Black Scorpion, Dominatrix Superheroine

When "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" (G.L.O.W.) ended its run, late night UHF had a void to fill on Saturday nights. Enter a Roger Corman creation, "Black Scorpion." After all, what better subject matter to replace lingerie clad beauties cat-fighting in a ring than a superheroine clad in hooker-boots, a leather leotard (covering very little of the posterior), a mask, a whip, and fishnet stockings? The TV show, catering to GLOW fans also had two straight to VHS movies. Today we look at one of those films, 1995's "Black Scorpion."

Darcy (Joan Severance) is an undercover vice cop clad in a black leather dominatrix outfit. Her partner Russo (Bruce Abbott) always has her...er...back. Her sting goes awry and she is suspended. That night she joins her dad (a disgraced ex-cop) for a drink when the district attorney walks in and murders her dad for no apparent reason. Now, really depressed, Darcy decides to become a superhero. Out of her dominatrix outfit, she crafts her Black Scorpion (the one mentioned above) costume and sets out to dispatch criminals. With whip and boots in action, she takes down pimps, muggers, and other miscreants.

The cops are eager to catch this sultry vigilante and after two female wrestlers beat the snot out of our heroine, Russo jumps her on a rooftop. Darcy/Black Scorpion has always wanted pre-marital sex with Russo and gives him a very sensuous kiss before escaping. Not knowing Darcy is Black Scorpion, Russo takes her on a date. Darcy tries to seduce Russo, but Russo confesses he can't get Black Scorpion out of his mind. Darcy also stumbles on a monster billionaire who is getting ready to poison Los Angeles. Now Darcy needs to find a way to get Russo to forget about Black Scorpion so she can have pre-marital sex with him. Also, Darcy must have a rematch with the women wrestlers who destroyed her earlier in order to get at the fiend who will poison the city.

Black Scorpion is quite seductive and her pre-marital sex scene with Russo is quite steamy. Will Black Scorpion win her rematch with the two femme wrestlers? Will Russo choose Darcy or Black Scorpion as a sex partner?  What connection does the fiend who wishes to poison Los Angeles have with Darcy's past? Is the lack of black leather dominatrix outfits in today's superhero films the reason that they are so dull?  "Black Scorpion" is a lot of fun and the costumed beauty is on the screen a lot. For some frivolous UHF style sexploitation, take a peek at "Black Scorpion." 

The Great American Snuff Film, Don't Watch

Again we take a peek at a film with no redeeming qualities. At least, that is what most people will say. It would be so easy to pan this film and express disgust that it was even made. I guess we have done that with "Jupiter Ascending" and "Solaris," but this one is different. Even if you like this film, you won't be able to admit it. Gritty, dark, no humor, ominous, gratuitous, and sadistic...where do you go from there? Yep...YouTube! Today we look at 2004's "The Great American Snuff Film."

William Grone (Mike Marsh) is a serial killer. Don't worry, you'll be let in on his backstory. His buddy Roy (Ryan Hutman) is another homicidal lunatic who lives and works at a spacious junkyard in the Arizona desert. The two maniacs are into the most extreme porn they can find and decide to make a snuff film. Enter Patti (Melinda Lorenz) and Sarah (Holi Tavernier). While camping in the desert, Roy and William invade their party, execute their boyfriend and abduct the two beauties. With a Super 8 camera handy the men torture, sexually assault, and humiliate the women.

Both women will spend most of their on camera time bound with duct tape. The two misogynists inflict constant mental and physical torture on their prey. Sarah and Patti are smart and are always conspiring of ways to escape. William and Roy are evil, and unfortunately for the ladies, the lunatics are always a step or two ahead of them. William narrates the story and everything we see is from his point of view. If you haven't figured it out yet, this film will end with lots of carnage.

Do Sarah and Patti have any prayer of escape? Does what Roy and William do to these women actually happen in the real world? Just how depraved and low can a film be? Okay...I'm done criticizing. Someone has to say it. This is a fine film and the misogyny portrayed may be real, and at very least a good metaphor for the plight of women in the film industry. Difficult to watch and heartbreaking, "The Great American Snuff Film" (directed by Sean Tretta) is strictly for very hardcore horror fans.

Insane, Psycho from Sweden

A rundown hotel that hasn't seen a guest since the highway was moved. The owner, a weird guy with mother issues. A beautiful female guest with secrets. No, not the classic Alfred Hitchcock film, but 2010's "Insane." Filmed in Sweden and starring Swedish actors and actresses, this work gives us a glimpse as to what Swedes think of us Americans, as the film is set in the U.S. From this film it appears that Swedes believe Americans are violent psychos. To be fair, in a country of 300 million citizens, at least 50 million of us are fairly sane.

The Swedish Norman Bates

As our story begins, a beautiful Swede (Sanna Messo), playing a beautiful American, is the only guest at the creepy Bridgeburn Hotel. Over the next four minutes, she will be stalked by a gas-mask clad killer and her death will be quite memorable. Jenny (Alida Morberg) checks in next. This nubile babe will befriend the polished but creepy hotel owner, David (Lars Bethke). The two will flirt and even dine together. So sad, the nubile Swede...I mean American babe will suffer a similar fate as the aforementioned bather. We suspect David, though there is doubt that he is in fact the killer.

The unfortunate bather

Again, a beautiful Swede...I mean American babe, Sarah (Johanna Leamo) checks in as the hotel's sole guest. She has a mission. You see, Jenny was Sarah's sister, and Sarah is looking for her. As Sarah gets to know the creepy David, and explores the hotel, her findings will be horrific. When Sarah calls in her boyfriend John (David Lenneman) to help, David is offended. John and Sarah will take a break from looking for Jenny in order to have pre-marital sex. This ticks off David, probably because of his mommy issues (...which you will learn of through flashbacks). The killings continue and some of them are quite gory. In fact all of the kills are very well shot and bloody. Now Sarah and John are pursued by the gas-mask guy. Uh oh...some surprises await Sarah from very unexpected sources.

Is that David?

What will become of Sarah and John? Is David the killer, could he be the gas-mask guy? What secrets does this hotel hold that may explain all the dead babes? Did Swedes set this tale in the United States to take focus off their overburdened social welfare system? Yeah, like that makes sense. For a sometimes quirky, very gory, and sometimes awkward slasher film, enjoy Sweden's "Insane."

Bluebeard, The Best Colonoscopy Movie Ever

If you are over 50...get a colonoscopy. Yep, this is an effective procedure to minimize the risks of obtaining colon cancer. This procedure is painless and usually paid in full by most major insurance providers. Whether you are male or female, white collar or blue collar, Republican or Democrat, cannibal or serial killer, getting a colonoscopy might save your life. Hence today's feature, from South Korea...2017's "Bluebeard."

Dr. Byun and his nurse Mi-yeon

Dr. Byun (Jin-woong Jo) performs colonoscopies at a country clinic. He has a sultry nurse, Mi-yeon (Chung-ah Lee) and she is pretty hot for him. He's a dork and has no clue. The patients, under anesthesia, sometimes utter very private words. Dr. Byun is used to this, but when an old butcher, who is also his landlord, is under, the guy starts describing how to cut up a human body and mar it so the cops can never identify it. He also describes where to stash the body parts. A week or two later, Dr. Byun hears newscasts that explain the cops have found body parts and a headless torso in a place described by the butcher. Now Dr. Byun turns amateur detective, but not a very good one.

Dr. Byun tussles with the butcher

The butcher and his family are onto him and Dr. Byun is scared. The butcher and his son both have ex-wives who have gone missing. Uh oh, Soo jung (Yoon Se-Ah), the beautiful ex-wife of Dr. Byun, goes missing shortly after she visits the dorky doctor's apartment.  As the film progresses, the missing women all seem to be women in Dr. Byun's life, including his sultry nurse.  Twists abound, and we begin to entertain the theory that maybe the butcher family is innocent and Dr. Byun may be the serial killer.

Will Mi-yeon survive or be dissected?

Decapitated heads, headless torsos, and human innards will all be thrown at you. This mystery/horror tale gets more complicated as each chick goes missing. Are the butchers the killers, or is it Dr. Byun? What of the sultry nurse, Mi-yeon...is she dead, or is there something more to her character? As the cops close in, will they take the butchers or Dr. Byun (...or a third option) away in handcuffs? Directed by Soo-youn Lee, "Bluebeard" is the best colonoscopy film of 2017. Enjoy, and go get a colonoscopy, it could save your life.

Robot Holocaust, Hunks and Babes in the Apocalyptic Wasteland

Ah the apocalyptic wastelands portrayed by 1980s cinema. True, radiation scarred mutants and toothy worm creatures abound, but so do scantily clad hunks and vixens. The hysteria of the anti-nuclear groups preaching that President Reagan would destroy the world with nukes inspired some nifty films. The nuclear holocaust didn't occur, and those groups went away as donations dried up, but those aforementioned films are still with us. Alas, we look at 1986's "Robot Holocaust."

Society is gone, ruined by the robot rebellion of 2033. The fiends released radiation that polluted the atmosphere killing all humans. The robots kept some alive as they needed slaves to supply the power station. Kept alive by bursts of air, supplied by the power station, some mutant humans were born, able to breathe in even the most poisoned atmosphere. Hence Neo (Norris Culf), who comes to town seeking to overthrow the Dark One. The Dark One? The evil force that rules the power station and robots. He meets Deeja (Nadine Hart), a rebel who, with her dad, has developed a device which will enable all to breathe.

As Neo and the very sultry Deeja head to the power station, they must navigate through a dangerous wasteland. First they will meet a tribe of psycho babes. Here they will enlist the voluptuous and scantily clad Nyla (Jennifer Delora). Now our small band of rebels heads to the power station. Onto their every move, The Dark One's femme fatale Valaria (Angelika Jager) intends to ambush them. Valaria enjoys satisfying herself in the Dark One's pleasure machine and looks really good in her sleek, black outfits. Battling mutant and hungry worms and other assorted creatures (including a yucky spider-thing), our rebels reach the gate of the power station where Valaria and the Dark One have some bloody surprises waiting.

Will Valaria have a cat-fight with the shapely Deeja? Does hunk Neo have what it takes to overthrow the Dark One, or is he all brawn and no brains?  How do Valeria, Deeja, and Nyla exist in an apocalyptic wasteland with perfectly applied make-up and frizzy 'Charley's Angels" type hair-dos? The B movie acting is classic and a lot of mutant creatures keep "Robot Holocaust" entertaining. Directed by Tim Kincaid, this film has the feel of Italian exploitation, even though it was made in New York City.

Pig Hunt, Oink Oink...Chomp Chomp

When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty...but the pig likes it. Thus is the sad plight of a bunch of wild boar hunters in today's film, 2008's "Pig Hunt." Actually, these hunters won't just get dirty. They'll also be gutted, decapitated, hunted, and eaten. The antagonist? A 3200 pound boar called "The Ripper." This very ominous and dark film probably has a lot of messages about the futility of war and man's inhumanity to man, but we'll appropriately ignore them.

Feuding hunters

As the film begins a hunter is gutted and eaten by a 3200 pound boar. Next two beautiful, semi-nude hippie babes have their horse eaten by the same boar. Related events? Oh yes. John (Travis Aaron Wade), an anti-war sort is going boar hunting with his very pro-war pals. John's girlfriend, Brooks (Tina Huang) will tag along to the dismay of John's pals. In John's defense, she is really pretty, looks great in intimate undergarments and has a sensual bias for pre-marital sex. This hunting party has competition. A weird hippie commune featuring a machete wielding priest-guy and nude babes looms in the woods. Also, a psycho redneck family with a hatred for John also hunts pigs.

Nubile hippie babes caress a hunter

Early in the hunt it is apparent that man appears to be man's worst enemy. Then the boar strikes. It is big and has a family. Meanwhile, Brooks gives us some nice underwear and babe holding rifle shots. Uh oh, because of some bloody events, the rednecks begin hunting John's group. Double uh oh, the weird commune, featuring lots of naked babes who bathe each other a lot may have a weird connection to the tusked monster. As hunters are gutted, eaten, and shot, John and Brooks will come face to face with, not only the boar, but the evil that feeds its wrath.

Brooks comes face-to-face with monster

Will the sultry Brooks come face to face with the monster? Will John's anti-war views give way to violence now that he is at war with rednecks, a hippie commune, and a 3200 pound boar? Does Brooks have a useful talent for the occasion, other than looking really good in intimate undies and a proclivity toward pre-marital sex? Directed by James Isaac, "Pig Hunt" is an ominous and very gory man versus nature film. Ignore the messages and enjoy the monster, gore, and eye-candy this film provides.

Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Vampire Wimp

Bela Lugosi versus Boris Karloff? Not quite. In fact, our Count Dracula today looks more like Arnold Horseshack from "Welcome Back Kotter." How about the Frankenstein monster? He looks like Hal Holbrook sucking a lemon. Don't fret, we have a good one today, 1971's "Dracula vs. Frankenstein." This Al Adamson classic has a couple things going for it. First, whenever the plot begins to drag, a decapitation jumps at you out of nowhere. Second, the very buxom, nubile, and trashy damsel in distress Judith Fontaine (Regina Carrol). As heads fly though the air and so does Judith's cleavage, our film today will satisfy all you B movie fans.

The buxom, nubile and trashy Judith, Vegas entertainer

The plot? Not important, and hard to grasp, but here is my humble interpretation. The lovely Joan (Maria Lease) is decapitated on the beach underneath a carnival's Emporium of Creatures house. The buxom, nubile, and trashy Vegas entertainer, Judith Fontaine heads to the California beach to look for her missing sister, Joan. Uh oh, the creature house is run by Dr. Frankenstein (J. Carrol Nash) who sends his henchman, Groton (Lon Chaney, Jr.) out to decapitate hippies and steal their nubile babes. Dr. Frankenstein seeks to create an army of monsters which he surgically creates out of dead people. Uh oh, Dracula (Zandor Vorkov) pays him a visit.

Dracula selects his bride

Dracula has found the original Frankenstein monster (Shelly Weiss) and teams up with the mad doctor. Now Groton and the creature both set out to capture nubile hippie babes and kill their boyfriends. Judith starts snooping and joins forces with a hippie know-it-all named Mike (Anthony Eisley). He is an arrogant sort but Judith and her cleavage still has pre-marital sex with him in the surf. The two figure things out and head over to Dr. F's creature emporium where more decapitations will occur and a maniac midget will get an ax in the face. Dracula gets a view of Judith's cleavage and of course wants her for his bride and he charges the Frankenstein creature to abduct her.

Judith in a predicament

Will Judith ever make it back to Vegas with her cleavage intact?  Wouldn't Frankenstein's army of the undead be more potent if it was made up of vigorous, virile, and potent young men instead of nubile hippie babes? Will Dracula team up with the rest of the sweathogs and continue to misbehave? This is a fun one, and if you like lots of cheesecake and B movie zaniness, have a look at "Dracula vs. Frankenstein."