The Lair, Monsters in Afghanistan

So you think you know all you need to know about American involvement in Afghanistan.  Ha!  You obviously did not ask Neil Marshall.  Forget about the Taliban, though they are in our feature today.  Forget about that Usama guy.  Nope  Think alien invasion and Soviet mad scientists  Is "Soviet" and "mad scientist" in the same sentence superfluous?  Oh, for Neil Marshall fans, the heroine in this one is named Kate Sinclair...perhaps a tip of the hat to our favorite Neil Marshall character, Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra).  Our feature today is 2022's "The Lair."

A British fighter jet gets shot down by the Taliban.  The pilot, Kate (Charlotte Kirk) ejects and immediately gets into a firefight with the Taliban.  She kills dozens of them but is chased into a weird Soviet bunker.  Down there, monsters join the war and kill her pursuers, but Kate escapes and is rescued by Americans.  These American troops are not impressive.  They look like the types of troops that idiot General Mark Milley would love.  Of course, Milley is nowhere around...he's probably sipping wine and eating brie at a DC cocktail party as real men and women do the fighting...okay, back to the film.  Yep, the monsters eventually follow Kate and the Americans to their base and attack.  The attack will be brutal and the commanding officer, Finch (Jamie Bamber) figures out what they are and radios American CIA spooks...who are masters in cover-up.  Now Kate, Finch, some British SAS brutes, some American GI rejects, a Taliban guy, and the hunk Sgt Hook (Jonathan Howard) enter into an unwinnable war.

Kate comes up with an idea after learning what these things are.  Aliens from outer space?  Humans who had their genes experimented with?  A Soviet creation?  You'll see.  The brilliant idea is to take the war to the monsters.  They are gnarly and slimy humanoid beasts with long tongues and a probing eyeball...you'll see.  The monsters enjoy eating humans and Kate and the boys have another problem.  The Taliban is on the way.  Bigger problem...the CIA spooks believe in cleaning up their messes and leaving no loose ends.  Yep...A MOAB bomb is also on the way.  What is a MOAB bomb?  You'll see.

Will Kate and the boys defeat the monsters and the Taliban?  Do the monsters want to eat Kate or do they have other plans for her?  Are the monsters a metaphor for the incompetence of General Mark Milley and General Mattis that made the conflict in Afghanistan such an utter failure?  We don't get enough monster in Soviet bunker movies, so enjoy "The Lair."            

Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey, Someone Had a Rotten Childhood

Wow!  I just finished watching today's blog entry.  The creators of this film seemed to have had a rotten childhood.  Either that or they are all divorced men with women issues.  A lot of nubile babes in this film, sadly, they won't just die horribly, they'll be put through the meatgrinder, crushed, beheaded, etc. Okay, I admit...when I was a kid I did find Winnie-the-Pooh annoying and Christopher Robin weird.  Anyone ever wonder what happened when Christopher Robin grew up? Ask no more.  Today we look at 2023's "Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey," directed by Rhys Frake-Waterfeld.

Christopher Robin (Nikolai Leon) brings his attractive wife, Mary (Paula Coiz) into the woods to see where he used to play with  his imaginary friends...Pooh (Craig David Dowsett), Piglet (Chris Cordell), and Eyor.  To Christopher they were real...and Mary is about to find that out. So distraught at being abandoned by Christopher, Pooh and Piglet ate Eyor and have sworn to murder any human they come across.  This won't bode well for Mary who will be caught by Pooh and Piglet, stripped off her bones, and fed to Christopher.  I'm sure this is a metaphor for something. Christopher is left strung up for whipping and other torture. Okay, we meet six or seven babes, most notably Maria (Maria Taylor).  She is brought to a vacation home by her sultry lesbian lover, Jessica (Natasha Rose Mills). Five other babes are invited. Sadly, Tina (May Kelly) will not make it to the cabin as Pooh will put her through a meatgrinder and make sausage out of her...again, this must be some sort of metaphor for unhappy college aged babes.

As Maria reveals her fear of men to Jessica and the other girls, Lara (Natasha Tosini) strips to a bikini and goes to take selfies in the hot tub...bad move.  She'll be carried away by Pooh and Piglet.  One by one, the now monsters go through babes like crap through a goose.  Some will put up a nice fight but as soon as sledgehammers or machetes are introduced into the melee...they will fall. Of course, our two lesbian lovers are on the run after escaping from the makeshift butcher shop, but just how far will they get?  Pooh and Piglet show no signs they can be reasoned with.  But wait!  Christopher Robin escapes his chains and is determined to help the surviving gals.

Is some part of us happy that Christopher Robin is being horrifically tormented for the sins of his past? Is the fate of the babes in this film a metaphor for what a woke culture does to women here in the 2020s?  Did Tina, after made into sausage, taste just like chicken?  This is a bloody and grim one.  The babes in this film may have provided a high cheese factor, but like a good Giallo film, don't get too attached to them.  See "Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey" for gory horror with a high kill count. 

The Killer Trainer, Lose a Few Pounds and Your Life

Just out of a relationship. His fault...not yours. Go back to the gym.  Lose a few pounds.  Get toned in all the right places. Put on some tight pants and a sports bra.  Sweat when the guys come by. Hire a personal trainer. What could go wrong?  Today's film has the answer for that...a lot!  Our feature today is 2018's "The Killer Trainer" (aka "Blood, Sweat, and Lies"), directed by Lane Shefter Bishop.

The sultry Melissa (Hannah Barefoot) dumps her boyfriend of five years. Good move. Now she is convinced by her sultry bestie, Leslie (Briana Lane) to go back to the gym.  The gym is a meat market. The personal trainer at the gym, Trey (Adam Huber) , takes an immediate liking to Melissa...as do we. Now she hires him to get her in better shape.  She'll sweat a lot. He'll look good ordering her around.  She gets in better shape. Uh oh...now it gets creepy.  Trey gives Melissa a bracelet to monitor her vitals.  Trey will keep an eye on these vitals and furiously grunt as Melissa's heart rate spikes during pre-marital sex, not with him though.  See, Melissa likes Trey but is not interested in dating him. Trey is obsessed with Melissa. Melissa finds a new BF, the hunk Adam (Matt Cedeno). Trey is not happy and begins sabotaging Melissa's life.  He'll take over her phone from his laptop and text Adam and Leslie trying to isolate Melissa.

Okay, it gets creepier.  Uh oh...we start to see that Trey's unhealthy attraction to Melissa existed long before she stepped into the club.  Even worse, the peeps in her life, including Adam and Leslie, are in mortal danger.  Viciousness touches all aspects of Melissa's life and it is apparent to her some psycho is after her...though she does not know it is Trey.  I must say Melissa gives us some nice scenes sweating, in tight work-out gear, and in throes of passion.  Trey is beefy, just not Melissa's type.  Unfortunately for Melissa, Trey will force the issue and get increasingly unhinged.

Sweaty babes in tight work-out gear need to make a comeback.  That aerobic gear from the 1980s is so missed.  Will Hannah ever figure out her trainer is a complete whack-ball?  Will there be sweaty sauna scenes?  Will Leslie and Adam survive to the end of the film?  This is a good one, but I must confess... mostly because Hannah Barefoot is quite a dish who looks good in tight work-out gear.  For a gratuitous movie going work-out, see "The Killer Trainer." 

The Stalker Club, Silly and Deadly Games

There is a lot to like about this throwback to 80s slasher films.  First, a great looking cast filled with young babes and hunks.  Second, a nice death count.  Third, a slasher who is actually a slasher, wielding a big knife and wearing a mask. Then cheerleaders. Cheerleaders? Yep. They have nothing to do with the film but make it to several of the scenes as background extras.  Hey, why not?  They could have used fat women with purple hair and piercings...yuck!  Today we look at the high school slasher film, 2017's "The Stalker Club," directed by Doug Campbell.

A high school clique of five friends all receive a mysterious text.  The text, from an unknown caller, invites them to join the Stalker Club.  High school kids tend to be idiots and in this film, this maxim is no exception...thus, all join. Game on. The rules? never mind, suffice it to say the five kids are then all stalked by a knife wielding, mask wearing stalker. Ashley (Kelcie Stranahan) is the babe we glob onto.  She is pretty and has a sad back story.  Her mom, Karen (Maeve Quinlan) has juts begun to date again after Ashley's father died two years ago. Darren (TJ Neal) is quite the cute hunk and seems hot for Ashley.  He also emerges as the #1 suspect. Chloe (Alex Frnka) is the sultry, stuck-up friend who is mean to everyone. Sadie (Lora McHugh) is a redheaded cutter and her chances of seeing the end credits are non-existent.  Then Mark (Paul Karmiryan) is the hunk BF of Chloe...but Chloe does not seem that in to him.

Each teen begins seeing the stalker outside their houses, and sometimes, inside their houses. Then the killings begin.  One by one the teens are preyed upon.  Everyone, except Ashley is suspect, even some teachers and parents. Oh, gratuitous cheerleader in the background shots will be appreciated...though, none will be harmed in the making of this movie. Ashley switches between smooching with Darren to accusing him of being the stalker.  Chloe looks like she wants to murder everyone, but then again, what high school babe doesn't?  Sadie and Mark are listed way down in the credits...so what does that tell you?  The knife is big and blood will flow.

Just who is the slasher and is there a reason he or she invited these kids to join the Stalker Club? Are one of these teens the stalker?  If cheerleaders were used the same way in Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon," would that have been a film we would have wanted to see?  For some gratuitous teen-age cheese and beef, and a lot of slashing, see "The Stalker Club."

The Lurker, A Mess with Scout Taylor-Compton

Okay...get over it.  It is better than those "Star Wars" monstrosities or that stupid TV show "The Mandolorian." Oh, you fans of the Marvel Universe! You have no credibility to hate on our feature today.  Sure, five of the ten most annoying character portrayals in film history are in this film today...and Liam Neeson isn't even in it. We do have an astronomical death count.  We have decapitations, chainsaws, big knives, high school babes and hunks dying in gory fashion, and each one of those annoying characters... well, they get it real good. Our feature today is the Scout Taylor-Compton 2019 slasher epic, "The Lurker," directed by Eric Liberacki...no, not the pianist guy.

Scout Taylor-Compton! She plays Taylor.  My goodness.  Okay, maybe she just got out of rehab or something, don't hate her because of this film. She's a high school student starring in the student production of "Romeo & Juliet." She's Juliet...a rather chunky Juliet, but there I go...can't go a sentence without body shaming someone, can I? Oh, she has a secret.  Secret is a relative term...everyone knows what it is and everyone is blackmailing her...and guess who begins dying?  Yep...her sultry classmates.  What is the secret? Or, non-secret? If everyone who knows is killed off, this will be the bloodiest slasher film of all time. That is what we are watching when we put this film on.

The Romeo of the play, a hunk named Miles (Michael Emery) knows the secret. He wants pre-marital sex with Taylor to keep it hush hush. His dad is played by Bruce Speilbauer...and you will want to jump into your TV screen and strangle him yourself.  Fear not...he won't last. Beheadings, throats slashed, guttings, and beautiful high school students getting their faces dumped in chemicals await. Oh, the production that stars Miles and Taylor? Well, Shakespeare is vomiting in his grave...you'll see as the most awkward dance scene will play out before your very eyes. 

Is Taylor the slasher or is that too easy?  What is Taylor's secret and how could it still be considered a secret if everyone knows what it is? Did anyone ever mention continuity during the production of this film? If you see Scout Taylor-Compton at a horror convention, do not mention this movie or she might have security remove you.  However, if you want a slasher film with dozens of gory kills and buckets of blood, see "The Lurker." 

The Beast of Borneo, Mad Scientist Searches for Missing Link

A mad scientist has almost explained evolution...he just needs one more link. The link? Yep, the proverbial missing link. Over the past 150 or so years, many have claimed to have found the missing link. The trash magazine (now E-Zine) Newsweek has a story once a year about how scientists have finally found the missing link proving Darwin correct.  PC academics have all but rid Darwin out of academic halls as too many uncomfortable questions are posed by this loon from the 19th century. In these films, when a mad scientist finds what he is looking for, you can believe some sultry blonde will be in big danger. Our feature today is 1934's "The Beast of Borneo," directed by Harry Garson.

Dr. Boris Borodoff (Eugene Sigaloff) needs a real ape.  More specifically, he needs the elusive Orang-Utan, which has just been spotted deep in Borneo's jungles.  Him and his babe blonde assistant, Alma (Mae Stuart) travel to Borneo to capture the ape. They try to hire the hunk hunter Bob (John Preston), but he isn't interested.  Never fear, Alma seduces him, and now Bob is on board. Alma!  Wow!  A real dish! She's blonde and we wonder if the elusive ape will pull her into the jungle, strip her, and awaken forbidden desires...taboo desires deep within her womanhood.  We wonder, but this film is from 1934...so we will continue to wonder. Bob agrees to take the mad scientist and Alma deep into the jungle of Borneo to trap the Orang-Utan. A team of natives will accompany them.  Here, we wonder if the natives, seeing a blonde babe for the first time, will drag Alma into the jungle, rip her clothes off, and awaken forbidden and taboo desires inside her being, and...well, this is a 1934 film, so never mind.

Bob and Alma fall in love.  At this point we wonder if Bob will gather Alma in his arms, strip her, pull her into the jungle, and awaken forbidden...okay, I need to stop this silliness, I know. Now Dr. Borodoff is set on doing weird brain experiments on the Orang-Utan.  Bob and Alma are horrified when they see the mad scientist's cranial saw.  Poor Borodoff, he really thought he had a shot at pulling Alma into the jungle, stripping her and awakening forbidden desires deep inside her womanhood.  Fat chance, she's way out of his league.  Bob's crush on Alma will put Bob in danger...and also the existence of the rarest of the rare primates.

Will anyone succeed in awakening forbidden instincts in the blonde babe who has been lured into this jungle?  Will the mad scientist succeed in doing brain surgery on the big ape?  Will Bob and Alma get together and engage in a semi-clean cut courtship?  This 1934 film is so much fun and we can only imagine what Roger Corman would have done with this plot, or The Asylum.  See "The Beast of Borneo," and pine for more beautiful blondes in forbidden jungle films. 

Hollywood Kills, Psycho Moviemaker

Erica and Lisa Kim. Hot Asian babes. In the film we're about to look at they play The Fantasy Twins. Alas, they are beautiful and interesting. Perhaps WOW or a revamped GLOW needs to hire them to be a tag team duo. So what do they have to do with today's film? That's debatable, but one may say "not much." Still, they are hot Asian babes that are in the film a lot. So here's to Erica and Lisa, may they show up as an Asian babe tag team duo in an upcoming women's wrestling circuit. Our feature today is the very grim and dark 2006 "Hollywood Kills," directed by Sven Pape.

Francis Fenway (Dominic Keating) is a horror movie maker. He owns a big building in which he has many sets. As the film begins, aspiring actress Sheila Monroe (Heather Sossaman) is tortured to death. So sad. Now Francis needs more actors and actresses to do this too. He's a psychopathic sadist. He scours trendy clubs and invites a select few to his set for an after-party. Aspiring babe actress Chantel Sholay (Gillian Shure), aspiring writer/director Sarah (Angela DiMarco), her brother James (Happy Mahaney), and his buddy Vaughn  (Mathew Scollon) are the "lucky" ones. They arrive and meet their host, Francis, and the two babes filming their every move, the aforementioned Fantasy Twins. Immediately they are drugged and each wake in a room where they will endure unimaginable torture and pain.

Vaughn must worry about castration from a hired prostitute (Jazmin Daley). This is a painful scene to watch. Chantel will be humiliated as she is forced to do a pole dance for a corpse then viciously raped by hunk actor Nick (Zack Ward). James? You'll see. Sarah? The most painful fate.  Think a lot of needles and her eyelids forced open with a couple of those needles. Francis seems to get off on pain, humiliation, and torture. The whacko moviemaker forces Sarah to watch as each of her buddies is beset by the torture.  Where does this all lead. Nope, this is not the feel good film of 2006.  Torture porn movies are rarely the feel good films of any year. You'll squirm and desire to see more of the Fantasy twins.

Is there a catfight brewing, maybe a tag team one, between the Fantasy Twins and Sarah and Chantel? Is it possible to humiliate an aspiring babe actress willing to do anything to get in a film? Will either of the hunks have what it takes to save the beset babes? This is an ominous and dark one. There will be no humor or wit...just gore and torture. Be warned. For a horrific horror film, with no amusement or brevity, see "Hollywood Kills."