Hack-O-Lantern, Satanists Ruin Halloween

Okay, think of today's feature as a bargain basement "The Devil's Rain."  No Ernest Borgnine here but we do have babes dying horribly, skinny-dipping, pre-marital sex, and garden tool carnage.  If you can endure a few annoying music video interludes and one really annoying stand-up-comedy interlude, then you will enjoy 1988's "Hack-O-Lantern," directed by Jag Mundhra.

Weird grandpa (Hy Pyke) loves his grandson Tommy.  He has picked him as his successor as the town's satanic priest.  Amanda (Katina Garner) is Tommy's mother and Grandpa raped her on her wedding day.  Now Amanda tries, unsuccessfully to protect Tommy from Grandpa.  Now in adulthood, Tommy (Gregory Scott Cummings) is set to assume leadership of the cult.  He's a bad to the bone type of guy. Amanda still has hopes of pulling him out of grandpa's influence.  His little brother, Roger (Jeff Brown) is now a town cop and a real hunk.  His sister, Vera (Carla B.) is a slut but likable. Now Beth (Patricia Christie) is Vera's bestie and she'll end up having pre-marital sex with Roger on top of Vera's dead boyfriend...don't ask...just go with it.

Big Halloween party in town tonight.  The same night of Tommy's induction into the cult.  Vera thinks Tommy murdered her boyfriend, who she was just de-virginized by and seeks him out.  Now Vera walks in on the rite and the cultists chase her.  They'll chase her back to the Halloween party and many babes in seductive costumes will pay the price for that.  Everything will culminate at this Halloween party.  Unfortunately, Nora (Jeanna Fine), slut with a pentagram tattoo on her butt, who gave us a gratuitous skinny dipping scene, gratuitous shower scene, and gratuitous gardening implement to the face scene...will miss the party.  Yep, a lot here.  Not smoothly connected, I know...still...Satanists, babes in trouble, pre-marital sex ending badly...and carnage...we do have.

Will Amanda be able to save her son, Tommy, from his evil fate?  How many sex on top of your best friend's corpse moments have we seen in films of late?  Awkward in many places, but gratuitous enough to be a very likable film.  Get ready for the Halloween by watching "Hack-O-Lantern."    

Amityville: The Awakening, Haunted in a Coma

Ouch!  Yep...made us all wince in pain.  Just so horrible!  What Rutger Hauer did to Jennifer Jason Leigh back in the 80s in "The Hitcher."  We all were sweet on her. Alas!  I think I speak for everyone in saying when we see Jennifer Jason Leigh on the silver screen, since "The Hitcher," we all breathe a sigh of relief to see her arms and legs still attached to her torso.  Will she remain in tact in our film today.  Let us look at 2017's "Amityville: The Awakening," directed by Franck Khalfoun.

Jane (Leigh), a caring mom, moves her family into the Amityville house...40 years after the carnage.  Bad move?  Oh yeah!  Her grouchy babe daughter Belle (Bella Thorne) and very cute daughter five-year-old Juliet (Mckenna Grace) are with her.  Oh yes, Jane's teenage son James (Cameron Monaghan).  James was a handsome kid until...well, you'll see.  Now he has been in a coma for a couple of years, brain dead, and on a ventilator full time.  Jane will not accept the fact that he is never coming back.  Or will he?  Yep...you guessed it.  James will amaze his doctors as brain waves return and his eyes open...but is it James?  It is...and someone (something) else.  Now the beautiful Belle must play detective.  When she learns the history of the house she is now living in she asks James if there is anyone else inside his head.  You can guess the answer.

Now Jane and her whole family seem to be on a downward spiral to suffer the same fate as the DeFeo family did back in the 70s.  Belle is onto this but Jane is in denial and believes the boy in the hospital bed is indeed her son.  Carnage begins to occur and so does murder.  There is a really disguising scene with a billion flies (Rod Steiger got off light).  Belle is now in mortal danger for the demon inside James and her mom who will not accept that James needs to be pulled off his life-support.

Will Jennifer Jason Leigh keep her legs and arms attached to her torso as the end credits roll?  Will Belle be able to have a dating life in high school even though possession reigns supreme in her abode? Will anyone think of buying a can of raid for the flies in the house?  Okay, some of the plot devices in this one will cause you to roll your eyes.  But!  Jennifer Jason Leigh is in this one and it proves to be a pretty good possession/haunted house flick...see "Amityville: The Awakening."  

Deadly Descent: The Abominable Snowman, Hunks and Babes Shredded by Monster

First off...kudos to Zara Dimitrova.  She plays the sultry Vera the bartender in today's feature.  Of all the babes in this film...she comes in first.  Sadly, Vera the bartender has little to do with the plot, thus we will not mention her again. Picture a Coors Lite commercial that wants to be a monster movie.  With gratuitous skiing and snowboarding scenes through the Rocky Mountains, a little blood (a lot, actually) will flow.  Today's movie is 2013's "Deadly Descent: The Abominable Snowman," directed by Marko Makilaakso.

As our film begins, the abominable snowman eats Pete (Jesse Steele).  Yawn.  Brian (Chuck Campbell) is sad his buddy was eaten and goes back up the mountain with a gun to murder the monster.  His sister, the babe Nina (Lauren O'Neil), is worried and hires Mark (Adrian Paul) to helicopter her up the mountain.  Uh oh...all of Brian's buddies want to go along and they are all from the same army unit that served in Afghanistan...together.  Rick (Nicholas Boulton) was their commander and he is a grouch and yells at everyone (he must have been a big hit with the Taliban).  Nina loves him...though she could do a lot better.  Also going along are newlyweds (and also from their army unit), the beautiful Stacey (Elizabeth Croft) and Jon (Sam Cassidy)...and the PTSD ridden Erlander (Sean Teale).

The former army unit gets dropped up the mountain and Rick yells at everyone.  The monster attacks right away and eventually they find Brian.  Brian is not happy to see them...and we can understand why.  Rick yells at Brian and Nina continues making goo-goo eyes at him.  One by one the monster eats the group.  Now the hunters become the hunted and everything Rick suggests fails miserably.  As we hope the monster will eat Rick, we also desire the babes survive and find better men to start their families with.

In a perfect world, Vera the bartender would have led the mission up the mountain and Rick would have been left behind.  He could have yelled at bar patrons.  Will anyone survive the wrath of the abominable snowman?  If Brian could have gotten to first base with Vera, would he have been so eager to undertake a monster hunting suicide mission?  If Rick survives will he be sent to The Ukraine to yell at the Russian army?  CGI fun to the max filled with good cheese and beef...see "Deadly Descent: The Abominable Snowman."       

Fair Game, Snake vs. the Babe

Okay a snake is after a babe.  Stop it!  The metaphors that are coming to your mind have no place here.  Today we look at a serious creature versus woman story.  Think of it as a bargain basement "Venom."  Remember that one?  Susan George as a kinky maid and Oliver Reed gets bitten on the tally-whacker (by the snake!)?  Black Mambas create quite the stir when nubile lasses are around, no doubt.  Today we look at  1988's "Fair Game" (originally titled "Mamba"), directed by Mario Orfini and a score by Giorgio Moroder.

The affair is over!  Nubile and arty babe, Eva (Trudie Styler) has dumped computer genius Gene (Gregg Henry).  He is abusive and seeks to control her (Yawn!). Naturally, Gene does not take this break-up well...Eva is a real dish.  The brute visits snake handler, Frank (Bill Moseley) and buys a Black Mamba from him.  Yep, Gene wants Eva dead.  Gene is a fair man and intends to give his former GF a chance.  Instead of just shooting her and cutting up her body, he plants the Mamba in her windowless apartment and locks her in.  Game on.

Now the Mamba goes after her.  Okay, maybe not as aggressive as the one that got Susan George...but it does seek her.  See, as if the thing was not aggressive enough, Gene infused it with additional hormones to make it more aggressive.  The catch is, after an hour, the increased hormones will cause the snake to poison itself and die.  If Eva can survive for an hour...she may survive.  But before all this we will see some gratuitous scenes with Eva taking a bath...yep, the snake will see this, too.  As soon as Eva comes up to speed on her tormentor, she gets smart and a neat game of cat and mouse (or, snake and babe) ensues.

Is the deadly Black Mamba a metaphor for all men in western civilization today and the misogyny they embrace?  Should Eva have been nicer to Gene, maybe telling him "I love you, I'm just not in love with you," or "You're too good for me, you deserve so much better."?  I mean...instead of just breaking up with him.  I could go on...but because I refuse to use some obvious metaphors, which no doubt you all are conjuring up, I'll just say watch "Fair Game." 

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot, An Assassin Spans Two Eras

With a title like "The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot," this blog cannot ignore this film.  Strange...in this film, our story chronicles two assassinations.  The first one is the assassination of Hitler.  The second one is the assassination of Bigfoot.  What is strange...the movie is not really about those killings.  In both cases, the assassinations were not really what we figured they'd be.  Killing is killing...and man is man.  Today we look at this 2017 Sam Elliott film directed by Robert D. Krzykowski.

This is the story of Calvin Barr (Elliott).  We meet him as an old man ready to die.  Now, his life has no purpose to continue.  This was not the case in the 1940s.  As a young army man (Aidan Turner) he is sent on a clandestine mission into Germany to execute Hitler and end the war.  He succeeds with half this mission.  As Calvin comes to find out, the evil that engulfed the world during that war was not confined to one man.  Fast forward to modern times.  The story in the papers explains a serial killer in Canada is murdering a whole lot of people.  Lies.  Bigfoot is doing the killing.  See, Bigfoot is spreading a plague that is killing all the wildlife in the areas he roams.  Now he is roaming south...toward the U.S.

Through a weird set of events, Calvin is plucked out of retirement and sent to Canada to murder Bigfoot.  Easy?  Killing is never easy as you will see through Calvin's eyes.  Have I given away the plot?  Nope...not even close.  Be ready to shed a tear or two and rethink the way you have thought about monsters and war.  Maybe you will also rethink the concept of evil.  Yep...you'll see the hunts...you'll see Bigfoot...you'll see how evil and killing can break a good man. 

This may be a difficult movie to watch as we see what has happened to a hero who has come to grips with his so-called heroism.  Sam Elliott is terrific, and so is Aidan Turner as a young Calvin.  Be warned you will see plenty of monsters (Hitler and Sasquatch) though this film is not really about those two beings.  There is a bit of "The Unforgiven" (The Clint Eastwood film) in this one.  See "The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot" and be ready to think about where you will go in the final decades of your existence.        

Zombie Nightmare, The Undead with a Baseball Bat

Tia Carrere! The beautiful actress portrayed Dr. Sydney Fox, sultry anthropologist on TV's "Relic Hunter" from 1999-2002.  Her portrayal inspired the protagonist in Max Gunssler's new novel Wrath of the Fire Maidens. To order Max's new novel for 99 cents, click on this link WRATH OF THE FIRE MAIDENS . In 1987, the actress starred in her first movie, "Zombie Nightmare," directed by Jack Bravman and John Fasano.  Most people who have seen this film did so on "Mystery Science Theater 3000."  Still, as much fun as we can make about our film today, Tia Carrere as an evil party girl is sultry.

Tony (John Mikl Thor) is good to his mom.  The strapping hunk is all muscles.  He and his mom witnessed the murder of his dad ten years earlier.  Now, Tony is a great softball player and carries around an aluminum baseball bat.  Doing good to all men rarely gets one far in these films.  While protecting a shop owner from a robbery, Tony is mowed down by six partyers in the street and killed.  The revelers drive off.  The most evil of them is Jim (Shawn Levy).  Another of the evil kids is Amy (Carrere), who's great looks highlight this film.  Sad mom pulls in voodoo queen Molly (Manuska Rigaud) to resurrect Tony.  Bad idea.  She does and now Tony is a monster with a baseball bat who will not rest until he gets the revenge due him.

Tony begins going after the kids.  He breaks their necks or bashes their heads in.  Some of the killings are gratuitous and occur during pre-marital sex.  The lovely Susie (Manon E. Turbide) is chased out of a hot tub and runs through a spa clad in lingerie before Tony destroys her.  Jim keeps doing dastardly deeds and trying to rape women out of his league.  Frank (Frank Dietz) is on the case and is a good cop.  His Captain is Adam West and does not want the case solved...you'll see why.  Amy will have some nice scenes and wears some nice party outfits included a nice black leather outfit.  However evil Amy is...we do desire her to survive, though the monster Tony seems to have saved her for last...or has he?

Does Zombie Tony have enough humanity in him to perhaps figure out something else to do with/to Amy instead of bashing her skull in?  What is Batman...er...Adam West's role in all of this?  Will Amy have a hot tub scene just as Susie did?  Make fun of this film if you must but it does deliver on the beef and cheese and includes pre-marital sex and hot tubs.  Find "Mystery Science Theater 3000" on YouTube or Tubi and put on "Zombie Nightmare."  

Blood Harvest, Tiny Tim and Carnage

The man!  The ukulele! Yes, Tiny Tim!  I know...you were just saying "we don't get enough of Tiny Tim!"  Well, I have something for all you ukulele lovers.  Today we look at 1987's "Blood Harvest," directed by Bill Rebane.  We have Tiny Tim (not just a cameo, either) and nubile babes who are way out of his league.  Nudity, gore, gratuitous shower and bath scenes...and more gore...and Tiny Tim!

Jill (Itonia Salchek), a real babe, comes back home to visit.  She'll spend most of this film nude, in intimate undies, in the bathtub, shower, or being groped and sexually molested.  Her parents are missing.  No one liked her parents as her dad is responsible for foreclosing on many of the town's farms.  Eek!  Mervo (Tiny Tim) greets her.  He dresses like a clown and talks in verse.  His handsome brother, Gary (Dean West), also arrives.  Gary's mom and dad went missing, too...and Mervo never got over it...obviously.  Oh yes...Sarah (Lori Minnetti), is Jill's friend.  She's a babe but unfortunately she has "will die very gratuitously in a state of undress," written all over her forehead. 

Okay, Gary loves Jill and Jill loves Gary...as a brother.  Bad news for Gary.  Then Jill's fiancé, Scott (Peter Krause) arrives. He'll be useless and die as gratuitously (except he'll have more clothes on) as Sarah.  Now everyone who comes to visit Jill meets a gruesome fate.  Mervo continues to creep us out and Gary gets more possessive and more perverted as the film drags on.  Give Jill credit, she is only mildly put off by the molestation and perversion thrown her way.  Does that make her "empowered"?  In bloody fashion, Jill's friends die and Mervo continues to sing in verse, dressed like a clown.  Gary, always the opportunist, will do anything to get past first base with the usually nude Jill.

What follows will be wild and crazy.  So, even though Mervo is an insane creep, does he have any chance with the nubile and scantily clad Jill?  Does Gary?  At some level, is what unfolds in this film, a crazy and taboo fantasy of Jill's dream world?  A crazy and insane movie...but then again, Tiny Tim is top billed.  Go ahead...get your Tiny Tim fix and see "Blood Harvest."