Equalizer 2000, Post-Apocalyptic Fun

Okay, if we are going to have a post-apocalyptic film from the 80s, we should also have a babe dressed in leather who fires a lot of big guns. Check. Many will remember Corinne Wahl nee Alphen.  Currently the former Playmate works as a professional Tarot card reader. Don't judge...what are you doing to make a buck? In this one she will match up with a sweaty brute, fire a lot of guns, have pre-marital sex, be tied up and bound, and fall in love...a true post-apocalyptic siren.  Our feature today is 1987's "Equalizer 2000," directed by Cirio H. Santiago. 

Slade (Richard Norton) has muscles, sweats a lot, and grunts. While fighting the evil rulers of the post-apocalyptic wasteland, The Ownership, his dad is killed by an Ownership general named Lawton (William Steis). Now the free agent Slade is on the run, trying to avoid The Ownership and a myriad of rebel groups. The Ownership traipses the wasteland looking for resources and oil.  They also murder anyone who may be a rebel.  Slade is taken prisoner by Dixon's (Rex Cutter) rebels as they think he is an Ownership thug.  Soon, Dixon's best fighter, Karen (Wahl) befriends Slade.  Gaining the trust of Dixon's rebels, and also the affections of the sweaty babe clad in leather, Slade builds a mega-gun that shoots everything including missiles.  With this gun, Slade repels Lawton and his forces.  Now Lawton wants the gun.

Slade and Karen have pre-marital sex and are eventually captured. Slade will get away but Lawton will end up wit the big gun. Karen will also escape and now all the rebel groups will unite on a last ditch effort to destroy the rule of The Ownership.  Slade also converges on the fort of The Ownership but only to murder Lawton.  Lawton possesses Slade's gun and it is the great equalizer.  Clad in leather and looking better than any Tarot card reader has a right to, Karen leads a raid inside The Ownership's fort. Slade is a bit slow but grunting and sweating he also arrives.  A mega-war breaks out.  Flamethrowers, rocket launchers, bows and arrows, spears, and those neat souped up cars from the "Mad Max" movies!  So beautiful.

Will Lawton recapture Karen and use his big gun on her?  Will Slade decide to help the rebels destroy The Ownership?  Will Karen and Slade swap any more spit and other bodily fluids in a dark tunnel emanating the scents of sweat and Chanel No. 5?  This is an epic one which is heavy on battle scenes.  If you need to watch a man's movie, avoid the current box office and see "Equalizer 2000" and then go have your cards read.

Two on a Guillotine, Nubile Blonde Babe in Peril

Connie Stevens! Dean Jones! Cesar Romero!  A cute Disney flick? No! A twisted and taboo tale that will make you squirm.  Heads will roll, the beautiful will be...well, you'll see, but it will be yucky.  Betrayal, deceit, murder, and madness await this cast which is more suited for a family prime-time drama. Our feature today is 1965's "Two on a Guillotine," directed by William Conrad. 

20 years ago The Great Duquesne (Romero) was this country's finest magician.  He always had cutting edge and bloody tricks that made audiences gasp.  They were just tricks, though.  His beautiful assistant was his wife Melinda (Stevens). She'd be bloodied and impaled but always reappeared whole after the trick. Uh oh...something is wrong...but what? Melinda seems fed up and bordering on a breakdown as her two-year old seems more attached to the babysitter, Dolly (Virginia Gregg). Then poof! 20 years later. That two-year old is now 22 and the sultry Cassie (also Stevens).  She arrives back in town just before the funeral of her dad. She had not seen him for 20 years after...after...after what? Now there he is in a coffin with windows and a weird will. The will?  Cassie gets everything if she stays in his mansion for 7 days without being scared away...easy, right?

Enter Val (Jones).  He's cute and pushy.  A reporter who is also wondering about the aforementioned questions.  Even better, in the will, The Great Duquesne promised to come back from the dead. Lying to Cassie, in order to get a story, Val says he's in real estate.  After a horrific first five-minutes in the mansion, Val rushes in and saves Cassie and now she is sweet on him.  Cassie, believing Val is in real estate, tells him all she knows about her dad but this just creates more questions. Oh, the locked room.  There is a room at the top of the stairs that they have no key for. Strange screams, moans and flying skeletons play on Cassie's nerves.  Val, at first, only wanted a story and used deception, now falls in love with Cassie.  Uh oh, if Cassie finds out he is a reporter, he'll be thrown out. Then the mystery of what happened to Melinda.  Cassie is a spitting image of her mom and no one knows where she went...though her harp playing often can be heard through the mansion. 

Enough of the plot.  The mansion is cavernous and spooky.  Cassie is nubile and prone to scares.  Val is quite taken by the blonde.  What happened to Melinda?  Will The Great Duquesne come back from the grave?  Will Val ever level with Cassie and properly allow her to fall in love with him?  Startling and unnerving, the final reveal eventually arrives and is frightening and heartbreaking. Forego any Disney garbage and see a real shocker, "Two on a Guillotine."

   

Crisis Point, Rhona Mitra Hostage Negotiator

Rhona Mitra as a vampire!  Rhona Mitra as an assassin!  Rhona Mitra as a monster hunter!  So, why not Rhona Mitra as a hostage negotiator?  I know, hostage negotiators usually don't wear black leather catsuits, except in North Korea, but Rhona Mitra in anything will do. Today we have a crime thriller in which the bad guys will have to deal with the sultriest voice ever to be on the other end of the telephone. Our feature today is 2012's "Crisis Point," directed by Adrian Willis.

No one is perfect.  Still, if you have to be imperfect, you may has well have the perfect body, hence Cameron Grainger (Mitra) is called to a hostage stand-off in Detroit. A 16-year old liquor store robber (Zack Paledeau) has a gun and bad robbing skills, thus a stand-off.  He'll soon talk to Cameron on the telephone, lucky kid.  A half dozen lives are at stake.  Uh oh...a horrible mistake occurs and the negotiation goes bad. Now Cameron leaves the force and her teaching position at  the college. The good news is hunk detective Liam (Marc Menard) can now date her. Cameron is not ready to date yet, but we know she's interested. Cameron needs time  off to assess if she has lost what it takes to be a great hostage negotiator. Time off? Ha! Two robbers enter a bank and now a botched getaway lead to another hostage standoff.

Do the cops call in all-star negotiator Cameron, even though she is on leave? No! The bad guys call her in!  Why? Here is the rub...the sultry back manager is Darcy (Erika Rosenbaum)...Cameron's sister.  Coincidence? Hardly!  We should also point out that this bank has the sultriest bank teller ever put on film, the lovely Tanya (Jordan Hayes). Seems the lead bank robber (Elias Toufexis) is not interested in robbing the bank...he is interested in revenge. See, and this twist can be seen a mile away, this bank robber is the older brother of the deceased 16-year old from the botched negotiation at the start of this film. Now Cameron soon finds out she is not dealing with a bank robber, but the bloodthirsty brother of the kid he thinks Cameron killed. Cameron better work fast as the robber has plans for Erika...and the other bank robber has plans for the sultry Tanya.  

Will Cameron be able to put together a successful negotiation after the deadly one earlier in this film? Will Erika escape the wrath of the man who believes his brother was killed by Cameron?  Will the lovely Tanya be able to repel the dirty advances of the other bank robber? Rhona Mitra is terrific and her voice could bring Putin and Zelensky to a ceasefire.  Perhaps no surprises but a terrific crime thriller anyway with a nice cheese and beef factor.  See "Crisis Point" and enjoy a seductive effort by one of our favorite actresses.   

Dollman, A 13-Inch Cop

As the 80s melded into the 90s, Full Moon Entertainment became king of straight-to-video releases.  A number of franchise plot devices and characters were created.  Charles Band knew what he was doing and Blockbuster made a fortune in rental sales because of him.  Little people (no, not midgets) and little creatures were favorites of audiences with some nice cheese and sexual situations added in.  Today we will look at 1991's "Dollman," directed by Albert Pyun.

On the Planet Arturos, a "Dirty Harry" like cop is suspended for brutality.  Brick Bardo (Tim Thomerson) shoots first and asks questions later.  After his latest feat, the suspended cop is captured by an old nemesis, Sprug (Frank Collison). Sprug is a detached head that flies around on a small flying saucer and has in his possession a bomb that can blow up the entire planet. Brick murders Sprug's henchmen and chases the head. Both beings climb aboard spaceships and end up crash landing on Earth. Now the 13-inch detective is at a disadvantage...size wise. Being the cop he is, Brick saves the lovely Debi (Kamala Lopez) from violation from a drug gang lead by Braxton (Jackie Earle Haley).  Retreating from the murderous cop, the gang finds Sprug and brings him with them. Now Debi takes Brick home and Sprug buys Braxton's help with the promise of a bomb that can destroy all of New York City.

Sprug wants revenge on Brick, who is responsible for shooting off all his limbs.  Brick tries to help Debi clean up her neighborhood and murders a lot of drug thugs. Now Braxton sends his gang after Brick, but Brick, even at his small size, wipes them out.  Now Braxton gets smart and grabs Debi, luring Brick to his hideout.  Ultimately, Braxton plans to destroy New York with his new fusion bomb.  The small cop with a potent gun shies away from no villain, and his sense of chivalry draws him into the ambush in order to save the noble damsel.

Will the unification of Braxton and Sprug spell the annihilation of the Big Apple?  Will the little cop with a big heart be able to save Debi?  Even if the the 13-inch cop saves the normal sized babe, can they actually do anything to celebrate?  This is a good one filled with wit, gore, violence, and a lot of shoot-outs.  See "Dollman" and be ready for a ton of spin-offs and sequels.

Night of the Bloody Transplant, Organ Carnage

The brilliance of man, in the 60s and 70s, gave us space exploration and organ transplant.  The U.S. and Soviets were landing men on the moon and visiting planets.  Doctors were on the verge of perfecting heart transplants.  NASA and the medical profession then took another direction.  NASA focused on irrelevant causes like the global warming hoax and the medical profession got all hot and bothered about cholesterol.  Mad scientists were replaced by federal grant happy dorks with medical degrees.  Today's feature harps back to the day when heart transplants still had us awe inspired, 1970's "Night of the Bloody Transplant," directed by David W. Hanson.

Dr. Jim Arnold (Cal Seely) is frustrated.  He can't get the medical profession to listen to him.  They think he's a quack. Jim says he can perfect heart transplants.  He's way ahead of his time.  Jim has a patient, Mrs. Woodruff, an old lady who is happy to fund him.  His nurse, Beth (Elizabeth Rawlings), believes in him.  So does his thug/prize fighting brother, Tom (Dick Grimm). Tom has a problem with women...they reject him and he murders them.  The good news, after Tom murders a party girl, Jim now has a heart to transplant into Mrs. Woodruff.

The surgery goes well...for Mrs. Woodruff...not the lady Tom pummeled to death.  Now the police are involved.  Paul (David Haller), a detective, is hot on the clues.  He follows the trail of murdered gals, who just happen to be missing their hearts.  Tom becomes more unstable when another party girl blackmails him.  Beth believes the well oiled machine of her and Jim would run a lot better without the brute Tom.  More murders and more police scrutiny lead to Jim and Beth having to get more creative and also put them in major peril.

Drive-in quality all the way, there will be enough gore and cheese to satisfy.  Has the Fauci-ization of the U.S. healthcare industry destroyed the possibility of ever perfecting heart transplants? Are stupid and fictitious vaccines the main thrust of U.S. medicine now that Big Pharma rules the day?  Does pretty Nurse Beth stand a chance at surviving this film with a mad scientist and prize fighting thug surrounding her?  For some good 1970s drive-in madness, see "Night of the Bloody Transplant."

Death Dancers, BDSM Madam's Plot for Revenge

Today we have the magnum opus of Deborah Dutch! Many of you know the name. Those of you who don't...well, trust me...she is talented and apparently big in South Korea...as is Anthony Zerbe. BDSM out the Ying Yang! You will get your film dose of it with this film thanks to an all-in performance by Ms. Dutch.  Sick of watching bore-athons like "Shadowlands" and "Barry Lyndon"? You owe it to yourself to view this anthem from the BDSM world of deviance and carnal bacchanalia. Our feature today is 1993's "Death Dancers," directed by Jason Holt.

Shannon (Dutch) gets pregnant and her BDSM husband is not pleased. He beats the snot out of her causing a miscarriage. What does she do? Watch the film. A serial killer is murdering men who attend BDSM nightclubs.  Not nearly as deviant as the peeps on The Epstein List. Shannon is the #1 BDSM peep and charges top dollar to humiliate you, tie you up, make you beg, whip you, and lick her feet. Sure, she is a metaphor for our celebrity class and political elite today. Her girls also demand top-dollar and perform at the aforementioned nightclub.  The most interesting of her girls is Itsani (Sunset Thomas), who will befriend the undercover cop Will (Mitchell Scott).  Will wants to meet Shannon probably because he thinks she is the serial killer. He has cuffs ready for her, but we are not sure if they are for the arrest or...well, never mind.

Will also has a backstory.  His GF died 10 years ago and he sort of went bonkers when that happened. Now he is deep into the BDSM world and infatuated by his latest suspect, the mysterious Shannon. Flashbacks are prurient and do fill out the plot and explain what is really going on. Where does this all lead?  This film starts out incredibly deviant, ramps it up several degrees, and then presents a final reveal that is so prurient and deviant that you will need a shower to wash the memory of it off.  Nudity, whipping, humiliation, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes, and the taboo will cascade into the plot even if you are not asking for it.

Is Shannon the killer?  Is Will really interested in catching the killer?  Are the two tragic backstories at all connected?  Not for everyone, but Ms. Dutch is 100% into her performance and carries the film. If you need some prurient movie viewing to let you know that you are not as deviant as you thought...or to give you some ideas that you probably should not come up with, see "Death Dancers."

Camp Pleasant Lake, Brother and Sister with Big Knives

Great cast and great body count.  How many?  Dozens...maybe 40 or 50, most offed with a very big knife in this slasher epic.  Oh, a fine cast of peeps you want to see...like Michael Pare and Devanny Pinn, and standouts from Mahal Empire films like Robert LaSardo.  Nostalgic for those 80 slasher film tropes?  Here they are...set at a summer camp by the lake with counselors and stupid campers, and killers who relish in gutting them....oh yeah, Michael Pare is in it...I guess I said that. Our feature today is 2024's "Camp Pleasant Lake," directed by Thomas Walton.

22 years ago a lot of bad stuff happened, and I'm not talking about the Bush Administration.  In brief, a great looking couple, Ruby (Leila Almas Rose) and John (James Di Giacomo) are headed to a marriage counseling retreat but first need to drop their two children off at summer camp.  They barely get there after being traumatized by a weird, perverted, and sadistic family. Mom and dad will be murdered in humiliating fashion by the weird family in which Angel (LaSardo) and Lou (Mike Ferguson) will noose them. The kids?  Echo and Jasper?  Humiliation and horror await them at camp.  Present day, Echo (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Jasper (Jonathan Lipnicki) are back...as killers that hang around that camp.  The camp? New owners!  Rick (Pare) and his wife have turned it into a horror camp themed after the horror that took place 22 years ago.  The horror that took place?  It will be replayed now, with the new campers and counselors.

Supposedly, the campers and counselors will endure the horror of the kind little Echo and Jasper endured long ago.  They don't know that those two kids are back as psycho adults, and both have big knives. Oh, remember that weird family, which included Angel and Lou?  They are still around.  The adults that need killing, in the minds of Echo and Jasper, number almost 60.  Certainly, in a 90 minute movie these two psychos won't get to all 60? Or will they?  The knives get plenty of use, as does torture, and various other slasher weapons.  A lot here, and the confluence of horrible events that occurred 22 years ago are gone into in great detail.

We should note the performance of Devanny Pinn.  Her scene toward the end of the film is classic slasher horror, and merits some sort of Oscar. Okay, the death count is high, but will Michael Pare survive this slasher onslaught?  Just what happened to Echo and Jasper over the past 22 years?  Do the counselors and campers deserve their fates?  For dozens of bloody stabbings, and twisted backstories, see "Camp Pleasant Lake."