Sunday, September 30, 2018

War of the Satellites, Greedy Aliens Attack

Roger Corman...the early days! Yep, before the master of horror had sultry women raped and impregnated by slimy aliens, he crafted many low-budget, and pretty straight forward, science fiction films. In 1958's "War of the Satellites," Mr. Corman puts together a great cast in a film that can be shown to the whole family. However classic the plot may be, Mr. Corman's 1958 film can be viewed today as a metaphor for the fate of our modern day space program.
The Sigma Project is a joint U.S. and United Nations space exploration program. Bad news, their first 10 manned missions have been blown out of orbit by an alien force. The U.N. is cowering and after a cryptic warning from some alien intelligence, they are bent on ending the project. The U.S. team led by Dr. Van Ponder (Richard Devon) are determined not to allow an alien race to dictate our space exploration efforts. Dr. Van ponder is aided by Sybil (Susan Cabot) who knows her place. When asked a question she reminds the team her only job is to gather and correlate information, and not to offer opinions...and she adheres to that strategy. Other than looking good, her role in this is pretty insignificant...until the alien race decides she's real pretty and seek to mate with her.
Another of Dr. Van Ponder's flunkies, Dave (Dick Miller) takes matters into his own hands and unilaterally decides the Sigma Project will continue. Now the U.S. team prepare an 11th mission. Uh oh, the alien intelligence takes over the body of Dr. Van Ponder. Unbeknownst to Dave and Sybil, their boss is now an alien force bent on their destruction. As the rockets for the 11th mission blast off and Dave, Sybil, and Dr. Van Ponder (no longer human) don some sleek space jumpsuits, the aliens move in to destroy those same rockets. Not only are the alien beams aimed at the rockets, the alien possessed Dr. Van Ponder tries to woo the nubile Sybil.
Will Sybil's beauty be enough for the aliens to spare the 11th mission? If the aliens were that smart, wouldn't they have foresaw that the U.S. space-shuttle program would have killed any effort to explore space in the decades to come? Does any project in which the United Nations is included have any chance at any kind of success? This Roger Corman film is an entertaining space science fiction tale. If this same film was made 30 years later, no doubt Sybil's fate would have been more horrific. For some fun Saturday afternoon 'Creature Feature' entertainment, see "War of the Satellites."

Friday, September 28, 2018

Fiend, Rogue Spirit Kills Maryland Women

Maryland again! Yep, this means we have another Don Dohler film. Low-budget and fun. Many may criticize the acting in Don Dohler films but I think we can all agree that the acting in his films is better than anything George Clooney or Mila Kunis has ever offered up. Today we look at 1980's "Fiend." This horror epic comes from a time when the Baltimore Orioles were competitive and the name Brooks Robinson ruled...and Cal Ripken, Jr. was merely a prospect.
A rogue spirit enters the grave of a dead music teacher, Mr. Longfellow (Don Leifert). The corpse of Longfellow is re-animated and claws its way out of the grave. This is bad news for the lovely Angie (Lydia Vuynovich), who has arrived at the cemetery for some pre-marital sex with her beau. The decomposing fiend sneaks up on our Maryland beauty and strangles her. Sucking up her life-force, the rotting fiend changes into a normal looking music teacher. Longfellow spends the next couple of months sneaking up on more Maryland beauties, strangling them, and keeping his youthful appearance. He will move into a quiet suburb, but must continue hunting nubile women in order to keep looking youthful.
Gary and Marsha (Richard Nelson and Elaine White) live next door to the fiend. Gary is a grouchy sort who loves Pabst Blue Ribbon. Longfellow annoys him as he teaches music in his basement. Marsha doesn't care as she isn't a grouch. As more women are found dead near their neighborhood, Gary begins to suspect Longfellow. Uh oh...a little girl is killed beyond Longfellow's backyard and this convinces our grouch that he is the killer...but he doesn't have proof. This happens to all of us...but as suburbia makes Longfellow the fiend complacent and sloppy, more witnesses arise that may be able to finger Longfellow as the killer. As Gary increases the level of his juvenile investigation, the lovely Marsha enters Longfellow's cross hairs.
Some may claim this film is slow moving, but the last 10 minutes are genuinely heartbreaking and frightening. Will Gary's shoddy investigation into his neighbor get the nubile Marsha killed? What would happen if Longfellow took the life-force of  someone other than a nubile beauty? Is this film a statement from Don Dohler that American suburbia is destined to trap all of us into having our life-force sucked out? Will the Baltimore Orioles ever climb out of the American League basement? Fans of Don Dohler will love "Fiend," and Yankee fans will have to admit that the last ten minutes of this film are scarier than any Oriole clean-up hitter.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Corbin Nash, Vampire Demons Eat Los Angeles

One might term 2018's "Corbin Nash" as horror in the flavor of film noir. This is a violent and ominous jaunt through the seedy parts of the City of Angels and of a man's deep, dark psyche. Be warned, virtually every frame of this film includes blood and violence.  Ooooh...you'll like this...Corey Feldman as a transvestite vampire demon! How long have we been waiting for this portrayal? For lovers of gory horror and gratuitous violence, "Corbin Nash" is here!
Corbin Nash (Dean S. Jagger) is a disgruntled New York cop. One night while throwing down a cold one at a local bar he is approached by Rutger Hauer as 'the stranger.' This mysterious bloke has some alarming revelations for Nash. Apparently Nash' mom and dad were 'hunters'. Hunters of what? Demons of course. As cover, Nash' dad was a star baseball player until he was eaten by one of these demons...as was his wife. What's more, Nash is also a 'hunter,' though he doesn't know that yet. This news takes Nash to L.A. where he has joined the L.A.P.D. and hopes to find out about his parents and locate a slew of missing peeps.
A chronological description of the plot would serve no one well, but suffice it to say Nash' battle begins quickly. We meet Queeny (Feldman), the aforementioned transvestite vampire-demon and his sidekick Vince (Richard Wagner). Queeny loves beautiful women, especially biting out their throats. Nash gets on Queeny's radar which causes him to get sucked into a Hell like prison where his battles will be bloody, and perhaps without hope. Very pretty stripper Macy (Fernanda Romero) tries to save him as Nash is her only hope of finding her missing little brother. Now Macy has drawn the ire of Queeny and Vince and these two demons now hunt her and Nash. Uh oh...she may have saved Nash from his weird confinement, but Nash ain't out of the woods...or Hell yet. What happens to Nash is unspeakable, but his determination will re-set him on his course to find the missing peeps.
Will Nash and Macy hook-up, or will Macy become a play-toy for the perverted Queeny? Will Nash be able to recover all the lost souls from the demon prison they have been taken to? What do the demons want with the abducted citizens of L.A.? As the vampire demons look unstoppable, and their appetite for the pretty increases, Nash will have to reach down inside him and find the strength to pull off an upset victory. Directed by Ben Jagger, "Corbin Nash" explodes in blood red and reveals itself just like an extreme graphic novel. Horror fans who eschew Rated PG-13, will love the Rated R nature of this one...enjoy!

Monday, September 24, 2018

Agent 5, Sultry Assassin on the Warpath

Many of you remember Cindy Lemos as the hostess of the TV show "Island Getaways" from 2012. The beautiful Seattle based actress, though born in Argentina, took us all over the Pacific from Hawaii, to Tahiti, to Bora Bora. So what is an attractive lady to do when her reality show isn't renewed for an additional season? Yep! Become an action hero in films she helps make. In a plot straight from an Asian exploitation film, Ms. Lemos will star as a sultry assassin looking for revenge against an agency that has betrayed her in 2016's "Agent 5."
After her assassin parents are killed, Jada (Lemos) is brought up by a mysterious agency. Of course this organization teaches her to kill and breeds her to be their star assassin. Years later, Jada, now Agent 5, is given an assignment to kill a whistle-blower who will spill the beans on an evil pharmaceutical company. Agent 5 is about to complete her job when a bit of conscience creeps into her psyche and she spares the schmuck. Uh oh, the ravishing Cho (Rachel Delmars) and beautiful Lam (Christy Choi) are sent to make sure Agent 5 completes her job. When Agent 5 balks, the two colleagues finish the job instead and now are tasked to kill Jada. These two beauties will die horrible deaths as Agent 5 is now on the run.
With the agency on her tail, Jada must fend off some more beautiful assassins and a few ugly male ones, too. A good defense is a good offense so Jada takes the war to the agency. After blowing up their office, Jada incurs more of the agency's wrath. Every one who Jada has ever loved is now killed and our deadly brunette seems to be the underdog. She'll kill more and have some pre-marital sex as she eludes evil henchmen...and henchwomen...through Seattle and the surrounding wilderness. With pistols, machine-guns, knives, bombs, and rocket-launchers, Jada will inflict mass carnage against her tormentors, but is she walking into a well crafted trap?
Which Travel Channel beauty do you think would make a great exploitation film actress? Will Agent 5/Jada find love after everyone in her life assumes room temperature? Will a sequel to this film take Cindy Lemos as Agent 5 again to Bora Bora? Ms. Lemos is quite stunning as the deadly assassin and if you look close you may see a resemblance to Kate Beckinsale (who, if she were smart, would have scooped this role up). For lovers of Asian exploitation, "Agent 5" (directed by Carter Johnson) will surely please.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Guest Review: Les Patterson Saves the World by Vanya Vetto

"Les Patterson Saves the World" is as high brow as it gets. There's no illusion that it is a serious movie. This isn't "Kramer vs. Kramer." Own up, who has ever watched that manure pile anyway? Today's review, "Les Patterson Saves the World," filmed in 1987. This work even escaped the maestro reviewer of Zisi Emporium for B Movies. "How did I miss this?" her queried as he requested I review it and write it up as a guest reviewer. I told him I wasn't a movie reviewer. Zisi then reminded me that either was he until he posted his first one in 2013. That was a good point. Good that someone believes in me! I can watch a film 100 times and still not get it, I'm not the sharpest tool in the box.  That's bulls**t, this argument won't fly.
I love trashy films littered with bad acting and hot chicks and I know those are Zisi's kind of flicks. He said "Go for it." UK's Empire Magazine trashed this film. I seriously think they missed the point. Even the Australian PM at the time, who attended the premier almost walked out of the screening and promised to put a stop to the rorting in the film industry.
Just for those reasons alone, there is a certain guilty pleasure in watching this film. The film starts about with Les Patterson (Barry Humphries) letting off a ripper of a fart and incinerating an Arab ambassador at some UN General Assembly meeting. A movie has to start somewhere so why not at the end of a horse and cart. Sir Les doesn't wear a bib...he drools and spits a fair bit...nor does he wear a nappy. Les Patterson isn't a Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan. Okay, Pierce was brilliant in "The Matador" and more akin to Les in this movie than anything Mr. Connery has done in his film career. The acting is superb. It resonates of the late 80s where even Harvey Weinstein would've excelled if he was smart about the role he played. Sir Les knows he's a sleaze-bag. Kiwi Pamela Stephenson (Superman 3) plays the sultry French research assistant. The dynamics between her, as Veronique Crudite, and Les are pure dynamite. She's more French than the French and Les wants a couple of rounds of romping with her in the sack. He really does. If you don't believe me then watch him having pillow talk with the hot Frenchy and drinking from a bottle of preserved organs. They are in a dry middle eastern country and Les ain't fussy about his libations, more so when he's in the mission position next to a hot chick.
Alas, there are no cat-fights or lesbian mud wrestling in this film. Women swoon over him and melt into his embrace. Say it and spray it, that's our uncouth Les Patterson who doesn't mind scratching his balls and showing his tackle for a bit of 'titillation' for the sexy Good Friday girls. This movie hasn't even reached cult status, it's that f***ing good. Les is the kind of guy who could gatecrash a shindig for teh America's Cup in Newport, RI and be applauded for being a genuine lout. Joan Rivers plays the U.S. president. She is a big fan of Mr. Humphries and it is good to see support from those who count.
Australia listens when America speaks and after a call from the US president, the Australian PM appoints Les ambassador to that middle eastern nation. This is actually how things are done in the real world, as evidenced by Australia's UN peace keeping role in East Timor. Now that poor benighted  country has to pay high utility bills with a sporadic electricity grid while Australia got access to its rich gas fields. That ain't fair. We should all boycott gas and go solar. I'm sure Les Patterson would've seen through the hypocrisy of Australia's diplomacy in that part of the world. This film will appeal to our base senses for the sole reason that it is hilarious. What does Rotten Tomato have have to say about this film? It was actually far more honest and responsive than Empire Magazine which had a really high reading on the Sourgrapesmeter. It was about 33% on the Tomatometer, just about right for any B grade film out there that doesn't pretend to be anything that it isn't. Give me an obese and lewd middle-aged drunkard any day  over the dumb and mute Mr. Bean.
Note: Vanya Vetto is a good friend of mine and I am thrilled to post his review of a film that captures the ethos of Australia. Mr. Vetto is the author of Trouble is My Business: Manila. Do yourself a favor and order that work by clicking on the link below:
Trouble is My Business: Manila

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Class of 1999, The Faculty Meets The Warriors

Here's the quote of the film, "These things are like a bad f***ed up George Jetson nightmare." Yep, today we have a brutal one in which deaths by machine-guns, flame-throwers, drugs, and impalement will be in the several dozens...at least. Made in 1990, "Class of 1999" may only be a slight exaggeration of the the state of our public schools. 1999 has come and gone and the plot of this film has remained science fiction, at least in a literal sense.
Inner city public schools are out of control. Our government has merged the Department of Defense and Department of Education and teamed up with defense contractor Megatech, headed by Dr. Forrest (Stacy Keach). Looking like a space alien, the albino Forrest has supplied Kennedy High School with three battledroids, unbeknownst to the students. These terminator-like things teach history, Physical Education, and Chemistry. The robotic teachers are played by Pam Grier, John P. Ryan, and Patrick Kilpatrick. The mechanical teachers are on the look-out for known gang members including our anti-hero, Cody (Bradley Gregg). Soon the trio begin enforcing discipline which leads to the murder of several students.
Meanwhile, on parole, Cody's attempt to go clean suffers set backs as his buddies are killed by the teachers. As the teachers help ignite a gang war, Cody figures out what is going on. Now Cody must unite two deadly gangs which hate each other in order to fight the mechanized educators. This won't go well as the deaths mount up and Pam Grier eventually sprouts a mean flame-thrower (Yes!). Oh yes...did I mention Malcolm McDowell...he's the school principal. It doesn't get any better.
Will the national teachers' unions be upset that our dear educators are portrayed as homicidal, mechanized beasts? Are modern audiences likely to sympathize with the gang members portrayed as protagonists in this film? Is the 1990 portrayal of American public schools in this film a fair one? Plenty of social commentary abounds in this violent kill-fest. For some carnage filled entertainment before the next PTA meeting, see "Class of 1999," directed by Mark L. Lester.

Friday, September 21, 2018

Hi, Penny: Halloween Treat on YouTube

As Halloween inches closer (now less than six weeks away), it is important to remember that this holiday is for the entire family. Sure, many of the films on this blog shouldn't be screened by little children, but here is one that may be age appropriate for our little crumb crunchers. J. Budro Patrida's "Hi, Penny," won't traumatize our kids, though it may give them some semi-minor nightmares.
"Hi, Penny" is less than four minutes so I shall be brief on the plot. A darling little girl (Penelope Joy) is watching "Night of the Living Dead" before bedtime. Uh oh, nightmares are the least of her worry. As she heads upstairs, it is apparent that she is not alone. Or is it merely her imagination that is playing havoc with her sense of reality. After all, we all remember what the aforementioned George Romero classic did to us when we first saw it. Anyway, our sweet protagonist may have just a bit more to deal with than an overactive imagination as...well...no spoilers here, but get ready for some scares.
After the end credits roll it is obvious that this work was inspired by the creations of George Romero, Stephen King, and James Wan. That's easy to see, but I was reminded of Tobe Hooper's "'Salem's Lot," though I shall not say why. Written by both J. Budro and Monica Patrida, allow this YouTube short film to serve as an appetizer for the whole family as we prepare for Halloween. To view "Hi, Penny," click on the below listed link:
Hi, Penny on YouTube

Thursday, September 20, 2018

The House of Clocks, Time to Die

If we could turn back time! Wouldn't that be wonderful? Right our mistakes, take some hurtful words back, study harder, and so on. Actually, if you ask me, we should run away from our past and previous stupid decisions and embrace the future. If you don't believe me there is today's film, Lucio Fulci's "The House of Clocks." Mr. Fulci was contracted to make a movie for Italian TV, and this film was it. Unfortunately for the Italian TV network, they contracted Fulci and not Aaron Spelling. The finished product was deemed too gory for TV and would find itself competing in the straight-to-VHS market.
Victor and Sarah (Paolo Paoloni and Bettine Milne) are a very elderly couple living in a mansion on rural Italy. They are a weird duo and love clocks. Thousands of time pieces adorn their home and all tick. Uh oh...nosy maid Maria (Carla Cassola) gets curious and sees something she wasn't supposed to when she busts into the chapel. This is very unfortunate as no one likes a witness, especially Sarah. Maria will then be impaled and secreted in a shallow grave. Secret preserved...for now. Enter three thugs looking for a big score. Tony (Keith Van Hoven), Diana (Karina Huff), and the psycho Paul (Peter Hintz).
This trio believe the mansion will be an easy hit as only two elderly schmucks live there. They invade, cut the phone wires, and meet unexpected opposition. Bang Bang...Victor and Sarah fall victim to two shotgun blasts. Bad news for the evil invaders...they are trapped in the house as guard dogs prowl the outside. Then weirdness takes over. All the clocks stop at once. Tony and Diana will take this opportunity for pre-marital sex in Victor and Sarah's marital bed. Bad idea. Uh oh again, the clocks start going backwards. As time marches...well backwards...the dead live again. Victor and Sarah are now back and our three robbers are now on the run inside the mansion. Gore and frights await them as Sarah and Victor weren't amused at being killed.
Just what secret lays in the chapel that got Maria killed? What do Victor and Sarah have in store for their three tormentors turned prisoners? What Italian brainiac thought Lucio Fulci would create a film suitable for the whole family? As the dead rise, and the thugs meet bloody horror, you will be happy you put on "The House of Clocks."

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Hellhole, Naked Lesbian Cat-Fights in an Insane Asylum

We all remember Audrey and Judy Landers. Not actually twins though they were often cast as such. The blonde, buxom beauties graced many a TV show and film. Today we focus on Judy in a very gratuitous horror-exploitation film, 1985's "Hellhole." There will be lesbian cat-fights in the shower, lesbian babes in mud baths, gratuitous lesbian sex, and lots of naked babes running around ... fighting...seducing each other...and always trying to rip each other's clothes off. Judy would go on to marry Los Angeles Dodger pitcher Tim Niedenfeur and is still married to him after 30 years, perhaps because of her portrayal as an amnesiac in this film.
Susan (Landers), in satin short-shorts, witnesses her mom's murder. She runs from the killer, a bloke known as Silk (Ray Sharkey), and is critically injured in her getaway. She'll wake with amnesia and be put in a looney-bin for women. Most of the women look like Playboy models and are constantly trying to rip Susan's clothes off. Silk gets a job at the facility so he can finish the job. The attending physician, Dr. Fletcher (Mary Woronov) is a cross between Ilsa the She-Wolf and Nurse Ratched. Fletcher experiments on the women and enjoys sex with them, either in hot-tubs or on the operating table...alive or dead.
Susan finds out that the asylum has a basement known as the hellhole, where human experimentation takes place. Meanwhile, Silk has a spy in the patient population, sex-pervert Vera (Edy Williams). Vera starts mass cat-fights in the shower and has sex with a lot of women in the asylum. Susan eventually realizes that she is due to be turned into a lobotomized love-toy of Dr. Fletcher and plans an escape. To keep up with the gratuitous nature of this film, Susan will steal and put on a kinky nurse's outfit and begin her unsuccessful escape plan. With both Silk and Dr. Fletcher on the verge of doing so many kinky and awful things to her, Susan's salvation may come in the form of an undercover schmuck (Richard Cox) who has fallen in love with her.
Will Dr. Fletcher ravage the sultry Susan? Will Silk ravage the sultry Susan? Will the lesbian babes of the asylum ravage the sultry Susan? This film spends 95 minutes topping each previous gratuitous scene. Everything about Judy Landers, from her demeanor, satin shorts, revealing hospital gown, kinky nurse uniform, and general state of helplessness plays well to the gratuitous nature of this exploitation film. For a guilty pleasure, enjoy "Hellhole," directed by Pierre DeMoro.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

The Beasts, Spitting on the Grave in China

About the same time as Camille Keaton shocked the world with her portrayal in "I Spit on Your Grave," Chinese cinema released their own rape/revenge spectacular, 1980's "The Beasts." The rape/revenge sub-genre of exploitation films is indeed an international phenomenon. Whether in rural America or in rural China (as today's film is set), when the pretty are soiled...some thug is going to get castrated.
Ah Ling! That's her name, so I should probably say Ahhhh, Ah Ling (Ching Chee Chong). The nubile gal is so pure, and even wears white (probably has a heaping supply of that ancient Chinese secret...Calgon). She and her brother Ah Wah (Eddie Chan) go camping in the woods and meet up with the pretty and amorous Pauline (Siu Ling Wong) and her beau, and the shy and cute Louis (Paul Bo-Law Chung). They stop by a rural village where a gang of thugs who haven't had a woman in a while get a glimpse of them. As Ling then is left at a waterfall, the thugs move in and in a very brutal scene, they violently humiliate and rape her. When Ah Wah finds his sister spread out naked on the rocks, he goes after the thugs...bad idea. Ah Way is then killed.
The authorities can't do much. This rural town sticks together and doesn't like outsiders. Ah Ling is the only witness and she is now in a padded cell in a lunatic asylum. Enter Ah Ling's loving dad (Sing Chen). He arrives and immediately crafts bladed weapons and some nice booby-traps which would make Rambo proud. Dad isn't only interested in killing all the thugs, but also inflicting as much pain as he can. He'll go right to work. One poor chap will be hung upside down with dozens of snakes in his pants, eating his groin. The ever-shrinking group of thugs rebounds and begins to hunt the dad. As a war ensues, the dad is un-merciless. Bear traps, machetes, rope, snakes, and spikes are only a few of the revenge-tools that will victimize our unfortunate thugs.
Will the dad kill everyone in the village? Will the drooling and insane Ah Ling ever recover her beauty and nubile-ness? Is this film a statement of the backwardness of rural society in China in hopes that people eschew their fondness for it in favor of building up major cities? Okay...that's a real reach. This film is brutal and hard to watch, especially the fate of the sweet Ah Ling. Not the feel good movie of 1980, "The Beasts" is for anyone who gets satisfaction viewing rape/revenge cinema.

Friday, September 14, 2018

Naked Soldier, Sultry Asian Assassins Kill and Die

Sultry Asian women skilled in Kung Fu and allure. Perfect fodder for an Asian exploitation film from Hong Kong. We've seen it before, I know. Maggie Q did it well in Naked Weapon but this is a plot line that we just can't get enough of. As a boring summer of films comes to a close, enjoy gratuitous cat-fights, gratuitous martial arts, and very steaming Asian women with swords and daggers...and machine guns...and pistols...and deadly sex appeal. Hence 2012's "Naked Soldier."
After taking down a notorious Asian drug cartel, INTERPOL superstar Lung (Sammo Kam-Bo Hung) moves to Miami with his family. Uh oh, seeking revenge, dominatrix Madam Rose (Ellen Chan) invades his home, kills his entire family and absconds with his 10 year old daughter. Wounded but not dead, Lung swears he will someday find his daughter. Like many of you out there, the 10 year old girl is brainwashed into complete loyalty to Madam Rose and taught to seduce and murder. 15 years later, the daughter is now Phoenix (Jennifer Tse)...college student...and assassin. Madam Rose is now charged with taking out the world's largest drug kingpins in order to eliminate the competition for Taiwanese kingpin.
What happens next is sch a beautiful thing. One assassin, the bikini clad Ivy (Lena Lin) will take out her kingpin in one of the most erotic hit scenes you will ever see. Selina (Ankie Beilke) will take out another in a boxing ring. Phoenix? Hers will be slaughtered at a funeral, but unfortunately her cover is blown as she allows a couple of witnesses to live (always a mistake). Now Madam and her two sister assassins are bent on her destruction. Many will die, and some very beautiful babes will die horribly. Lung and INTERPOL pick up on all this and he sees a chance to reunite with his long lost daughter. As INTERPOL closes in, and as the beautiful assassins are themselves put in much peril, Phoenix must come to terms with some distant memories of a father who was erased from her brain by Madam Rose's brainwashing machine 15 years previous.
Will Lung's reunion with his daughter be one full of hugs, or bullets and blades? Will the dominatrix Madam Rose succeed in wiping out Phoenix? Will Phoenix engage in a cat-fight or two...or three...or four with her assassin sisters? This is a very gratuitous film as the sex, murder, and Kung Fu join together to make such a beautiful trinity. For pure fun, action, and gratuitous everything, ignore the latest superhero film and enjoy "Naked Soldier," directed by Marco Mak.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Doom, Resident Evil on Mars

Ah, violent horror video games! Their loud and the blood flows faster than Niagara Falls. Make them into movies, and who cares about plots? Mutants, chainsaws, and toothy things that used to be human...can't go wrong with that recipe. Okay, Duane Johnson ("The Rock") is in this, strike one...can we go at least 10 minutes without hearing his name? Besides that demerit, 2005's "Doom" is a neat scifi/horror film capitalizing on the popularity of that computer game.
The space shuttle program killed the U.S. space program. NASA wasted decades on this silly contraption that sometimes took off and landed successfully. Fortunately we discovered the Ark (or Arc...doesn't matter). Step into it and have a slimy teleportation experience that will land you on Mars. Now Mars has a bunch of scientists there who have found evidence of extinct human life. Samantha (Rosamund Pike) is a babe scientist and her discoveries may have opened the door for monsters to invade the Martian lab. Uh oh...monsters infest the complex and a team of U.S. Marines is sent through the Ark to destroy the buggers and save...wait...saving scientists isn't in their mission. The team is headed by Sarge (Johnson) and along for the ride is Reaper (Karl Urban), Samantha's brother.
The marines arrive and go right to work, finding dozens of mangled scientists and some monsters. Just what are these monsters? There is the mystery. They prey upon humans and sometimes turn their prey into other monsters. Most of the marines die horribly, just like the scientists, but Samantha lets them in on some secrets that indicate their is an intelligent motive to these creatures...and getting to Earth may be part of it. Now as some of the marines turn into monsters, Samantha, Reaper, and The Rock must save the surviving scientists, kill the monsters, and make sure nothing slimy goes through the Ark and back to Area 51. But wait! The Rock isn't keen on saving anyone...just destroying.
Can Reaper and Samantha overpower the homicidal Sarge? Just where did these creatures come from, and are the scientists holding back information from their supposed rescuers? Since Reaper is Samantha's brother, is there anyone else on Mars Samantha can fall in love with and engage in...well...never mind that. Loud, bloody and fun, "Doom" plays like a violent video game on steroids. Not as deep as "Resident Evil," but still a lot of fun.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Sodoma's Ghost, Lucio Fulci...Orgy...Ghosts

Okay, this is a Lucio Fulci film. This Italian film may be a big disappointment to Fulci fans, but for those of us who cannot get enough of this master director's work, 1988's "Sodoma's Ghost" (aka "Il Fantasma di Sodoma") does have some merit. No tarantulas crawling out of mouths...no eyeballs plucked out...no throat cutting, but we do have some nice gunk oozing out of corpse action.
In 1943, Willy (Robert Egon) and his Nazi cohorts are engaged in a wild (and believe me, this is a wild one) orgy. All sorts of perversion fill the opening scene. Gambling, roll playing, booze, and much virility enhance this orgy. Bad news for our Nazis and their skanks...a misguided German bomber takes them out at the height of their orgasms. Four decades later some silly Americans looking to go surfing in rural Italy breakdown in front of the isolated mansion which housed the aforementioned orgy. The three hunks and three babes decide to break into the mansion to spend the night. Uh oh, once inside, lots of wine and food await them. These idiots aren't with the program and have no plans for a modern day orgy. Two of the babes, Anne (Teresa Razzaudi) and Maria (Jessica Moore) are lesbians and Celine (Maria Concetta Salieri) is...shall we say...a cold fish. The guys? Silly and clueless.  In fact, we really hope for their gory demise.
As the team bickers, the ghost of Willy begins to torment them. Mark (Joseph Alan Johnson) will meet up with a nude succubus (Zora Kerova) after Willy engages him in a match of Russian Roulette. Maria will have a run in with the same succubus, and this scene will be quite gratuitous. Mark will turn into a puss bag seeping disgusting ooze, and Maria...well...you'll see. Anne will also be subject to some possession and learn to love guys. She will seduce John (Sebastian Harrison) with some disgusting results.  Sound good?  Well, don't get your hopes up. Gratuitous nudity and love scenes dominate this flick.
How many of these six wannabe surfers will survive the Nazi ghosts and succubi? That question alone beckons all of us, I know. Will our cold fish Celine get to have sex with anyone...or anything? Will Willy's ghost organize a modern day orgy, and if so will the lesbians factor prominently in this action? Again, this one is for die-hard Fulci fans. One wonders if this 84 minute film actually has an additional 20 minutes that beckon a modern day bluray release. From Italy, enjoy "Sodoma's Ghost."

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Blood Massacre, Thugs vs. Cannibals

Another Don Dohler film set in Maryland is our gem today. Picture "Reservoir Dogs" meets "Cannibal Holocaust." That would be such a beautiful combo. Throw in low-budget and grainy film quality and now we have obtained B movie Nirvana. Unlike many Dohler films our culprits today aren't aliens but demented humans...or so it appears. Hence 1991's "Blood Massacre."
A quartet of vicious criminals hit a small Maryland town. Rizzo (George Stover) is the most psycho of them all. As our film begins Rizzo is strangling a bouncer and gutting a prostitute. His almost equally evil cohorts include the beautiful Monica (Lisa DeFuso), Jimmy (James DiAngelo), and Pauly (Thomas Humes). A parallel plot line has the sultry, but doomed, Bonnie (Lucille Joile) arriving at the rural Parker house to rent a room. Bonnie will hit it off with the equally sultry Chrissy Parker (Grace Stahl) as the two don bikinis and bounce down to a pond for some sunbathing. After a deadly robbery our evil quartet is on the run and hijack a car driven by the beautiful Liz (Robin London), Chrissy's sister.
The thugs order Liz, who is unusually amorous to her tormentors, to drive her to her house. Liz is criminally insane and our gang has no idea her psychologist is cut-up in the trunk. At the house, Rizzo and company take Chrissy, Liz, and Mr. and Mrs. Parker hostage...no sign of Bonnie...yet. While laying low, waiting for the heat to pass, tables get turned. After a gratuitous shower scene, Liz seduces Rizzo. The two will engage in a blood-letting sex ritual...this is a clue our gang doesn't pick up on. Havoc ensues and our sweet rural family end up being hungry cannibals and begin hunting our antagonists turned protagonists. Oh yes...Bonnie, you'll see. Our thugs won't go down without a fight and guns, booby-traps, table-saw blades, and makeshift anti-personnel mines will all grace the final half hour of this epic.
Gratuitous and bloody, "Blood Massacre" is appropriately titled. Whatever happened to the shapely Bonnie? Will the sexy Chrissy and Liz be able to use their allure on the lone female thug, Monica? Does Mrs. Parker have a recipe that includes the innards of evil thugs? Oh yes, as wild as this plot sounds...well, no spoilers here...but  what is revealed in the last 15 minutes will be quite shocking. For some bloody and gratuitous fun, see Don Dohler's "Blood Massacre." 

Friday, September 7, 2018

Literature Review: Cicada Summer

I remember them. Back then I was living in Rockville, Maryland. My wife told me that the 17 year cicada were going to hatch soon and infest the mid-Atlantic region...I didn't believe her. It didn't sound plausible that these buggers, the 17 year cicada, would lay eggs that would take 17 years to hatch. When I first heard them I figured car alarms were going off. Then there they were. Ugly things! They were all over our house, the trees, and attaching themselves to our clothes (this is how they would get in the house). I then eagerly awaited the Syfy Channel to make a film about them using bad CGI. Syfy passed, but Jeff Dosser stepped up and has given us Cicada Summer.
Matt Holmes, former cop and present park ranger. 34 years old and living fat and happy. He patrols and maintains a beautiful lake and park in rural Oklahoma. His passion for his work, to keep the park nice and vacationers safe is not an accidental passion. Uh oh...the 17 year cycle of these ugly buggers has brought...well, you'll see. A few mysterious deaths on parkland has marred the beginning of the summer. Mysterious to some, but the seemingly unconnected deaths has stirred something in Matt. Matt remembers 17 years ago when his mom was also a mysterious death, and something about the present day tragedy has brought the painful memories of that summer roaring back.So what's going on. At the outset of this novel, Mr. Dosser introduced us to a bloody and fatal hunt that took place over a century earlier. What was hunted? Is it back?
We like Ranger Matt. He is dedicated and smart. We'll meet his sultry GF, Colleen...a dance instructor. Something has re-emerged that also caused havoc 17 years ago and only Matt is putting the pieces together. As some incredibly gruesome deaths occur, and satanic/pagan activities start dotting the parkland, Matt will have to contend with a supernatural evil that may have corrupted his friends, neighbors, and colleagues. Now Matt is faced with the chore of uncovering an ages old horror, trying to defeat it, and also saving everyone in the world he has ever loved. To do that, he will have to enlist the aid of remnants of an ancient Native American culture in the form of a grandmother figure...who just happens to have the spite of 'Dirty Harry.'
What did Matt lose 17 years ago that has spurned him to take on this fight...and is the sultry Colleen on the monster's menu? What is at stake if Matt fails? Who is going to pack more firepower, Matt or the old lady I alluded to? This is a horrific and gory page-turner that Mr. Dosser has woven together. The rapid movement of the plot is symbolic of the horror that engulfs this region of Oklahoma in Cicada Summer. For a summer horror yarn that may keep you out of the park, enjoy this novel which is available on Amazon by clicking the below link.
Cicada Summer on Amazon

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Kill Cruise, A Salt and Two Skanks

A boat skipper and two party girls walk into a bar...which one is the lunatic? This question is actually pertinent to all of us. Put yourself in any group of three or four...I guarantee you, one of you will be a lunatic. Sure, exactly which one may be a mystery, at least for a little while, but as time goes by, the real lunatic will rear his (...or her), crazy head. Hence 1990's "Kill Cruise" (aka "Der Skipper").
The Skipper (Jurgen Prochnow) captains a nice yacht...no not a U Boat. Uh oh, the cops in Gibraltar believe he killed his wife's lover...but can't prove it. Enter two party girls in Gibraltar as lounge singers (...and sometimes strippers). Su (Patsy Kensit) and Lou (Elizabeth Hurley). For some mysterious reason they need to get out of Dodge and see the pathetic Skipper as their means to do so. Now a hopeless drunkard, and maybe a junkie, our two beauties seduce the guy to sail them to Barbados. Wearing party dresses, bikinis, some smart one-piece swimsuits, or nothing at all, our girls seem home free. The Skipper, well, he'll make out as well. But these two party-girls have the maturity of a sorority social director, and when the Skipper starts showing favoritism to Lou, Su begins acting...well...like a sorority girl who has been jilted. Nudity and sex await the Skipper, thanks to Lou, and a pouting Su will not take this laying down, at least by herself.
As the boat sails across the Atlantic, the trio become unglued. Su, based on some shoddy detective work, believes the Skipper is a murderer who intends to kill her and Lou. Lou wants a lot of sex with the Skipper. The Skipper starts thinking he should throw Su overboard. Then Su starts displaying behavior that indicates she is a homicidal lunatic, and Lou must decide between her and the Skipper. Or does she? As the film races to the final credits, it is obvious it will not end well...but for who?
Will The Skipper have to share Lou with Su? Or...will they gravitate to a threesome? Will a spear gun prove to be the demise of any of these three possible lunatics? Ms. Kensit and Ms. Hurley are both incredibly seductive in everything they do in this film. The three characters have a lot of unanswered questions about their past which indicate any of the three may be a homicidal lunatic..I guess we can also say that about ourselves. For some seductive fun and alluring mystery, check out "Kill Cruise," directed by Peter Keglevic.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Haunts, Pretty Swedish Dame in Much Peril

The sultry May Britt was a terrific actress from Sweden. She may best be known as a sultry femme fatale in several films...and also her second husband was Sammy Davis, Jr. No matter, in today's feature, 1976's "Haunts," Ms. Britt was over 40 years old when it was released. This is an awkward and uncomfortable film that seems very slow moving. Don't be fooled. Once you figure out what is happening, or what has happened, you will understand the appeal. Perhaps this film is a Giallo film that just happens to have been made in America.
The nubile blonde, Ingrid (Britt), awkwardly lives in a rural California town. She lives with her Uncle Carl (Cameron Mitchell) and helps out on his farm. She tends goats, goes to the butcher shop, and fends off rapists...ah the perils of being a babe in rural America. Unfortunately for Ingrid, every male in the town wants to rape her or jump  in the shower with her. More bad news, a murderer with a scissors is raping and taking apart the town's nubile females...and Ingrid believes she's next. More bad news, Ingrid has reason to believe her Uncle Carl is the evil culprit.
Experienced horror fans will quickly pick up on the fact that not everything is as it seems. The sheriff (Aldo Ray) seems to take an interest on our Swedish beauty. Does he also want to rape her? Even Uncle Carl may have an interest in his niece that isn't entirely wholesome. Uh oh...a backstory! We are let in on Ingrid's history in a painfully slow manner, but from what we see...well...Ingrid may not be a totally well-adjusted babe in peril. As the killer gets closer to making his move on Ingrid, and as she keeps taking showers which are interrupted by aroused men, we begin to see that a lot more is going on here...other than a psycho rapist/killer tearing up the town.
Will Ingrid survive the wrath of a very hormonal scissor-wielding killer? Are Uncle Carl or the sheriff to be trusted with Ingrid's well-being or purity? Is there a man in the entire state of California that isn't interested in jumping in the shower with Ingrid to ravage her? Plot twists will abound and a very uncomfortable final 30 minutes will reward you for sitting through the first 60 minutes of "Haunts" (directed by Herb Freed). At very least, even if this film is not your pleasure, May Britt's alluring performance may float your boat anyway.