Cannibal Hookers, Sorority Zombies

We think of the 1990s as the Straight to Video Era. But, this era actually began in the late 80s, as our film today proves. We'll have sorority sisters, hookers, a cannibal cult of sultry babes, and hunks waiting to be eaten, literally and figuratively. Nudity and gore will rule this one as will disembowelment, deviant sex, ritualistic sacrifice, and axe murders. Today we look at 1987's "Cannibal Hookers" (on Tubi as "I Will Dance on Your Grave: Cannibal Hookers"), directed by Donald Farmer. 

The sultry freshman coed Hilary (Amy Waddell) and her sultry bestie, Dee Dee (Annette Munro) desire to pledge the Gamma Zeta Beta Sorority. The bitchy, but sultry president, Stephanie (Sheila Best), has just the initiation planned. Dee Dee and Hilary are to dress as whores and pick up tricks. They do this and bring the boys to a weird mansion (the address was given to them by Stephanie. Uh oh...the mansion is the home of a weird cannibal-babe cult). Unfortunately for Dwight (Matt Borlenghi), he'll be gutted and eaten after being tied to an altar.  This is something we will see a lot of. The cult is run by hooker-cannibal Carmilla (Diana Cruz), and she is quite the babe.  Dee Dee and Hilary do not know about this cult as their assignment was just to bring their guys to this mansion.

Now the pledge duo is on the radar of the cult and Carmilla wants them.  Carmilla makes one of their friends a zombie and sends him after Dee Dee.  Now Dee Dee is a cultist and she is sent to seduce and bite Hilary.  This one will get quite erotic. Hilary will end up in the bathroom with Stephanie with the desire to eat her...but will that be literally or figuratively? Carmilla and her cult seem unstoppable and Dee Dee and Hilary seem to be goners as far as their humanity goes.  Ah!  But wait!  Lobo (Gary J. Levinson) is Carmilla's henchman.  He looks like a Lobo and hungers for sex with Carmilla.  The ugly brute is just a little tired of being put off by the babe cult leader.  You'll see what happens.

Will Dee Dee and Hilary emerge as normal nymphomaniac coeds again? With an unstable Lobo desiring deviant sex will Carmilla have just teased him one too many times?  What will happen in the bathroom as Hilary goes to eat Stephanie?  This one will have a lot of leather, bondage, handcuffs, and daggers. Erotic, gory, and very satisfying, "Cannibal Hookers" is a perfect date night film to get you in the mood for necking and...well, you figure it out.    

Beyond Atlantis, Bikini Babe in Great Peril

This one from the Philippines will either make you cry or laugh your head off. You'll see. We should compliment the sultry Leigh Christian, who stars and spends the whole film wet, shiny, and clad in a bikini. She'll also have one of the best catfights in movie history with sultry redhead Lenore Stevens. Director Eddie Romero, we've done many of his films on this blog, knows how to use cheese in his films. Ms. Christian seems all too happy to give the camera a great view of her groin...now that is an empowered actress! Our feature today is 1973's "Beyond Atlantis."

Let us discuss Syrene first (Christian). She is the Princess at this uncharted island that is host for cast-offs from Atlantis. Her dad, Nereus (George Nader) orders her to mate with a non-native. See, all the natives, except Syrene, are bug-eyed mutants. Sure from the neck down the women are babes and men are hunks, but those bug eyes are difficult to overlook. Syrene's pickings are not great until a band of criminals and assorted others arrive. Eddie (Sid Haig) wants the valuable pearls in the waters of this island. His partner is hunk Logan (John Ashley).  They hire a diver, Vic (Patrick Wayne), hunk. Oh yes, the sultry redhead anthropologist Kathy (Stevens) forces her way in on this. She is fascinated with the possibility of discovering the last lost tribe of Atlantis.

The intruders arrive and begin collecting pearls. Syrene sees an opportunity to mate with a non-mutant in Vic. Uh oh...Vic has no interest in her. Syrene is not happy and will see Kathy and Vic frolic and probably have pre-marital sex underneath the water...a very gratuitous scene topped only by Syrene's underwater scene with her kicking legs and thrusting pelvis. Now Syrene wants to kill Kathy...women! Eddie and Logan get greedier and refuse to leave without more pearls. A war is brewing between natives and criminals. A more interesting war is brewing between Kathy and Syrene. The catfight promises bikinis, wet bodies, pulling hair, and arousal. 

Will Eddie and Logan make off with the mother lode of pearls? Will either babe murder the other one? Will Vic, our hunk good guy, end up with both babes or will he have to settle for the winner? The ending will surprise you. For a gratuitous good time, and some great cheese behaving badly and seductively, see "Beyond Atlantis."

Fright, Susan George in Great Peril

Is there anyone sexier with crooked teeth than Susan George? The sultry English actress is a master at playing the damsel in great distress. Today we look at one of these films, though we have looked at several before on this blog. She'll spend the entire film in a slightly tight knit miniskirt dress with some nice shiny black go-go boots. This is the way we want Susan George. To no one's surprise many in this film will try to rip this get-up off of her. To the fairness of the guys in this film, she won't always mind. Our feature today is the 1971 thriller "Fright," directed by Peter Collinson.

Sultry Amanda (George), a university student, is hired by Helen (Honor Blackman) to babysit her toddler son (Tara Collinson). Helen is going out with someone we believe to be her husband, Jim (George Cole). Jim is excited about going out with the beautiful Helen but Helen is apprehensive about leaving her son. Her cavernous old home is isolated and miles from the nearest neighbor. Oh! Jim?  Not Helen's husband. At least not yet. Brian (Ian Bannen) is Helen's husband, or was.  The divorce just went through. Brian is criminally insane and is locked up in an asylum because he tried to murder Helen.  That is...he was locked up before his daring escape. Now he is heading back to the house as Jim and Helen do not know of the escape. Also not knowing of the escape is Chris (Dennis Waterman).  See...Amanda is charming but also a naughty minx.

Chris, to Amanda's apparent annoyance, shows up at the house. Amanda is not really annoyed and soon allows Chris to gratuitously paw and grope her. Unfortunately for Chris, Brian arrives.  Now Chris resembles a hairy blob of strawberry ice cream and Brian believes Amanda is Helen. This won't bode well for Amanda.  He'll do all sorts of awful and dirty things to her. She'll run around in that get-up she's in, though by the time Brian gets through with her it will practically be falling off of her. She'll scream, try to protect the toddler, and then try to use psychology to fool Brian.  Brian gets more and more insane the longer he is with Amanda.  Helen and Jim? They'll be back...you'll see. Ian Bannen is so terrific as the psycho...and alas, he will do all sorts of awful things to pretty Amanda. I guess I already said that...still...

Will Amanda be able to protect Helen's toddler from the madman that has invaded the house? Was intimacy with the nubile but slutty Amanda worth the bloody pummeling for Chris? Will Brian ever be able to be reasoned with or is he just too far gone? Susan George is incredibly sexy in this film and any fan of hers must put "Fright" on their must see list.

Victor Crowley, He Always Returns

The "Hatchet" films, I believe there were three, were terrific. Babes, hunks, extreme gore, and a seemingly invincible slasher...what a great recipe.  The franchise seemingly ended in 2013, but these franchises never end.  With some nice cameos by Danielle Harris and Tony Todd...and the return of Kane Hodder as the fiend, a fourth one was made.  Today we look at 2017's "Victor Crowley," directed by Adam Green.  The babe, hunk, and gore factor all return.

Andrew (Parry Shen) has been capitalizing on his survivor fame for the past ten years.  He is humiliated on a talk show hosted by his ex, Sabrina (Krystal Joy Brown).  Needing cash, Andrew is convinced by his publicist, Kathleen (Felissa Rose) to do an interview at the Louisiana swamp that hosted all those murders. The private jet he is on crashes in the swamp as voodoo incantations bring back Victor (Hodder).  Also just happening to be at the swamp, as moviemakers, are babe director Chloe (Katie Booth), her male lead Alex (Chase Williamson), and the spunky make-up babe Rose (Laura Ortiz).  They will be joined by Victor Crowley gift show proprietor Dillon (Dave Sheridan) who will star in the film.  With a plane down, and the babe Casey (Tiffany Shepis) drowning in it, Victor appears.  

What happens next is so sad...and fun. Victor trims down the movie cast and crew but Rose runs away in time and joins the plane crash survivors.  Dillon has a boat and makes it to the crash site to find survivors which include Andrew, Kathleen, Casey, Sabrina and so many others.  One by one, Victor picks them off in extremely gory fashion.  The howling fiend seems unstoppable.  We cheer for Rose, as we like her the best and pray she will be the final girl.  Final girl? Remember Danielle Harris from the other films? Yep, you'll see her in this one, too. Sadly, but predictably, the cheesecake and beefcake will die horribly... or at least most of them.

Gory to the max!  A large body count!  A sandblaster!  A hatchet! Love in the swamp!  Will Rose emerge as another Danielle Harris final girl type character?  Will Andrew keep surviving these encounters with Victor?  Even though its been seven years, can we expect to see a fifth "Hatchet" film?  For some great gore, very attractive characters, a good dose of comedy, and some hall-of-fame type slasher film stars, see "Victor Crowley."     

Vicious Lips, Space Rock Sheena Easton Style

When was the last time you thought of Sheena Easton?  Okay, the Scottish sweetheart has not stayed in our consciousness as the Post-Modern Era has erased all beauty from our entertainment industry. Today we have vile monstrosities in western music. Madonna is a beast...Taylor Swift is a woke idiot...Lady Gaga is a creation no one wanted...and Katie Perry is a joke we're in the process of trying to forget. With a 1980s budget, our filmmakers today probably could not get Sheena Easton, hence the very lovely and nubile Dru-Anne Perry suffices nicely in our scifi/music/monster feature, 1986's "Vicious Lips," directed by Albert Pyun.

The all-girl band Vicious Lips has a chance to make it big. Their manager, Matty (Anthony Kents) had a deal with babe-promoter Maxine (Mary-Anne Graves) for a gig on a distant planet. The gals have a problem, their lead singer has just been run over by a bus. Now Matty combs the city for a new lead singer and finds Judy Jetson (Perry) performing at a community talent show. He absconds with her and introduces the babe to Bree (Gina Calabrese), Wynzi (Linda Kerridge), and Mandaa (Shayne Farris). The babes are kind of cold to their new and unknown lead singer. Surprise!  She's a hit and Maxine is pleased at the find.

Uh oh...to get to the gig on the distant world, Matty steals a spaceship. The ship is hit by asteroids and crash-lands on a desert planet. What's worse, the cargo hold has a deadly and homicidal creature (Christian Andrews) in it. Now the monster is loose and wants to eat the gals. Matty is sent to find help and is captured by almost naked space sirens...lucky him. Judy has tiffs and catfights with her band members. Now the creature seems to take a hungry interest in Judy and chases her.  What happens next is quite psychedelic and dreamy...just like the music of Vicious Lips.  The monster will be joined in his pursuit of these lovelies, most notably Judy, and now Judy also is pawed and drooled on by mutants on this planet.

Will Vicious Lips ever get off this planet and make it to their gig?  Will a gratuitous shower scene join the catfighting scene to make this the musical movie event of the 80s? Will the Post-Modern Era in America ever end, allowing us to enjoy beauty and art again? This is a fine film, better enjoyed today, with catfights and gratuitous plot devices. See "Vicious Lips" and then go find all the Miami Vice episodes that featured Sheena Easton. 

Piranha Women, Sulty Dames with Teeth in Weird Places

Today we go back to our buddies at Full Moon and Charles Band. Sultry dames, naked a lot, with piranha teeth in their mouths and mouths on their...well...you can guess...but its naughty.  Yep, a plot we actually wanted to see.  Today we look at 2022's "Piranha Women" directed by Fred Olen Ray and starring a bunch of dames that in the day could have been Playboy bunnies!  Do they still have Playboy bunnies?

As our film begins a convention attendee (Houston Rhines) breaks away from lectures and finds himself at a seaside bar. He is picked up by the sultry Shawna (Keep Chambers). She'll bring him back to her place, get naked with him in her pool, and eat his tally-whacker off. A morality tale?  Perhaps. Lexi (Sof Puchley) is dying and doctors can't help her. She goes to a mad scientist who has a new experimental treatment. Right!  Piranha DNA.  Soon, she is a piranha woman along with Shawna and babe Allison (Carrie Overgaard). They lure men home, get them in their pool, or naked in bed, and eat them with their three mouths. The gals treated by Dr. Sinclair (Shary Nassimi) live in the same house and feed on guys from the aforementioned bars.

Uh oh...Lexi's fiancé Richard (Bobby Rice) misses the now missing babe. He searches for her and traces her steps to Sinclair's offices.  Sinclair does not need to be discovered and sends Allison after him. The gals will feast on more men...a metaphor for California girls? Oh, we'll get, thanks to Mr. Ray, gratuitous skinny dipping scenes and blood covered nudity. The cops now believe Richard is the killer and begin following him.  Richard is smart...he figures out the weakness of the piranha women but their seduction capability may give them the ultimate advantage.

Any chance Richard pries Lexi out of the influence of Shawna and Allison?  Is being eaten by the three toothy mouths of the piranha women a desired way to go?  Would piranha men have toothy mouths on their tally-whackers? Okay, silly question. A loose remake of Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon," "Piranha Women" is a must see if you ever enjoyed Full Moon Entertainment movies.

Shark Island, Bikini Models Shredded

Okay, we have a shark movie.  Yes, a lot of peeps will be eaten by sharks. Yes there is a plot to all this. But most of all we have a gratuitous film about bikini models in great peril.  Many of the babes, Giallo style, will die horribly.  Consider this one the magnum opus of Erin Alvey O'Sullivan!  Sure, some cynics may actually call this one the magnum opus of Poi Haywood!  Who are these women? Bikini babes! Here's a bonus...Michael Pare is in this and he plays a PTSD ridden crackpot.  Today we look at 2024's "Shark Island," directed by Stephen Scruffy Edgewood. 

Supermodel Juliet (O'Sullivan) flies to Thailand to do a shoot with a $10 million rare necklace. Don't ask.  Joining her on the shoot are Thai supermodel Remmy (Haywood), Russian beauty Nadya (Alexandra Merle), and Sky (Zara Dragon). Oh! You'll like this...Sky and Nadya are bisexual. Sharks don't care. Meeting them is local Dinah (Selina Wiesmann), who could be a supermodel, and takes a liking to Juliet. She is a gofer for the models. The models will be boated to Shark Island for the shoot. No cell service there. Zack (Paul Collett) is their security guy, and the security guy for the necklace. Anton (Wayne Han) is the photographer who no one trusts and Bret (Russell Geoffrey Banks) is the safety diver who will protect the babes from the sharks.

Okay...gratuitous photo shoots follow. The bikinis are fantastic. Sky and Nadya will find one another. Paul and Juliet seem to bond nicely. Anton and Bret yell at everyone. Oh!  Hoodlums are on the island and tried to kill Charlie (Pare). Let's forget about this plot device, it really is not important. The gals go goo-goo over this necklace and someone steals it. Who?  Now the babes start dying. Butcher knives, sharks, and appendicitis are rough on cheesecake.  Juliet keeps her coolness and looks great in this blue bikini thing. Sharks don't care...they are hungry. Sharks eat more people and the bikini babes look great posing and dying.  Okay, that's enough.

Just what does the PTSD-ridden Charlie have to do with this plot?  Will any of the bikini babes make it to the end credits?  Just what is the deal with this $10 million necklace?  As far as cheesecake goes, this is the best film of 2024.  For a gratuitous good time with bikini models, Michael Pare...and sharks, see "Shark Island."   

Homecoming Massacre, A Squirm Inducing Family Massacre Tale

We have an uncomfortable one today.  Every character in this slasher film will make you squirm. This won't be an easy one to watch and there won't be much love for it.  Still, it has gore, the taboo, and a hot Asian chick with nothing to do with the plot served up on a buffet of carnage. So come on down from your emotional high and read this review of 2020's "Homecoming Massacre," directed by Kenny White.

Jonathan (Derek Wynn) is a homicidal psycho.  His psychiatrist (Jeff Angel) does not agree. This shrink is almost as wrong and incompetent as Dr. Fauci. See, 10 years ago, Jonathan butchered his mom's (Angela Denton) boyfriend (Dave Charles). He had it coming. The goon was raping her. Then, still on his sugar high, Jonathan butchered his mom. He did not just butcher his mom. He carved her face off, raped the corpse, and ate her. Yeah...this kid can be rehabilitated.  Idiot aunt, Mary (Cindy Maples) thinks Jonathan is cured of his insanity 10 years after the crime. Now she, with no support from anyone else in her family, adopts Jonathan and has him come live with them. Is Jonathan still insane? Is he still homicidal? YES!!!

Jonathan looks even more insane than Anthony Perkins did in the last scene of "Psycho." At risk are the family members.  The skank teenage daughter, Kathryn (Amanda Winston), and the idiot teenage brother Corey (Brandon Benz).  The dad Stephen (Paul Nicely) never wanted this new addition to the family.  Then the friends of the kids including Corey's skank girlfriend Pam (Lisa Kwon) will be thrown into the mix. Snaps?  No, Jonathan does not snap...he just fulfills his job description. Psycho slashers do what psycho slashers do!  What unfolds over the final 30 minutes will not be easy to watch.  Look for twists or reasons to feel relieved or better about the human race...you'll be searching in vain.

Will anyone survive the oncoming massacre that will befall Jonathan's new family?  Is Mary a bigger psycho than Jonathan for believing the Fauci-style shrink in this film? Is the gratuitous nudity of the female characters in this film something that will make us feel better about what we see unfolding before our very eyes?  This will be a tough watch and not the feel good film of 2020.  Given what a downer year 2020 was, this movie is more uplifting than watching Fauci yap on TV everyday.  See "Homecoming Massacre" and feel extremely dirty.

Aquarium of the Dead, Zombie Starfish

Back in the early 1970s the great ocean idiot Jacques Cousteau ranted that in ten years all the worlds oceans would be reduced to black goo. Today, no one even brings up Cousteau's name as the early 1980s came and went and no black goo.  Go figure. The more pertinent warning comes to us from our buddies at The Asylum in this 2021 film sure to warm the heart of all you zombie apocalypse fans..."Aquarium of the Dead," directed by Glenn Miller (no...not that one). Fans of "Zoombies," "Zoombies 2," and "Zombeavers" will want to pay special attention to this one.

A California aquarium is now in lockdown.  A medicine for the fish has been used that causes them to die and become zombies! Yes...crabs, dolphins, octopus, starfish, otters, a walrus, a crocodile, and Mako sharks. As the octopus begins the feeding frenzy, killing two marine biologists, babe marine biologist Karen (Madeleine Falk) runs in and announces something is going on. Yep...the dead are coming back to life. The octopus follows her in and appears to be the ringleader. Meanwhile, Daniel (D.C. Douglas) is a tour guide, a gruff one, and is showing Skyler (Brandon Lee Ward) around, will find themselves fighting off zombie crabs, the croc, and eventually the octopus.

In another part of the aquarium the sultry Miranda (Eva Ceja) is touring a senator (Anthony Jensen) and his babe aide Beth (Erica Duke) around. The aquarium needs your tax dollars and Miranda is trying to get them. Quickly a barrage of zombie starfish attack. Mako sharks and a walrus will also play havoc on this little tour group. In the control room is Clu (Viveca A. Fox) who is trying to get the electronics back on line so she can open all the emergency exit doors. The octopus slimes the entire control room and seems to have it in for Clu. There is another problem.  The aquarium scientists cannot allow the specimens to find their way into the ocean or...well, you can guess.

Gritty reality and a morality tale for our day, this is a sensational movie and one may say the magnum opus for Eva Ceja.  Or, one may not say that.  Will the octopus and starfish ever turn on the walrus and the croc?  Will the senator use the occasion to sexually harass Miranda or Karen?  What is going on at a nearby zoo (this film takes place in San Diego)?  For a great effort by The Asylum, take a look at "Aquarium of the Dead" and wonder if it is a metaphor for our once great aquariums who have now eliminated the orca shows.

Bittertooth, Podcasters and Serial Killers

Let me vent. You go to Costco. Guy in front of you in line, looks normal. He's not. He's a total psycho. Gal behind you in same line, looks normal. She's not...she's psycho! Okay, good segue into our film today. When two podcaster babes delve into the sub-genre of true crime, they will get a little too close to an actual serial killer. But wait! Don't we all go a little psycho sometimes?  Should we be quick to judge those we call psychos? Don't serial killers have worth?  Aren't we all just one traumatic event from being one ourselves? Let us be inclusive of the psycho-community as we look at a 2023's Monte Light film, "Bittertooth."

Only Fans model Ivy (Autumn Ivy) teams up with hot Asian babe Mia (Genevieve Thomas, aka Autumn Lee) to chronicle the most infamous serial killers in their true crime podcast. Both are "survivors," and have prevailed through horrible crimes. Meanwhile, serial killer David Lee Dawes (Joe Altieri) murders his latest babe victim (Michaela Ivey) on his farm. Uh oh for David, our two babe podcasters decide to pry into the murders committed by him. The cops label the murderer the Bittertooth killer. Guess what!  Ivy is boinking David Lee's son, Flint (Justin Michael Terry). Flint? Hunk! Seemingly sane, but who in our lives is really sane? Okay, editorial comment...disregard! Flint plots with Ivy to hand his dad over to them.  Catching and proving David as a serial killer would be big for likes, views, and sponsorships. Uh oh again, the woke biases of Mia and Ivy may serve to skew their semi-good judgment...you'll see.

We get a good look at Mia's history...or so we think.  We get a good look at Ivy's history...or so we think. Twists will abound and Monte Light will take you on a horrific ride where nothing is as it seemed. Fear not...there will be gore.  There will be murder.  There will be a chainsaw. There will also be a final confrontation though it may surprise you who it is between.  Ivy and Mia will place themselves in great danger as David Lee is quite the experienced serial killer.  Everything else in this film will have to settle around that. 

Will pretty and vulnerable Mia stand a chance against the brutality of the situation Ivy has got her into? Are Ivy's ambitions for this fledgling podcast going to serve as her downfall as the subject matter comes knocking on her door?  Here's the big question...just who are the psychos in this film? Surprising, shocking, and brutal, see "Bittertooth" and be prepared to scream "OMG!" BTW...kudos to Joe Altieri for his fine rendition of one of my favorite hymns toward the end of this film!

Subspecies, Vampire Brothers and American Babes

Okay, I need to start off by saying this is a pretty good vampire film. Full Moon Entertainment did a nice job. Scary vampires, cute little demonoids, and Angus Scrimm. The three babes in this film? Well, yes they are babes.  It's just that...well, the leading lady as an American college student, and the good and handsome vampire are...well...they look like each other.  When they suck face it is weird. Picture yourself kissing your image in the mirror...yuck.  But!  If you can look beyond that, 1991's "Subspecies," directed by Ted Nicolaou is a good take.

Okay, Angus Scrimm is a vampire king with two sons.  The evil one, Radu (Anders Hove) is frightening and looks like Nosferatu on steroids.  He also has little demonoids that accompany him everywhere. He murders his dad because his dad was going to give the bloodstone to the other brother, Stefan (Michael Watson). Now Stefan has the bloodstone...and this stone is...well...important. Enter a couple of American babes doing research on Transylvanian folklore. They come riding into town like a CIA-backed NGO. The giggly babes, Michelle (Laura MacTate) and Lillian (Michelle McBride) meet up with their friend, local Mara (Irina Movila). The trio are bent on learning about the local folklore but catch the attention of Radu... now he wants them.  Stefan arrives, masquerading as a zoologist... American babes will believe anything!  He falls in ,love with himself...I mean Michelle.  

Okay, now Radu is determined to bite all three and deprive Stefan of the pleasure.  Since he has the bloodstone, Radu is in a position of advantage.  He grabs Mara, rips her clothes off, and chains her in a dungeon. In America there are clubs that do this in every college town. In Transylvania, this is anti-social behavior that cause the citizenry to take up torches and stakes. Stefan now must fight to protect himself...er, I mean Michelle. Lillian? Well, in Transylvania it does not pay to be the third wheel. We can see it a mile away, a duel to the death seems imminent between vampire brothers.

Atmospheric and melodramatic, the vampire and demonoid f/x are terrific.  Will the American babes and Mara keep their humanity?  Will either of the vampires make Michelle a vampire bride?  A zoologist?  How dumb are American coeds? This is a terrific franchise, written in part by Charles Band.  For a nice vampire film, perhaps mis-cast in some places, see "Subspecies."  

Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker, Ick-Fest from the 1980s

1980s horror films...can't beat them. Today we have one that will make you squirm in discomfort. The ick-factor will be caused by more than just gore. Sure, this one has some nice gore, but the taboo nature of this film is front and center. Today we look at 1981's "Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker," directed by William Asher. After watching this one you will feel as if you have been slimed.

Billy's (Jimmy McNichol) parents are killed in a gory and suspicious automobile accident. Their car meets a logging truck in a scene the "Final Destination" franchise would be proud of. Now Billy is raised by his Aunt Cheryl (Susan Tyrell). 14 years later, Billy is a wonderful high school basketball player seeking a college scholarship. Cheryl is a doting aunt...too doting. She loves going into Billy's bedroom when he's asleep and caressing him. Yep...you see what's going on here. She loves Billy so much she does not want him to go to college. Uh oh...Cheryl needs deviant sex and lures a TV repairman (Steve Eastin) and tries to seduce him. This won't work and sends Cheryl into a bloody rage. She'll gut him. Billy walks in on this murder and then the cops arrive. Detective Joe (Bo Svenson) believes Billy killed the repairman in a homosexual dispute. See, Detective Joe is not the most inclusive of cops.

Okay, now Cheryl goes full force in sabotaging Billy's efforts to attain a scholarship. She'll drug him before basketball games. Oh! Cheryl has a secret room with ungodly contents in it. In this room is the key to her past. Even more horrific, is the key to what really happened to Billy's parents. The revelations that are coming are very taboo and icky. Oh! the nubile Julie (Julia Duffy). Cheryl will be sent into a homicidal rage when she catches Billy and Julie having pre-marital sex. Detective Joe pushes his homosexual rage theory in trying to bust Billy...and what follows is something twisted and deviant. As if she weren't psycho enough, Cheryl's sanity goes out the window. Now she goes full force Norman Bates with a machete, an axe, and icky seduction. 

What will psycho Cheryl do to the nubile Julie?  What does Cheryl's secret room contain? What exactly did happen to Billy's parents 14 years previous? You'll need a long shower after watching this one. Nothing about this film can be considered heartwarming or sweet. For a squirm-inducing 1980s horror film, see "Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker."

Blood of the Mummy, Bikini Pool Party Massacre

Alright!  I granted.  This is a flawed film. Still...is there such a thing as a bad movie that includes a bikini/pool party massacre scene? Even better...two of the bikini babe damsels are Clara Hawn and Kaylee Kress!  Ms. Hawn and Ms. Kress? Well...they are in...this movie!  A movie with a bikini/pool party massacre scene!  Kate Winslet never made it into any movies with that in it. Yeah, yeah...this film does make ancient Egypt and 3000 year old mummies look boring.  But!  That is what bikini/pool party massacre scenes are for. Sadly, Ms. Hawn will lose her head and Ms. Kress will...well, it won't be good. Today, from 2019, we look at Christine Parker's "Blood of the Mummy."

Louise (Laura Bridges) has a lot of explaining to do. Anyone in her life that has given her trouble has ended up with their heads pulled off, their organs pulled out, their limbs pulled off, etc. Sadly, Monica and Allison (our two aforementioned bikini babes), find this out the hard way. Okay, Louise will have a chance to explain all this to a psychiatrist (Bill Mulligan) in an asylum for the criminally insane. Did she do all this carnage? Well...if you believe her, a 3000 year old mummy who watches out for her, almost like a guardian angel, is responsible. This would make sense as the mummy (Terrance Watson) murdered her archaeologist mom and dad many years ago on a dig in Egypt.

Okay...Louise never shuts up in this film. She yaps and yaps. Why can't she be like most psychos in institutions and shut up! She doesn't and falls in love with another patient in the asylum, Asim (Justin Cole). I know...is it really a good idea to find your mate in a mental asylum? Okay, quiet!  I hear you divorced guys out there...not a peep out of you. When the shrink recommends electro-shock therapy, Louise finds memories of herself in ancient Egypt, plotting to murder the king (her husband), and abscond with Kharis (Tremayne Blair). This won't go well and the consequences will extend into the 21st century.

Bloody and at times erotic, this flawed movie with a beset broad that won't shut up does have appeal.  In addition to a bikini massacre scene, the gore level is pretty good. Hearts will be ripped out. Brains will be ripped out. Spines will be ripped out. Etc... Will Louise keep Asim as a lover or will she be able to rekindle her 3000 year old romance with Kharis? Will our two dead bikini babes find themselves coming back to life in a sequel? Are romances starting at mental asylums a good metaphor for the dating scene on American college campuses? Hey, this is a fun one. See "Blood of the Mummy" and don't feel you have to explain your movie taste to anyone.

Cataclysm, The Omen on Steroids

Today we have Richard Moll's magnum opus! Yep, that guy on "Night Court." What! You didn't know he had a magnum opus? Well...he does. He'll play the author of the great bore-athon of a best-seller God is Dead.  Yawn.  You ever meet these atheists? Sanctimonious bores...there I go again, passing judgment. Back to the matter at hand. A few years after "The Omen" made the 666 tattoo famous, no one really tried to copy it until this 1980's film. So let us look at a film about Satan and that silly 666 tattoo. Our feature today is "Cataclysm," directed by the unholy trinity of movie making, Phillip Marshak, Tom McGowan, and Gregg G. Tallas.

Okay, babe Claire (Faith Clift) is the sultry wife of atheist author James (Moll). Claire is such a devoted Catholic that she marries an atheist...I won't pass judgment here. Meanwhile, Nazi hunter Abraham Weiss (Marc Lawrence) sees the SS officer who machinegunned a bunch of babe Jew violinists...don't ask...but massacre scenes are always appreciated. Problem is, this Nazi, named Olivier (Robert Bristol) has not aged a day in decades.  Because of this Detective Sterne (Cameron Mitchell) does not believe Abraham. Olivier will turn into a demon and eat Abraham's face. What does Claire have to do with this? She has visions of this massacre and of demons coming for her. Enter a defrocked monk called Papini (Maurice Grandmaison). He will try to warn Claire that Olivier is Satan and she needs to kill him. Oh yeah, all of Olivier's victims have developed a 666 tattoo at death.

Okay...let's talk about Ann.  Ann is the real babe in this film. She will be violated and dumped, then enslaved by Olivier.  In fact, her performance is so trying, two actresses will play her (Elizabeth Martin and Christie Starley). Anyway...are you keeping up? Sterne turns into a believer when he confronts Olivier at his mansion.  Olivier seems unstoppable as he murders anyone who gets in his way. Now he wants Claire. I don't know why, Ann is a more impressive babe and Claire's voice would cause anyone to gag her during the throes of passion. There I go again, being judgmental. Oh...that's enough...this is a wild one. I should say the ending is absolutely amazing!  Think of Dr. Giggles meets Lancaster Merrin! Don't tell me you are not intrigued.

Will James find out the hard way that if Satan is not dead, then either is God? Will Claire hire a voice coach and stop being shown-up by Ann and her slinky evening disco gowns? Will this film offend the atheist community?  This one is quite unbelievable...you won't believe the ending...though you should believe in God (author's note). Faithful to the book, "Cataclysm" is a film you need to see. 

  

Scream of the Wolf, Bring Back Nurse Price!

Nurse Price (Jenny Agutter)! Beautiful nurse-in-white in great peril as her new American BF is a werewolf. Alas, the sultry nurse, who gives us a nice shower scene and cares for the titular character in 1981's "An American Werewolf in London" is not in our film today. So sad. Even sadder, nurses today are stocky and have shed the alluring white uniforms for baggy green scrubs. You know who is in this film? You'll never guess!  Rula Lenska!  Okay, not much of a trade-off, I admit. Today we look at a 2022 film that pays homage to that 1981 werewolf film. Our feature today is "Scream of the Wolf" (aka "Wolf Manor"), directed by Dominic Brunt. Have you noticed that nurse's today, unlike the sweet and comely Nurse Price, are all grouchy and demanding that you give them respect. You try demanding respect, see how far it gets you!

Okay, a vampire film starring Oliver Lawrence (James Fleet) is being shot at the mansion of The Great Mascalini (Shuane Harrison). The Great Mascalini? A magician who went missing 20 years ago while touring the Carpathian Mountains. The Blue Moon will sub for The Slaughtered Lamb as two film executives ask directions. The locals want no part of them and send them away, on foot. They'll be eaten by a werewolf. At the mansion, the past-his-prime Oliver dons a vampire's cape and fangs and tries to get through his lines. Oliver is battling the bottle and losing. Fiona (Thaila Zucchi) tries to keep him focused but a werewolf outside is shredding crew. First the boom-lady (Sade Malone) and the f/x guy (Martin Portlock) get ripped from limb to limb...and eaten. Then the werewolf gets bolder and comes right up to the manor house.

Desperately trying to sober up Oliver, Fiona and the crew don't notice that two of their buddies are missing. Oliver has that double nightmare dream about being in a bed in the woods and then opening up a cabinet (instead of curtains). You remember that one. In the 1981 film it looked as if Nurse Price was shredded until David Naughton woke up screaming. The kills will be gory. Limbs will fly. Guts will be ripped out. Heads will be knocked off the old block. Oh!  Rula Lenska?  The Great Mascalini?  Let's just say do not turn this film off as the end credits roll.

Will vampire actor Oliver have a shot at squaring off against a real monster? What happened to the missing magician all those years ago in the Carpathian Mountains? Will nurses ever be pretty again...and be clad in either tight or latex white uniforms? Fans of the 1981 classic John Landis film will notice a lot of references to it.  For a gory werewolf film with classic werewolf themes, see "Scream of the Wolf." 

The Cellar Door, Serial Killer Shreds Babes

Okay, I know we're not supposed to cheer for the serial killer.  I'm not saying I was.  Well, maybe I was. He seemed like such a decent guy. His victims?  Is it my fault that in the film today the young babes felled by this lunatic (or misunderstood loner) were not women of stellar character?  In the style of Giallo or Euro-Trash, our movie today is a bit rough on the fairer sex. Today we look at 2007's "The Cellar Door," directed by Matt Zettell.

Brutal!  Without humor!  No twists!  No surprises!  Just unparalleled viciousness.  The opening scene is heartbreaking...you'll see.  Herman (James Dunont) is a mommy's boy.  Presumably, his mom is deceased . Presumably she taught him that all babes were Satan's tools, or whores.  Still, Herman is fascinated by them. So fascinated that he likes to capture them and keep them in his cellar in a cage he constructed. Unfortunately for Rudy (Michelle Tomlinson) and her roomie Christa (Heather Sconyers), they capture his attention. These are party girls. They party hard and drink a lot. Herman is no nonsense. As Christa falls asleep on the toilet, Herman rushes in and absconds with the passed out Rudy.  Rudy is scantily clad and not too surprised she has ended up in a cage. Go figure.

Okay, Herman does not really have a plan. Rudy does. Yell a little and try to seduce her way out of captivity. Uh oh...we see Rudy's last captive (Christine Reynolds).  This is weird...we see her as a maggot infested corpse who seems to appear to warn Rudy...as if Rudy is having trouble grasping the dire nature of her situation. Rudy, is a babe, and her seduction techniques seem to develop traction. Uh oh!  Herman is not satisfied with just keeping a pet.  His maniacal tendencies will victimize other babes in this film who won't be as fortunate as Rudy. The misogyny of Herman, sadly, will fell other babes as Rudy continues to plot escape.

Will Rudy be able to escape and/or murder Herman? How many of your neighbors have cages in their basements filled with nubile party-gals?  Is anti-male wokeness breeding Hermans in our country? This is a brutal one with a good level of gore. For a gritty film in which nubile babes are victimized by the misogyny prevalent in today's western civilization, see "The Cellar Door."