The Lift, Homicidal Elevator

Now that the dollar is worth more than the Euro, we can call lifts elevators.  A homicidal elevator?  Happens.  There have been a lot of good movies about horror in elevators.  Today we have a Dutch film that helps explain the European fear of lifts (or, wait!  Maybe that's bursting dikes).  In a weird one from 1983, we look at "The Lift," directed by Dick Maas.  It is an ambitious horror film that will eventually become science fiction.

Four drunk revelers are almost cooked to death inside the elevator of a fancy office building...so it begins.  Felix (Huub Staapel) is summoned.  He is a repairman from the elevator company.  Yep, the elevator checks out fine.  The carnage continues as the thing decapitates a security guard and murders a blind guy.  Felix is called back.  Again, the elevator is fine.  Felix gets suspicious when he finds out his repairman predecessor is now committed to an insane asylum.  Now Felix is joined with reporterette, Mieke (Willeke van Amelrooy).  She's a babe and the two end up doing quite an investigation.

As the elevator continues to misbehave, Felix and Mieke uncover a conspiracy involving a mysterious electronics firm.  This gets Felix taken off his job.  Also checking on the elevator is a mysterious man who drives a van from this weird electronics company.  Normal people would figure the elevator is demon possessed (happens all the time), but our Dutch protagonists are just a bit smarter than us normal people.  Now Mieke and Felix realize what is going on in this rogue elevator is something much larger than an inconvenience in a large office building.  Yep, just like a good western, there will be an epic battle at the end between man and elevator.

Weird and a bit different.  The final reveal is ambitious and a bit icky.  The characters are not really likable except the reporterette is quite the babe.  What is causing the elevator to be homicidal?   Does the elevator have special plans for the hot reporterette?  Since the dollar is valued more than the Euro now, can we call football...soccer?  For a quirky 1980's Euro techno-horror epic, see "The Lift."  

Giallo in Venice, Euro-Babes, Sex Maniacs, and a Scissors

Why not?  Put the sub-genre right in the title.  Nothing says Euro-Babes dying viciously like Giallo.  This goes for sex maniacs, scissors, cut up corpses, and misogynists, too.  Today we look at an Italian horror flick (yep, Giallo) from 1979, "Giallo in Venice" (aka "Gore in Venice") directed by Mario Landi.  As per usual...if you see a ravishing babe in this film, don't get too attached.

Ah!  Sex maniacs Fabio (Gianni Dei) and Flavia (Leonora Fani) frolic through Venice.  They have this hang-up (fetish)...he likes to watch his wife have sex with total strangers.  At first he has sex with his wife in public with others watching...then it graduates to watching Flavia have sex with brutes.  You'll see this a lot in the film.  By the way...we see this as flashbacks as the film begins with a police scene at their murder site.  Beside a canal, Flavia's drowned body lays near Fabio's, who has been gutted with scissors.  Police Inspector De Paul (Jeff Blynn...think of a bargain basement Marjoe Gortner) is investigating.  De Paul may be the most annoying police detective in the history of movies.

Now DePaul must put the case together and catch the killer.  His investigation uncovers an orgy which Flavia and Fabio were involved in.  Marzia (Mariangela Giordano) was also involved with her boy toy.  She still lives...for the moment.  Others who participated in the orgy begin being butchered.  Now De Paul must hurry...Italy's sex maniac population is taking quite a hit.  Through De Paul's investigation we see some depraved people.  This stuff is right out of the Clinton-playbook.  Suspects are developed and each of them have these weird psycho-sexual fetishes.  Yep, all could be elected to public office here in the U.S.  De Paul now must decide which pervert is the killer.

Will any Euro-Babe remain in one piece by the end of this film?  Just what went on at this orgy?  Are the weird sexual fetishes and nymphomaniac behaviors in this film a prescient foretelling of 21st century American political behavior?  Erotic, vicious, and gory...fans of Giallo will want to see this one despite the Marjoe Gortner wannabe detective.   

Decapitarium, Re-Animator Remade

A remake of 1986's "Re-Animator"?  It takes place at Miskatonic University.  A decapitated head calls all the evil shots.  A Barbara Crampton lookalike is the damsel in much distress.  Oh, but wait...here is a difference.  This one has Christine Nguyen as a babe commando fed clad in a tight camouflaged jumpsuit, a tactical holster, hooker boots, and carrying a humongous gun.  Yes!!!  Oh, there are hundreds of decapitations in this film as the student body of Miskatonic University is decimated.  Today we look at 2021's "Decapitarium," directed by Jeff Dunn.

Dr. Wilkinson's (Alex West) experiment goes awry.  In short, his wife (Ruby Lee Dove II) is his test subject and her head pops off.  Now Wilkinson keeps his wife's head alive and she is ticked.  Okay, Barbara Crampton lookalike Samantha (Katusha Robert) is trying to finish a science project and has a killer body.  Mrs. Wilkinson's head wants it.  The head takes over her husband's cyborgs.  The cyborgs are people he decapitated and replaced the heads with a computerized orb.  Now the cyborgs have a circular saw as an arm and decapitate more peeps to become Wilkinson's cyborg army.  Agent Crawford (Nguyen) arrives and she is hot!  She brings a big gun with her and liaisons with the sheriff's office.

Skipping so much...Agent Crawford wants to sign Wilkinson to a defense contract.  The wife's head is still irate and uses her army to decapitate everyone and try to capture Samantha.  Now the head has a huge robot built and becomes the head of this 20 foot tall robot.  Agent Crawford continues to look very steamy in her tight jumpsuit and hooker boots.  The big gun is played against the cyborg army.  Samantha and her impressive figure is put in more peril as the robot-wife-head wants her.  Wilkinson realizes his experiment is out of control.  Explosions!  Hundreds of decapitations!  Christine Nguyen!  Yes!

Got it?  Is there really anything else you need in a film?  I have a great idea...in the 1970s we had the Sgt. Rock comic books.  We need an Agent Crawford comic book here in 2022.  Christine Nguyen in a camouflaged jumpsuit looks a lot better than that old ghost of a tank commander.  For a really great time with a lot of gore, a Barbara Crampton lookalike, and Christine Nguyen in hooker boots, see "Decapitarium."  

Force to Fear, Oh, Yeah!

I know that there are a million reasons to call this a bad movie.  Still...I sooooo enjoyed it.  In fact...I loved it!  In fact...it may be the best time I've had watching a film in years.  Oh...Sable Griedel's portrayal of Nova?  If you weren't in love before this seeing this film...you will be hooked after you meet Nova.  So much right is going on here.  Hunks and babes with martial arts skills, Chinese throwing stars, some firearms, catfights, and some nice black tactical outfits for the babes.  Today we look at 2020's "Force to Fear," directed by Chad Burns and Zane Hershberger.

Two apparent thugs are torturing Ryan (Mitchell Musolino) in an abandoned school.  They decide to kill him...but wait!  A vehicle pulls up with some apparent partyers...hunks and babes looking to drink, dance, and maybe have pre-marital sex.  Wrong!  Ryan is visited by the ghost of his dead girlfriend (Se Marie).  Never mind her...great plot device, sure, but we have better ones to discuss.  The two thugs?  One is an undercover cop, Clint (Joseph Setticase).  Okay, our revelers!  Nova (Griedel) is a real dish, and she has a story and a half.  Pit (Nexus Lyons), a hunk leads them.  Anamoly (April Yanko) tries to loosen up Nova...but why?  Socks (Chad Burns)?  He will be significant.  Oh yes, Vega (Ginny Griedel)?  Sadly, this babe will die horribly early on.

Okay, the two kidnappers are perturbed that these kids seem to be interfering with their plans.  Clint is sent down to straighten them out.  He walks into an ambush as the kids turn into a ninja tactical team.  The team is there for a reason...to find a fiend (Ted Opalinski), who did something evil to Nova.  All out war.  The fiend has an armored suit and plenty of bloody weapons.  Nova has Chinese throwing stars and a real gun.  All out war breaks out.  Martial arts action abounds.  Bloody kills abound.  Black cat-suited babes fight everyone including one another.  The ghost will annoy you.  Impalements, garroting, gutting, pummeling, bludgeoning, and sex appeal will explode out of the silver screen.  When it is all over, you will want to crowdfund a sequel or at very least, find Nova so she can beat you up, too.

All right.  What is going on here?  Do not limit your enjoyment by demanding to know what is going on.  That is why people don't like you, if you haven't figured that out, yet.  Nova is a character we'd love to see a graphic novel series based on.  Sit back, enjoy, and wince at the violence and be allured by the hunks and babes.  For a bloody good time, see "Force to Fear."    

The Lost Tribe, Deranged Mutant Ewoks

What do you get when you breed an Ewok with Predator?  Right!  You ever notice when something that has been lost since the beginning of time is found, it is always uncovered by idiots?  Today we look at 2010's "The Lost Tribe," directed by Roel Reine.  We'll have a nice cheese and beef factor in this one as well as a whole lot of smelly and vicious creatures.  Oh yes, we'll also have Lance Henriksen as an assassin/Catholic priest...in a role that was just waiting for him.

A babe anthropologist finds the missing link on an uncharted Caribbean island.  Not good for the Catholic church, so they send assassin Father Gallo (Henriksen) down there to wipe out the team. Alas, the babe anthropologist (Maxine Bahns) is tortured and murdered by Gallo...but she was not as unlucky as the rest on her team. Fast forward, a luxury sailboat crashes and the castaways are now on this island.  Two bikini babes brighten our mood, Anna (Emily Baldoni) and Alexis (Brianna Brown).  Anna is almost engaged to the hunk Tom (Nick Mannell) and Anna is the trophy of dot.com millionaire Joe (Marc Bacher).  The proverbial fifth wheel is also there, the hunk Chris (Hadley Fraser).  Uh oh...the castaways are being watched...and eventually stalked by a mysterious horde of creatures who move around in the trees.

Uh oh, again...Father Gallo is still on the island and he is under orders to murder everyone who has seen the missing link.  His employers don't want the masses to know God did not create man.  More bad news...the missing link is not just a skull found in the mud...it is a predator like species who likes to eat humans.  One by one...the castaways meet bloody fates at the hands of the creatures and Father Gallo.  Anna mans up and sets off into the inland jungle to look for her missing hunk, Tom.  What she finds is horrifying but not as horrifying at what finds her and what it wants to do to her.  You'll see.  

Can ugly Ewok-Predator things find love with bikini babes?  Doesn't the Catholic church have more pressing and local problems than the emergence of missing links?  Just what do the ugly and smelly creatures want to do with the nubile bikini babes?  This one gets very lurid and gory.  Our hunks and babes will sweat a lot and roll around in the mud which our creatures will enjoy...and us, too.  For a vicious and sometimes hard to watch horror film, see "The Lost Tribe."      

Save Me, Steamy and Deviant

Steamy sex in the bedroom.  Steamy sex in the parking garage.  Steamy sex in a hot tub.  Steamy sex, and get this, in a lingerie shop with a peep-show backroom!  That's just some of the steamy sex in today's film. Okay...Harry Hamlin was married to Ursula Andress...so I just wonder if during the filming of some vicious and steamy sex scenes, Lysette Anthony looked into Hamlin's eyes and asked, "Well, big boy...me or Ursula?"  Today's feature is 1994's sexual thriller "Save Me," directed by Alan Roberts.

Not realizing what he has, Jim (Hamlin) walks out on a marriage with Olivia Hussy!  Now he's on the prowl for better sex.  Then he sees her...a nubile vixen, Ellie (Anthony).  She has the look and Jim follows her into a lingerie shop.  Ellie tries on a neat outfit and steps out of the fitting room and Jim is hooked.  Jim keeps following Ellie and just outside of the shop, Oliver (Michael Ironside) arrives.  He's her shrink.  He embraces her and gives off the vibes that he is very abusive and controlling.  Ellie sees Jim drooling as he stares and leaves a note behind that pleads, "Save Me."  Her phone number is also included.  Back at work Jim his hounded by his new boss, Mr. Robbins (Steve Railsback).  Jim is in a slump and calls the number.

Sex in his Mustang follows, and then back to the lingerie shop for a sex scene you will not believe. Ellie convinces Jim that Oliver is her abusive lover/shrink and is threatening her for continued sex.  Jim offers to help...which leads to more steamy sex.  This also leads to someone trying to murder Jim over and over again.  Oh, Oliver quickly finds out about Jim and seems to threaten him.  So is Oliver trying to murder Jim?  More steamy sex.  Now sweaty sex is introduced into this plot.  I wonder if Ursula Andress saw this film.  I wonder if Ursula Andress ever got into a catfight on the set of of this film?  So sue me...I do wonder this!  More attempts to murder Jim...more steamy sex...and then twists and...more sex.

Just where can we find this lingerie shop with a peep-show back-room?  However much we admire Jim's fortune, will he ever smarten up?  After all, Olivia Hussy is not bad.  Will Olivia Hussy burst through the bedroom door and bitch-slap Ellie?  This is a steamy one and it contains a great cast.  Experienced viewers of these types of movies will see the twists and reveal a mile away.  For a sweaty good time, see "Save Me."    

Black Cadillac, El Dorado vs. a Saab

A big mean black 1957 Cadillac El Dorado!  A menacing antagonist, indeed.  Throw in a wimpy Swedish import, a Saab.  Yep...is there any doubt which one wins?  This brings us to our film for today, 2003's "Black Cadillac," directed by John Murlowski.  We'll have hunks, babes, gore, and revenge.  But just who is meting out the revenge...and for what?  All good questions.  You'll have to endure some twists and some great and action-packed stunt driving to find out.

Okay, three buddies...two in high school and one at Yale.  Our Yalie is Scott (Shane Johnson), a hunk.  His two buddies are his younger brother Robby (Jason Dohring), a virgin, and CJ (Josh Hammond) a troubled youth with a mysterious scar on his face.  Yep, the scar will play into the plot.  The trio go for a last fling and go to a roadhouse bar in rural Minnesota.  All the boys get lucky.  Too lucky, unfortunately and are chased out by bouncers and locals.  They speed away and come across a broken down police car driven by sheriff deputy Charlie (Randy Quaid).  They give Charlie a ride.  Then the fun starts.  Scott is driving the Saab and on the backwoods roads, icy and windy, the black El Dorado picks up their scent.

Yep, the El Dorado is trying to murder the Saab and its occupants.  Some nifty driving on icy roads and icy lakes helps keep the kids and Charlie alive.  Uh oh...the El Dorado is after revenge.  After a stop, "You will pay for your sins," is written on the Saab's windshield.  Now the four try to figure out which occupant is the sinner that has ticked the El Dorado off.  At first, the creepy deputy seems to be the culprit.  Mr. Quaid turns in a creepy performance and it is easy to see him as a corrupt cop.  Then...well, our three hunks reveal that they may have some secrets of their own.  Now Scott is determined to get him, Robby, and CJ to safety...and his stunt driving becomes the star of the film.  But the Saab is Swedish...wimpy car.  The El Dorado is a man's car...advantage Cadillac!

Just what sin was committed and by who to incur the wrath of the big evil El Dorado?  Hey wait!  Any babes in this film?  Yep, you'll see.  Just how corrupt is Charlie and are out hunks in more danger from him than they are the Caddy?  This is a fun one with many twists, but if you pay close attention, the experienced horror fan will figure out just what is going on.  For some fun car chases on ice and snow, and a real mean El Dorado, see "Black Cadillac."