The Green Inferno, Frolicking in the Amazon

Every theologian now agrees, true Nirvana is when "...our ashes are scattered in the river and gathered by the spirit of the Anaconda of Peace." There, some straight forward theology for all of us simple-minded souls. Hence today's feature, 1988's "The Green Inferno" (no, not the Eli Roth one). Heavy on anaconda and shrunken head carnage, and light in the 'cohesive plot' department, our feature today wasn't messing around in its quest for an audience, as it is sometimes titled "Cannibal Holocaust 2." Just add 'cannibal' and/or 'holocaust' in your title, and this will make people like me watch it, even if it is a sitcom chronicling the relationship between Gretchen and Miles.

Professor Korenz has been missing in the Amazon jungle (rain forest for you enlightened souls) for a long time. Enter Jemma (May Deseligny). She hosts a TV show, "Beyond Fantasy." Unlike Josh Gates and Darrel Miklos on the Discovery Channel, she intends to solve her mysteries. Believing the old geezer is still alive she enlists the help of three losers; Pete the anthropologist (Pio Maria Federici), Mark the surfing hunk (Fabrizio Merlo) and Fred the pilot (Marco Merlo). These three blokes steal a plane and join Jemma in Colombia where she has just been given a graphic lesson on shrinking heads...that'll make fine TV. Down the river they go following clues.

Our quartet make friends along the way as they save monkeys, pull cannibal fish out of anus' of natives (really), and eat maggots. Uh oh, they run afoul of the efforts of river pirates looting gold from the jungle. These fiends demonstrate a method of castration in which snakes bite off the tally-whackers of the formerly virile and potent. We'll meet boars, big spiders, lots of anacondas, piranhas, bats, and other various very poisonous jungle fiends. As our three guys sashay their way through perilous adventure, the nubile Jemma must fend off the advances of headhunters and even have to act like a woman at times. As they get close to finding the professor, the evil river pirates and headhunters close in on them.

Will the Amazonian headhunters subject Jemma to the whims of the anaconda god? Will our three hunks eschew their surfing and skiing culture long enough to avoid snake-castration? Is the drippy old professor even worth their efforts? All in the effort of good TV, "Beyond Fantasy" looks like a show we would actually enjoy. So listen up Josh Gates and Darrel Miklos, before going on your next hunt for mysteries, watch Jemma in "The Green Inferno" and see how it is done. Directed by Antonio Climati, this Italian horror film, shot in the Colombian jungle, is worth a view.