Head of the Family, Dysfunctional Quadruplets

Demented and deviant quadruplets! Now there's a plot device. Hardly material for a reality show on TLC, but good stuff for a film on this blog. A Charles Band film, too! 1996's "Head of the Family" is our selection today. Gore, nudity, lunatics, and human experimentation converge to give us a story that will warm our hearts during the holiday season.

Our deviant quadruplets are as follows...Ernestina (Alexandria Quinn), the sultry and full figured babe...Otis (Bob Schott), with superhuman strength...Wheeler (James Jones), big eyes, and Myron (J.W. Pratt), the brains. Myron, incidentally, has a huge head (maybe five feet tall) and a miniscule body. Myron desires world domination and experiments on the brains of poor schmucks his siblings kidnap. He is also telepathically connected to his siblings. Enter a low-level criminal organization. Lance (Blake Adams) is having lots of gratuitous sex with Loretta (Jacqueline Lovell). Loretta's hubby leads the gang and Lance and Loretta look for an opportunity to off him. Then boom! Lance witnesses the quadruplets kidnap a poor schmuck and Lance decides to blackmail them.

Lance tells Myron he will keep his kidnappings quiet if Myron agrees to have his siblings murder Loretta's husband. This occurs (or kind of occurs), and Myron is upset to find out Lance also wants weekly hush money. Now the huge head waits for an opportunity to turn the situation around. With some seduction by Ernestina, and brute force by Otis, the very pretty and often nude Loretta is abducted along with Lance. Now Myron has the upper hand and his plans for Loretta are monstrous and Lance will be made to watch the demise of his lover. Lance will have to think fast and Loretta will use all her womanly charm and talent for seduction to escape her predicament. As Loretta, Lance, and Myron engage in a cerebral game of cat and mouse, one would imagine the big head guy would have the advantage.

Will Loretta's nudity and redneck seduction techniques earn her a reprieve from the awful fate Myron has in store for her? Will Lance figure out a way to save himself, or perhaps save Loretta too before Myron experiments on his brain? Will the quadruplets actually enact their plan for world domination, or will the test-subjects locked in the basement have something to say about that? Gritty reality rules the day in this film and if trailer park seduction is your thing, this movie will also send you to the showers. For some great Charles Band cinema, see "Head of the Family." 

Alien Lockdown, Lip-Gloss and Toothy Monsters

No one has ever worn lip-gloss better than Michelle Goh. This actress from Vancouver via Singapore smears it on with much allure as she fights a horde of slimy and toothy creatures in a mountain laboratory. Goh's character is perfect for fighting the creatures as she survived the Brisbane operation. What is the Brisbane operation? Not important in this film but surfeit to mention, Goh's portrayal has inspired the idea I have come up with for my next novel. So until I publish Ghosts of Brisbane, let us chat about the 2004 made for SciFi Channel film "Alien Lockdown" (aka "Creature").

Skipping the first ten minutes, let us begin at a secret laboratory hidden in the mountains. Dr. Woodman (John Savage) has gone rogue. Instead of creating a monster organism to replace human soldiers on the battlefield, he commandeered the experiment for more selfish reasons. His goal is to let it loose and wipe out mankind. Because our lip-gloss clad heroine survived the Brisbane operation she is sent with a team to take-out Woodman and his creature...and anyone else who happens to be there. Talon is our lip-gloss clad tactical commander and she looks great in a black tactical suit...and lip-gloss.

The team enters the facility and the war begins. The creature seeks to feed on all the soldiers and it will. Talon finds Charlie (James Marshall), Woodman's IT guy. Charlie is the only survivor and knows everything that Woodman plans. Meanwhile the thing goes through Talon's men like crap through a goose and then hundreds of mini-creatures emerge...bad news. Talon, still sporting some mean lip-gloss, tries to save her men while seeking to kill the monsters and Woodman. Uh oh...Talon and her lip-gloss find out she may have been sent on this mission because she is the only eyewitness from the Brisbane operation and her superiors find witnesses inconvenient. The lip-gloss beauty alters the goals of her strategy and an explosive and monstrous finale await.

Michelle Goh is ravishing in this and when she peels off the black tactical suit revealing a nice tight blue jump suit (still smacking her lip-gloss), we want to cheer. Will the slimy creatures ruin Talon's beautiful face and interfere with her application of more lip-gloss? Are there any more surprises or betrayal in store for Talon or her lip-gloss? Why aren't more action-heroines clad in exaggerated lip-gloss applications in today's new releases? Great creature f/x and lots of creatures enhance this made for SciFi Channel classic...so does Michelle Goh.  Do yourself a favor and eschew "Welcome to Marwen" in favor of the far superior "Alien Lockdown."

Three on a Meathook, Chop Up the Pretty Girls

Oooooh!!! What an ending! Classic to the max! When the very pretty an nubile cocktail waitress Sherry (Sherry Steiner), clad in a very tight sweater and tight white short-shorts, runs into....whoa! Oops...almost gave it away. Suffice it to say Sherry will be a damsel in so much distress, you will think Janet Leigh had it easy in the shower. The last seven minutes of 1972's "Three on a Meathook" ranks up there as one of the greatest endings of all time.

As the film begins we meet four very sultry women (Linda Thompson, Kiersten Laine, Carolyn Thompson, and Marsha Tarbis). As the first few minutes roll we see them in the throes of passionate pre-marital sex and some gratuitous skinny dipping. Skinny dippers don't fare well in these films, so when the babes break down on a lonely road, late at night, we know they are making a mistake accepting a ride from Billy (James Carroll Pickett). He seems nice enough, and he brings the damsels to his farm where he lives with his grouchy dad (Charles Kissinger). Pa is not happy and warns Billy to get rid of his new friends and reminds him what happened the last time he was in the company of babes.

The four beauties will die most horribly, presumably by Billy's machete, knife, and rifle. So sad. Pa is angry and cleans up the mess, apparently like he always does when Billy has one of these episodes. Billy goes into town, gets wasted in a bar, and wakes up nude with the nude Sherry...in her bed. The two fall in love. Billie then asks Sherry to his farm and she accepts...no!!! Yes, Sherry doesn't see criminal insanity even if it bites her on the...well, never mind. She brings her BFF Becky (Madelyn Buzzard) along, and she is a blonde beauty.  Uh oh...they will also spend the night. As Sherry and Billy fall in love, Pa pleads with his son to get rid of the two babes.  Uh oh...what happens next is sadly predictable, but then the ending...and you won't believe it.

Do Sherry and Becky have any chance of surviving? Is Billy really a homicidal maniac, or is there something else going on here?  Why are all the sexy babes meeting such lurid fates? You'll find out, and it is shocking. Directed by William Girdler, "Three on a Meathook" is some gratuitous drive-in, horror/exploitation that will deliver gore and shock.

House Call, Beware of Knocking

Mormons...Jehovah's Witnesses...those damn burglar alarm companies...the volunteer firefighters...Boy Scouts selling wrapping paper...and you can think of dozens more. They knock on our door, uninvited, and ask to be let in. Then they want money. Many of us won't open the door, and some of us fantasize about what we'd like to do to these buggers. Open the door brandishing a shotgun...or maybe, just maybe, have something in our basement lab waiting for them. Hence a 12 minute horror short by Joseph Sorrentino (writer) and Daniel Brown (director), "House Call."

Forget about "NO SOLICITING" signs. They don't work and everyone knows it. George (Kerwin Gonzalez) knows this and his job requires him to knock on doors and sell homeowners on methods to make their homes more energy efficient. George has never read this blog, because if he did he would know that one-third of the human race is totally insane. Enter a homeowner (Barry Tangert)...he'll invite George in to hear his spiel. Uh oh, our mysterious homeowner isn't interested in ways to make his house more energy efficient.

What happens next? Hah! Total horror! You'll divert your eyes and pray that the aforementioned filmmakers won't show everything...they will. At this point we need to give credit to the special make-up f/x dame, Lisa Sorrentino. George Romero had Tom Savini, and Daniel Brown has Mrs. Sorrentino. As the plot quickly spirals into extreme horror, we are treated to some classic one-liners. For example, when George calls the homeowner insane, the response is, "My dear departed parents called me insane once...just once...then I put them in canning jars." Poetry!

This 12 minute film that will have you covering your eyes will also have you laughing as some witty and comical dialog is extolled, especially by our antagonist. If you intend to allow your children to knock on doors collecting for their travel baseball team...well...do them a favor and watch "House Call" first. Shocking and extreme will fill the screen for 12 minutes, so if you are into subtlety and symbolism...well, watch this film anyway, its a goody.

Comedown, Psycho in a High-rise

I know...we all have them. We all have the 'playing cat and mouse with a psycho while wasted' story. From London, we have a nice one of these set in a condemned high-rise. The protagonists, are hardly sympathetic characters...but we'll pull for them as they meet a foe which will hunt them down and inflict torture and disembowelment. As London, a once great city, continues its fall into an abyss of ruination, we have characters that symbolize its ever increasing hopeless youth population in 2012's "Comedown."

Gang-bangers, led by recent ex-con Lloyd (Jacob Anderson) have a chance at a big money score. We gather Lloyd desires going straight and eschews drugs and violence...this won't last. His very cute GF, Jemma (Sophie Stuckey), is pregnant with his child. The two will be joined with their gang cohorts in breaking into a condemned high-rise where they used to live and install an antenna for a pirate radio station on one of the top floors.  Breaking in is easy and to celebrate, they all get wasted on pills and beer. Uh oh...some rival gang members are also in there. Double uh oh...someone still resides there. The abandoned derelict building is spooky and our wasted protagonists miss a lot of clues...like bloody hand-prints and carnage inside the security guard's shack...all poignant clues.

Okay...our psycho begins asserting his property rights. One by one he goes after the gang-bangers. The deaths will be tortuous and gory. Nail guns, surgical tools, and hunting knives will be only a few of the murder weapons. He also abducts Jemma. He puts Jemma in a cage and torments her and makes her witness the dissection of some of the victims. Now Lloyd and his gangsters begin a mad search for the pregnant damsel, but our psycho has the advantage. As eyes are shot out, internal organs are pulled out, and unfortunates are engulfed in flames, Lloyd and some survivors get close to the monster's lair and the discovery of who this guy actually is.

Will Lloyd rescue Jemma and her unborn baby? Will any of the other gangsters survive? Is this film an accurate metaphor for the hopelessness and bleakness of the existence of today's London youth? Plenty of gore, some neat kills, and a shocking ending are all thrown at you in this Menhaj Huda film, "Comedown."

Teenage Zombies, Can Teens Save America?

Toward the end of the Eisenhower Administration, the dreaded East (Soviet Union I guess...maybe China, too) continued their efforts to conquer America. 1959's "Teenage Zombies" is the best film that documents this effort. As a paranoid U.S. Government bumbles its way to thwart the East's efforts, some great looking teens will be asked to step up and serve. Directed by Jerry Warren, this B flick is required viewing for all U.S. counterintelligence agents. (Okay...maybe not)

Four great looking teens, Regg (Don Sullivan), Skip (Paul Pepper), Julie (Mitzi Albertson), and Pam (Brianne Murphy) stumble upon an uncharted island while on their way to water-ski. As they investigate, they spy slavish zombie-like people. Soon, a mad-scientist, Dr. Myra (Katherine Victor), will take them prisoner. The sultry Dr. Myra hangs around her compound in revealing evening gowns and works for the dreaded East. Her plan...create an airborne substance that will turn all Americans into slavish zombies, controlled by...well...I guess the Soviets...or Chi-Coms.

As agents for the East arrive, Dr. Myra is asked to speed up her experiments. Meanwhile, two friends of the captured teens, Dottie (Nan Green) and Morrie (Jay Hawk) desperately try to get the corrupt sheriff to look for their friends. Back on the island, the boys get out of their cage and waste the opportunity by doing nothing. Both Regg and Skip prove that chivalry has died and abandon Pam and Julie. Uh oh...Dr. Myra is ready to proceed and starts her plan to experiment on Pam and Julie. If the experiment works in turning Pam and Julie into slavish-zombies, the East will then be ready to drop the gas on the entire country.

Will Skip and Regg man-up and return to rescue their girl-friends? Will Dr. Myra, clad in a sleek evening gown, engage in a cat-fight with one of her test subjects? Are millions of zombie-like Americans really a burden the Soviets want to take on? This film is lots of fun and...spoiler alert...yes Dr. Myra will engage in a most entertaining cat-fight that will see her stylish gown ruined...yes! For some fun that the whole family can watch (no gore or nudity), see "Teenage Zombies."

Lurking Fear, Graveyard Monsters and Mud Wrestling Babes

H.P. Lovecraft! Enough said. How about Jeffrey Combs? Yep, I got your attention. Didn't Thomas Wolfe write something to the regard of, 'you can't go home again'? Our anti-hero should've paid attention to that maxim, as returning to one's hometown to rob a graveyard...well...what could go wrong? Today we take a gander at 1994's "Lurking Fear."

An isolated Massachusetts town has a problem. Creatures living under the cemetery feed on townspeople and especially like to rip unborn babies out of wombs as hors' d oeuvres. Enter the beautiful but heavily armed Cathryn (Ashley Laurence). Unable to protect her sister and nephew from the beasts, she has sworn vengeance on the vermin. Now she has teamed up with the town doctor, Haggis (Combs), to protect a pregnant woman and kill the things. They are holed up in a church at the cemetery and intend to blow it sky high at nightfall.  Not so fast, ex-con John (Blake Adams) has arrived at the graveyard looking for stolen loot buried by his dad. But wait! There's more! Bennett (Jon Finch) arrives with his gang which includes the sultry, often leather clad, Marlowe (Allison Mackie). They are on to the stolen loot and arrive to dig it up. The teams won't get along I'm afraid, and Marlowe and Cathryn will endure a series of cat-fights.

As Bennett's team disarms Cathryn's bombs and hold everyone at gunpoint, the creatures prepare to attack. John teams up with Cathryn and Haggis as Bennett has them all at gunpoint. The tactically minded Cathryn and John will put up a great fight and Bennett won't be in control long. No matter, the real boss is the monster leader who will unleash a creature attack on the humans above ground. Oh yes, the cat-fighting Marlowe and Cathryn will have an epic one in the mud beside the grave of Cathryn's sister. Uh oh...the mysterious John might have an ungodly connection with the creatures. As nightfall rapidly arrives, a war will break out which will pit three teams against one another.

Who will prevail in the mud wrestling cat-fight between Marlowe and Cathryn? Will the creatures finish them all off before the end of round one? Just who is the mysterious John, and can Cathryn trust him? This is a good one from Charles Band and the creatures are hideous. For some great H.P. Lovecraft fun, enjoy "Lurking Fear."