The Candy Snatchers, A Perfect Plan Schmuck Style

We've seen it all before, not just in the movies. Losers in life's lottery believe they have the perfect plan. What follows is a stark realization that one's misfortunes in life are less because of class inequality and more because of stupidity. Hence our malignant trio in 1973's "The Candy Snatchers." Directed by Guerdon Trueblood, this surprisingly mild crime thriller is one of the most talked about drive-in epics of all time.

Pretty blonde Catholic high school girl Candy (Susan Stennet) is grabbed by three kidnappers. The trio is lead by the beautiful dame Jessie (Tiffany Bolling). Her two cohorts are her vicious brother Alan (Brad David), and muscle man Eddy (Vince Martorano). Two stupid guys and a stupid babe...yeah...what could go wrong? They bury Candy in a coffin equipped with a pipe for air. Now the brilliance starts. They notify Candy's dad, Avery (Ben Piazza). Avery runs a jewelry store and has access to a lot of diamonds. The idiots didn't see four year old Sean (Christopher Trueblood) hiding in the bushes...watching the burial. Uh oh...Sean is mute and may have a number of impairment issues. His ability to help may be severely limited.

Now it starts...of course. Jessie and Alan want to carve Candy up and send her in pieces back to her dad. Eddy falls in love with the almost nubile hostage. Even worse...Avery is glad Candy is gone and doesn't want her back. Now our trio are left with the opportunity to enjoy each other's charm and figure out what to do with the high school babe hostage. Sean? He tries his best but his parents are evil and wish he hadn't been born. Avery is boinking his salesgirl Lisa (Phyllis Major). Candy's mom...two sheets to the wind. Now Eddy envisions romance with Candy and Alan and Jessie figure on murdering the girl. Now Eddy rapes Jessie...how do you think this will contribute to team unity? Poor Sean man's up and makes an attempt to help Candy...the effort will be a sad one.

Does Candy have any prayer at surviving the wrath of her three kidnappers? Will our three idiots kill each other off or do they indeed have a wild prayer at success? Just what is Avery's motivation for desiring the kidnappers to knock off Candy? This is classic 1970s cinema especially for you grindhouse and drive-in fans. Some may be disappointed at the tameness of a film that could have been gratuitous and gory to the max. "The Candy Snatchers" is a grim crime thriller that will remind you of some of the schmucks in your life.