Demented, Lingerie Babe has a Meat Cleaver

A cacophony of gang rape and lingerie is one way to describe this exploitation/slasher flick.  Perhaps we may say it is a mesh of "I Spit On Your Grave" and "A Touch of Class."  This is a brutal rape/revenge flick written by the star of "The Incredible Melting Man," Alex Rebar.  Perhaps many will find this film in bad taste, as if that awful Clint Eastwood film, "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" is not in horrible taste.  No apologies here, so if you're offended, go watch a Cate Blancett bore-a-thon.  Today we look at 1980's "Demented," directed by Arthur Jeffreys.

Alas, Linda (Sallee Young), suffers a brutal fate.  The classy babe in an equestrian get-up is gratuitously gang raped by four thugs.  Her attackers will go to prison and Linda will head to a mental institution.  Almost recovered...okay, 'almost' may be an exaggeration...Linda is sent home.  Her doctor husband Matt (Harry Reems) has provided nicely for her.  Uh oh...Matt is a dirty two-timer and has a steamy affair with the skank Carol (Kathryn Clayton).  Carol has a great assortment of lingerie and some dirty moves.  Now Linda experiences flashback hallucinations from her rape and is not doing well.  Even worse, some neighborhood hoodlums sneak into her home one night when she is alone and almost send her off the edge.  As Matt spends many of his nights having extra-marital sex with Carol, the lingerie clad Linda stays home alone in much fear.

Uh oh again...those hoodlums come back and they are back for rape.  The hoodlums get more than they bargained for when Linda does indeed snap.  Now, clad in some very naughty undergarments, Linda is no longer afraid.  She strikes back, all nymphomaniac and psycho.  She has a meat cleaver ready and other assorted deadly weapons.  Killing her new set of rapists is too easy.  Linda has other endeavors in mind including castration and...well...you'll see, and it will be ghoulish.  Exploding with pheromones, the victim turned torturer/killer has no sense of mercy.

Does the new Linda have something in mind for Matt and Carol after she finishes with her new set of rapists?  After their tirade when they saw "I Spit On Your Grave," did Siskel and Ebert have a cow after seeing this film?  Is this film a good example of the misogynistic mindset of Big Hollywood?  I know we're not supposed to say we enjoyed this film, especially in our woke society, but...tough!  For an enjoyable rape/revenge flick, see "Demented."         

4D Man, Miss America vs. a Mad Scientist

Miss America 1955!  Yep...Lee Meriwether!  Before the Miss America contest turned into an absolute joke which TV audiences did their best to avoid, the title of Miss America meant something great.  The title-holder was beautiful, talented, and someone we wanted to see.  Today the pageant has turned into a woke exercise in social justice with men and women competing and representing nauseating social causes we don't want to hear about.  The contestants, if women, are surgically altered and plastic.  Ms. Meriwether went on to be a successful TV actress and landed a couple of alluring roles on TV's "Batman," and other shows.  In 1959, she did "4D Man," directed by Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr.

Dr. Tony Nelson (James Congdon) is a handsome young mad scientist perfecting a process that allows atoms to rearrange so an object can pass through another solid object.  His brother, Dr. Scott Nelson (Robert Lansing) is creating Cargonite, an element that cannot be penetrated.  Tony's lab blows up and he needs a job.  Scott hires him.  Uh oh...Scott's beautiful assistant is Linda (Meriwether) and Scott intends to marry her.  When Linda sees Tony, she realizes she does not love Scott and is head over heels for Tony.  Yep, storm coming.  Scott does invent Cargonite and Tony succeeds in creating a machine that allows one object to pass through others...even Cargonite...advantage Tony.

Losing Miss America to his brother, Scott kind of goes mad.  Through a weird series of events, he is infused with the atomic principle his brother created.  Now Scott can pass through walls, bank vaults, jewelry store windows, and Linda's bedroom door.  Uh oh again...when he does this he ages greatly.  To stop the aging process, Scott hugs someone thereby sucking out their lifeforces making him young again and his victim...old and dead.  Now he wants Linda back.  Tony loves Linda and wants to protect her.  Scott will embark on a homicidal rampage collecting lifeforces on his way to claiming Miss America away from his brother.  

Will Miss America be able to select the mad scientist she wants, or will the 4D Scott make the decision for her?  Just what will 4D Scott do when he passes through Linda's bedroom door in the middle of the night?  Do we even know the names of any of the Miss Americas over the past 25 years, or so?  See 4D man and see Lee Meriwether give a great 'damsel-in-much-distress' performance.

Evilution, Army Experiment Goes Wrong

Yep...this plot line is becoming more and more believable every day.  The U.S. Army sets up a secret bio-hazard lab in Iraq to make chemical weapons.  It also makes a serum that causes soldiers to turn into monster killing machines.  Too bad we did not fight the Taliban with these weapons.  Okay, throw in one sultry babe, or two, and bring the new serum to our shores and watch the wonderful results.  Special mention to sultry actress Katie Cazorla for one of the most gratuitous 'attacked-by-zombies' scenes ever put on the silver screen.  Today we look at 2008's "Evilution," directed by Chris Conlee.

In the aforementioned lab, the experiment gets out of control.  Every U.S. servicemember and scientist is overcome by former soldiers, now zombies.  The only survivor is Captain Darren Hall (Eric Peter Kaiser).  He escapes with a vial or two of the stuff and comes back to the U.S.  Now he moves into a rundown tenement building with a weird super.  Yep, Darren sets up a lab in his basement apartment and continues his experiments.  He meets the sultry Maddie (Sandra Eloani).  What a babe!  She does everything she can to have pre-marital sex with him.  She'll succeed.  Darren might be a mad scientist but no one is insane enough to deny Maddie, you'll see.  During this pre-marital sex, hoodlums rummage through his laboratory and now the vials are mixed with crack or heroin and the zombie outbreak begins.

Soon, Darren is doing damage control.  The outbreak, inside the tenement is moving too fast.  Sadly, a soon to be nude Nikki (Cazorla) is attacked...so sad.  Uh oh...Maddie is mad at Darren for his "Wham bam thank you ma'am!" attitude.  Now Gabriel (Tim Colceri), an assassin for the U.S. Army arrives to murder Darren and recover the vials.  He's too late and joins in the war against the undead inside the building.  Maddie continues to look steaming hot and provides quite the contrast against the backdrop of the undead drooling black snot.  Now Darren seeks to save the woman he had pre-marital sex with, kill the undead, continue his experiments, and escape the building.  Fat chance!

What are the chances of the sultry Maddie staying sultry until the end credits?  Does anyone believe the U.S. military and our Department of Defense are not undertaking these experiments?  Is our expulsion from Afghanistan and soon to be Central Europe related to these experiments?  This is a fun and grim one.  The cheese factor is intense and the film is more prescient than our government will admit.  For a neat zombie film, see "Evilution."

Diggers, Russia's C.H.U.D. Problem

As Russia is poised to take over all of Europe it behooves us to learn more about Russian horror.  The more we know about it, the more we can relate to them.  Cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers aren't just a problem for American inner cities...nope...Moscow has 'em as well.  See!  We can empathize and relate to our Eurasian brethren unless you live in Kiev... then you may want to run.  Today we look at 2016's "Diggers" (aka "Diggery"), directed by Tikhon Kornev.  By the way, if you saw "Trackman," consider this the long awaited sequel."

You gotta love her.  Dina (Mariya Shekaturiva).  She is attending a cosplay convention in Moscow and is adorned in her favorite manga character's garb...she even has a kind of fake sword.  She'll take the subway home...or try to.  She catches the last car...which whizzes past her stop.  Uh oh...something is shredding all the passengers in the car in front of hers and the subway heads all the way to the abandoned end of the line.  Now her, and some weirdos are trapped there.  She is there with some Chinese guy (Din Fan) who has a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, and many more.  Also joining her in the abandoned tunnels are a digger, Egor (Andrey Levin) who was hired by Artem (Roman Evdokimov) and his lover Dasha (Anna Vasileva) to find her and their friends.  They found them...and now they are trapped.

Trapped?  By what?  Cannibalistic monsters!  That's what.  Now it gets really crowded...a TV reality show crew stumbles in.  Don't get too attached to them.  The killings start here.  In an instant the crew is shredded and beheaded by this thing that looks like the thing from "Syngenor."  It goes through Russian hunks and babes like crap through a goose...The Ukraine needs to find some of these.  The kids are on the run and find lairs and mutants in jars.  They are being hunted and shredded one by one.  This will get pretty grim and many of the killings will be quite heartbreaking.  Oh!  Dina, our manga cosplay gal?  Ha!  You'll see. 

Will anyone survive the cannibalistic monsters in this film?  Will there be any relationship drama at play in the shadow of mutant cannibals?  Ah, yep!  Where did these monsters come from and can The Ukraine import them to the front lines instead of complicated and defective U.S. HIMARS systems?  This is a good one especially if you like your horror horrific.  For a reason not to take public transportation, see "Diggers."   

Shark Huntress, Plastic Men and Their Mushrooms

Okay...so this film receives a cumulative rating average of 1.6/10 rating.  The quiche eaters who do reviews for IMDb have struck again.  Ratings be damned, I set out to watch 2021's "Shark Huntress," directed by John Riggins (not the football player).  I admit, my disappointment was immediate.  I saw the title and I was expecting a bikini clad Tanya Roberts or Laurene Landon clutching a spear gun.  Well, there is a spear gun in this film...a very underused spear gun I might add.

As the film opens, Amanda (Olga Andrievskaya) wanders into the surf and is immediately chewed up by a great white.  We're glad...she had a face that we just didn't like.  Her daughter, Sheila (Katrina Grey) is called to this island and will eventually identify her mom's corpse.  By the way, the coroner gives the mom a private room at the morgue...really.  We meet Sheila and instantly want her to die horribly...just something about her.  She hooks up with her mom's team...a band of eco-warriors fighting plastic.  Guru (John Flano), a bearded wonder, who we desire to die horribly, picks her up at the airport and brings her to a commune type hotel room where they will all sleep on the bed together.  We'll also meet Pam (Eve Cerda), her old boyfriend Dean (Dean Alexandrou), and Luca (Russell Geoffrey Banks).  Yep, we will all desire their bloody demise soon after they utter their first lines.

The shark eats a sultry kayak lady.  The team talks about plastic and littering.  Guru just won't shut up and now we're praying for Putin to send his army in and annihilate them.  Sheila buys a spear gun...be nice if she would use it.  Sheila and Dean will take SCUBA lessons...they'll learn to breathe underwater...be nice if they actually went SCUBA diving.  The shark will eat more people...oh well.  Oh yes...poison mushrooms are found.  You'd think they would be looking for the shark that ate Sheila's mom.  Sheila swears she will find the shark and kill it...but first, they need to clean the plastic bottles off the beaches.  The shark waits for Sheila and her team just three feet off shore.  Sheila caresses her spear gun and yells at people.

I know...but hey...I liked this movie.  Will Sheila ever begin her search for the shark that ate her mother?  Will plastic straws thrown in the water kill the shark for her?  Will a Jason like psycho killer wander into the plot and chop Guru and friends into tiny bits and use them for chum?  Still a better film than "Jupiter Ascending,"  "Shark Huntress" may be the impetus for resurrecting MST3K.   

Petrified, Mummy vs. Nymphomaniacs

Is there a better setting for a horror film than a clinic for nymphomaniac babes?  No!!!  What a line delivered by the babe nympho Marta (Kathryn Adams), "I've been muff diving on an old hag."  Yep, only babe nymphos in this clinic...so the steamy sex is between babes, for the most part.  Throw in a slimy mummy, federal agents, a quest for eternal youth, and a lot of lipstick lesbianism.  Thanks to Charles Band and Full Moon Entertainment, we will look at 2006's "Petrified."

There is a lot here. An undercover operation goes bad.  Federal agent Buzz (Roark Critchlow) does get away with a severed mummy hand as the bad guys shoot at him.  The two bad guys are then petrified by a mummy that is re-animated when human blood drips on it .  Buzz, thinking the bad guys are pursuing him,  ducks into the first unlocked door he comes to, a clinic for nymphomaniac babes run by mad scientist Dr. Von Gelder (Ozman Sirgood).  The mummy follows, wanting its hand back.  Two sultry nymphos wander out of the clinic and begin steamy sex...so sad, the mummy interrupts and petrifies them.  Now Buzz is inside, not knowing about the mummy yet.  He'll meet Helen (Jessica Lancaster) who is there trying to spring her nympho sister Suzy (Kimberly Dawn Guerrero).  She believes the mad scientist is experimenting on the babes.

The mummy enters and finds Cory (Dana Lastrilla) and Marta (Adams) rolling around in bed.  He'll chase them and now every nympho in the place is in danger.  Enter Von Gelder.  He believes pheromones and chemicals in nymphomaniacs are the key to eternal life.  In fact, the sultry Asian nympho turns out to be 61 years old, to Marta's disgust.  Now Suzy and Helen glob onto Buzz as the mummy and its now re-animated hand are on the prowl.  Sultry nymphos in the throes of sexual satisfaction will die horribly but the mummy's hand...or eyes, you'll see.  Helen gets sweet on Buzz and Suzy looks to screw anyone moving.  

Will the mummy end up doing anything to any of the nymphomaniacs other than petrifying them with his eyes?  After her muff-diving of the 61 year old Asian babe (who looks 25). will Marta gargle with Listerine?  Will non-nymphomaniac Helen turn into a nympho in order to land Buzz?  This is a prurient one in which so many sultry damsels will be in so much danger.  For a fun romp into nymphomania and archaeology, see "Petrified."

Atomic Shark, Toothy Nukes

In what may be the best film of 2016, and certainly a film containing the best catfight of 2016, we celebrate summer with a look at "Atomic Shark" (aka "Saltwater"-Lame), directed by A.B. Stone.  When bikini clad lifeguard Gina (Rachele Brooke) and TV reporterette Felice (Mariah Bonner) fight to the death...well, its just such a beautiful thing.  Be warned, how the catfight ends may be the most shocking scene in film history!  Beautiful lifeguards in tight red swimsuits, sultry TV reporterettes dying horribly, and hunk lifeguards are enough for us...but throw in a glowing shark and we have Nirvana. 

Rottger (Jeff Fahey) is driving a boat when his babe water-skier (Jaime Wallace) is eaten by a glowing and radioactive shark.  No one believes Rottger even when government men in containment suits show up at the beach.  Enter the sultry bikini clad lifeguard, Gina...she knows something is not right.  Burned fishes keep washing up on shore.  Enter a TV show crew, Felice and Troy (Isaiah LaBorde) who also suspect a government coverup.  Oh yes, Kaplin (Bobby Campo) is an injured lifeguard who tries to uncover the mystery with his drone.  The shark is a byproduct of a nuclear submarine that sank offshore in the 80s and now glows and spreads radioactive waste everywhere it goes.

Enter Kylie (Jessica Kemejuk), who looks great in her tight lifeguard swimsuit.  Her scenes are gratuitous and seductive.  Enough said about her.  Now Gina and Kaplin team up with a pervert, Fletcher (David Faustino), who uses his drone to capture booty shots of bikini clad beach babes.  After a parasailing scene you will not believe when so many sultry bikini babes die horribly, the government can no longer call the carnage at the beach "boating accidents."  Gina, and her abs, and great lifeguard bikini, gets aggressive and calls Rottger to help...he agrees only after some past drama is revealed.  Now Gina's plan is to kill the shark as Troy and Felice come along to try to top four million views on their YouTube channel.  The plan?  It's a bad one with hardly a chance of survival...still, a catfight will ensue and some great cheese will grace this film's conclusion.

Will bikini clad Gina get into a catfight with tight red swimsuit clad Kylie?  Will Felice and Troy get their four million views?  Is the atomic shark a thinly veiled metaphor of our country's careless nuclear experiments in the Bikini atoll.  Wait!  Did someone say bikini?  Think glowing great white sharks and alluring bikinis and watch "Atomic Shark."