Road Wars, The Asylum Does Mad Max

Again we turn to our friends from The Asylum.  A post-apocalyptic epic in the style of 'Mad Max.'  Handsome hunks with attitudes and babes with similar attitudes.  A virus wipes out mankind except for a few. Juiced up hotrods fitted with machineguns, harpoon guns, and flame throwers.  Sounds like Interstate 95, I know.  This is a good one which also has elements of the zombie-apocalypse subgenre.  Today we look at 2015's "Road Wars," directed by Mark Atkins.

A virus has wiped out civilization leaving America looking like a landscape from "Road Warrior."  Bands of survivors who look like biker gangs dot the landscape and battle one another for resources.  They also battle the virus-laden population.  The virus looks like rabies and has changed the infected into frothing lunatics hungering for human flesh.  Dallas (John Freeman) leads a small gang who seem like good sorts.  With them is Susan (Jane Hae Kim), a doctor who wants to develop a serum.  One day, while scouting, blonde babe Nakada (Chloe Farnsworth) and her BF Kevin (Phillip Andre Botello) meet the infected and Kevin is bitten.  Ignoring protocol, Nakada refuses to kill him and instead ties him up.

Enter an amnesiac, Thorne (Cole Parker).  Who is he? We don't know. An inch from death, Dallas' group nurses him back to health.  He seems like a good sort...but how would we know?  Susan believes Thorne is one of few humans with an immunity to the virus and the cure or vaccine can be made from his blood.  This makes Thorne the MVP of the camp.  Uh oh...the infected keep attacking and Dallas' gang also has more run ins with psycho biker gangs.  A bigger problem emerges, the psycho gangs seem to know Thorne and respect him.  What happens next will be a series of twists and turns...and the plot will thicken.

Who exactly is Thorne, and might he be one of the bad guys?  Will Susan be able to develop a cure for this rabies type virus?  Will Nakada ever let go of past loves and blow Kevin's head off?  This is a good one. There are some nice battle scenes in the post-apocalyptic landscape.  Nothing will be standard in this film and the question of who are the good guys and who are the bad guys is hardly a simple one.  Enjoy a thoughtful and vicious post-apocalyptic film from The Asylum and watch "Road Wars."  

Death Metal, When Bands Fall from Grace

Its painful...a popular band begins its decline.  The members begin bickering and looking to branch off on their own.  Critics get downright mean.  Record sales plummet.  Desperation seeps in to figure out new material.  Record labels don't return phone calls.  Satan emerges with a horde of demons to possess and rip the talent apart.  Wait...what?  You heard me.  It will be gory, scary, and perhaps a good metaphor for the music industry and the ephemeral nature of popularity and adoration.  Today's feature is shocking horror at its loudest, 2023's "Death Metal," written and directed by Michaël Kuciak.

Abyssinister is a metal band on the downfall.  The above description applies to them.  Ivan (Nico Zahniser) leads his musical faux satanists on what is shaping up to be their last tour.  Their European tour was a failure...except for one factor.  Ivan managed to pick up the very last written copy of "Devil's Concerto." Over a 100 years ago a weird composer (Stefanie Barber) wrote it and when it was played, the audience was driven mad.  So mad, they all murdered one another.  All copies of it were then destroyed except for one...and Ivan has it.  A weird producer named Fleming (Ray Goodwin), who is very thirsty, believes in Abyssinister.  He invites the band to his out of the way farm to cut a new album.  Ivan knows they will succeed.  By the way, Shadia (Shadia Martin) is Ivan's GF and she is lovely.  She seems to be the business manager.  

Now Ivan springs his surprise on his musicians...The Devil's Concerto.  He plays it and guess what!  The lovely Anya (KateLynn E. Newberry) will be possessed first...this will not bode well for her two lovers in the band...you'll see.  The possessions, deaths, and subsequent demons will be gory and vicious.  Possessions will rule the day and eyes will pop out, spines will be pulled out, heads will roll, and fangs will tear out chunks of flesh.  The demons will go through Abyssinister like crap through a goose.  But wait!  Shadia might have figured out a way to reverse the concerto's curse. She better hurry as the band is falling apart...or being torn apart, actually.  Gore and loud music will combine to form a shocking horror film with plenty of social commentary.  All of you in the music industry will see the metaphors as obvious and pertinent.

Will Shadia be able to save Ivan, her lover, and other band members?  Will Anya as a demon be able to get even more lovers in Abyssinister?  However evil and bloody, isn't this music a lot less dangerous than the sappy Taylor Swift ballads?  This may be the best music horror film ever.  Ambitious, shocking, and gory...see "Death Metal" and re-evaluate your desire to make it big in the music industry.  

Phoenix, WWE Meets the MMA

Oh wow!  Finally something we've yearned for...for years! A hot and bloody catfight fight between WWE's Eva Marie and Bai Ling!  Yes!  Throw in MMA's Randy Couture, machineguns, bombs. explosions, knives, stilettos, and slinky evening gowns!  A made for Tubi original is our feature today, 2023's "Phoenix," directed by Daniel Zirilli.  Whatever is in this film, the mere fact we get to see a professional wrestling babe in a slinky gown murder a goon with one of her stilettos...well, do we need anything else.

We got our behinds kicked in Afghanistan.  Just before pulling out, Fiona (Natalie Eva Marie) is called home.  She trains the troops on combat fighting.  The babe can beat up any soldier.  Sadly, her dad (Couture) has been murdered by the syndicate boss, Maxim (Oleg Prudius).  Maxim and his main henchwoman, Scavenger (Ling), murder and extort throughout Miami.  Now Fiona swears bloody revenge.  She dons a slinky gown and stilettos (I know, I keep mentioning this) and shows up at Maxim's nightclub and kills a lot of his men.  Now Maxim wants Fiona dead.  Scavenger will get a shot at Fiona.  Bai Ling looks great in those tight satin pants...but Fiona and her will have a catfight to the death.  Guess who wins?

Now Maxim sends a lot of death squads after Fiona.  Fiona hooks up with her dad's former bodyguard, the hunk Artemis (Jonathan Camp).  He is a good fighter and shoots a machinegun well.  The two will become chummy.  More machinegun fights will occur, more things will blow up, and more of Maxim's men will get shredded.  Oh yes, a final showdown beckons.  Before that, there will be another catfight and even more machinegun fights, explosions, and stabbings.  Fiona is determined.  Oh!  Did I mention that Bai Ling burns the Mayor of Miami to death?  Not a very significant scene, but worth noting no one seems to be saddened by that.

Will Fiona and Artemis engage in pre-marital sex during their war with Maxim and his heavies?  Will the Florida Democratic Party blame President Trump for the death of the Miami mayor?  With Fiona in Afghanistan, how did we ever lose to the Taliban?  See "Phoenix," it is exciting, refreshing, and the beef and cheese factors are off the charts.  

Pterodactyl, Babes vs. Dinosaur Birds

No matter how nubile you are...or beautiful...or sexy...or how many pheromones you secrete...no sultry babe is above getting picked up by a dinosaur bird and being picked apart 200 feet above the ground by that monster's compadres.  Happens.  A horde of pterodactyls hover over England, hence bad things are going to happen...especially to the nubile among us.  Enter our buddies at Jagged Edge Productions as they give us 2022's "Pterodactyl," directed by Sophie Storm K.

Babes, Lyn (Danielle Scott) and Saskia (Chelsea Greenwood) are hiking in the U.K. countryside... Saskia gets ripped into little pieces and eaten by pterodactyls.  Lyn is sad and scared and runs off.  Meanwhile, Dee (Sarah Alexandra Marks) is worried that her sister, Lyn, has not contacted her.  She convinces her babe friends, Lucy (Chrissie Wunna), Carla (Sarah T. Cohen), and Betsy (Mary Kelly) to go with her to the countryside and search for her.  The friends hesitantly agree...mistake.  Once there, it is apparent that the little town is keeping a secret.  The babes go into the countryside and begin searching.  Another mistake.

The angry dinosaur birds are happy as a buffet line seems to have come to them.  The pretty will fall in bloody fashion as the birds go through them like crap through a goose.  Now Dee and her surviving (uneaten) buddies must outsmart the birds in their search for Lyn.  Lyn?  She's alive...and toughened up as she has learned survival skills the hard way.  Uh oh...the birds aren't the only problem for the remaining nubiles.  The town constable and innkeeper (Rob Kirtley and Darrell Griggs) are bent on keeping the pterodactyls secret.  They are determined to keep these monsters secret even if it means killing the babes, themselves. 

Just why do the townsfolk desire to keep the monsters a secret?  Will Lyn, Dee, and any surviving babe have a chance at surviving until the end credits?  Will one of this blog's favorite actresses (Chrissie Wunna) survive or be eaten...by monsters?  This one has a lot of cheese, and some really neat bird monsters.  For a terrific creature feature from the U.K., see "Pterodactyl."

Candy Land, Truck Stop Carnage

Not the feel good movie of the 21st century...nope.  You'll figure out early on that this one won't end well...hehehe, you have no idea. Prurient, bloody, and filled with disturbing imagery...many of you will regret having put this one on.  Still, this is a horror story that is horrific.  Depravity and delusion will rule. No one in this film is beyond getting slashed and gutted.  Today we look at 2022's "Candy Land," directed by John Swab.

Lot lizards!  The "ladies" who work truck stops servicing exhausted truckers.  Call them prostitutes if you must.  Sadie (Sam Quartin) seems to be the one with the most standing. As our film opens, she is servicing an eager trucker in his cab.  Her buddies include the male-whore Levi (Owen Campbell) and the playful Riley (Eden Brolin).  They are all deviant and also "service" one another. Uh oh...a troop of gospel preachers show up.  They appear to be a family. A fire and brimstone preacher, Theo (Brad Carter), gives them gospel tracts and begs them to repent.  The lizards laugh at him. Theo's daughter, Remy (Olivia Luccardi) doesn't laugh...she seems intrigued by these sexual sinners. That night, Remy appears to have run away from her family (cult?) and has showed up at the lizards' hotel.  The gals take her in and she is hired.

Now Remy is schooled in prostitution and given clients.  The gals like her.  The corpses begin piling up at this point.  See, Remy has brought with her a big cross with a big knife secreted inside.  Remy sees herself as the savior of these girls and the evil truckers who hire the gals.  She saves them through gutting them and slicing their throats. One by one, truckers are cut up.  The lot lizards have no clue...then one by one, they begin dying horribly. Remy's brand of salvation is quick and bloody.  The body count explodes upwards through the second half of this film.  Now, having tasted blood, and made so many new friends, Remy ramps up her efforts to "purify" all of them.

Will any of the lot lizards figure out what exactly Remy is before all of them die?  What is Remy's end game?  Will we see anymore of Theo and his cult before the end credits?  What an ending.  Just when you thought it could not get bloodier...well, you'll see. Not for the squeamish, and not for anyone wanting some wit, humor, and stress relief in their horror films.  Brutal and ominous, see "Candy Land" if you dare...but you were warned.  

I Need Me Gold! by B. Harrison Smith, Literature Review

Yeah right...Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Anniston!  Fine...I said it. The 1992 movie "Leprechaun" was her first movie, made before she was Jennifer Anniston. Begrudgingly, we must give Telly Savalas' goddaughter credit for helping boost modern day interest in this horror film.  In reality, thanks to B. Harrison Smith, we know "Leprechaun" was much more than that. The legitimately Indie and low-budget film is an anthem to hard work, taking risks, and a most entertaining horror film.  Jennifer Anniston aside, the heroes in Mr. Harrison's tome are guys like Mark Jones, Mark Holton, and Warwick Davis.  An anthem to the little guy...pun gratuitously intended. Today we look at Mr. Smith's book I Need Me Gold! By the way, this book is available on Amazon at this link I NEED ME GOLD   

I am biased, I loved "Leprechaun," and all its sequels...even the one in outer space.  Mr. Smith has to remind us exactly what "Leprechaun" was and why it is so significant.  The 80s were over.  The golden age of slasher horror gave way to the 90s.  The 90s were ushering in video stores, straight to VHS, and cable and the beginning of the end to a medium that would have been more fitting to its release (slasher films in the theater).  "Leprechaun" would have to succeed on its own merits and not the public's expectation for a weekend release of the latest slasher film.  Mark Jones (director) would take a chance and sell his idea.  A hard sell.  A sell to an industry not thirsting for this horror.  He'd have to go toe-to-toe with execs bent on micromanaging his effort, getting rid of him, and exploiting young talent.

Not a nobody, but quite capable, Mr. Jones had a good name in Hollywood...not as a director, though. He'd have to play studio bigwigs against each other, take a lot of risks, sell the film to some very talented stars (Ms. Anniston and Warwick Davis, and Mr. Holton).  Thanks to Mr. Smith, we see how Mr. Jones did that keeping true to his dream, not selling out, and refusing to betray or exploit some fine young actors and actresses.  Ms. Anniston, at the time was merely a sweet nobody, was ripe for exploitation...and Mr. Jones would not have that.  What happened during filming was quite heroic...and a fine horror film that grew into a franchise was born.  Read this book and see a very unlikely story.  The good guys won...a rarity in today's movie industry.  "Leprechaun" may be the feel good story of 1992.

This book is required reading for all you youngsters desiring to make films.  Warning...Mr. Smith (an accomplished moviemaker, himself) might preach something you don't want to hear...hard work.  The luck of the Irish seems a lot more prevalent when you work hard.  Take Mr. Smith's advice...dream away...and work hard. You'll see no one trashed, a rarity in books about film and filmmakers.  Mr. Smith treats everyone with respect and admiration...so refreshing.  Read I Need Me Gold! today and then go find "Leprechaun" on VHS (okay, fine, DVD).

Murdercise, Babes, Gore, and Aerobics

Ah, the 80s! Remember those tight shiny aerobic costumes and leg warmers? Every babe star posed in them, even if they didn't do aerobics. Heather Locklear, Emma Samms, Heather Thomas, etc!  Thanks to filmmakers Paul Ragsdale and Angelica De Alba (A&P Productions), we have a babe filled gore-fest that brings all this 80s cheese back.  The cast is filled with babes clad in those outfits, or in nothing at all.  The gore is over-the-top...and it stars the bikini babe from PSYCHO APE , Kansas Bowling.  Today we look at 2023's "Murdercise."

Our film begins with a gratuitous shower scene, thanks to August Kyss. Okay, fast-forward...she's murdered by two thug cop imposters (Anthony Iava To'omata and Robert Fourre). They'll play big later in this film. A production company is filming a gratuitous aerobics video. The cast includes strippers, perverts, communists, and gangsters. They all look great bouncing up and down and all shiny in their costumes.  But wait!  There is a clean cut babe, though very homicidal, in the cast...Phoebe (Bowling). She desires to make a clean cut video...fat chance.  When a new cast member, a gangster's daughter, Isabella (Nina Lanea Kent) joins the team, the two become buddies.  Isabella loosens Phoebe up with cocaine and criminal wisdom.  Before she knows it, Phoebe is murdering her way to be selected cover girl for this video.

The beautiful will die horribly and in their shiny costumes.  Candy (Jessa Flux) will get it first...and this homicide will be accidental.  The rest of the homicides?  Well, they do say the first one is the hardest and the next are so much easier.  As brutal as Phoebe gets...she does charm us.  Sure she's a killer, but such a good girl.  Uh oh...the sultry Cassandra (Krystal Shay) inadvertently leads some serial killers to the studio.  What follows is more cheese, more gratuitous aerobic work-outs, and bloody gore.  All out war will ensue and at stake is who gets selected to be the cover girl for the video...and who gets to live.  Kiana Tom would be proud at what is put on the silver screen by Mr. Ragsdale and Ms. De Alba. Miss Bowling is sultry as well is all the cast.  The guys are all menacing goons but endearing in a slasher type of way.

Will the kind of clean cut Phoebe kill her way to be cover girl?  Will our serial killers strangle the life out of this aerobics video?  Are hot and shiny aerobic outfits what really did in the former Soviet Union?  If you want cheese in the film you watch tonight you won't find more than in this one.  Bring back those aerobic outfits, bring back the 80s slasher film, and bring back President Reagan...all that is satisfied in "Murdercise."

The Alien Factor, Aliens Shred Maryland

Don Dohler!  God rest his soul.  The Maryland filmmaker is inspiration to all movie making hopefuls who have no money.  Mr. Dohler, a Maryland resident, did not need Hollywood...he just needed the greater Baltimore area. What he gave us were ambitious horror/scifi tales with imaginative creatures, spaceships, townsfolk in panic, and an occasional babe (a rarity in Maryland).  Today we look at his 1978 film, "The Alien Factor," starring no one you have ever heard of...that's kind of the point.

Two hormone driven young people make out in a VW...no doubt pre-marital sex is on the menu. But wait, a puritanical evil alien attacks, shreds the guy and chases away Mary Jane (Eleanor Herman) with her chastity intact. She's in shock and the sheriff (Tom Griffith) presses the doctors about what could have done this to the guy.  He'll remain pretty clueless through the film.  The doctors (Anne Frith and George Stover) see weird things about the corpse. Along comes Ben (Don Leifert), who is supposedly an astronomer from a local observatory.  He watched meteors crash into the woods by the town and wants to go investigate. He'll trek into the woods and find a crashed spaceship and a wounded alien.  The wounded alien tells him of the zoological specimens aboard his ship which have all escaped into the woods.

Enter babe Edie (Mary Mertens). She obviously gets her hair done at the same place Mary Jane got hers done.  The Farrah Fawcett look was big in '78...as was disco...but never mind. Now the escaped aliens go through Oriole fans like crap through a goose.  Yankee fans will be amused by this as Reggie Jackson was just about to win them a World Series.  Mary Jane gets better and thanks everyone for helping her.  The babe will then be chased again by the creatures and boy can she scream!  Edie will go into the woods and we'll hear her scream, too.  Ben seems to know what Maryland is up against and devises an ambitious plan to combat the alien invasion.

Will Edie and Mary Jane realize there can only be one Farrah-babe in Maryland and engage in a catfight to the death?  Will Ben be able to kill the evil aliens?  Are the evil aliens just misunderstood and should we refer to them as 'undocumented visitors'?  This is a good one. Almost no budget but determination and imagination.  We miss filmmakers like Don Dohler...though I just know more will emerge, inspired by this ingenious Marylander.  See "The Alien Factor" and enjoy the creatures, babes, and big hair.    

Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, The Meg vs. Oil Rig

Fooling around with Mother Nature rarely turns out well.  Unless you have successfully bought off the EPA...which many have.  Bribe the EPA and give the right congressman and senators enough bribes and you can pollute all you want and still get the Greta Thunberg Friend of the Earth Award! Alas, big prehistoric sharks are not as corrupt as the Greta Thunbergs or Al Gores of the world.  Nope...the megs that have creeped back into our consciousness are ticked off at what we're doing to the oceans.  Hence a gem, directed by Mark Polonia, 2021's "Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse."

Okay...first of all...one must commend the cheese in this Polonia Brothers film.  Bikini babes are a big part of it.  A meg eating a bikini babe is even a bigger part of this film. As the film opens, some nice gratuitous cheesecake is served in the person of bikini babe Kate Farber...she's eaten.  Alas, an oil rig off shore is drilling deeper than any rig ever has drilled.  The EPA is upset, probably because their kickbacks aren't as big as they'd like.  Roy (James Carolus) and Duncan (Jeff Kirkendall) are two schmuck rig workers pondering the existence of a prehistoric megalodon. Meanwhile, two nice kids, Barry (Nico Bryant) and Mill (James Kelly) figure on finding stolen artwork. The megalodon will have something to say about this, unfortunately.

Okay!  Corrupt oil execs, like Nina Boswell (Kathryn Sue Young) are determined to keep the activities of the rig secret from government oversight.  Her two henchmen, Dodds (Tim Hatch) and Parks (Jamie Morgan) are assigned to do whatever it takes to keep the public from finding out the rig's activities may be inspiring the meg to eat bikini beauties.  Oh yes, the big shark will continue eating bikini babes throughout this film, not before some gratuitous bikini action is put on the silver screen.  Now the meg attacks the rig and everything else.  Duncan and Roy survive, but Dodds and Parks find them.  Realizing the two rig workers know too much, the two henchmen figure on using the two schmucks for bait to attract the shark.

Will Duncan and Roy escape the evil plans of Big Oil and end up landing their own uneaten bikini babes?  Will Mill and Barry find their stolen art or will the meg find them first?  Is the big prehistoric shark a metaphor for an increasingly suspicious public, ready to spring at and take down Big Oil and corrupt politicians?  Great cheese and cheesy gore f/x make this a very entertaining film. See "Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse" today.

Beyond Loch Ness, Dinosaur Invades the Great Lakes

Gotta love Brian Krause!  He's an actor that makes movies we actually want to see.  Anyway...Brian Krause, not as a wedding coordinator, nor a novelist, nor a bakery chef, nor an advertising exec...nope, you can go find those on Hallmark.  In today's film he plays a cryptozoologist with a vendetta.  Yes!  I should also say...he plays a real man!  Not a man who cooks and serves baguettes with his meals...nope!  He carries Russian made secret weapons, has a scar, and swears revenge on the monster that ate his kinfolk many years ago. Today we look at 2008's "Beyond Loch Ness," directed by Paul Ziller.

Young James, on the banks of Loch Ness, sees Nessie emerge from the depths and eat his dad and uncles. Happens. Now as an adult, he searches for the elusive monster.  With a cache of neat weapons in tow, he shows up on the banks of Lake Superior because a crazy old man, Sean (Donnelly Rhodes), read his blog and wrote him that Nessie was there.  Oh no, Nessie eats Sean...but James (Krause) shows up anyway.  He befriends a young man named Josh (Niall Matter).  Josh has just broken up with the very sweet Zoe (Amber Borycki), who is now dating a real idiot, Brody (Sebastian Stewart). Okay, with SONAR devices, James confirms Nessie's presence.  Now Nessie is getting aggressive and eating the locals.  Uh oh, Zoe, Chad, and two buddies (which include the sultry Serinda Swan) go to a remote island for pre-marital sex, marijuana, and alcohol.

Nessie continues going through locals like crap through a goose.  Josh' mom, Karen (Carrie Genzel), is the hot police chief.  Now she starts investigating cases of half-eaten locals.  Soon James, Josh, and Karen team up to find Nessie.  Oh yes, and this is traumatic, Serinda Swan gets her head bitten off (by the Nessie, of course).  With Josh' ex-GF in peril, he mans up for a rescue mission.  Karen and James go along with some nice weapons, for a hunting mission.  Surprises are in store.  Nessie isn't their only worry...you may see this plot twist from a mile away.  A major war will take place and mankind's survival hangs in the balance!  Okay, maybe I'm overstating the problem at hand, just a bit.

Will Josh get Zoe back?  Will the salty and slightly deranged James land him a police chief babe?  Will the feds come down on Karen and James for violating the Federal Endangered Species Act? There is a lot of gore in this one.  Mr. Krause turns in a classic performance as an Ahab like figure, complete with a scar on his face.  For some good monster fare, with plenty of beef and cheese, see "Beyond Loch Ness."  

Revenge of the Empire of the Apes, Simians and a Space-Babe Frolic

Charlton Heston would have made it big if the Polonia brothers were making movies in the 60s.  Okay, are there more definitive scenes, in any film, demonstrating the plight of misunderstood apes, than when space-babe Jamie Morgan strips to her leopard print intimates and orders an ape to tie her up and whip her?  Perhaps the original "Planet of the Apes" could have used this type of metaphor. A bit of "Planet of the Apes," a bit of "Star Wars," a bit of "2001: A Space Odyssey," and a healthy spoonful of deviant S&M action make up today's film, 2023's "Revenge of the Empire of the Apes," directed by Mark Polonia. 

Space-babe (Morgan) is bound in a prison ship.  Soon she will be given to mutant ape Mongo so that he can have his way with her.  This won't go well. Meanwhile, Gory and Cobo (Tim Hatch and Herk Reynolds) are two rebel apes upset at how the all knowing and powerful Royal Seer has dispersed simian civilization and enslaved it.  In an act of sabotage, Gory and Cobo strike the Royal Seer on its home planet.  Unfortunately these two rebels are captured and sentenced to spend the rest of their lives in an inhospitable ice planet in another galaxy.  Now in a frozen wasteland, the ape duo must survive.  They will be hunted by monsters and must fight to survive and eat. 

When all looks lost...a stroke of luck.  Apparently the prison ship space-babe was on crash landed on this ice world.  Now Cobo and Gory team up with lone-survivor of the crash...space-babe.  Luckily for the apes...she is kinky and into...well...you know.  After some bondage and whipping, the now trio decide to attempt to repair the ship and make it back to the planet of the Royal Seer.  With revenge and deviance on their minds, Cobo, Gory, and space-babe embark on another space journey.  Uh oh...their peril has just begun as deep space can be an unforgiving realm.

Will our trio make it back to exact revenge on the Royal Seer?  Is the Royal Seer a thinly veiled metaphor for Joe Biden and his reign of terror?  Are relations between space-babes and other life forms a rip-off of plot lines from Max Gunssler novels? The Polonia Brothers have done it again...made a film that we actually want to watch.  For some scifi fun, but deeper than all the 'Star Wars' garbage, see "Revenge of the Empire of the Apes." 

Dam Sharks, What Jaws Should Have Been

I know.  Believe me I know.  You don't want to actually come out and say it...but like me, you have no desire to see that movie everyone is telling you, "YOU GOTTA SEE IT!!!"  Alas, "The Smell of Freedom" just does not appeal to you.  Human Trafficking is just not your thing.  I'm there, too. Just call those friends of yours 'QAnon mind numbed robots' (that is what the media calls them), and go watch a film you actually want to see.  Today we look at one filled with babes and hunks fighting an onslaught of CGI sharks.  Our film today is 2016's "Dam Sharks," directed by James and Jon Kondelik.

A mysterious dam is erected on a river.  A bikini babe is eaten in mid-air as she cliff dives, by a jumping bull shark.  It has begun.  See, the bull sharks have erected a dam made largely of human body parts to trap in their prey. After babe Fish & Wildlife officer Kate (Jessica Blackmore) sees her partner eaten by a bull shark while inspecting the dam, the carnage is upped several levels. Now she and a salty fishing guy named Carl (Robert Craighead) race to save all the tourists enjoying the river.  Uh oh...Tech CEO Tanner (James London) has brought a dozen or so of his employees into the wilderness for a team building exercise.  This exercise will culminate in a raft race.  Also along is his sultry secretary Jolene (Kabby Borders)...we like her a lot. 

More schmucks enjoying boating and fishing along the river are eaten...so sad.  Tanner does his best to team build...but it just isn't working. Two of his employees stand out. The babe Stella (Neka Zang) and John (Matt Mercer).  Stella excels at archery and yes this will play big in the last half hour of the film.  John is really smart.  The two will fall in love...so sweet.  Now Tanner brings his peeps onto the river and the sharks converge.  We really pull for Jolene...she has great...or, I should say, has a great big smile.  The sharks eat, jump high up into the air, and eat the beautiful and hunky.  Now Kate has a plan.  She and Carl figure the dam must be destroyed.  This won't be so easy...but both have seen the film "Jaws."

Is Jolene too beautiful to be eaten...by sharks?  Just what is Kate's plan and does it include explosive SCUBA tanks and a rifle?  Will Stella's archery skills play into Kate's plan?  Sure, let your friends go see the new human trafficking extravaganza.  You?  Feel free to show some spine for the first time in your life and tell them, "You guys go ahead!  I'm watching 'Dam Sharks'!"  

Snakehead Swamp, Toothy Fish Eat Bikini Babes

Remember the snakehead terror that almost destroyed the Washington, DC area?  No?  Too bad.  Funny, the media doesn't write about it at all.  Try remembering.  A U.S. media and congress, eager to blame China for everything, concoct a story of a fish smuggled from China, thrown into a Maryland swamp, and reproducing faster than the U.S. budget.  The entire ecosystem is endangered we're told.  As Florida efforts are stifled to protect pets and baby's in playpens from the onrush of Burmese pythons by the Federal Endangered Species Act, Maryland (where most of the U.S. Congress resides) is allowed to ignore this legislation.  Yep...Congress protects themselves and tells all others to eat cake.  The snakeheads swamp and lake homes were destroyed to get rid of these fish.  Today's film, 2014's "Snakehead Swamp," directed by Dan E. FountLeRoy, is a good reminder of this hidden period of American history.

A delivery truck crashes into a Louisiana bayou when the specimens, toothy snakeheads (fish that can walk on land), eat the crew.  Now all the specimens run into the swamp. The toothy monsters begin eating swamp folk immediately. Five teens, three bikini babes and two hunks, take a boat into the swamp for pre-marital sex and probably alcohol. Chris (Dave Davis) likes Ashley (Ayla Kell).  Ashley's cheating BF Ian (Ross Britz) is there making moves on bikini babe Sam (Melissa Cordero) and underage bombshell Kerri (Sloane Coe). Now they are attacked by the monster fish. Oh yes, William (Antonio Fargas), an old swamp man, knows the voodoo curse that haunts the swamp.

Oh!  Remember the sultry Terri Garber of "Dynasty" fame?  She is Park Ranger Carley in this...and Chris' mom.  Still a babe, Carley heads into the swamp to murder the fish that are trying to eat her son and the bikini babes.  The State Police and the U.S. Air Force send in troops to attack the creatures.  As usual, the U.S. Air Force is useless.  The monsters now move to land and go through weddings and lawn parties like crap through a goose.  Ashley gets sweet on Chris, Ian gets mad, and poor Kerrie...oh, so sad...you'll see.  Sam?  In these types of movies, there can only be one babe at the final credits, I'm afraid.  Now it is all out war between Ranger Carley, the teens, State and federal government, and poor William against these monstrosities.

Why oh why couldn't Kerri have survived, at least until she was of age?  Will two-timing Ian get what he deserves from these monsters?  If they survive, will Ranger Carley be prosecuted under the Federal Endangered Species Act, as she is not from a politically protected class of Americans?  This is the best film ever made about snakeheads.  As congress and the media blame China for the snakehead episode of American history, thankfully the Syfy Channel has made and given us great cinema in "Snakehead Swamp."

Demonicus, Gladiator Shreds Hunks and Babes

So sad.  So many babes and hunks cut into little pieces.  Thanks to our buddies at Full Moon Pictures, we have a tale of an evil gladiator set loose on amorous hikers in the wilderness. Sadly, the very sultry Candace Kroslak, in her first film, will get cut into little tiny pieces early on.  There will be a lot of hunks and babes, most not faring well, all seeking pre-marital sex in their tents or in the wilderness. As we all know, gladiators can be a bit prudish and our college kids in this film will find that out the hard way.  Today we look at 2001's "Demonicus," directed by Jay Woelfel.

A bunch of college babes and hunks hike up the Italian Alps.  They break off into couples and head to a campsite.  Uh oh, James (Gregory lee Kenyon) and his sultry GF Charlene (Val Perez) find a cave.  James goes in to investigate and finds the final resting place of Tyrannus the Gladiator.  After putting on the old boy's helmet, James is possessed.  He puts on the rest of the armor and marches out the tent and shreds the beautiful Charlene...so sad.  He'll march a little further and shred the sultry Teresa (Kroslak) and Frankie (Dominic Joseph) as they engage in pre-marital sex.  This will be a pattern as more hunks and babes will be chopped up as they do the dirty deed.

Instead of killing the sultry Maria (Jennifer Capo), James abducts her, mistakenly thinking she's a virgin. Gina (Vanesa Taylor), a nymphomaniac teacher into role plays, figures out what is going on.  She tries to figure out where the cave is.  Meanwhile, Dino (Brannon Guild), who was dumped by a babe before the trip, teams up with Joe (Kyle Tracy) to find Maria.  Maria was dragged out of the campsite as Joe was having pre-marital sex with her...happens.  Now James is trying to reanimate the mummified remains of Tyrannus.  To do this he needs to make a stew from body parts of the hunks and babes.  Maria?  Strung up and being saved for Tyrannus' affections for when he is reanimated.  

Okay, that's enough.  Bloody and containing a lot of cheese and beef, this is a good one.  Will Maria be able to keep her impurity a secret from Tyrannus?  Will Gina be able to figure out where the cave is?  Will the sultry Candace Kroslak be brought back to life? Alas, no one is too beautiful to be chopped into little pieces.  See "Demonicus," and enjoy the babes and hunks in much peril.  

Naked Souls, Gratuitous Naughtiness

Okay...one must look at today's film from the perspective of babe actress Elizabeth Low.  Ms. Low plays a model in this one...a model servicing Pamela Anderson.  Low's role is to get naked, lay down, and let Ms. Anderson mount her.  Anderson then pours cold white goop on Low's breasts and abdomen. Now it gets better...Anderson, using both hands, sensually smears the goop all over Low's breasts and abdomen.  In the film, Low does tell us, "...it feels sexy."  I bet.  Oh yes...we have a good one today, 1996's "Naked Souls," starring our "Baywatch" honey and directed by Lyndon Chubbuck.

Britt (Anderson) is an artist who does boob art.  Well, she makes busts of...busts. While not groping boobs of attractive young women she allows her BF Edward (Brian Krause) to grope her boobs during steamy pre-marital sex. Edward? Yep, a hunk and a wannabe mad-scientist. He plugs electrodes into brains of serial killer corpses and sucks out their memories. Now Edward has taken those memories and put them in his own brain...and he doesn't know how to get rid of them.  Now Edward has memories of stalking big-boobed naked babes and murdering them in states of undress.  Enter uber mad-scientist Everett (David Warner).  Everett is interested in Edward's experiments and makes him his sole heir.  Everitt is in a dying body...se what's coming?

Britt gropes more boobs and has more pre-marital sex with Edward, so her own boobs can be groped. This is very fine cinema. Okay, Everett pulls a switcheroo...he puts himself into Edwards young body and Edward gets the dying old body. Now Everett can grope boobs. Uh oh...the surprise is on Everett.  His brain has kept the serial killer memories.  Now Everett is plagued by images of murdering big breasted naked babes. All is not well...Edward is now dying and needs Britt's help in pulling another switcheroo. At stake is the privilege of groping and playing with a "Baywatch" actress' boobs. Edward's plan is a shaky one especially since Everett has abducted the reluctant Britt.  Time is short as the heart in the old body is about to give out.

Should Britt ditch both these guys and look for David Hasselhoff? Why hasn't Elizabeth Low written a book or had a movie funded about her experiences on the set of this film?  Is there a market for bust busts? Okay, dumb question.  Straight to video 1990s joy! For some prurient thrills see this film.  Oh, if you are wondering if this is something you would enjoy...read the first paragraph again. See "Naked Souls" and then take a long shower.  

Insectula! Monster Mosquito Eats Babes

Lovers of Troma, Something Weird Video, 1950s B movie scifi, and Bert I. Gordon are gonna love this one. A big monster, with a probing tentacle, invades and rips apart bikini clad or scantily clad babes.  What a plot line.  Cate Blanchett films would be a lot better if they had this plot line!  Mad scientists with German accents!  Gory f/x!  Babe scientists in short skirts and high heels running for their lives!  Tentacles shoved up...well...never mind that now.  Today we look at 2015's "Insectula!" directed by Michael Peterson.  This one also features one of this blogs favorite actresses, Sarah French in a kinky pillow fight.

An asteroid from a monster planet crashes into a lake.  This unleashes a monster mosquito which tentacles bikini babe Hanna (Hanna Hudson).  This saddens her fiancé, Agent Del Delbiando (Pasquale Pilla). Now he swears revenge on the monster. The mosquito monster continues its carnage as the remains of Hanna are analyzed by EPA scientists Dr. Kempler (Harrison Matthews) and Brittany Sax (Arielle Cezanne). She's clad in a tight miniskirt and high heels. Del joins this duo.  Uh oh...Kempler is revealed to be a mad scientist with a lab at his home (Norman Bates' house...you'll see).  In the lab he is creating a tentacled monster.  Brittany gets suspicious of Kempler and will put herself in danger by doing her own investigation.  This investigation will see her stripped to her undies and bound...yes!!!

Del, grieving, watches his next GF (Yasmin Moon) eaten by the thing. To drown out his sorrows he hires two prostitutes, Sarah (French) and Jessica (Antonia Kurtz). A kinky pillow fight ensues but when Del gets too weird, the gals depart.  Sarah and Jessica traipse away in their short skirts and high heels.  What happens next will be shocking and send you into therapy for years.  Now Kempler has an idea. He wants to serve the monster mosquito and give his "creation" to it...and presumably rule the world.  We do suspect Dr. Kempler is an agent of the World Economic Forum.  Babes will be cut in half, shredded, and...well, you'll see.  The sultry Brittany will be imperiled, stripped, tied up and...well, you'll see.  Now nukes have been authorized to fight the monster.

Will the brave Brittany Sax be soiled by either the big mosquito or the tentacled creation of Dr. Kempler?  Will the military drop a nuke on the thing?  What did happen to Sarah and Jessica that is too gross to put in this review?  See "Insectula!"  B movie fans will love it and recognize a few dozen instances of homages to some of our favorite films.  Plus, Sarah French is in it!