Bride of the Werewolf, The Mummy as the Best Man

The Werewolf! The Mummy! Dr. Frankenstein! Throw those fellows into the mix at a wedding and I may actually want to go to that wedding. Maybe. The Polonia Bros. Entertainment graces us with yet another fun and gory horror film. Directed by Mark Polonia, 2019's "Bride of the Werewolf" is our feature today. You can be certain this is a far superior film than the Sting/Jennifer Beals film, "The Bride." 

Dr. Stein (Tony Brown) is conducting his experiments at an Eastern European castle. Like many of us in our basement or attic labs, the mad-scientist is looking for the secrets of immortality. He believes the mummy he has in his possession will help him in this. Meanwhile three hunters are shredded by a werewolf (James Carolus) in nearby woods. On cue, Stein's beautiful niece, Sylvia (Mel Heflin), and her sultry pal Joan (Anna Tomic) come for a visit. The two gals want pre-marital sex with men so go into town to find it...they are not successful. They are warned not to go out at night as the woods are cursed. On their way back three thugs try to carjack and rape them. A mysterious savior and his crossbow saves them. They find refuge in the house of Saul (Jade Michael LaFont).

The gals are charmed by Saul. He has a housemate, the disfigured Miranda the Witch (Natalie Himmelberger). Soon the gals will find out Saul is a werewolf. When the thugs come back looking to rape the gals, Saul turns into a werewolf. The ensuing battle will be bloody and heartbreaking. Now Sylvia is really turned on. Like American men, I guess the pickings in eastern Europe are pretty neutered. The two will fall in love. Now Sylvia brings Saul to meet her uncle. She is confident he can cure his lycanthropy. Stein is ecstatic and confident he can help...and re-animate the mummy in his lab. How are they related? Just go with it. This film also has some brief but nice performances from old pal Jeff Kirkendall and Jamie Morgan.

Is the werewolf a metaphor for eastern Europe's desire to make their men men again? Will Joan and Sylvia engage in a cat-fight for the werewolf's attentions? Does the mummy really need a smooth segue into the plot to be a worthwhile plot device? This one is a lot of fun, just as any Polonia Brothers film is. For a good time and some nice gore, see "Bride of the Werewolf."

 

Sex Terrorists on Wheels, MotorPsycho Maniacs

A sultry undercover Texas Ranger clad only in a sombrero, a shawl, and cowboy boots! Yes! She'll be a nubile damsel in much distress endangered by everyone she meets in the Texan wilderness.  Rape, bondage, and pursued as prey will try her.  Today we look at Stefan Ruf's "Sex Terrorists on Wheels" (on TubiTV as "MotorPsycho Maniacs"), from 2019.  Gratuitous to the max with heavy gore and an elongated lesbian skinny-dipping scene, our feature today will fulfill your prurient needs...at least for a day or two.

Enyo (Larissa Day) is a veteran of the clusterf**k in Syria.  She killed people there...a modern day Vietnam.  Now she is an undercover Texas Ranger pursuing a biker gang called the Sex Terrorists.  Lobo (Justin Henry) leads the gang of cannibalistic deviants.  His main gal, Jezebel (Jecca Bitner), desires Lobo to love only her.  The gang scalps and rapes everyone they meet.  Liver Eater Jack (Gregory Kelly) rips out their victim's liver and makes jerky out of it.  Uh oh...The Sex Terrorists get the drop on Enyo and two more Texas Rangers.  All the Rangers will be raped.  Enyo escapes but her two compadres will be cut up, scalped, and eaten.

Now Enyo leads her tormentors on a chase up Devil's Mountain.  Befriending her is Ezra (Gary Kent).  He's a blind marksman living with nature.  Ezra was a killer soldier during Vietnam and now talks to animals.  The two are waiting for the Sex Terrorists.  As Jezebel has some gratuitous skinny-dipping lesbian sex, Lobo and Liver Eater rape a pair of campers.  A final confrontation is inevitable.  Enyo may seem cool, but Jezebel wants her...and so does Lobo...but for what?

Will Enyo's bitter experiences in Syria help convince Biden to stop bombing them?  Will Lobo and Jezebel square off to see which one gets to claim Enyo as their pet?  Will the often nude Enyo use seduction and her sombrero to lure the pursuing Sex Terrorists?  This is a gratuitous one that pays homage to the old spaghetti westerns.  For some gratuitous (there's that word again) nudity, gore, and cannibalism, see "Sex Terrorists on Wheels."

Quadrant 9EV9, Mutants Attack Babes and Hunks

This one is not going to get a lot of love. However, 2016's "Quadrant 9EV9" has some strong points...a great looking cast. Sure some will die horribly, but not before a nice bikini scene and some mutant carnage. All right...I understand. You might be pulling for the mutants in this one, still...we are in suspense to find out if the mutants will abduct Lexi (Dominique Storelli), and if they do...what will they do with her. Directed by David Maga, "Quadrant 9EV9" is a far superior film than any of the idiotic DC or Marvel garbage.

Back in 1972 the U.S. military did human experimentation in order to make a perfect killing machine soldier. These experiments did not go well as they created monsters. The program was shut down and 45 years later, those experiments survive in an underground bunker. This won't be good for the very ravishing Lexi. The pretty blonde goes on an astronomy trip with hunk Mike (Michael Huntsman), his grouchy gal, Samantha (Jennifer Churchich), a nerd, Derrick (Daniel Will George), and a jock, Jason (Jered Leedy). Everyone ogles Lexi who loves to show off her stuff. This makes Samantha mad...and grouchy. They set up a campsite. Derrick, Samantha, and Jason go looking for something and find the underground bunker.

As Lexi and Mike bond at the campsite, the other three break into the bunker...and it is not deserted. Jason accidentally kills some scientist and then accidentally cuts off power. They also see some cells with monster mutants inside. They run but do not realize the mutants are set loose. Now, after a nice Lexi and Samantha in a bikini scene, the attacks begin. A bunch of mutants beset the campers. Lexi and Mike will continue to get close as Samantha continues sneering and huffing. We get a nice backstory as to who these mutants were before becoming mutants. Overcome with rage, and freed after decades, the beautiful and handsome will be hunted by these things. Lexi will find an axe, Mike some dynamite...but they're not fighters.

Will the mutants be as attracted to the sultry Lexi as the humans are? Will Samantha cooperate with the mutants if it means the mutants will rip Lexi's...well, never mind. Just how many of these underground bunkers dot the American landscape with mutant soldiers just itching to bust out and find bikini blondes? Better than anything George Clooney has ever done, and with an alluring performance by Dominique Storelli, "Quadrant 9EV9" is a good take for a Friday movie night.   

The Row, Randy Couture, Bikini Babes, and a Slasher

MMA fighter Randy Couture and UFC champion graces our blog today.  With a face hardened by several fist fights, his charm is balanced by the arrogance and pheromones of a sultry sorority.  In fact, his grunts are way outnumbered by sorority chicks clad in bikinis, lingerie, or nothing.  The sorority chicks will flirt, drink heavily, do drugs, die naked in the shower, have their limbs severed, or be gutted by a collegiate slasher.  I dare you to tell me 2018's "The Row" (directed by Matty Beckerman) doesn't sound perfect.

During a bust gone wrong, Detective Cole (Couture) shoots his partner.  He gets suspended.  The widowed cop now gets to move his hot daughter, Riley (Lala Kent) into her college dorm.  He'll hit the bottle and she'll be recruited by the hottest sorority in the history of mankind, Phi Lambda.  During hazing, all the nubile pledges are abducted by the sisters, stripped to their Victoria's Secret undies, hosed down, and humiliated during a sleazy game of hide and seek. Oh yes, sorority sister Isabell (Sarah McDaniel) is gutted.  Riley discovers the body as she hides under her bed.  The cops, and her dad are summoned.  Undeterred, Riley joins the sorority. Uh oh...a family secret!  Riley's mom, who committed suicide many years ago was also a member of this sorority.

No one wants to talk about her mom, so Riley tries to find out about her.  Her dad, Cole, won't tell her anything and either will sultry house mother Nina (Jennifer Titus).  Another murder...Laura (Katelyn McMullen) is gutted.  Get this!  Laura's legs were taken by the killer and Isabell's arms were taken.  Cole realizes the slasher is putting together a doll from human parts.  There is a suspect!  After another murder or two and some gratuitous shower action, Carter (Dylan Sprayberry) is arrested.  He had pre-marital sex with each of the victims just before their demises.  Cole believes this is too easy...and he's right.  Now Riley is in the crosshairs of the slasher.

Just what is the secret of Riley's mom and why did she commit suicide when Riley was a small child? Will the hard hitting UFC champ be able to protect his daughter and find the real killer?  Is it really a great tragedy to see oversexed sorority sisters die horribly in states of undress?  This is a gratuitous one with a lot of gratuitous bikini, shower, lingerie nudity, gore, and pre-marital sex action.  For a film experience that will satisfy your prurient instincts see "The Row." 

The Stylist, Shorten the Bangs and Remove the Scalp

Having our hair cut or styled is a very accepted form of vanity in today's society. We must look good.  Society demands it! However, think of this...would you allow your plumber to put bladed weapons up to your neck? Would you allow the exterminator or the Amazon delivery guy to hold a knife or scissors to your jugular? What exactly do you know about the dame that styles your hair? Would you still go to her if you knew she was a total homicidal nut-job, just because she does a fine job with hair? Today we look at 2020's "The Stylist," directed by Jill Gevargizian.

She does do a good job. Hair stylist Claire (Najarra Townsend). She is good looking and listens well...too well for your own good, in fact. Sarah (Jennifer Seward) will be her first victim as the movie begins...though many preceded her. Sarah tells Claire all she needs to know about her. A little poison, some scissors...and off comes Sarah's scalp. Now Sarah's head of hair is a macabre wig for Claire's vanity. In Claire's defense...she merely wants to fit in. More victims will fall. Sadly, many of them will be ladies we like and sympathize with. Claire is a homicidal lunatic. She may have delusion issues. She seems to believe that adopting the hair and scalp of those she murders, that their social graces may also seep into her head.  Go figure...this doesn't work.

Here comes our damsel, who will soon be endangered. Olivia (Brea Grant) needs Claire to do her hair for her wedding this weekend. Uh oh...in Olivia, Claire sees someone she would like to be. Claire begins stalking her in secret. The nut-job stylist begins socializing with Olivia. Unfortunately the success of this move is short term. As Claire murders some more pretty women and takes their scalps, she gets mor unwound. Now Claire has a plan and it is obvious Olivia will be part of it. We gasp and hold our breath as it is apparent that Olivia has no clue to Claire's insanity...even though she should.

What is Claire's grand strategy for Olivia and her wedding? Can we forgive a pretty hair stylist's homicidal tendencies if that stylist does a great job and only charges $65? This is a gory one which will have you shielding your eyes a few times. The killings are, at times, heartbreaking. Before you get highlights in your hair or add curls...see "The Stylist." 

The Mourning, Aliens and Letting Go

The living have it easy.  The dead go on to Heaven or...well, never mind.  Loved ones depart this mortal coil and we are left to deal with guilt, lost love, missed opportunities, and words never said.  This is worse when the recently deceased wasn't supposed to go yet.  A young one with a future still ahead of him and early stages of love still to grow and shape.  If only we had a chance at a last conversation.  If only we could have told him (fill in the blank).  Nonsense, of course, they aren't coming back...but what if they do?  Today we look at 2015's "The Mourning," directed by Marc Clebanoff.  

The war! Seemed to make sense at the time. Now, not so much.  As the grayness that history delivers us envelopes our perspective, so does our guilt of those lost in conflict.  Aaron (Michael Rene Walton) is one such casualty.  Killed in Desert Storm. He left a beautiful girlfriend and loving family.  In a haunting and unnerving opening...he comes back. Naked and disorientated he finds himself in the woods next to his hometown. 

 In a fog he goes home...but guess what...its not his home anymore. David (Louis Mandylor), the sheriff is summoned.  Uh oh...David is Aaron's brother-in-law.  Now the eeriness ramps up.  David was in Desert Storm.  He was also there when Aaron was killed in combat. Shock and awe! David makes a decision based on his desire to bring back lost opportunity and assuage guilt, at the expense of solid law enforcement investigation.

That's fine.  The investigators arrive.  A mysterious blonde black-suit (Dominique Swain).  She obviously knows a lot more and David seems alarmed at her knowledge.  Maybe David does know more...but the facts are what he fears.  Aaron is a hit!  Still not talking his family and friends are shocked.  Andrea (Kinga Phillips), David's wife and Aaron's sister is superb and stunning as a grieving sister viciously pulled out of her lifetime of mourning.  Ripped into an unreal act of a macabre stage drama, no one knows what to say or how to act.  Aaron appears to be an otherworldly mirror in which David, Kinga, and so many more can examine the genuineness of their love and human motives.  Hence guilt and sorrow creep into our characters lives.  A chance at redemption?  A chance to say good-bye in a proper manner?  Wait...good-bye? Why not hello, after all Aaron has returned?  A dark pall is moving in and it is apparent Aaron's return may be short-lived.

Kudos to Brooke Lewis Bellas.  Her role as a frisky bar hopper helps propel this sentimental and syrupy science fiction drama into a conclusion that will deliver desperation and transformation for David, Andrea, and their loved ones.  Where has David been for the past couple of decades?  Who or what brought him back...and why?  Are forever hidden secrets a bigger threat to us than alien invasion?  Oh...that last question...well, you'll see.  The mourning we endure after the loss of a loved one is never a perfect endeavor.  Still, it is needed and natural.  Throw in aliens and men (or women) in black and enjoy "The Mourning." 

The Black Waters of Echo's Pond, Truth or Dare Carnage

Do yourself a favor...next time you get called upon in the game Truth or Dare...just lie. Tell your friends that you killed a man while you were tripping out on acid. Throw in that you killed him because your dog told you he was the anti-Christ. You're buddies will be satisfied and leave you alone. But no! Blokes feel compelled to tell the truth. What usually follows is...well, what follows is what happens in 2009's "The Black Waters of Echo's Pond," directed by Gabriel Bologna. Incidentally, do non-attractive people ever play Truth or Dare? 

Nine great looking friends find an isolated Maine island for a romantic and sex-filled getaway. The creepy caretaker, Pete (Robert Patrick) menaces them the whole time with a shotgun and beartraps. Some of the friends include Veronique (Mircea Monroe), a bimbo B movie actress and her boob-job, and Kathy (Danielle Harris). When the lights go out, the friends find an ancient game that was buried in Turkey...don't ask. They begin to play and it is a demonically controlled Truth or Dare thing. The friends start telling their sordid secrets and confess lusts for one another. One such dare has Kathy and Veronique engaging in lesbian sex. Another has some sultry twins (Electra and Elise Avellan) having a foursome with their two boyfriends.

Uh oh...secrets revealed lead to bloody homicide. Rick (James Duval) is now a target for everyone as he has seemed to tick everyone off in his life. Kathy's husband Trent (Walker Howard) will use pliers on teeth and a chainsaw to rip apart his brother. A spear gun, knives, and beartraps will cause much havoc. The sultry twins will have a nice skinny-dipping scene and then try to rip off Veronique's implants. Each murder will be gorier than the previous as no babe or hunk is immune from the curse of this ancient artifact. Lust, greed, bloody secrets, and jealousy will be used by the demonic entity to taunt the hunks and babes, but will anyone be able to fight off the spell?

Will the sultry twins succeed in ripping off Veronique's implants and other organs they covet? Will everyone's villain Rick suddenly become a hero and save at least some of his pals? Is this plot merely a metaphor of what happens when drunk twenty-somethings play Candyland and Sorry with weed and Jack Daniels present? This is a bloody one and the cast provides great cheesecake and beefcake. For a great idea for a game night, watch "The Black Waters of Echo's Pond."