Alien 3000, Invisible Monster and Lunatics

Pamela Kawada is a terrific actress who has only made one film, 2004's "Alien 3000" (aka "Unseen Evil 2"). She portrays Ester, a lunatic locked up in a psychiatric hospital, infatuated with a television remote control, and always yelling, "You're evil." In films her character is institutionalized, in real life, well...she is standing behind you in line at Costco. Unfortunately she will remain in the loony bin for the entire film but her character is a good metaphor of what awaits all of us after our best days slip into the past. Anyway...we have a good one today with vicious monsters, nymphomaniac mercenaries, and buried treasure.

"Unseen Evil 1"? Don't even ask. An invisible toothy creature (who won't stay unseen) shreds the cast of "Unseen Evil 1." That is except for the pretty Kate (Megan Molloy), who will then be institutionalized...and be called 'evil' by the aforementioned Ester. Now a babe from the Office of Paranormal Investigations (OPI), Carla (Shilo May) and Lyles spring her because they believe there is a monster. Carla (who will die horribly) contracts a red-neck posse that includes the greedy Burke (Matt Emery) and the sultry Phoebe (Phoebe Dollar). Phoebe loves deviant sex and cat-fights...a great addition to this plot. Also in the posse is hunk army guy McCool (Christopher Irwin), and Kate likes him.

Okay, the creature starts shredding the posse as they all want the gold treasure hidden in its cave. Phoebe gets it anally from Burke and loves it, and Kate and McCool share a tent but are too clean-cut to do anything. Meanwhile back at OPI, lead scientist Priscilla Barnes is killed horribly by another alien playing opossum. This sends Lorenzo Llamas and another hunk to join up with Kate and the red-necks. This won't go well and Phoebe engages in a cat-fight with Kate as the creature kills more of the posse. Now Phoebe and Burke are more interested in stealing the treasure, but Kate decides the monster needs to die and the trio form a doomed alliance to survive and kill.

Will Kate and McCool learn from the screams and grunts emanating from Phoebe and Burke's tent and perhaps experiment on some deviant moves? Will the creature learn from Phoebe's taste in sex and desire Kate as a intergalactic partner? Is the incompetence of OPI a blatant metaphor for the incompetence of the federal government, in general? The gore and f/x are quite good and the beefcake and cheesecake also excel. For a straight-to-DVD epic which dwarfs any of the drama in the stupid Marvel or DC trash out now, enjoy "Alien 3000."