Friday, May 16, 2014

Snow Shark, Before there was Sharknado....

The best shark film of 2011 has to be Sam Qualiana's (star, writer, producer, and director) "Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast." This straight to DVD monster movie is pleasing on so many levels, and succeeds without the hype and publicity of last year's "Sharknado."  Qualiana, like me, was born in Massachusetts.  He shot this movie in New York and included approximately 15 gory deaths.  Paying lots of homage to "Jaws," "Snow Shark" features colorful characters including the B movie version of America's mayor, Rudolph Giuliani (see photo below).
The plot:  In the winter of 1999 a scientific expedition into the woods of New York explored the diminishing wildlife after an earthquake.  The expedition, led by Professor Hoffman (Michael O'Hear) is attacked by a shark.  The professor and his grad assistants are eaten.  Five years later, Mike (Qualiana) bags a shark in the woods, but the locals dismiss this as a hoax.  Present day, no one has an explanation for mysterious attacks in the local forest, other than the cover story....a rogue bear.  Then two young lovers wander into the woods and are eaten, signaling to the town that the shark is back.  The world's greatest mayor (Robert Bozek), pictured above, and the sheriff are forced to act.  Oh yes, if there is any doubt about the mayor's status as the world's greatest....just look at his coffee mug.  After the Sheriff's loser son is eaten (no great loss) and a couple of heavily tatted and pierced teens (no great loss) are eaten, the "Big Guy" is brought in.  A cryptozoologist, Lincoln (Andrew Elias) is teamed up with the very shapely Wendy (Kathy Murphy), we never know exactly her expertise other than she looks really good, and Caine (a red-neck version of Quint).  By the way, we know Lincoln is "The Big Guy" as his coffee mug indicates that.
As Lincoln, Caine, Wendy the eye candy, and the Sheriff team up to hunt the shark, Mike puts his own team of bait....I mean hunters together.  Also joining Mike is a very mysterious, one-eyed, scarred fellow with quite a past.  For Mike, killing the shark may lead to his downfall as he is asked by his one-eyed helper, "You ever ask yourself what happens next...after the shark is dead...nothing...she wins either way."  When Mike inquires from his new weird drinking buddy how he knows the shark is a she....the chauvinist replies "Only a woman can take everything a man has, and still wants more."  Deep!  After Santa Claus is digested by this monster fish, our teams take to the woods with guns, grenades, and incompetence.
The conclusion of this story features an epic battle between man and nature.  Though not a staple on The Discovery Channel's "Shark Week"....."Snow Shark" should be.  Qualiana includes many deep (there is that word again) themes in this straight-to-dvd treasure.  Does a perfect eating machine of nature have more credibility in the food chain than waste-oid losers?  Is the devouring of Santa Claus a statement by Qualiana about the duality of Christmas (spiritual vs. commercialism)?  Whatever Qualiana had in mind, he certainly had a lot of fun making this film, and I had even more watching it. Thank you Mr. Qualiana. 


  1. I saw a photo of Putin that was clearly NOT photoshopped in any way. We could probably use him to wrangle the snow shark and restore order to the north east.

  2. Hey...what do you have against the tatted and pierced, asks the tatted and pierced girl...

    Like most hot blooded Americans (yes, even those of us who are naturalized) I was really excited about Sharknado. Sadly, I could not watch pass the first five minutes, it was so bad. And not good bad, just plain bad. is this like that at all?