Twice Dead, Ghost, Creeps, and Old Love

Jill Whitlow!  Oh...how we all gasped.  The babe sorority sister with the flamethrower and the formal gown...the stuff legends are made of.  When the creep jumped in her mouth at the end of "Night of the Creeps" wee all were heartbroken. What an awful way for this nubile beauty to meet her demise.  A year or two later she would have another shot at surviving a horror film.  Won't be easy. A jealous and possessive ghost may have something to say about this.  Today we look at 1988's "Twice Dead," directed by Bert L. Dragin.  

Back in the 1930s, screen actor Tyler Walker longs for the love of his life, Myrna (Whitlow). Alas, she ran off with some guy named Cates, leaving Tyler to mistakenly sign his mansion away and ultimately he hangs himself. Decades later, a family moves in. Scott (Tom Bresnahan) is a hunk high school kid and his lovely sister, Robin (also Whitlow) is also a high schooler. Okay, seems Robin and Scott are ancestors of the long lost love, Myrna.  Oh yes...Tyler's ghost still haunts this mansion.  Scott and Robin will run afoul of a gang of goons at high school.  The gang wants to invade the mansion. One gang member, Crisp (Jonathan Chapin) seems to take an unusual interest in Robin.  

Tyler's ghost seems to want to protect Scott and Robin.  Yep, he has figured out Robin is the spitting image of his lost love.  The gang gets bold and plots a home invasion.  The first attempt is a seemingly gory failure, thwarted by Scott's ability to create special f/x.  This will lead to a great line about the penisaurus, you'll see.  The second home invasion will see the gang members getting the drop on Robin and Scott.  Robin's chastity will be threatened, and now Tyler will get more involved.  What follows is intense gore and blood spatter.  As this is happening, Crisp takes Robin into Tyler's study and is seemingly possessed, but so is Robin.  Bits of bone and brain will fly, banging gang bangers will fry, and Tyler the ghost will mount a motorcycle.  Wild!

Will Jill Whitlow fare better in this one than she did in "Night of the Creeps"? Will Tyler reclaim Myrna in the form of the nubile but alive Robin?  Just what is behind Crisp's weird attraction to Robin?  This is a good one with a very gory ending.  For some terrific 1980s horror fun, and a good second half of a double feature with "Night of the Creeps," see "Twice Dead."

Rattlers, Snakes Get Vicious

So what do we hunger for when we have a film about a horde of deadly snakes converging on civilization?  Yep.  The proverbial nude and lathery babe in the bathtub scene.  You know the scene.  The babe has her eyes shut and a warm cloth over her face.  Mr. Bubble hides her private parts.  Then out of the drain comes a slithery killer.  So much metaphor in a babe and snake scene.  Kudos to Celia Kaye!  The babe actress gives us this performance in today's film, 1976's "Rattlers," directed by John McCauley.  Incidentally...what happens to a nubile actress after doing s gratuitous bath scene?  Right again!  A bigwig Hollywood moviemaker marries her.  Celia Kaye would become Celia Milius as John Milius ("Red Dawn") would marry her after the film...at least for a short time. 

Okay...in the Mojave Desert, rattlesnakes turn uber aggressive.  Two children are feasted upon by the toothy things.  More attacks.  The snakes seem to go out of their way to kill.  This is apparently uncharacteristic of these venomous beasts.  Enter Dr. Tom (Sam Chew, Jr.), a snake expert from the university.  The local sheriff calls him in to consult.  Tom is kind of a dweeb, and nothing about him indicates he has any brains, Still, he'll be matched up with a grouchy babe, Ann (Elisabeth Chauvet). Tom needs a photographer, don't ask why, and Ann the Grouch seems to be the best one around. She's a babe but the women's libber is quite annoying.  All you divorced guys will pray she gets bitten...by snakes. The two enter the Mojave in search of the nest.  The idiots won't find it.

More attacks.  The aforementioned babe in the tub gets it...as does a farm family. Tom and Ann happen across a little, but covert, army base run by the insane Colonel Stroud (Dan Priest). At first the army will be helpful.  Then it turns out that Stroud oversaw the burying of cannisters of a deadly nerve gas. The gas was Stroud's invention, a bio-weapon intended to be used on the Vietcong.  Tom and Ann will fall in love, which is kind of yucky.  This film needed one of those intimacy coordinators the new films have now. The snakes get more aggressive.  Stroud gets more insane. Well, that's enough for now.

Will the grouchy Ann get what all you divorced guys hope she'll get?  Will Tom develop a dose of manhood and give Ann a good...well, never mind that.  Will the snakes defeat the U.S. Army and move into Vegas just like the Raiders and Athletics did?  If you don't like slithery snakes you won't like this movie.  For nubile babes in much danger (in the tub), see "Rattlers," and perhaps see what did in the Women's Liberation movement.   

Underwater, Kristen Stewart vs. the Sea Monsters.

Oh, please!  May the sea monsters win!  Will we ever forgive Kristen Stewart for those twinkling vampires?  No!  Of course not!  An A-List celebrity in a very un-sexy role. You'll see.  Oh, what Roger Corman could have done with B-List talent and one-twentieth the budget.  Still, we have nice sea monsters in a claustrophobic setting.  Oh!  Guess what!  Forget Kristen Stewart...get a load of Jessica Henwick!  If you don't know who Ms. Henwick is...well, you are in for a treat.  Today we look at the big-budget 2020 horror film, "Underwater," directed by William Eubank.

Give this one credit. It gets right to the point. As the film begins a mining colony in the Mariana Trench (35,000 below the surface) is collapsing in on itself.  Most will die.  Norah (Stewart), a mechanical engineer, survives and makes her way through leaky and collapsing sections of the structure to find breathable air and escape pods. She'll find corpses and a few survivors including the very scared Emily (Henwick). She'll also find Cpt. Lucien (Vincent Cassel) who put many of the survivors on the few operating escape pods.  Bad news...the part of the structure they are in is fast losing integrity and the gang of six must put on robotic diving suits, walk along the bottom of the trench, and reach a part of the structure with functioning escape pods.

Unlike many horror films...this one is fast-moving.  We don't have to wait for this drama. The drama turns to horror when the monster, excuse me, monsters arrive.  They are slithery and toothy.  A whole species has come up out of the place where the facility drilled and are now birthing, mating...and feeding.  Emily is real scared and looks great being scared.  We desperately hope she will survive, though being sixth in the credits bodes doom...so sad.  Now Norah and her mates are fighting off the creatures and trying to reach the last part of the facility that may have escape pods to bring them to the surface.  The monsters are grouchy and hungry...and seem to multiply at a great rate. 

Claustrophobic and ominous.  There seems no hope for our few survivors.  Will any of the six survivors survive until the end credits?  Will Emily ditch the bulky robotic diving suit and show us a nice string bikini?   Will director William Eubanks give us sea monsters that twinkle?  Oh, what Roger Corman could have done with this script.  Saying that, Mr. Eubanks and cast do a fine job and instead of comparing this to a Corman film, we can see the cast and crew paying homage to the type of film we thirst for.  See "Underwater," and enjoy monsters and the nubile and wet Jessica Henwick.    

Delirium, Shell Shocked Vietnam Vet Shreds babes

We call it PTDS now.  Instead of sending these beset vets to insane asylums and making movies about their anti-social deeds...we give them support dogs (often at taxpayer expense).  Many of us long for the days when we used to call it "shell shock" or "battle fatigue."  Those two terms came from the first two world wars...wars we won.  Now that America loses all its wars...we call it PTSD...just an observation.  In 1979, PTSD was not yet an industry.  Thus today we look at 1979's "Delirium," directed by Peter Maris.

Charlie (Nick Panouzis) kills and murders during his stint in Vietnam.  After a Vietnamese prostitute questions his manhood, he flips out.  He'll be medically discharged, sent to an insane asylum, and escape.  Now he is recruited by Stern (Barron Winchester) top help kill rapists and murderers on the U.S. streets. Uh oh...with issues regarding his manhood, Charlie engages on his own personal vendetta...against beautiful American women.  He'll try to rape them and murder them.  He'll kill the pretty Jenny (Pat Knapko) by impaling her with a spear through a door.  Her roomie, Susan (Debi Chaney), is a babe and will give us some gratuitous bath and shower scenes.  Charlie is now on the run.  He runs...rests...meets a beautiful dame...murders her.  A never ending pattern just like U.S. wars in far off lands.

Susan is able to help police identify Charlie.  This alarms the organization that was going to hire him.  This vigilante society made up of psycho army officers has a pretty long record of kidnaping fiends who get off on technicalities and killing them. An investigation into Charlie by two great detectives, Paul (Turk Cekovsky) and Larry (Terry TenBroek), lead them to some of the group members.  With Susan's help, Larry and Paul close in on the cabal.  Now Stern orders Susan murdered.  Oh, Charlie keeps running across dames.  The army veteran uses pitchforks, drowning, or meat cleavers to off them.  Now Susan is in mortal danger, not from Charlie, but from the secret society that seeks to clean the streets of St. Louis.  yes, St. Louis was a s**t hole back in 1979, too.

Would Charlie have learned computers and to recycle instead of raping and murdering if given a support dog?  However unstable Charlie is, is he more likely to win a war for us than the current recruits entering into today's military?  Is the secret society's inability to murder a dame clad in high-heels and sundresses (or totally nude) through the entire film a good explanation as to why the U.S. can't win anymore wars?  Ms. Chaney is radiant and refreshing as the damsel in much distress who always seems to avoid being murdered.  See "Delirium," and enjoy a flick that probably appeared on drive-in screens when it came out.

Horsemen, The Apocalypse Draws Near

It's coming!  Or is it?  The final days are here!  Biblically speaking, we are in the final days.  An accurate understanding of the Bible suggests that me and you do not know when this day is.  To suggest otherwise is heresy. This speculation, however, makes great movies.  Today we have a gory one.  A taboo one.  One that will make you squirm.  Let us take a look at 2009's "Horsemen," directed by Jonas Akerlund.

Detective Breslin (Dennis Quaid) is a homicide detective.  As our film begins he is summoned to a very gory and ritualistic murder scene.  He knows that this won't be the last one.  It won't be.  These murders seem to be done by a gang.  Drugs are utilized to incapacitate the victim and the victim is kept alive to undergo unimaginable torture and disembowelment.  This is the last thing Breslin needs.  Having just lost his wife a few years back, he is struggling, and doing an awful job, at reconnecting to his two boys.  Hardly a family man, Breslin is summoned to an expensive house where a mom has been suspended on hooks and...well, see the movie, but it is disgusting!  He must then console the three children, the oldest one is the very pretty Kristin (Ziyi Zhang).

Breslin puts two and two together and gets his Bible out.  He finds a connection between the killings and Revelation 6.  The four horsemen of the apocalypse are introduced into the plot.  The question, which biblical scholars discuss, is now an important one for Breslin...who are these four horsemen?  Uh oh...the answer to this, in Breslin's world, will be shocking.  Even worse, the killings continue...and did I mention...they are sooooo gory?  Meanwhile, Breslin fails repeatedly at connecting with his two sons (Lou Taylor Pucci and Liam James). 

Just who are the four horsemen as far as Breslin's police investigation shows?  Are the horsemen really heralding an apocalypse?  Is our good detective in danger of becoming one of the victims?  Experienced horror film fans will catch where this one is going, though it will still be a shocking film.  Not the feel good film of 2009, but ominous and horrific, all the same.  See "Horsemen" and don't use this film to learn about what John penned in Revelation.   

The Blackout: Invasion Earth, Russia Invaded by Aliens and Everyone Else

8 billion people die!  Hence our film begins.  You have to admit...quite ambitious.  There just...killed.  By what and by who.  Today we have a fantastic mess from Russia.  As Russian troops, as we speak, shred maybe a thousand young Ukrainian men a day, we have a 2019 film that makes these numbers look miniscule.  In war...no one wins.  In "The Blackout: Invasion Earth," directed by Egor Baranov, this also may be true...or is it?

Our story begins in Moscow where Oleg (Aleksey Chadov) is having sweaty and imaginative pre-marital sex with the sultry Alyona (Lukerya Ilyashenko).  Durting their climaxes, the invasion occurs...8 billion dead.  Okay, I know, "orgasm" comes from a word meaning "the little death."  Oleg and Alyona must have had some kinda orgasms.  Back to the plot.  Everyone in the world is gone!  Except for a large circle encompassing parts of Russia, Belarus, The Ukraine, and Finland.  Uh oh...it is a shrinking circle.  Major Dolmitov (Konstantin Lavronenko) commands an outpost at the edge of the circle.  Any incursion outside the circle meets with disaster.  Then the invasion encroaches the circle.

Hey!  Oleg is a commando assigned to this perimeter and Alyona is a medic assigned there.  Wouldn't you know it, so is Yuriy (Pyotr Fyodorov), Oleg's best buddy and Alyona's former lover.  Eek!  Never mind that, whatever has wiped out the outside world is now attacking inside the circle.  Epic battle scenes and lots of bears will fill the screen.  The Russian army gets smaller and smaller, unlike today's war in The Ukraine.  Alyona kisses Oleg and Yuriy romances a TV reporterette (Svetlana Ivanova) as humans die faster than Zelenskyy's army.  All seems hopeless, then...well, you'll see.

The battle scenes are elongated and bloody.  Tens of thousands will be killed on screen during battle.  Then, the aliens come and it gets worse.  Does Russia stand a chance at prevailing?  Probably a better chance than Zelenskyy does.  Will the TV info-babe and Alyona engage in a catfight to see who gets to have the next orgasm?  So, what is really going on here?  Epic and ambitious, this one goes longer than two hours.  It'll leave you exhausted and ready to pick up an AK-47 and join the Russian army.  See "The Blackout: Invasion Earth" and fantasize about all your annoying neighbors getting zapped. 

Hellhounds, Werewolves Misbehaving

Sultry werewolf biker chicks!  Biker werewolves from rival gangs!  Werewolf sex!  Gore! Nudity! Nubile prisoners in bondage!  Yes!  When was the last time we had a werewolf film with all this stuff in it?  Hey, now I don't want to overstate this, but this film even has DB Cooper in it.  Today we look at 2024's "Hellhounds," directed by Robert Conway.

Mass murderer Dave (Daniel Link), who hopes to be turned into a werewolf by werewolf queen Lucella (Eva Hamilton), takes prisoners in the desert with the intention of feeding them to Lucella when she arrives.  Excuse the run-on sentence.  Lucella is a 400 year old babe who is naked a lot, covered in blood, and has just turned the hunk Kevin (Cameron Kotecki) into her mate...and Kevin is ticked.  Enter Alias (Nathaniel Burns), a werewolf biker.  He heads the Hellhounds gang, which have been all but wiped out by rival gang the Silver Bullets.  Alias has a score to settle with Lucella and Dave. Also enter Mia (Dana Kippel), a sultry bounty hunter who also has a score to settle with Dave,  Alias and Mia team up.  Mia is not a werewolf and gets an education as she gets to know Alias.

Meanwhile, Emma (Amelia Haberman) is tied up in a trailer with fellow prisoners Brandy (Anna Harr) and Tommy (Tim Sauer).  Dave plans to use them to feed Lucella when she arrives.  Meanwhile, after murdering Kevin's wife and turning Kevin, Lucella will have a bunch of werewolf sex with him.  So now we have the sides set...Lucella, Kevin, and Dave on the evil team...Alias and Mia on the good team.  Crossbows with silver arrows, guns, and fangs will abound as a bloody conclusion nears.

Spirited, deviant, and vicious...this film is a terrific werewolf tale.  Will Kevin turn against Lucella for killing his wife?  Will the sultry non-werewolf Mia allow Alias to turn her?  Just what does happen during werewolf sex?  For a terrific and action packed modern day fairy tale, see "Hellhounds."