Sure...they sing folk songs about it. The Loch Ness Monster. Children have cute stuffed animals made from its image. However, the slithery and toothy thing is indeed a monster. In our film today it is a relentless, unmerciful creature capable of all sorts of icky things...as we will find out in this film. Desire to pat and tame it if you will, but don't be fooled...a monster is still a monster no matter how many folk songs are sung in its honor. Today we look at 2022's "The Loch Ness Monster," directed by Tyler-James.
Old Nessie swims out of Loch Ness and into the North Sea. A submarine crew is tailing it...or is Nessie tailing the sub? No matter, the monster destroys the sub and all its crew. Now some mysterious foundation sends another team to find the sub. Uh oh...the nubile Lara (Becca Hirani), the hunk Bryce (Dan Gittens) will join this new mission as submersible operators. Also joining is the sultry Willow (Lila Lasso) the diver, and incompetent but sultry redhead doctor Ava (May Kelly). and a few more soon-to-be-eaten blokes. They will board a warship, a destroyer, and meet the other half of the crew...and they are a nefarious bunch. Yep, Ewan (Rob Kirtley) captains the ship and he is mean...don't worry...he will get his.
Soon, our good guys realize they are not on a mission to recover a sunken sub, but a mission to get the Loch Ness monster. This is bad news as the creature does not like people, unless they are on the buffet line. The monster attacks and eats a bunch of the crew. Alas, Willow is sent down in a shark cage and will not be as fortunate as Hooper was in "Jaws." Now Lara, Bryce, and Ava must survive the monster and the maniacal crew of the destroyer. Uh oh...the monster and the psychotic crew are the least of their worries. It seems Nessie has a surprise or two up its fin...an icky and horrific surprise.
Will our good guys be able to survive the monster, the crew, and the surprises? Instead of folk songs, will Heavy Metal noise now be written about Nessie? Will Bryce get to have pre-marital sex with any of the babes on board before they are eaten? Special mention for Lila Lasso...just like Kelly Hu, Rhona Mitra, and Kristi Angus, she has built a fine reputation as a babe actress who seems to die so horribly in horror films. See "The Loch Ness Horror," and stay away from Scotland.
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