Scream Bloody Murder, A Psycho and a Prostitute

Nubile babes just don't fare well in these types of films.  You know the films...early 1970s low-budget drive-ins.  Perhaps these movies are misogynistic.  Definitely gratuitous and exploitative.  Nudity and gore will abound.  Throw in a lunatic fresh out of a mental hospital and a 'sex-worker' who the insaniac believes needs purification.  Today we look at 1972's "Scream Bloody Murder," directed by Marc C. Ray.  Oh yes, look closely for "Phantasm" ghoul Angus Scrimm.

Little boy Matthew murders his dad with a tractor and loses his arm in the process.  Many years later, an adult Matthew (Fred Holbert) with a hook as a left hand is allowed to leave the mental asylum (never a good idea).  He goes home and sees that his mom (Leigh Mitchell) has just married Matthew (Robert Knox).  He'll take an axe and butcher the two of them and then flee.  Matthew is set off by the sight of his mom and Matthew making love...now every babe he sees is his mother (in his mind) acting like a whore.  He'll continue murdering people, including babes he sees as his mother.

Matthew will reach a seaside town and meet prostitute Vera (also played by Mitchell).  She's a beautiful redhead and sailors love to pay for her services.  Matthew will kill one unfortunate sailor and abduct Vera.  He'll call Vera by his mother's name, gag her, and tie her up.  Matthew will butcher the residents of a nearby mansion and move into it with his prisoner.  Now Vera is either tied up or led around on a leash.  To keep this charade up, Matthew will murder again, including Angus Scrimm.  Vera realizes she has one skill she has not tried in her bid to escape...sex.  The unstable and hook-handed Matthew is not ready for sexual intimacy and the results will be...well, you'll see.

Does the beautiful Vera have any chance at survival in this film?  Will Matthew give into his sexual urges as he stands in front of a bound and gagged beauty?  Is this film a metaphor for western civilization's treatment of women and fear of equality?  Gratuitous, steamy, and gory...see "Scream Bloody Murder."   

Hack-O-Lantern, Satanists Ruin Halloween

Okay, think of today's feature as a bargain basement "The Devil's Rain."  No Ernest Borgnine here but we do have babes dying horribly, skinny-dipping, pre-marital sex, and garden tool carnage.  If you can endure a few annoying music video interludes and one really annoying stand-up-comedy interlude, then you will enjoy 1988's "Hack-O-Lantern," directed by Jag Mundhra.

Weird grandpa (Hy Pyke) loves his grandson Tommy.  He has picked him as his successor as the town's satanic priest.  Amanda (Katina Garner) is Tommy's mother and Grandpa raped her on her wedding day.  Now Amanda tries, unsuccessfully to protect Tommy from Grandpa.  Now in adulthood, Tommy (Gregory Scott Cummings) is set to assume leadership of the cult.  He's a bad to the bone type of guy. Amanda still has hopes of pulling him out of grandpa's influence.  His little brother, Roger (Jeff Brown) is now a town cop and a real hunk.  His sister, Vera (Carla B.) is a slut but likable. Now Beth (Patricia Christie) is Vera's bestie and she'll end up having pre-marital sex with Roger on top of Vera's dead boyfriend...don't ask...just go with it.

Big Halloween party in town tonight.  The same night of Tommy's induction into the cult.  Vera thinks Tommy murdered her boyfriend, who she was just de-virginized by and seeks him out.  Now Vera walks in on the rite and the cultists chase her.  They'll chase her back to the Halloween party and many babes in seductive costumes will pay the price for that.  Everything will culminate at this Halloween party.  Unfortunately, Nora (Jeanna Fine), slut with a pentagram tattoo on her butt, who gave us a gratuitous skinny dipping scene, gratuitous shower scene, and gratuitous gardening implement to the face scene...will miss the party.  Yep, a lot here.  Not smoothly connected, I know...still...Satanists, babes in trouble, pre-marital sex ending badly...and carnage...we do have.

Will Amanda be able to save her son, Tommy, from his evil fate?  How many sex on top of your best friend's corpse moments have we seen in films of late?  Awkward in many places, but gratuitous enough to be a very likable film.  Get ready for the Halloween by watching "Hack-O-Lantern."    

Amityville: The Awakening, Haunted in a Coma

Ouch!  Yep...made us all wince in pain.  Just so horrible!  What Rutger Hauer did to Jennifer Jason Leigh back in the 80s in "The Hitcher."  We all were sweet on her. Alas!  I think I speak for everyone in saying when we see Jennifer Jason Leigh on the silver screen, since "The Hitcher," we all breathe a sigh of relief to see her arms and legs still attached to her torso.  Will she remain in tact in our film today.  Let us look at 2017's "Amityville: The Awakening," directed by Franck Khalfoun.

Jane (Leigh), a caring mom, moves her family into the Amityville house...40 years after the carnage.  Bad move?  Oh yeah!  Her grouchy babe daughter Belle (Bella Thorne) and very cute daughter five-year-old Juliet (Mckenna Grace) are with her.  Oh yes, Jane's teenage son James (Cameron Monaghan).  James was a handsome kid until...well, you'll see.  Now he has been in a coma for a couple of years, brain dead, and on a ventilator full time.  Jane will not accept the fact that he is never coming back.  Or will he?  Yep...you guessed it.  James will amaze his doctors as brain waves return and his eyes open...but is it James?  It is...and someone (something) else.  Now the beautiful Belle must play detective.  When she learns the history of the house she is now living in she asks James if there is anyone else inside his head.  You can guess the answer.

Now Jane and her whole family seem to be on a downward spiral to suffer the same fate as the DeFeo family did back in the 70s.  Belle is onto this but Jane is in denial and believes the boy in the hospital bed is indeed her son.  Carnage begins to occur and so does murder.  There is a really disguising scene with a billion flies (Rod Steiger got off light).  Belle is now in mortal danger for the demon inside James and her mom who will not accept that James needs to be pulled off his life-support.

Will Jennifer Jason Leigh keep her legs and arms attached to her torso as the end credits roll?  Will Belle be able to have a dating life in high school even though possession reigns supreme in her abode? Will anyone think of buying a can of raid for the flies in the house?  Okay, some of the plot devices in this one will cause you to roll your eyes.  But!  Jennifer Jason Leigh is in this one and it proves to be a pretty good possession/haunted house flick...see "Amityville: The Awakening."  

Deadly Descent: The Abominable Snowman, Hunks and Babes Shredded by Monster

First off...kudos to Zara Dimitrova.  She plays the sultry Vera the bartender in today's feature.  Of all the babes in this film...she comes in first.  Sadly, Vera the bartender has little to do with the plot, thus we will not mention her again. Picture a Coors Lite commercial that wants to be a monster movie.  With gratuitous skiing and snowboarding scenes through the Rocky Mountains, a little blood (a lot, actually) will flow.  Today's movie is 2013's "Deadly Descent: The Abominable Snowman," directed by Marko Makilaakso.

As our film begins, the abominable snowman eats Pete (Jesse Steele).  Yawn.  Brian (Chuck Campbell) is sad his buddy was eaten and goes back up the mountain with a gun to murder the monster.  His sister, the babe Nina (Lauren O'Neil), is worried and hires Mark (Adrian Paul) to helicopter her up the mountain.  Uh oh...all of Brian's buddies want to go along and they are all from the same army unit that served in Afghanistan...together.  Rick (Nicholas Boulton) was their commander and he is a grouch and yells at everyone (he must have been a big hit with the Taliban).  Nina loves him...though she could do a lot better.  Also going along are newlyweds (and also from their army unit), the beautiful Stacey (Elizabeth Croft) and Jon (Sam Cassidy)...and the PTSD ridden Erlander (Sean Teale).

The former army unit gets dropped up the mountain and Rick yells at everyone.  The monster attacks right away and eventually they find Brian.  Brian is not happy to see them...and we can understand why.  Rick yells at Brian and Nina continues making goo-goo eyes at him.  One by one the monster eats the group.  Now the hunters become the hunted and everything Rick suggests fails miserably.  As we hope the monster will eat Rick, we also desire the babes survive and find better men to start their families with.

In a perfect world, Vera the bartender would have led the mission up the mountain and Rick would have been left behind.  He could have yelled at bar patrons.  Will anyone survive the wrath of the abominable snowman?  If Brian could have gotten to first base with Vera, would he have been so eager to undertake a monster hunting suicide mission?  If Rick survives will he be sent to The Ukraine to yell at the Russian army?  CGI fun to the max filled with good cheese and beef...see "Deadly Descent: The Abominable Snowman."       

Fair Game, Snake vs. the Babe

Okay a snake is after a babe.  Stop it!  The metaphors that are coming to your mind have no place here.  Today we look at a serious creature versus woman story.  Think of it as a bargain basement "Venom."  Remember that one?  Susan George as a kinky maid and Oliver Reed gets bitten on the tally-whacker (by the snake!)?  Black Mambas create quite the stir when nubile lasses are around, no doubt.  Today we look at  1988's "Fair Game" (originally titled "Mamba"), directed by Mario Orfini and a score by Giorgio Moroder.

The affair is over!  Nubile and arty babe, Eva (Trudie Styler) has dumped computer genius Gene (Gregg Henry).  He is abusive and seeks to control her (Yawn!). Naturally, Gene does not take this break-up well...Eva is a real dish.  The brute visits snake handler, Frank (Bill Moseley) and buys a Black Mamba from him.  Yep, Gene wants Eva dead.  Gene is a fair man and intends to give his former GF a chance.  Instead of just shooting her and cutting up her body, he plants the Mamba in her windowless apartment and locks her in.  Game on.

Now the Mamba goes after her.  Okay, maybe not as aggressive as the one that got Susan George...but it does seek her.  See, as if the thing was not aggressive enough, Gene infused it with additional hormones to make it more aggressive.  The catch is, after an hour, the increased hormones will cause the snake to poison itself and die.  If Eva can survive for an hour...she may survive.  But before all this we will see some gratuitous scenes with Eva taking a bath...yep, the snake will see this, too.  As soon as Eva comes up to speed on her tormentor, she gets smart and a neat game of cat and mouse (or, snake and babe) ensues.

Is the deadly Black Mamba a metaphor for all men in western civilization today and the misogyny they embrace?  Should Eva have been nicer to Gene, maybe telling him "I love you, I'm just not in love with you," or "You're too good for me, you deserve so much better."?  I mean...instead of just breaking up with him.  I could go on...but because I refuse to use some obvious metaphors, which no doubt you all are conjuring up, I'll just say watch "Fair Game." 

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot, An Assassin Spans Two Eras

With a title like "The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot," this blog cannot ignore this film.  Strange...in this film, our story chronicles two assassinations.  The first one is the assassination of Hitler.  The second one is the assassination of Bigfoot.  What is strange...the movie is not really about those killings.  In both cases, the assassinations were not really what we figured they'd be.  Killing is killing...and man is man.  Today we look at this 2017 Sam Elliott film directed by Robert D. Krzykowski.

This is the story of Calvin Barr (Elliott).  We meet him as an old man ready to die.  Now, his life has no purpose to continue.  This was not the case in the 1940s.  As a young army man (Aidan Turner) he is sent on a clandestine mission into Germany to execute Hitler and end the war.  He succeeds with half this mission.  As Calvin comes to find out, the evil that engulfed the world during that war was not confined to one man.  Fast forward to modern times.  The story in the papers explains a serial killer in Canada is murdering a whole lot of people.  Lies.  Bigfoot is doing the killing.  See, Bigfoot is spreading a plague that is killing all the wildlife in the areas he roams.  Now he is roaming south...toward the U.S.

Through a weird set of events, Calvin is plucked out of retirement and sent to Canada to murder Bigfoot.  Easy?  Killing is never easy as you will see through Calvin's eyes.  Have I given away the plot?  Nope...not even close.  Be ready to shed a tear or two and rethink the way you have thought about monsters and war.  Maybe you will also rethink the concept of evil.  Yep...you'll see the hunts...you'll see Bigfoot...you'll see how evil and killing can break a good man. 

This may be a difficult movie to watch as we see what has happened to a hero who has come to grips with his so-called heroism.  Sam Elliott is terrific, and so is Aidan Turner as a young Calvin.  Be warned you will see plenty of monsters (Hitler and Sasquatch) though this film is not really about those two beings.  There is a bit of "The Unforgiven" (The Clint Eastwood film) in this one.  See "The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot" and be ready to think about where you will go in the final decades of your existence.        

Zombie Nightmare, The Undead with a Baseball Bat

Tia Carrere! The beautiful actress portrayed Dr. Sydney Fox, sultry anthropologist on TV's "Relic Hunter" from 1999-2002.  Her portrayal inspired the protagonist in Max Gunssler's new novel Wrath of the Fire Maidens. To order Max's new novel for 99 cents, click on this link WRATH OF THE FIRE MAIDENS . In 1987, the actress starred in her first movie, "Zombie Nightmare," directed by Jack Bravman and John Fasano.  Most people who have seen this film did so on "Mystery Science Theater 3000."  Still, as much fun as we can make about our film today, Tia Carrere as an evil party girl is sultry.

Tony (John Mikl Thor) is good to his mom.  The strapping hunk is all muscles.  He and his mom witnessed the murder of his dad ten years earlier.  Now, Tony is a great softball player and carries around an aluminum baseball bat.  Doing good to all men rarely gets one far in these films.  While protecting a shop owner from a robbery, Tony is mowed down by six partyers in the street and killed.  The revelers drive off.  The most evil of them is Jim (Shawn Levy).  Another of the evil kids is Amy (Carrere), who's great looks highlight this film.  Sad mom pulls in voodoo queen Molly (Manuska Rigaud) to resurrect Tony.  Bad idea.  She does and now Tony is a monster with a baseball bat who will not rest until he gets the revenge due him.

Tony begins going after the kids.  He breaks their necks or bashes their heads in.  Some of the killings are gratuitous and occur during pre-marital sex.  The lovely Susie (Manon E. Turbide) is chased out of a hot tub and runs through a spa clad in lingerie before Tony destroys her.  Jim keeps doing dastardly deeds and trying to rape women out of his league.  Frank (Frank Dietz) is on the case and is a good cop.  His Captain is Adam West and does not want the case solved...you'll see why.  Amy will have some nice scenes and wears some nice party outfits included a nice black leather outfit.  However evil Amy is...we do desire her to survive, though the monster Tony seems to have saved her for last...or has he?

Does Zombie Tony have enough humanity in him to perhaps figure out something else to do with/to Amy instead of bashing her skull in?  What is Batman...er...Adam West's role in all of this?  Will Amy have a hot tub scene just as Susie did?  Make fun of this film if you must but it does deliver on the beef and cheese and includes pre-marital sex and hot tubs.  Find "Mystery Science Theater 3000" on YouTube or Tubi and put on "Zombie Nightmare."  

Blood Harvest, Tiny Tim and Carnage

The man!  The ukulele! Yes, Tiny Tim!  I know...you were just saying "we don't get enough of Tiny Tim!"  Well, I have something for all you ukulele lovers.  Today we look at 1987's "Blood Harvest," directed by Bill Rebane.  We have Tiny Tim (not just a cameo, either) and nubile babes who are way out of his league.  Nudity, gore, gratuitous shower and bath scenes...and more gore...and Tiny Tim!

Jill (Itonia Salchek), a real babe, comes back home to visit.  She'll spend most of this film nude, in intimate undies, in the bathtub, shower, or being groped and sexually molested.  Her parents are missing.  No one liked her parents as her dad is responsible for foreclosing on many of the town's farms.  Eek!  Mervo (Tiny Tim) greets her.  He dresses like a clown and talks in verse.  His handsome brother, Gary (Dean West), also arrives.  Gary's mom and dad went missing, too...and Mervo never got over it...obviously.  Oh yes...Sarah (Lori Minnetti), is Jill's friend.  She's a babe but unfortunately she has "will die very gratuitously in a state of undress," written all over her forehead. 

Okay, Gary loves Jill and Jill loves Gary...as a brother.  Bad news for Gary.  Then Jill's fiancé, Scott (Peter Krause) arrives. He'll be useless and die as gratuitously (except he'll have more clothes on) as Sarah.  Now everyone who comes to visit Jill meets a gruesome fate.  Mervo continues to creep us out and Gary gets more possessive and more perverted as the film drags on.  Give Jill credit, she is only mildly put off by the molestation and perversion thrown her way.  Does that make her "empowered"?  In bloody fashion, Jill's friends die and Mervo continues to sing in verse, dressed like a clown.  Gary, always the opportunist, will do anything to get past first base with the usually nude Jill.

What follows will be wild and crazy.  So, even though Mervo is an insane creep, does he have any chance with the nubile and scantily clad Jill?  Does Gary?  At some level, is what unfolds in this film, a crazy and taboo fantasy of Jill's dream world?  A crazy and insane movie...but then again, Tiny Tim is top billed.  Go ahead...get your Tiny Tim fix and see "Blood Harvest."   

The Lift, Homicidal Elevator

Now that the dollar is worth more than the Euro, we can call lifts elevators.  A homicidal elevator?  Happens.  There have been a lot of good movies about horror in elevators.  Today we have a Dutch film that helps explain the European fear of lifts (or, wait!  Maybe that's bursting dikes).  In a weird one from 1983, we look at "The Lift," directed by Dick Maas.  It is an ambitious horror film that will eventually become science fiction.

Four drunk revelers are almost cooked to death inside the elevator of a fancy office building...so it begins.  Felix (Huub Staapel) is summoned.  He is a repairman from the elevator company.  Yep, the elevator checks out fine.  The carnage continues as the thing decapitates a security guard and murders a blind guy.  Felix is called back.  Again, the elevator is fine.  Felix gets suspicious when he finds out his repairman predecessor is now committed to an insane asylum.  Now Felix is joined with reporterette, Mieke (Willeke van Amelrooy).  She's a babe and the two end up doing quite an investigation.

As the elevator continues to misbehave, Felix and Mieke uncover a conspiracy involving a mysterious electronics firm.  This gets Felix taken off his job.  Also checking on the elevator is a mysterious man who drives a van from this weird electronics company.  Normal people would figure the elevator is demon possessed (happens all the time), but our Dutch protagonists are just a bit smarter than us normal people.  Now Mieke and Felix realize what is going on in this rogue elevator is something much larger than an inconvenience in a large office building.  Yep, just like a good western, there will be an epic battle at the end between man and elevator.

Weird and a bit different.  The final reveal is ambitious and a bit icky.  The characters are not really likable except the reporterette is quite the babe.  What is causing the elevator to be homicidal?   Does the elevator have special plans for the hot reporterette?  Since the dollar is valued more than the Euro now, can we call football...soccer?  For a quirky 1980's Euro techno-horror epic, see "The Lift."  

Giallo in Venice, Euro-Babes, Sex Maniacs, and a Scissors

Why not?  Put the sub-genre right in the title.  Nothing says Euro-Babes dying viciously like Giallo.  This goes for sex maniacs, scissors, cut up corpses, and misogynists, too.  Today we look at an Italian horror flick (yep, Giallo) from 1979, "Giallo in Venice" (aka "Gore in Venice") directed by Mario Landi.  As per usual...if you see a ravishing babe in this film, don't get too attached.

Ah!  Sex maniacs Fabio (Gianni Dei) and Flavia (Leonora Fani) frolic through Venice.  They have this hang-up (fetish)...he likes to watch his wife have sex with total strangers.  At first he has sex with his wife in public with others watching...then it graduates to watching Flavia have sex with brutes.  You'll see this a lot in the film.  By the way...we see this as flashbacks as the film begins with a police scene at their murder site.  Beside a canal, Flavia's drowned body lays near Fabio's, who has been gutted with scissors.  Police Inspector De Paul (Jeff Blynn...think of a bargain basement Marjoe Gortner) is investigating.  De Paul may be the most annoying police detective in the history of movies.

Now DePaul must put the case together and catch the killer.  His investigation uncovers an orgy which Flavia and Fabio were involved in.  Marzia (Mariangela Giordano) was also involved with her boy toy.  She still lives...for the moment.  Others who participated in the orgy begin being butchered.  Now De Paul must hurry...Italy's sex maniac population is taking quite a hit.  Through De Paul's investigation we see some depraved people.  This stuff is right out of the Clinton-playbook.  Suspects are developed and each of them have these weird psycho-sexual fetishes.  Yep, all could be elected to public office here in the U.S.  De Paul now must decide which pervert is the killer.

Will any Euro-Babe remain in one piece by the end of this film?  Just what went on at this orgy?  Are the weird sexual fetishes and nymphomaniac behaviors in this film a prescient foretelling of 21st century American political behavior?  Erotic, vicious, and gory...fans of Giallo will want to see this one despite the Marjoe Gortner wannabe detective.   

Decapitarium, Re-Animator Remade

A remake of 1986's "Re-Animator"?  It takes place at Miskatonic University.  A decapitated head calls all the evil shots.  A Barbara Crampton lookalike is the damsel in much distress.  Oh, but wait...here is a difference.  This one has Christine Nguyen as a babe commando fed clad in a tight camouflaged jumpsuit, a tactical holster, hooker boots, and carrying a humongous gun.  Yes!!!  Oh, there are hundreds of decapitations in this film as the student body of Miskatonic University is decimated.  Today we look at 2021's "Decapitarium," directed by Jeff Dunn.

Dr. Wilkinson's (Alex West) experiment goes awry.  In short, his wife (Ruby Lee Dove II) is his test subject and her head pops off.  Now Wilkinson keeps his wife's head alive and she is ticked.  Okay, Barbara Crampton lookalike Samantha (Katusha Robert) is trying to finish a science project and has a killer body.  Mrs. Wilkinson's head wants it.  The head takes over her husband's cyborgs.  The cyborgs are people he decapitated and replaced the heads with a computerized orb.  Now the cyborgs have a circular saw as an arm and decapitate more peeps to become Wilkinson's cyborg army.  Agent Crawford (Nguyen) arrives and she is hot!  She brings a big gun with her and liaisons with the sheriff's office.

Skipping so much...Agent Crawford wants to sign Wilkinson to a defense contract.  The wife's head is still irate and uses her army to decapitate everyone and try to capture Samantha.  Now the head has a huge robot built and becomes the head of this 20 foot tall robot.  Agent Crawford continues to look very steamy in her tight jumpsuit and hooker boots.  The big gun is played against the cyborg army.  Samantha and her impressive figure is put in more peril as the robot-wife-head wants her.  Wilkinson realizes his experiment is out of control.  Explosions!  Hundreds of decapitations!  Christine Nguyen!  Yes!

Got it?  Is there really anything else you need in a film?  I have a great idea...in the 1970s we had the Sgt. Rock comic books.  We need an Agent Crawford comic book here in 2022.  Christine Nguyen in a camouflaged jumpsuit looks a lot better than that old ghost of a tank commander.  For a really great time with a lot of gore, a Barbara Crampton lookalike, and Christine Nguyen in hooker boots, see "Decapitarium."  

Force to Fear, Oh, Yeah!

I know that there are a million reasons to call this a bad movie.  Still...I sooooo enjoyed it.  In fact...I loved it!  In fact...it may be the best time I've had watching a film in years.  Oh...Sable Griedel's portrayal of Nova?  If you weren't in love before this seeing this film...you will be hooked after you meet Nova.  So much right is going on here.  Hunks and babes with martial arts skills, Chinese throwing stars, some firearms, catfights, and some nice black tactical outfits for the babes.  Today we look at 2020's "Force to Fear," directed by Chad Burns and Zane Hershberger.

Two apparent thugs are torturing Ryan (Mitchell Musolino) in an abandoned school.  They decide to kill him...but wait!  A vehicle pulls up with some apparent partyers...hunks and babes looking to drink, dance, and maybe have pre-marital sex.  Wrong!  Ryan is visited by the ghost of his dead girlfriend (Se Marie).  Never mind her...great plot device, sure, but we have better ones to discuss.  The two thugs?  One is an undercover cop, Clint (Joseph Setticase).  Okay, our revelers!  Nova (Griedel) is a real dish, and she has a story and a half.  Pit (Nexus Lyons), a hunk leads them.  Anamoly (April Yanko) tries to loosen up Nova...but why?  Socks (Chad Burns)?  He will be significant.  Oh yes, Vega (Ginny Griedel)?  Sadly, this babe will die horribly early on.

Okay, the two kidnappers are perturbed that these kids seem to be interfering with their plans.  Clint is sent down to straighten them out.  He walks into an ambush as the kids turn into a ninja tactical team.  The team is there for a reason...to find a fiend (Ted Opalinski), who did something evil to Nova.  All out war.  The fiend has an armored suit and plenty of bloody weapons.  Nova has Chinese throwing stars and a real gun.  All out war breaks out.  Martial arts action abounds.  Bloody kills abound.  Black cat-suited babes fight everyone including one another.  The ghost will annoy you.  Impalements, garroting, gutting, pummeling, bludgeoning, and sex appeal will explode out of the silver screen.  When it is all over, you will want to crowdfund a sequel or at very least, find Nova so she can beat you up, too.

All right.  What is going on here?  Do not limit your enjoyment by demanding to know what is going on.  That is why people don't like you, if you haven't figured that out, yet.  Nova is a character we'd love to see a graphic novel series based on.  Sit back, enjoy, and wince at the violence and be allured by the hunks and babes.  For a bloody good time, see "Force to Fear."    

The Lost Tribe, Deranged Mutant Ewoks

What do you get when you breed an Ewok with Predator?  Right!  You ever notice when something that has been lost since the beginning of time is found, it is always uncovered by idiots?  Today we look at 2010's "The Lost Tribe," directed by Roel Reine.  We'll have a nice cheese and beef factor in this one as well as a whole lot of smelly and vicious creatures.  Oh yes, we'll also have Lance Henriksen as an assassin/Catholic priest...in a role that was just waiting for him.

A babe anthropologist finds the missing link on an uncharted Caribbean island.  Not good for the Catholic church, so they send assassin Father Gallo (Henriksen) down there to wipe out the team. Alas, the babe anthropologist (Maxine Bahns) is tortured and murdered by Gallo...but she was not as unlucky as the rest on her team. Fast forward, a luxury sailboat crashes and the castaways are now on this island.  Two bikini babes brighten our mood, Anna (Emily Baldoni) and Alexis (Brianna Brown).  Anna is almost engaged to the hunk Tom (Nick Mannell) and Anna is the trophy of dot.com millionaire Joe (Marc Bacher).  The proverbial fifth wheel is also there, the hunk Chris (Hadley Fraser).  Uh oh...the castaways are being watched...and eventually stalked by a mysterious horde of creatures who move around in the trees.

Uh oh, again...Father Gallo is still on the island and he is under orders to murder everyone who has seen the missing link.  His employers don't want the masses to know God did not create man.  More bad news...the missing link is not just a skull found in the mud...it is a predator like species who likes to eat humans.  One by one...the castaways meet bloody fates at the hands of the creatures and Father Gallo.  Anna mans up and sets off into the inland jungle to look for her missing hunk, Tom.  What she finds is horrifying but not as horrifying at what finds her and what it wants to do to her.  You'll see.  

Can ugly Ewok-Predator things find love with bikini babes?  Doesn't the Catholic church have more pressing and local problems than the emergence of missing links?  Just what do the ugly and smelly creatures want to do with the nubile bikini babes?  This one gets very lurid and gory.  Our hunks and babes will sweat a lot and roll around in the mud which our creatures will enjoy...and us, too.  For a vicious and sometimes hard to watch horror film, see "The Lost Tribe."      

Save Me, Steamy and Deviant

Steamy sex in the bedroom.  Steamy sex in the parking garage.  Steamy sex in a hot tub.  Steamy sex, and get this, in a lingerie shop with a peep-show backroom!  That's just some of the steamy sex in today's film. Okay...Harry Hamlin was married to Ursula Andress...so I just wonder if during the filming of some vicious and steamy sex scenes, Lysette Anthony looked into Hamlin's eyes and asked, "Well, big boy...me or Ursula?"  Today's feature is 1994's sexual thriller "Save Me," directed by Alan Roberts.

Not realizing what he has, Jim (Hamlin) walks out on a marriage with Olivia Hussy!  Now he's on the prowl for better sex.  Then he sees her...a nubile vixen, Ellie (Anthony).  She has the look and Jim follows her into a lingerie shop.  Ellie tries on a neat outfit and steps out of the fitting room and Jim is hooked.  Jim keeps following Ellie and just outside of the shop, Oliver (Michael Ironside) arrives.  He's her shrink.  He embraces her and gives off the vibes that he is very abusive and controlling.  Ellie sees Jim drooling as he stares and leaves a note behind that pleads, "Save Me."  Her phone number is also included.  Back at work Jim his hounded by his new boss, Mr. Robbins (Steve Railsback).  Jim is in a slump and calls the number.

Sex in his Mustang follows, and then back to the lingerie shop for a sex scene you will not believe. Ellie convinces Jim that Oliver is her abusive lover/shrink and is threatening her for continued sex.  Jim offers to help...which leads to more steamy sex.  This also leads to someone trying to murder Jim over and over again.  Oh, Oliver quickly finds out about Jim and seems to threaten him.  So is Oliver trying to murder Jim?  More steamy sex.  Now sweaty sex is introduced into this plot.  I wonder if Ursula Andress saw this film.  I wonder if Ursula Andress ever got into a catfight on the set of of this film?  So sue me...I do wonder this!  More attempts to murder Jim...more steamy sex...and then twists and...more sex.

Just where can we find this lingerie shop with a peep-show back-room?  However much we admire Jim's fortune, will he ever smarten up?  After all, Olivia Hussy is not bad.  Will Olivia Hussy burst through the bedroom door and bitch-slap Ellie?  This is a steamy one and it contains a great cast.  Experienced viewers of these types of movies will see the twists and reveal a mile away.  For a sweaty good time, see "Save Me."    

Black Cadillac, El Dorado vs. a Saab

A big mean black 1957 Cadillac El Dorado!  A menacing antagonist, indeed.  Throw in a wimpy Swedish import, a Saab.  Yep...is there any doubt which one wins?  This brings us to our film for today, 2003's "Black Cadillac," directed by John Murlowski.  We'll have hunks, babes, gore, and revenge.  But just who is meting out the revenge...and for what?  All good questions.  You'll have to endure some twists and some great and action-packed stunt driving to find out.

Okay, three buddies...two in high school and one at Yale.  Our Yalie is Scott (Shane Johnson), a hunk.  His two buddies are his younger brother Robby (Jason Dohring), a virgin, and CJ (Josh Hammond) a troubled youth with a mysterious scar on his face.  Yep, the scar will play into the plot.  The trio go for a last fling and go to a roadhouse bar in rural Minnesota.  All the boys get lucky.  Too lucky, unfortunately and are chased out by bouncers and locals.  They speed away and come across a broken down police car driven by sheriff deputy Charlie (Randy Quaid).  They give Charlie a ride.  Then the fun starts.  Scott is driving the Saab and on the backwoods roads, icy and windy, the black El Dorado picks up their scent.

Yep, the El Dorado is trying to murder the Saab and its occupants.  Some nifty driving on icy roads and icy lakes helps keep the kids and Charlie alive.  Uh oh...the El Dorado is after revenge.  After a stop, "You will pay for your sins," is written on the Saab's windshield.  Now the four try to figure out which occupant is the sinner that has ticked the El Dorado off.  At first, the creepy deputy seems to be the culprit.  Mr. Quaid turns in a creepy performance and it is easy to see him as a corrupt cop.  Then...well, our three hunks reveal that they may have some secrets of their own.  Now Scott is determined to get him, Robby, and CJ to safety...and his stunt driving becomes the star of the film.  But the Saab is Swedish...wimpy car.  The El Dorado is a man's car...advantage Cadillac!

Just what sin was committed and by who to incur the wrath of the big evil El Dorado?  Hey wait!  Any babes in this film?  Yep, you'll see.  Just how corrupt is Charlie and are out hunks in more danger from him than they are the Caddy?  This is a fun one with many twists, but if you pay close attention, the experienced horror fan will figure out just what is going on.  For some fun car chases on ice and snow, and a real mean El Dorado, see "Black Cadillac."