Alien Invasion: Rise of the Phoenix, Michael Pare is in it!

Okay, a hard movie to defend.  So here it is...Michael Pare is in it!  There! We like Michael Pare.  I admit he does jump off a cliff in the Grand Canyon early on and...splat!  But how many actors can pull that off? Remember, he didn't even do that in "Eddie and the Cruisers" or "Streets of Fire."  Well, maybe not literally.  In this film, he does.  It was so magical and his form was pretty good. Also, the babe actresses in this film are infinitely better actresses than Carrie Fisher was. As far as being interesting, this film is infinitely better than that "Star Wars" Mandalorian garbage.  Our feature today is 2025's "Alien Invasion: Rise of the Phoenix," directed by Stefano Milla.

Alice (Melissa Rokuskie) is a babe geologist or anthropologist with a team in the Arizona desert.  Above, in a space-lab is her sister, the babe scientist June (Jennifer Mischiati). Both have hunks on their teams and we do wish for them to enjoy some passion with them...but back to the story. Alice and June are about to see their life work pay off...or not.  Yep, they undertake something many of us undertake in our youth... teleportation.  These experiments always go so well,  so when this one has weird side effects, the two babes will be surprised.  Back on Earth, Alice has a team member, Cory (Charles von Swayze) ogling her and he will get to work with her trying to get rid of the hordes of tree monsters and the Godzilla-sized rock monster.  Wait!  Did I fail to mention all that?

June, romances no one, and that's too bad.  She stays in a no-gravity room for much of the film and romance in one of those would have conjured up images of Roger Moore doing Lois Chiles. June must now grab a flame thrower and battle a tree monster and other slimy aliens that have invaded her space-lab.  Okay, I admit, I have left out a lot, but just given what I have told you, don't you want to see this film?  Again, June and Alice are babes.  Did I mention the Godzilla-sized rock monster heading toward Phoenix?  Oh, that dive Michael Pare did off the cliff rivals Harrison Ford's dive off the dam in "The Fugitive," except we like Michael Pare.

Will the sultry Alice forget about her rocks and plant a deep wet one on the shy Cory?  Will June and her flamethrower incinerate the tree monster and are flamethrowers a good idea on space stations? So what are the dynamics that June gets to be in space and Alice is stuck in the rocks in the desert, and are they such that a catfight may be brewing?  Monsters, Michael Pare, flamethrowers, space-babes, anthropologist babes, and Cory the hunk...all good reason to watch "Alien Invasion: Rise of the Phoenix."  

Eyes Behind the Stars, Italy's Take on Close Encounters

A year after "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" came out, Italy gave us this feature. The makers of this film let us know that we are indeed watching a true story.  One other thing the Italians have given us in this film that the Spielberg did not, and could not...Euro-Babes!  Yep, Euro-Babes in danger from government spooks, the media, UFOs and aliens, UFO experts, and a super secret society. Euro-Babes in peril.  So sad, they will get b#@&h-slapped, pummeled, possessed, have their brains drained, etc.  The misogyny the Italians seem to have for babes must stem from World War 2 when their women mocked their husbands and boyfriends who claimed to be fighting a war.  Our feature today is 1978's "Eyes Behind the Stars," directed by Mario Gariazzo (the Spielberg of Italy). 

Okay, fashion photographer, and hunk Peter (Franco Garofalo) is shooting sultry model Karin (Sherry Buchanan). Karin poses well and looks very fashionable...though she will not continue looking fashionable. No, after Peter gets abducted by ETs because he accidentally photographed them, he's brought on their spaceship, put on a slab, probed, and studied and sent back to some alien planet. Karin will also be abducted, and we can imagine what happens to her...though she'll be back. Tony (Robert Hoffman), a hunk reporter, and Perry (Victor Valente), a UFO expert, team up. Tony has Peter's pics of that fashion shoot and sees the ETs and their UFO. Tony has a smoking hot secretary, Monica (Nathalie Delon), and what happens to her will be difficult to watch, though one wonders if Tony had hidden women-issues as he pummels and tortures her...anyway, let's leave these scenes out.

Also interested in the pics of the aliens are...the aliens!  They want the pics and people with knowledge of them start dying from radiation burns.  Inspector Grant (Martin Balsam) also wants the pics, as he heads the secret police in Italy.  Oh yes, The Silencers want the pics. These Silencers keep secrets and prevent the public from finding out information that would drive them into a panic. Meanwhile Karin reappears as a drooling idiot and is sent to a psyche ward...typical woman!  Monica displeases Tony and Perry and she will have the snot kicked out of her while looking very fashionable.  The aliens get closer to Perry and Tony, who never come across as that smart.  Uh oh, all these organizations are coming together and none of them show an ability to play nice.

Will Perry and Tony sexually assault the fashionable Monica?  Will any of the aforementioned groups prevail or will they all knock-off each other?  Is some of the  plot lost in over-ambitious dubbing? For some wonderful European misogyny, and a conspiracy anthem, see "Eyes Behind the Stars." 

Blood in Them Hills, Cowboys, Gunslingers, Indians, and Monsters

The Old West! Maybe the best movie setting of all time.  Men were men, women were women, and bullets cast the final votes. A real man smoked cigars or cigarettes, and a real women knew how to please the men. Throw in some Apache, who no one liked, some cannibals, and a monster called a wendigo and we have 2025's "Blood in Them Hills," directed by Kellen Garner and Christopher Sheffield.

There is a lot in this film, as there usually is when cannibals, Apache, and wendigos are mentioned in the same description (Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon" for example), and we will not touch on most of it. Let us first talk about cowboy Joe (Garner) who heads a gang of psychos who rob a bank. A shootout occurs and him and his gang get away with gold bars. Doc (Chad Green), the town doctor is furious that the gang murdered his best friend during the robbery and sets out to find them. Joe can't quite put down a mutiny by his cousin and has to flee leaving Mack (Chris Cleveland) as head of the gang. Joe keeps the gold and is quickly taken prisoner by Doc, who wants to kill him. Leading Joe back to justice, Doc comes across a torn apart farm and finds midwife Willow (Aria Song) and the baby who survived whatever befell this farm. What did befall this farm? The wendigo!

Now the four trek back to the nearest town, Joe in handcuffs. Uh oh...wendigo monsters are not the immediate problem. Cannibals manning a trading post are. This won't end well and the four are on the run again from cannibals. The cannibals attack and are destroyed by Apache and a wendigo. The wendigo? An ugly thing with great big claws and a bovine head. The snows come and it does not look good for Doc, Joe, Willow, and the baby. The wendigo seems to want the baby and gets aggressive. Doc tries to keep the kid and Willow alive without food in the frigid woods as Joe plots escape with the gold he absconded with. Uh oh...the wendigo has a way of uniting mortals even though they don't have what it takes to fight it off. The baby cries, Doc desires justice, Joe is torn between the life of his new friends and greed, and Willow tries to be the mother of a baby she never wanted. The wendigo will decide.

Will Joe become a good guy and use his gunfighting skills to kill creatures and save babies?  Will Doc be able to bring Joe back to face a court of law and still save Willow and the baby? Are the cannibals at the trading post a bit gratuitous for this plot or are cannibals an underused plot device? This is a long film and we did not even talk about the first 45 minutes of it. For what ultimately is a terrific horror film that poses some great questions, see "Blood in Them Hills."

Monster on a Plane, Critters at 35,000 Feet

Remember "Critters" from 1986? They're back, or at least, the German version.  The little buggers are now at 35,000 feet feasting on babe coeds, sultry stewardesses, hunks, and a cockpit crew.  "Airport" from the 1970s was supposed to be this movie but Dean Martin went spastic when he found out he would have to swap spit with a toothy creature. Today we look at the greatest film ever made in Germany, 2024's "Monster on a Plane," directed by Ezra Tsegaye.

A mad scientist smuggles a suitcase on board a 747 heading to Hamburg from some island paradise. Turbulence occurs and the suitcase opens in the cargo hold. Pretty stewardess Nathalie (Eva Haberman) is on her last flight before retirement, and enjoys talking naughty things with hot young stewardess Karin (Kim Kelly Braun).  Also on board is a nerdy professor, Ben (Robin Czerny), who is returning with his students back to Germany. His students? Most notably the nympho Melanie (Isabel Dornheim) and sweet Salima (Anamika Ditta). Okay, the creature, who looks a lot like the critters in the aforementioned 80s classic, first eats pretty stewardess Karin as she has pre-marital sex with the  co-pilot Nico (Nicolas Torrez).  To make matters worse, when the monster farts, the gas gets anyone near it high and they hallucinate. 

The creature attacks after farting thus the victims see either a centerfold model approaching or some other form of seduction getting close.  The erotic hallucinations allow the little toothy bugger to get up close and bite a limb off.  The pretty coeds will be shredded and so will most of the passengers.  The death count is astronomical and we plead with the screen that at least one sultry stewardess survives.  Nathalie is the best bet to be the surviving stewardess as she grabs anything she can to fight off the predator.  Uh oh, she'll also have to fight off a serial killer, all while falling in love with Ben.  So sweet.  Okay, there's a lot more, but now you see the ingredients to make the greatest film ever out of the EU country rapidly becoming a failed state. 

Will Karin and Nico's erotic death scene be used by stewardess training academies as a case study on the perils of pre-marital sex in the lavatory?  Will anyone on this 747 survive?  Is there any truth to reported accounts that Fritz Lang wrote this screenplay before leaving Nazi Germany for the U.S. in 1934?  Sultry stewardesses, a toothy creature, hot coeds, and an astronomical death count all await you when you put on "Monster on a Plane."

The Mad Bomber, A Bert I. Gordon Crime Drama

Bert I. Gordon did not just do giant creature films, though we do love those monster films. Today we look at a gritty, twisted, and prurient crime drama in which he cast former Los Angeles Dodger and Boston Celtic star, Chuck Connors as the psycho. This early 1970s thriller has a "Dirty Harry" feel to it especially when it comes to the Andrew Robinson psycho. Even worse, the mad bomber character is not the seediest, most depraved creep in this movie.  Our feature today is 1973's "The Mad Bomber" (aka "The Police Connection"), directed by Bert I. Gordon. 

As our film begins, Dorn (Connors) puts a homemade bomb in the halls of a Los Angeles high school.  Boom!  Many children are blown to bits and we see the awful carnage.  Dorn, is a tall fanatical character who is very anal about politeness and following the law to the letter. Next up, he blows up a hospital nearby.  Many die.  Uh oh...a witness.  Here's a problem, she is mute and never saw the bad guy.  The bad guy?  No, not the bomber, but the creep who raped her.  The young woman raped was mute and can't provide Detective Minelli (Vince Edwards) any information. Minelli figures out that whoever raped the young woman in a hospital storage closet also saw the bomber.  Now Minelli is looking for a very perverted and active rapist...in order to gain his cooperation.  The rapist?  Fromley (Neville Brand).  Fromley rapes beautiful young women in nice L.A. neighborhoods in a very vicious manner.

Minelli now has to turn into a vice cop in order to get a witness who can identify the bomber.  Meanwhile, Dorn continues his carnage.  Is there a pattern to the bombings? Yep, but it won't be readily apparent to Minelli or the police psychologists.  Fromley is an easier catch and eventually Minelli busts him. With dozens of aggravated rapes under his collar, Fromley is not eager to help Minelli.  Minelli turns into Harry Callahan and finally gets somewhere.  Dorn?  He is getting more ambitious and his backstory is slowly revealed.  Even more interesting, Dorn is aware that the cops have a witness against him.

Will Fromley decide to cooperate with Det. Minelli?  Why is Dorn blowing up places filled with lots of people and is there a pattern that will help the cops know the next target?  Will Detective Minelli refrain from murdering the perverted rapist long enough to let him identify the mad bomber?  This is a gory one and Bert I. Gordon will have no qualms about showing you children blown to bits.  For a vicious police thriller, see "The Mad Bomber."   

Disturbance, Remake of The Hidden

Remember the 1987 scifi/horror film "The Hidden"?  You remember, Kyle MacLachlan and Michael Nouri. One of the best 1980s movies that no one ever talks about. Our feature today is almost an identical remake of it, though the f/x are lower budget.  Still, we must talk about Colleen Porch, who plays Logan in this one. She's sultry and toned.  She's tanned and bad-a**.  Her midriff is second to none and she looks great wielding a pistol and sporting a tactical holster...alas, we'll not mention her much as her demise is one of the saddest in low-budget horror history.  Our feature today is 2005's "Disturbance" (aka "Choker"), directed by Nick Vallelonga.

Hud Masters (Paul Sloan) has the best 6-pack abs in movie history, you dames will love him. He's a hunk and also a serial killer who was apparently executed for strangling and raping massive amounts of babes. Instead of being executed, a friendly alien being comes to Earth, enters his body through the mouth, and goes in search of evil aliens who want to possess human hosts, then take over the planet. A super secret agency, headed by Russo (Vallelonga) tasks Hud to murder the evil aliens in their new bodies which tend to be hookers, thugs, skanks, and karate masters. Hud's handler? The sultry Logan.  Sadly, there is a little bit of the old Hud Masters in the new one. The rapist, strangler Hud...and Logan finds this out the hard way.

Leader (Hayley DuMond) commands a decreasing number of evil aliens. Here we should mention the most sultry coroner in horror film history, Santo (Katrina Law). Yep, Mr. Vallelonga cast his movies nicely. Let's move on from the sexy coroner, and back to Leader.  Hud gets closer to Leader as the two seem to have a psychic connection.  Oh, by the way, the dumpy Russo has married way above his pay grade and has a sultry wife (Susse Budde) and daughter at home. Relevant? It is once Leader finds out about them.  Hud is losing steam, as human hosts don't provide permanent shells.  Leader is losing her steam.  Leader makes a bold move, and Hud must stay alive long enough to foil it.

What's the deal with Logan, and her early departure?  Will Hud get to Leader to kill her before the evil alien figures out a way to stay alive and conquer Earth?  Who is Nick Vallelonga that he can get so many sultry actresses to appear in his low budget spectacular?  If you missed that aforementioned 1987 film, or even if you saw it, enjoy "Disturbance" for a Friday night fright flick.

Jurassic Domination, Eric Roberts, Jamie Bernadette, and Dinosaurs

Eric Roberts as a 4-Star General? Well, better than General Lloyd Austin! More importantly, one of this blogs favorites, Jamie Bernadette as a full-bird army colonel. Sure we'd rather see her as a sultry dame assassin clad in black leather, but no one wears a colonel's uniform better that Ms. Bernadette. Thank you to our buddies at The Asylum for delivering this dinosaur flick...more specifically allosaurus monsters. Remember the allosaurus from the 1970s TV show "Land of the Lost"? Our feature today is 2022's "Jurassic Domination," directed by Brian Nowak.

Yep, happens everyday. The US Army is creating a genetically altered dinosaur to replace humans on the battlefield. Tried in South America, and maybe soon in The Ukraine, these allosaurus genetically altered monsters, wipe through cartels like crap through a goose. Now they have wiped through an army base in the US the same way. Col. Ramirez (Bernadette), looking good in her uniform, commands this base and reports directly to General Greer (Roberts) at The Pentagon. Her troops? Shredded.  Her scientists? Shredded...except for the sultry geneticist Carrie (Alissa Filoramo). Any soldier babe that will provide eye-candy? Shredded. This leaves Major Tanner (Jack Pearson) and his inept men, and one soon to be shredded babe (Jenny Tran) to contain the monsters. Right! The general wants the weaponized creatures alive.

Taking them alive does not go well.  Tanner and his ever shrinking team are methodically going though the base looking for these things.  The things are also looking for the team. Wait! The sultry babe scientist Carrie has invented a plasma-blasting gun. It can stun and possibly murder the monsters.  The results are mixed when tried on the allosaurus things.  Col. Bernadette looks worried and eventually will grab a blaster and go after the little buggers. Yep, you guessed it. In addition to the escaped dinosaurs, a mother allosaurus has laid eggs, which have hatched, and now the mom and her babies are also loose on the base. 

Will Colonel Bernadette and the sultry scientist Carrie engage in a catfight?  Will Colonel Bernadette and Carrie make it as models on the Plasma-Blaster calendar for 2026?  Will the grunting Major Tanner be able to save any of his team from the buffet line of the allosaurus monsters?  Fans of films from The Asylum will love this one.  Fans of babe scientists with Plasma-Blasters will love this one.  Fans of Jamie Bernadette in uniform will love this one.  All others are wusses.  See "Jurassic Domination" and get your Plasma-Blaster calendar today.