Trucker, The Magnum Opus of Katherine Gibson

Yeah, we do have a terrific psycho film.  Yeah we do have a gore-fest.  Yeah we do have a great looking cast.  However, there is an obvious fact that we cannot ignore.  The lovely Katherine Gibson!  Call me on this, if you must, but this film was created as a vehicle for Katherine Gibson and her cleavage. The young actress plays a nubile high school grad in much peril.  The babe has a great tan, some nice short-shorts, and a tight cleavage friendly top. In just about all the scenes in this film, we can easily figure out she will be a final girl.  Our feature today is 2024's "Trucker," directed by Errol Sack...who must be Katherine Gibson's #1 fan.

Teens on a joy ride run a trucker off the road.  Alcohol and bad behavior assisted the teens in this but the main culprit is the driver, Dan (Dwayne Hilton, Jr.). Vanessa (Gibson) was almost passed out in the backseat and had little to do with this. Worse yet, the truck plunged into a ravine, caught on fire, and incinerated the trucker's family.  The teens stopped and went into the ravine and when Jeff saw the dying trucker, he pissed on him. All this witnessed by Old Man Levy (Chuck Cirino) who abducts Jeff and saves the trucker from burning to death. One year later, the teens are sworn to secrecy as no one has reported the crash. Jeff is listed as a missing person but his buddies know he's dead. Vanessa has a battle with guilt and grabs her BF Mike (Ivan Cardona) and go back to the crash site to figure out what happened and if Jeff may still be alive...he's not. 

Fearing Vanessa and Mike will spill the beans, Dan and his GF Cindy (Nicole Mattox), and several of their buddies head to the site.  Everyone finds the auto-wreck yard of Old Man Levy. The old guy has put the trucker back together and now the grieved trucker is a monster bent on revenge against the teens that murdered his family.  One by one, the trucker hunts down the teens with circular saws, bolt rivet guns, hunting daggers, flamethrowers, etc.  The teens die nicely and even are disemboweled occasionally.  Still Mike and Cindy try to escape but the old man has locked the fence and electrified it.  Now the sultry Vanessa, with her BF, and a decreasing amount of friends, try to stay alive.  The trucker? He's enjoying his quest for revenge too much to stop.

If the trucker grabs Vanessa, will he murder her...or do something more prurient?  Why isn't Katherine Gibson a household name?  In a movie with flamethrowers and bear traps, can a nubile, babe with impressive cleavage find love? This is a good one and the kills are gory.  For some good junkyard horror with imaginative weapons and cleavage, see "Trucker."  

Into the Grizzly Maze, Billy Bob Thornton and the Bear

Slow the plot down! Way down! So went the lyrics of a ballad performed by Joel and the 'bots on one of their MST3K shows. The makers of our film today seemed to follow that maxim. We have characters that do their best to slow the plot down.  From slow to...even slower. Billy Bob Thornton as an Alaskan Quint? Attacked by a grizzly many years ago he seeks to murder all of them. To the plot...he's useless. Scott Glenn? Thomas Jane? Piper Perabo? Slow the plot down! The two main babes in this film are a deaf photographer and a useless conservationist...babes, no doubt...but they do well to slow the plot down! Our feature today is 2015's "Into the Grizzly Maze," directed by David Hackl.

A grizzly, maybe a 20-footer...slashes some poachers. After spending seven years in the joint, Rowan (James Marsden) returns. His brother, Beckett (Jane), is the sheriff and not happy to see him. Oh, Jane, married to the deaf conservationist Michelle (Perabo)...yawn. Okay, Rowan is contracted to go find a poacher and Beckett responds to a series of fatal bear mauling events. Oh, Douglas (Thornton) wants to go kill the bear...the head, the tail, the whole damn...bear! Into the Alaskan wilderness they all go. The sheriff, Sully (Glenn) has his hottest deputy (Luisa d' Oliveira) eaten by the monster...so he heads into the wilderness too, though he goes a roundabout route and gets there much later.  

Just as Rowan and Kaley (Michaela McManus), the hot conservationist are about to have pre-marital sex, the bear takes her. Fortunately for her, Rowan wins the tug-o-war and gets her back. She'll be impaled by a tree branch later and won't be able to walk. She can't walk and Michelle (Perabo) the deaf wife of Beckett can't hear or talk...slow the plot down!  All this movie needs now is an eight-month pregnant woman. Now all the characters are in the Alaskan woods being hunted by this behemoth grizzly. Douglas, the bear hunter? Did I mention he's useless to the plot. So where does this all go? Well, a fiery conclusion awaits if you make it to the end. Warning...you'll be pulling for the bear.

Will Rowan ever get to have pre-marital sex with Kaley without getting interrupted by the wildlife? Did Beckett know what he was doing in marrying a dame that couldn't talk?  Will the bear lose interest in these humans, even though they are probably low-fat? Have some fun with  this one and watch it with a couple of buddies as you all play MST3K. See "Into the Grizzly Maze" and realize big name casts don't always provide big time efforts.

Intent to Kill, Traci Lords in a NC-17 Shoot 'Em Up

Traci Lords in a PG movie? Nah! Traci Lords in a Rated R movie? Sure!  Traci Lords in a NC-17 movie? Heck yes! NC-17 for gratuitous violence, blood, and suggestive eroticism. Gratuitous violence? The death count is in the thousands. Most of the LAPD is wiped out by machineguns and explosions. Most of the city's drug dealers are wiped out the same way. Traci Lords? Keeps her gun tucked inside her fishnets on her inner thigh. Now, go see "The Devil Wears Prada 2" if you're a wuss.  If you're a real man, see our feature today. Today we look at the uber violent and gratuitously gratuitous "Intent to Kill" from 1992, directed by Charles T. Kanganis.

As the film begins, Vicki (Lords) is getting glammed up. Shiny black bra, fishnets, garters...and a silver gun tucked into those fishnets. She'll go undercover as a whore and be picked up by a limo occupied four times. Sal (Angelo Tiffe) figures out she is a cop when he probes his knife under her leather miniskirt. A big shootout occurs...dozens die, and the limo blows up and Sal's stash is seized by Vicki.  On the case is Vicki's live-in BF and partner, Al (Scott Patterson). He's a two-timer and Vicki will eventually figure this out. Now Sal's boss will murder Sal if he does not replace the cocaine he lost. Sal goes on a rampage and murders anyone who  gets in his way in search of more cocaine. Vicki is disciplined and taken off the case. 

Vicki's a good cop and develops informants that will get her Sal.  Now Al seeks to undermine Vicki, as Vicki blew up his car. Uh oh...Sal gets scared as he can't steal enough blow to replace the lost stash...so he raids the police station, kills every cop in there, and steals his own stuff from evidence.  Now Vicki is mad, as her new beau (Michael M. Foley) was one of those cops.  Vicki has a lead on Sal's GF, Mia (Elena Sahagun)...and hopes she will lead her to Sal. What follows are a thousand more killings, explosions, one heck of a car chase, and an ending that will change the way you look at action/cop films.

Traci Lords is great...tough and alluring.  She looks great in fishnets and garters as well as armed with shotguns, revolvers, and pistols.  This straight to video release is a must see as Vicki is cut from the same cloth as Dirty Harry, and the carnage is right out of 1984's "The Terminator." For a sexy and vicious crime thriller, wit allure and gore, see "Intent to Kill."  

The Black Torment, A Haunted Mansion, Ghosts, and Euro-Babes in Peril

We have a nice one that will remind you of the Hammer horror films of yesteryear. Almost a Hammer offering, but maybe a bit too stiff. That English stiff upper lip thing, you know. No matter...the babes in this one all sport wonderful cleavage while wearing those Victorian gowns. I wonder if the babes back then really looked like that. No matter. Yep, the typical trope of an English lord, married abroad to a babe, bringing her back to his home estate, only to have their lives turned upside down by ghosts and family members still devoted to his first wife...now dead. Our feature today is 1964's "The Black Torment," directed by Robert Hartford-Davis.

Yep, Sir Richard (John Turner) returns to his mansion with his new bride, Lady Elizabeth and her cleavage (Heather Sears). Uh oh...the townsfolk who see him arrive are irate. Even though Richard was gone for three months, or so he says, the locals saw him riding at night being chased by his first wife as she screeches "Murderer." Even worse, the very buxom Lucy (Edina Ronay) has just been raped and murdered. Before dying, she told her would be rescuers Sir Richard was the culprit. This is all a surprise to Richard and to Elizabeth, who swear they were gone for 90 days. Welcoming them home, sort of, is Sir Giles (John Tomelty), his dad who is confined to a wheelchair, unable to move or speak after a stroke, his nurse, and the lovely Diane (Ann Lynn), who is the only one who can communicate with Giles through sign language. 

Ghostly yells are heard at night as Elizabeth and Richard share a marital bed. Yep, Anne's ghost hollers at the window she fell out of. Did she commit suicide or was she pushed. The ghost calls Richard a murderer. Uh oh...the buxom Mary (Annette Whiteley) is murdered in the barn. What's even worse, whenever Richard leaves, another Richard comes to take his place. Thus when Richard is chased all over the countryside by the vengeful Ann-ghost, Elizabeth is in the bedroom with...another Richard. Now Richard believes he is going mad.  It is here that Richard's most trusted valet, Seymour (Peter Arne) tells Elizabeth that criminal insanity runs in the family...of course. Uh oh...Richard is throwing fits of rage and even tries to strangle Elizabeth.  For Richard's part, he claims he was nowhere near the castle during these episodes as he was running from Anne's accusing ghost in the wilderness.

Is Anne back to gain vengeance on her killer, Richard?  Did Richard kill Anne or is there something more devious taking place?  Will the buxom Elizabeth survive her first few days in this apparently haunted mansion? The ending is loud and ambitious, and for a 1964 film, it has much eroticism and even has Elizabeth and Richard sleeping in the same bed...or whoever that guy is who looks like Richard. See "The Black Torment" for an exciting and sexy Gothic horror tale.    

Spiders on a Plane, Ick!!!

If a spider movie doesn't have at least a few scenes which provoke an "ICK!  THAT'S SO GROSS!" from the viewer, it is not worth seeing.  This one has dozens.  A really big ick factor. Spiders of all sizes infesting humans, climbing in every orifice, getting underneath contact lenses, dropping into the mouths of snoring airline passengers, and decimating stewardesses...yep, if you a queasy and afraid of spiders, this one won't help with that phobia. Our feature today is 2024's "Spiders on a Plane," directed by Ben J. Williams.

Backstory? I guess.  A mad scientist for the Russian mob, genetically altered spiders...blah blah blah. Not quite as horrific as Anthony Fauci, but still scary. You'll see. The mutated spiders are created and put aboard a 747 bound for the States (from England). Also aboard are stewardesses, pilots, annoying passengers, and four 20-year olds. Corrine (Alexandra Decauwe) is a babe that brings her three mates aboard to vacation in the States. The mates are the rich and fashion conscious Beth (Lauren Budd), the Goth-like Gracie (Lila Lasso), and the hunk with diarrhea, Zack (Gaston Alexander).  Turbulence soon after take-off causes the crate of spiders to fall and break open. Now millions of the buggers infest the airplane. Spiders of all sizes that grow fast.  Eventually there will be spiders as big as Volkswagen bugs on board.  They infest the cabin fast and kill most of the passengers, and the flight crew.  

Now the four friends are left alive with Elsa (Danielle Scott) the stewardess and Kieran (Connor Powles) the steward.  Oh yeah, the mad scientist (Rene Vrabel) who created them is also still alive.  They grab weapons like tennis rackets, coffee pots, and fire extinguishers.  A war begins.  The survivors must get to the cockpit and hopefully land the 747 now that the pilots are spider food.  The eight-legged buggers are ambitious and keep popping up.  In one scene, a soon-to-be-dead schmuck opens the latrine door only to have a million of these creepy crawlies bury him. All looks grim, but the few survivors are determined.

Will anyone make it to the cockpit and be able to land the airplane?  If the airplane lands safely, what will happen to the millions of genetically altered spiders?  Will I be itching all day long after seeing this film?  If you like your spider horror films icky...then enjoy "Spiders on a Plane."

The Anacondas, Bimbos vs. Snake

Just leave it to the guys. Let the manosphere take over. Bimbos on ambitious treks into the wilderness to look for things leads to failure and embarrassment. Picture Katy Perry as an astronette in her Fun-Land ride courtesy of Jeff Bezos. Still, this all makes great fodder for a movie by The Asylum for the Syfy Channel.  Let us look at a monster snake film, 2025's "The Anacondas," directed by...a man...Marcel Walz.

Dr. Marlene Potts (Danielle Titus) is deep in Mexico with more bimbos and some hunks to find a treasured Aztec artifact. It is never absolutely clear what that is. She waits with her bimbo pal, Jess (Bix Krieger). Jess is jealous because the big-boobed academic Bella Jacobs (Maureen Kedes) is on her way and she controls the funding for the expedition.  The big-boobed team is now complete and we meet the guide with a weird name, Yaretzi (Brian Russell). He descends from Aztecs and is proud of the land...yawn. They head in and everyone of the babes is wondering what Dr. Agustin Stiglitz (Dominic Keating) is thinking about them. Why? Their dames! Stiglitz tried to find this artifact and failed. Now he is on his way...but the guy takes his time.

Okay, the 25 foot anacondas attack and eventually start murdering the hunks.  They squeeze them to death and swallow their heads. A metaphor for how the feminists of our time treat weak guys?  The crew finds the ancient ruins of a snake temple and go inside to look for the...the...well, the artifacts. There, a two-mile long snake and his friends begin picking off the babes and hunks.  Marlene and Jess keep coming up with plans that are all lame-brain.  Stiglitz arrives and I must say his shooting technique is one to be admired by any competitive shooter on any gun range.  More babes will die horribly.  Stiglitz, with scars on his face, tries to save the bimbos, or what is left of them.

Will the snakes eat all the bimbos?  Are the big snakes a metaphor for what is now happening to the feminism movement ever since #MeToo ruined its credibility?  Stiglitz?  Seriously?  Still, this metaphor for the failing feminist movement is a lot of fun and the bimbos look nice even when they're snarling at one another or being eaten by monster snakes.  For some Syfy Channel fun, see "The Anacondas."    

Shock 'Em Dead, Traci Lords in Peril

No one ever comes out and says this obvious fact.  We'll say it here...Traci Lords is a pretty good actress. Pleasing to look at and often times she portrays a trash, or slutty character, but look deep...she does a fantastic job.  In our film today, her character has no business stealing the show...yet she does. Thrown in with demons, rock musicians, groupies, and centerfold type babes, we are looking at Miss Lords when she is on camera. So let us take a look at this 1990 horror film that might have been straight to video, "Shock 'Em Dead," directed by Mark Freed.

Martin (Stephen Quadros) is a loser.  He works at a pizza stand and his boss (Aldo Ray) hates him. He gets the opportunity to try out for a band and leaves for the audition. Aldo ray will fire him.  He won't get the gig. Now the landlord at his trailer park wants him out. Then Martin meets a voodoo priestess (Tyger Sodipe) and he agrees to sell his soul to the devil to become the world's greatest rock musician. It happens and he wakes in bed at a mansion with three babes who adore him (Karen Russell, Laurel Wiley, and Gina Parks). The lingerie clad babes are there for his every wish. Martin, now known as Angel, goes to rehearsal and blows everyone away with his guitar playing. There he meets Lindsay (Lords), the band's manager. Greg (Tim Moffett) plays bass and is Lindsay's fiancé. Jonny (Markus Grupa) is the lead singer and after the first concert, Angel humiliates Jonny and becomes the lead singer, too.

Lindsay is very happy and secures mega-recording and gig contracts from a big promoter (Troy Donahue). Now Angel wants Lindsay. Problem, these bargains with the devil have consequences and Angel needs to kill everyday, sometimes more, and eat his kill. He'll kill and eat slut fans, Aldo Ray, the trailer park landlord, and more.  Now he wants Lindsay as a bride but Greg intends to fight for the blonde manager. Lindsay realizes something is wrong with Angel and tries to flee.  She'll have catfights with the three sluts that serve Angel. Now Angel intends to do a voodoo blood rite to make her a demon vampire, just like him.

Will Greg be able to successfully fight off Angel and reclaim Lindsay?  Is Lindsay destined to be the bride of this demon?  What will the three slut demon babes who serve Angel do about Lindsay being around so  much?  This is a good entertaining horror film with a lot of action, bad music, and Traci Lords.  For a terrific horror film from the 90s that you have never seen, see "Shock 'Em Dead." 

Bears on a Ship, Yogi and Boo-Boo on The Love Boat

Okay, I don't want to hear any hate about this film. Sure, it only received a 2.8/10 rating on IMDB but it is a better movie than "The Color Purple," and the creature f/x are infinitely better than the ones in "The Devil Wears Prada 2." Also, this is the first bear film filmed on a cruise liner that has sunk. Really.  Filmed on the MV Aurora after it was sunk, the poor liner was docked in beautiful Stockton, CA undergoing repair when the water gushed in.  Finally it was towed away and scrapped...so sad.  But, not before genius filmmakers filmed 2025's "Bears on a Ship," directed by Eduardo Castrillo. I may say, the creepy setting of a dead ocean liner, with a storied history dating back to 1955, makes this film so worthwhile.

A Russian gangster pays Joe Bear (Christopher Wilson) a lot of dinero to go to Mexico and capture two grizzlies. Two of his hunters are shredded in the capture and now he brings the bears onto the Aurora for sail to the U.S.. Uh oh...an airline strike grounds all airlines and assorted airplane passengers pay Captain Carlos (Raymond Ruiz) for passage back to the States on the Aurora. Among the passengers are Missy (Erin Nolan) and her hubby Dave (Derek Crowe). They are rich and the rest of the passengers are not. Yep...a stoner, looking for a good time unlocks the cages and is eaten. Now the bears prowl the ship shredding everyone they meet. 

Highlights include the New Age bear whisperer woman who attempts to make friends with the beasts...she is clawed to death. The bears seem unstoppable. Okay, stop...no making fun of this movie on this blog!  You have to admit the creature f/x are better than the ones in the Talia Shire scare-a-thon "Prophecy." The bears look like...well, never mind. The passengers that are not shredded ban together, arm themselves, and now hunt the killers.

Enough of this plot which is gritty reality put to film.  Will Yogi and Boo-Boo make it to land in the U.S.?  Will Missy and Dave buy their ways to safety, or will the proletariat on the ship rebel and feed them to the bears?  Is this film a metaphor for Russia's invasion of Ukraine and the milquetoast response by NATO?  This is a good one and I stress, filming aboard a sunken cruise ship is such an appropriate touch for a killer bear film.  See "Bears on a Ship," and remove the need you have to see "The Devil Wears Prada 2."

Whisper Kill, Loni Anderson as a Psycho

Loni Anderson, the star of "WKRP in Cincinnati," was unquestionably the blonde bombshell of the 1980s.  She would eventually marry Burt Reynolds.  Though she played a bimbo secretary, the actress desired not to be type-cast as one.  A slasher?  Really?  Loni Anderson as a female Michael Myers.  Would that work?  Would it even work in a TV movie? Let us look at a 1988 TV movie starring our blonde bombshell, in a non-bimbo role. Our feature today is "Whisper Kill" (aka "Whisperkill"), directed by Christian Nyby II. He had just directed "Hill Street Blues" for the previous four years. Oh, his dad did some "Gilligan's Island," and "The Thing from Another World."

Liz (Anderson) runs a small town newspaper.  He partner and one-night stand Jerry is gutted by a brutal killer. Liz, embarrassed that she got drunk and let him have pre-marital sex with her did not like her partner...and even had motive to kill him. The killer calls his victims and in a muffled voice tells them they are next. If Jerry dies, Liz gets control of the entire paper, debt free. Dan (Joe Penny) arrives...hunk out of work reporter. He was coming to visit Jerry now dedicates his effort to finding the killer. Liz hesitantly hires Dan as a reporter. The two will have much pre-marital sex together as Liz will spend a great deal of the film in bed or in her impressive undies and lingerie. Joe is entranced by Liz and her beauty, even though he thinks she is the killer.  The killings continue and Dan has found out they actually began many years ago.  He also finds out if someone slept with Liz...they were murdered.

Dan is a good reporter and gets close to Liz.  They have pre-marital sex more often. Uh oh...Dan finds out Liz is under psychiatric care, was in a mental asylum, and killed her dad when she was 16. Uh oh, the schmuck (Joe Lerer) who owns the rival newspaper in town, is gutted by the same killer. Uh oh, Dan strong arms Liz' psychiatrist (Jeremy Slate) for information about Liz.  Dan also finds Liz' wealthy mother, a "Dear Abby" type personality, Winnie (June Lockhart).  Winnie provides Dan with more information about the raging nymphomaniac newspaper editor babe. Now Dan has gotten a call...while having pre-marital sex with Liz. Does this mean Liz is not the killer?  Nope. You'll see...but now Dan is convinced Liz is not the killer.  More die by the hands of the knife wielding killer. 

Is Liz really the killer, or is this too easy?  Can we blame Dan for having a lot of pre-marital sex with the nymphomaniac Liz...after all...it is Loni Anderson?  Will Dan's gutting be the end of this film, or is there a horrific twist that awaits?  This is a good one, and Loni Anderson provides some nice gratuitous underwear and lingerie action.  For a terrific TV movie from the 80s, heavy on the eroticism, see "Whisper Kill."  

The Face of Marble, Forerunner to Re-Animator

1985's "Re-Animator" was a perfect horror film. Directed by Stuart Gordon from an H.P. Lovecraft story, the gore-a-thon was just so much fun. Jeffrey Combs was the perfect mad scientist and Barbara Crampton's performance was the best scream queen portrayal of all time.  39 years earlier, this exact film was made and I'm sure you never saw it.  Today we look at 1946's "The Face of Marble," directed by William Beaudine and starring John Carradine as the mad scientist.

Dr. Charles Randolph (Carradine) had come up with a serum and machine that cures...death! Imagine that. Well...the process has not quite been perfected.  As the film begins, he and his hunk assistant, Dr. David Cochran (Robert Shayne) are trying to bring a corpse back to life...and it reanimates! The corpse, now living, has no facial expression and advances on the two doctors like it wants to murder them. Saved by a lightning  bolt...well timed, indeed. Now the two look to perfect the experiment but need...a corpse. Meanwhile, Charles' wife, the beautiful Elaine (Claudia Drake), unbeknownst to Charles, loves David. Uh oh...Elaine's devoted servant, Maria (Rosa Rey), does voodoo and casts spells to make David fall in love with Elaine.  This doesn't work. Oh, in Charles' desire for a corpse, he murders Elaine's huge hound and him and David bring it back to life. The hound is no longer friendly but a snarling devil dog that can pass through walls and doors as if it were a ghost.

Uh oh...surprise! The beautiful Linda (Maris Wrixon) visits. She is David's fiancé. Maria panics as she needs David to fall in love with Elaine. She'll try to murder Linda but accidentally kills Elaine. David and Charles rush Elaine's corpse to the lab and the duo do their thing and back from the dead is Elaine...sort of. Elaine is kind of...changed, and has similar attributes to her resurrected hound.  Now more murders will grace Dr. Randolph's mansion and a nosy detective (Thomas E. Jackson) investigates. Linda better be careful as Maria is still bent on uniting Elaine and David with love rituals.  Yep, Charles better be careful, too.

Will Linda and Elaine engage in a catfight while wearing negligees, in bed? Ha! No, I'm not being gratuitous!  Fooled you...THEY DO!!! Will the resurrected Elaine murder David or Charles?  Will Brutus the hound rip anyone's throat out?  This is a good one and almost the exact same film as the aforementioned 1985 classic.  See "The Face of Marble" and enjoy some negligee clad beauties in great peril.     

Megaboa, Big Snake Eats College Kids

Eric Roberts! Gotta like that!  Something about him just brings a smile to my face and makes me say, "I need to see that movie!" He's in this...and get this...he's in it for a substantial amount of scenes and lines. Today we have one from Syfy and The Asylum...yes! Whether its a boa or an anaconda, what is the difference?  Our feature today is 2021's "Megaboa," directed by Mario N. Bonassin.

Let's get one thing straight...it's a jungle. Not rain forest.  Jungle. So there...I said it. On an island off the coast of Columbia a big snake (like 60 feet long) eats Rex (Ray Acevedo).  His buddy, Joaquin (Joe Herrera) runs away...smart. On the beach, Professor Malone (Roberts) and his grad students have been dropped off.  They are going to take pics regarding prehistoric life that used to infest this jungle. His students? Allison (Michelle Elizabeth O'Shea), a sultry soldier girl pines for all those that never came home...yawn. The nerd and peacenik Grace (Emilia Torello)...we desire her to get eaten.  Hunk Adam (Garrett Schulte), a veritable seven on the hunk scale.  Benji (Vimala Veera), a brainiac who operates drones.  On their first night, Joaquin runs into camp panicked with tales of a big snake...the boa, not his. Bad news...Malone gets bitten by a spider and has 36 hours to live.

Mission...save Malone. Joaquin knows of an orchid that will save Malone's life.  He, Allison, Adam, Grace, and Jake (Jadon Cal Fitzpatrick) head into the JUNGLE to get the orchid. Oh, I didn't mention Jake. He'll get eaten first and regurgitated.  That's how I want to go! Uh oh...the orchid is up a tree and in the middle of hundreds of big boas.  Uh oh again, the really big boa arrives. Now the team must figure out a way to get the orchid, kill the big snake, and get back to Malone and save his life. Hence, you have an epic Syfy Channel movie! Oh...it'll get better when the giant spider in flames rears its ugly head. When the flaming arachnid battles the megeboa, it is such a beautiful sight. More snakes join the fracas ands also hunt the merry band of grad students and Joaquin.

Will Professor Malone be saved by the orchid?  Will any of his students make it back uneaten? Will Allison stop worrying about all those who didn't make it back long enough to see to it that her and her mates...make it back?  Over-the-top performances and a very likable character created by Eric Roberts are the highlights of this CGI heavy film.  If you like hunks, babes, big monsters, little monsters, and Syfy Channel films, see "Megaboa."  

The Incredible Petrified World, Prelude to a Catfight

I don't know why John Carradine films never get a rating on IMDB of above a 3.0 out of 10.  I mean if Diane Keaton's "Mrs. Soffel" gets a 6.1/10, then our feature today should get an 18! Yeah, there are monsters.  The film does begin with a death fight between a shark and an octopus. More importantly, the two babes in this film give one another the once over then steadily draw closer and  closer to one of those catfights in which they're pulling hair and scratching at one another's eyes. Babes stuck in unknown worlds can only lead to one thing...catfights. Let us look at 1959's "The Incredible Petrified World" (a much better film than "Mrs. Soffel"), directed by Jerry Warren.

Professor Millard Wyman (John Carradine) has invented an undersea dive bell. The oceanographer will send four peeps thousands of feet underwater to study unknown, and maybe still existing prehistoric species. Prof. Wyman brings his bell near the Florida Keys and is ready to lower it.  On board will be hunk Craig (Robert Clarke), his soon-to-be GF Lauri (Sheila Noonan), the reproterette/photographerette Dale (Phyllis Coates), and the dweeb Paul (Allen Windsor). Oh, just before getting in the bell, Dale receives a Dear Joan telegram from a guy who tells her to get lost and he hopes she'll drown and be eaten by fish. Many of us can relate to those sentiments, I'm sure. They dive and the cable snaps sending the bell on a freefall for thousands of feet. Before running out of air, the 4 divers don SCUBA suits, leave the bell, and make it to a series of underwater caves.

After an uneventful meeting with a Komodo dragon, the gang pairs up for mating purposes, Craig and Lauri and then Dale and Paul. Paul's a dweeb and Craig is a hunk so Dale is determined to scratch Lauri's eyes out.  Watching all this is some old guy (Maurice Bernard) who has been stuck in the caves for 14 years. He wants Dale as a mate but Dale is not happy about this. After talking to Dale for a few seconds, the old cave guy now wants to murder and eat her. On the surface, Dr. Wyman has not given up efforts to rescue his divers.  He's a good man and fortunately never really got to know Dale.  If he had, the professor may have decided to leave them down there.

Will Dale annihilate Lauri or vice versa?  Will Prof. Wyman be able to find and rescue his divers? Are there any mud pits in these underground caves in which Dale and Lauri can have a catfight in? This very entertaining adventure/scifi film is a lot of fun, so make sure and see "The Incredible Petrified World."

Hippo's Revenge, CGI Hippos!

CGI hippos? Why not? We've had CGI anacondas.  CGI dinosaurs. Heck, Biden was a CGI president.  Well, as bad as this movie is, it isn't as bad as Biden. Today we look at 2025's "Hippo's Revenge," directed by Sam P. Green.  Yep, where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them?  In all fairness, the final 45 seconds of this film is...well...what the first 81 minutes should have been.

Crispin (Jason Bailey)...idiot extraordinaire, runs a safari preserve in the middle of England.  His wife died...lucky her. Now he runs it with his idiot daughter Bug (Jenna Wilson), and his GF Aluna (Evyn George).  We meet all them and desire their demises. Okay, Crispin has just had a mother and baby hippo sent from Kenya.  During the process, mother hippo murdered two dockworkers...stomped on them. Now the hippos belong to Crispin and they have a large area to roam at the dullest safari park imaginable. Also on the preserve is dweeb Daniel (Tom Marchant).  Bug likes him but we don't.  The hippos?  Cute? Dull!  This is a movie in which you will develop a new found appreciation for poachers.  Then mother hippo bites the arm off Mr. Rogers (Richard Bobb-Semple)...he probably had it coming. 

Hippo carnage.  Most of it by stomping on heads or torsos. Okay, some nefarious people in England also want the hippos...why?  Because people in England have gotten real stupid since Tony Blair.  Go figure. The invading thugs converge on the preserve led by the idiot Sidney (Michael Hoad).  The guy has a beer gut and gets beat up by women, you'll see.  Him and his merry band of imbeciles then try to herd the hippos into a truck.  As you can imagine, this goes about as well as Starmer's economic policies. Crispin, Bug, Daniel, and Aluna?  They try to defend the preserve and the hippos not  realizing the hippos don't like them either.  But...to the credit of this film...the final minute is okay.

If you can do CGI hippos, why didn't the makers of this film select an animal we actually cared about... like a giant tarantula?  Is everyone in England as stupid as the characters in this film?  Is having your head crushed by the foot of a hippo a metaphor of what the Labour Party is doing to a once proud nation?  There is probably more of a market for this film than there is for that "Avatar" sequel, so let's not be too critical.  For hippo carnage, see "Hippo's Revenge."   

The Night of the Scorpion, Perverts, Deviants, and Murder

A veritable cacophony of deviance and perversion. Yep, we have an Italian/Spanish slasher production. Or, as we like to call it, a Giallo/Euro-Trash co-production. There is a heavy sexual theme, and none of it is wholesome sex. With a cast of characters we can call deviants and perverts, and a slasher, and sultry Euro-Babes, and an amnesiac hunk, and a nubile innocent babe, and a babe in a coffin, we have a goodie today.  Let us look at the sickly erotic 1972 film, "The Night of the Scorpion," directed by Alfonso Balcazar.

Okay, as the film opens, Euro-Babe Helen (Gioia Desideri) is being buried.  She just died, or was murdered. By who? At the funeral are her husband, the hunk Oliver (Jose Antonio Amor), Oliver's sister Jenny (Teresa Gimpera), and Sara (Nuria Torray). Oh, the sultry Sara was the wife of Oliver's late dad. Okay, so here goes...Jenny was also Helen's lesbian lover.  Sara, after her husband died, found comfort with Oliver in his bed. Total deviance. Oliver, an alcoholic, with blackouts, left the mansion and returns a year later...with his new bride Ruth (Daniela Giordano). Sara was upset he left as she is madly in love with Oliver...and still is, even as Ruth is the new mistress of the mansion. Jenny hates Ruth, too. As you can imagine. Oliver is now sober, that won't last. Sara is forever trying to seduce Oliver again. She spies, through a peephole, on Ruth and Oliver having steamy sex.

Yep...we need a slasher...and he, or she arrives. Throats will be cut.  Secrets will be protected.  Oliver struggles with his memory and does not know if Helen died of an accident or if he murdered her. Flashbacks reveal he caught Helen and his sister having steamy sex. Ruth gets suspicious as no one tells her anything and hires a private eye (Osvaldo Genazzani)...he won't get far in his investigation. Ah! I forgot to mention the sultry French maid, Clara (Alicia Tomas). She knew and liked Helen very much. How much? Get your mind out of the gutter. We like Clara...she seems very clean cut and looks sultry in her French maid outfit. Okay, whoever the killer is, he or she gets ambitious and even the beautiful will begin dying horribly. Now Ruth is prevented from leaving as Sara keeps spying on her in the marital bed.

Just who is the killer, and might it be Ruth...or maybe Helen is not really dead?  Will Jenny attempt to seduce Oliver's new wife just as she did his first wife?  Will Sara convince her stepson that she is the only woman who is woman enough for him?  Total deviance with no break through out the 90 minutes of this film.  For an erotic European slasher/horror goodie, see "The Night of the Scorpion."   

Frenzy, Sharks and Vlogs

"Frenzy"? Yep...and no, not the Hitchcock one. A shark movie from our buddies at Syfy! A Syfy Original we have today with three great big great whites. The cast? Babes and hunks. Their chances of surviving? Nil. Still, before calling this film hokey, corny, and stupid, I might remind you the ending to "Jaws" was actually not possible. Myth Busters proved that. But we have babes in bikinis and wetsuits, and toothy menaces. Our feature today is 2018's "Frenzy" (aka "Surrounded"), directed by Jose Montesinos.

The beautiful Paige (Gina Vitori), an extreme explorer, has a Vlog with millions of followers. Her and her team are going swimming with the sharks in a South Pacific locale...or that's their aim. Along for the ride is Paige's younger sister Lindsey (Aubrey Reynolds) who is also a babe and is frequently bikini clad. Seb (Taylor Jorgensen) is Lindsey's BF and he's a hunk, and is also banging Paige...cad! Then there are two throwaways, Kahaia (Lanett Tachel) and Evan (Michael S. New)...shark food. They take a private plane, with its beacon turned off, and go under the radar to a secret location. There, the plane breaks in the air and now all on bord are in the ocean, scattered. We see Lindsey first. She comes to the surface and seems to be alone.  She's not. Nope...three great whites are nearby and have already eaten the pilot.

Scared, Lindsey calls for her buddies and Kahaia soon appears. She'll be eaten as Lindsey finds a raft and climbs in. Seb also appears...and last for about a minute before he's eaten. Where's Paige? No sign of her. The sharks begin attacking the inflatable raft and Lindsey rows toward a small cove on an islet. Now the sharks converge on her and she remembers the past few days in flashbacks. Sex with Seb. Her sister double-crossing her. Learning SCUBA. How to kill 20-foot great whites. Wait...okay, so she picks the last one up on the fly. As the sharks hunt her, Lindsey makes up her mind...kill the maneaters before they eat her. Good plan and it allows for gritty  realism to seep into this film. 

Where is Paige?  Can Lindsey kill a total of 60 feet worth of great whites all by her lonesome self? Will the sharks be as impressed with this influencer wannabe as we are? Surprises and heartbreak abound. The ending will be such a beautiful thing and 100% realistic...well, maybe 20%.  For some fun, and if you enjoy Syfy Originals, see "Frenzy." 

Piranha, William Smith's Magnum Opus

Piranha! Uh...no, not that one.  Oh...no, not that one either.  Wait...no, not that one...or any of those sequels.  Before there were those more famous piranha films of Roger Corman or Joe Dante...or even James Cameron (the Titanic guy) made one...there was the 1972 not-quite-a-masterpiece film that starred one of the great heavies of the past 60 years...William Smith. Yep...in this one he is as deadly as a bunch of these toothy fish.  Our feature today is 1972's "Piranha," directed by Bill Gibson.

Caribe (Smith) is a hunter. He hunts for the thrill of the kill. He even traps monkeys and feeds them to anacondas just for the fun of it. Beats on-line betting or phone app betting of NFL games if you ask me. Then, two American arrive in Venezuela.  The sultry blonde Terry (Ahna Capri) and her brother Art (Tom Simcox). Terry is a photographer who believes no animal should ever be killed by human. Yep, she'll change her mind real fast after she enters the Amazon. Her brother is a gadabout who succeeds in banging a sultry Venezuelan slut (Julie Teca) in Caracas. Good for him! Now they hire a guide, the handsome Jim (Peter Brown).  Lucky for Terry that Peter brings a gun as  she shoots an offending rattlesnake right off the bat as it sprung at the nubile blonde babe.

The go further into the Amazon so Terry can get more photos of the wildlife. She has a grant to do it.  There they meet Caribe who smiles at them as an anaconda smiles at a hog. We know what he has on his mind. Rape and murder. Uh oh...Caribe gets Terry's juices going even though she hates the concept of hunting and killing animals. Jim hates Caribe from the outset and loses a motorcycle race to him that went through a swampy Amazon landscape. Caribe brings the trio further and further into the Amazon as Art is now after diamonds which seem prevalent in the basin. Now, well into the Amazon, just like an anaconda, or rattlesnake, Caribe springs.  Poor Terry...the thug wants a sex toy and Terry has tons more sex appeal than the local Indians. Now the trio is at Caribe's mercy and he is a vicious killer.

Will the nubile blonde Terry be soiled by Caribe and fed to piranhas?  Will Art and Jim stand a chance against this monster in his own home turf?  Are the piranhas, referenced in the title of this film, going to be part of the final reveal?  This is brutal one and the fate of Terry may make many of you wince. For piranhas, anacondas, rattlesnakes, gators (or are they crocs?), electric eels, etc...and a complete psycho, see William Smith in his magnum opus, "Piranha."