Doctor Mordrid, Wizard Wars

Full Moon Entertainment and Jeffrey Combs! I know, you're asking "Where's Barbara Crampton?" Come on, be grateful with two out of three. From 1992 we have "Doctor Mordrid." Okay you New England Patriots fans remember Sam Hunt (big burly guy, hardly alluring nor diminutive)? Today we meet Sam Hunt(Samantha actually) as a babe mortal who develops quite an attraction to a benign wizard...can the two stave off the apocalypse?

Dr. Mordrid (Combs) lives in a New York City apartment building where he has set up headquarters. For what? He watches over the world for hints of evil forces seeking to bring about the start of an evil reign over men. Enter the evil wizard Kabal (Brian Thompson)...he has just escaped from a mystical castle in the sky by melting the eyes of Gunner (Ritch Brinkley), the guard.  Now Kabal reaches Earth and violently accumulates money and precious metals in order to create some spell that will allow him and his demon followers to rule Earth.

Not on Mordrid's watch! As his neighbor, and babe Sam (Yvette Nipar) is brought into the plot, she is Mordrid's only friend. Mordirid is blamed by the cops for the death by blood draining of the naked and nubile Irene (Julie Michaels), a rap we've all had to defend ourselves against at one time or another. In reality, Kabal killed her in a gratuitous scene upon a sacrificial alter...typical in New York. Now Mordrid must flee the police with Sam's help and prepare for a mystical confrontation with Kabal which will include pre-historic beasts, homicidal demon wannabees, and astral projection.

Can Sam, the babe filling in for Barbara Crampton, survive this plot and land her a benign wizard? Will Doctor Mordrid take to Sam or will he wait for Barbara Crampton to avail herself for a sequel? If Kabal is able to release thousands of imprisoned demons onto New York City...will anyone notice? For a light frothy romp through an apocalyptic plot featuring Jeffrey Combs and a nubile babe, take in "Doctor Mordrid," directed by Charles and Albert Band.

Paranormal Highway, Debate Team Carnage

Debate team! Ha...yes! Only need to say 'debate team' and you all start drooling. Today we have a neat one about a very intelligent debate team beset by space creatures who shoot slime at them. The movie we have all been waiting for. [RESOLVED: A cheerleadeing squad beset by slime creatures would draw in more viewers than a victimized debate team]. Okay, its not a cheerleadeing squad, nor is it some sultry female wrestling troupe, but hey...aren't brains more important than sexiness? Hence 2017's "Paranormal Highway."

The Key West College debate team is en route, by bus, to the national finals in L.A....actually, not L.A., nor Paris, nor London...but Birmingham, Alabama! Hey, its debate, not football. Coaches Ron and Emily (Paul Waterman and Sharon DeRidder) are the coaches, and the married couple will celebrate their 36th anniversary on this trip. Oh so cute, the hunk Josh (Trini Kirtsey) and babe Jaiden (Carla Brown) are married debaters and she is pregnant. Even better, alternate Carlos Montoya (Alberto Martinez) is a ventriloquist and he has a monkey doll. But wait, Julie (Allisun Zagar) is a babe and we get to see her in a bikini. Even more important, the debate topic is...polar bears? Just go with that. We'll have non-gratuitous pool scenes and Papa John Pizza eating scenes...hey, this is a film about a debate team, not a cheerleading squad.

The bus breaks down and the creatures attack. What are they? Where are they from? They slime the bus and one by one drag off the coaches and debaters. No cell phone service exists in northern Florida and bright lights from the sky suggest something extraterrestrial. The very intelligent debaters begin to unravel and we kinda begin pulling for the nubile and cute Madison (Cassandra Giles)...so sad. The onslaught seems unstoppable. Uh oh...this attack on the debate team may not be an isolated incident and detective Kim (Brittany Levinson) will be victimized by the fiends as well. As the slime flows more freely and the debate club numbers dwindle, we begin to see a lot more than the national championship is at stake here.

[RESOLVED: A bus of sultry stewardesses beset by slimy space aliens would also have drawn more viewers than a debate team]. Will Key West College make it to the national finals? Do the slimy creatures have special plans for the bikini babe and the nubile Madison? Is all this moot? In all fairness, the actors and actresses who portray the debaters are quite good looking. Directed by Forrest and Brent Peterson, "Paranormal Highway" is more science fiction/horror than paranormal in make-up, which makes this a film you will want to find.

Axegrinder, Run Laura Run!

Laura? Good question...not our favorite Emanuelle, Laura Gemser. Actually...it might be. Confused? You'll have to see 2006's "Axegrinder" (aka "2 Young 2 Die") in its entirety to find out the answer to that mystery. Our Laura in this film is played by Cassie Daniels. 50% (only a slight exaggeration) of "Axegrinder" is dedicated to shots of Cassie Daniels, clad in a tight green halter top, jiggling very erotically as she runs for her life through the woods. She would have done well on "Baywatch."

There is a backstory to explain our axe wielding maniac, Freddy Palmer (Jed Rowen). We'll skip it here and go right to a group of three hunks and three babes heading into the woods for camping, alcohol abuse, and wild pre-marital sex. Just before their arrival, two hot lesbians (Gina Valona and April Betts) are axed to pieces while having wild sex. Also in this camping party is the slut Shelley (Berna Roberts), the deviant sex addict Donna (Jennider Peo), the nerd James (Chris Todd), Laura's BF Bobby (Freddy Morales), and Mike (J.P. Edwards)...I forget who's BF he is. Then our axe-wielding maniac arrives and begins chopping away, one hot hunk or babe at a time.

As the beautiful fall, Laura will run through the woods a lot bouncing up and down. Uh oh, there is a cabin, and all the hunks or babes that run to it for help will be in for a horrific surprise as soon as they open...well, you'll see. Then Laura runs through the forest some more bouncing up and down. Shelley will give us a gratuitous bikini scene just before she is...well, you'll see. Then the final 20 minutes...its wild and you'll have to watch closely....though Laura will continue running through the woods (she must have done 10 good miles in this film). The ending will hold some surprises and intense gore and the revelation of the true killer will be shocking.

A minor B actress, Cassie Daniels enjoyed her biggest role in this film. Did I mention she runs very well, especially through the woods? Why wasn't Cassie Daniels ever on "Baywatch"? What does Laura Gemser as "Emanuelle" have to do with this film? If someone ever wants to make a redneck "Emanuelle," Cassie Daniels would be the perfect one to cast. There are a lot of gory kills in this one and the axe-wielding maniac is quite ambitious. For some great slasher fun, with elements of "Baywatch" and "Emanuelle" thrown in, enjoy "Axegrinder" (directed by David Palmieri).

Flight 666, Red Eye into the Paranormal

You ever notice that flight attendants strut onto airplanes wearing heels (at least three inches)? Yep, but magically, when the flight commences the heels are gone in favor of flat bottoms. Not in the movies, however. In films, the heels stay on. Our stewardess in much peril today is Alice, played by Liz Fenning. Not only does she keep her heels on, but her uniform is a bit too tight for comfort on a six-hour 'red-eye' from coast-to-coast. Clad in high heels, a tight skirt, even tighter blouse, she'll deal with unruly passengers, disgusting (maggot-infested) in-flight meals, and angry ghosts.

As our film begins Pan US Air flight 57 is headed to New York and is engulfed in a storm. Its a bad one and there's no shaking it. The passengers and crew are being tossed about and Alice is doing everything her training has taught her to keep order. Uh oh, Mr. Peck (Justin Hoffmeister) thinks he saw something otherworldly on the wing and he's spooked...panicked, actually. Air Marshal Thad (Jose Rosete) restrains him. Pretty Alice tries to calm the not-yet-panicked passengers but when she serves a maggot infested salad, well, morale heads south. Uh oh, now Alice may have seen something out the window and pretty passengers Danika (Clarissa Thibeaux) and Anna (Renee Willett) have encounters with a menacing ghost in the cabin's lavatory which brings them...well, you'll see.

The storm gets worse and everyone on the plane is unhinged except the sultry stewardess, Alice. Whatever the ghost wants, it is not happy it doesn't have the full attention of the passengers and crew. Possession, weird noises, and the arrival of more menacing specters further dampen the mood of the NYC bound passengers. As Alice and the passengers put two and two together, they have to admit to themselves that something paranormal is going on. They also figure out the ghosts desire them to do something...but what? As Alice in her tight stewardess get-up and the passengers get tossed around some more, the haunted onslaught increases.

Why are the ghosts aboard Pan US Air flight 57, and what do they want the mortals to do? Will Alice find love amid the turmoil and turbulence, and is her impractical footwear selection a conduit for the paranormal? Are the passengers and Alice in danger from more than the ghosts and storm? This is a nice standard ghost story set at 36,000 feet. The cast provides a lot of beefcake and cheesecake and next time you get stuck on a domestic leg with homely stewardesses...remember Alice from "Flight 666." Oh, by the way, this is film is from The Asylum and directed by Rob Pallatina.

Sector 7, Motorcycle Babe vs. Sea Monster

Actually, more precisely, motorcycle babe vs. sea monster, on an oil rig! A gem from South Korea featuring a sultry and tough-as-nails heroine and a toothy, slimy, invincible beast from 10,000 feet. Hence 2011's "Sector 7." Ji-won Ha, the Korean beauty who plays the heroin, and her character in this film, is actually the inspiration of a character I created in my upcoming novel "Ghosts of Brisbane." More on that later in 2019.

In 1985 a weird diving accident to repair a drill 10,000 feet below the surface kills Hae-joon's (Ha) dad. Present day, Hae-joon is part of the crew on an oil rig. She is tough, beautiful, swings from derricks, races motorcycles, and always looks really good. The rig is going to be shut down...no oil. Uh oh, after Hae-joon's uncle arrives, oil is mysteriously found...and something finds them. At first, jubilation. Guess what! There is a sultry geneticist on board the rig (Ye-ryeon Cha). Is it just because she is really good looking? Nope. Whatever she is breeding in her lab...well, apparently it gets out. The sultry geneticist will be killed (very sad) and she is only the first.

The creature, starts going through crewmen like crap through a goose. Hae-joon and the other survivors are chased through the cavernous rig and because of her uncle (Han-wi Lee) learns of vulnerabilities of the beast. Wait...how did he know? The thing is laying a ton of eggs and is getting meaner. Uh oh...we find out the uncle didn't return to the rig to find oil...but to find something else. Hae-joon will lose many friends and now its personal. With her motorcycle (standard equipment on an oil rig) she will undertake an unlikely venture to save humanity and exert some revenge.

What were those secret experiments of the beautiful geneticist in the secret lab on the ill-fated rig? Will our motorcycle babe be able to fend off and then destroy the sea monster? What exactly happened in 1985 that has caused this war-at-sea? This is an action-packed "Die Hard" type monster film. Ji-won Ha is on the screen constantly and plays to the camera well. Think of her when you read about Miss Ha in the upcoming novel "Ghosts of Brisbane."

The Night Crew, Vampire Babe South of the Border

We've been screaming for it for years...a film about a Chinese stripper who relocates to Mexico and becomes the vampire bride of Danny Trejo. Yes! In what could've been a Paul Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino film, 2015's "The Night Crew" is so satisfying on so many levels. Yep...a sultry vampire babe and a bunch of hunks...and a couple more beauties. Throw in a vicious drug cartel, a lot of machine gun fights, and even some eroticism...enough said.

There is probably a great backstory but as our film begins Chinese stripper Mae (Chasty Ballesteros) is plying her trade in a cheap establishment outside Tijuana. Uh oh, cartel boss Aguilar (Trejo) wants her back. As Mae gets rough on some customers who try to paw her, Aguilar's men make a move to re-capture her. They almost succeed...except there is a warrant for her in the States and a team of bounty hunters headed by Wade (Luke Goss) draw down on the cartel thugs and take Mae. Outside the dark dingy strip club, the Mexican sun shines bright...uh oh, the sunlight makes Mae deathly ill. Wade treats Mae like a lady, something she isn't used to...this ticks off one of his team members, the beautiful Rose (Luciana Faulhaber). Rose and Mae will have some confrontations and it appears Mae would either like to eat her literally...or figuratively.

Uh oh, Aguilar, who is deathly sick during the day and perks up at nightfall, sends his henchmen in pursuit. They chase Wade's team to an abandoned Mexican motel where Mae perks up...nightfall, right, you're catching on. Dozens of cartel thugs with machine-guns arrive and a major fight erupts. Mae and Rose continue feuding and all is looking hopeless for the dwindling bounty hunter team. Now its time for Mae to reveal a few surprises. Mae is no fan of mortals but when she sees Wade caring about his men (and Rose), and also promise Mae that he will die before handing her back to Aguilar, she is touched and chooses sides, which won't bode well for the cartel thugs.

What exactly does Mae have in mind for Rose's fate? Will hunk Wade land either Rose or Mae for some passionate, and perhaps bloody, pre-marital sex? With a team of well armed bounty hunters as her new friends, may Mae decide to pay her nemesis, Aguilar, a toothy visit? This is a good one and plays out like a grind-house comic book. For an erotic and menacing performance by Chasty Ballesteros, and a lot of hunk guys (translation: good cheesecake...good beefcake), enjoy "The Night Crew," directed by Christian Sesma.

Bigfoot Country, Irony and Sasquatch

Bigfoot country...right! Certainly not dating country...or brains country. Okay, many of you won't like this film, 2017's "Bigfoot Country," but...well...I did! Yeah, there are a lot of flaws with this one...unless you take it as a whole. No spoilers, but the very ending was deep and merits thought. As the final credits roll, you might want to have a conversation with yourself starting with, " ...what just happened?"

Two hunks and two babes head on a hike through the British Columbia forest. Bryce (Hans Potter) has emerged as the bloke we want to see get picked apart by Sasquatch first. Bryce's crude behavior wins him the favor of babe Carly (Brooke Walker). Everything about Brooke says "...I will die first in horrible fashion." Then there is the very pretty Kiera (Kiana Passmore) who looks like a great candidate for 'final-girl.' Then there's Andy...major league hunk...too shy to let Kiera know he is hot for her. The four make it through the woods with the smoothness of a junior high school dance. As Bryce continues to annoy, Carly searches for pre-marital sex, and Andy and Kiera figure out that men and women get together and...well...you know...a monster begins stalking them.

At first the big hairy thing is curious, but when Bryce pulls a boneheaded move to annoy it, the hunt begins...or does it? At no point do we believe our quartet have any kind of chance at survival. As the monster gets closer and puts hands on the human intruders, our humans act...with the intelligence of a dead mackerel. Then irony rears its ugly head...and it is uglier than an angry Sasquatch.  Blood will flow and tortuous demises await at least some of our human cast members.

Will Bigfoot do away with all four of the humans? Is Bigfoot really the enemy which our quartet need to worry most over? Will Andy get a clue and engage in pre-marital sex with Kiera before Sasquatch does? If you choose to watch this film, hang in their through the very end. The last shot says so much and will be quite thought provoking. Enjoy "Bigfoot Country," a film directed by Jason Mills.

Iron Wolf, A Nazi Werewolf

From Germany we have the definitive film ever made about the plight of the Nazis toward the end of World War 2. Okay, maybe that is a slight exaggeration. We do have a monster movie though that includes the classic line, "Its a G** D***ed f***ed up Nazi monster!" True poetry. This is one of those rare films that we actually hope everyone in it dies a horrible death. From David Bruckner and Jens Nier, let us dive into 2013's "Iron Wolf."

The war isn't going well so mad Nazi scientist, Dr. Muller (Urs Remond), comes up with a brilliant idea. He splices werewolf genes with German Shepherd genes and creates a werewolf, who dresses in an SS uniform, and only kills Russians and people who don't worship Hitler. Why didn't they think of that in 1938? Fortunately they didn't and before they can release it on the Eastern Front, the Russians destroy the lab. 65 years later, Punk Rocker Spike Jones (Dominik Starck) and his crew arrive. They plan a reunion concert (NO!!!!!!!) on the site of the ruined lab. They all hate Nazis and find Nazi paraphernalia and either piss on it, vomit on it, or burn it.

Uh oh, Spike accidentally opens a door which allows the werewolf to escape. The fiend can't be killed and survived in its cell. Fortunately for Spike's GF Jersey (Carolina Rath), he had pre-marital sex with her first. The wolf kills Spike and goes on a rampage. Jersey then finds Spike's brother, Leon (Roland Freitag)...who might be a Fascist, and seeks to have pre-marital sex with him. Now the wolf goes through Spike's crew like crap through a goose. Uh oh again...Jersey is scratched (all us horror film fans know what that means). As the fiend, still clad in a SS uniform, rids Germany of pacifist punk rockers, Leon and Jersey figure out how to kill a werewolf.

Will Jersey and Leon be able to kill the Nazi werewolf or will the Hitler era fiend go through Angela Merkel's Germany like crap through a goose? Will Germany's punk rock scene take a major hit from our hairy friend? Is Jersey destined to become a she-wolf, or is that pretty standard for female punk rock groupies? "Iron Wolf" is a much maligned werewolf flick, but it does leave us a question we can't help asking ourselves, "is Europe really better off having Angela Merkel run the European Union?"

Symptoms, Lesbian Necrophilia

Okay...there I go again. A cheap and gratuitous attempt to boost the readership of this blog. Just string a couple of provocative words together and every deviant in the Americas, Asia, and Europe click on my posting. But seriously...what kind of loser would choose the words 'lesbian' and 'necrophilia' to complete the task? After all, no films out there are about lesbian necrophilia...or are there? Hence 1974's drive-in epic..."Symptoms."

She's nuts! Helen (Angela Pleasance, a spitting image of her dad) needs companionship while she convalesces. Convalesces from what? It is never made clear but a pretty good guess is that she went totally nutsoid. Pretty writer, and friend of Helen, Anne (Lorna Heilbron) accompanies the nut-case to her country estate. The two friends get what they want. Anne has a quiet place to write (probably cheap romance novels), and Helen gets a friend to keep her company. Uh oh...where's Cora (Marie-Paule Mailleux)? Cora had this job before Anne, and she and Helen were close, at least in Helen's mind they were.

The weirdness starts. Bodies get pulled out of a nearby lake by a weird caretaker. Then Helen kisses and caresses Anne. Then Anne is awoken by sounds of Helen having passionate sex in the bedroom next door. Anne also has an inkling someone else is in the house. As Helen keeps emanating sounds of sexual passion, we get indications that Cora is her sex partner...but why is she hiding from Anne? No spoilers here, but it is obvious that director Jose Ramon Larraz was heavily influenced by Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho." The murders explode and one wonders why Anne has really been brought to the house by the nutsoid Helen.

Euro-trash may be the moniker for "Symptoms" which is unfortunate because the intention was to create an artsy-fartsy horror film. Unfortunately, throw lesbianism and necrophilia into the plot and then you have a drive-in crowd as your audience. Where is Cora? Is she dead, or Helen's lover...or both? What will Anne's fate be? Is Helen as bonkers as Norman Bates was? Not for everyone...like lesbian necrophilia could be for everyone...but fans of obscure and deviant horror may enjoy "Symptoms."

Cemetery Gates, Low Budget Horror and a Tasmanian Devil

All you filmmakers who read this blog can relate. Yep, its probably happened to you dozens of times. You try to film a low-budget horror film in an abandoned cemetery and a low budget genetically enhanced Tasmanian Devil shows up and eats your playboy playmate actress. Don't you hate when that happens? Hence 2006's "Cemetery Gates," which stars that guy from "Phantasm"...Reggie Bannister.

Two mad scientists, Belmont (Reggie Bannister) and the sultry Christine (Aime Wolf) have created a monster...a genetically enhanced Tasmanian Devil. The beast is the size of a bear and is all homicidal. Not knowing this, two eco-activists break into the lab to free the lab animals...this won't go well. They free the fiend and as thanks, the fiend eats them (I know, a metaphor for life). The thing is now loose in the woods as Belmont's son, Hunter (Peter Stickles) brings a film crew to an abandoned cemetery to shoot a low budget zombie film. With him is the pretty Kym (Nicole DuPort) and playmate August (Kristen Novak). Two actors (Chris Finch and Kyle Evans) are also there.

As the filming starts, August does anything she can to strip nude, have pre-marital sex, and smoke marijuana. The fiend? Its working its way to the cemetery eating everyone it meets. As the monster disembowels poor schmucks, Kym and Hunter fall in love and kiss a lot. Now the thing has reached the cemetery and Belmont and Christine are hot on its tail. The toothy menace seems unstoppable and now has smelled cast and crew and it is hungry.

Does playmate August have any shot at surviving in this film? Will Kym and Hunter continue to fall in love as the toothy menace eats their crew? Will our mad scientists be able to offer any help in saving the playmate and others in the abandoned cemetery? This is a gory one and the blood spurts all over the place. Arms and legs will fly, intestines will be yanked out, and heads will be crushed. The actors and actresses offer great beefcake and cheesecake and our playmate delivers the gratuity. For a bloody monster flick, enjoy "Cemetery Gates," directed by Roy Knyrim.

Warriors of the Apocalypse, Babes vs. Zombies and Men

After World War 3, not everything has changed. Men are still pigs! Even the zombies are men...and dead pigs. To be a babe in an apocalyptic wasteland will have hazards that are...well...similar to the hazards babes have now. Hence 2009's "Warriors of the Apocalypse," shot in Erie, Pennsylvania by Len Kabasinski. With great choreographed fight scenes (Kabasinski is an MMA fighter) and leather and fishnet clad beauties, we have another great film containing much gratuity, cheesecake, beefcake, and fighting.

World War 3 has ended...and the wastelands are dotted with a few surviving tribes and a lot of flesh eating zombies. Three vixens led by Spring (Pamela Sutch) and accompanied by Luca (Darian Caine) and Vic (Amara Arielle Offhaus) are put upon by men seeking to rape and enslavement. They pull a fast one and raid the compound and engage in a bloody gun battle and vicious hand-to-hand combat. They win and abscond with a lot of guns including a Gatling gun and Carrie (Renee Porada). Carrie is another blonde babe who recognizes her chances are better with the three vixens than the men pigs! The three also free Harris (Brian Anthony). Harris is quite a hunk...and not a pig.

Harris agrees to lead the four babes into the city. The city is run by dictator Rollins (Debbie D). This tyrant likes to skinny dip with handguns...really. Harris desires to kill Rollins as this fiend murdered his family. Now our four gals and one hunk are pursued by the Seattle Seahawks (Kabasinski, Brian Heffron, Deanna Vusalle, etc). Yes...I said the Seattle Seahawks. Led by Largent, the Seahwks want to slaughter the renegade babes...fishnets and all. The babes (half BDSM half Goth) are quite capable and have a Gatling gun now. Heads will be blown off, zombies will eat a lot of flesh...and perhaps the Oakland Raiders are also in pursuit.

Will our four babes and one hunk find happiness in the city, or will they get cut down by an inconsistent offense and a defense plagued by stupid penalties? Why does leather and fishnets seem so right as female accessories during the apocalypse? Has there ever been a bad movie that has utilized a Gatling gun? The cast is great looking giving this film  high beefcake and cheesecake ratings. For another great epic not to be discussed at book club meetings, or church...enjoy "Warriors of the Apocalypse."

Firecracker, Fighting and Loving in the Philippines

I guess we all have our 'travel to southeast Asia and frolic' stories. A bar fight here, a drug gang there, a prostitution ring here, a back-alley casino there...and even a fight-to-the-death story. A right of passage that tops any fraternity or sorority hazing, indeed. Hence from Cirio H. Santiago ( the man who brought us "Wheels of Fire") we have 1981's "Firecracker."

Pretty Bonny (Carolyn Smith) is murdered in Manila shortly after she uncovers a vicious drug ring. This drug ring also runs an illegal joint which features wagering on martial arts fights to the death. Looking for her sister, the sultry Susanna (Jillian Kesner) arrives. The tall blonde PE major from UCLA and black belt doesn't quite blend and immediately two thugs follow her to her hotel room. Clad in white lingerie, Susanna disposes of her tormentors. Now she hits the streets of Manila asking about her sister...big mistake. Susanna is directed to the aforementioned fight club. There she meets hunk Chuck (Darby Hinton). Chuck falls in love with the California blonde and urges the club to allow her to compete.

Meanwhile Erik (Ken Metcalfe) is suspicious of Susanna as he also controls a large drug cartel in Manila. Chuck vouches for her not knowing Susanna is suspicious that he may have been involved in her sister's disappearance. Uh oh...Bonny does show up dead and Susanna finds out that Chuck killed her. So what does she do? Right! She goes to Chuck's place and allows him to subject her to deviant sex with daggers...really. Susanna will be chased again and the bad guys manage to cut all her clothes off before she fights back and kills them. Now Susanna is ready...she tells Erik that she wants to fight to the death at the illegal club...and guess who she wants to fight?

Will Susanna avenge the death of her sister and if so will she do it clothed or naked? Can Chuck's very satisfying performance in bed with Susanna temper her anger toward him for killing pretty Bonny? Will the naked martial arts action of Susanna catch on here in the States? This is a fun, gratuitous, and surprisingly gory tale of girl-shreds-cartel story. From the Philippines, enjoy "Firecracker."

Death Beckons, A Video Duo from Andy Van Scoyoc

Are you a twenty something or an octogenarian? Do you have an eternal perspective...or a 'death-is-the-end' perspective? Is nature something to be admired and inspired by...or is it an integral partner in our journey on this mortal coil? How you answer these questions might sway how you view two very Bohemian videos from my old buddy Andy Van Scoyoc of Destination Desolation Productions (who isn't old, btw). Both appear on YouTube and can be seen by clicking these links ( A Walk With the Dead and When Death Speaks...Don't Listen ).

Both of these eerie, but strangely comforting pieces involve old mossy trees being riddled with either a slight breeze or a more ominous gale. Ah, the wind through the trees mocking our years on Earth through time. The New Age type music selected by Andy enhances our voyage through "A Walk With The Dead." The old tree may be dying soon (as we may) and it is so accepting of the ominous and comforting winds of fate. Surely a new sapling would have a different reaction. Does the certainty of nature's cycle beckon us and if so, are we honored to follow....or frightened? Again, the answers to the questions in the opening lines may hold the answer to this question.

"When Death Speaks...Don't Listen" may be the mantra of one with the luxury of youth. That's understandable. However, a lack of an eternal perspective may cause us to grab this advice, also. As Andy shows us, the ever increasing wind speeding along the law of thermal dynamics is a way for nature to remind us our existences on Earth are ephemeral. Fear takes over..."it can't end!!!" we may shriek. Those deniers of fate may see a threatening video here where nature...the trees...the moss shaking in the wind...and even the not so bright sun shining through as mocking our desire for immortality. Comforting or not, nature's character in these videos, reminds us that we can't fight it.

Is Andy showing us that we have a guide, spiritual and/or literal that will take care of us through the ultimate transition? The music she has chosen, heavy on chimes and percussion suggest that nature cares about us and won't let us alone. Or perhaps Andy has put together an artsy-fartsy jaunt through a mossy park in south Florida (hey, nothing wrong with that). Either way, my friend has put together two companion videos that will relax and comfort, or unnerve and shake your view of what waits at the next sign post.

Fly Me, Stewardess-Sploitation Galore

Joan Rivers called them 'high-flying hookers.' Fans of exploitation films love them. Stewardesses! The exploitation sub-genre of stewardess-sploitation hit a high in the 1970s with epics such as Ursula Andress' "Loaded Guns." Today we look at 1973's "Fly Me" where these beauties of the airways will be naked a lot, engage in much pre-marital sex, be put in much peril, raped, humiliated, engage in cat-fights, and fall in love. From The Philippines, our buddy Cirio H. Santiago gives us a very gratuitous, violent, and prurient tale of three sultry stewardesses getting involved in much more than they can handle.

Sultry stewardess Toby (Pat Anderson) hops into a cab, strips out of a bikini, and dons a stewardess outfit..."Fly Me" has begun. She joins her two colleagues Andrea (Lenora Kasdorf) and Sherry (Lyllah Torena). Their L.A. to Hong Kong flight sees Toby finding a hunk BF Doctor David (Richard Young). Once in Hong Kong, Andrea searches for her missing BF and gets Kung Fu goons chasing her. Sherry will be abducted by a white slavery ring, be beaten, raped, and sold into prostitution. Toby will continue to romance her hunk doctor.

Andrea, always looking good in a tight wardrobe will be attacked by Kung Fu guys which she will disarm as they disrobe her. Two Kung Fu babes will also try to knock out Andrea. Meanwhile Sherry will be pummeled some more and raped some more. Toby will find ways to get naked with David. As Andrea searches for her missing beau, a mysterious man befriends her, disrobes her, and has pre-marital sex with her. Uh oh, the white slavery ring, through no fault of her own, abducts Toby. Uh oh, Andrea's BF's disappearance is connected to this ring. The conclusion of this epic tale will see all three stewardesses naked and put in much peril.

Will the stewardess mindset of taking care of business help them overcome the evil white slavery ring? Just who is Andrea's BF and how about her new mysterious paramour? Will the sexy stewardess, clad in tight fashionable costumes make a comeback in America's airlines? Gratuitous, violent, and very exploitative, "Fly Me" is one of those films you can re-watch endlessly but never discuss in book club meetings. Enjoy!

Amityville Exorcism, HGTV Does Possession

Seeing that 2017's "Amityville Exorcism" was a Polonia Brothers film starring my buddy Jeff Kirkendall...well, it moved to the top of my "To See" list. What unfolded before my eager eyes was true poetry. Picture "The Exorcism" with a heavy dose of "The Amityville Horror" and a healthy smattering of HGTV's "Fixer Upper." That's what we have today. I know many of you wonder what would happen if Joanna Gaines succumbed to Satanic possession...well...here it is.

Okay, Father Jones (Steve Diasparra) successfully exorcises the dreaded Amityville house. Actually, "successfully" is a relative term...you'll see. Bad news, an industrious carpenter salvages some lumber from the cursed house and uses it to put in new floors at Jeremy Dukane's (James Carolus) home. Oh yes...that carpenter will be executed for hammering his family to death. Father Benna (Kirkendall) takes this schmuck's confession and now knows the lumber has carried the evil to the Dukane household.

Ahhhh...Amy Dukane (Marie DeLorenzo)...very pretty...will grow increasingly ugly as a red demon possesses her. This demon killed Benna's brother and seeks to kill him as well. As the cursed spare lumber, and Amy turn homicidal, Benna introduces himself to Jeremy. The barely sober Jeremy seeks to save his daughter and rid his home of demons. As the red demon gets bolder and more homicidal, Benna and Jeremy form an awkward alliance armed with holy water, a crucifix, and a level of faith which better increase if they plan to defeat the demons. As Amy's spooky dolls become spookier and attack, the nubile daughter grows increasingly hideous and disgusting.

Can Father Benna avenge the death of his brother and save Amy from an eternity of satanic torment? Will the satanic lumber and spooky dolls team up to create a show for HGTV? Will the possession of Joanna Gaines (...not that I'm saying she is possessed...but if she was...) result in back-splash adorned with pentagrams and a rotting flesh Yankee candle in an upcoming show?  The Polonia Brothers and Jeff Kirkendall have given us another winner, so do yourself a favor and pull up this C movie and enjoy.

River of Darkness, WWF Meets Ghosts

I'm not a huge wrestling fan. Unless we're talking G.L.O.W., W.O,W., or Gail Kim, I usually don't pay much attention. However, a bunch of the WWF wrestlers made a movie, primarily Kurt Angle. Say what you want, and IMDB gave 2011's "River of Darkness a 2.1/10 rating, this film and Mr. Angle's performance are better than any of the losers in "The Avengers'...or "Thor"...or "Captain America"...or the new "Wonder Woman." Oh yes...say what you want about the acting in this one, Lindsey Carothers as the babe paranormal researcher is not only very good, her character ends up...well, you'll see.

Sheriff Logan (Angle) has a problem. No one likes him and his personality was purchased at The Dollar Store. This won't deter three evil ghosts who emanate from the fog, the Jacobs brothers (Kevin Nash, Sid Eudy, and Bill Laing). These unfortunates were framed for a rape they didn't commit and murdered by vigilante townsfolk. Decades later, just like that Adrienne Barbeau film, they come back seeking revenge with harpoons and big fishing hooks. Right away they start killing...a waitress is crucified (and noodled...you rednecks will know what that is), and a couple of fishing guys are harpooned and hooked.

The trio desire a good ole boy named Hix (S. William Hinzman) who spearheaded the effort to murder them. Meanwhile Sheriff Logan remains a paranormal skeptic and eschews help from townsfolk who do believe in ghosts. Oh yes...enter three ill-equipped paranormal investigators...two will be shredded in quick fashion but Autumn (Carothers)...well, let us just say she has an interest other than ghosts to be on this investigation. As our ghosts go through townsfolk like crap through a goose on their way to Hix, the sheriff continues to spin his wheels...and Autumn the ghost hunter? Well...you'll see. She is attractive so we pull for her.

Will the three ghosts be satisfied killing the peeps who murdered them and their kinfolk? Will the sheriff develop a personality and maybe make a move on the attractive Autumn the ghost hunter? Will we ever get another wrestling horror story featuring Gail Kim, and The Asian Invasion? This is a fun one and before you criticize the acting, it is better than any performance of Gal Gadot or the fellow who played Thor. Enjoy "River of Darkness," directed by Bruce Koehler.