Cold Heaven, This Was No Boating Accident!

Okay, so it was...but that's not important. There is a classic scene when Monsignor Cassidy (Richard Bradford), irrelevant to the plot, listens to Marie (Theresa Russell) tell him about what is going on. This is an important scene, 'cause we have no clue what's going on. The Monsignor has a look on his face as if he's thinking the Vatican doesn't pay him enough to listen to whack-ball dames like Marie. Mercifully, the Monsignor gets rid of Marie and presumably takes a drink. Today we have a mesh of "Night of the Living Dead," "The Nun's Story," and an MST3K offering...1991's "Cold Heaven," directed by the very out there Nicolas Roeg.  

A boating accident kills Alex (Mark Harmon) in the opening scene. When you're second in the credits, this either means the entire film will be flashbacks...or something supernatural will occur. Alex' wife Marie was just about to tell him she is leaving him for his best friend Daniel (James Russo). In fact, Daniel just told his wife Anna (Julie Carmen) that he was leaving her for Marie. Now Marie does not have to tell Alex the bad news. Uh oh...the hospital in Mexico loses Alex' body...or did it just get up and walk away? Marie flies back to the States and desperately wants to see Daniel.  She goes to meet him at a hotel in Carmel and finds...Alex!  Yep, he looks pale and dead...but he's alive. Oh, Marie is attacked by butterflies and is convinced the Virgin Mary is haunting her. I guess the Monsignor dodged a big one when he ushered Marie out of his office.

Oh, Sister Martha (Talia Shire) is spooked because she dreamed of Marie coming and restoring the sanctuary. Now Father Niles (Will Patton) gets involved and he brings up demonic possession.  Marie is convinced her dead, or dead-ish husband is demonically possessed. Alex gets deader and then recovers, and then gets dead-ish again. Sister Martha? Please, don't ask me to remember her character...this was very difficult watching Talia Shire. Her portrayal of Sister Martha makes her performance in "Prophecy" look like an Oscar caliber effort. Where is this all going? Miracles, Rosary Beads, the Virgin Mary, fighter jets, and a big green cross will all factor in a tour-de-force ending.

Oh! Vows of Celibacy.  We should talk about this since we have a movie about the Catholic Church. After watching Marie's love scene with Daniel...it is so shocking, that even the more amorous of us all will seek to take vows of celibacy just to preclude the kind of carnality that Theresa Russell and James Russo just acted out for us. You may not believe it, but my above description of the film is accurate and flattering.  See "Cold Heaven" and treat it as a MST3K offering.