30 Seconds to Live, The Game of the Zombie Apocalypse

Looking for a neat game that doesn't include wizards and dragons? The zombie apocalypse is a ripe subject for strategy and cunning. Lovers of real games...with dice, cards, and tokens, we can take heart, "30 Seconds to Live" is here. If you are a zombie...select who's heart you take. The aforementioned apocalypse may be in the near future, but you can prepare now. Sure there is luck involved...as there is during apocalypses...but skill, experience, and knowing your strengths and weaknesses may keep you alive.

It all goes to pot in three months. Weirdness in remote Siberia moves into every major city. Zombie outbreaks. The X-Virus overtakes the planet. Goodbye Internet. Goodbye cellphones. Goodbye order and government. The good news...you are still alive! Bad news...the odds aren't in your favor. Survivors are getting rarer by the hour. The stronghold you are in is breached by these smelly unmentionables and now you are on the run. As "30 Seconds to Live" begins, you are trapped in an alley and it doesn't look good. The good news...you have weapons, abilities, and. The bad news...the zombie who wants to eat you is your buddy sitting across from you.

I played "30 Seconds to Live" with my son...he was the zombie...he won. The alley is long and the object is to get past a horde of these undead, kill if you must, and live to fight another day. Your buddy's goal...eat you! Through a skillful and thoughtful maneuvering of supplies, tactics, and weapon handling (most of this is from drawn cards), survival chances are increased. Oh yes...this maneuvering differs from each player, as whichever character you pick, has different sets of skills and weaknesses...which you must exploit. What happens next if fast-paced and in about 30 minutes, you will know if you live to fight another day.

The Survival, Attack, Weapons, Tactics, and Alley cards are brilliant and horrific in their artwork. The various characters are people who you may know in real life...no superheros. No time for idleness...you must attack and move...until you get away or are killed. "30 Seconds to Live" is artistically put together and designed to play at a rapid and intense pace. You are likely to lose your first game...but the improvement curve will be steep. This is the type of game horror fans will play three or four times in succession during one sitting. 
For more information on playing and ordering "30 Seconds to Live," click this link 30 SECONDS TO LIVE

Kickstarter Campaign

Delta Delta Die!, Sultry Sorority Cannibals

It is only fair. We have been enjoying sorority babes get slashed and diced for years. Now we have the tables turned. Sultry sorority babes doing the slashing and dicing...and eating. Perhaps no better metaphor for American university life exists outside the slasher film. Today we look at 2003's "Die Die Delta Pie!" directed by Devin Hamilton. Nudity and gore will rule...as will disembowelment and pre-marital sex and castration...also a fine metaphor for university life.

Hannah (Karen A. Smith) begins the film by eating a jock's penis during pre-marital sex. She is punished by the Delta Delta Pi sorority mother, Marilyn (Julie Strain) because this is forbidden. Not cannibalism, but eating the dirty and un-pure penis. The gals of this sorority lure jocks to their house, seduce them, and chop them up and put them in meatgrinders in order to make meat pies. We see a lot of this in the film as Patrice (Tiffany Shepis) demonstrates an alluring erotic dance to these jocks before Marilyn enters as a cannibalistic dominatrix. The pies bring in a lot of funds for the sorority and we are let in on the backstory of how this all began.

Tobias (Joe Dain) is getting suspicious. He works in the dean's office and sees the college covering for Marilyn's sorority and their antics. Many of Tobias' buddies have been ground up. He reaches out for Rhonda (Brinke Stevens), a former classmate of Marilyn's 20 years ago. Rhonda has been banished by the sorority and Tobias believes she could be an ally to stopping Marilyn. Uh oh...Rhonda is also a lunatic and loves jumping pretty sorority gals. Now Rhonda is back and Marilyn is going full force with her meatgrinder. As jocks continue to fall and Patrice maximizes her eroticism...and nudity and gratuitous shower scenes are thrown at us, a war brews between Rhonda and Marilyn. Cat-fights will abound, and the sultry sorority girls will also be put in mortal danger.

Is sending dumb sex-crazed jocks through a meatgrinder really such a bad thing? Did the bloke who had his penis eaten by Hannah die with a smile on his face? Will the beautiful sorority gals end up in the meatgrinder, as well? This is a prurient and naughty one. If you like gore, nudity, exotic dancing, cat-fights, and gratuitous shower and pre-marital sex scenes, enjoy "Delta Delta Die!" 

Hell of the Living Dead, Traipsing Nude Through the Apocalypse

After "Dawn of the Dead" and "Zombie" hit the screen, zombie apocalypse gore wasn't done. Today, the uber preachy and stiff "The Walking Dead" has killed the subgenre, but in 1980, it was just beginning. Margie Newton will have one of the most alluring zombie movie scenes ever, rivalling the zombie versus shark scene in the Lucio Fulci film. In the midst of a zombie infestation, the sultry actress will strip, apply some body paint that highlights her naughty part, and traipse through the jungle. Why not?! Today we look at 1980's "Hell of the Living Dead" (aka "Virus"), an Italy/Spain production directed by Bruno Mattei.

A disaster at a chemical plant in Papua New Guinea releases a chemical cloud. First, the employees are overcome and turn into flesh eating zombies...then all of New Guinea. In Spain, a military SWAT team puts down a hostage situation at the American Consulate. This team is sent to New Guinea to...well, I guess see what happened at the plant. Arriving in the jungle they meet up with reporterette Lia (Newton) and her irrelevant cameraman. The soldiers grunt a lot and Lia acts standoffish and prissy. They all encounter zombies immediately and when they first meet, it is at an overrun mission in which a horrifying scene takes place. Now they all head deep into the jungle where a tribe will be wiped out by the flesh eaters but not before Lia's nude frolicking.

Lia's nude frolicking does give the tribesmen reason to die with smiles on. From there, they continue, this time on the run from native zombie hordes. Vincent (Selan Karay) and Mike (Jose Gras) are two hunk soldiers who might have a chance at pre-marital sex with the grouchy Lia. Remarkably, the soldiers all stay alive through most of the film despite doing really stupid things. They love taunting zombies. As Lia yells at them and as Mike and Vincent grunt some more, the zombie hordes get bigger and hungrier. Yes, they'll reach the chemical plant for some unbelievably bloody gore.

Just what do the soldiers intend to do when they reach the overrun chemical plant? Will the frolicking Lia ever lighten up and have pre-marital sex with Vincent or Mike? The characters and themes of this film are rip-offs of Romero's, but if you're smart you will ignore tiresome messages this film puts forth. The gore will be extreme and quite elongated in its presentation, and you might find yourself cheering for the undead flesh eaters. For some extreme gore, playful nude traipsing, and grouch or stupid characters, enjoy "Hell of the Living Dead" and cheer for the end of mankind. 

Berserker, Viking Madman in Utah

 It has been awhile. 1000 years, give or take. Bored Vikings departed Scandinavia for Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, and Utah. A millennium later, hunks and babes in states of undress will feel the wrath of these noble and brutish men. At least, that is the case in 1987's "Berserker," directed by Jefferson Richard. This film boasts of some nice looking 20 somethings engaging in pre-marital sex, and frolicking through the Utah wilderness. 

Through a demented Nordic bloodline, a Berserker (Viking madman) is loose in a Utah campground. This fiend dons a bear snout and sharp claws and shreds campers. As the film begins, a heartbreaking scene sees an elderly couple get torn to pieces by the thing. Enter six hunks and babes. Josh (Greg Dawson) is bringing five friends to the campground he spent his summers, as a kid. His main squeeze, Kristi (Shannon Engemann) has a great swimsuit scene, will be the first of the group to be torn to pieces In a passionate pre-marital sex scene, the nubile and naked Shelly (Beth Toussaint) and buff Mike (Joseph Alan Johnson) will be interrupted by primal screams and torn up body parts. Alas, Shelly will soon become a pile of torn up body parts.

Kathy (Valerie Sheldon), her boyfriend Larry (Rodney Montague) and Josh are now on the run. The trio is beset and wounded by the Viking thing. Oh yeah, a slow moving cop (John F. Goff) is kind of interested in rescuing them. Uh oh again...the park caretaker, Pappy (George Fowler) may know more about the creature than he should. There will be a classic scene in which the Berserker gets into a brawl with a real bear. All these people and creatures are on a collision course, and the nubile Kathy will scream nicely. As the teeth, claws, hunk and babe body parts fly, a showdown is brewing.

In Viking lore, are pre-marital sex, pot smoking, skinny dipping, and drunken debauchery frowned upon by the Berserker class? Why do nubile, scantily clad dames rarely fare well when a centuries old creature comes calling? Did the Viking culture have anything against the Mormon church? This is a bloody one and the death scenes are quite elongated. For some great cheesecake and beefcake, most of which will be shredded, see "Berserker."

Monsters in the Woods, Big Bugs vs. Movie Crew

Anyone who has made a low budget exploitation/horror film will be able to identify with today's film. The great thing about a low budget exploitation film crew and cast is that there will certainly be nubile babes (probably nude), hunks, and neat monsters. With buckets of blood, and some great cheesecake and beefcake, sometimes clothed, we have 2012's "Monsters in the Woods," directed by J. Horton.

Jayson (Glenn Plummer), the director is on location in the California wilderness. He has made what he thinks is a great horror/exploitation film. The production company has sent him back to the location to film a whole lot more sex and gore scenes. Burt (Edward Hendershott) is an actor with the pleasure of being in a pre-marital sex scene. As he is screwing the nude Suzy (Jacqui Holland), Turkeyhead comes by and kills both of them in gory fashion. Jayson isn't happy with the scene but it'll have to do. Burt is working for free and Jayson has agreed to put his girlfriend, the pill-popping Ashley (Linda Bella) into the film. Uh oh, some earthquakes allow huge bug monsters to come out of the ground. These creatures will start eating and disfiguring the beautiful cast.

But wait! All is not lost! A pair of bickering monster hunters, who may be lovers, arrive. The sultry Ariel (Claudia Perea) is armed with a sawed-off shotgun. The bugs will eat her partner and now she is on the run. Claudia meets up with Burt, after saving his skin, and the two team up. Burt is looking to save Ashley, who is making out with anyone she can. The bugs will pick apart the script writer's (Ashton Blanchard) face. Ariel begins levelling with Burt and the truth is ominous.  Now Burt realizes survival isn't his only goal...saving the entire planet is. As Ashley gets a crash course in acting, and as Jesus Christ enters Jayson's plot, the horrifying bug creatures mount a final offensive to disembowel the beautiful.

Just where did Ariel come from, and what secrets does she know about the bug monsters? Just how does Jesus Christ, complete with robe and his crown of thorns, make their way into the plot?  Is Ashley sexy enough to be saved...or to die the most gory death in this film? This is a fun one, and the problems that plague a low-budget film shoot are hilarious...at least to the viewer. For some great gore, cheesecake, beefcake, and creature effects, see "Monsters in the Woods."

Paganini Horror, Satanic Composer Shreds Euro-Babes

Who knew? The great 19th century composer/violinist Niccolo Paganini sold his soul to Satan and used his wife's intestines to craft his own violin strings. Happens, I know. What happens when Giallo takes a turn at this plot device? Yep, 1989's "Paganini Horror," directed by the great Italian horror moviemaker, Luigi Cozzi. Throw in Donald Pleasence as Satan, a sultry all-girl rock band, and even some more sultry Euro-Babes and we have a film destined to be as classic as Pagani's scores.

Kate (Jasmine Maimone) is losing it. Her band has a bunch of #1s, but her sultry producer, Lavinia (Maria Cristina Mastrangeli) chews her out for not being able to create any new tunes. Elena (Michel Klippstein) and Rita (Luana Ravegnini) are her guitarist and drummer. Fawning Daniel (Pascal Persaino), an actor in the band's videos, is Mr. Helpful. He purchases a haunting piece of sheet music, written by Paganini. The seller? Satan, of course. Now the band, Daniel, Lavinia, and horror director Mark (Pietro Gennuardi) rent a haunted mansion to film the band's new video. Now Kate and her band have their groove back.

Uh oh, Paganini's devil-worshipping spirit is conjured up. The lovely Rita is first to go as she gets stabbed repeatedly by a violin with a blade. So sad...she was quite the babe. Babes will continue to die horribly, as this is Giallo. My favorite one is when a band member gets eaten by tree fungus...really! Now Kate, Lavinia, and the owner of the mansion, a babe named Sylvia (Daria Nicolodi) must figure out how to stay alive, send Paganini back to Hell, and escape. Oh yeah...the guys...useless...go figure. Babe damsels in much distress are chased and attacked by the otherworldly, and look great in the process. Kate comes up with a really stupid idea...but this is Giallo, so what do we expect.

Will Satan or Paganini enjoy one of these Euro-babes as a bride? Just how useless are Euro-hunks? Wouldn't stomach lining make a better violin string than intestine? The Euro-babes are all sultry and their deaths are gory and imaginative (Just ask Elena about her tree fungus problem). For some nice Giallo and an attractive all-girl band targeted by Satan, see "Paganini Horror."

Killbillies, Killer Slovenian Moonshine

What could be better than beautiful and arrogant European fashion models and moonshine liquor. The only thing better would be if the Swedish Bikini Team showed up with some Old Milwaukee. In the mountainous regions of Slovenia, however, babes and moonshine will have to do. Throw in hillbillies that seek to rape and kill babes, axes, and razors, and we have 2015's "Killbillies," directed by Tornaz Gorkic. Let us take a look at a Slovenian film.

Early on we meet Zina (Nina Ivanisin). A part-time model and actress who happens to be grouchy and quite able to beat anyone up. Her short fuse is shown to us immediately. The beautiful grouch joins fashion photographer Blitcz (Sebastian Cavazza), a real hunk and an annoying blonde model, Mia (Nika Rozman). Mia talks incessantly about herself and we desire her to meet a tortuous death. They head into the mountains for a photo shoot. They pass some hillbillies that look like zombies selling moonshine by the side of the road. The moonshine seems to have weird effects on the consumer, not that regular moonshine does not.

Dragica (Manca Ogorevc) joins them. She is beautiful Unfortunately for our four cosmopolitan Slovenians, Franci (Lotos Sparovec) and Vintir (Jurij Drevensek) arrive. They clobber our models and photographer. The two grotesque hillbillies lock them up in a mountain dungeon. Our beauties better think fast as the hillbillies use Dragica's blood and bodily fluids to make moonshine. The distilling process is quite gory...you'll see. Now Mia and Zina...don't even ask about Blitcz' fate...must strategize and find a way to escape and fight back before they become 150 proof moonshine. The war is on and beauties and hillbillies will get cut up in a graphic manner. Euro models and hillbillies will have a cultural clash that will be blood red.

Will any of our Euro-babes survive the grotesque mountain men? Would stronger government regulation of rural liquor businesses have provided a stronger means of preservation for these Euro-babes? Is using their bodily fluids the only thing our hillbillies desire from the models? Bloody and sometimes heartbreaking, "Killbillies" is quite horrific. For the best film ever made in Slovenia, see "Killbillies." 

Cry for the Bad Man, Evil Men Slaughtered

The best person to slaughter bad men? Yep...the chick from "I Spit on Your Grave."  Camille Keaton did such a fine job at this chore that the 1978 classic became a mini-franchise. Sarah Butler also did a fine job in the recent remake, but Ms. Keaton wasn't quite done. In 2019's "Cry for the Bad Man," she plays a grouchy widow on the defensive when evil power-brokers plot to take her land away.  Directed by Sam Farmer, "Cry for the Bad Man" is another anthem for all women stuck with men who happen to be pigs.

Marsha (Keaton) is a recent widow living in a big old house on some nice land. The evil MacMohan family wants it. She won't sell. Wayne (Scott Peeler) is the evil oldest MacMohan brother threatens to murder Marsha if she doesn't sell. The entire town is in the pocket of the MacMohans'. Even Marsha's daughter, Helena (Karen Konzen) pleads with her to sell. Seeing a fight looming, Marsha gets out all her guns and loads. Uh oh for the bad guys...watch closely and see signs that the MacMohans' may have picked a fight they will live to regret. Also apparent is the fact that Wayne and his brothers never watched "I Spit on Your Grave."

No pussyfooting around in this movie. War! The entire second half of the film. The MacMohan brothers attack. Marsha is waiting. Appendages will be blown off, gut wounds will yield leaking intestines, blood will splatter all over the screen. After all this gore, both sides double down and go in for the kill. Just when the MacMohan brothers seem to be down for the count...their luck changes. Oh yeah...did I mention the garbage disposal carnage...don't try what you see in this film at home.  Just like Jennifer from the 1978 rape/revenge classic, Marsha is bent on bloody homicide.

Will Marsha castrate any of the MacMohan brothers in her bathtub? Just what is in Marsha's past that makes her uniquely qualified to butcher this evil band of brothers? This film is vicious and gory and wastes little time on setting up the dire situation at hand. For a nice tip of the hat to Camille Keaton's performance in "I Spit on Your Grave," see the bloody "Cry for the Bad Man."

Trick or Treats, Negligee Clad Damsel in Much Peril

A nice sleek negligee worn by a sultry damsel...say no more. In a classic slasher motif, she'll spend much of 1982's "Trick or Treats" running away from from all sorts of scares. Oh the perils of accepting a baby-sitting gig at a family of unstable sorts. Jacqueline Giroux has that exotic look and mannerisms that will seduce any movie-goer. Directed by Gary Graver, this not too original film will be enjoyed by modern audiences because of Ms. Giroux's allure.

NFL legends Dan Pastorini and Tim Rossini take Malcolm (Peter Jason) away to the looney-bin. His scheming wife Joan (Carrie Snodgress) had him committed and now controls his vast wealth. She'll find a new hubby (David Carradine) soon. Halloween night, a few years later, Linda is in the middle of a gratuitous shower scene when she is hired to babysit Joan's son, Christopher (Chris Graver). The aspiring actress needs the cash so she accepts. Christopher is a magician and horror film buff and plays sick practical jokes on Linda all night. Linda screams well and is very gullible. Linda will eventually end up in a sleek negligee (don't ask).

The horror fun starts when Malcolm escapes from the insane asylum. He heads back to his house intending to murder his family and anyone who gets in the way. Yep, his wife isn't home, but Linda is. Now the scares will become real. Malcolm will carve up Linda's friend Andrea (Jillian Kesner) and set his sights on Linda. Now running through the house in the negligee, Linda is quite the alluring damsel. Staying alive and protecting the weird Christopher won't be easy.

With a family of nutcases, does Linda have more to fear than Malcolm, the escaped lunatic? Just how did Linda get from an alluring one-piece jumpsuit to a sleek nightgown? Will the sultry negligee-clad Linda attract an over abundance of trick-or-treaters? Fans of 80s slasher fare will love this film. Ms. Giroux plays to the camera so well and one will be in suspense waiting to find out if she will be able to avoid being skewered by Malcolm...or someone else. Start prepping for Halloween early by catching "Trick or Treats."

Final Examination, Bikini Babes Die Horribly

Bikini babes dying horribly, and many times in a state of nakedness, is what defines great cinema. The guys out there see former GFs who dumped them dying horribly, and women see skanks who stole their BFs dying horribly...everyone is a winner. Throw in gratuitous shower scenes, cat-fights, elongated love scenes...and....drum roll...Debbie Rochon and Kari Wuhrer! Yep, today we look at 2003's "Final Examination," directed by Fred Olen Ray.

A coed dies horribly five years ago. Present day, Narc, Shane (Brent Huff), pisses off the DEA and is transferred to Hawaii (how can I piss off the DEA?). Now a cop in Hawaii, his new partner is Julie (Wuhrer). Julie...think babe with a gun...yes! A mysterious magazine publisher organizes a five year reunion/bikini photo shoot (just go with it), of Big Island University, where every coed has great big...eh, smiles! A sultry photographer, Taylor (Rochon) accompanies the attendees/bikini models with her camera. The gals start dying quickly. After gratuitous Jacuzzi scenes and gratuitous shower scenes, Terri (Kim Maddox) is strangled. Julie and Shane are on the case. No matter, the murder of babes continues...Amanda (Kalau Iwaoka) is next...so sad.

Julie and Shane develop some great leads and suspects. Uh oh...Taylor is quite sultry and seduces Shane. Their scene is quite erotic. Bikini babes that are still alive will frolic and engage in cat-fights...gotta love gritty reality in crime thrillers. You guessed it, that tragedy of five years ago has come back to haunt the bikini babes. As two surviving bikini babes (Amy Lindsay and Belinda Gavin) give us some nice love scenes and fight scenes, their ditzi-ness almost gets our cop duo killed. As Julie and Shane seem to close in on the killer, Taylor emerges as a person of great interest...especially to any guy viewing this film.

What did happen five years ago that has sparked a bikini babe massacre? Is this mysterious photographer babe, Taylor, involved in the murders, or a potential victim? Will Julie and Taylor engage in a gratuitous cat-fight? Everyone in this film, even if not a bikini babe, is great looking. Kari Wuhrer has a great bikini scene when Shane has a fantasy dream about her. Taylor's seduction scene will send all you guys to the showers. For some prurient fun and also a nice murder mystery, see "Final Examination."

The Creeping Flesh, Battle of the Mad Scientists

Mad Scientists! Yes! Even better...the two mads in question are Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee as demented half-brothers. Throw in a nubile damsel who turns into a homicidal killer, and a huge monstrous creature bent on spreading evil. This 1973 film is not from Hammer, but the elements that make it up will be familiar to Hammer fans. Today we look at "The Creeping Flesh," directed by Freddie Francis.

Professor Emmanuel Hildren (Cushing) has made quite the discover in New Guinea. He brings home an eight foot skeleton of a monster creature that walked the Earth way before man did. His brother, James (Lee) runs a lunatic asylum for the criminally insane. Emmanuel's wife went completely mad and died as a patient of James'. Oh yes, the nubile Penelope (Lorna Heilbron) was never told about her mom's insanity. Back to the creature...er skeleton. Emmanuel finds out that if water is poured on the thing, flesh will grow back on the bones. He stops it, for now...though you can imagine what's coming. Uh oh again, Penelope begins to go mad, just like her mom did. She becomes quite the slut and goes on a murderous rampage through London's seediest parts.

James' is doing experiments to figure out what causes mental disorders. Good luck! Emmanuel is trying to figure out what to do with a skeleton that wants to become a monster. Penelope is slicing through London brutes like crap through a goose. Yep...rain storms are coming and the three subplots are on a collision course. Of course, the skeleton will get soaked and now an eight foot grotesque fiend is also on the prowl...but with an ambitious purpose.

What does the huge fiend desire and how will that play into James, Emmanuel, and Penelope's fates? Will James be able to capture, study, and experiment on the sultry homicidal nutsoid? Will Emmanuel ever get a clue and do something even remotely useful to stop the spread of evil throughout the world? This is a neat horror story with a far reaching conclusion. For some great interaction between a couple of horror legends, a horrific monster, and a nubile damsel/murderess...see "The Creeping Flesh."

Devil's Den, Vampires vs. Kelly Hu

Kelly Hu is one of the most beautiful actresses of the past 50 years. One of my favorite films is 2009's "The Tournament." In that film, Ms. Hu plays assassin Lai Lai Zhen. The sultry Asian assassin finds redemption after much carnage and soul searching. She survives in that film. Usually, unfortunately, Kelly Hu meets horrible demises in her roles. Today we look at 2006's "Devil's Den," directed by Jeff Burr. In this supernatural horror film she also plays a sultry Asian assassin with a chance at redemption. We can only pray this beautiful woman survives vampire ghouls.

Quinn (Devon Sawa) and Nick (Steven Schub) are small time drug pushers. On their way to sell some Spanish Fly to college girls, they stop off at an out of the way strip club...The Devil's Den. Surprise! Despite being in the middle of nowhere, the strippers are hot. The lead dancer, Jezebel (Dawn Olivieri) takes a liking to Quinn and pulls him in the back for some pre-marital sex. Also in the bar is Leonard (Ken Foree). Uh oh...he's a monster hunter. Monster hunter? Yep...all the sultry strippers are vampire/ghouls and they all change into these creatures and eat all the patrons. Sadly, Nick will be eaten. Leonard pulls out a sword and starts swinging away. Oh yeah, also walking into the Devil's Den is leather clad assassin, Caitlin (Hu).

Caitlin has been hired to kill Quinn...but why and by who? As he follows Quinn and Jezebel to the rear, she pulls out her guns in order to murder Quinn. Then Jezebel changes and Caitlin must use her weapons on her. The bullets merely slow the things down. Decapitating them is the key. Oh, I forgot, Candy (Karen Maxwell) is a busty waitress working her first night at this club. She joins Caitlin, Leonard, and Quinn in trying to survive the vampire horde. Now Leonard recruits the other three to help him kill all the ghouls. Uh oh...the ghouls aren't showing weakness. Uh oh again, Caitlin is starting to like her target, Quinn. Some surprising revelations occur and now Caitlin seeks redemption.

Just who did hire Caitlin...and why is the schmuck Quinn a target for assassination? Does Leonard have a chance at decapitating hordes of vampire ghouls? Will Caitlin and Jezebel involve themselves in the ultimate cat-fight? With a lot of ghouls, gore, and nudity...oh yes, and Kelly Hu in leather, "Devil's Den" is a must see blood bath.

True Love Ways, An Artsy Fartsy Psycho Babe

What if "I Spit On Your Grave" was an artsy fartsy art-house film with subtitles instead of pure exploitation? Let's say it was made in Germany in a surreal style, and shot in black and white to reinforce the artsy-ness of it. Instead of castrations in the tub we are shown close-ups of a white flower for apparently no purpose. Yes...even the intellectual class need brutal rape and gory revenge in their cinematic entertainment. Hence 2014's German film (with subtitles), "True Love Ways," directed by the super intellectual Mathieu Seller.

Weird babe Severine (Anna Hausburg) lounges around in a silk negligee. Her boyfriend Tom (Kai Michael Muller) senses she is drifting away from him. It's an arty, surreal, European film...no kidding, Tom! She wants to go off by herself to think. Indications is that she has issues...but she is a babe, so Tom wants her back. Bright idea! Even better than Hitler's brainstorm to open a second front in WW2. Tom hires a guy he meets at a bar to kidnap Severine. Then the German Einstein will rush in and rescue the blonde damsel...and of course, she will again fall in love with him. Brilliant. These tokens of true love always work...what could go wrong?

Okay, the thug in the bar is into snuff. He films babes being murdered. His greatest hit is his abduction, rape, and murder of Miss Germany...really...you'll see it. Okay, we get some close ups of a flower, a weird girl in a wheel chair who drools, and a crying old woman. Pretend you understand this and everyone will think you're a genius. Now Severine is on the run...she has spunk (probably from being nutsoid herself). Uh oh for the snuff gang...some of that nutsoid translates into homicidal. There'll be decapitations, hatched disembowelment, bludgeoning, and more bloody weirdness. As the thugs chase psycho-babe in order to catch her and put her in a snuff film, psycho-babe begins hunting them.

I realize the makers of this art-house film will scoff at my description of "True Love Ways," but perhaps I am merely helping them honestly come to grips with their carnal sides. Will psycho-babe Severine kill everyone and eat them? Do the European thugs have her just where they want? What's the deal with the white flower and weird little girl in a wheelchair who drools? To be able to tell your intellectual pals that you are one of them, watch "True Love Ways."

Apocalypse Kiss, Serial Killers in the End Times

There's always a silver lining. For example...you might be knocked off by an elusive serial killer...but...there is good news, it might not cut your life short by very much. Okay, we have suave psycho serial killers...we have sultry erotic serial killers...throw in a disillusioned detective who wife's ghost keeps showing up...and some steamy sex and we have 2014's "Apocalypse Kiss," directed by Christian Grillo.

Adrian (D.C. Douglas) is a smooth serial killer in a futuristic society. His murders, he considers, are artwork. Enter two sexy lesbians, Katia (Carmela Hayslett) and Gladys (Tammy Jean). These lesbians provide many erotic moments and kill for thrills and money. Embittered detective Jerry (Tom Detrik) is on the case. He has been trying to catch Adrian for two years. Adrian is enraged when the most recent murder of the erotic duo is attributed to him. Adrian sees himself as an artist and regards the two lesbians as savages. Now he is also trying to find the hot lesbians.

Uh oh...a rogue planet has left its orbit and is hurtling toward Earth. The collision may be in a few days. No matter, Jerry is determined to catch the serial killer...and the erotic duo. When the ghost of Jerry's wife (Bonnie Loev) appears to him he initially believes it is to torment him. Gladys and Katia will have some steamy scenes filled with sex and drugs, and Adrian will have some poetic murder scenes...and all this leads to a weird meeting between them. Finally, Jerry begins putting two and two together and realizes his wife's ghost may be giving him clues to finding the killers. The rogue planet draws nearer and the President (Lloyd Kaufman) has some startling news for the citizens. Even more disconcerting, the erotic duo has some surprises for each other.

Yep, this is a weird one. Sort of a cross between "Red Dragon" and "Blade Runner." Just what does Adrian intend to do to Gladys and Katia when he meets them? Will Jerry catch up to Adrian...or vice versa? Lloyd Kaufman as the President? Film Noir/SciFi/horror...a nice combo, I must say. Erotic and quirky, if you like. For something a little different, watch "Apocalypse Kiss."

White Cannibal Queen, Nubile Blonde Babes Eaten

EuroTrash exploitation! This Jesus Franco film features some of the most excruciating rape scenes...no wait...cannibal scenes in which nubile European babes are pulled apart and digested. The scenes are choreographed like a gang rape scene and the sounds and groans resemble rape scenes. The beautiful actress is stripped, pinned down by a savage horde, and slowly disemboweled. The guys in this film? They just get an arrow in the back or a poison dart in the neck. Oh yes, not all of the babes are eaten. The sultry Sabriana Siani graces us with a tour-de-force performance in which she displays only faint tan lines. Hence, 1980's "White Cannibal Queen" (aka "Cannibals").

An expedition into some Amazon region doesn't go well. Jeremy (Al Cliver) unwisely brings his family along. Cannibals attack their river boat, and his wife (Pamela Stanford) is pinned down, stripped, and eaten by a native horde. Jeremy is captured and his arm is eaten. Just before getting to his shoulder, the cannibals are interrupted as the tribe has captured his young daughter, Lana. The distraction allows the one-armed man to escape. The tribe considers Lana (Siani) a goddess and worships her. She grows up into a blonde beauty who shuns clothes.

Jeremy recovers and puts together an expedition many years later to rescue his daughter. Blonde beauty, Barbara (Shirley Knight) finances it and goes along. This will be an unfortunate move for Barbara as she will also be captured, pinned down by a native horde, stripped, and eaten. Lana emerges all grown up, and married to the chief's son (Antonio Mayans). He grunts a lot and his first foray into sexual intercourse is awkward and savage. Never mind that. Now Jeremy's rescue party is beset. His lover, Ana (Lina Romay) is...well, you can guess. Other beauties in this expedition don't fare any better. Finally Jeremy must rely on Lana's memory. Will she remember him? At the mercy of his brainwashed daughter, Jeremy is bent on rescuing her. The nude goddess controls most of the cards...her jealous husband controls some of them.

Will Jeremy be able to stroke Lana's memories and remind her she was kidnapped and isn't really a goddess? Will her new husband's weird sex moves help Jeremy's cause? Is being a goddess of a savage tribe a better lifestyle than a waitress at Hooters? Lana's choices will be momentous...how will she choose? For some gratuitous nudity, gore, and cannibal action, see "White Cannibal Queen," and enjoy the timeless beauty of Ms. Siani. Director Jesus Franco said Ms. Siani's only redeeming quality as an actress was her butt. Worry not, Ms. Siani is an infinite better actress than Meryl Streep.

Detention, Catholic Carnage

Don't you love films in which every character is evil? Then throw in machine guns and pistols. Yes! Then a couple bottles of Jack Daniels and hot lesbians with a lot of make-out scenes. Oh yes, IMDB gives this one a rating of 1.3/10. Catholic high school girls in trouble...Catholic high school boys in trouble...priests in trouble...nuns in trouble. Many will die horribly in a vicious film about abuse in the church. Hence 2019's "Detention."

Some misbehaving Catholic high school students get detention. Two priests, Father Preston (Gunther Vanhuyse) and Father Salens (Thierry Wybauw) will monitor the misbehaving youths. They aren't very supportive. Tamara (Myrthe Hogeterp) and Sharon (Sharon Slosse) were caught making out in the gym shower. They will be called whores and godless sluts. The boys are just disrespectful. Enter a trio of lunatics, heavily armed. Psycho (Ziva Marshall) has a machine gun and her two nephews, Morgan (Rufus Six) and Billy (Quinten Stoffin) are packing, too. Psycho is just, well...psycho. The boys have a beef. Alumni of the school, they were both sexually abused by the priests. Oh yes, Billy's brother committed suicide after being raped by one of these priests.

Immediately, the three armed lunatics terrorize the priests and students. Psycho will murder one of the boys immediately. Then a nun, Sister Benedicte (Tish Leenknecht) arrives. She rapes schoolgirls in the shower. The evil trio humiliates the students and priests and then get homicidal...more homicidal. The lesbian babe girls make out a lot under the stress. Then a weird turn of events. A bit of a twist occurs and the evil trio is imperiled. Now just about everyone has a gun and the bullets fly. The lesbian girls will make out some more and the Jack Daniels will be liberally passed around.

This film touches on important and frightening points. One wonders if gratuitous lesbian make-out scenes, blood orgies, and nuns and priests getting shredded is the best way to get these points across. Will this film cause a lot of people to open up about the abuses they encountered at Catholic school? I doubt this one will. On the plus side...important social commentary turning into gratuitous exploitation isn't necessarily a bad thing. For an uncomfortable exploitation/horror film that may bring up important sins of the Catholic church, see "Detention," directed by Johan Vandewoostijne.

Oasis of the Zombies, Dead Nazis Revenge

Zombies and Nazis! What a combo! Throw in some beautiful babes and handsome hunks, and a lot of incredibly stupid actions and we have 1982's "Oasis of the Zombies." This is a Jesus Franco film and there are many indications that this great Spanish director wasn't fond of this film. Still, a bad Franco film is infinitely better than the Marvel and DC garbage that permeate our movie theaters today.

In 1943 a homicidal German unit made its way across north Africa. After killing as many Arabs as they could, an ambush ends their journey. At a remote oasis all the Nazi soldiers are killed. Uh oh, they were toting millions of dollars worth of gold. British mercenary Robert, who led the ambush, knows of the gold but won't spill the oasis' location. Decades later, the son of the German commander who led the unit arrives in north Africa seeking the gold. Kurt (Eduardo Fajardo) seeks out Robert and kills him for the map of the oasis. He and his pretty wife (Lina Romay) go for the gold. The zombies arise, strip and eat the wife and a wounded Kurt scampers back to town, now a mad man. Also arriving is Robert's son, Robert, Jr. (Manuel Gelin). He wants to find out what happened to his dad and find the oasis. He has a pretty girlfriend with him, Sylvie (Caroline Audret). Another expedition also arrives for the search. A university professor brings his paramour with him, Erika (France Lomay).

Erika will skinny-dip and have a lot or pe-marital sex before being eaten by zombies.  As Robert brings his crew to the oasis, and the professor brings his party, the zombies get ready. Robert's and the professor's discoveries will be bloody and many will be ripped apart and eaten.

Does Erika's skinny dipping scene foretell her bloody demise? Is this Franco film a thinly veiled message that The Third Reich will indeed rise again? As Spain never went to war with Germany, when everyone else did,  are the Nazi zombies introduced as sympathetic creatures, as opposed to horrific ones? On movie night, ignore anything Disney or Spielberg and watch a film that you will actually enjoy, "Oasis of the Zombies."