As
the holidays approach I am reminded of 1983’s
“A Christmas Story.” There is one
scene when the dad (Darren McGavin) is opening up his prize. He is soooo very
happy, not only because a surprise awaits, but because he gets to pry the
wooden crate open with a crowbar. In
short….he gets to behave like a man…un-neutered. Readers of my blog know that I appreciate
films that men enjoy. No romantic
comedies here. Men are men and women are
their objects. As Halloween approaches,
let us all endeavor to put masculinity back into the holiday season. My friends at Man Crates have taken a huge step to do just that. They have packaged dozens of combos of Gifts for Men in wooden crates, that must be opened with a crowbar...and, oh yes...the gifts are definitely ones that will get the testosterone going.
Pipe smokers, cigar smokers, beer drinkers, and of course
avid sports fans (…past times of real men) are all tailored to by Man
Crates. I know my friends there are
plotting to conjure up a crate filled with essential survival tools if you
should ever find yourself in a horror film.
Silver bullets, garlic cloves, and crucifixes will surely be included,
but a true survival kit will also have a spare copy of The Necromonicon. This elusive tome, bound in human skin,
caters to those trying to tame or survive evil beings from dimensions unknown
to most humans. In “The Evil Dead”
movies, Ash undergoes great hardships (..which includes losing his main squeeze
to demonic possession) when the Necromonicon in his grasp is swindled away by
grotesque demons. What follows is a lot
of blood spurting and casualties. In the
classic from 1970, “The Dunwich Horror,” Sandra Dee is subject to all sorts of
unspeakable violations when Dean Stockwell steals her professor’s edition of
The Necromonicon. In every case, The
Necromonicon is possessed by well-meaning humans, and then stolen by evil
intended creatures, spelling fates worse than doom for the pure among us. Wouldn’t it be nice if
after the monsters take The Necromonicon away from us (which they surely will
do), that we can just pull out our spare copy?
As late as the early 1990s, The Necromonicon graced the card
catalogues in some of the finest university libraries. Wouldn’t you know it, the editions all seemed
to be missing. Not one library had a
spare copy. This nefarious work, created by H.P. Lovecraft way back in the
1920s has taken on a life of it’s own.
In every case, in these H.P. Lovecraft stories, the possessor of this
thing has access to great powers. Also,
in every instance, the poor sap who has the thing purloined from him, suffers a
fate worse than death. Real men protect
their women, especially from demonic forces seeking to mate with them. To keep your main squeezes pure, you should definitely include a copy of The Necromonicon in your scary movie survival kit.
By the way, fans seeking to win my favor, I would love a Man
Crate for Christmas. The Oktoberfest Stein one or the Whiskey Drinkers one are
my two top choices. Don’t forget to
enjoy my film reviews, mostly horror, on my blog Zisi Emporium for B Movies at http://zisiemporium.blogspot.com/
Putz de zone into testosterone!
ReplyDeleteA Man Crate for Christmas sounds just about perfect of course, depending on what's inside. I'll forego the fishnet adorned burlesque lady's leg lamp. You can also keep H.P. L.'s The Necronomicon and booze. Not looking for demons, death, or DWI's for the holidays. But, I'd entertain a few of these suggestions crated for the Mrs. and me. https://youtu.be/jFMyF9fDKzE
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