Neon Maniacs, Ghouls Conquer San Francisco

Lailani Sarelle! Rivaling Phoebe Cates famous pool scene in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," this actress delivered some of the best swimsuit scenes of the 1980s.  Not in a sex comedy, however, but in a horror film.  What do two very sensuous swimsuit scenes have to do with a story concerning bloodthirsty cannibalistic ghouls?  Nothing, but they certainly did not hurt the plot. Today's feature is 1986's "Neon Maniacs."

Beautiful virgin Natalie (Sarelle) survives a massacre in which her non virgin high school pals are cut up by ghouls that drip neon green goop.  One unfortunate non-virgin is decapitated while giving oral sex to her non virgin boyfriend.  Like many of us, the ghouls don't like to leave any witness alive.  Unfortunately for the virgin Natalie, the cops don't believe her story.  The virgin Natalie then dons an alluring swimsuit and takes a sensual moonlight dip, as the ghouls begin pursuing her.  Enter Steve (Clyde Hayes), a nerdy classmate of the virgin Natalie, and an aspiring rock musician.  He believes her...or at least sees this as an opportunity to devirginize the virgin Natalie.  Also, enter Paula (Donna Locke).  Paula is a little kid who makes amateur horror films, and she wants to track down these ghouls and film them.

As our trio attempt to prove the existence of the ghouls, the fiends fight back.  In her investigation, Paula finds the lair of the neon maniacs. This brings Paula face to face with one of the maniacs. In the encounter, she finds a way to kill it.  Now armed with knowledge on how to fight the things, our team comes up with a scatter-brained plan to wipe them out.  They better hurry as the maniacs pursue them everywhere, even on buses and trains.  The last half hour will be total war in which limbs will go flying as the maniacs use crossbows, machine-guns, swords, knives, and axes.  The good-guys? You'll see their weapons and wonder if they have even a slight chance to emerge victorious.

Will a resurgence of "Neon Maniacs" enhance the sales of Leilani Sarelle posters? Will Steve's understandable pursuit to have pre-marital sex with the virgin Natalie put her in danger of being cut up by maniacs?  Lots of great looking teens will die horribly and you'll be cheering for our virgin heroine.  Enjoy this 1980s defense of abstinence and take away any lessons you choose from this horror flick.