Quirky, gratuitous, and crazy...we have a fine crocodile movie today. In fairness to our grouchy monster, it is called a 'gator' by the insensitive characters in this film, a lot. Call a Ukrainian a Russian and...well, in a little while you might be right. But call a croc a gator and you have a panic on your hands on the Fourth of July. A DNA experiment gone wrong. Not as bloody as when the CDC and that Fauci guy do mRNA experiments and they go wrong. Still, in the Everglades, experimental curs for cancer are just laughed at by the reptile community. Today we look at 2017's "Crocodylus," directed by Myles Erfurth.
Two sultry lesbian babes camp at a beautiful lagoon. They'll strip to bikinis, swap a lot of spit, feel each other up...and get eaten... by a monster, I mean! So sad. See, a weird professor (James Ferrigno) injected his son with an experimental drug because he has lymphoma. You can guess the rest. Now his son, now a croc monster, eats people. Oh, if you like babes...they all will get eaten (by a croc monster) in this film. Women! Who needs them, anyway? Now police chief Conrad (Roberto Escobar) closes the beaches, has the coroner tell him "this was not boating accident," and incurs the mayor's wrath. The croc monster keeps eating. This little town has a brilliant scientist named Matt ((Nicholas Kalasinski). He'll fall in love with a sultry blonde scientist, Ashley (Constance Payne...really). Unfortunately, they both will get eaten. Unfortunately for Ashley...well, let's just say this croc monster still feels the need to sow his wild oats.
Okay, Jessica (Diana D'Ambrosio) is a hot policewoman, who is married to Conrad. Oh! You won't believe her fate in this film. Wow! Enough of that. The croc monster eats little kids, every babe in the State of Florida, most of the cops, the mayor, and cute dogs. Vicious. Now Conrad has an idea. A bad one, but it's an idea. Sure, he bypassed 30 better ideas to land this one, but it'll make good cinema.
Will Conrad and his idea be able to murder the croc monster? What exactly will happen to his babe policewoman wife? Is the croc monster a metaphor for the Biden Administration's failed environmental policies' disastrous effect on the wetlands of this nation? See "Crocodylus" and be careful not to get any ideas on how to conduct a good marriage from it.
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