The Corpse Grinders, Why Dogs Are Better Than Cats

People who hate cats will utter this warning, "If you die, your dog will guard your body.  However, if you die and have cats, the cats will eat your body."  Hence Ted V. Mikels' 1971 classic B movie, The Corpse Grinders.  Just the title and the box art on the DVD are enough to give this work a thumbs up.  Okay, the acting isn't great, but how many of today's A-listers can act?

The plot:  A gourmet cat food company realizes that sales increase when they add human remains to the cat food.  The cats love it.  The company uses a couple of geek-ish grave robbers to supply the human bodies, which are then put through a meat grinder and added to the cat delicacy.  Coincidentally, a doctor and his beautiful nurse notice that they are treating a lot more people who have been viciously attacked by their pet Tabbys.  See, once the cat tastes human flesh....it will never again settle for Purina.  The nurse, played by Monika Kelly, first traces this conspiracy to the cat food factory.  When she is discovered it is a race against time to save her from the meat grinder.

The Corpse Grinders throws in lots of elements we like to see in our B horror movies.  Meat Grinders. Grave robbers.  A beautiful nurse in peril.  Attacking animals. Gore.  This flick may not have the smoothest plot, but you B movie lovers won't regret seeing it instead of those purple smurfs in Avatar.

The Survivor, Huge Influence on Today's Horror Flicks

No one paid attention to the Australian horror film, The Survivor, when it hit the screen in 1981.  In fact, over the past 32 years, other than me, no one else has noticed The Survivor either.  That is not quite true, it is obvious that this effective chiller influenced M. Night Shyamalan when he made Unbreakable (2000) and The Sixth Sense (1999).  The goose-bump factor those two films deliver is also present in this film which stars one of my favorite actresses, Jenny Agutter.

The very creepy plot:  Moments after take-off, a 747 crashes.  The huge explosion kills all 300 passengers and crew.  But wait, there is one survivor!  The Captain is found wandering, in a daze, from the fiery wreckage of the plane.  He has no injuries, and no memory as to what has just occurred.  The subsequent government investigation concludes that there is no way this pilot could have survived, and a bomb might have caused the crash.  The surviving pilot is now a suspect, and he must conduct his own investigation as to what happened.

Enter Hobbs, played by Jenny Agutter (Logan's Run and Equus), a woman who just happens to be communicating with the restless spirits of those who perished during the crash.  She guides the Captain during his personal investigation with horrific results.  Both of them need to be careful, as those who are finding answers to this mystery are being murdered in horrible ways.

The story was written by James Herbert (Dune) and filmed in Adelaide Hills in South Australia.  The crash depicted at the start of this film is frightening.  Joseph Cotton (Baron Blood) does a good job as a priest.  Jenny Agutter is elegant and mysterious, and does a fine job as a medium who knows more than she is letting on.  Robert Powell is fantastic as the pilot who is tortured with guilt.

If Ordinary People did not float your boat in the early 1980s, check out The Survivor...you'll sleep with the lights on if you do.

 

Priest, A Post Apocalyptic World, Vampires and 3D...Need I Say More?

Priest hit the movie screens in wonderful 3D back in 2011.  As with most movies that I go ape over, not many people went to see it.  Sure it was a flawed movie........as if Gravity and Captain Phillips are not!  Unlike any Diane Keaton movie, this one had scary vampires, lotsa guns, futuristic motorcycles, old steam engine-trains, an old-western town, and some monsters.  For those of you bent on avoiding Disney's Frozen this holiday season, get the Priest DVD!

The plot:  A post-apocalyptic wasteland in the middle of nowhere is dotted with a futuristic city, run and protected by the Church.  Walls surround this cramped, dark city, which protect them from monstrous vampires which roam the wastelands in packs.  The Church and the vampire hordes are in a form of détente, or at least the Church says so.  A group of militant priests with superior fighting/killing talents, who used to war with these vampires, have been ordered to stand down by the Church.

Paul Bettany is one of these priests.  When his kinfolk are slaughtered by a vampire horde, he appeals to the Church to allow him to hunt the aggressors.  The Church refuses, wanting to believe peace is possible in their time.  Bettany disobeys and takes his guns and super motorcycle and starts the hunt.  He is joined by a priestess (Maggie Q) and a cop named Hicks.  As these three exact revenge, Bettany realizes that the vampires are organized and led by his old colleague who has been turned. 

Priest has some nice (albeit brief) subplots.  Bettany must resist the attraction he and Maggie Q share towards each other.  He must also come to grips with the fact that his disobedience to the Church will have consequences.  Most fascinating, however, is the conflict of serving the Church and serving God.  Bettany chooses God.

Bettany, Maggie Q, and Karl Urban (as the vampire leader) all do fine jobs.  The mix of old-west sets with futuristic city sets is kind of fun.  Definitely 90 minutes of fun.

Rise: Blood Hunter, Lucy Liu is Extraordinary as a Vampire seeking.....well...Blood!

I first saw Rise: Blood Hunter (2007) on the Syfy channel, and was very impressed.  Little did I know at the time, the 93 minute version which knocked my socks off was not the uncut version. I purchased the DVD, which contains the 122 minute (uncut) version.  This version is in my top 10 vampire films of all time.  Lucy Liu (Cypher and Kill Bill) and Michael Chiklis (The Shield) are both phenomenal.

The plot:  Liu plays Sadie Blake, an investigative reporter, searching for a missing teen-aged girl.  She gets too close to the truth, and the horror begins. The truth?  A gang/cult of vampires are foraging through Los Angeles.  Blake is a good reporter, and as she pieces the facts together regarding the teen's demise, she is abducted by the vampires and "turned" in a very erotic scene featuring Eve (Carla Gugino) and Ethan.  Unfortunately for those two seemingly suave and sexy vampires, Sadie spends her vampire days not feasting on runaway teens, but murdering vampires in this cult.  Armed with a mini-crossbow, she is very effective in exacting the ultimate revenge.  Her crusade is momentarily complicated by Michael Chiklis, who is the dad of that missing runaway she was originally investigating.  They form an unholy alliance in order to wipe out these bloodsuckers.

One of the most uncomfortable aspects of this movie is watching Sadie, after being turned, gradually lose her human soul.  In one scene, her family believes she is dead (I guess they were right), she visits her mother who is sleeping in her home.  Sadie looks upon her mother lovingly, with sadness.  Later, Sadie visits her again, this time she looks as if she wants to drain her mother of her blood.

The performances are terrific from top to bottom.  The horror, blood and eroticism are rampant for all 122 minutes.  Sadie's transformation into a vampire is dramatic, especially as her hunger grows for human blood. As she repels, not only the aggression of the vampire cult, she must also deal with Eve's carnal attraction to her. We the viewer are absolutely drawn in to the plight of Liu and Chiklis.  See this film!

Europa Report, The Horrific Moon of Jupiter

I was not expecting much when I put the Europa Report (2013) into my DVD machine.  A modern term for B-movie is "straight-to-DVD."  Hence a straight-to-DVD movie about a manned space mission to Jupiter's fourth moon had cheap sets, bad CGI, and wooden acting written all over it.  To make matters worse, the whole movie was filmed in a studio in Brooklyn.  A definite loser.....or so I thought.  I could not have been more wrong.

The plot:  A private space mission is headed to Europa.  The belief is that oceans exist under the icy crust of this moon....and where there is water, there is life.  A small international crew (U.S., China, and Russia), portrayed brilliantly by a largely unknown cast, must battle close quarters and eventual isolation in order to reach the Jovian satellite.  Then bad things happen.  They lose communication with Earth, and a crew member perishes when he tries to repair them.  Without communications, the crew plods forward, toward Europa.

They reach Europa.  The sets are magnificent.  Icy, cold, isolated, and menacing.  Weird stuff starts to happen.  The probe that penetrates the ice and enters Europa's ocean is destroyed by a monster (which we get a good view of later).  One of the Russian crew partakes in a chilling moon walk to take samples with horrific results.  Will the crew be heroes or martyrs?

One can easily see the influence of some good movies in Europa Report.  2001: A Space Odyssey, Moon, Apollo 18, and 2010 are just a few of them.  The most moving performance in this brilliantly acted film is that of Embeth Davidtz.  She plays Dr. Samantha Unger, the director of the mission.  She tells the story of this mission from her perspective here on Earth.  Her emotions and reaction to the mystery that engulfs this mission are heart-felt.  She possesses a humanness that was lacking in the above-mentioned movies.  Her ability to tell the story keeps the viewer at the seat's edge.

Loaded Guns, Ursula Andress- Super Stewardess

Later this week I board an international flight that will take me to Europe.  I am fairly confident that none of the stewardesses (...excuse me....flight attendants) will have any resemblance to Ursula Andress.  Glamour and the modern day flight attendant are no longer companions.  Many of us long for the day of stewardesses like Jacqueline Bisset (Airport), Lee Grant (Airport '77) or Heidi Lenhart (Crocodile 2: Death Swamp).  Hence, Loaded Guns (1975) portrays a glamorous, international air hostess involved in dangerous intrigue in Naples.

The plot: As the film begins, beautiful stewardess, Nora Green (Andress) departs her flight on a runway in Naples.  On the way to the terminal, she is approached by a mysterious man, whose face we never see.  He asks her to deliver a letter to someone in Naples (who ends up being a slimy crime lord) for $100.  She agrees.  Clad in a glamorous stewardess uniform she finds the Naples address of this crime lord and delivers the letter. Unfortunately for our heroine, his henchmen are also there and demand to know who gave her the letter.  When Nora tells them that she doesn't know, the henchmen beat her up unmercifully and then pick her half unconscious body off the floor and throw her about 20 feet onto the pavement.

Nora, bruised and bloodied is helped to an apartment of a good Samaritan.  Her uniform is torn and she is nursed back to health and beauty by this guy.  Instead of cowering, and getting out of town, Nora decides to exact revenge.  Her revenge will eventually pit her against three criminal organizations.  She is aided, only a little, by the police and a guy masquerading as a priest.
Of course, Nora prevails.  The chase and fight scenes are corny, but lets face it, Ursula Andress owns the screen.  Whenever one of the organizations makes a move to take her out, she just happens to be in some state of under-dress.  The most interesting instance of this is when an assassin  sneaks into her hotel room while she is taking a bath.  Nora pops out of the bath tub and does away with the would be assassin armed with only a radio.  Classic!

I apologize for painting modern day flight attendants with a broad brush.  In fairness, Korean Airlines and several other Asian carriers do not fit my stereotype.  This movie is fun, and unfortunately hard to find.  Andress was 39 when this movie was released and she looks a lot better than an of today's 20-something actresses.

Doomsday, The Sequel to Braveheart

I know most of you saw Mel Gibson's "Braveheart", but to fully appreciate the conflicts between Scotland and England, one must also have seen "Doomsday" (2008).  Many would ignore the comparison to Braveheart and instead compare this film to Mel Gibson's "Road Warrior".  Either way, this is a fine movie which stars two of my favorites, Rhona Mitra as Major Eden Sinclair and Malcolm McDowell as the insane Dr. Kane.

The plot: 25 years ago a plague hits Scotland.  Plague victims die quick, incredibly tortuous deaths.  As the plague moves toward England, the English government realizes there is no time to find a cure before the plague hits.  England quickly erects an 18 mile wall from sea to sea, walling off Scotland.  A few days later, all of Scotland is dead (so they assume).  In the last airlift out of Scotland, a five- year-old Eden Sinclair gets a seat on the helicopter, but not before her eye is shot out.
Present day, Major Eden Sinclair heads an elite police unit.  She has a prosthetic eye which she can remove.  This eye acts as a video camera, and she can roll it down hallways to see what the bad guys are up too.  So cool!!!!  Bad news....the plague is now turning up in England.  In two days, it will be out of control.  Sinclair and her team are sent to Scotland (no one has gone over the wall in 25 years) to find the notes of Dr. Kane, who was the doctor researching a cure before the wall was built.

Once in Dr. Kane's lab, Sinclair and her team meet scores of survivors....and they are ticked!  The English forgot about them 25 years ago, and they are more interested in eating Sinclair and her team than helping.  After battling these survivors and escaping from them, Sinclair, to her surprise, finds another group of irate  survivors headed by the mad Dr. Kane.  The clock is ticking, can Sinclair save England?

This is a terrific action-filled movie with big time chase and battle scenes.  The survivors remind us of  the bad guys in The Road Warrior.  Mitra's performance is captivating as a haunted, tough, and bad a** Major of Scottish lineage, who is entrusted to save England.  The sets depicting Glasgow 25 years after the plague are frightening.  See this movie!

The Green Slime, a Scary Love Triangle

The Green Slime (1969) is a wonderful B movie.  A Japanese sci-fi film that is actually American.  It is Japanese because of the director (Kinji Fukasaku, and be careful how you say that last name), the creatures are played by Japanese school children with neat costumes, and the plot.  It is American because of the male cast.  Even the Italian lead actress (Luciana Paluzzi, a Bond girl) plays an American, Dr. Lisa Benson.

Terrific plot!  A very large asteroid is heading toward our space station.  A crew is dispatched to the asteroid to place nukes on it which will blow it up before collision with the station.  This kind of works, as the asteroid is vaporized, but a tiny bit of green slime, unknowingly, is brought back with the crew.  This slime then keeps growing and separating, and before too long, the space station crew is at war with green slime monsters.  During this war, Dr. Lisa Benson (Paluzzi) heroically treats the wounded, while shielding her nurses from the electric grips of the slime creatures.  Unfortunately for her, her two boyfriends happen to be on board: the station's commander (Richard Jaeckel), who is a failure as far as space commanders go, and Commander Jack Rankin who NASA sent up there to take charge because of Jaeckel's incompetence.  Those two spend as much time fighting each other as they do the Japanese school children.

As heroic as Dr. Lisa Benson is, one wonders how she chooses her men.  Most women in these movies want a good looking, sensitive guy with a sense of humor.  Not her!  She prefers the boring stupid, grouchy kind who keep screwing up, and who have no senses of humor or sensitivity.  You pick the wrong guy, and you could very easily get overrun by monstrous Japanese school kids.

The ending is exciting, and the opening score is wonderful.  The cover art is classic.  Unfortunately that astronaut-ette who appears on the cover does not appear in the movie.  Oh yes, the opening score actually puts a melody to the lyrics "The Green Slime," and it is most catchy.

Baron Blood, Elke Sommer's Guide to Successful Dating

Today's entry is a good one from 1972, Baron Blood.  Directed by Italian horror icon Mario Bava, this film delivers good scares and teaches us valuable lessons.  Joseph Cotton (Lady Frankenstein, The Third Man) has the title role, and Elke Sommer plays the damsel (an assistant museum curator) in distress.  Mario Bava filmed this movie in beautiful Vienna (the setting for Joseph Cotten's most famous movie, The Third Man).

Okay!  First the plot, then the ever important social commentary.  An American college dropout dweeb boards a Pan Am flight to Austria.  Great 1970s movie music accompanies this plane ride.  His primary purpose in Austria is to research an infamous ancestor, the sadistic Baron Blood who was really good at killing people slowly with torture devices.  Blood was knocked off over a century ago by a witch he ticked off.  The dweeb's first stop is Baron Blood's castle which is being restored by Eva (Elke Sommer).  Eva acts coy around the dweeb, and her wardrobes are always either tight, revealing, or low cut (or all three).  Mario Bava does a great job utilizing Sommer's charm.

The dweeb and Eva end up at the same dinner party.  Eva seems content in showing no interest in this dweeb.  As well she shouldn't.  She is beautiful, smart, ambitious, and will probably end up marrying royalty.  Then the dweeb propositions her.  The proposition?  Lets sneak into the Baron's castle (it's dungeon to be exact), recite incantations from an old, cursed parchment, hence resurrecting the sadistic ancestor.  Eva, against all logic, says, okay.  The Baron is resurrected and Eva finds herself in more peril, especially when wearing slinky evening gowns.

The movie is exciting!  Sommer and Cotton are terrific.  Bava throws in a ton of blood.  You will enjoy this slice of European, 1970s horror.  You parents out there....no matter how intelligent your beautiful daughters are, keep a very watchful eye.  If Eva can be seduced by this dweeb, there is no telling what miserable loser your daughter might decide to date.

 

Queen Of Outer Space, Zsa Zsa Gabor's Magnum Opus

Queen of Outer Space (1958) is one of the classic B movies of all time.  A sultry Zsa Zsa Gabor and a host of space babes, a spider like creature, ray guns, Venusian landscape, and an evil Queen of Venus grace this cinematic achievement.  You women out there have got to like the plot, male astronauts happen upon the planet Venus where males are outlawed.  Unfortunately, just like all-female colleges, the women are eager to break the laws.

In addition to turning Venusian public opinion, our astronauts realize another goal.  The evil queen is almost finished creating a Beta Disintegrator which has the power to destroy Earth.  Can they, with the help of some rebel women (including Zsa Zsa Gabor) destroy this weapon?  Can the Earth men, and Venus women find happiness and love with each other?  The suspense is riveting.

Queen of Outer Space includes costumes for the Venusians which flatter their most impressive features (10 years before Star Trek, these costumes obviously influenced the wardrobe for Enterprise  females).  The spider creature is scary for you creature lovers.  This flick also includes Zsa Zsa Gabor in such a way that will make you forget about her, as seen in the news over the past 15 years.

Say what you want about Queen of Outer Space, but I guarantee you it is better than any sci-fi film of 2013, including that Harrison Ford one. Space babes and spider creatures, even today, is a can't miss proposition in film.

Razorback, A Sad Piece of Australian History for Janis Joplin

In 1984, Russell Mulcahy (Resident Evil: Extinction and Highlander) directed Razorback, a gem from Australia.  Beautifully filmed in the haunting outback with dream-like scenery.  A gigantic monster Razorback terrorizes the continent, knocking down homes and eating children.  Enter Gregory Harrison's (Trapper John MD) new fiancé.  An annoying woman who travels to the outback from her posh NYC flat in order to expose the greatest injustice of her time, the killing of razorbacks.  Fortunately for us, the viewer, she is eaten by this creature soon after her arrival.

Gregory Harrison then travels to the land down under to look for his snotty fiancé.  In a heartwarming scene, he finds her diamond ring in a pile of razorback dung.  Instead of grieving, he hooks up with the first woman he meets in this god-forsaken land, the lovely Arkie Whiteley.  Ms. Whiteley's character is much more appealing than his former fiancé, and together they hunt the creature.  Also hunting the creature is a Quint-like figure who witnessed his grandson being hauled off by the giant hog thing.  His one-liners are fantastic, and his passion for killing these creatures is inspiring.  Of course, a very exciting and horrific conclusion awaits the viewer, which I will not spoil for you.

The beautiful Arkie Whiteley (The Road Warrior and A Town Like Alice) died at the age of 37 (cancer).  This British actress, in her youth had a very famous baby sitter, Janis Joplin.  Her role as a beautiful, but tough resident of the outback is a perfect match for the very clean cut character of Gregory Harrison.  This flick is not to be missed!

Parasite, Demi Moore's Best Movie

I remember seeing Parasite (1982) in 3D at a movie theater in Dedham, Massachusetts when it first came out.  I thoroughly enjoyed it then, and even the DVD copy I have now is enjoyable.  Back in 1982, it boasted of having "that chick from General Hospital" in it.  I was more interested in the 18 inch worm with shark teeth that exploded out of it's victims.  To ensure this movie's place in the B Movie Hall Of Fame, is the fact that it was produced and directed by Charles Band.....enough said.

The plot is classic B movie, our country has been reduced to an atomic wasteland with few towns dotting the map.  A military government with evil intentions rules. This government's main purpose is to produce biological weapons for whatever reason.  Our protagonist, Dr. Paul Dean, is a government scientist who escapes from his lab with his creation, and the government wants it back.  They pursue him.  Unfortunately for him, his creation is not only in a menacing looking thermos, but one has nested inside his gut.  Dr. Dean knows the ramifications if the government lets his parasite loose on the population.  Dr. Dean must find a way to kill the parasite inside him before it explodes out of him.  Naturally the one in the thermos gets out thanks to an unfortunate, idiotic biker gang, and we get to see the carnage it produces in wonderful 3D.

Demi Moore befriends Dr. Paul Dean when he shows up in her town looking sad.  Her character is an orange grower, and she is very enthusiastic about orange juice.  What a team!  Together they put together a makeshift lab, and attempt to find a way to kill the parasite inside Dr. Paul Dean.  Lots of fun all the way around.  For those of you looking for an alternative to "The King's Speech", this movie is for you.

Spiders, Good but needs more Jon Mack

Spiders (2013) was originally shown in theaters, none around here, in 3D.  A monster movie in 3D....should be required a few times a year.  This is a good B movie, reminiscent to Peter Graves' "Beginning Of The End".  The plot, another classic from the B movie archives, a Soviet satellite is destroyed by asteroids, thus sending its payload into the New York City subway.  The payload?  You guessed it, spiders which have had their DNA altered.  Of course, the Spiders nest and multiply and eventually make their way to the NYC (actually this was filmed in Bulgaria) streets.

This movie has a lot going for it, the creatures, whether CGI or puppet, are creepy and icky.  The NYC subway tunnels sets are good ones.  Lots of good weapons as, of course, the military is eventually called in.  The giant Spider, which you see on the DVD case, does indeed appear.

Though I liked this movie, I have two complaints.  There is a sub plot in which two children left on their own must avoid the horror.  When I sink into a B movie, kids are one of the things I want to escape.  Whether yelling at restaurants or vomiting on me on 7 hour airplane trips, I don't need them in my movies.  Complaint #2:  Jon Mack, a great horror movie actress, and lead singer of Auradrone ( http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0533023/?ref_=tt_cl_t4) is under utilized.  She was great in "Mandrake", "Camel Spiders", "Mongolian Death Worm", "Saw VI" and "Super Tanker".  When I saw her in the cast, I was excited.  Unfortunately, she is limited to one scene.

All in all, this is a movie which will be very pleasing to B horror movie fans.  Do yourselves a favor and check out Jon Mack's other films and of course the work of Auradrone!

 

Vampire Wars, What Star Wars Shoulda Been

I saw Vampire Wars (2005) on the Syfy channel, but at the time it was called Bloodsuckers.  So impressive it was that I went to Amazon and ordered the DVD.  The plot, again fairly original, a band of intergalactic sanitation workers is tasked with cleaning up the universe.....not from trash, though.  The V-San (Vampire Sanitation) crew is hunting vampire species.  Of late, the different vampire species have waged bloody war against humans, especially the ones that are attempting to colonize.

This intergalactic crew is very successful and is made up of several salty veteran vampire hunters which eventually are led by Joe Lando (Special Unit 2).  Lando is a terrific actor and assumes the role of the crew's leader.  His inexperience is viewed, by the crew, as the reason their original captain met his demise during a vampire hunt.  Because of its success, a very plotting vampire lures the crew to a remote planet where he and his other vampire friends plan an ambush.

The most appealing character is Quintana (played by Natassia Malthe, who played Rayne in the final two Bloodrayne movies).  She is half human and half vampire and her psychic abilities are key in tracking vampires.  Like the Joe Lando character, her cohorts do not trust her, believing her vampire side is more dominant.  She is clad in a nice black leather outfit, and you guys out there will be impressed. Tough as she has to be, and very equipped to kill.

The vampires are impressive.  Several different species of them are portrayed, all hideous and able to do very gory things.  My favorite were the oversized maggot vampires which explode out of the corpse they take over.  The gore and Ms. Malthe's allure are the strengths of this terrific scifi/horror film. This is a movie not to be missed.

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp, Most Important Movie of our Times!

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002), is the best film starring Heidi Lenhart!  I really like this film, largely because of her performance as a pretty stewardess who overcomes great odds to defeat two giant crocs and an evil rock band.  The plot is a good one.  An evil rock band who uses the F word too much, robs a bank, and kills people doing it.  They get away and board a flight to Mexico with the stolen loot secreted in their instrument cases.  Mia (Lenhart) is the stewardess on this flight, feeling sad about an under-achieving boyfriend. 

The Mexican bound flight hits a storm and crashes into a Mexican swamp.  The evil rock band survives, as do Mia and a handful of inconsequential passengers (croc bait).  The evil rock band, armed with guns, enslaves the survivors to carry the stolen loot through the swamp.  Enter a couple of crocs, including one really big one.  The pilots and another pretty stewardess will be eaten fairly quickly in very gory fashion.

When croc starts eating the survivors, including some of the rock band, the seemingly meek and diminutive Mia puts all her stewardess training to good use fighting off the croc and plotting escape from her captors.  Even when her unimpressive boyfriend and a slick croc hunter join the battle, Mia remains the main force in defeating the evil rock band and the crocs.  In the course of her heroism, Mia will be pummeled by the evil rock band, have her uniform torn to shreds, and almost raped.  Unfortunately for the demented musicians, Mia is all fight.  Battered, torn, and bruised, one wonders if either the monster crocs or the demented minstrels have any chance against this feisty stewardess.



Even if she survives, will Mia have the gumption to dump her hunk, but loser BF? The moral of this movie is that airlines need to start hiring pretty stewardesses again, because a fat, ugly stewardess could not have weaved her way through the swamp with the grace Mia had.  Ms. Lenhart does a fantastic job, and portrays the best stewardess since Ursula Andress in "Loaded Guns."  Energetic, gory...and most of all fun, "Crocodile 2" is a film that will surely please.

 

Super Hybrid, Best Movie Ever From Saskatchewan

You gotta like losers!  We all have some loser in us.  Losers have traits we can all relate to.  So when I saw Super Hybrid (2010), I was instantly captivated by the characters....all losers!  In short, this is a movie about a monster squid that disguises itself as a car.  People willingly get into the car (squid) and the car turns back into a squid and eats them.  Now come on, doesn't this sound better than the most recent Sandra Bullock movies?

Our heroine Tilda (Shannon Beckner) has an idiot boyfriend who refuses to get a job.  She works at an impound lot in the middle of the city.  Loser!  She doesn't even own a car!  Her boss (Oded Fehr) is a war veteran who docks his employees for the personal phone calls they make.  The monster squid is towed to their impound facility after it is in an accident in an intersection.

Through a series of circumstances, the employees of the facility are cut off from all communications.  When it becomes apparent that a monster is tracking them down in this dingy facility, someone must take charge.  Oded Fehr assumes leadership status.  However, for the first time in her life, Tilda rises to the occasion.  Frustrations of relationships, dead end jobs, being bossed around by Oded Fehr finally gets to her and she tells our war vet that he is no leader, he is just a bully. 

Armed with her motorcycle and improvised weapons, Tilda wages war on the monster car.  How can anyone not like this movie?  If you had no patience for any Meryl Streep movies, this is a movie for you.  Again, better than anything Kevin Costner or Harrison Ford have done over the past 25 years.

Blood Runs Cold, awful, but gotta like it!

Blood Runs Cold (2011) is a low budget horror movie set in wintery Sweden.  Low Budget in the truest sense of the word, $5,000.  I despised this movie until I heard it's price tag.  So much wrong with it, so let's start there.

Good plot.  Exhausted Swedish pop singer, Winona (mercifully we do not get to hear her sing) rents a remote cottage in the wilds of Sweden.  Little does she know, underneath it lives a cannibalistic psycho with an axe.  She brings three friends home from a bar one night, and the carnage begins.  Very gruesome carnage I might add of the axe and cannibal kind.  Her three very annoying friends then do really stupid stuff and get what really stupid people usually get in these types of movies.  Our heroine sleeps through it all and when she wakes, no one is around.  Before eating her Corn Flakes, she scrubs up gallons of blood from the living room, totally missing this as a sign that evil has done in her comrades.  Then she does eat her Corn Flakes. 

Then the last 20 minutes of this film occur.  Winona, shortly after the cannibal begins stalking her, fights back and does her own hunting.  As stupid as the first 55 minutes of this film is, I was cheering for our heroine during the last 20.  For $5000, the acting is surprisingly good, and the gore f/x will turn your stomach. 

Say what you want, but again, this movie is better than anything Kevin Costner or Harrison Ford have done over the past 25 years.

Whiteout, the forgotten Beckinsale movie

Whiteout, a 2009 movie, starring Kate Beckinsale, was seen by only a handful of movie-goers. A murder mystery which took place at the South Pole.  Like many movies I adore, this was a box office failure.  The weak points in this movie are obvious, however, it is still better than anything Harrison Ford or Kevin Costner have done over the past 25 years.

The setting was fairly unique.  Only the last two "The Thing" movies had a similar setting.  The plot twists were decent, some good gore, and a terrific supporting cast which included Tom Skerritt as an embittered base doctor. Kate Beckinsale plays a failed Deputy U.S. Marshal relinquished to the end of the Earth.  Just before her 2 year term is up at the pole, which entailed braking up bar fights, a mysterious corpse appears....game on.

Solving this murder, and others that crop up, and some that are 50 years old, give Beckinsale (Carrie Stetko) a chance at redemption.  Solving this murder will put her life in danger and exact some very gory consequences. 

The story is a good one.  The mystery is one that will keep you guessing.  Kate Beckinsale, even clad in a parka will still captivate.  This adaptation of a graphic novel keeps it's comic book feel.  I highly recommend this film.