...Sara's ex-boyfriend Dennis (Chris Carmack) is still living in the swamp and is not happy to see Sara is sweet on college boy Nick (Dustin Milligan).  Also along is the sultry Beth (Katharine McPhee) who gives us some nice strip scenes and bikini scenes.  Her cleavage is key in this plot... really! Okay, the kids begin having fun.  Sara sunbathes in that bikini while the rest of them go waterskiing.  The sharks eat throw-away babe Maya (Alyssa Diaz) and bite her BF's, Malik (Sinqua Walls), arm off. Now Sara and Dennis try to get Malik trauma help as he bleeds out.  Here comes Dennis and fellow redneck Red (Joshua Leonard).  They are too helpful and have dastardly deeds planned for Sara and friends.

Okay, Dennis and Red do all sorts of awful stuff to Beth after making her strip.  She'll be humiliated by these two brutes and fed to eel like sharks.  So sad, but while she lasted, Katharine McPhee was some nice eye candy.  Soon Sara, her new BF Nick, the dying Malik, and Blake (Chris Zylka) realize the shark, or sharks, are the least of their problems.  Red and Dennis prove to be lunatics with shark fetishes and this won't bode well for the bikini babe and her surviving friends.

Will Sara the bikini babe survive the sharks and her old boyfriend?  Did the makers of this film goof badly by feeding Katharine McPhee to the sharks when a good bikini catfight could have occurred between her and Sara?  Does a dripping wet and thrusting bikini role for Sara Paxton count as her magnum opus?  Stupid, gratuitous, and flowing with blood, cheese and beef, "Shark Night 3D" is a fun summertime movie. 

Terror Aboard, Homicide on the High Seas

We have one from 1933 today!  This is one with an extremely large death count as so many of the characters will be murdered on screen in so many different ways by one lone psycho.  We also have one of the earliest shark attacks ever put on the silver screen.  A nubile blonde in great peril, always a good thing in these films.  A square jawed, though not too adept, potential hero.  They'll die faster than you can count in this one, so put your life vest on and enjoy "Terror Aboard," directed by Paul Sloane.

As the film begins the seemingly derelict luxury yacht Dulcina is spotted in the south seas.  What happened?  No one on board is alive, the life boats are gone, and a couple of corpses of schmucks who died very mysteriously are found on board.  One blonde babe (Verree Teasdale) is found on deck frozen to death in 100 degree weather. So here is what the flashbacks tell us.  The owner of the boat, Max Kreig (John Halliday) receives a telegram.  Because of his bank fraud, he has been indicted for larceny and will be arrested at next port, Sydney, Australia.  Max keeps the matter secret but murders the ship's telegraph operator, as he knows of the message.  Max loves the sultry blonde Lili (Shirley Grey) and will marry her in Sydney.  Lili loves someone else, but her love, James (Neil Hamilton) is not on the yacht...yet.

Max has an idea.  Murder everyone on board, escape to an uninhabited island with Lili, and evade prosecution.  Now he must go about murdering everyone.  He sews seeds of suspicion on other officers on board.  Blackie (Charles Ruggles) as the steward has an apparent comedic role, but when Max murders his girlfriend, the chambermaid Lena (Leila Bennett), he teams up with James to protect Lili.  Yep, James has arrived.  Finding out Max has stolen his love, James crashes his airplane into the drink to be rescued by the doomed yacht.  Now James can protect Lili and it won't be long before he, Lili, and Blackie know Max is total psycho.  Max is now an experienced killer and he gets mighty good at it.

Do James, Lili, and Blackie have a shot at surviving the wrath of Max?  Will anyone else survive, or will Max wipe out all the rest of the passengers and crew...which would make this the bloodiest movie of all time?  What does a man-eating shark have to say about all this?  For an extremely clever film with a lot of imaginative death scenes, and a babe blonde in peril, see "Terror Aboard." 

Intruders, Agoraphobic Horror

Sure she's blonde and attractive.  Helpless, nubile, half-crazy, and vulnerable.  Then add men to the mix.  Men!  Brutes!  Misogynists!  Those awful grunting would-be hunks.  Can a beautiful and vulnerable blonde survive this recipe?  Even worse, our babe is agoraphobic...leaving her house is not an option.  She's that vulnerable!  Our feature today is 2015's "Intruders," directed by Adam Schindler.

Anna (Beth Riesgraf) is our aforementioned babe agoraphobic. Something buried deep in her past has gave her this psychological disorder.  As the film begins she is tending to her cancer-ridden brother (Timothy McKinney)...but he'll die.  Now Anna is alone and unable to exit her front door.  A kindly milquetoast delivery guy, Dan (Rory Culkin) brings her her meals and cheers her up everyday. Uh oh, the day of the funeral arrives, and Anna gets all dolled up in black.  Yep...you guessed it.  She's too afraid to actually leave the house to attend her brother's funeral.  Three brutes, who read obituaries, figure Anna's house will be vacant and show up.  They break in to rob the place and find Anna.  JP (Jack Kesy), his brother Vance (Joshua Mikela), and the pure psycho Perry (Martin Starr) soon find Anna, beat her up, duct tape her, and try to get her to tell them where all the money is.  They also figure out she is agoraphobic.

Now Nora figures these three baddies do not plan to let her live.  They use one another's names and do not wear masks.  Nora gets free from her binds and the chase throughout the house in on again.  Uh oh!  Anna is hardly who the three brutes figured she was.  Now the three brutes are on the run and they are not faring well.  Anna has secrets and so does the house.  The real reason why Anna is agoraphobic is revealed and it is horrific.  It may also spell the doom for these three intruders.  Gore, torture, rape, blood, and depraved motives rule the second half of this film.  Not the feel good film of 2015, but still a brutal horror yarn.

Are all blonde babes in reality closet psychos?  Will we still be cheering for the nubile Anna even after she turns predator?  Is there hope that whatever Anna has planned for the three intruders, will cure her of her agoraphobia?  This is a good one and quite ominous at times.  Who is a good guy and who is a monster is separated by a blurred line in this film.  See "Intruders" and rethink who the real villains are in our society.      

Tormented, The Slut vs. The Pigs

Slut? Is she really a slut? I know, it is a relative term. The whole high school and community thinks she is one. Let us not be too judgmental. After all, can't a slut be a hero? Can't a slut be a good guy in the battle against evil forces? Aren't sluts useful at times? I agree...this isn't a productive discussion, so let us dive into today's film, 2014's "Tormented" (aka "Berkshire County").

Pretty redhead Kylie (Alysa King) is pressured into giving her BF Marcus (Aaron Chartrand) oral sex at a Halloween party. Dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, she stays down on him for quite a while while he pulls out his phone and films it all. He will post the video for all to see and Kylie will be the last to know she is America's newest porn star. Totally shamed she arrives at a secluded mansion to tend to two crumb crunchers, Phoebe (Madison Ferguson) and Sam (Christophe Gallander). Their mom calls Kylie a slut and then heads to a party. Kylie isn't the warmest of babysitters but she will get a chance at heroics when three fiends clad in pig masks descend upon the mansion and cut the phone lines.

Now the three pigs led by Swine (Bart Rochon) inflict terror and break into the house. Kylie will put up a great fight but the two kids will be abducted and put in the back of their truck. What else is in the truck? You'll see. Now Kylie plays cat-and-mouse with her three tormentors and she has manned-up. A horrific aspect to this story is one of the pigs is a child (Leo Pady)...and he is also a homicidal maniac. The cops are useless, you'll see, and our three maniacs are a bit more sophisticated than they initially let on. Now Kylie turns into an assassin but her tormentors are ready.

Will Kylie save the two children in her care? Who are these pig tormentors and what do they want with Kylie and the children? Can a teenage girl be a slut and a bad-a** hero? Warning, the ending will be shocking and gory. Whatever mistakes Kylie has made at a drunken Halloween party, she has a chance at redemption...if she survives. Directed by Audrey Cummings, "Tormented" will shock your sensibilities and delve into some taboo.

The Return of Dracula, Vampire Hits California

Bringing Dracula, or a Dracula-like figure to the States is not an uncommon theme.  We all remember "Count Yorga, Vampire" or the "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" TV show. Today we have one of the earliest attempts at this.  Say what you want about today's feature but the Mina-like character is a true babe, and we like her. Unlike Wynona Ryder in the Francis Ford Coppola effort, Norma Eberhardt is a real actress and we like her.  Unlike Ms. Ryder, Ms. Eberhardt looks like someone we'd want to date and would not yell at us for every little thing we do. Just saying..  Today we look at 1958's "The Return of Dracula," directed by Paul Landres. 

The posse is on his tale so Dracula (Francis Lederer) has to get out of Dodge, I mean Europe. He sneaks onto a train and meets an artist, Bellack (Norbert Schiller).  Bellack is heading to the States to live with his relatives in California. Yep, Dracula murders him and takes his identity. Now Dracula shows up at the Mayberry-type residence.  These folks are salt of the earth and the nubile daughter, Rachel (Eberhardt), is quite a dish. Dracula thinks so, too.  Uh oh, Rachel has a boyfriend, Tim (Ray Stricklyn). He's a good sort and puts up with all Rachel's moods. God bless him. Uh oh, Dracula wants her.  He's a strange sort to his hosts who believe he's cousin Bellack.  For instance he takes the mirror down in his room, doesn't appear in daylight, and is afraid of crosses, but we shouldn't be judgmental. 

Okay, now Bellack sets his shop up in an abandoned mine.  He has a coffin for him and one for Rachel for when he turns her.  In the  mean time he bites Jenny (Virginia Vincent) and turns her into his vamp. Uh oh for Dracula, a European cop, Merriman (John Wengraf) hits town on his trail. Now Bellack, sensing danger, makes his move for the nubile lass that is Rachel. Her resistance will be futile, but don't fear...there are men in this film who know what needs to be done and how to do it.  These men are non-existent in today's America...hence we are incapable of winning a war, putting a man on the moon, or building a wall (this review was written last year). 

Yep, the purity of America went out the window when real men went by the wayside! Will Dracula be able to bite and turn Rachel into his bride?  Will the European cop be able to carve a nice stake out of a baseball bat (those same bats are made out of aluminum today)? Will Jenny, with her white negligee falling off, seduce any of the town's guys and maybe some of the town's babes?  Okay, that last question was of a prurient nature. For a neat vampire film that could be shown to the whole family, see "The Return of Dracula."