Mega Scorpions, Them Made by Full Moon Entertainment

What if Charles Band and Full Moon Pictures remade "Them"? Replace James Whitmore's character with a zany funeral director and then replace James Arness' character with a sultry blonde skank...and we have 2003's "Mega Scorpions." Almost the exact same picture, except Full Moon's version has more blood and guts.

The sultry ex-con Joey (Sarah Megan White) is making out with Eric (Jeff Dylan Graham) when he decides to get more probing. Bad move, as a six-foot scorpion will rip him apart sending Joey running back home, drenched in her former beau's blood. See, hazardous waste has been illegally dumped on a scorpion nest and the buggers grow...and grow...and grow. Now the beasts beset an Arizona town, more notably, beset a halfway house filled with ex-cons. One ex-con is Jim (Nicolas Read) who is on parole for killing his wife (Brinke Stevens). It was a bum rap as the lovely Miss Stevens was ripped apart by a monster scorpion.

Now, maybe, people will believe Jim as a horde of these fiends invade town. They'll eat the mayor, sheriff, some more halfway house residents. Now the director of the house, Alice (Marcella Laasch) will team up with Jim to find the evil nest as the sultry and promiscuous Joey will team up with the funeral director Collins (Sewell Whitney) to figure out how to kill the mutant insects. As the scorpions get bolder, our dimwitted quartet will have to luck into some good fortune in order to turn the tables on the hungry and malicious beasts.

Will Joey find someone else to make out with after she showers the remains of Eric off of her? Will the nerdy Collins be able to find a way to kill the monsters and perhaps earn a chance to suck face with Joey? Is the scorpion invasion of Arizona a pertinent metaphor for the invasion of all the New York and New England  seniors leaving their snowy climate for newly built Arizona suburbs?  "Mega Scorpions" is a Full Moon production, directed by J.R. Bookwalter, which will throw a lot of green slime and bloody guts at you...enjoy!