Dead Cert, Vampires vs. Strippers

Okay...sorry! Vampires vs. exotic dancers. The tag line is just a gratuitous attempt by me to haul in new readers. To be honest, the above mentioned bout was hardly a conflict as the stripp...eh, sorry...exotic dancers were pretty much decimated with ease by the toothy menaces. They either died horribly or became brides of some eastern European prince of darkness. Heavy on gratuity and gore, 2010's "Dead Cert" may be what we get when we mesh Guy Ritchie's "Snatch" with vampires...sans Brad Pitt and Jason Statham.

Freddy (Craig Fairbrass)runs an honest business in London, The Paradise Gentlemen's Club. Booze, loud music, and the best looking stripp...eh, sorry...exotic dancers in England. All is good. The...eh, exotic dancers are happy, customers are happy, and Freddy and his really sultry wife, Jen (Lisa McAllister) are happy. Then a Romanian businessman (aka Vampire) arrives in town with an offer Freddy won't be allowed to refuse. The vampire, Livenko (Billy Murray), with deceit, supernatural efforts, and savvy business acumen, wrestles the club away from Freddy. Immediately, Livenko goes to work on the stripp...eh, exotic dancers. Most of them will become brides of the night. A Van Helsing figure arrives and fills Freddy in on the deceit he was victim of. Mason (Steven Berkoff) has been chasing Livenko for years and is determined to end his reign of terror.

Freddy learns the hard way, and at the cost of many friends and much blood, that Mason knows what he is talking about. Ticked off that a bloodsucker stole his club and his stripp...eh, exotic dancers, Freddy plans a full scale attack on Livenko and his vampire minions. Exotic dancer cat-fights will brighten up this not too original plot line. Stay tuned for Freddy's sultry wife, Jen...she'll have an epic cat-fight with Livenko's main vampire bride (Jennifer Matter).

Blood will spurt, stilettos and fishnets will  fly, and wooden stakes will render cold justice in this war between an honest businessman and the minions of the undead. Will the virtue of the exotic dancers be upheld by Freddy? Is a horde of exotic dancer/vampire women such a bad thing? If Livenko is successful against Freddy, will the ever increasing London zoning regulations rid England of this vampire army? Directed by Steven Lawson, "Dead Cert" isn't entirely original, but the action and gratuitous nature of the plot and settings makes it a worthwhile film.