I Drink Your Blood, Rabid Satanists and Machetes

Happens every spring.  Those damned Satanists come to town to wreak havoc. Wouldn't it be nice if we just forgot about their constitutional rights and gave them what they deserve?  Hence 1970's film, a Jerry Gross production, "I Drink Your Blood," directed by David E. Durston.  Not for those with weak stomachs.  One must wonder if this film influenced or inspired George Romero's, "The Crazies."  

A satanic cult headed by Horace (Bhaskar Roy Chowdhury) arrives in town after their van breaks down.  They perform a satanic rite and rape a local girl, Sylvia (Arlene Farber).  Sylvia was brought to the rite by one of the Satanists, Andy (Tyde Kierney)...he should've brought her roller-skating instead.  Sylvia escapes and reaches her granddad's house.  Pete (Riley Mills) is Sylvia's cute little brother who will grow up to be a serial killer.  Granddad goes to where the Satanists are dwelling, an abandoned hotel, to murder them.  The creeps overpower him and fill him with LSD.  Now Pete must act...the future Ted Bundy kills a rabid dog, collects its rabid blood and visits the sultry Mildred (Elizabeth Merner-Brooks) who makes meat pies at her bakery.

Pete arranges the sale of a dozen meat pies to the Satanists. Oh yeah...Pete took the liberty to spike the pies with rabid blood.  Now all the Satanists are rabid and foaming at the mouth.  You'll like Carrie (Lynn Lowry), a mute Satanist who goes crazy with an electric knife.  Now the Satanists grab machetes and pitchforks and attack the town.  Many of the townsfolk will be bitten in battle and become rabid lunatics themselves.  The pretty Sylvia, who has recovered nicely from her rape, has rejoined Satanist Andy, and the two try to survive the horde, along with Pete.  Mildred grabs a shotgun and does the same.  The horde is unstoppable, or so it seems.  Decapitations, pitchfork gutting, and self immolation will ensue.

Will anyone in the town survive?  Should we commend Sylvia for moving past her rape at the hands of the Satanists to begin dating them again?  How about the very pretty Mildred...do the Satanists have special plans for her?  This is a terrific drive-in horror film with much cheese and blood.  For a good old fashioned drive-in horror flick, see "I Drink Your Blood."

Island Zero, Something Attacks Maine

Something has converged on an isolated Maine island at Christmas time. How do we know its Christmas Time? The weirdest Christmas carols keep playing...carols I've never heard before. They remind me of John Carpenter's synthesized Halloween score...only with a holiday motif. This is appropriate because the monster in this is just as eerie and uncomfortable. All this will play out to the detriment of grouchy New England islanders during an attack from the sea in 2018's "Island Zero."

As our film begins a weird old guy and his annoying dog are...well...its not good. We arrive at the island of misfit grouches only to find out their fishing nets are bare and no fish swim in their waters anymore. Why? Yep...something is in the water and it is closing in on them. With fish gone, a new source of food will be needed by the invader. We meet a lot of characters, none likable, but Sam (Adam Wade McLaughlin) is a biologist. He has come to the island after his biologist wife was eaten by a sea creature. Whatever got his wife...he has followed to this island...bad move.

Maggie (Laila Robins) is the town doctor and she has a lot of guns...smart. Then Titus (Matthew Wilkas) is a novelist...or is he? Oh yes...Lucy (Teri Reeves) is the only babe in the film and her fate will be so sad. With electricity cut off by the monster and no ferries on their way, most of the population crams on two boats headed to the mainland...they will all die horribly. Now a handful of grouchy survivors must prepare for an invasion from the sea. They are ill equipped. But wait! Titus isn't who he claims to be and when he lets the islanders (bait) know what they're up against, Maggie forms a plan...albeit, not a very good one. Whatever has eaten all the fish in the sea is now heading to meet the survivors...or sample the menu, if you will.

Just what is in the sea and why hasn't anyone on the mainland come to help? Who exactly is Titus and what does he know? What took Sam's wife and what was she looking for when it got her? Directed by Josh Gerritsen, this sea monster flick is eerie and almost hypnotizing. The final reveal will be wild and ambitious. Not the feel good film of 2018, but it is refreshing to see horror from Maine without Stephen King's name attached.

Sympathy, Three Psychos in a Motel Room

What do you get when you add a beautiful teenage girl to two felons?  Right...three psychos.  Not a good combination, anyway...just picture two of the guys are hardened goons and the gal is a manipulative skank.  Hence much bloodshed and bad behavior.  Today we look at 2007's "Sympathy," directed by Andrew Moorman.

As it begins, Trip (Steven Pritchard) has just robbed a bank.  On the run he grabs the beautiful Sara (Marina Shtelen) at gunpoint.  Now Sara is a hostage.  Trip brings her into a seedy motel room and handcuffs her to the headboard of the bed.  You've met gals like Sara...very appealing until they open their mouths.  When Trip accidentally shoots her in the shoulder...we sort of understand.  Bad news for Trip... Dennis (Aaron Boucher) arrives.  He bursts in the hotel room, also on the run.  Dennis has just escaped from the state pen where he is serving a murder sentence.  The escapee gets the drop on Trip and now Trip is also a hostage.

Dennis shows some of that murderer personality and seems to be quite psycho.  Sara begins trying to manipulate both her captors by demeaning them and then trying to seduce them.  Now all three antagonists develop a hatred toward one another and the conversation between them isn't very edifying.  Wait!  What's going on here?  Just who is the psycho?  You won't believe what Sara, even handcuffed, does to her tormentors.  Ick.  Now the two males, fighting over their hostage, try to decide what to do and what to do with Sara.  Some of you might ask what plans Sara has for her two so-called captors. Oh yes...this will get really bloody...you'll see. 

Just who is Sara and how depraved is she?  Do either Dennis or Trip intend to have their way with the almost nubile Sara, and/or kill her?  Is Trip really a bank robber?  This is a gory and wild one and you never really know who the king (or queen) psycho really is.  Mr. Boucher and Mr. Pritchard are fantastic as the heavies, and Ms. Shtelen is beautiful and will capture your stares...even though you'll want to murder her, too.  See "Sympathy" and meet three losers who you will have no sympathy for.

Dr. Jekyll's Dungeon of Death, Insanity and Depravity

Wild! Vicious! Depraved! Weird! The elitists at IMDB give our feature today a 2.8/10 rating. Alas, the world has never appreciated a mad scientist, except for this Fauci stooge.  Dr. Jekyll may be one of the most famous ones...but imagine if his insanity and viciousness is ramped up ten times.  Today we look at 1979's "Dr. Jekyll's Dungeon of Death," directed by James Wood.

The great grandson of Dr. Jekyll is at it in his San Francisco mansion.  He's experimenting on kidnapped human subjects with a rage drug.  It works.  He has lobotomized his nubile sister Hilda (Nadine Kalmes). Now he gropes and shoves his tongue into her mouth and she doesn't complain...much. He also has chained up the lovely Julia (Dawn Carter Kelly). He keeps her heavily sedated so he can grope and kiss her.  Jekyll pits the kidnap victims against each other in fights to the death.  We are treated to some vicious cat-fights, and you'll enjoy the Kung Fu vixen  (Tes Luz). He also kidnaps Julia's dad, Prof. Atkinson (John F. Kearney).  He is disgusted at Jekyll's experiments and use of human subjects.

Jekyll will sadistically beat Hilda and his other servants.  As Jekyll has his 16th bloke kidnapped, he seems to enjoy pitting males and females against each other in these fights to the death. The mad scientist continues to sexually molest Julia, who laughs at his marriage proposal.  This makes Hilda jealous and now Julia must fear both Jekyll and Hilda.  The increasing lunacy and sadism of Jekyll foretells a bloody and deranged ending.

Is the Jekyll character in this film a foretelling of the emergence of Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx?  Is a cat-fight brewing between Hilda and Julia?  How about this Kung Fu babe...will she be able to escape her bondage and spar with Jekyll?  Yep, vicious and depraved...but with so much energy and sadism, "Dr. Jekyll's Dungeon of Death" is one for true horror fans.

Killer's Delight, Serial Killer Shreds the Beautiful

Anne-Marie Martin!  One of the most beautiful horror actresses of all time.  Wearing only a towel she is slashed and eaten by a slimy creature in "The Boogens."  Then in "Prom Night," she donned an incredibly sexy red sequins prom gown only to be slashed by an axe-wielding maniac.  In today's film, 1978's "Killer's Delight" (aka "The Sport Killer"), she is abducted, stripped, tortured, raped, broken, and dumped in a ditch.  Directed by Jeremy Hoenack, our film today was inspired by Ted Bundy and his maniacal murder spree.  Don't feel too sorry for Ms. Martin...she'll later marry Michael Crichton, famous author (Jurassic Park).

When Ms. Martin is murdered at the start of this film, there have already been about a dozen beautiful women murdered similarly. Detective Vince (James Luisi) is on the case.  He won't get right to it. Initially he is having sex out of wedlock with the sultry psychologist, Dr. Carol Thompson (Susan Sullivan). Meanwhile, Danny (John Karlen) is on the prowl. In disguise he seeks bathing beauties at a public pool.  He has fine taste and will abduct so many of them, torture them, rape them, and break their bones before dumping them.  The bodies pile up...all nude.  Some good police work by Vince helps him identify Danny as the killer...now the real work begins.

Even under police scrutiny, Danny still shreds bathing beauties.  Then Vince has an idea...a bad one.  Remember Dr. Carol?  The psychologist?  Do you think Vince will use her to develop a psychological profile of Danny? No!  Of course not!  Send her undercover as a lounge singer in slinky costumes so she can croon seduction at Danny.  Now Danny has Carol in his crosshairs...but to the psycho Danny...there's something special about this lounge singer.  Now Carol will be in more danger than she realizes with an incompetent police force protecting her.

Is out of wedlock sex with the detective assigned to the case they are both working on a good idea?  Will Dr. Carol have sex with the serial killer if it was a matter of national security?  Will Vince be able to protect his paramour from being raped, broken, and dumped?  This is a brutal one and the ending will be ten times more brutal than the preceding 75 minutes.  For some great cheese through the shredder, see "Killer's Delight."   

Don't Hang Up, Vicious Pranks

It is always fun until someone gets hurt.  Then, it is no longer fun.  In fact...it becomes bloody and deadly. Just harmless fun?  Maybe for some.  For others, unimaginable carnage.  Today we look at 2016's "Don't Hang Up," directed by Damien Mace and Alexis Wajsbrot.  I always say...don't antagonize an unstable populace.  No one listens to me.  What will occur over the next several years will demonstrate that... perhaps this film is a metaphor of the carnage to come.

Sam (Gregg Sulkin), Brady (Garrett Clayton), and Roy (Edward Killingback) have a YouTube channel dedicated to their pranks.  Using the telephone, the high school trio call people and elaborately prank them.  Bad taste abounds.  Several of their pranks inform parents their children have died.  Funny...right? As our film begins they call the lovely Mrs. Kolbein (Sienna Guillory)...and what they do to her is unconscionable.  The pranksters aren't above teen drama as Sam is sad his sultry girlfriend, Peyton (Bella Dayne) is avoiding him.  The fun stops.  A mysterious caller telephones Sam and Garrett.  Where's Roy?  Roy swims with the fishes.  The caller antagonizes the now duo.  He knows where they live and has abducted Brady's parents. 

Now the fiend threatens to murder Brady's parents unless the duo do exactly what he says.  He proves he has total control of their current environment.  Sam and Garrett desperately try to figure out who this guy is and how to save Brady's parents.  Peyton?  The babe?  Yep...the mystery guy abducts her, too.  Now it will get bloody and the fiend turns Brady and Sam against one another.  Peyton is put in peril.  Not so funny when the tables are turned on a prankster.  Uh oh...the weird voice on the phone is not a prankster...he's a sadistic killer.

Are Sam and Brady really innocent victims here?  Will you be pulling for our great looking teens to survive or for them to get what they deserve?  Will the creep shred the lovely, but non-prankster, Peyton, too?  A nice revenge film and perhaps a charge for all of us to be a bit less antagonistic toward our fellow traveler.  It'll be vicious and bloody, but you will enjoy "Don't Hang Up."  

Torture Dungeon, The Royal Family Shredded

There are those two waste-oids...Prince William and Prince Henry.  There is the worthless and irrelevant Kate, nee Middleton.  Then the idiot Meghan Markle...who looks more like Angela Merkle everyday.  Queen Elizabeth?  Is she still alive?  If so...why?  Prince Charles?  Please!  Has he said anything intelligent...ever!  Interbred swine!  Other than People Magazine and its stupid readers, does anyone really have any respect for the worthless pukes who make up the Royal family?  Today we look at 1970's "Torture Dungeon," directed by Andy Milligan.

Lady Jane (Patricia Dillon) is sad.  Norman (Gerald Jacuzzo), the Duke of Norwich just murdered her brother/lover.  She is pregnant with her brother's baby.  Norman, a bi-sexual and sterile dandy seeks to murder everyone who is in front of him in line for the throne...which is like several dozen.  As Lady Jane's brother was in line next, Albert (Hal Borske) is named king.  He is a half-wit after suffering brain damage as a child (kind of reminds you of Charles, William, or Harry).  Next up...find Albert a suitable bride so a male heir will be born.  Enter Heather (Susan Cassidy).  You'll like Heather...she has a lot of pre-marital sex, goes skinny dipping, and even when fully dressed her b**bs hang out and sway in the wind.

Heather is summoned after her boyfriend is murdered.  She is not happy, but is married to the half-wit, anyway.  Norman enters the marital bedroom and guides her and Albert in the act of consummating the marriage.  Enter Ivan, the demented necrophiliac hunchback, and Norman's henchman...and lover.  He murders Albert.  Heather is now on the run.  Norman summons his mistress, Rosemary (Patricia Garvey).  He will humiliate the beautiful Rosemary by making her have pre-marital sex with the demented hunchback.  Back to the plot.  All the babes in line for the throne are on the run.  Ivan and Norman hunt most of them down...but Heather and Lady Jane are running the fastest.  No matter, Norman is also fast and has promised Ivan that he can have cold sex with the corpses of these babes.

In public you may say this sounds too deviant and disgusting for your taste.  I understand.  In private, you will seek this film out...go ahead...I won't say anything.  At least Andy Milligan makes the Royals an interesting sort.  The bloody murders are numerous and the Royal women are babes.  Yes, the beautiful will die so horribly, and the hunks will be felled swiftly.  For a good metaphor for today's Royal family, discard your copy of People and see "Torture Dungeon."

Great White, Sharks Eat Aussies

Okay!  This movie is going to run into critical buzz saws.  The last half hour is brilliant...not stupid and unrealistic.  May I remind you the ending to "Jaws" was totally unrealistic.  In fact, we know the rifle round fired by Brody could not have penetrated the SCUBA tank and blown up the shark.  So there! You want realistic?  Fine!  Go renew your drivers license at the Department of Motor Vehicles...or even better, go get a colonoscopy.  Today we look at 2021's (a Shudder exclusive) "Great White," directed by Martin Wilson.

Australians used to be lovable and endearing...what happened?  As our film begins a very nice looking couple (Jason Wilder and Tatjana Marjanovic) are eaten by a great white shark.  Enter Kaz (Katrina Bowden) and Charlie (Aaron Jakubenko).  She's quite the babe and he is quote the hunk.  After some pre-marital sex the two discuss their failing airplane touring business.  Enter a rich Japanese couple, the arrogant  hunk Joji (Tim Kano) and his beautiful wife Michelle (Kimie Tsukakoshi).  They want an excursion to Hell's Reef so she can drop her grandfather's ashes over some shipwreck.  Also along is the cook, Benny (Te Kohe Tuhakae).  Cook?  I know...but he is the proverbial fifth wheel...can you guess who gets eaten first?

They fly to an island and find the remains of the aforementioned couple.  This puts a damper on things.  While flying out, they investigate the boat which was sunk by the shark.  Now the shark attacks Charlie's plane and sinks it.  The five great looking hunks and babes are now in a small life raft being followed by a 15 foot shark.  Joji ticks everyone off and everyone else looks kind of sad.  Mercifully, the shark begins its attack.  Now the bickering enhances and Charlie comes up with some halfwit ideas for survival.  As their chances of survival look bleak, heroism makes an appearance...but is it too late.  The two gals look great and there will be a gratuitous underwear scene.  The guys?  They grunt a lot.  Then the last half hour of this film...and it is ambitious and life changing.

Will anyone survive the carnage that the great white menace brings?  Will the bickering include a cat fight between Michelle and Kaz?  Is Kaz's pre-marital sex with Charlie an indication of her chances at survival?  Shark movie fans will enjoy this film and fans of babes all wet and in peril accompanied by hunks grunting type films will really enjoy this film.  As the winter nears, enjoy a film from Down Under, "Great White."

The Dark Lurking, Slimy Oozy Things vs Scientists and Soldiers

A classic plot device that cannot fail.  A subterranean bio-weapons lab secreted on a distant planet.  Genetic experimentation.  Dr. Fauci would be proud.  Of course, the experiments go a little too well, and now the humans in the lab are not the top of the food chain.  Why does anyone bother with Kate Winslet films when we have films like this?  Today's feature is the Australian film, 2009's "The Dark Lurking," directed by Gregory Connors.  

As our film begins, all Hell is breaking loose in the aforementioned lab.  The last radio signal received by a rescue ship implied everyone was getting ripped apart.  That's kind of what indeed is occurring.  The ship sends down an extraction team to rescue any surviving scientists from...well...you'll see.  In fact, you will see in just a few seconds.  Slimy, toothy things with razor sharp claws who rip people apart.  Most of the extraction team will be shredded, but Michaels (Bret Kennedy) assumes command.  Most of the scientists are dead...most! Survivors?  The mysterious beauty, Lena, with 'SC17' tattooed on her arm...she's one of the experiments.  But she is really pretty so no one thinks about maybe exterminating her. 

Michaels new mission...get back to the surface with surviving scientists and test subject beauty and rendezvous with the ship.  Now there is a hint that the creatures, numbering several hundred, may also be test subjects...or perhaps other scientists who have turned.  Messy.  The things will even grow tentacles and change some of the soldiers into slimy, toothy beasts.  Now the lead scientist, Konieg (Dirk Foulger) levels with Michaels...the true story of what is going on in this laboratory is even worse than anyone could imagine.  Konieg is insistent that Lena will turn into something evil and vicious...but she is real pretty so Michaels feels a need to protect her,  Then...all Hell breaks loose (a common theme in this film)...you'll see. 

Will the beautiful Lena turn into a slimy monster?  Okay, stop it!  I hear you divorced guys out there.  No! Not all women turn into ferocious beasts after marriage.  Are these experiments funded by the CDC and the WHO?  If Lena does turn, will the divorced male community notice the difference?  Gratuitous in gore, exploding monsters, ripped apart scientists and soldiers, and blood splattering, "The Dark Lurking" is a film you will want to see for a weekend creature feature.  

Bigfoot vs Megalodon, The Ultimate Battle in Space

In 1972 Jacques Cousteau proclaimed that in ten years all the oceans would be reduced to lifeless black goo.  Because John Denver wrote a song about him and he had a pretty good TV show, the world did not hold him to his insane rantings.  In the year 4045, another environmentalist whack-ball is spewing nonsensical rantings...Megalodon.  In a sequel to BIGFOOT VS THE ILLUMINATI , our feature today is 2021's "Bigfoot vs. Megalodon," directed again by BC Fourteen.  A sexy space babe, monsters, and space battles will highlight this computerized animation piece.

Princess Kali (Jennifer Fourteen) and her allies have defeated the Illuminati, but a new foe has emerged.  Ticked off at mankind because of global warming (yawn), Megalodon has gotten a spaceship and is bent on destroying the Princess and all her space forces.  The Princess?  She and Van Helsing (Marco Guzman) have gotten quite close and share pelvic thrusts and vicious sex...we do get frisky in space!  Kali wants a baby and she wants Van Helsing to be the dad...he just wants rough sex...men!  The shark monster sets his sights on the Princess' forces and space battles will ensue.  Now Bigfoot (Guzman) is summoned to help repel the attacks.

Bigfoot and Van Helsing are best friends.  Uh oh!  Van Helsing is infertile...this makes the fertile Princess Kali a sad woman.  Fear not, Dr. Jekyll may have a cure.  The monster shark?  Oh yes...he is continually outsmarted by the Princess and now must try to ally with Alistair Crowley and some lizard people...haven't we all in some of our weaker moments.  The coming skirmish, or space battle, will jeopardize Kali's plans to mate with her lover, and also imperil the friendship between Van Helsing and Bigfoot.  Fear not...the sexy Princess Kali does not intend to lose.

Wait!  No!  I'm not kidding!  Find this one on Tubi!  You'll see.  Will Megalodon prove a formidable foe for Princess Kali and her minions?  Will Van Helsing ever impregnate Kali?  Will Bigfoot get a chance to try to impregnate the fertile princess?  This is a fun one and even though she is computer generated, Princess Kali will emerge as one of the sexiest space-babes ever.  See "Bigfoot vs. Megalodon" and see the new era of "Battlestar Galactica" type science fiction.

Las Vegas Serial Killer, Beauties Decimated in Vegas

No frills.  Just Vegas lovelies dying horribly.  Most of the lovelies are swimsuit beauties...either models or pool party goers.  The murders are bold and reveal the materialism of the Las Vegas culture.  In fact, without exception, if you see a beautiful woman in this film...don't get too attached...she will die horribly.  Misogynistic?  Perhaps...but maybe a mere accurate depiction of the over sexualized culture that is Las Vegas...or America.  Be warned...I wasn't kidding about no frills...just cheese put through the slicer.  Today we look at 1986's "Las Vegas Serial Killer," directed by Ray Dennis Steckler.

Nevada pulls a Michael Dukakis and releases a serial killer (who has already murdered seven beautiful women) from prison after only six years.  However wooden this film is, or how basic the storytelling might be, the plot gets interesting right away.  The killer, Klick (Pierre Agostino) heads back to Vegas to kill some more.  Also headed to Vegas are two lowlifes, Clarence (Ron Jason) and Jack (Chris Cave).  Klick goes to a lot of nudie shows and is sent into a sexual tizzy by the performance of Miss World Burlesque, Toni Alessandrini (herself).  He also is driven to sexual fury by the wonderful Vegas dancer Kat Carson (Kathryn Downey).  Time to kill.

Kill he does.  One pretty and nubile babe is standing a few feet away from her friends at a pool party.  The bikini clad vixen is then jumped and strangled to death with her own bikini top as her friends are too into themselves to look in her direction.  Klick will also invade a swimsuit shoot at a mansion and strangle the models just as they go inside to change,  He has a word for his victims, "Garbage!"  Oh yeah, the two sleaze balls, Jack and Clarence, ogle every beauty that walks by and snatch their purses.  Klick gets bold as he steals a camera and pretends to be a fashion photographer.  Now all the model-wannabes in Vegas call him up for photoshoots and die horribly.  The kill count will be enormous and some of the swimwear is quite impressive.  The ending?  Well, Klick has his eyes on Miss World and Kat as ultimate conquests...but irony will have a say in this film...you'll see.

Vicious and heartbreaking.  The young beauties who will die so horribly are merely trying to earn a buck in a male dominated world.  Klick is lifeless and has the eyes of a great white shark.  Will either Kat or Miss World Burlesque survive the carnage that is moving towards them?  Will those alluring and shiny swimsuits of the 80s make a comeback?  Will Klick's path cross with that of Jack and Clarence's? This is a cold film that will treat beautiful women as toys to be pulled apart and stepped on.  Still, a lot of cheese and violence...gotta love that.  See "Las Vegas Serial Killer" and feel free not to mention you saw it in polite company.     

Nobody Gets Out Alive, The Lunatic Hunts the Other Lunatics

The starlet of our film today is the very beautiful Jen Dance.  We know immediately she is a lunatic because as the film opens she is being released (with plenty of psyche meds) from an insane asylum. We know her release is a mistake because her attending psychiatrist is played by Clint Howard.  How did she become a lunatic?  Genetic!  Her parents are equally as crazy.  When they get her home, do you think they serve her warm milk and encourage her to scrapbook?  No!  They force her to go out with her crazy friends on a camping trip to some woods where everyone knows is prowled by a psycho sledgehammer guy.  Perhaps 2012's "Nobody Gets Out Alive" (directed by Jason Christopher-Mayer, is a metaphor of America's twisted mental health policies inflicted upon us by our government.

The psycho sledgehammer guy?  His name is Hunter (Brian Gallagher)...you'll see his sad backstory.  He prowls the woods looking for college kids engaging in alcohol consumption, pre-marital sex, partying, and marijuana smoking.  When he finds them?  Hunter has thought out his kills...he has so many nice murder tools...like saws and such.  The aforementioned college kids go into the woods after buying beer from a store operated by two clerks with smashed in skulls.  A couple of the notable friends...Jared (Chris Ready) who is clinically insane and Angie (Nikki Bell) a major league skank.  All the above activities, plus skinny-dipping occur quickly.

Hunter arrives.  The initial killings are gratuitous and you can guess the first two to go.  Jenn (Dance) is our babe crazy person.  She is not bonding with the group.  Deron (David J. Bonner) is eager to get into her pants...does that make him crazy?  The beefcake and cheesecake will continue to die horribly.  Now Hunter ramps up his carnage...abducting lovers Michelle (Chelsey Garner) and Mike (Shaun Paul Costello).  Now the film turns to torture porn...oh what Hunter does to these lovebirds!  Now Jenn is on the run and we can hear her psyche meds rattling around her pocket as she does.  Getting more creative with each kill, Hunter pursues the remaining babes and hunks.

Okay, now stop it...I can hear you!  No!  Not all beautiful women are complete psychos!  How about...well...what's her name?  Gimme a second, I'll think of someone.  Anyway!  Will Deron get pre-marital sex from the insane Jenn?  Will Hunter save any of the babes for other nefarious purposes?  So, feel free to send me the names of sane beautiful women and until then, enjoy "Nobody Gets Out Alive." 

Bloody Murder, Camp Counselors Shredded

Okay...Buster Keaton and Abbott and Costello would be proud. The 2000 slasher film "Bloody Murder" has, hands down, the best bloody corpses falling out of a tree scene ever put on film. Yes even better than the one in "Terms of Endearment." This movie may not get a lot of love but we have bikini clad camp counselors dying horribly, hunk camp counselors dying horribly, teens having pre-marital sex dying horribly, and Jessica Morris running for her life through woods and lakes. Poetry.

Teen camp counselors show up early at Placid Pines Camp to get it ready for the summer campers. Jewels (Morris) is one of the new counselors and she arrives with her boyfriend, Jason (Justin Ross Martin). Jason will immediately have pre-marital sex with bikini clad Whitney (Tracey Pacheco). Can you guess Whitney's fate? Yep. A killer, wearing a hockey mask has beset the camp and is now killing the counselors. The nubile and hunk counselors are clueless as the fiend gets rid of the bodies. Jewels, now without a boyfriend, must undergo the sexual harassment of all the other hormone heavy jocks who seek pre-marital sex with her. The murders continue as Tobe (Patrick Cavenaugh), a geek counselor, pleads with Jewels to have pre-marital sex with him...she is a good sport about this.

Now several babes and hunks are missing and the cops arrive. They suspect Jason because he has the same name as that guy from "Friday the 13th." Jewels also finds friendship with another babe counselor, Drew (Crystalle Ford). Drew has anger issues and deep psychological problems...not that this is something for Jewels to be concerned about. Anyway...no one seeks pre-marital sex with Drew...just with Jewels...just saying. Bows and arrows will fell hunks, knives will fell babes...axes will fell both. As Jewels is chased through the woods and lake, clad in some nice camp counselor shorts, our killer seems to have an agenda that may date back twenty years.

Will anyone get to have pre-marital sex with the very lovely Jewels? Will Jewels or the slasher end up killing the two-timing Jason? Will Drew's anger management fail as every hunk counselor wants sex with Jewels and not her? "Bloody Murder" is a perfect film for 1980s slasher fans even though it was made in 2000. For some camp counselor carnage, babes in bikinis, and hunks acting brutish...see "Bloody Murder," directed by Ralph E. Portillo.

Night of the Beast, Devil Eats Lingerie Babes

1990s straight-to-VHS horror can be pure poetry. These features may have shown up on late night Cinemax, but had many endearing qualities. Today we will look at 1993's "Night of the Beast" (aka "Lukas' Child"), which boasts of nubile aspiring actresses abducted in their naughty undies, often in states of nudity, and fed to a demon child by Satanists. Sure, a direct metaphor for the Hollywood entertainment industry, but also gratuitous fun. Directed by Eric Louzil, this feature is heavy on the cheese.

Lukas (Robert May) is an old guy who runs a movie studio...and a satanic priest. His company is casting beautiful actresses for a horror movie...or, that's his story. After the babes come in for an interview, he sends his son, Jason (Mark Richardson) to abduct them. Jason always shows up either when the ladies are showering, or clad in intimate lingerie. The ladies are then caged at the studio. After an elongated ritual, one girl is selected. She is thrown into a cage with 'the child.' The child is a monster with horns and wings and he eats the babes as they scream and beg for mercy. So sad. Even sadder, the cop on the case is the incompetent Detective Steve (Gene LeBrock). Steve is trying to have pre-marital sex with his hot partner, Detective Susan (Shanna McCullough). She refuses.

Detective Steve has needs and begins having pre-marital sex with babe witnesses, who are friends of the abducted girls. Joycelyn (Jacqueline Gorman) will have pre-marital sex with Steve a lot, and also show us a whole line of intimates. She'll of course be abducted by Jason, as Detective Steve is slow on developing clues. Now Joycelyn is on the menu as other nubile, scantily clad actresses are fed to the satanic offspring. Detective Susan is smart and has what it takes to solve the case...but she'll go on vacation...bummer. Finally, through no fault of his investigative prowess, Steve is led to the warehouse where the girls are caged.

Will Detective Steve be in time to save the lingerie-clad Joycelyn?  Will he free the other babes even if they won't have pre-marital sex with him? Will the police department ever send Detective Steve for sexual harassment counseling? This is a gratuitous film in which at least a dozen of the actresses will scream a lot, and be chased and eaten by a monster. Their intimates will highlight these scenes. For a great movie viewing experience with gratuitous lingerie, shower, and pre-marital sex scenes, see "Night of the Beast."

Matched, Dating Apps and Psychos

Think about it.  Why would anyone be honest on a dating app?  Isn't deceit sort of built into online dating? Blemishes seem to disappear when our smart phones do the talking.  You know what else disappears?  Anti-social or psychotic behavior, homicidal tendencies, and hallucinatory obsessions.  At least as far as the app goes.  In reality, these things are tough to hide.  In face to face meetings, these all become apparent...especially if you are tied up and a knife wielding lunatic is your match.  Today we look at 2021's "Matched," directed by Salvatore Marotta.

The Hitched app connects superficial hunks and babes seeking wild sex.  Kelly (Arielle Fray), a tattooed beauty wannabe is on it and sees the hunk of her dreams.  She's too shy to give him a 'like.'  Dillon (Sean Tapiero) is the hunk.  While being teased by his buddy Kyle (Alec Centeno), he mistakenly gives Kelly a 'like.' Now Kelly believes the two are destined for a lifetime of romance and sex.  She begins communicating with Dillon through the app.  Dillon is repulsed by this weirdo and blocks her.  Her deterioration begins here.  Now Kelly creates a fictitious  identity and uses a supermodel photo for the profile and posts it on the app.  Dillon loves it and gives it a 'like.'

Kelly, through her phony identity, and Dillon begin communicating through the app and get along famously.  They finally get to meet.  The meeting doesn't go well.  When Dillon sees the supermodel is actually the weirdo (now he calls her a psycho), he humiliates her and runs out.  Kelly becomes the psycho she is accused of and is bent on ruining Dillon's life.  Unfortunately for Dillon, Kelly proves more psycho than Norman Bates.  Kelly's vicious insanity doubles by the minute and eventually we see her demented grand plan for the love in her life.

I should mention two other outstanding performances.  Natalia Cruz as Vanessa, Dillon's confidant, and Megan Russel as Jessica, Kelly's confidant. These two actresses provide some great cheese and deliver vital performances in this thriller.  Will Dillon learn to love the knife wielding psycho?  In a metaphorical sense, don't all guys eventually have to ask this question about their girlfriends?  Is the Hitched app and the resulting carnage a good metaphor for what the real dating apps actually provide today's hunk and babe wannabes?  See "Matched" for a pertinent thriller...and evaluate if you really want to date.