Jill Wagner. What a babe. Even more important, we liked her. Almost 20 years ago car commercials still had babes doing commercials for them. Jill Wagner did some for Mercury. Kate Walsh did some for Cadillac. They were babes. We wanted to see them. As the Post-Modern Era has taken hold in America, beautiful women we loved seeing seemed to have been outlawed in media. Now we have beasts and deviants. Sure, Brie Larson does Nissan ads today, but we don't like her. Ms. Wagner was very likable. So, even though Jill Wagner's appeal has been censored by Post-Modern tyrants and their media, we can still see her movies. Today we look at 2008's "Splinter," directed by Toby Wilkins. Perhaps if Ms. Wagner gets piercings, stupid tattoos, shaves her head, and adopts left-wing causes she'll get more gigs.
Polly (Wagner), an outdoor-type babe takes her dweeb boyfriend Seth (Paulo Costanzo) camping. He is such a dork and she is such a babe. Still, she desires pre-marital sex with him under the stars. Uh-oh, escaped killer Dennis (Shea Whingham) and his strung out girlfriend Lacey (Rachel Kerbs) are on the run and need a car. They come across our cute lovebirds, pummel Polly, and carjack them. Uh-oh, they run over a porcupine-type parasite that used to be a puppy. The car is disabled and the monstrous splinter thing chases them to a gas station. Lacey does not quite make it as she is attacked by the gas station attendant (Charles Baker), who is now a splinter thing. Now Lacey is too. Dennis, Seth, and Polly now lock themselves inside as the two porcupine creatures desperately try to get in.
Though scared, Polly looks great with her shorts and halter top. Dennis is thinking the same thing we are...what is she doing with Seth, the dweeb? Well, Seth is a genius. Chicks dig that! Okay, so this is not true...these are the movies. Uh oh again, Seth has been infected as he was stuck in the finger with a splinter monster's needle. He is unsuccessfully fighting off infection. The cops are on their way. Don't get your hopes up...the policewoman will be decimated horribly by the creature. Now the splinter things ramp up their efforts to get in. As Dennis slowly succumbs to the infection, Seth comes up with an idea. Not a good one...but it's something. The gore will be intense. What happens to Lacey, the policewoman, and the gas station guy will blow your mind.
Will Seth be able to protect the purity (okay, the word 'purity' is a stretch, I admit) of Polly as the splinter things converge? Will the sultry Polly have occasion to grab a sawed-off shotgun or a flamethrower? Will babes ever return to favor with left-wing Hollywood and media, or are we going to be stuck with grouches like Brie Larson every time we see an automobile or beer commercial? Flush the Post-Modern Era down the toilet and bring back the Jill Wagners of the world! See "Splinter," a horror film released just prior to the scourge of Post-Modernism.
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