Thursday, January 16, 2025

Ice Sharks, Eskimos and Scientists Eaten

When in doubt just go back to an old reliable.  In my case, it is an original Syfy film made by our buddies at The Asylum. As a movie making company, when in doubt...make a shark film.  In a shark film, when in doubt, put in a helicopter that gets eaten by a shark....Thank you "Jaws 2" for that trope.  Today we will look at an old reliable type of work, 2016's "Ice Sharks," directed by Emile Edwin Smith. Yep, made for Syfy by The Asylum. 

An Eskimo with a dog sled is hunting on a pack of Arctic ice.  Sadly, he gets on thin ice near the edge and a big shark eats his dogs and him. Happens. Greenland shark...very nasty. Nearby an Arctic research station is on the ice doing experiments.  Apparently the waters are warming making the ice thinner. Tracy (Jenna Parker) and David (Edward DeRuiter) are scientists/lovers.  Everyone else in the scientific team is ...shark bait. The team will get a whiff of what's going on when Sammy goes out on a skimobile to check sensors...sort of the fuse boxes of the Arctic. He's eaten. Then David and Tracy go out on skimobiles to check on a missing Eskimo...they are almost eaten but make it back.  Here's one for you...did you know Greenland sharks smell really bad?


Now the thin ice around the station has the sharks circling.  Val (Mia Danelle), a hot Asian scientist who comes up with some really bad ideas, will be eaten. We liked her.  She did not whine and go and on about stuff no one cares about. This blog is partial to hot Asian babes, but Ms. Danelle was sixth in the credits which foreshadows an awful death. Okay, the sharks pull the station off the ice and now the team, the ever decreasing team, is 100 feet below the surface of the Arctic Ocean.  The sharks are getting aggressive and slamming into the sunken facility.  Wait! An icebreaker has heard their distress calls and is bringing fresh meat and a helicopter to the site of the sunk base.

Is the fate of this research station a foreshadowing of the fate of the idiotic so-called Global Warming science?  Is Val's fate a gratuitous slant against the intelligence of Asians who some see as displacing marginalized communities in the U.S.?  Will Tracy and David survive or will their plight mean the end of every single sailor on the icebreaker above?  For Syfy and The Asylum films, this is a good one.  It has some nice gore, a hot Asian babe, and a lot of smelly sharks. See "Ice Sharks" and think twice if you want to buy into this "Climate Change" nonsense.   

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Chum! Baby Great White Sharks Take Over

A shark film!  Yes!  Made in 2024, our feature today does not use CGI...puppets, all the way!  One may view our film as a breakthrough in interpretive puppet theater.  Others may view it as Grade C trash.  Sharks is sharks!  Our feature today is 2024's "Chum!"  This Josh Graves films features the most interesting tattoos ever imprinted on any cast.

Mad scientists lament that Great White sharks are all but extinct. Their solution is to infuse the DNA of a parasite that turns ants into zombie drones with human DNA.  Dr. Anthony Fauci would be proud.  This works...kind of.  Now baby Great White sharks are rampant.  They prowl small town America and start attacking.  As the conquest begins, Danny (Matt Alive) and Marcus (Antonio Samuels) are throwing back some cold ones.  The needy Kat (Mouse Cravensworth) is vomiting in the toilet at home.  She's Danny's gal, usually.  Our little sharks are showing up in showers of nubile babes, in babies cribs, or in sinks of unsuspecting housewives.  Anyone in their way gets eaten.

Now Marcus gets bitten by a homeless guy.  No word if the guy is an illegal alien.  It is apparent that the sharks are spreading a virus turning people into human sharks.  The baby sharks converge on the home of Danny and Kat as Marcus begins turning into a zombie.  Uh oh...Kat is pregnant and the sharks want to eat her, anyway.  Hammers, garbage disposals, microwave ovens, and guns will be used by our characters to go to war against the sharks.  The sharks will fly through the air, crawl up pant legs and eat balls, and pop out of drains.  Uh oh...the great baby Great White shark infestation is not limited to this little town.

Will Kat be able to save herself and baby and repopulate a world that has been decimated by baby Great White sharks?  Will the spreading virus turn Kat's baby into a shark?  Is this film a thin metaphor for the COVID vaccine that many have been duped into taking?  See "Chum!" and be exposed to the consequences our unchecked scientific community can inflict upon us. 

Sunday, January 12, 2025

A killer in the House, Psycho on Parole Shreds Babes

I know, they're skanks.  Still, this blog loves skanks. Woke-America loves Women's Studies majors, but this blog loves skanks.  Give us nubile blondes with big...smiles...any day over masculine females with crew cuts and purple hair. Unfortunately for skanks, psychos treat them viciously.  Today we look at a film with a huge cheese-factor, 2024's "A killer in the House," directed by Jared Cohn.

Misogynist, sex-criminal Leo (Phillip Andre Botello) is a 100% con man...100% woman-killer. He gets out on parole, invites an aspiring babe actress (Cait Moira) to his place, and strangles the life out of her. He believes any babe he sees belongs to him and if they show any sass, he murders them...and all her friends...and any babe within 5-miles of her. The vicious guy pretends he is a Hollywood producer and cons his way into the life of the very sultry Ava (Kathrine Gibson). Ava is desperate for a part and assumes Leo is who he represents himself as. Skank Ava has an equally sexy roomie, Brie (Shawn Holmes). She's total babe and totally in danger, as well. Men in Ava's life will die horribly. One of the guys she dates, Colby (Griffin Todd) will have a fork stuck in his jugular at an outdoor cafe.

The sultry Ava, always dressed...provocatively...bangs any man she dates. Leo watches, sometimes while in her bedroom. The sneaky psycho follows the men out of Ava's house and murders them.  Now poor Brie is in danger...as she lives with Ava.  You will see the horror Brie is subjected to. Leo gets more aggressive and Ava totally believes he is the path to starring in a film alongside Brad Pitt.  Leo gets more unhinged and murders anyone in his way and now makes a move to invade Ava and Brie's house. Alas, the two babes will not have a chance...or will they?

Forget about IMDB's rating of 2.5/10 of this film. The babe factor is through the roof, and Ms. Gibson and Ms. Holmes are captivating on the screen. Will both Brie and Ava die horribly for the crime of being... skanks? Is this film about sultry dames in trouble the beginning of an anti-woke movement in Indie filmmaking?  Do the nubile, non-diverse Brie and Ava, have what it takes to draw in a none-woke audience?  See "A Killer in the House," and enjoy a slasher film the way they were meant to be.  

Friday, January 10, 2025

Rat Scratch Fever, The Rats Take Over

CGI and AI be damned.  With special f/x right out of the 60s TV shows, I have an epic I'm sure you missed.  A true B movie with horrific alien planets and creatures, space-babes (most will die horribly), space-hunks (most will die horribly), soldier babes (most will die horribly), soldier hunks (most will die horribly), and a Dr. Phibes type mad scientist.  The death toll will be in the millions as you see toy and model military vehicles respond to a giant invasion from outer space.  Our feature today is 2011's "Rat Scratch Fever," directed by Jeff Leroy.

A mysterious planet enters our solar system and the Steele Space Corporation (SSC) sends a spaceship to investigate.  The astronauts and astronettes on the mission are eaten on the planet by rats the size of bears, except for Sonja (Tasha Tacosa). This space-babe gets the ship back to Earth but a small rat crawled up her pant leg and into her...her...well, let's just say it...#@&%. Now Sonja is infected and has a rat inside her, guiding all her actions.  Soldier babes and soldier hunks respond to her landing.  Sonja murders them, eats them, and steals their war vehicles.  In possession of guided missile vehicles, Sonja destroys the base of SSC.  Now Jake (Ford Austin), a poor man's Roddy "Rowdy" Piper, enters the scene. He's Sonja's BF and wants her back.  The SCC magnate, Steele (Randal Malone) knows that Sonja is no longer human and wants her dead.

As Steele and SCC try to find and exterminate Sonja, she keeps eating people. Rats, big ones, the size of bears, and regular sized ones, converge on L.A. They even eat babies. Yep, this film does have heartbreak. Now Jake finds Sonja but all she wants is his blood.  Most of L.A. gets wiped out but Jake and a handful of heroic soldiers, including the very pretty Jennifer (Phoebe Dollar) fight to the end.  Wait!  Steele arrives. The weird guy with phony skin and limbs has a solo war vehicle with a weird laser beam thing on it.  He's ready to exterminate.  Uh oh...the rats number in the millions.  What's worse, the rat that has taken over Sonja...well, enough.  You are going to want to see the fiery ending to this one.

Will Jake be able to enjoy pre-marital sex with Sonja as long as those body parts are still functioning?  As a rat entered into Sonja through her #@&%, is there a rape-crisis center she can come in contact with?  Was this film about the rat takeover of Earth a foreshadowing of the Biden Administration?  This is a wild one.  The f/x are nostalgic and edifying.  A lot of battles, explosions, gunfights, babes and hunks pulled apart by rats, and laser beams will keep you entertained for over 90 minutes.  For an uplifting film, the way films should be made, see "Rat Scratch Fever."

Wednesday, January 8, 2025

Blood and Chocolate, The Wolf Version of Romeo and Juliet

We don't talk about Agnes Bruckner enough. Of course, we don't talk about Warren Harding enough, either.  Ms. Bruckner is prettier, so we will talk about her today. Many people are under the false impression that 2008's "Vacancy 2" was her magnum opus. Nope. In actuality, 2007's "Blood and Chocolate" (directed by Katja von Garnier) is her magnum opus.  Our feature today is William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" with werewolves!  Hey, why not?  If our old bard friend had utilized werewolves and monsters more, this would be a Shakespeare blog!

A clan of werewolves rule Bucharest!  Kind of like our country. Gabriel (Olivier Martinez) is a hunk and king of the werewolves.  Pretty teenager Vivian (Bruckner) is chosen to be his new wife to breed with. See, every seven years, the king gets to select a new wife.  Nice!  Vivian does not want to be werewolf queen, not even for seven years.  Instead she falls in love with a handsome graphic novelist, Aiden (Hugh Dancy). He writes about...wolves! The two fall in love and her "people" find out. Now Gabriel needs to get rid of Aiden so he can have pretty Agnes as his queen.  The clan changes into wolves and hunt as a pack.  Usually they hunt drug pushers and assorted deviants.  

Now Gabriel fixes it so Aiden will be gotten rid of.  Surprise!  See, Aiden has a bit of Van Helsing in him and is uniquely qualified to kill werewolves...which he does.  Now Gabriel ratchets up the urgency to murder Vivian's love.  Soon, Vivian must choose between her people and the human.  Aiden is kind of cute so naturally she chooses him.  Of course, Gabriel and all the werewolf people cannot allow Vivian's decision to stand.  Like any woman told to change her mind by a male dominated society, she goes psycho and rebels.  What happens next is beautiful, if not corny.

With a bigger budget could the makers of this film have introduced vampires in the plot and ended the film with a nice catfight between Ms. Bruckner and Kate Beckinsale?  Does a creator of wolf graphic novels have the earning potential that he needs to keep a dame like Agnes Bruckner happy? Later in life, if Aiden were to interrupt Vivian while she is going on and on about nothing important, would she turn into a wolf and tear him apart?  This is a good one and Miss Bruckner is very pleasing to the camera.  For some hokey fun, see "Blood and Chocolate." 

Monday, January 6, 2025

Happy Birthday to Me, Great Slasher Film from the Year of the Slashers

1981 seems to be the year of the great slasher film. Today we look one of the best.  Hey!  Glenn Ford is in it. The same Glenn Ford that swapped spit with Rita Hayworth in "Gilda." Melissa Sue Anderson is in it. Yep, the babe from "Little House on the Prairie." They aren't just in it...they legitimately star in it. Oh, Lesleh Donaldson is the first gory kill. I saw this in 1981...then again today. Maybe the fact that it was mixed in with a thousand other slasher films with similar tropes kept its merit as a fine film from being recognized. In 2025...we can look at this one as a fine horror film. Shocking! Gory!  Gratuitous!  Today we look at "Happy Birthday to Me," directed by J. Lee Thompson.

In 2025, when watching this film, we see it without being jaded by a deluge of slasher films also debuting. I forgot this is also a science fiction film with a mad scientist trope, an inappropriate relationship between teen Virginia (Anderson) and her psychiatrist, Dave (Ford). Some taboo plot lines, too. Oh, this movie will also have you covering your eyes during the brain surgery scene. In short, Virginia is recovering from a really bad accident that took her mom's (Sharon Acker) life. Her brain is injured and a mad scientist, using highly experimental techniques and gadgets, puts it back together. She recovers...sort of. Now, at an exclusive prep school, Virginia is in a club with nine other elites.  One by one, starting with Bernadette (Donaldson), they are murdered horribly. The death scenes are elongated and gory.

Suspects abound, but Virginia is our number one suspect. Why?  Well we saw her do some of the murders.  Too easy?  Not so fast. Virginia's friends are hunks and babes.  Her bestie is Anne (Tracey E. Bergman). She's a doll and we hope she will be the final girl. Shish-kabob skewers, motorbike wheels, and razors are some of the neat weapons.  Slit throats, having a face filed off, and gutting are some of the ways the babes and hunks are killed. Virginia has episodes where she blacks out.  Glenn Ford, er David, is very supportive of her recovery and gets closer to her as the film goes on. More and more details about the accident emerge, and also more details about the surgery emerge.  Uh oh...is Virginia the killer?  

Usually when an A-list actor or actress has his or her name on a movie poster in a slasher film, they are mere cameo performances. This was the case for Rod Steiger ("American Gothic") and William Shatner ("Visiting Hours") in slasher films around the same time this one opened. Not here. Glenn Ford, who doesn't do horror, and Melissa Sue Anderson, who doesn't do horror, are indeed the stars of this film.  You would think Glenn Ford, after lip-locking Rita Hayworth, would keep his distance from Melissa Sue Anderson.  I'm not saying Melissa Sue Anderson is no Rita Hayworth, but...well, never mind. For a fascinating, surprise filled, gory slasher film...see "Happy Birthday to Me."   

Saturday, January 4, 2025

The Bat People, A Stan Winston Spectacular

Okay, just because Stan Winston did the creature f/x does not mean this is a good movie. IMDB rated it a 2.8/10.  Still...I liked it. We have a heartwarming story of a marriage gone wrong.  Sure, we all change after we get married, but usually fangs and bat-like appendages are not part of that change.  Our feature today is 1974's "The Bat People," directed by Jerry Jameson.

John (Stewart Moss) is a scientist who studies...bats.  Nerd, I know.  He is married to Cathy (Marianne McAndrew), a nymphomaniac beauty.  She likes to have sex.  In fact, this is what starts the problem.  John, shortly after they are married, takes Cathy to see a cave.  She'd rather...have steamy sex.  Not to let an opportunity go through her fingers, Cathy decides they will have sex in the cave as bats watch. This doesn't go well...go figure. The passion goes out the window when John is bitten...by a bat. Cathy, being a good nympho...er, wife, makes John get checked out at the hospital. Dr. Kipling (Paul Carr), who does not try to have sex with Cathy, bandages John and gives him rabies shots...eek!  Now John begins having seizures.

You guessed it, John begins changing into a bat monster.  Pretty nurse in white (Jennifer Kulik), who is not a nymphomaniac, is ripped apart by John.  Cathy and Dr. Kipling are in denial, but John believes he is changing into a bat person...or a bat man!  More pretty nurses in white will be put in peril. Also in peril are some nubile young babes.  Unfortunately for many of these babes, they will die as the creature chews them up and drinks their blood.  A cop, Sgt. Wood (Michael Pataki) investigates and all his clues bring him back to John.  Oh yes, Wood does try to have sex with Cathy...she resists, though one may posit that she could have resisted harder...after all, she appears to be a nymphomaniac.  John's seizures come more often and more will die horribly.

With Cathy being a nymphomaniac, would she consider having steamy relations with a monster, or bat man?  Given John is a dweeb and has nerdy interests, would Cathy be better off having him as a fanged creature?  Why aren't nurses in movies clad in white and attractive anymore?  This is a good one.  Some may enjoy it in a MST3K type of view, but it is a terrific creature film, although the creature f/x are kind of lacking. See "The Bat People" and avoid most of those new "Batman" movies.