Silent Thunder, True Gritt Meets Feast

Gotta love non-woke westerns!  We have brutes with guns (pistols and rifles).  We have dancehall girls who dance and engage in carnal relations.  We have stagecoaches.  We have bank robbers and a tough U.S. Marshal bringing them in for justice. The men smell like dirty underwear and the dames smell like lavender.  Today's westerns preach to us about racism and why men should take on a more feminine demeanor. Yuck. Today we look at a non-woke 2023 western. Oh!  Did I mention the monsters?  Our feature today is "Silent Thunder," directed by Isaac Medeiros. To you snowflakes out there, there are no forced plot lines containing social justice themes.

Tough U.S. Marshal, Spencer Sunday (Ted McGinley) is bringing in two bank robbers. Both Don (Jack Lucarelli) and Quinn (Jonathan Stoddard) will face the hangman's noose.  On the way, they stop at an outpost for drink and to let the horses rest.  At this saloon the trio is told about monsters in the nearby hills that snatch sultry dancehall damsels, rape them, then eat them after they give birth to baby monsters. Guess what! Also arriving is a stage with five sultry dancehall damsels who will ply their trade at a nearby saloon. Quinn and Don plot to murder Spencer and escape with their lives. Spencer is way ahead of them. The next day, the gals set off in the same stage only to be abducted by the aforementioned monsters...or dog men. 

Yep, the dog men plan to either disembowel, and eat them, or rape them. In non woke movies, men are men. They see a babe damsel and automatically set out to save her. Thus our unlikely trio turns into a posse and follows the tracks of the dog men. What they find will be horrifying. I should talk about a couple of these dancehall dolls. Mary (Laura James) is sultry.  She seems to be the boss.  Quinn and her have a history but we're not sure if Mary wants him to be free or to be hung. Amethyst (Cassi Colvin) comes from a family of witches. She takes a liking to Spencer...and he, of course, to her. We take a liking to all five babes.  The cheesecake in this film is off the chart.  When the trio reaches the dog men and sees what they are doing and are about to do to the beauties, they act like real men.

Guns will be blazing.  Garters and undergarments will get rough workouts.  Gunfights will abound.  Dog men will do what dog men do...and it won't be pretty.  For a terrific western, with outstanding cheesecake, and no woke themes, see "Silent Thunder."

The Cyclops, One-Eyed Monster Loves Gloria Talbott

"In the kingdom of the Blind, the one-eyed man reigns supreme." A high school tennis coach told me that once. However, this Gloria Talbott film sheds some light on that maxim. Perhaps it is not the one-eyed man, but the giant tarantula, or the giant lizard monsters, or the hawk as big as a skyscraper, or the gigantic mouse that reign supreme.  Just like Fay Wray in "King Kong," Gloria Talbott will be the babe in peril.  Today we look at 1957's "The Cyclops," directed by Bert I. Gordon.

Susan (Talbott) is sad. Three years ago, her fiancé Bruce went flying into a sacred and off-limits part of the Mexican mountains and never came back. Everyone knows he's dead but Susan believes him alive and hires a few blokes to go with her and look for him. One of the blokes is Bruce's best friend who now is in love with Susan. Russ (James Craig) is a hunk scientist and is anxious for Susan to move on from Bruce and marry him. Marty (Lon Chaney, Jr.) has funded this mission with an ulterior motive. Marty believes he can strike it rich finding Uranium lodes. Lee (Tom Drake) is the daring pilot. The Mexican government forbids Susan to fly into these mountains but Lee's daring gets the party there anyway. Immediately giant lizards appear...and a giant tarantula...and, well, let's just say all those monsters mentioned above make the search a bit perilous.

Then the cyclops. 25-foot tall with a messed up face in which only one eye remains.  The thing growls and howls and chases Susan and her party into a cave.  Uh oh.  Yep.  Russ and Marty take radiation readings and conclude all life forms have had their pituitary glands messed up. Yep, the living things will just keep growing.  Even scarier, Russ makes a realization about this cyclops.  Is Susan ready to hear his theory?  Yep, you guessed it.

Is one of the reasons that Susan refuses to understand that this 25 foot monster is her husband because having a 25 foot guy in the marital bed with his giant...wait...I withdraw this question.  Is there any hope to rescue Bruce, bring him to New York, and put him on display?  Will Russ finally get lucky with Susan or will she be insistent that her husband is still alive?  Gloria Talbott is sultry and always a pleasure to see on the big screen.  The creature effects are gruesome and scary.  See "The Cyclops" and try to figure out how a 25-foot guy would perform...I didn't say that...stupid auto-correct. 

Deranged, Necrophilia and Graverobbing

"The wages of sin is gonorrhea, syphilis, and death." So we are reminded by Ma Cobb (Cosette Lee) several times in this film.  The old bitty will also tell us all women are whores.  Let's not argue with these points, they do merit serious discussion.  Instead, let us dive into today's film.  This 1974 drive-in classic will disturb you. Yep, one of those films that if one is unstable, it'll push him over the edge to commit heinous acts of depravity.  Fortunately, in 1974, at the drive-ins, most people in the audience were making whoopee instead watching the movie.  Today, however, the insanity and derangement of the main character will remind one of the current occupant of the White House.  Our feature today, "Deranged," directed by Jeff Gillen and Alan Ormsby. Oh!  Tom Savini was a make-up artist for this film.

The unstable Ezra (Roberts Blossom) is devoted to his prudish mother.  She tells him of what evil women will do to him if he looks at them. She dies and he is upset.  Over a year later, Ezra digs his mom up from the grave, brings her back home, and restores her.  Restores her? Yep...he needs fresh skin and new limbs.  What better place to get these items than from currently alive people. Ezra then begins dating.  Hid dates will find themselves dead and contributing to the mother project. Ezra talks to his mom as if she is alive.  Once the deranged date, there is no turning back.  Interestingly enough, his first date, the fat Maureen (Marian Waldman) is just as crazy as him.  Maureen contacts the dead and tries to get the dead to tell Ezra to have deviant sex with her.  She'll die horribly.

Okay, as the film goes on, the kills get heartbreaking and gratuitous.  By the way, the more Ezra dates ugly women, the more he desires true babes.  We'll meet barmaid Mary (Micki Moore) and hardware store clerk Sally (Pat Orr).  What happens to these two, I must warn you, you will never unsee.  Be warned before putting this film on. What else does Ezra do with the dead bodies he's accumulated from his graverobbing?  Do you have to ask?

Is there any chance the lovely Sally or Mary will survive until the end of the movie?  Does Ma Cobb have a point about women?  I mean, is it a good enough point that we should probably debate the merits of her assertions?  In the interest of respecting all views, perhaps Ezra and his mother should be listened to and given a platform.  Sadly, in 1974, Ezra could legitimately be considered an insaniac.  Today, 50 years later, we elect the likes of Ezra to the highest office.  See "Deranged" if you can prepare yourself from some unhealthy imagery. 

Maid Droid Origins, A Kinky Robot Clad in French Maid Lingerie

As soon as the Japanese invent a babe robot that looks just like a woman...well, sayonara all you Women's Studies majors. Guys are done.  At least, more and more. Dating and flirting are akin to rape in today's woke America. Just wait until men can buy a woman who is not "empowered" or "equal." It's coming.  Last year we reviewed "Maid Droid."  Now we have the prequel, 2024's "Maid Droid Origins," also directed by Rich Mallery.

Eve (Katie Kay) is the aforementioned android, created by scientist Timothy (Brian Brewer). As our film begins Eve strangles to death her owner during deviant sex.  Now Eve is on the run and finds her creator. Timothy is shocked.  He has a babe wife, Belle (Cassie Ghersi) and now he has Eve.  Eve has a bond to him, probably because he had sex with her when he first created her.  Just like a woman...can't just move on. Timothy no longer works for the company that makes these babe robots. They fired him when they caught him having sex with Eve.  Since Eve has killed, the company sends two henchmen to collect her. Hence Eddie (Chris Spinelli) and Sam (Emiko Ishii) show up. Eve is not eager to leave and offs the duo. Now Eve has killed three times...or has she? You'll see.

Belle finds a sleeping Eve in the garage and confronts her husband. The two have a kinky dom-sub relationship which has Timothy getting spanked a lot. They also feud a lot. Eve does not feud with Timothy and now Timothy is getting close to Eve. A catfight coming?  Oh yes!  Eve spends most of the film in French maid lingerie, and Belle is often in very kinky underwear or lingerie.  Timothy continues to get spanked.  Eve continues to take over Timothy's affections.  Belle decides to take matters into her own hands in dealing with the homicidal Eve.  But wait!  Yep...more twists! 

Can Eve be programmed, and Belle convinced that threesomes aren't really a bad thing?  Why is Timothy even bothering with Belle when Eve can be programmed to shut up, not nag, and be more deviant on command?  Will Belle spank Eve?  Okay, these are all prurient questions that should be disregarded.  For a film that will raise so many taboo questions, see "Maid Droid Origins."

Psycho Goth Lolita, Christianity vs. Satanism in Japan

Okay...the title alone will decide if you see this film.  Either you say, "Oh, yes!"  Or you say, "Garbage!" A Japanese one with bladed weapons, severed limbs that spurt out endless amounts of blood, and a nubile lass with some grudge. Anime?  Ryona?  Cosplay?  Yep, all those boxes are checked.  In what has to be the magnum opus of Rina Akiyama, in the title role, we have a weird themed Asian horror film.  One that may put forth Christian themes of salvation, atonement, and judgment (throw in forgiveness, too). Judgment?  Did someone say judgment?  Yep, and it will be bloody!  Today we look at 2010's "Psycho Goth Lolita," directed by Go Ohara.

During Yuki's (Akiyama) birthday party with her mom (Fumia Nukajima) and dad (Yurei Yanagi), a hooded gang storms in and crucifies the mom.  They leave both Yuki and her dad for dead.  Both recover but now the dad, Jiro is wheelchair bound. Jiro is a Christian minister and now Yuki is Psycho Goth Lolita.  Adorned in a black leather dress, and black leather boots, she now has a deadly umbrella made by Jiro.  The umbrella is a killing device.  The duo are committed to tracking down the mom's murderers and imposing judgment on them.  One by one, Yuki finds them.  She is a killing machine meting out God's vengeance on the fiends.  The judgments all include elongated fight scenes and incredibly gory kills complete with severed limbs and spurting blood.

Our favorite is the elongated catfight between Yuki and Elle (Misaki Momose) . The two Asian dolls could have fought all day, none of us would have complained. All this leads to a confrontation with Masato (Ruito Aoyagi).  Who is Masato and why did him and his gang crucify Yuki's sweet mother?  Uh oh!  A twist!  One that most of you will see coming.  Now Yuki will be forced to battle her inner demons and keep serving God.  Uh oh, again.  Masato was expecting the lovely warrior.  What Yuki will find will be demonic, shocking, and may spell the end of her and her quest for righteousness.

Can the Japanese population find salvation through this film?  What are Christian themes doing in this Japanese horror film with a young Ryona-type heroine and spurting blood?  Would a leather clad Asian babe serve the seeker sensitive movement nicely?  Get whatever you wish out of this film.  The imagery isn't all orthodox but certainly, our vengeful nymph with the mean umbrella is definitely on a holy crusade.  See "Psycho Goth Lolita" and don't worry about what your book club buddies think of you. 

Alligator 2: The Mutation

Gotta love mutations in our films.  Beats fields of flowers.  Gotta love alligators in our films.  Beats unicorns.   Gotta love dynamite and rocket launchers in our films.  Beats baguettes and Chardonnay.  Gotta love corrupt mayors and shady real estate developers in our films.  Beats former boyfriends and supportive best friends.  Today we have a man's movie!  Our feature today is 1991's "Alligator 2: The Mutation," directed by Jon Hess.

Two blokes diving outside a sewer runoff for fish are eaten by the mutation. Bummer.  Seems Vinnie (Steve Railsback) is a real estate developer trying to inflict his real estate plan on this Florida town.  He corrupts the mayor (Bill Daily). Now cop David (Joseph Bologna) is on the case when some kid finds one of the diver's legs. Yep, was no boating accident.  David sends the leg to the lab where his wife is the scientist.  Christine (Dee Wallace) tells him it was no boating accident.  Now David tries to get the mayor to call off a festive carnival that will be held by the lake.  The mayor refuses and Vinnie tells the mayor to get rid of the persistent cop. The big alligator, feasting on dumped chemicals eats a homeless encampment.

Rookie cop, Rich (Woody Brown) joins David on his quest to find and kill the monster gator.  His GF is the mayor's daughter, Sheri (Holly Gagnier). Vinnie and the mayor call in a renown gator hunter, Hawk (Richard Lynch) and his boys.  They bring dynamite.  David and Rich already tried dynamite...didn't work. Go figure.  Now Hawk and his boys join forces with the cop duo as the babes, Christine and Sheri, try to stay out of the way and still try to appear useful (a metaphor for successful women in America today).  The gator will get hungrier and decide to go to the carnival.  You can see where this is all going.

Will the cop duo or the gator hunter team kill the mutation?  Will Sheri or Christine actually do anything useful in killing the gator or will they wait at home preparing a pot for gator stew?  Will our real estate developer meet a predictable fate or become the ReMax broker of the year?  This is a fun one.  The cast is sensational and it is always good to see a mutation and a gator, never mind if they are combined into one monster!  See "Alligator 2: The Mutation," and know you have added a level of testosterone in your chemical make-up.

You Shouldn't Have Let Me In, American Babes in Italy Shredded by a Vampire

We have an erotic one today.  An erotic vampire one. What makes a movie erotic.  Well, a few things.  The babes have to be sultry and the guys have to be hunks.  The hunks and babes have to engage in deviant and prolonged pre-marital sex.  The gals need some gratuitous lingerie and very tight slinky garments. Stilettos will help. The guys? Six-pack abs and they have to grunt a lot.  A Tubi Original has captured our arousal factor today, 2024's "You Shouldn't Have Let Me In," directed by Dave Parker.

The sultry but shallow social media influencer, Rochelle (Isabella Egizi), is getting married in Italy.  She rents an old Italian villa/mansion for her bachelorette party. Her buddy, the very sultry Jenny (Anastasiya Bogach) is already there and sultry redhead Kelsey (Diana Gardner) has just arrived.  Breanna (Giulia Nunnari), the sultry party girl in the tight party dress and stilettos?  Already eaten by a vampire at the nightclub she was at last night...so sad. Some tenseness seeps into this reunion of the babes here in Italy. Seems Rochelle (who has over a million followers on Instagram) stole her fiancé Richard (David Nurra) from Kelsey. Oh, also arriving is Blake (Nathaniel Ansbach), the gay friend. The party gets going. Then an invite from the owner of the villa, Victor (Fabian Castro). He's a vampire, but the gals don't know it yet. Meet at a trendy nightclub...the same one Breanna was eaten at.

The booming Techno Rock seems to hypnotize these gals to some semi-lesbian behavior.  There, Victor, the vampire, sets his eyes on Kelsey and entrances her.  He convinces the gals to invite him and his vampire henchmen back to the villa. There, Kelsey will have deviant sex with Victor, Rochelle and Jenny will share some lesbian passion, but not before sex with the two henchmen.  Now Victor moves in to change Kelsey.  How does this go?  Ha!  You'll see. Oh, Blake!  The gay guy!  Guess who else is gay. The sacred knight who's life's mission it is to slay vampires, Dario (Riccardo Angelini). Quite the hunk too, though not a great sacred knight.  It is difficult to find good sacred knights in Europe since the formation of the EU.  There will be passionate pre-marital sex.  Deviant sex.  Lingerie peeled off and thrown across the room. Babes running in stilettos fleeing bloodsuckers. Blood. Throat cuttings. Throats ripped out.

Will Victor be able to turn Kelsey into his vampire bride?  Will Rochelle shed her materialism and narcissism and help save Kelsey from the entrancing vampire?  Why does Tubi or Hollywood seem allergic to making movies with such high babe-factors?  Well, this one has the cheesecake and beefcake which movies of late seem to avoid.  For some erotic bloodsucking, see "You Shouldn't Have Let Me In."