Raw Force, The Love Boat Sails into Carnage

Once every generation a movie is made that inspires us to greatness.  This film speaks to us in ways that turn mundane sounds into symphonies.  Sublime dialogue becomes poetry.  This flick opens up our understanding of love and desire.  This once in a generation creation is usually a boring chore to watch, so today we will look at 1982's "Raw Force" (aka "Kung Fu Cannibals").

The plot: Evil smugglers (as opposed to noble smugglers) abduct prostitutes from Asian brothels and bring them to Warriors Island.  There they are stripped, put into bamboo cages, then eaten by insane monks.  I know this is sounding a lot like a Fellini film, but the plot gets better.  The monks believe that the flesh of women improves their abilities to resurrect the corpses of disgraced martial artists who are buried on this island.  In return, the smugglers are allowed to mine jade, which is abundant there.

Cameron Mitchell ("Frankenstein Island" and "The Silent Scream") is the captain of a small cruise ship filled with nymphomaniacs and an annoying cruise director.  The most notable passengers are a trio of martial arts instructors from L.A. and Cookie, played by Jillian Kesner ("Firecracker" and "The Student Body").  Cookie is a beautiful blonde member of the LAPD SWAT team.  At a port-of-call, two of the passengers flee a brothel when the smugglers invade and haul away its women so they can feed the monks.  The smugglers, whose leader looks like Hitler, follow the passengers back to the ship.  Not comfortable with witnesses, the smugglers invade the cruise ship, killing most of the hot passengers, and burn it.  Cameron Mitchell, Cookie, and the kung-fu cowboys survive in a raft and make it to the island.

Upon landing on the island, they immediately go to war with the smugglers in a graveyard.  Bazookas, machine guns, kung-fu, and machetes are all utilized in this war.  The monks arrive and tell the surviving passengers that the dead warriors will be resurrected as a test of their strength.  This happens and the newly animated, disgraced kung-fu warriors battle the cruise ship survivors and the surviving Asian prostitutes.  The ending is heartwarming and exciting.  Will Cameron Mitchell get a gig on the Pacific Princess ("The Love Boat")?  Will the sultry Cookie ever make Sergeant?  Will the Food Channel pick up on this delicacy of the monks?  This movie is gratuitous in every way and is definitely not for the whole family.  The cast will please both male and female viewers and appeal to the juvenile and hidden side of your personality.