Crocodile, Tobe Hooper's Magnum Opus

It is no secret that my favorite movie of all time is Crocodile 2: Death Swamp . This 2002 horror epic followed a lesser known film, 2000's "Crocodile," directed by Tobe Hooper. Like 'Crocodile 2' the "Crocodile" has everything a great monster film should have...gore...beefcake and cheesecake...great kills...a neat creature...and an epic ending. Fans of the Syfy channel may have seen these two films, but if you haven't...do so!

Some great looking hunks and babes are spending Spring Break in a houseboat on a lake. Marijuana, adult beverages, Rock & Roll, and pre-marital sex will rule the day. Claire (Caitlin Martin), who is clad in a bikini for much of the film, joins her hunk BF Brady (Mark McLachlan). The two will suck face and have the aforementioned pre-marital sex. Uh oh...a former one-night stand of Brady's also joins the party, Sunny (Sommer Knight). Sunny likes having guys do body shots off her bikini clad torso. The crocodile attacks! A 50 foot one that may be an Egyptian deity (don't ask). It eats the drunkest of the kids (Greg Wayne) and sets the houseboat adrift.

The gals, still clad in bikinis bicker and behave like girls. They'll look great as the monster chews them up. The guys will look great w/o shirts on, and will also look great as the thing crunches on them. Now the surviving hunks and babes are on the run. Sunny, who is still trying to seduce Brady, and who set off earlier for skinny-dipping, is amazingly still alive. Claire isn't speaking to Brady anymore as she is mad he also had pre-marital sex with the skank...and the skank looks better in a bikini than her. They run fast, even the sultry Annabelle (Julie Mintz), who had been the only one behaving kinda like an adult starts acting childish...spoiler alert...she'll get it while using the restroom...heartbreaking! Uh oh...there might be a reason, other than nutritional needs, the monster is chasing the hunks and babes.

Will any of the hunks and babes survive? Does the skinny-dipping skank actually have a chance at surviving until the end credits? Is the giant crocodile a mere metaphor for the bleak future that awaits our under prepared and immature college graduates? This is a fun one and the scenes where the creature eats cast members are gratuitous. For some great looking beefcake and cheesecake, some nice gore, and a heartwarming story of when passions collide...see Tobe Hooper's "Crocodile."

Shark Killer, A Real Man vs. Man-eater

You gotta like the protagonist in this thriller. He's Chase Walker! Who is Chase Walker and what does he do? He is a shark hunter...not an auditor or a non-essential government employee. He is a womanizer, not some metro-sexual who shows his vulnerability. His gig is that he shows up at beaches, and when a bikini babe is about to be eaten by a shark...he dives in, kills the shark, and has wild pre-marital sex with the bikini babe. Okay, I know, we all have those summers in our youth when we did that exact same thing, but it is nice to see it in the movies.

Chase (Derek Theler), hunk-extraordinaire, dives into the Hawaiian surf to save bikini clad Cindy (Ashleigh van der Hoven). He saves and the two have pre-marital sex. Jasmine (Erica Cerra), a beautiful lawyer, interrupts and whisks him to Capetown. Chase is hired by crime-lord Jake (Paul du Toit). Jake desires immediate pre-marital sex with Jasmine, but she will have none of that nonsense...yet. Jake hires Chase to retrieve the world's largest diamond. One of Jake's men was holding it when a great white shark ate him. Jake needs to find the shark and retrieve the diamond.

Uh oh, Nix (Arnold Vosloo), an even meaner crime-lord wants the diamond and lets Chase know he will kill him if he doesn't bring him the diamond. Chase, being the man's man that he is, pursues Jasmine and works on getting her into bed. Guess what...Jasmine starts liking him, probably realizing he is a real man, not like those wimpish milquetoast weirdos who try to pass themselves off as men. Chase better hurry as Nix abducts Jasmine, strips her, hoses her down and fits her with a sleek black cocktail dress. If Chase won't bring him the diamond, he will carve her up. Oh yeah...the shark? The beast is eating swimmers and boaters. As Nix uses recently murdered boaters as bait, Chase sets out to save Jasmine, retrieve the diamond, and kill Nix.

The ending is spectacular. Just when you think this is more of a crime thriller than killer shark tale...the beast attacks. Will Chase get to have pre-marital sex with Jasmine? How likely is it that the monster shark will give up its swollen gem?  What does Chase have planned for Nix? No spoilers here but Nix' fate is so fantastic...you'll see. Directed by Sheldon Wilson, "Shark Killer" is a terrific story of a real man pursuing basic carnal sex with sultry women...and killing sharks on the way. 

4Got10, Dolph Lundgren...Danny Trejo...Natassia Malthe

Dolph Lundgren! Danny Trejo! Natassia Malthe!  Do you really need to hear anymore? If you do, how about a lot of bloodied corpses, an elongated gunfight, some steamy sex, and more gunfights? This one is kind of like a light Coen brothers film. Interestingly enough this film came out about five years after Harvey Weinstein raped Natassia Malthe in her hotel room, and there is a scene in this film in which Ms. Malthe's character is...well...you'll see. From 2015 "4Got10" directed by Timothy Woodward, Jr.

Brian (Johnny Messner) wakes up with amnesia at the aftermath of a bloody gunfight. Corpses litter the dessert and Brian is the only one with a heartbeat. $3 million in drug cartel cash is also there. The cash? Yep belongs to a ruthless cartel guy, Perez (Trejo). The sheriff (Michael Pare) shows up and finds the cash. He and Brian meet and Brian shoots his ear off and absconds with the cash. Uh oh, Perez' son is killed in the gunfight and Perez is after more blood and the cash. As the amnesiac Brian, wounded and confused, flees with the cash, the sheriff, Perez, and a mean DEA agent, Rooker (Lundgren) pursue him.

Brian crashes his van at a house that just so happens to belong to Perez' lawyer...and his hot wife, Christine (Malthe). Brian has no idea who he is, but Christine does. Christine's husband constantly forces her to perform deviant sex and Christine is happy that Brian tied him up. She will then willingly have deviant sex with Brian and she obviously knows him well. Harvey Weinstein eat your heart out. Uh oh...Perez, and the sheriff are on their way. As Christine satisfies Brian, she herself plots to abscond with the cash. As for Christine's abusive hubby...well, in a figurative way she divorces him. As the conclusion rapidly approaches, lots more will be murdered, and a twisted revelation awaits.

Natassia Malthe turns in an incredibly steamy performance rivaling her performance in "BloodRayne: The Third Reich."  Everyone in the cast looks like they could pull out a pistol and blow a dozen schmucks away at any second. Will Brian get away with the cartel cash? Will Dolph Lundgren and Danny Trejo have a knock down drag out melee? Is Natassia Malthe's performance her way of telling Harvey Weinstein, "Screw you, you piece of s#@t!"?  A fun film, no doubt. Fans of the Coen brothers will see some of the twists coming. For a vicious good time with a very erotic Natassia Malthe performance, see "4Got10."

Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula, Vampire Does Outlaws

As the Great Depression drove many desperate Americans into lives of violent crime, the supernatural also took a foothold on the heartland. Dillinger, Capone, Pretty Boy Floyd, and of course Bonnie and Clyde perpetuated much carnage with bullets, but the toothy menaces also found fertile ground. In a gritty, realistic horror film, we will see what happens when these two scourges on the American landscape mesh. Hence 2008's "Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula."

Bonnie and Clyde (Tiffany Shepis and Trent Haaga) rip through rural America spraying Tommy-gun carnage along the way. Pursued by the law the duo hole up in the outskirts of a farm community. Meanwhile, in a mysterious house nearby, the mad-scientist Dr. Loveless (Allen Lowman) conducts experiments to restore his body back to normal after being horribly disfigured. His beautiful half-wit sister Annabel (Jennifer Friend) is forced to act as his assistant. She is imprisoned by Lawless and detained by an electronic collar that mandates her loyalty. Oh yes...the experiment! Lawless has recovered Dracula's remains and has succeeded in restoring the bloodsucker to life (or whatever you call it).

Now Dracula wants blood...female blood. As Bonnie and Clyde attempt to rob some moonshiners a vicious gunfight erupts and their buddy is hit. Bonnie learns a doctor lives in a nearby house and she goes to fetch him...not knowing the doctor is a mad-scientist and his guest, Dracula, awaits for her blood.  Bonnie sets her sights on the house and Annabel plots a daring escape from her brother and the vampire. As Dracula bites his way through a weird dinner party thrown in his honor, Annabel will have to dodge corpses and the undead to escape and Bonnie is set to walk into an ambush...of her jugular vein.

Quirky and weird, this film may seem an awkward attempt to weave a few different plots together. Stay with it, however, as Annabel will connect the dots with her weirdness and innocence. As off-beat as this film is, the ending is incredibly eerie and unsettling. As Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty rightly assume their places in the forgotten actors of yesteryear category, Tiffany Shepis and Trent Haaga do a fine job as the homicidal pair. Directed by Timothy Friend, "Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula" is a weird and horrific jaunt through the depression era heartland.

Alligator X, Damsels in the Swamp

There is beauty in the swamp if you look in the right places. In 2014's "Alligator X" (aka "Xtinction: Predator X") the beauty isn't hard to find. A sultry brunette wearing a push up bra, a very tight skirt and very high heels tromps through the bayou in much peril. Even better, a hot blonde...Mandy (Lacey Minchew). This isn't the gal Barry Manilow sung about...no way. This feisty vixen will be pummeled by white swamp trash, sexually assaulted repeatedly by those fiends, chased by a monster, sexually assaulted and pummeled some more...and through it all...she blows up things...lots of things. You will have to watch the entire film to see if she blows up Alligator X.

A mad scientist, Charles (Mark Sheppard) enters the Louisiana swamp with his new creation. He has cloned some prehistoric dinosaur and seeks to breed it. He and his white trash henchmen kidnap schmucks and feed it to the thing. The sultry brunette, Laura (Elena Lyons) returns to the swamp from New Orleans when she finds out her dad is missing. She is also Charles'  ex. The tight-skirted clad babe immediately starts making goo-goo eyes at  Sheriff Tim (Lochlyn Munro)...yep, the two fall in love. Sheriff Tim will prove quite useless in this film so we will not mention him again.
Taking over her pop's business, Laura takes Mandy and her fiance on a swamp tour. They'll all be abducted. The fiance will be fed to the monster and the swamp trash will have their way with Mandy. Charles arrives and tries to force Laura to sell him pop's land...perfect breeding ground for the monster.

As Mandy continues to get beat-up and assaulted, she gets mad. Uh oh for Charles and the bayou white trash...the gals escape. Now the two beauties are trudging through the bayou with a mad scientist, swamp trash, and a monster chasing them. Laura may have spunk but Mandy has a penchant for fire, bombs, and arson...you'll fall in love with this vixen.

Will Mandy blow up Alligator X before she is impregnated by the swamp trash? Will Laura's very sexy wardrobe win her any points with a monster that wants to eat her? Will the fact that the swamp boys want to rape Mandy and not Laura cause strife between these two beauties? Finding beauty in the swamp was very easy in "Alligator X" (directed by Amir Valinia). Let us hope someday Mandy becomes the subject of a graphic novel series...or made for Syfy TV show.

Gila!, Fast Cars, Monster, and a Great Cat-Fight

Decades passed and we all clamored for a remake of "The Giant Gila Monster." Finally...we have it. Hey, by the way...remember how great Kelli Maroney looked as a Uzi-wielding cheerleader in "Night of the Comet"? Well, she'll look fantastic here with a six-shooter holstered to her hip. Women...er babes with guns, big monsters, fast cars and some hunks will carry 2012's "Gila!" Oh yes, this was directed by Jim Wynorski.

Don (Brian Patrick McCulley) and his sultry date Betty (Adrienne Atkins) are attacked by a giant Gila monster. Simultaneously, cute hunk Chase (Brian Gross) races his hot-rod as his sultry GF Lisa (Madeline Voges) watches with pride. Uh oh...and old rival, Waco Bob (Jesse Janzen) and his trouble-making GF Carla (Christina DeRosa) arrive. Carla and Lisa give each other the once-over with a promise for a great cat-fight. Chase and Waco Bob obviously have a score to settle. Meanwhile our giant creature friend eats cattle and farmers as Sheriff Parker (Terence Knox) and Deputy Wilma (Maroney) investigate.

After a mysterious auto wreck Chase sees the beast and teams up with the sheriff to save the town before the thing eats it. This won't be easy as Waco Bob decides to try to murder Chase and Carla will do her best to steal Chase from Lisa. Lisa won't take this affront lying down and attacks Carla...yes!!! Machine guns and nitroglycerin will be used and explosions and gunfights will dot our plot. As Lisa and Carla exude gratuity, a very sad fate will await Deputy Wilma. Don't be fooled...in addition to the gritty realism of "Gila!", a sickeningly sweet and sappy drama unfolds that pays homage to the original 1959 classic.

Will Chase, the Sheriff, and their posse end the reign of the monster? Will Carla and Lisa rip each others false eyelashes and clothes off? Does Chase need to fear Waco Bob and his six-shooter more than the creature? Its always great to see Kelli Maroney and fans of the original classic will love the treatment Jim Wynorski has for it. For some fun, great beefcake and cheesecake, and guns...see "Gila!"

Haunted Hollywood, Revenge of the Silents

An important and often ignored era in Hollywood came to an unceremonious end. About the time of "The Great Depression," talking pictures started showing. The silent films, and their stars, could not compete. Some stars made the transition...most did not. Did the great talent of the Silent Era deserve to be packed away and forgotten? Hence the 2012 Charles Band film "Haunted Hollywood" (aka "The Dead Want Women").

The sultry silent actress Rose Pettigrew (Jean Louise O'Sullivan) throws a ritzy party at her mansion to celebrate the release of her newest film. She sneaks away into a secret dungeon room with three of her perverted friends, the great western actor Sonny Barnes (Eric Roberts), comedic actor Tubby (Nihilist Gelo), and handsome actor Erik (Robert Zachar). These four partake in a weird orgy as two nude flappers are brought in (Jeanie Marie Sullivan and Misty Anderson). As everyone gets 'satisfied', Rose is brought the news the studio has dropped her contract as talkies are the new thing. Upset, Rose kills everyone in the orgy and slices her own throat.

Present day, Reese (Jessica Morris) and Danni (Ariana Madix) are two beautiful realtors getting Rose's mansion ready for sale. No one has occupied it in 80 years...yep...haunted. Soon, the two beauties are visited by the ghosts of Sonny, Tubby, and Erik. The trio are menacing and won't let our realtors leave. Also appearing is one of the nude flappers. They chase the realtors, catch them, and bring them to the dungeon. The trio need the women for a rite that will bring Rose back to life. Torture and humiliation are endured by Reese and Danni, but it will soon get more dangerous for them. As daggers and guns make it into the festivities, the realtors get desperate and their fate begins to look hopeless.

Will Reese and Danni figure out a way to escape their tormentors? What will the return of Rose mean for our beautiful realtors? Is this film a mere metaphor for the out-of-control real estate market in southern California? This is a decadent film and the fate of our realtors may not leave you smiling. "Haunted Hollywood" will appeal to prurient tastes of horror film fans, as the actresses in this film are all sultry...and perhaps ill-fated...you'll see.