Amphibian Man, Why the USSR Lost the Cold War

Forget about the intellectual fools who chronicle the Cold War that held our planet hostage after World War 2. The answer to the important question of "Why did the Soviet Union lose the Cold War?" is answered here. All you have to know is that the U.S. gave the world "Creature From the Black Lagoon" and the USSR gave the world..."Amphibian Man." Hence today we take a look at a film from the USSR, 1962's "Amphibian Man," shot in The Ukraine and directed by Vladimir Chebotaryov and Gennadiy Kazanskiy. Of course, it didn't hurt that we had Julie Adams and her white swimsuit, and the USSR could only respond with Anastasiya Vertinskaya...a good try...but not good enough.

Okay, in a fishing village, I guess on the Black Sea, a so-called sea devil (Vladimir Korenev) apparently terrorizes fisherman. The supposed sea creature is actually Ichtyandr, the son of a mad-scientist. The mad-scientist, Dr. Salvator (Nikolai Simonov), in order to cure his son of disease, transplanted shark gills on him so he could live in the water. Now Ichtyandr frolics in the sea and plays with fishes. Uh oh, on a fishing ship, the evil Pedro (Mikhail Kozakov) seeks to marry the nubile and sweet Guittere (Vertinskaya). She despises him and tries to escape by jumping overboard. When a shark keys in on her, she passes out and sinks.

The beautiful Guittere is saved by Ichtyandr, who also kills the shark. Pedro will claim credit for saving her when she awakes and now Guittere feels obligated to marry him. Uh oh...Ichtyandr is in love and comes on land to meet the babe. Pedro schemes to capture Ichtyandr and enslave him in his service. Now Pedro desires to get our amphibian man out of the way because Guittere is in love with him. As angry fisherman take to the sea with nets, Ichtyandr faces much peril in pursuit of the nubile beauty. Uh oh for our amphibian man, he will be willing to die for the woman he loves and many of the fisherman in the village would be eager to see that happen.

Will the amphibian man outsmart the fiendish Pedro and end up with the only babe in the entire Soviet Union? Is Pedro a mere metaphor for greedy imperialists who laugh as they sit on the backs of the workers? Would it have changed world history if "Amphibian Man" wasn't such a pale comparison to "Creature From the Black Lagoon," and fashion trends in the USSR could have matched the white swimsuit of Julie Adams? For an enjoyable Soviet sea creature fable with some nice Soviet cheesecake (I bet you didn't know that existed), see "Amphibian Man."

Star Slammer, Spacebabes in Bondage

Sultry spacebabes wearing practically nothing...often naked...often strung up for torture...and subject to the groping and advances of lesbian guards and a demented she-devil warden...yes, the feel good movie of the 20th century, 1986's "Star Slammer" (directed by Fred Olen Ray). The cat-fighting will be over-the-top, and the little bit of clothes worn by these centerfold-type actresses will be easily ripped off...pure trash! Pure trash or not, "Star Slammer" is a film that speaks to us and reminds us guys...well...it reminds us guys, why we are guys!

The scantily clad, and very sultry Taura (Sandy Brooke) is jiggling through a mining planet when she is captured by the evil Bantor (Ross Hagen). He frames her for murders he committed and delivers her to a prison spaceship for sultry and sweaty babes. Immediately Taura gets into a vicious cat-fight with the unofficial leader of the inmates, the sultry Mike (Suzy Stokey). They'll pummel each other and earn each other's respect. Next the dominatrix warden (Marya Gant) summons her and informs her that she will either be her sex-toy or face torture. Taura chooses torture. After more cat-fighting, Taura and Mike end up in solitary and at the mercy of mutant monster rats.

Mike and Taura join forces and together, with the other babe inmates, plot escape. As the warden whips them, an interesting plot device appears, Dr. Po (Jade Barrett). Po is a sultry Asian mad-scientist who has perfected a non-surgical lobotomy. As Bantor returns to the spaceship jail, he uses Po to inflict carnage onto the beautiful inmates. Now its time to rise-up, or face Po's brain surgery. Ah, but wait...the sultry Asian mad scientist may be facing a tortuous and humiliating fate at the hands of...well, you'll see. As spacebabes are slaughtered, Mike and Taura must lead the mutiny on the spaceship and gain freedom before Bantor and the warden torture and pick them apart.

Is this 1986 film the impetus of the recently passed criminal justice reform in the United States? Will the feisty and ever jiggling Taura and Mike be able to turn the tables on the demented dominatrix, leather-clad warden?  Just what awaits the sultry and scantily clad Asian babe mad-scientist in her own laboratory? This is a classic and will give you guys a lift especially after being forced to watch romantic comedies or those acrid DC or Marvel bore-a-thons. For some great cinema, take in "Star Slammer."

Voodoo Woman, The Ultimate Femme Fatale

Yep...when the dame in this film turns into an indestructible monster, one might see this as a pertinent metaphor. Sweet and seductive in one instant, horrific and vile the next. 1957's "Voodoo Woman" transcends our standard femme fatale into that monster, thanks to a mad-scientist and a little bit of voodoo. Oh yes...Mike Connors ("Mannix") is in this as the square-jawed hero who never turns into a monster...interesting.

Mad-scientist Dr. Gerard (Tom Conway) has embedded himself deep in the African jungle with a voodoo tribe. He keeps his wife, the sultry Susan (Mary Ellen Kay), as a prisoner which he will use for future experiments. He has turned the chief's daughter, Zuranda (Jean Davis) into his zombie-drone that sometimes turns into an indestructible monster bent on killing and destroying. Back in Cairo, femme fatale Marilyn (Marla English) plots. She kills some schmuck for his treasure map and intends to trudge deep into the jungle to abscond with the voodoo tribe's gold and jewels. Enter Mannix...I mean Ted (Connors). He, at gunpoint, agrees to guide Marilyn into the jungle.

Meanwhile, the pretty Susan believes her husband is about to kill her, now that the chief's daughter is his slave. Her escape attempts fail and the tribe believes she will be given to them as a white sacrifice. Marilyn and Ted make it there and the femme fatale continues shooting schmucks to death. Dr. Gerard loves this quality and tricks the homicidal babe into becoming another indestructible monster. He reveals his plan to Susan, believing Susan will be sacrificed soon, that he will breed a whole race of these fiends and conquer the world...Disney has beaten him to the punch, I'm afraid. Never fear...Mannix...I mean, Ted...is here and he is buff and handsome and ready to save the proverbial damsel in much distress. As the voodoo tribe, Dr. Gerard, and our femme fatale babe seek to murder Ted and Susan, the duo must overcome incredible odds to escape, prevail, and stop Dr. Gerard's planned conquest.

Will we see a three-way cat-fight between Susan, Marilyn, and Zuranda? Will Ted call Barnaby Jones for assistance? Are the women who turn into monsters in this film mere metaphors for PMS? Perhaps a man's vision to dramatically chronicle his existence with a grouchy wife, or perhaps just some schlock 1950s B movie fun, either way, take in "Voodoo Woman," directed by Edward L. Cahn.

Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, Gloria Talbott With Fangs

Unlike today's A-List so-called actresses, Gloria Talbott was talented and beautiful...and she made films we actually wanted to see. Unlike today's "actress"-pretenders, Ms. Talbott didn't need her face computer-enhanced to get rid of blemishes, and she didn't need surgeries to enhance various parts of her body...and she could act. Today's losers, you see many of them in super-hero films, try to pass off timed-shrieking as real acting. Gloria Talbott was, in a true sense of the term, a glamorous actress. Add some fangs and a demeanor of a werewolf and we have today's film, 1957's "Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, directed by Edgar G. Ulmer.

Janet (Talbott) will turn 21 soon and brings her fiance, George (John Agar) home to meet her uncle, Dr. Lomis (Arthur Shields). Surprise, Dr. Lomis tells her that when she turns 21, the whole estate will be hers. Another surprise...she is the daughter of Dr. Jekyll. Uh oh...Janet tells George to leave her as she fears her children will grow to be little Mr. Hydes. George loves her and refuses. Uh oh, Janet has dreams she is a werewolf ripping out the throats of nubile lasses. When Janet's pretty maid (Mollie McCard) is found with her throat ripped out, the townspeople believe Janet is the culprit. Janet is distraught as she believes she is becoming a werewolf and murdering young women.

Dr. Lomis and George are supportive and try to reassure her that she is not a beast. Uh oh, after every murder, Janet wakes up with bloody hands and mud all over her white negligee. As the townspeople organize to drive a stake through Janet's heart, more proof suggests she is indeed a monster by night. More nubile lasses will be ripped apart and more white negligees will get soiled. Now Janet pleads with someone...anyone...to drive a stake through her heart. But wait! Is she really the beast? George doesn't believe so...and don't forget...she will get a huge inheritance.

Could this beautiful and diminutive lass really turn into a fanged monster? Might her sweet uncle, Dr. Lomis, be bitter that he won't get any of the inheritance of Dr. Jekyll after Janet turns 21? If Janet does spawn little Mr. Hydes, will they be any worse than most modern day public school kids? Gloria Talbott is terrific and watching her run through the moors clad in white negligees is worth the price of admission. For a neat take on a classic horror theme, with great acting, and atmospheric sets, watch "Daughter of Dr. Jekyll."

Horror Hospital, Deviant Mad Doctor

We all know the frustration when our superiors do not let us use humans instead of animals in our experiments. Prudes! University science labs and medical colleges are stalled because of this archaic mindset. President Franklin Roosevelt sanctioned human experimentation...as did...well never mind. In our film today we meet a mad doctor with the same frustration...but he does something about it. Hence 1973's "Horror Hospital."

Okay, as our film opens, two schmucks trying to escape Dr. Storm's (Michael Gough) hospital .are beheaded by a limo. Storm is a mad-scientist who labotamizes young babes and hunks in order to...well, you'll see. Back in London, stressed out rock musician Jason (Robin Askwith) needs some R&R and he sees an ad for Dr. Storm's place. He goes believing it is for R&R and meets the nubile Judy (Vanessa Shaw) on the train. Judy is headed there to visit her Aunt Harris (Ellen Pollock). Aunt Harris is Storm's assistant. No one is expecting them so Judy and Jason are given the same room where gratuitous showers and pre-marital sex will start immediately.

Harris doesn't want her niece there and soon she is abducted by Storm's goons and prepped for surgery. Jason desperately tries to find her and will engage in deadly combat with Storm's men before he is also imprisoned. We meet Storm's experiments and they are all athletic zombies, including the ravishing Millie (Barbara Wendy). After seeing what Storm does with Wendy, we gasp at what Judy's fate is about to be. As Jason thinks up daring escape and rescue plans, Storm's other assistant, the dwarf Frederick (Skip Martin) emerges as an ally. The final 20 minutes will be shocking especially when let in on the terrible fate of Millie.

This film might have received an X rating because of the male frontal nudity, and deviant and perverse sex scenes...so be warned. Just who is Dr. Storm and what exactly does he have planned for Millie and Judy? Is Jason smart enough to rescue Judy and escape, and should he trust the evil dwarf? Okay, I guess we have all asked that question looking at our own daily predicaments. How does a limo decapitate escapees? Bloody, deviant, and disturbing, "Horror Hospital" (directed by Antony Balch) is a film that will stay with you whether you want it to or not with some of the most shocking images you will ever want to see.

Terrifying Girls' Highschool: Lynch Law Classroom, Japanese High School Girls in Trouble

Perhaps in Japan 1973's "Terrifying Girls' Highschool: Lynch Law Classroom" is an important statement about the post-war Japanese patriarchy misogynistic treatment of women. However, everywhere else, this is pure grind-house sexploitation, that even pushes the envelope with the drive-in crowd. A school full of sultry Japanese high school girls...many will be stripped, tortured, raped, murdered, humiliated, and tortured some more. This film will satisfy the fetish of Japanese businessmen, and in the West...it will satisfy everyone with a mind still mired in a juvenile state (at least to some degree).

As our film begins, very pretty Michiyo (Emi Jo) is having her blood drained by nine girls that make up the 'disciplinary committee.' Michiyo has been stripped and tied up. Her death will be sad and gratuitous. The Hope School caters to female juvenile delinquents and the committee is headed by the beautiful Yoko (Ryoko Ema). In reality, it provides young sex-toys in school uniforms to politicians and school officials. Yoko and her committee will then be challenged as three new juveniles are transferred to the school...the sultry Noriko (Miki Sugimoto), Remi (Misuzu Ota), and Kyoko (Seiko Saburi). This trio is groped and probed immediately by the committee and they don't like it. Quickly they decide to fight back.

Knowing the score, Noriko and her two chums realize they will have to use sex (straight and lesbian) in their quest to annihilate the committee. What follows is grotesque humiliation and torture as Yoko and her committee seem to have the advantage. Ah, but wait! Who exactly is Noriko and where did she come from? As a mysterious foe (Yuko Kano), clad in leather and riding a motorcycle invades the school, it appears Noriko has a long line of sultry gals looking to pull her you-know-whats off. Noriko soon realizes orders for her demise have been issued to the committee by the highest levels of the Japanese government.

A lot of Japanese school girls will be stripped, raped, and tortured...some killed. There will be a lot of gratuitous shower scenes, sex scenes, and brutal rape scenes. I know...this is trash and you want no part of it. Fine, but like many others who will see this film, you can view it in secret and never tell anyone you partook in the experience. Directed by Norifumi Suzuki, "Terrifying Girls' Highschool: Lynch Law Classsroom" is a brutal and exploitative exclamation point that you won't be able to resist, albeit you will never tell your friends you saw it.

Bridge to Nowhere, Bad Behavior in New Zealand

Are all men in New Zealand wild beasts? Are all women in New Zealand sluts? In the most convicting film ever to come out of Kiwi-land, we may have the answers to these questions. Even in N.Z. hunks and babes run off to the wilderness for alcoholic beverage consumption, loud Rock music, skinny-dipping, and pre-marital sex. Yep...even in N.Z., those same hunks and babes are imperiled by the puritanical menaces of that land. Hence 1986's "Bridge to Nowhere," directed by Ian Mune.

17 year old (just what is the statutory rape age in N.Z.) Tanya (Margaret Umbers) looks forward to her camping trip so she can have pre-marital sex with her beau, Leon (Phillip Gordon). Leon looks forward to this trip so he can beat, humiliate, and rape Tanya...oh those Kiwis! Uh oh, Tanya's dad makes them take Tanya's stiff brother Carl (Matthew Hunter) with them. Tanya is quite the vixen, she has no pretension about stripping, skinny-dipping, and pre-marital sex as her brother watches...oh those Kiwis! Okay, also along is the sultry Julie (Shelly Luxford) and Gray (Stephen Todd). Leon shows anti-social behavior from the get go and the quintet will immediately find a pond for the aforementioned skinny-dipping, however awkward it may be for the straight-laced Carl.

As soon as these kids get to the wilderness they begin to annoy a hermit, Mac (Bruno Lawrence). Mac has a nubile gal (which may be his daughter), Lise (Alison Routledge). Lise likes sex, especially when others watch. Her eyes seduce Leon, and Leon turns all beast as he molests and rapes Tanya...who still wants him to love her...oh those Kiwis! As Leon gets too close to Lise one night he incurs Mac's wrath and bloodshed ensues. Now the four surviving...yep, bye-bye Leon...are running for their lives in unfamiliar wilderness. Mac realizes witnesses are inconvenient and sets out to make sure none of the teens survive. His plan is a bit more complicated than just shooting them. As the cold, and lack of food begin to ware on the four survivors, they begin to get a bit wild themselves and decide to go on offense. Mac knows the wilderness and he wants Lise for himself...though Lise may have something to say about that...oh those Kiwis!

Do the four teens have a shot at surviving the unfamiliar wilderness and the psycho hermit and his nymphomaniac gal? What will starvation and exposure do to the psyches of these teens? Is this film a thinly veiled message to Australia that Kiwis have a sadistic streak and will soon invade and conquer their neighbors to the west? This is a deviant and brutal film which contains some twists and a lot of cruelty. For an in depth study of the ethos of  New Zealand, see "Bridge to Nowhere."

Grotesque, Everyone Dies...or do they?

Donna Wilkes? All of us guys in our early to mid-fifties all developed a crush on her. Beset by a Great White in "Jaws 2," clad in tight short shorts...her shivering and intense fear seduced us as teenagers. We all pleaded to a higher power..."DON'T LET THAT FISH EAT HER!" She survived and us teenagers let out a loving sigh of relief. No such luck for the perky Ms. Wilkes in 1988's "Grotesque." So sad, the nubile Ms. Wilkes, clad in a white nightgown, will be chased, sexually molested, caressed by an insaniac mad-woman, and then gutted by the same mad-woman. Did I just reveal a spoiler? Maybe.

Lisa (Linda Blair) brings her buddy, Kathy (Wilkes) home, to a mountain cabin, to meet her family. Kathy has just been dumped by her BF and is sad. She will get sadder as a psychopathic biker gang led by Scratch (Brad Wilson) and his GF Shelly (Michelle Bensoussan) converge on the cabin. Lisa's dad (Guy Stockwell) is a Hollywood horror f/x guy and loves to do practical jokes. Oh yes, Lisa and her parents have a grotesque mutant monster hidden away in a secret room...I know, metaphorically, who doesn't? The gang hits with much violence and in heartbreaking manner, molest Kathy clad in a white nightgown and Shelly gropes her and guts her. Only Lisa will survive and she will run out into the snow and into the mountains.

Gang member Ear Box (Billy Frank) will pursue. Accidentally, the fiend, Patrick (Robert Apisa) is turned loose and begins going through gang members like crap through a goose. Now the surviving gang bangers are on the run up the same mountain and Patrick follows. Patrick os...well...grotesque and has super human strength and snaps anyone he meets in half. Enter Rod (Tab Hunter). He's Lisa's uncle. He joins a posse looking for the criminals and Lisa. What they find will be horrific. No spoilers here but what emerges in the plot is so far out there you will wonder if you are watching the same movie. Rod decides to take revenge into his own hands and his methods will be shocking and include surgical tools. Oh yes the ending! Wow! Its one of those ending you will ask yourself, "wait, did that just happen?"

Just how can a movie -maker kill of Donna Wilkes in such cruel and humiliating fashion? What will be Linda Blair's fate as she runs up the snowy mountain clad in her pajamas? Tab Hunter...really? This is a quirky one with a plot that goes into unexpected directions. The gang members are all creepy and loud and we pray for their bloody demises as we sob at the demise of Donna Wilkes. For some unexpected chills and kills, see "Grotesque," directed by Joe Tornatore.

Stripped Naked, Exotic Dancers and Assassins That Hate Them

Pure 1970s gratuitous exploitation, there is nothing like it. Strippers...er, I mean exotic dancers in much peril from evil criminal forces...poetry! No morality tale of young women doing anything they have to to pay for college, or their daughter's life saving operation. No, just pure nymphomaniac exotic dancers hustling and behaving badly. Oh yes...this 1970s style grindhouse epic is 2009's "Stripped Naked," directed by Lee Demarbre.

Cassie (Sarah Allen) is a sultry exotic dancer slugging it out with her stupid BF Jack (Jon Cor). He wins and now she is on the side of the highway. She makes it to a truck stop looking for a ride and a charged cell phone and Banger (Luigi Seracino) invites her into his car. As another car pulls up, Seracino implores Cassie to hide on the floor, she complies. What follows is a shoot-out of a drug deal gone bad leaving Cassie as the only survivor, now equipped with $90K, a lot of crystal-meth, and a nice car. Call the cops? Not Cassie! This beauty has plans...go to Paris with the dinero. Exotic dancers aren't the brightest bulbs in the chandelier and we will watch Cassie make so many questionable decisions.

Unbeknownst to Cassie, a crime-lord wants the drugs and money back...go figure. A ruthless assassin, Roddy (Mark Slacke) is dispatched to find them. The homicidal maniac begins a deliberate search and as he gets close, Cassie's buddies are killed horribly. As nubile stri...I mean exotic dancers fall, Cassie is bent on preserving her seemingly good fortune and absconding with it to Paris. Uh oh...Cassie's BF Jack is back and he rips her off and tries to buy a body shop with the cash. Now Cassie's lover becomes her prey as she becomes as ruthless as Roddy. After several gruesome killings, some lesbian make-out scenes, Cassie is on the verge of emerging the winner. But wait! Not all is as it seems, and our ruthless dancer may have more enemies than she imagined.

Sarah Allen is terrific in a seedy but cunning role and we will see her do anything to prevail. Will Cassie make it to Paris? What exactly did happen during the shoot-out that opened this film? Are two lesbian exotic dancers making-out really what we want to see in a movie? Okay, that last question is a stupid one. For some gratuitous fun where a whole bunch of schmucks die horribly, enjoy "Stripped Naked."

Killer Crocodile 2, Cinematic Greatness

Every time The Smithsonian does a list of greatest films of all time, there are at least five crocodile films in the top 10. No one disputes Crocodile 2: Death Swamp is the greatest film of all time. Italian film boards consistently rate Killer Crocodile as the most artistic film ever. It is a wonder that more movie-makers shun crocodiles in modern film. Capitalizing on the success and artistic praise leveled at "Killer Crocodile," director Giannetto De Rossi in 1990 made "Killer Crocodile 2." Say what you want about crocodile films but I think we can all agree there has never been a bad film in which nuns get eaten by these crocs...and today's film is no exception.

Just like in 1989's "Killer Crocodile," a wealthy developer is dumping radioactive waste into the swamp on a Caribbean island. Yep...again, this causes a croc to grow to 50 feet...it happens. The monster begins eating people starting with a nubile wind-surfer in an alluring white swimsuit. The thing is still hungry and eats two nuns and their schoolkids...really...a heartbreaking scene. The developer has a pesky reporter killed who is trying to expose this travesty. Then another reporter, the sultry Liza (Debra Karr) is sent to the island to pick up where her deceased colleague left off. She's very hot and wears the most alluring white outfits in the swamp. As she heads to the swamp, the developer sends a bunch of henchmen after her.

As Liza is beset by sweaty and brutish henchmen with murder and rape in mind, her newspaper sends the handsome Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna) to help her. He's a guide and women need men to protect them...hey, this is an Italian film. Kevin meets up with his old mate, Joey (Ennio Girolami), who lives in the swamp...probably smells like a swamp, too. Kevin will get Joey eaten pretty quickly. He'll then find Liza and the two will fall in love and have pre-marital sex. The croc will eat henchmen and Liza's wardrobe will disappear and we will get a lot of gratuitous shots of her all wet and shiny. Now as water-skiers head into the swamp and Liza sweats and makes more moves for her hunk, the croc readies itself for another meal.

Will the nuble Liza ever realize she belongs in the kitchen and not in a man's world? Will Kevin be able to protect Liza's virtue from the henchmen and the monster croc? Is Liza's decreasing amount of clothes and undergarments a metaphor for Europe's increasing misogynistic attitude to professional women? This is a stellar film and it is probably a mere coincidence that Eurpoe has been going down the tubes since this film hit the silver screen. For some mean-monster-chasing-a-mostly-naked-nubile babe-action, see "Killer Crocodile 2." 

The College Girl Murders, Mystery and Misogyny

Yep...its set at an all girls' college in England. Yep...every student at the college is a sultry English babe. Yes...every professor is an old-geyser, sweaty pervert. Yes...the gals will do anything for good grades. Yes...we will have gratuitous bikini scenes that may not necessarily advance the plot line. From 1967, we will take a peek at a German film, "The College Girl Murders," directed by Alfred Vohrer.

The nubile beauties will die horribly as a mysterious fiend engineers a complicated plan with a lot of moving parts in order to commit the perfect murders. It's foolproof and as the dames die, there is no indication of murder. Pam (Ewe Stromberg) will die at church as she opens her Bible. By a stroke of luck, Inspector Higgins (Joachim Fuchsberger) finds out that death was caused by a poisonous gas that makes death seem like a heart attack. As Higgins converges on the college, the murders continue. In addition to the poison gas method, anyone who knows too much is strangled by a mysterious monk in red.

Uh oh...Betty (Grit Boettcher) and Mary (Suzanne Roquette) know that Pam partied with an old geyser professor named Keystone (Konrad Georg). A suspect? Yeah, until the monk offs him. Now Inspector Higgins figures out the logical sequence of the victims and starts fighting back. He's clever, but the fiendish mastermind seems to be a genius. As we meet more of the perverted college staff, the suspect list seems to grow. Higgins isn't fooled and realizes the perverted professor theory is too easy. The nubile Ann (Uschi Glas) has reason to be murdered and Higgins picks up on this. Higgins enacts his plan, but our evil mastermind seems a step or two ahead...or is he (or she)? As we get more gratuitous bikini and swimming pool scenes, Higgins is definitely on to something.

Why are these beautiful college gals being slaughtered? Just who is this red monk and why is he killing college staff? Are there any homely dames at university in the UK? Gratuitous with the cheesecake, "The College Girl Murders" is a fine mystery that will keep you guessing. As today's colleges and universities continue to sanction and encourage unlimited misogyny onto the fairer sex, enjoy the scenery and the wit of a neat Euro-Trash exploitation/mystery murder yarn.

Godmonster of Indian Flats, Baa Baa You Mutant Sleaze Ball

Siss...boom...baa! Yep, that is the sound a sheep makes when it explodes. Okay, what sound does a sheep make when it mutates and grows to 12 feet tall with a thirst for blood? It's hard to describe but it is similar to the roaring sound made by a great white in "Jaws the Revenge." Unlike the clown community, the mutant sheep community hasn't had to worry too much about Hollywood giving them negative images. In fact since 1973, no films were made about ravenous mutant sheep...hence 1973's "Godmonster of Indian Flats." No really...I'm not kidding.

There is so much here I am going to leave out large chunks of the plot. Suffice it to say, drifter and sheep lover Eddie (Richard Marion) awakes in a sheep pen. Also waking up with him is a grotesque and pulsating embryo of a sheep...I hate when that happens. Fortunately Professor Clemens (E. Kerrigan Prescott), a mad-scientist, just happens to have his secret lab next door. With the help of his nubile and perky assistant, Mariposa (Karen Ingenthron...really), they bring Eddie and his embryo to an incubator inside the lab. Eddie and Mariposa fall in love and have pre-marital sex, and the embryo grows to a 12 foot monster sheep. Clemens determines phosphorous gas emanating from the closed silver mines is playing havoc with the DNA of sheep herds in the area.

Okay...we won't touch on the intrigue that is the other part of this film. Suffice it to say, a corrupt posse, a mining executive, Madam Alta's (Peggy Browne) brothel, and a weird sheriff and mayor will all head to the lab with guns and tear gas. In an unfortunate misdeed of justice aimed at the mining executive, the mutant monster is spooked and gets loose. Carnage and scares follow as the hideous thing seems only answerable to the nubile Mariposa who is eager to caress it and talk sweet nothings to it...really. As the violent horde closes in, a really stupid and far-fetched idea comes to the mind of the town's mayor that may be an even worse fate than death for the monster.

Will Mariposa's bond with the creature put a strain on her relationship with Eddie the drifter? Will the rampage of the monster sheep destroy the plans the city officials have for it? How about our mad-scientist? Could his experiments hold the secrets of creation (that's what he claims) or hurry up man's ruination? This is a good one and many of the plot devices not mentioned here will cause you to scream out, "Are you kidding, is this for real?" It is real and feel free to enjoy a quirky horror tale directed by Frederic Hobbs, "Godmonster of Indian Flats."

Atom Age Vampire, Nubile Blonde Beset By Beast

Susanne Loret! We know very little about her as her career as an actress was so brief (1959-63). What a dame, though. She had that Veronica Lake hair thing going (the peekaboo style). One wonders if Veronica Lake inspired this film as that hairstyle is key to the plot. See, Ms. Loret's peekaboo hairdo will serve to hide a horribly scarred face in this film. Hence 1960's "Atom Age Vampire" (directed by Anton Giulio Majano). This Italian film can boast of very little, other than the sultry Ms. Loret screaming and looking quite the hapless damsel in need of quick rescuing.

Jeanette (Loret), she's a stripper...er...exotic dancer. Her navy beau, Pierre (Sergio Fantoni), dumps her because he doesn't want to date a str...exotic dancer. Big mistake...she's a babe and he'd be a legend on his ship if he continued to date her. Depressed and crying, she drives off a cliff and survives...but her face is disfigured. She won't see anyone at the hospital because of her now burned and scarred face. But wait...there's hope. Professor Levin (Alberto Lupo) has invented a serum that can restore her lovely face...Derma 28! Derma 28? Well, the professor hopes it won't have the side effects Derma 25 had...you'll see. He sends his lovely assistant Monique (Franca Parisi) to fetch her at the hospital.

Monique convinces Jeanette to come to Levin's house/lab where the good professor can restore her face. Yep...Jeanette is forced not to reveal where she has gone. Monique is a babe and is in love with Levin. Too bad for Monique that Jeanette is a mega-babe and now Levin loves the disfigured stripper. He cures her face...kind of. Derma 28 works...or does it? Yep, the scars and burns return unless Levin can find the glands of nubile young women. To do this, Levin turns into a monster and kills young women and slices out their glands...thus keeping Jeanette's face scar-free. As it is apparent that Monique will never be as beautiful as our blonde stripper...er exotic dancer...well, Monique's fate will be quite sad. Uh oh again, Jeanette is repulsed by the weird Levin and wants her navy beau back. This makes the professor/monster reckless and violent and now Jeanette will be put in mortal danger, and may not be able to keep her Veronica Lake looks.

Alas poor Monique...so beautiful, but in films like this, unless you are the most beautiful...you die horribly. Will Professor Levin convince Jeanette to love him, or will the navy guy show up and rescue the dancer damsel? How many nubile babes will be harmed in the making of Derma 28? Is this how Oil of Olay got started? This is a fun one. Though the scares are minor, the mysterious Ms. Loret is stunning and screams well...and a lot. For some nice 1960 Italian horror, see "Atom Age Vampire."

Hunger, Mourning Horror

Be careful, vulnerability in mourning may take you into horrific peril. There is no getting around it, losing someone too soon, someone we love deeply, leaves a vicious void. Historically a period of mourning carries us through these times, its even biblical. Sadness, perhaps tears and anger with God...its all natural. Through the love of our friends and the bodies natural healing process, and perhaps more intimate conversations with God, we endure...we heal...we move on...and eventually a desire and a capacity to love returns. Not always...sometimes something else assuages our mourning experience and exploits our vulnerability...and horror sets in. Hence 2019's "Hunger," a short (10 minutes) film by Joseph and Lisa Sorrentino and directed by Daniel Brown.

Luca  (David A. Valez) is now a widower. His beautiful wife was taken too soon in a bloody accident. Their love was intense and David is a broken man. Will he heal? Uh oh...something is on its way. As David can practically reach out and touch his wife, it is not to be...or is it? Her coffee mug still lays next to his, her decorating touches still speak to him, and most of all David's love for her has consumed him as he desperately wants her back. We feel for David, not even being able to imagine if our true love were taken from us. Then it arrives...a gift from the grave? Could be. Or maybe she mailed it prior to her death...we don't know and it doesn't matter.

David always wanted an old fashioned radio, and his darling wife Chloe (Jaquinley Kerr) got him one. These nostalgic pieces are a connection to the past and this one is no exception. No spoilers here but what follows exploits David's vulnerability in this harsh time. There is no sugarcoating David's period of mourning, and there will be no sugarcoating an unhealthy avenue it dives into.

Perhaps a word of warning from the filmmakers...there is nothing good about deviating from the natural path of mourning. Or perhaps a grand ole horror story about...well...you'll see. We like David and we want him to beat this and move on, but perhaps we naively underestimate his love for a soulmate suddenly taken. We pray we never are in David's predicament, but if so, "Hunger" may serve as a warning that could save your soul.

Mentally Apart, Love is not Enough

Expecting a virtual slap in the face from the star of "Mentally Apart" (the sultry Christine James Walker), I told her that her latest film was sort of what Roman Polanski's "Repulsion" would be if it decided to go pairs skating. I emerged un-bruised. Ah, true love! Alas, is it ever eternal? What if we could fall in love and the mystical forces that oversee us would open a portal to another dimension in which we could escape to with our lover? In that dimension our lives will concentrate on that true love. Uh oh...those portals aren't miniature and when they open, and we sashay through them...what else might sneak through. Our capacity to love...our capacity to cherish...our capacity to...well, you fill in the blank. Hence 2019's "Mentally Apart," a film that will clean up at the festivals, directed by Joe Pomarico.

They meet at a bar, Luna (Walker) and Chuck (Larry Bernardo) and go back to his place. Perfection (yeah, right!) follows. She's seduction personified and he's a potent man waiting for a landing strip. The fore-play is hot...really hot...and when she dances, oh my! True love (there's that phrase again) seems to have taken hold and as our lovebirds dive into each other, a natural progression begins...uh oh, so does a surreal progression. Watch closely...its all there, even though you will want to watch the vixen Luna. Chuck finds out Luna's existence is steeped in a desire to find that magical portal that brings them to the aforementioned realm which they will survive off their love. In the real world, this won't last. Complacency, weight gain, familiarity, and annoying habits will erode the intensity of this love. Chuck is deep...he doesn't want that...and now he has a gal who he can take through that portal.

Suffice it to say, this is a horror film. What follows Shangri La is something more sordid. Flashes of images and some cold doses of reality remind Chuck that the Nirvana he sought may not exist. Chuck is intense and he is determined to find it. The images get weirder...and more disturbed.
Every shot of Luna is one of seduction...but Chuck isn't seeing that seduction anymore. The flashes of images get more sordid and life in Chuck's apartment gets weird. From Romeo and Juliet to Eraserhead, this film seems to follow that progression. What seemed like a love story heading to ecstasy has us viewers in mortal fright as to what is about to happen.

"Mentally Apart" is a brilliant journey that commands more than one viewing. As the end credits approach, we realize that so many clues were left for us but we were so rapt in the love story, Luna's sensuality, and Chuck's intensity, that we missed them. Perhaps a warning that love is not enough...or maybe a more cryptic message about the dangers of this kind of love at first sight. Not the feel good film of 2019, but definitely a terrific horror/love story. The direction is masterful and Ms. Walker and Mr. Bernardo deliver intense performances that will pull you in and not let you go. See "Mentally Apart," and partake in a movie viewing experience that will put you through quite a work-out.
To view the trailer for "Mentally Apart" on YouTube click this: Mentally Apart Trailer

Tail Sting, Big Scorpions on a Plane

You gals will empathize with Courtney (Tara Price). The pretty karate girl seeks a guy who is mildly interesting and breathing. Unfortunately, on Oceanic Airlines Flight 1443, from Melbourne to LAX, she'll only meet losers, vampire/Goth wannabes, and monster bugs. Then there is sultry stewardess Patti (Jean Carol). She'll die horribly, so we won't mention her again. Oh yes, "Tail Sting" receives a rating of 2.3/10 on IMDB...elitist dweebs! This 2001 film, I think we can all agree, is better than any film released by the major studios in 2019.

Yep...in addition to the very pretty and perky Courtney, a team of scientists boards this flight to L.A. Yep again...they bring their experiment on board. Yep...the experiment gets loose and pretty soon there are a dozen monster scorpions ripping apart stewardesses. The buggers will go through the crew like crap through a goose, and then start on the passengers. The only surviving crew member is pilot Jack (Robert Merrill). He will be chased out of the cockpit by the queen bug. On the bright side, now that he is out of the cockpit he will fall in love with the blonde nubile scientist Jennifer (Laura Putney). As the film progresses they will make goo-goo eyes at each other and she will get increasingly less clothed.

Okay, Jennifer's ex-beau is also on the scientific team. He wants the scorpions alive as he is ready to sell them to some country as weapons. He has a gun so he calls the shots. As the passengers decrease in numbers and the demise of the pretty stewardess Patti ends coffee service, the chances of making it to L.A. seem dim. Now Jennifer and Jack share more tender moments and Jennifer turns into Ripley (you know, the chick from "Alien"). As Jack must maneuver the gun-toting ex-beau of Jennifer, and monster scorpions, he must also get back in the cockpit and maneuver the plane to L.A.

Courtney's Australian accent will win all you guys over, but so will the perky Jennifer as she sheds her garments. This is a fantastic big-bug-monster-movie with beefcake and cheesecake galore, though most of that cake will be eaten by insects. Will Oceanic Airlines Flight 1443 make it to L.A.? Will Jack and Jen survive and have pre-marital sex? Just how many garments will Jennifer shed? For some nifty bug fun on a flight that runs out of coffee, see "Tail Sting," directed by Paul Wynne.

Voices From Beyond, Maggot Infested Corpse Tells Tales

Nothing goes better than Lucio Fulci and maggot infested corpses...so sweet. So why not a story in which the maggot infested corpse is the protagonist that leads us through a maze of revenge and vengeance? Past his prime, and with his films losing their luster, the 1990s  aren't know as part of the Fulci-Era. Nonetheless, 1991's "Voices From Beyond" is an interesting and appropriately gory mystery with, I think, a neat ending.

Giorgio (Duilio Del Prete) dies. His demise is in a hospital bed as he violently coughs up blood. Uh oh...his ghost follows his corpse. He pleads with doctors, nurses, and coroners to find out how he died. His family is happy he's gone as they were all up to no good. His wife Lucia (Bettina Giovannini), who we see naked a lot, is having a lot of sex with their son Mario (Pascal Persiano). His mistress (Antonella Tinazzo), who we see naked a lot, was humiliated by him. His mom, Hilda (Frances Nacman, who mercifully we do not see naked, is just mean and cantankerous. No one can hear Giorgio's pleas from the other side until his beloved daughter Rosy (Karina Huff) arrives from college. We see Rosy naked a lot, having pre-marital sex or just for the heck of it.

Rosy hears her dad's pleas and begins investigating. Everyone has a motive. Uh oh again, Giorgio's time as a ghost is limited and he will be no more when his body finishes decomposing. Instead of a clock, we see this time elapse as Fulci keeps showing the corpse, with an ever increasing cadre of maggots, inside the coffin. As Rosy snoops she finds deviance and motives and has horrific visions which give her clues. As Giorgio's spirit cries out in increasing desperation, Rosy becomes more bold in her investigation.

If Giorgio finds out who killed him...what will he do then? Can Giorgio see Rosy nude from the other side of the grave? If so, we can understand why he chose his beloved daughter...wait...that's gross! Who did kill Giorgio...and how? This is a Lucio Fulci film so the gore is gratuitous...and this is an Italian horror film, thus the nudity is gratuitous. The plot will contain some icky deviance and you may need a shower after watching "Voices From Beyond."