XXX-MAS, Christmas, Adult Entertainment, and Bloody Gore

About four decades ago Siskel & Ebert went bananas at the carnage and gratuity of the slasher film "Silent Night, Bloody Night."  Neither one is around to see our film today, 2023's "XXX-MAS," directed by James Dean.  Just as the uber offensive, at least to Siskel & Ebert, came to be known as a feminist anthem, one wonders if today's film would have been regarded as holiday frivolity and cheer by those two.  Bloody, prurient, and gratuitous, James Dean knows how to make films this blog loves.

As the film begins, Santa (Drew Marvick) is spending a quiet night with the very sexy Mrs. Claus (Lindsay Washburn). Something sets him off and he goes on a rampage massacring attendees of a Christmas party of adult film industry personnel. He's not done.  Johnny D (Chris Ruppert) is filming a pornographic Christmas film.  He has summoned his favorite porn actors and actresses.  We gravitate to Kristy Kreme (Morrigan Thompson) as she seems to have what it takes to be a "Final Girl." The filming starts and Santa barges in.  The magical being punches his fist through a production guy and begins impaling actors and actresses as they are in the throes of passion.  He'll even invade to lesbian actresses in the tub and impale one with a candy cane.  See where this is going?  If you answered yes, you may need to talk to a professional.

Gore, impalements, and stabbings abound. So will shotgun blasts, nail guns, and bloody cookies. Black Mamba (Jonathan May), a porn actor who initially wears a reindeer tally-whacker, mans up and he and Kristi work on escaping and saving surviving talent.  Uh oh...Santa has brought with him a man-eating fanged elf, Armando (Joe Hammerstone) and he will eat some actresses...I know, perhaps a double meaning...get your mind out of the gutter.  Wait!  When all looks hopeless, Kristi may have discovered a weakness they can exploit on Santa.  Felissa Rose will arrive and have some terrific scenes.  Gore and gratuitous sex scenes of a very prurient nature will splash across the silver screen in a bacchanal display of carnal gore and euphoria. Mr. Dean knows how to keep the plot moving and the viewer aroused and screaming.

Will Kristi survive to the end credits?  What did set Santa off that caused him to impale and disembowel porn industry workers?  Has the increased commercialism of the Christmas season perverted the adult film industry?  For some steamy and bloody horror that will offend so many, see "XXX-MAS" and interpret it as a morality film.  

Monster Grizzly, Fangs, Claws, and Pre-Marital Sex

Remember the 80s?  Yes!  That decade seemed to have everything we wanted in horror films.  That is, except for one thing.  A steamy sex scene between Maria Conchita Alonso and Wilford Brimley.  If there were any two we ever wanted to see matched up in a steamy shower or sweaty bed, it was these two.  Okay, neither of these two are in our film today but we do have reasonable facsimiles of them.  Add in a babe cop (a plot device ruined by Sharon Gless and Tyne Daly) and we have a nice monster film. Today we look at 2023's "Monster Grizzly," directed by Richard Douglas Jensen.

It is supposed to be hibernating but a monster grizzly is rampaging through a mountain community during a blizzard. Wilford Brimley...I mean Sheriff Tom (Jensen) mobilizes his two deputies, the sultry Flower (Saporah Bonnette) and the hunk Stony (Michael V. Jordan).  Yes, Stony and Flower will engage in pre-marital sex. The killings continue and Tom calls in an expert from the university...Maria Conchita Alonso...wait, no...Giuliana (Vanessa Tamayo). She is an expert on apex predators and desires one.  She really desires one and tells Wilford...I mean Tom that he is one.  That's all he needs to hear and the two of them are engaging in pre-marital sex.  Apparently, Giuliana believes men have been feminized and are weak and wussy.  Tom is different...he's a real man and she will go to great lengths to seduce him.

I know...the bear!  It keeps killing.  Giuliana is trying to figure out why it is not hibernating or eating its kills.  Flower is trying to explain to her people on the reservation that all Indian men are dunks or drug abusers and she wants a white man.  The cute cop will get really mad when the bear shreds her aunt.  Now its personal.  More killings and more anthems about the decline of masculinity in America.  Giuliana does have some good points.  Eventually she will use her Mensa IQ to figure out the deal with this bear.  She'll even role play the bear in steamy sex with Wilford Brimley...I mean Tom.

Will the sex-starved Flower and Giuliana become sexual apex predators and give us a good catfight?  Is there any truth to the rumor that Maria Conchita Alonso and Wilford Brimley were originally cast in "9 1/2 Weeks" instead of Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger? Is someone ever going to track this bear down and kill it?  Passion and gore abound.  Flower and Giuliana are oozing with sexual tension.  The bear is oozing homicide.  For a neat monster film and the magnum opus of Richard Douglas Jensen, see "Monster Grizzly."

Chatterbox, Annoying Slasher and Annoying Victims

Slasher films, in the words of Bram Stoker, are like pizza...hot and juicy or cold and soggy...all good. Okay, Bram Stoker didn't say exactly that. Today we have a cold and soggy one.  Or, that is until it gets revved up.  We'll meet a bunch of young adults and detest all of them.  Then we'll meet the slasher and he'll annoy, as opposed to horrify us.  Through it all, we'll see a complete movie and by the end love it.  Why?  Who knows, maybe sometimes cold pizza is the alternative to crab bisque.  Both cold...but one speaks to us.  Today we look at 2022's "Chatterbox," a slasher film from the U.K directed by Ben Patterson.

We meet six annoying friends.  Summer (Gemma Harlow Dean) will spend most of the film calling her buds lazy, drunk, and spoilt rich kids.  On Summer's part, her work ethic can only be seen with a microscope.  She makes a bad investment and buys an old cavernous house in the country to fix up and flip for a profit.  She brings her five mates with her to do the demo and redo...should've brought Chip Gaines. A lot of work to do...Heaven forbid they actually break a sweat.  The mates will drink a lot.  Lee (Colin Jones) loses interest fast when he hears that two years ago a psycho butchered his family there.  Then when Lee is told that psycho just escaped from a mental asylum, he walks out on his friends. He'll be butchered before he gets to the road.  Now the five friends continue without him...and drink more.

Summer has a BF, or we think he's a boyfriend.  Eddie (Luke McArthur) shows no affection for the grouchy and lazy Summer. Jenny (Maria Hiscock) is sad because Lee left and demands everyone look for him.  Doing this will get a lot of them killed...yay! Beth (Shaniece Williams) will die while...get this...taking a nap! It is here the movie gets really good.  Our killer is in the house and wears a mask with a chatterbox mouth...very annoying.  Stay tuned to the end and find out the significance about this.  A lot of gory kills will occur.  Summer will continue to put down her friends...and in a different way, so will the killer. But wait!  I gotta give this one credit.  The ending is fantastic!  You'll see.

Did the makers of this film originally get rejected by HGTV and then decide to turn their pilot episode into a horror film?  Will Beth ever stop yelling at her friends?   Will any of the six mates think of changing the backslash behind the kitchen sink?  A slasher film for the likes of Chip and Joanna Gaines, and eventually even you will love it.  See "Chatterbox," and then stucco your ceiling.   

 

Curucu, Beast of the Amazon, Sweaty Babe in Peril in the Jungle

She's a babe.  Beverly Garland! One of the greatest horror film actresses ever.  She plied her trade before the term "Scream Queen" was invented.  Two years after "Creature from the Black Lagoon," a rip-off was made.  No Julie Adams in a white swimsuit in this one.  To take her place...Beverly Garland in white jungle attire!  The nubile lass would sweat a lot and even have a scene in which she is carried away by a fiendish jungle/river creature.  Today we look at 1956's "Curucu, Beast of the Amazon," directed by Curt Siodmak.  Unlike "Creature," this film was indeed shot entirely in the Amazon.

She's a hot doctor.  Empowered in a man's world.  She thinks she will save the world and cure cancer.  Poppycock!  She's a dame!  When a brute named Rock (John Bromfield) grabs her, against her will, pulls her in and plants a wet and passionate kiss on her ruby red lips...well, she's tamed.  Alas, Dr. Andrea Grant (Garland) is conquered.  Yes!  Now, this is a man's movie! Of more serious concern to Rock and Andrea is a weird monster that crawls out of the Amazon River and shreds Indian workers.  Now all the workers are horrified off the plantations and flee back into the jungle to avoid the river monster.

Rock is asked by the plantation owners to travel up the Amazon and kill the fiend.  Andrea wants to go with him because she believe headhunting tribes have the cure for cancer.  Silly, I know, but she is a babe so we'll give her what she wants...including being pawed, sexually harassed, and kissed at will by the brute, Rock.  Tarantulas, snakes, piranha, wild cats, and headhunters will menace the duo.  The headhunters will fall for Andrea before they abduct her.  Like any woman who thinks she's empowered, she will need a man to save her...enter Rock!  As the duo get closer to the mystery of this clawed river creature, the natives get more perilous.  Now the formerly friendly headhunters desire to shrink the heads of Rock of Andrea. 

In addition to planting a hard wet one on the nubile Andrea, what else will the sweaty Rock do to the sweaty and wanting Andrea in the hot jungle?  Do the headhunters really have the secret to curing cancer?  Will the blonde and sweaty Andrea change the minds of the headhunters about eating her?  This is a good one.  Beverly Garland is hot, literally and figuratively.  Why don't men kiss women like Rock kisses Andrea anymore?  Sexual harassment aside, today's men could learn a lot from this film... and today's women are just waiting for men to learn these lessons.  For a sweaty good time, see "Curucu, Beast of the Amazon."  

The Employer, Stilettos and Strangulation in Corporate America

Anything with Malcolm McDowell is a worthwhile watch.  Something about him and his performances are just so right.  Today's film has him as a CEO of a gigantic great white shark of a venture capital firm. His company buys other companies, strips their assets, and sends them to the ash heap. With the corruption of the Department of Justice's Antitrust Division, Malcolm McDowell's character and corporation is quite a realistic portrayal of what America's government is breeding and rewarding.  Today we look at 2012's "The Employer," directed by Frank Merle.

The Employer (McDowell) interviews five young sharks...all willing to do anything required for the corporation.  All do well in the first interview stage proving they're ruthless.  All claim there is nothing they would not do for the corporation...nothing! James (David Dastmalchian) appears to be a good soul and does not really fit in with those he's competing against.  Sandra (Paige Howard) is a babe who seems like a good sort...but just wait.  Keith (Michael DeLorenzo) is a devious and unlikable New Yorker type.  Mike (Matthew Willig) is a work-out freak with a temper.  Then there is Billie (Katerina Kopel), a slut in a tight black party dress and stilettos.  We like Billie the best...but only because she looks great in stilettos.

Okay, all five are kidnapped and deposited into a bank vault type room.  They are told by the Employer that the one who survives will be hired.  Only after four have been killed in the room will the vault door be opened.  Now the task at hand...start killing and get a job.  The five, hesitantly, make a pact with themselves not to kill.  This lasts a few minutes.  The weapons have been taken away from our candidates before being put into the room...but one may be amazed what can be used for a weapon.  Blood will spurt and surprises abound,   There is a vacancy for an analyst position to be had...is there anything worth more?

Will there be a lone survivor?  Does the Employer really intend to live up to his part of the bargain? Will Billie's stilettos come in to play in the carnage?  As we see Amazon, Apple, Microsoft, and the corporate media do business above the law with full protection from a corrupt government, "The Employer" becomes a perfect metaphor for what America has become.  Capitalism is dead and replaced by a fascist like perversion between corporate America and government.  See "The Employer" and get a better understanding on how the Fortune 500 is run. 

Row 19, Planes, Witches, and Crashes

I love films from Russia.  In Russia, stewardesses are still dolls!  Non-unionized, the lovelies strut down the aisle. In America they waddle down the aisle. More importantly, we have a neat horror film set on a commercial airline in Russia.  Airplane horror is so good because what happens in these movies is a fear we all have before stepping onto one.  Depressurization, crashing, fire, engine failure, running out of coffee give us all nightmares when we anticipate our next flight.  Fortunately in a Russian made film we won't have to worry about stewardesses who are big-boned and retaining water.  Today we look at "Row 19," directed by Alexander Babaev. 

First off, kudos to two babe actresses, Anna Glaube and Victoria Korlyakova.  They portray our babe stewardesses.  Though their fates might be difficult to watch, they are babes and dress very smartly in their stewardess uniforms. Okay, back to the horror. 20 years ago, as a seven year old, Katerina (Svetlana Ivanova) is the lone survivor of an airplane crash.  Even her mom dies. Now two decades later, Katerina has grown up and become a psychologist helping her patients cope with fear.  Uh oh...Katerina has not really mastered controlling hers...but will get practice real soon.  See, she books a flight to go visit her grandfather and will take along her seven year old daughter, Diana (Marta Kessler).  See where we are going.

On a snowy night the plane takes off.  Katerina meets handsome Alexey (Wolfgang Cerny). He's a hunk with his own issues.  A former war correspondent, this hunk is also suppressing fear.  Even weirder is an artist (Alexander Gross) who keeps sketching the other passengers. A cranky man who keeps drinking and an elderly couple are the only others on board.  The two babe stewardesses are acting strange and seem to be guarding a secret.  Death and destruction arrive.  Fire! Decompression! Death! Turbulence!  Even worse, as a little girl Katerina saw a witch on the ill-fated flight.  Now, that same witch seems to be onboard the plane.  What happens next will get into spoilers but much of it will be difficult to watch.

Will Katerina endure another airplane crash?  What is with this witch, is she there to reclaim Katerina, "Final Destination" style?  Will our stewardesses remain sultry even after all the horror?  If you liked "Flight 7500," this film has similar vibes.  For a good supernatural shocker, see "Row 19," and fear not...no one in this film will run out of coffee.

 

The Demon, Pre-School Teacher in Peril

Wow!  The ending to this one was sensational.  Nakedness, gore, screaming...and spurting blood.  More movies should end this way. When its all over one may wonder if they saw a slasher film or a supernatural horror film.  Even though Cameron Mitchell is in this thing, Jennifer Holmes, in her often naked performance, gets top billing.  This has the feel of a Giallo film from Italy.  Perhaps that is because a lot of naked babes are in great peril.  Made in South Africa, this one can boast of nubile babes and gore.  Today we look at 1979's "The Demon," directed by Percival Rubens. 

As our film begins a mysterious being (Graham Kennard) sneaks into a home and nearly murders a mom (Moira Winslow) and absconds with a horrified daughter (Ashleigh Sendin).  The distraught parents call in a psychic ...retired U.S. Marine, Col. Bill Carson (Mitchell).  Just like General Milley, Carson is completely useless. In fact, just like General Milley, he makes things worse.  Does he help find the daughter?  Did General Milley ever win a war? Let's forget about the marine psychic and move over to some dames.  The fiend is on a murderous rampage and now turns his attention to the nubile blonde pre-school teacher, Mary (Holmes).  Mary lives in a big house with her cousin, another pre-school teacher, Jo (Zoli Marki).  Now the killer stalks them.

Both babes will get naked and have pre-marital sex with their totally useless boyfriends. Then take baths. The killer gets closer and begins stalking their house.  The gals are walking on clouds because of pre-marital sex with useless men.  This causes more baths and nakedness.  Now the killer has decided it is time. For what?  It won't be pretty.  Remember Col. Carson?  Don't even waste your time.  We pull for Jo and Mary because they are babes. Their taste in men seems to be their only fault.  The killer is relentless and what he has planned for the babes may be satanic.  You'll see.

If General Milley goes into business as a psychic after he retires...DO NOT HIRE HIM!  Will Jo and Mary survive the wrath of a very evil stalker?  What happened to the abducted daughter at the beginning of the film?  Exactly who or what is this killer?  This is a film big on surprises and gratuitous nudity and killing.  The two nubile pre-school teachers are portrayed by sultry actresses.  For something a little different with a Giallo flavor, see "The Demon."    

The Rain Killer, Psycho Guts Wealthy Women

Today we have a Neo-Noir erotic thriller!  Set in Los Angeles during a period of very rainy nights.  A downtrodden homicide detective hitting the bottle.  Dangerous femmes.  Plenty of suspects. Alas, some attractive, well-dressed dames dying horribly at the hands of a psycho killer.  Even the score is right out of those old Film Noir private eye films.  Our feature today is 1990's "The Rain Killer," directed by Ken Stein.

Poor Elizabeth (Kathleen Klein)!  An emancipated women of the post-women's lib era.  Successful and on her own, a psycho killer guts her on an Amtrak train.  Even worse...she was a witness in an FBI case.  This brings Special Agent Dalton (David Beecroft) to the LAPD to help the bumbling and drunk homicide detective, Vince Capra (Ray Sharkey) solve the case.  A serial killer has struck before, many times...same M.O.  Always a very rainy night.  Leaves no clues or witnesses.  Capra hates the prim and proper FBI guy but is forced to work with him. The two begin finding clues and connections between the babes.  Each victim was a former user currently in a support group called "The Sewing Club." This support group is for wealthy women...and just happens to be run by Dalton's soon to be ex-wife, the sexy Adele (Tania Coleridge).

Adele hates Dalton.  Capra and Dalton go to interview Adele about her support group.  Capra and Adele hit it off and soon will engage in plenty of steamy and deviant sex.  This makes Dalton mad.  Uh oh...the killer keeps striking.  Then, after a sleazy stripper (Maria Ford) is killed, the cops think they have their man. Rosewell (Woody Brown) seems to be the guy...his wife is in the support group and he is arrested. The cops have to let him go and Capra does not believe he is the killer. Adele and Capra will continue to get naked and naughty together.  More babes will be gutted.  Dalton will continue to look good in ties and cufflinks.  Where is this all going?  You might guess it halfway through but Adele's sex with Capra will be steamy and keep your interest.

Is there any chance Adele is the killer?  Is Rosewell really the killer or is that too easy?  Because Adele is in euphoria in her sex with Capra, does Dalton have to kill him?  Steamy, vicious, and a pretty good mystery, "The Rain Killer" will keep you guessing while exciting you in a prurient way.  See "The Rain Killer" and plunge your movie taste into deviance and murder.    

Crypt of Dark Secrets, Revenge in the Bayou

Revenge...voodoo style!  We'll have voodoo dolls...pagan rites...and the sultry and oiled up Maureen Ridley as the sultry enchantress.  No partial nudity in this one.  When voodoo comes a calling...real voodoo...we have full nudity...gratuitous nudity! Sadly for Maureen Ridley, she is cast with a bunch of dweebs.  No hunks here...but that won't stop this amazing actress from plying her exotic dancing skills... all oiled up.  Today we look at 1976's "Crypt of Dark Secrets," directed by Jack Weis.

In the Louisiana swamp sits a magic island where a cool fog permeates.  Residing there is former army Ranger, Ted (Ronald Tanet). After being wounded in Vietnam, he gets out and lives in seclusion on this island.  He keeps all his money in his mattress. Also living on the island is a strange but enchanting babe, Damballa (Ridley).  She can turn into a snake instantly...okay, no comments from you divorced guys out there!  Ted has only two friends, two cops from the mainland, Sgt. Burke (Herbert G. Jahncke) and Lt. Harrigan (Wayne Mack).  They visit him and implore him to put his money in the bank. Reluctantly, Ted agrees. Too late...three creeps, Earl (Butch Benet), Max (Harry Uher), and Louise (Barbara Hagerty) sneak onto the island, murder Ted, and abscond with his money.

Now the magic starts.  Damballa loves Ted.  She strips, oils up, and performs an alluring exotic dance which will see her mount Ted's corpse and kiss him.  Wisely, Ted reanimates and is advised Damballa has picked him to live with through eternity.  Damballa and voodoo dolls are then put into play.  Louise, Max, and Earl are lured back to the island by greed and black magic.  What happens next is predictable.  However predictable this plot is, Damballa's nude and oiled up efforts are worth the price of admission.  The price of admission was most likely paid at a drive-in back in 1976 for this film.

Can army Ranger Ted make the transition smoothly to the netherworld if attached to an oiled up and nude exotic dancer?  Bet you haven't heard that question for awhile. Does the evil trio stand a chance at surviving now that voodoo and the oiled up Damballa are after them?  Are there any other Damballa's in the bayou for other swamp dweebs?  This is an erotic and gratuitous one.  For some nice drive-in horror, see "Crypt of Dark Secrets."   

I Am Rage, Tainted Blood

What happens when the mentally unbalanced hit the dating scene?  Better question!  What happens when psycho killers hit the dating scene?  You divorced men have an answer for this.  Still, psycho gals may have an advantage, especially if their new boyfriends are cultists, or human blood harvesters.  We have a bloody one to look at today.  There will be a lot of killing, gore, torture, and relationships gone bad.  Our feature today from Scotland, 2023's "I Am Rage," directed by David Ryan Keith.

Erin (Hannaj Bang Bendz) is quite the babe.  Her new BF, Adam (Derek Nelson) is quite the hunk. He decides to take her on a camping trip...or that is what he tells her.  Poor Adam. He actually plans to drain her blood and sell the blood to cultists who derive youth from it. Erin's blood is different.  It is filled with rage. We're getting ahead of ourselves.  Adam and Erin meet his brother, Michael (Luke Aquilina) and his babe GF Sarah (Antonia Whillans) in the wilderness.  Sarah and Erin will bond.  The brothers bring the gals to see their parents, Peter (Jamie B. Chambers) and Ruth (Debbie Sheridan). Ruth takes an unnatural interest in Sarah.  Anyway, the babes are drugged at dinner and the family begins draining their blood.  Here's the rub...Erin needs her psyche meds...often.  If deprived of them she turns into a monster (you divorced guys can relate), filled with rage and homicide. Adam took her meds away.

Erin turns superhuman and busts out of her binds.  The killing starts.  The cult of blood letters are now scrambling.  Turns out they have a whole corral of prisoners in a dungeon who they are draining the blood from.  Enter Margret (Marta Svetek). Pure psycho, Marta is a killer bent on keeping the family business alive. The sultry blonde sees Erin as a formidable challenge.  Erin goes through cultists like crap through a goose.  Margret is tired of watching her enterprise die.  Now Margret thinks she has what it takes to stop Erin.  How did Erin become like this?  You'll see.  You will also see the extent of her rage...and it is superhuman, or close to it.

What created Erin and her rage?  Does Margret have what it takes to stop her?  As globalism dies out and the Klaus Schwabs look increasingly irrelevant, does a cult harvesting human blood or any other organ stand a chance in a world economy that seems to be returning to civilization state influence? This is a bloody one with some great babes and hunks.  The gore and torture may cause you to turn your head at times.  You won't see any mercy or wit in this one.  See "I Am Rage" and make way for little guys and psychos as they will inherit the world.       

Crawler, A Killdozer Reboot

This one isn't really a remake of 1974's "Killdozer," but close.  We have a menacing bulldozer infused with an alien spirit that is very homicidal. Unlike the original "Killdozer," this one has cleavage.  Say what you want...infusing horrible deaths and over-the-top gore with cleavage is not always a bad thing.  In fact, if there is one thing you will remember about this film a year from now...it will be impressive cleavage. Today we will look at 2009's "Crawler," directed by Sv Bell...and featuring the lovely Heidi Hawkins and her impressive...smile!

Jimmy (Deke Richards), a hunk, is foreman at a construction site.  His admin babe is Sandra (Hawkins), and she has impressive cleavage.  This point is drilled home a couple dozen times in this film. You can't miss it. By mistake and after some initial bloodshed, the construction company ends up renting the wrong bulldozer.  Now a possessed machine begins its rampage.  But possessed by what, or who? Now the thing, one by one, begins crushing and ripping apart construction guys.  Uh oh...the thing has tentacles.  Tentacles with heads that can bite off a man's head.  It also bites, or burns, Boone (Mike Paterson). Now Boone is infected and what happens to him is quite disgusting.  Then there is Karl (Keir Cutler) . Karl will be possessed by the thing and watch over its eggs.  Eggs?  Yep.  It gives birth.

Karl places one of the eggs in Sandra's office. Why?  Oh, come on!  You know why!  Remember, the monster bulldozer has tentacles.  Can you guess where this film might be going.  Cleavage, I mean Sandra now is falling for Jimmy.  Jimmy will get to enjoy her cleavage...I mean smile.  Uh oh...the monster dozer might be able to bring back ghosts of the dearly departed...you'll see. Jimmy begins to put clues together and realizes he should spend less time in Sandra's cleavage and more time fighting monsters. This had to be tough for him as Sandra's cleavage is not easy to put aside.  Okay, that's enough.  The flavor of this review is getting too prurient.  We do have a terrific man vs. machine film...albeit a possessed machine.

Will the bulldozer's tentacles do anything prurient to Sandra and her...smile?  What will be produced if the bulldozer tentacles have their way with Sandra?  Why hasn't Heidi Hawkins and her cleavage gone on to do so much more, either horror films or exploitation films?  This is a good one.  Think about it.  Has there ever been a bad movie about tentacled bulldozers going after cleavage. See "Crawler" and then I challenge you to find another Heidi Hawkins film.

Making The Last Dinosaur, A Review of the B. Harrison Smith Book

It could've been last week.  For over six decades the industry has ignored the guidance and wisdom of Richard Boone.  They ignored him at their own peril.  The acting profession has become increasingly corrupted and some (okay, just me) may suggest that those actors who have so much influence are actually mere puppets of the industry execs who seek to cleanse movies of humans.  Hence AI is a big issue and may go unaddressed by the negotiations in the current strike.  Hard work!  Dedication to an age old art form! Respect for the movie-going public! A belief that the arts, especially acting and filmmaking are tools that can keep us human as a culture.  A bad movie?  1977's "The Last Dinosaur' was a bad one...in 1977. Over 40 years later, the film may be a doorway of salvation if modern day "Hollywood" choose to walk through it. Today we look at B. Harrison Smith's book Making the Last Dinosaur (Bear Manor Media). Find it on Amazon by clicking this link The Last Dinosaur on Amazon .

In 1977 I was in front of my TV to watch ABC's Friday Night Movie, with my mom.  I was not even a teenager, but monsters were monsters...thus "The Last Dinosaur" was a must watch.  Even as a 12 year old, I knew the movie was bad...but I liked it!  Richard Boone's character was fantastic and Joan Van Ark was a babe.  The T-Rex was...lame...but better than anything in the TV show "Land of the Lost."  I have not seen the film since.  Over four decades later, Mr. Smith puts out a book and fills in blanks I never knew existed.  For me, the central theme of the book is contained in the letter Mr. Boone wrote to the industry in 1960.  They should've listened to him.  Okay, the "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" people made a monster movie.  Problematic?  Perhaps.  As Mr. Smith points out...problematic or not, they made this movie.  They got a great cast.  They had ambitious, though not always effective f/x.  The effort and desire to do the most of what they had was paramount in the filmmakers mind...and cast.

Bad?  I liked it!  "Ordinary People" won an Oscar a few years later and that movie makes me gag!  Fun! It had a monster!  Joan Van Ark rolled around in a mud pit!  Mary Tyler Moore didn't do that in "Ordinary People." The story or plot for this film is a theme often touched upon in the old westerns of Sergio Leone.  Henry Fonda played the Richard Boone character in those old oaters. You know the character, the aging gunfighter displaced by the railroad and commerce, As Mr. Smith points out, perhaps Mr. Boone's role is a prescient message to the acting profession today. However good these newbies are in Hollywood...the railroad is coming and so is law and order in the form of Harvard MBA execs who look at bottom lines instead of casting reels.

The insight into Richard Boone's life and his views toward a profession that can change the world for the better (if it chooses) are valuable for all of us...even us who have no talent.  Mr. Smith gives an unpopular message.  Hard work and respect for the people who you will never meet will carry you beyond your current life and into eternity.  It will also propel civilization forward instead of backwards.  Going against that wisdom gives us failed diplomacy in The Ukraine and Israel, and talk of World War 3.  Richard Boone knew that.  His plea was for humanity and I think he knew the entertainment industry was a mere metaphor for a world headed into The Cuban Missile Crisis.  This is all in the book...read it! 

"The Last Dinosaur" respected its audience.  This is a point Mr. Smith harps on.  Ultimately the movie makers cared for you...wanted you to enjoy their 90 minute production. Making the Last Dinosaur is an important book that may offer insight into how Hollywood got into their current mess.  New technologies may wipe out the acting profession.  Richard Boone desperately tried to correct this disaster in 1960.  Mr. Smith's work is a plea for a return to adult behavior in an industry that has forgotten its God-given purpose to inspire and bring out the best in humanity.  Read this book today by clicking on the link above.  

Nothing But the Night, I'm a Pathologist Dammit!

You remember the chills sent up your spine at the ending of 1973's "The Wicker Man"?  A Christopher Lee film, one of his favorites, in which folk horror is thrown at us in creepy fashion.  Ironically, that same year, the Christopher Lee film "Nothing But the Night" premiered.  Folk horror? Yep... but beware, through most of it you will think you are watching a police mystery.  Then the ending.  The most taboo and horrific ending you will ever see.  What happens is so offensive to your comfort zone and polite sensibilities, you may look at "The Wicker Man" as no scarier than a Looney Toons Cartoon.  Warning...the ending will be difficult to watch and if you have been through a hard time lately...avoid this film.

He's a pathologist! A regular Quincy...Peter Cushing plays Sir Mark.  Semi-retired detective, Col. Bingham (Lee) asks his assistance in his investigation of several suspicious deaths. A bus filled with children has crashed.  The kids were not the target of a homicidal mind and one survives.  Young Mary (Gwyneth Strong), an orphan has survived while three trustees from the orphanage she belongs to have died in the crash.  Mary is traumatized and the sight of fire sends her into a rage.  Handsome Dr. Haynes (Keith Barron) is trying to hypnotize her to find out why she fears fire.  There was no fire in the crash and nothing in Mary's past indicates any fiery episodes.  The orphanage wants her back and not even Sir Mark can stop this.

The trustees at the orphanage continue to die mysteriously.  Before Mary is sent back to the orphanage, Dr. Haynes finds her birth mother (Diana Dors).  The meeting between Mary and her real mom at the hospital proves horrific, and deadly.  Now Joan (Georgia Brown), a babe who owns a newspaper, is inquiring about the deaths of the trustees. More trustees die mysteriously.  Now Bingham, Joan, and Sir mark head to the little Scottish island that houses the orphans, including Mary.  Uh oh...the kids start dying in a manner consistent with ritualistic sacrifice.  Then...you don't want to know what happens next.  Be warned.  It won't be the feel good movie of 1973 and will send more chills up your spine than two other 1973 horror films, "The Wicker Man" and "The Exorcist."

What exactly happened during the meeting between Mary and her birth mom at the hospital? Why are the trustees at the orphanage dying mysteriously?  Will a big bonfire and a naked and dancing Joan be part of the plot of this film?  This is a shocker and maybe an unwelcome film at a time when Vietnam and Watergate were going on.  See "Nothing But the Night" if you must.  It'll scare and shock.

  

Captive, Vampire in the Basement

...beware, it won't stay in the basement. Another Tubi original today and another terrific one.  If you were wondering what Scout Taylor-Compton was up to, wonder no more.  She's sultry in this one.  her nemesis is the hunk Cody Frank, the toothy chained thing in the basement.  Here's some wisdom one may glean from this film.  If you ever find someone in chains...they probably deserve to be there.  No matter how hot they are...leave them be and keep going.  Today we look at 2023's "Captive," directed by Gregg Simon.

Ashley (Compton), quite the babe, is stuck with a heel of a BF, Luke (Michael Lovato). Her buddy, the beautiful Crystal (Tasie Lawrence) tries to keep her cheerful. Their other buddies are quite juvenile. Ed (Ryan Stajmigar) is a pothead with a line on a mansion that will be vacant over the weekend.  Hesitantly, Ashley, Crystal, Luke, a few others agree to sneak into the house and party until the owners return on Sunday night.  Immediately they find the hunk Drake (Frank) chained in the basement.  Idiots!  He looked so nice and sexy...they cut him loose.  Now he is free to leave or join the party.  He joins the party.  He is also a vampire and hungry.

Ed distributes pot to everyone...he has quite the supply and some interesting bongs.  Drake gravitates to Ashley and charms her.  Eek!  What follows will be hard to watch. A lot of blood will spurt.  Ashley is turned by Drake.  At first she does not want to eat her friends, especially Crystal.  This lasts 10 seconds.  Now Ashley looks at her buddies as if they were a buffet line.  Crystal?  Yep, she hungers for Crystal, but her hunger gets even more taboo, you'll see.  Drake convinces Ashley to get more food at the party.  The band arrives as do unsuspecting idiots desiring pot and pre-marital sex.  What follows will be one of the bloodiest massacres you will ever see on film.  We pull for Crystal and plead that she will escape. 

Do any humans have a chance at surviving until the end credits?  Will Ashley make-out with Crystal or eat her neck?  If Ashley and Drake survive the evening what will the future hold for the new lovebirds?  This is a good one filled with gore, pre-marital sex, and a great swimsuit worn by Ms. Compton.  Erotic and bloody, treat yourself to a fantastic vampire film, and see "Captive."  

Camp Killer, Final Girls vs. Psychos

Did anyone actually go see My Dinner With Andre? Who would (other than those Siskel and Ebert types)? Two dull New Yorkers getting together and catching up on their dull lives.  Well...how about if instead of Andre and his boring buddy...how about two final girls planning their own rampage.  Or maybe two psychos reflecting on hundreds of their kills.  Then...maybe if those characters were in it we'd see it in a second.  That's kind of what we have today in 2016's "Camp Killer," directed by Shawn Jones.  A film heavy high on conversation...and gory kills.

Hunks and babes!  All will die...or most of them.  The opening scene of this film is so classic. Campers roasting weenies while talking about the murders that occurred in these same woods.  The sultry Debbie (Sam Witala) and her BF Billy (Bob Marshall) will go off and be murdered while engaging in pre-marital sex.  The nubile Steph (Jackie Caste) will flash us her topside for no reason at all and then have her throat slit.  More gory killings will occur but Tina (Melissa LaMartina) will run away and survive.  She'll run to a cabin and face the killer, David (James Watkins) and be rescued by Jack the sheriff (Jimmyo Burril).  Here's where the film breaks down into two main conversations.

See...Jack is not the good guy.  He'll meet the psycho killer in the bar.  The two are attached by a curse that demands he and David murder 666 campers.  Jack will always kill David and save the final girl. The powers of darkness will then resurrect David and the two can do it all again.  At the station, Tina meets a weird gal, Alice (April Monique Burril).  She is also a final girl.  The two plan to invade the bar and murder the psychos.  Before that happens the two pairs have lengthy conversations about stuff like all the ways David murdered nubiles and hunks...or the trials and tribulations of being a 'final girl.'  The insight is clever and more interesting than talk of motorcycles or scrapbooking.  Then the gals will force the issue and a new round of gore and disembowelment will occur. 

What is Tina and Alice's plan for their confrontation with the two psychos?  What exactly is the relationship between the psycho sheriff and the psycho psycho?  Would many of the 1980s artsy-fartsy films have been better attended if they included pre-marital sex and gory killings in them?  This is a fun one with familiar tropes.  For nubile and sometimes nude babes in peril and psychos with a definite purpose...see "Camp Killer."   

Croaked: Frog Monster From Hell, Frisky Green Thing Runs Amok

Most of you will know this film as "Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake." Today we have a surprisingly good one.  This movie probably premiered at drive-ins.  I suspect Roger Corman had this one on his mind when he created "Humanoids From the Deep." A slimy thing from the depths, some nice gore, and babes in peril from unimaginable horror.  Today we look at "Croaked: Frog Monster From Hell," directed by Bill Rebane. 

As our film begins, an amorous couple is making out.  Kelly (Glenn Scherer) tells babe Chris (Doreen Moze) why they will dive on an island lake. Kelly tells a story of events from his childhood. A young Kelly (Brad Ellingson) finds a prehistoric dinosaur bone.  Hence, sultry paleontologist Elli (Karen McDiarmid) and her niece Susan (Julie Wheaton) come to the island.  Kelly's dad, John (Alan Ross), is a hunk of a park ranger and will be their guide.  Meanwhile, another paleontologist is speared by a frog monster in the island lake.  Now Elli finds out from the island hermit, Charlie (Jerry Gregoris), about the Indian legend of Rana.  Rana is a monster that protects Indian gold.  Three loggers, who are actually onto this legend, come to the island as well to seek the gold.  Alas, these three will meet a gruesome fate but not after sexually assaulting the steamy Susan.  Susan?  Sultry, as well...and wears her pink swimsuit nicely.

Okay...with John's help Elli gets no closer to discovering anything.  Susan has some nice scenes in her swimsuit.  Young Kelly drools over this swimsuit beauty.  Rana, the creature, gets aggressive.  His kills will be gory.  While not discovering anything, Elli learns about the Rana legend.  Uh oh...Rana sees Elli and Susan and he is in love.  What happens next will offend sensibilities but be arousing to fans of Roger Corman's more deviant films.  Our frog monster will get more aggressive and more homicidal.

Will Elli's and Susan's purity be preserved or will Rana have something to say about that?  Will the adult Kelly be able to stop Rana from swapping spit with his GF Chris?  Does Rana have plans for the babes in this film?  The answers are horrific.  Perhaps low budget, but the gore is terrific and the green creature is, too.  For a prurient good time, see an old drive-in classic, "Croaked: Frog Monster From Hell."