Even Lambs Have Teeth, or I Spit on Your Grave 4

Wait...is there an "I Spit on Your Grave 4"? I think they have only done it up to Part 3. Say no more because 2015's "Even Lambs Have Teeth" could very well be that part 4. With a bit more frivolity and a little less ominousness, two young babes endure seedy rape and torture and traipse through rural Washington with axes and weed-whackers in search of justice. I know, we've all been there. As serious as this sounds, this film is done with a certain playfulness that will no doubt offend the perpetually offended.

Sloane and Katie (Kirsten Zien and Tiera Skovbye) plan to work at an organic farm in order to earn enough money to go on a New York City shopping spree. These two beauties are dropped off in the proverbial rural town filled with religious fanatics and rapists. Two suave slime-balls (Jameson Parker and Darren Mann) abduct them, with help from their twisted mother (Gwynyth Walsh). The beauties are stripped to their undies and confined to containers where townsfolk pay to rape them. Yep, even the sheriff is part of this travesty.

Their bondage won't last as Katie makes a move right out of "Underworld," and now the gals are free. They then go on a shopping spree which includes axes, rope, chains, a weed-whacker, and lighter fluid. Having been raped several times, each of the gals elect to stay in rural Washington and kill everyone who had a hand in their abduction/rapes. Looking more like 'Thelma and Louise' than the victims in the "I Spit on Your Grave" films, our duo inflict a very painful brand of justice, that in one case involves a rather painful enema.

Will Sloane and Katie be able to complete their quest to rid Washington State of deviants, or will their luck run out? After surviving the tortuous captivity, how will these two beauties emerge? Is this film a loose metaphor seeking to highlight the increasing tension between Washington's rural culture versus the progressive Seattle culture that seeks to encroach on them? Enjoyable? Yes...but don't say that out loud as the more sophisticated among us won't approve. Enjoy a rape/revenge tale, and see "Even Lambs Have Teeth," directed by Terry Miles.

TheCampusHouse.Com, Babes...Hunks...WebCams...Slasher

Does anyone study in college? Not in the movies that make this blog. This isn't a criticism as the students in these films are very busy. They drink alcoholic beverages, have pre-marital sex, smoke marijuana, and die horribly at the hands of a slasher with a fanaticism for morality. The 80s era slasher films arrived in the new millennium with little to adapt to. College students hadn't changed, especially their penchant for pre-marital sex, but they became computer savvy. No matter, in 2002's TheCampusHouse.com, they will die in the same fashion.

35 years ago a very pretty aspiring artist was impaled in her home by a slasher. The crime was never solved. Present day, that house is re-opened and will be housing for Decatur College hunks and babes. Six lookers will be invited to live there as part of a webcam reality show. Cameras will capture their every trial, scandal, sex-act, and moments of nudity. Brook (Tracy Pacheco) is the beauty we glob on to. She's a beauty and has a bit of a clean-cut personae. Her bestie and roomie Jessica (Amy Hunter) is the prototypical slut and is constantly taking her top off...on camera. The makers of the show are sincere, and the pretty director Caroline (Renee Townes) is eager for her cast to get more risque.

Uh oh...someone else appears to have showed up. At first some of the control room crew get it. Decapitation or impalement are favorite methods of our psycho. Then the students begin to assume room temperature. Brook begins looking better and shows more cleavage and her roomie Jessica continues to take her clothes off. Awww, some of them fall in love and Brook and Ian (Jason Hamer) hook-up...they are so cute.  As the students begin thinking the killer of 35 years ago has returned they begin investigating. This won't go well as they find out nothing and decide to split up...and Jessica continues to take her top off. More will die and as Jessica dons a tight, leather mini-skirt, we are certain her demise is imminent.

Is the killer from 35 years ago back for more carnage? Are Brook and Ian too cutesy to be real, and is one of them our fiend? How about the babe Caroline the director, might she be introducing murder to increase the traffic on her new webcam show? The kills are pretty good and there is a lot of cheesecake and beefcake in this one. For a metaphor of the intellectual carnage facing our brightest kids on over-priced college campuses, enjoy "TheCampusHouse.Com," directed by David J. Gardner.

Literature Review: Mimi by Eric Karell

He's a young genius...so why does he continue down a road of self-ruination? This is a hard question to answer, and perhaps we have all seen this guy in our lives. Unlike the blokes we know, the protagonist in Eric Karell's Mimi may have an excuse which we can't empathize with...his past experiences are anchored decades into the future. Confused? Let us look at an extremely erotic love story, which may be a fantasy novel...which will definitely be a horror story. Either way you take it, you will be engrossed and...turned-on.

A brilliant legal career eventually gives way to a nightmarish jaunt into failure and tragedy. Karl's family not only falls apart but his children die horribly. His wife leaves and Karl is left to assess and go mad. We initially like Karl, he loves 70s exploitation and horror films and is infatuated with a deceased 70's exploitation actress Cynthia Jamison. Karl's tragic voyage connects him to Cynthia's demise decades earlier when drugs and creepy guys led to her demise. Not able to save his own family, Karl is determined to save this long dead goddess...but how?

Enter the occult and supernatural...and Karl finds himself back in 1978...the year Cynthia dies. Yep...he meets the gal of his dreams at an A-List party and the two quickly dive into an erotic and unhealthy relationship. Karl is smart enough to move on...but remember what brought him to 1978. Something deep inside Karl glues him to this ill-fated beauty. Her survival is vital to his redemption for the tragedy that befell his own family. The sex will be glorious and many of us will be saying, "Is that even possible?" Of course most of us aren't banging a cocaine addicted, sleazy men's magazine- model. As with most sexual ecstasy, when not in the confines of marriage, the consequences will be just as dramatic. No spoilers here, but Karl and Cynthia's (nicknamed Mimi) will send you to the showers and eventually have you gasping.

Can anything good result from Karl's mysterious bout with time-travel? Can Cynthia be saved, and if so how will the future be changed? Does 1970s exploitation and its ill-fated queens have a place in the fantasies and imaginations of all of us 50 something guys? Despite the emphasis on erotic fantasy, by the time you reach the final pages, this will be a horror story...you'll see. For a quick, steamy, and vicious look at the consequences of one man's fantasy, read Eric Karell's Mimi. To order this novel on Amazon, click on the link below.
Mimi by Eric Karell

Jigsaw, Saw Blade Fells Babes and Hunks

Even though the premise of this film may not be entirely original, 2002's "Jigsaw" still comes across as quirky and unique. From Charles Band and Full Moon Pictures, we have a terrific slasher film with underwear clad damsels and drunk hunks beset by a most original slasher. Many will be reminded of the 1980s classic "Pieces," but this one has a twist...and a different surprise ending.

Slick Junior College professor, Colin (Barret Walz) assigns his five students a weird project. Each will take a piece of a mannequin (two arms, two legs, and a head) and make it into a unique piece of art. Then they will convene at a bar and reassemble the mannequin exposing the personality traits and desires of the group. Oh yes...shots and beer will be heavily consumed. Val (Mia Zifkin) has a crush on Colin and he tries to get in her pants. When this doesn't work he will try the same to married Louise (Maren Lindow). Oh yes...Tawny (Aimee Bravo)! She is gratuitous and every shot of her is...well..gratuitous. She'll spend much of the film either exotic dancing or clad in alluring undies. Can you guess if she will survive this film?

Okay, the thing is reassembled and as the class gets more drunk they burn it in a bonfire outside the bar. Surprise! The mannequin, Jigsaw (Brain Ellis) comes alive. He has a rotating saw blade as an arm and uses it to disassemble the class. He takes arms...legs...and now needs a head. As the hunks and babes fall, Jigsaw seems to want to assemble his own mannequin using human parts. Tawny will do her dance, beg for pre-marital sex while drunk and then come face to face with Jigsaw...so sad. Val and Eddie (Arthur Simone) seem to fall in love as Professor Colin emerges as a cad. Now Jigsaw looks to complete his mannequin and his saw-arm is just getting started.

Will there be a final girl, and if so does the lead skank, Tawny, have a shot at that role? How about this smooth but perverted Professor Colin...did he know Jigsaw would come to life? Which head will Jigsaw choose, and will it be a hunk's or a babe's? This is a gratuitous one both in gore an in cheesecake, and the underwear laden ending will surely please you guys out there. Enjoy "Jigsaw," directed by Don Adams and Harry James Picardi.

The Special, Just Say No...If You Can

The monster that is addiction. Just saying no may make a great bumper-sticker but the physiology of humans makes that adage unrealistic. Addiction takes over and just like Lon Chaney, Jr., you change...into a monster. Those near to you are endangered (never mind yourself), and just like the werewolf, you can blend into society. Before others know what you have become, its too late. Some may die, some may be ruined, and its all your fault. The horror film can offer so many blatant metaphors for addiction and the addicted, so today we look at a new film by B. Harrison Smith, "The Special." A preachy tale about addiction? Perhaps, but be warned...this is a horror story...an icky one that will stick with you long after the end credits.

Jerry (Davy Raphaely) is a wee bit paranoid and perhaps mildly anxious...no great sin. Him and his bestie Mike (David Sheridan) are having a few one night and Jerry is upset 'cause his wife is cheating on him. Always the enabler, Mike puts forth a plot for revenge...and suggests Jerry do the same. At first hesitant, Jerry agrees and the two pay a visit to Madame Zhora's (Susan Moses) brothel for "The Special." What is it? Ha! Watch the movie and find out...but Jerry is quite taken with it. Wait, I should say, he is infatuated with it...maybe addicted? Now Jerry is obsessed and the obsession drives him to do things...really bad things...he otherwise wouldn't do.

We see Jerry begin his downward spiral and this is really sad because his sultry wife Lisa (Sarah French) apparently isn't the two-timer Jerry originally thought. Too late, the downward spiral which Jerry is trapped in gets destructive. Its no longer Jerry...at least not the Jerry Lisa knows. As many sultry babes in horror stories, we begin to see a perilous journey for Lisa as addiction (but to what?) invades her marriage. Jerry changes and people will die, lives will be ruined, and a never ending cycle of evil and destruction seem to be forming. Again, what is "The Special" that traps Jerry? You'll see. I've held back spoilers but expect gore, and horror...if we were talking about a bottle of Jack Daniels, well, this film wouldn't be on this blog.

Is there hope for Jerry...and Lisa? Exactly what is "The Special" and how did it get hold of Jerry so quickly...or can it be banished from his life? Is there something more than deviant sex offered at Madame Zhora's brothel? The reveal will be shocking and the plot leading up to it will be unsettling and squirm-inducing. Long after the end credits the ick factor will grow more intense as your brain begins to process just what "The Special" has laid onto your conscience. For some shocking horror which puts forth a hard metaphor about addiction, see B. Harrison Smith's "The Special." Those of you who write screenplays may want to take some lessons for the two who wrote it for this film, Mark Steensland and James Newman (they wrote the novella, too), who kept this horror story crisp and fast-paced.

Suffer the Children, The Horror of a Nursery Rhyme

Ah, the nursery rhymes that captured our childhood. A happy and carefree time put forth in verse and idealism. In these ballads it almost seems that this pristine time in our lives may be eternal, but sadly we all know we must move on...eventually to the turmoil and uncertainty of adulthood. But were those anthems of our youth really intended to raise images of unicorns, rainbows, and fairies? This is a horror blog, so let us look at what Andy Van Scoyoc put forth in her re-imagining of the nursery rhyme "Suffer the Children." 

"Suffer the Children," skip rope to it, chant it in an even beat, maybe put an innocent tune to it...beautiful. Andy doesn't pull in jump ropes or sappy songs but does give us this nursery rhyme in its entirety. With a haunting score, mixed in with grave images of angelic children (many from cemeteries), we are presented a haunting, and sadly a so often realistic picture of childhood. Sure...play and laughing are present, but reading newspapers and watching newscasts, and observing our surroundings reveal elements of childhood that in many instances include abuse, terminal illness, debilitating mental disabilities, and an entire culture eager to addict our angels to psychotropic drugs and hateful propaganda.

An actual reveal of the text of this nursery rhyme does hint at this. Sure, the innocent among us are indeed "full of grace," but a few words later that same child is "full of woe." When we heard this poem as children we focused on love...with some artistic manipulation (music and images), Andy delivers a poem truer to its original intentions. Yes, the children should be innocent, but cemeteries are indeed filled with our most innocent among us because of evil adults and selfish intentions. Our most precious resource is preyed upon by a society that has perverted priorities and a growing impatience for the inconvenient...which children can be. Andy has given us this nursery rhyme suggesting these sordid realities...and this may be uncomfortable to us simply because we see it as a convicting tale.

Andy's work in delivering an interpretation of "Suffer the Children" may be difficult to watch, but watch it we should. In some small way I believe Andy is making a plea to wake up and realize that we have lost our nurturing and protective sense in western civilization in favor of selfishness and exploitation. God help the children and maybe Andy's film is a good first step to re-prioritizing our children.
To see Andy's "Suffer the Children," click on this link Suffer the Children

Alien Incursion, Toothy Creatures vs. Sultry Ranger

Ranger Kelly (Kiara Hunter)! She's perky, blonde, and bad a**. Characters like these usually are saved for comic books, but today we will see her fire a lot of guns, go to war with an elite military team and alien creatures, all while trying to keep some beautiful, but ill-equipped, campers alive. Not all will live and some of the beautiful will die horribly. The clowns at IMDB rated this a 1.6 out of 10...what fools! 2006's "Alien Incursion" is a terrific scifi/horror film.

A meteor takes out a camper, wounding another. The dead camper is the lucky one as black-worm like parasites infest the survivor. The parasites nest and a toothy creature explodes out of the former survivor. Enter three hunk campers...their day just got temporarily better as Ranger Kelly and three babe campers arrive. Soon the Ranger and amorous campers realize alien creatures abound as they find bloody remains all around them. Uh oh, one of the hunks gets infested with parasite worms and will swap spit (and parasites) with babe camper Sam (Samantha McLeod). Now Sam is infested.

As Ranger Kelly and the campers build a campsite an elite military unit of alien hunters arrive. Commanded by an evil soldier (John Sampson), the team shoots Sam as an alien explodes out of her and pummel the snot out of Ranger Kelly. Now the soldiers have taken the campers hostage with the intention of killing them...they know too much. But wait...Harry (Ken Roberts) arrives. He is a survivalist who has been fighting Bigfoot and other creatures for decades...and he's Ranger Kelly's estranged dad. He helps the campers escape and now they are all on the run from the military...and alien creatures. Alien-exploding-out-stomach-gore, torture, gunfights, and alien feasting-on-human-action follow.

At times this is a heartbreaking film in which some sultry campers die horribly, but will the nubile Ranger Kelly survive? Two of the campers (Grayson Hosie and Holly Elissa) will fall in love, but will the creatures allow these potential lovers to consummate their relationship with pre-marital sex? Is the elite military alien hunting unit an accurate portrayal of how covert assassination teams (run by the CIA) operate inside the America? Okay, my conspiracy theorist followers are a powerful bloc...I must cater to them. The perky and beautiful Ranger Kelly will figure prominently in one of the best endings in movie history, so ignore IMDB and take in "Alien Incursion," directed by Jeffery Scott Lando.

Hell Asylum, Actress Wannabes Shredded by Ghosts

Reality TV! I think it is going out the door as America tires of this gimmick. I say that, but in 2002 when "Hell Asylum" was made, the same logic was put forth, yet we still have reality TV today. No matter, if a plot device has a sultry blonde clad in black undies and black leather boots running through a haunted asylum as malicious ghosts chase her...well...reality TV or not, this is true poetry. From Full Moon Pictures and Charles Band, "Hell Asylum" is our feature today.

Max (Timothy Muskatell) is producing a reality TV show called "Chill Challenge." He has five sultry contestants that will vie for a million dollars. The babes will have to complete challenges in a very haunted asylum. The contestants? Paige (Debra Mayer) is the beautiful bitch. Amber (Tanya Dempsey), the aforementioned booted blonde. Rainbow (Sunny Lombardo) is a Goth. Stacey (Stacey Scowley) is another blonde babe. Marti (Olimpia Fernandez), the tough-talking athlete. The show starts and we learn immediately the ghosts are real and they tend to pull all the innards out of their victims.

The girls are all cowards and will scream well, but their given tasks meet with extreme violence. Uh oh...this show may not be on the up and up as Max may have a plant among the contestants...no matter, the ghosts won't care and begin shredding the lovelies. As Max' staged scares beset the young ladies, so do the ghosts. Pick your favorite one, but choosing a final girl (if there is one) will not be easy. A highlight is when Amber has maggots and centipedes poured on her and she reacts by stripping to her black undies and leather boots...an admirable reaction to B movie fans. Crew and lovelies are all prey to the asylum ghosts and the specters don't have an appetite to spare anyone.

Just who are these ghosts and what is the backstory of this asylum? Will Amber's striptease of fear and alluring undie and boot get-up boost her chances at being the 'final-girl'? Even if everyone dies, will the networks still run the taped footage in search of ratings? Gratuitous in gore and cheesecake, "Hell Asylum" is a worthwhile take, especially if you like to see beauties, with alluring get-ups, running for their lives.

Alone in the Dark II, Witch vs. Natassia Malthe

The witch wins...so sad. Good news in this Uwe Boll production is that Natassia Malthe and Michael Pare are in it. Bad news, they will be torn apart before the opening credits by an evil hag. The only other appearance by Ms. Malthe after the credits is when her mangled body is shown on a slab in the morgue. Not really a sequel, 2008's "Alone in the Dark II" still features the same protagonist, albeit played by a different actor.

As a result of the above mentioned massacre, Edward (Rick Yune) is stabbed by a cursed dagger. He'll live but his soul must fight against being taken over by the above mentioned witch. He'll almost die until a group of ill-prepared paranormal investigators take him in. Natalie (Rachel Specter) kinda likes him and with Natassia Malthe ripped apart, maybe she has a chance with him. Enter Abner (Lance Henriksen)...a paranormal doctor...he injects Edward with a masking solution making him temporarily invisible to the witch. The witch strikes and wipes out a lot of the paranormal group including Danny Trejo...yes Danny Trejo...he's in this.

As the witch focuses on Edward's soul, she also makes a play for Natalie's soul. The hunk Edward and the good looking, though not as sultry as Natassia Malthe, Natalie then figure they need to take the fight to the evil hag. Defeating the hag won't be easy as she is magic and cunning, and Edward will have to get really close to her/it. Uh oh...Natalie isn't a mere random babe on the hag's radar. As Natalie's relationship to the hag is revealed, Edward realizes he must succeed in his quest if he ever wants to have pre-marital sex with the not-as-sultry-as-Natassia-Malthe-babe Natalie.

Will Edward succeed in murdering the evil hag? Just why does the not-as-sultry-as-Natassia-Malthe-babe Natalie become the witch's priority? Could this film be remade with Natassia Malthe coming back as a good-witch to have a cat-fight with the evil witch? I guess that would be silly. For some witch and dagger fun, see "Alone in the Dark II." Oh...BTW...P.J. Soles is also in this.

The Dark Stranger, Dangers of Graphic Novels

Graphic novels are growing in popularity and are arriving as counter-culture mediums become mainstream. Many are dark and ominous, and many beget TV shows ("The Walking Dead") or movies ("Whiteout" or "Priest"). As with any artistic medium, these novels can consume as fictitious landscapes cross the line into reality...at least in the minds of the writers or readers. Hence 2015's "The Dark Stranger."

Leah (Katie Findlay) is a talented young artist recovering from all sorts of psychological maladies. She's a cutter, and depression almost got her. Her mom (Emma Campbell), also an artist, committed suicide after battling the bottle and severe depression. Unable to create after her mom's suicide, Leah assumes she will suffer the same fate as her mom. After a blood draining accident, magic happens...Leah's creativity comes back and she begins creating a graphic novel. Uh oh...is that red ink really ink? The plot centers on a far off land where she is a created being with a beautiful gift of song. Uh oh...some dark force has taken over her drawing hand and born out of that is a dark stranger (Stephen McHattie) bent on capturing the soul of Leah.

As the Dark Stranger is created, anyone who tries to help Leah is killed...like her shrink Dr. Parsons (Jennifer Dale). The shrink gets it when the dark stranger emerges from the pages inked by Leah and twists her head around. Now its a battle of wills as Leah tries to add to her work by fighting the dark stranger. The dark stranger is strong and is able to muscle Leah's drawing hand to create what he wants. As the specter gets smarter, he abducts Leah's loved ones and holds them hostage until Leah finishes her work the way he wants. Now Leah knows she must confront the thing...but where, in her world or his world?

Will Leah's ending to her new story be inspired by the dark stranger? Exactly what is the backstory of this fiend...did Leah really create it or did he grab onto Leah?  Will her mom's bloody fate also be Leah's? Graphic novel fans will enjoy "The Dark Stranger," as much of the landscape is in the pages of Leah's work. For an interesting, and bloody story, see "The Dark Stranger," directed by Chris Trebilcock.

Sea Beast, It Spits and Eats You

The Great White? Yawn.... The Kraken? Oh please... Ahhh, the Angler Fish!  Now that is a creature that will send you in the opposite direction screaming. What is an Angler Fish? Funny, that's what many of the characters in 2008's "Sea Beast" keep asking. No one really heard of it before a babe marine biologist told them it was eating the population. Gotta love those babe scientists in these types of films. For you ladies, fear not, this one stars Corin Nemec and his five o' clock shadow.

Will (Nemec) captains a fishing boat that is caught in a storm.Uh oh, Will witnesses one of his men lost overboard...but wait, Will swears he saw a creature jump on his boat and take him away. Without a catch and a dead crewman, Will is having money and alcohol troubles. Uh oh, his sultry teen-age daughter, Carly (Miriam McDonald), is messing around with another of his crewmen, Danny (Daniel Wisler). These two will meet up with the beautiful Erin (Christie Laing) and sneak to a nearby island for pre-marital sex...and probably alcohol and marijuana. Sadly, Erin's BF is also eaten after the monster angler fish spits slime on him.

 The good news, Arden (Camille Sullivan), a beautiful marine biologist hits town concerned with weird algae readings. Will will be sweet on her. As Will begins to tell people what he saw an angler fish monster, a hunting party is assembled and will promptly be disassembled by the creature...wait...creatures! There's dozens of them. Now the buggers head to the island where they will paralyze Erin and chomp away at her while she is awake. As Danny seeks pre-marirtal sex with Carly, he gets bitten and infected. Carly shows an ability to kill the long-tongued monsters, but there are just too many of them. As Danny's infection gets worse, the two must brave the monsters to try to escape the island. Fear not, Will and the babe marine-biologist Arden are on the way. As the creatures quickly multiply, the chance of survival by the humans seems slim.

Do Arden and Will actually have a plan or will Corin Nemec's alluring five o' clock shadow and Arden's alluring wet-suit save the day? Is this a morality tale denoting what happens when pre-marital sex and probably alcohol or maybe marijuana is on the agenda instead of homework and animal husbandry classes? This is a neat one and it is always good to see Corin Nemec and any babe marine-biologist tackle slimy sea creatures. For a neat monster flick with cool long-tongued, spitting creatures, see "Sea Beast," directed by Paul Ziller.

Deathsport, The Kung Fu Guy in a Loin Cloth

Don't fret...sure we see a lot of David Carradine in a loin cloth brandishing a big sword. Fortunately, if you can get beyond the 'oh gross' moment, this is a Roger Corman film and Claudia Jennings is in it, often times wearing less than a loin cloth. So let us delve back into the post-apocalyptic genre where radioactive mutants and tyrannical warlords try to ruin everyone's day. Hence, 1978's "Deathsport."

Kaz (Carradine) is a 'guide.' What's a 'guide'? Don't even ask. He's captured by soldiers from a tyrannical city. Also captured is the sultry Deneer (Jennings). She is also a 'guide.' It really isn't important what they are. Both are in jail-cells and communicate psychically. Lord Zirpola (David McLean) will force them to participate in 'Deathsport.' Deathsport throws people captured in the wasteland into an arena to be hunted down by thugs on death machines (motorcycles with death rays). Oh yeah, Lord Zirpola's brain is deteriorating making him more sadistic. This evil tyrant likes to have exotic dancers perform nude for him, while he tortures them with electricity.

Anyway, Penthouse centerfold Valerie Rae Clark turns the table on Zirpola and kills him. The more evil Ankar (Richard Lynch) takes control. Kaz and Deneer form a psychic union which means a lot of things, most importantly...they engage in passionate pre-marital sex. Deathsport arrives and Kaz and Deneer pull a fast one and escape after purloining two death machines and bust out other prisoners as well. Ankar pursues, swearing to kill Kaz. Deneer and Kaz will meet radioactive mutants and will have to defeat them before they reach safety. Ankar and his thugs close in on them and our two amorous guides fall deeper in love.

Will Kaz and Deneer rid themselves of the evil Ankar, find safety, and make little 'guides'?  Will Ankar, as the new leader of this tyrannical kingdom find more Penthouse centerfolds to torture? What happened to Valerie Rae Clark after this film? Actually she left acting and nude posing and became a school teacher and married some lucky guy and appears to have been happily married for decades. Not a great film, but if you can get beyond the whole 'guide' thing, well..."Deathsport" will definitely entertain you.

Megaconda, Big Snake Eats Colorado

A snake a mile long? No, not some gratuitous porno movie, but a Syfy Channel type film that can boast of a great cast. Hey, say what you want about the merits of this film but it is better than anything Harrison Ford has done in the past 30 years...or Kevin Costner for that matter. Okay, Michelle Bauer is in this film even though her character is largely irrelevant...but she is Michelle Bauer so we are glad to see her and her .357 Magnum. Hence 2010's "Megaconda."

An evil construction company, headed by Parker (Greg Evigan) is blasting a Colorado park to turn it into a strip mall. An underground cavern is opened and an anaconda a mile longer slithers out. It eats a construction worker. Jake (Dylan Vox) reports the schmuck missing to Sheriff Wayne (Ted Monte). He is low energy and looks to have overdosed on Ambien.  Meanwhile, Hoke (Michael Gaglio), a poacher, tells the sheriff his partner is missing...he should've told the sheriff "WAKE UP!!!!!" Okay, the sheriff's son Ross (Christopher Yokum) and his sultry GF Wendy (Jessica Irvine Drake) go up to the construction site to film the rape of the land. They are news reporter wannabes. Their amateur hour will just get the real news crew eaten...goodbye Channel 6.

Enter Anna (Bauer)...she has a big gun and big...well, never mind. She is a wildlife artist and joins Wendy and Ross. The snake chases them. Oh yeah, Tina (Brianna Lee Johnson) is Parker's two-timing wife and loves extra-marital sex with Jake...can you guess her fate? Okay, after a nubile almost-victim shows up at the sheriff's station, interrupting the sheriff's nap, our sleepy protagonist grabs some dynamite and heads to the construction site where he will join his son, Wendy, Anna, and Hoke. This less than intimidating posse will wage war on the mile long snake (no dirty jokes here) and we all hope the snake wins...as long as it spares Michelle Bauer.

If the snake eats the sheriff, will anyone in town notice he's gone? Does Tina and her sundress and high heels have any shot at surviving this movie?  Is a mile long snake merely a provocative metaphor for a state (Colorado) that has legalized marijuana? This one is fun and like I said, it is always good to see Michelle Bauer battling a really big snake. For a film far superior than any of The Avengers garbage, see "Megaconda," directed by Christopher Olen Ray.

Alien 3000, Invisible Monster and Lunatics

Pamela Kawada is a terrific actress who has only made one film, 2004's "Alien 3000" (aka "Unseen Evil 2"). She portrays Ester, a lunatic locked up in a psychiatric hospital, infatuated with a television remote control, and always yelling, "You're evil." In films her character is institutionalized, in real life, well...she is standing behind you in line at Costco. Unfortunately she will remain in the loony bin for the entire film but her character is a good metaphor of what awaits all of us after our best days slip into the past. Anyway...we have a good one today with vicious monsters, nymphomaniac mercenaries, and buried treasure.

"Unseen Evil 1"? Don't even ask. An invisible toothy creature (who won't stay unseen) shreds the cast of "Unseen Evil 1." That is except for the pretty Kate (Megan Molloy), who will then be institutionalized...and be called 'evil' by the aforementioned Ester. Now a babe from the Office of Paranormal Investigations (OPI), Carla (Shilo May) and Lyles spring her because they believe there is a monster. Carla (who will die horribly) contracts a red-neck posse that includes the greedy Burke (Matt Emery) and the sultry Phoebe (Phoebe Dollar). Phoebe loves deviant sex and cat-fights...a great addition to this plot. Also in the posse is hunk army guy McCool (Christopher Irwin), and Kate likes him.

Okay, the creature starts shredding the posse as they all want the gold treasure hidden in its cave. Phoebe gets it anally from Burke and loves it, and Kate and McCool share a tent but are too clean-cut to do anything. Meanwhile back at OPI, lead scientist Priscilla Barnes is killed horribly by another alien playing opossum. This sends Lorenzo Llamas and another hunk to join up with Kate and the red-necks. This won't go well and Phoebe engages in a cat-fight with Kate as the creature kills more of the posse. Now Phoebe and Burke are more interested in stealing the treasure, but Kate decides the monster needs to die and the trio form a doomed alliance to survive and kill.

Will Kate and McCool learn from the screams and grunts emanating from Phoebe and Burke's tent and perhaps experiment on some deviant moves? Will the creature learn from Phoebe's taste in sex and desire Kate as a intergalactic partner? Is the incompetence of OPI a blatant metaphor for the incompetence of the federal government, in general? The gore and f/x are quite good and the beefcake and cheesecake also excel. For a straight-to-DVD epic which dwarfs any of the drama in the stupid Marvel or DC trash out now, enjoy "Alien 3000."

The Terror Within II, More Mutant Rapists

From executive producer Roger Corman we have a sequel to the epic apocalyptic horror story "The Terror Within." I know...who knew there was a sequel? However, when 'Bring Your Kids to Work Day' rolls around, Roger Corman delivers. Hence 1991's "The Terror Within II" stars Stella Stevens and her son Andrew Stevens  (he also directed and wrote this sequel). Okay, with mom on the set, do you think Andrew will include nubile apocalypse babes being raped by mutant monsters? Maybe Stella left the set for a few minutes to fix Andrew a grilled cheese sandwich.

David (Andrew Stevens) is the only survivor of the Mojave Lab. Remember that lab? After the apocalypse, survivors in the lab were beset by mutant-gargoyle humanoids who raped the women scientists, who then gave birth to mutant gargoyle babies...very bloody. He sets his sights on the Rocky Mountain Lab. A virus has hit the this lab and the creatures are trying to get in. On his trek he meets the nubile Ariel (Clare Hoak). Her brother was just killed by a creature so David will have immediate pre-marital sex with her...and impregnate her. Uh oh, a religious cult steals Ariel and offers her up to the amorous gargoyle creature who proceeds to rape and impregnate her.

David rescues the apocalyptic rape victim and brings her to the underground lab. Meanwhile one of the creatures gets into the lab and so does another. Ariel's pregnancy is speedy and she gives birth to a mutant gargoyle thing...ick!  Now the survivors inside the lab are at war with the mutant gargoyle things which want to kill the male scientists and impregnate the female scientists. As the female scientists run for their lives and chastity, the male scientists are pretty inept at protecting them. Fear not...David, who already let his woman get raped and impregnated by the things, has a crossbow.

Will the incompetent David be able to save any of the science babes of the Rocky Mountain Lab? Do mutant gargoyle humanoids deserve love, too? Will the writer/director of this sequel allow his mom to be raped by the creatures? However distasteful this one sounds, remember, this is a Roger Corman film. Gratuitous and gory, what happens to the women in this film (much like its predecessor) will even have men wincing. For some prurient fun, enjoy "The Terror Within II," but don't discuss it at your next book club meeting.

Beware the Lake, Ghost Hunts Cheerleaders

Not as gratuitous as it may sound, but today we look at a film featuring a malignant ghost hunting high-school cheerleaders. Okay, gratuity does slip into this one, and the lovelier one is, the more ominous the death. 2017's "Beware the Lake" is a neat ghost flick that features a babe ghost in undies stalking beauties with revenge on her mind. Directed by Elgin Cahill who utilizes an attractive cast to deliver the scares.

Witchcraft in Romania, because of political unrest, comes to Colorado. Tabitha (Anja Knebel), originally from Romania, but very Americanized moves in with her witch-aunt. Tabitha falls for Max (JP Dayton) and his brother Mason (Jonathan Lipnicki). She could do better...but Max is cute. Uh oh, Blair (Ava Dalgaard) is the cheerleader captain who either Max or Mason, or both, just dumped. She's not happy that the two brothers now drool over the newcomer. Blair devises a plan...lure Tabitha to a lake, get her to strip to her undies and send her swimming...don't ask, they succeed in this. Part two of the plan...drive off and summon a couple of rapists to assault Tabitha. The rapists lose control and break Tabitha's neck.

Uh oh...when Tabitha doesn't come home, her aunt puts a curse on Max...and presumably the cheer team. Now the beauties start dreaming of a dripping wet, underwear clad Tabitha stalking them. Every dream, Tabitha gets closer and one day pretty Haylie (India Wanebo) wakes with bruises on her neck. Uh oh again...the cheerleaders begin dying mysterious deaths. Now Blair and Max figure out what is going on and try to find a way to stop the angry ghost.

Can Blair stop Tabitha before she gives Blair what she deserves? Will Max or Mason be spared the carnage since Tabitha was hot for them? In this cheerleaders-in-peril film, will any of the beauties die during a gratuitous shower scene? Low-budget all the way but the acting is good and the victims are quite attractive. For a standard but entertaining ghost/revenge film, enjoy "Beware the Lake."

Robot Wars, Robots, Love, and Barbara Crampton

Okay, we have a feature from Full Moon Entertainment which stars Barbara Crampton. The sultry scream-queen from the 80s moved nicely into the 90s. Thanks to Charles Band and his brother Albert (the director), we have the perky blonde as a damsel in much distress in a futuristic wasteland, pursued by a robotic scorpion...all while clad in a get-up that would make Shonen Knife proud. Wardrobe aside, Ms. Crampton plays to the camera nicely in 1993's "Robot Wars."

The Western Alliance is feeling its way through a tenuous peace with old rivals The Eastern Alliance. Drake the hunk (Don Michael Paul) pilots the war robot Mega 1, a scorpion like behemoth that now carries passengers into and through a perilous no-man's land. Uh oh, Wa-Lee (Danny Kamekona) brings peaceful relations from the East. Drake is skeptical. The Asian wants the West to sell him robots. Leda (Crampton) arrives and she is also skeptical as is her besty Annie (Lisa Rinna). The two investigate and find out what Drake already knows...the East doesn't want peace.

Our two ravishing damsels go out touring in a Western Alliance robot shuttle. Drake's skepticism gets him put into the dog house. Drake is madly in love with Leda and she hates the brute. Making his move for Leda, Wa-Lee makes his move and steals the scorpion with Annie on board and wages war against the West. Leda escapes but is pursued through a wasteland city by Wa-Lee's goons. Now Drake is back in action as the woman he lusts for is in danger. Drake heads to the war zone hoping to rescue and have pre-marital sex with the hot blonde, and to destroy Wa-Lee.

Does the brutish but incredibly hot Drake have a chance of making it to first base with the perky Leda? Just how will Drake manage to defeat the scorpion behemoth and rescue all the hostages? Is this film a foreshadowing of the tensions between China and America that have grown in the past 10 years? This is a fun one, and despite Barbara Crampton's wardrobe (hardly the BDSM costume from 'From Beyond'), she is quite sultry...as usual. For some nice Full Moon Entertainment entertainment, see "Robot Wars."