Saturday, November 5, 2016

Arachnicide, Giant Spiders vs. Italy

As both Russia and the U.S. send troops to Syria (the world never smartens up), a more deadly conflict awaits.  In 2014's "Arachnicide," Italy invades Albania. Part Syfy original rip-off, and part Italian horror film, this film, directed by Paolo Bertola, merges the two to make a gooey big monster film.  Bad dubbing, that weird horror music, and giant spiders deliver in this very cheesy film.  "Arachnicide" would more appropriately be called "Italian Commandos turn Mutant Arachnids into Green Ooze," or "Giant Spiders Chow Down on the Italian Military."  I guess those two titles are a bit contrived, but they do sum up this entire film.
An elite Italian military drug interdiction squad is destroying European drug crops.  Evil drug lords have moved their crops underground and have genetically altered the cocoa plant so that it grows faster and bigger.  Yep, you see what's coming.  Our commandos then parachute into Albania to take out one of these underground facilities.  Lt. Kolman (Gabriel Cash) leads our heroes.  Our unit is forced to take a scientist with them to collect the formula for increased growth used by the drug lords. You guessed it again, the scientist is an Italian babe, Dr. Saarti (Crisula Stafida).  You are on a roll, right again, Saarti and Kolman used to have lots of pre-marital sex together and now hate each other.
 Uh oh.  The drug cartels are smart. It's a trap!  No crops here.  Our bad guys used the new formula on spiders, and thousands of giant angry arachnids are waiting for an Italian meal. Now this film turns into a gratuitous machine-gun-mowing-down-spider gore-fest.  Our giant killers explode into green slime.  Unfortunately, the eight legged fiends still have an advantage.  Our commandos run out of ammunition, and the spiders reproduce at the speed of light.  Chomp Chomp. More importantly, Kolman realizes that he still has warm and fuzzy feelings for Dr. Saarti (...okay, this isn't more important, but fortunately, it isn't a big part of this film).
Will any of our commandos prevail against this abomination of nature?  Is this film a thinly veiled message for Italy to stay out of the political affairs of Albania?  Will the sultry Dr. Saarti and square-jawed Lt. Kolman have more pre-marital sex?  Most will despise this film, but fans of this blog will admire it's energy and directness.  A monster film with lots of machine-guns and arachnid beasts, never a bad combination.


  1. Indeed, it sounds like my kind of combo. Thoroughly enjoyed Big Ass Spider and this one has now got me ensnared in its web thanks to you my friend.

  2. "Is this film a thinly veiled message for Italy to stay out of the political affairs of Albania?"

    HAHAHAHA!! Lines like this are why you're one of my fave reviewers mate =))

    And what Crimson Quill said. Big Ass Spider was a blast. Just looked up trailer for this one and it's now on watch list. Thanks yet again :)