Cocaine Shark, If Pfizer Made Jaws

Pharmaceuticals and the companies that make them. Yes...scarier than great whites! Not the first time a vaccine has been hastily thrown out there and killed millions. How many have sharks killed over the past 25 years? Right...no contest. What if sharks were given drugs?  It would be such a beautiful thing.  In this movie it would be a ferocious hammerhead with crab legs that roars. Today we look at 2023's Polonia Brothers film "Cocaine Shark," directed by Mark Polonia.

With the help of pharmaceutical scientists (future Pfizer employees) a new psychedelic drug, HT25, is created. It causes more intense trips than LSD. Neil (Titus Himmelberger) is an undercover narc seeking to bust Gaurisco's (Ken Van Sant) empire.  Gaurisco is securing all the east coast markets and knocking off rivals with the help of his main henchman, Fuente (Ryan Dalton). To keep a close eye on the narc, Gaurisco sends his femme fatale babe, Persephone (Natalie Himmelberger) to seduce him and lure him into the gang. Part of this seduction is to feed Neil HT25.  The drug causes both Persephone and Neil to trip so badly they seem to remember becoming sharks and eating people.

Okay, an explosion at the lab sends a mad doctor (Mark Polonia) on the run with the HT25.  Gaurisco wants it.  Also set loose after the explosion is the aforementioned crab/hammerhead monster.  The shark thing eats many people. Gaurisco and Fuente are on the doctor's trail and soon Neil and Persephone are too. We're not sure if Persephone is falling in love with Neil or just luring him out to sea to murder him. Now out to sea, the duo will have to elude the shark thing that seeks to eat anyone in its way. Now everyone converges on an island inhabited by a mentally unstable babe (Samantha Coolidge).  With the monster feeding, the thugs, our narc, our femme fatale, and insaniac babe must tread carefully.

Will Neil be able to bust Neil and his operation?  Will Persephone continue carnal relations with Neil, or we she kill him?  Would Jacques Cousteau have stood a chance with this hammerhead thing? Drugs are an evil thing...they will fry your brain...or get you eaten by mutant monsters.  To enjoy a psychedelic tripping movie experience, see "Cocaine Shark." It appears on the free streaming service, Mometu. 

Brides of Satan, Strippers, Bikers, and Satanists!

This blog loves Mindy Robinson. Her X (Twitter) stream is one of the best on all social media ( @iheartmindy ). Now we have her in a Joe Bizarro film about lesbian bikers, Satanists, strippers, and vengeance. No, not "Manchester By the Sea." Filmed as if it were an early 1970s drive-in/exploitation epic, Mindy Robinson tops Pamela Anderson and her film "Barb Wire" by a mile. Nudity, gore, and catfights in a story that is a metaphor for our times await when you put on 2020's "Brides of Satan," showing on the free streaming service of Mometu ( @freemometu ) on X.

The lovely and naive Mary (Robinson) wants to give her fiancé, Charlie (Michael Reed), a special gift. She takes him for a lap dance at a seedy strip club. Mary, herself, is turned on when Samantha Whitehaven (Olivia Bellafontaine) does her thing. Oh, just before this, Sarah French as the club manager, warns them to leave. Mary is insistent on giving her beau something dirty. Three hoodlum lesbian/Satanists converge on the club led by Switchblade Kitty (Anastasia Elfman) as she wants to 'ruin something beautiful.' She and her cohorts will  abduct Charlie and Mary and bring them to a warehouse where she will gut Charlie and attempt to sacrifice Mary on a pentagram. Through bad timing by a rival gang's invasion, Mary escapes. Now she has Satanist lesbians and an evil biker gang after her. Come on...you have to be hooked by now. 

Lenny (John Troyer) saves Mindy and nurses her back to health. Lenny? Think of the trailer trash version of Mr. Miyagi. Lenny teaches Mindy to be strong in body and mind and also how to use a katana sword. Now Mary embarks on a trek of vengeance to track down the satanist lesbians who murdered Charlie.  She'll use her sword to disembowel and decapitate.  She'll go through biker gangs and satanists like crap through a goose. Meanwhile Switchblade Kitty and her satanic lesbians find more couples in love and gut and sacrifice them to Satan. Uh oh...a demon is conjured and will represent another layer of resistance for Mary and her katana sword.

Okay, enough of the plot. I have left out so much. Will Mary and her katana sword succeed in avenging the murder of her fiancé?  Are sleazy strippers and satanic lesbian babes an underused plot device in America's Post-Modern (woke) era? Will the alphabet brigade demand this film be banned? Perhaps a metaphor for the evil the Biden Administration and the Deep State has inflicted on a once great country, "Brides of Satan" needs to be added to your "must see" list. 

Repligator, Gator-Babes in the Army

Made in 1996, this exploitation/scifi/horror film may be the best metaphor for what the U.S. military has devolved into. Hardly in any position to fight Houthis in Yemen, the Taliban in Afghanistan, or the Russians...the U.S. is officially in decline as a world power...speedily heading into the number three or four spot.  What we have in Brett McCormick's "Repligator" are sultry, big breasted bimbos that turn into alligator monsters.  Add in some zombies, ray guns, rampant nymphomania, and biting commentary and we may have the best film of 1996.

Dr. Oliver (Keith Kjornes) is trying to invent  a teleportation device with his spinster assistant, Dr. Hardy (TJ Myers). Hardy has a great big mole on her face which will forever prevent her from becoming a babe. On the other side of the lab, Dr. Fields (Randy Clower) is inventing a brainwashing device. Still, at another part of the lab, Dr. Goodbody (Brinke Stevens) is inventing a device in which one's thoughts can be seen on a video screen.  Okay...it is kind of like that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial when there is a collision, peanut butter mixes with chocolate, and the peanut butter cup is invented. Through much chaos and intrigue, the three inventions merge. The result? Grumpy men and women are turned into nymphomaniac babes seeking sex with Dr. Oliver and Dr. Fields. Through more silliness, Dr. Hardy is sent through the machine and emerges as a nymphomaniac babe (sans mole) bent on deviance with Dr. Oliver.

Uh oh...there is a side effect.  Whenever one of the newly made nympho-babes gets sexually excited, they turn into alligator monsters. Okay, perhaps this offers us a metaphor relevant on college campuses and the dating scene in modern day America. Now the babes, all clad in trashy lingerie, are hungering for sex one moment, and human flesh the next. What's worse, the spinster scientists don't really want to be turned back to their former selves.  Now the lab is infested with either nymphomaniac babes or monster alligators. Oliver and Fields will have to put their rivalry aside and figure out how to change everyone back...or if they should change everyone back to their former selves.

I was brief on the plot, but Gunnar Hansen will have a nice role in this film. Will Dr. Hardy in her new nymphomaniac self have pre-marital sex with the old, fat and balding Dr. Oliver? Will Dr. Fields' brainwashing invention be of use when these new nymphomaniacs overtake the lab?  Are vicious alligator monsters and nymphomaniac babes merely two sides of the same coin? For some utter silliness with poignant metaphor, see "Repligator."

Hanukkah, Jew Horror

We need more Jewish horror films! For example, try this...Last Synagogue on the Left...Pray your not the chosen people! Okay...don't yell at me. A Jewish naked and tattooed skank uttered this in our film today. Oh! Right! You're offended. Well, boohoo!  Let me run some names by you. Dick Miller (his last film). Sid Haig. Sarah French. P.J. Soles. Caroline Williams.  Are you still offended? Today we look at 2019's "Hanukkah," directed by Eben McGarr. So grab a rabbi, a Torah, and some Manischewitz and watch what happens when a marginalized community makes a horror film. Oh...one more thing...brush up on Leviticus before watching this film, it will be quoted a lot...I'm not kidding. BTW, this film is on the free streaming service Mometu (get the app or see them on X @freemometu). 

This plot is busy and ambitious. Most of it we won't touch on. Many years ago a mad rabbi (Sid Haig) turns serial killer and offs misbehaving Jews (No! He's not Hamas). Decades later, his son (Joe Knetter) takes up the role. Fast forward to misbehaving, fornicating, and lesbian Jews all going to a sinful party. Rachel (Sadie Kurtz) is a skank engaged to a black man Josh (DAandre Johnson). She ditches him and heads to party. Josh wants to obey the Torah and remains celibate until marriage...Rachel wants to f#@k. Her buddy is hot and tattooed lesbian Judy (Louise Rosealma), referred to as an Orthodyke in this film. She wants to have sex with Rachel. David (Toliver Harris) is sweet on Rachel and with Josh not there will boink Rachel. Oh! Josh! He gets sucked into dinner with Rachel's mom (P.J. Soles) thinking Rachel will be there.

Amanda (Victoria de Mare) is supposed to go to this party but after the mad rabbi axes her beau in the head, she's abducted and tortured by him. Now the mad rabbi converges on this nerd party which will see wild lesbian sex between Rachel and Judy...and straight sex between Rachel and David. One by one the mad rabbi abducts the sinful Jews, cuts off their tattoos, and tortures them to death. This film will get quite gory but Dick Miller, as an old rabbi will give a nice sermon about all of this. Oh! Cheryl (Sarah French) arrives and it looks like a catfight is brewing between her and lesbian Judy...we can only hope. Jewish babes will die so horribly and Jewish dweebs will also. So much more is going on in this film but there is no room for further description.

Ominous and at times bordering on torture porn, the struggles of the Jews may be captured in this film as a metaphor. Sick? Perhaps. Still the level of cheesecake is intense and the level of gore is also intense. Will any of the Jewish babes survive the wrath of the mad rabbi?  Will Sarah French give us a nice catfight scene with the tattooed lesbian Jew? Wait...doesn't the Torah say something about that? For offensive and at times hilarious horror that will have you averting your eyes from the screen in many scenes, see "Hanukkah."    

Stupid Games, They'll Swallow Your Soul

Women are smarter than men. Fact. However, what happens when smart people hang out with people that are stupid? Right!  They become stupid. Where is this all going? Today we have an age old story about the girls against the boys.  Sure, the girls should win.  Does anyone ever wonder why this is rarely the case? Today we have a tale of seductresses and hunks.  What  happens when they get together? Often times, the predicted outcome never occurs. Add pentagrams, Satan, take-out, and lust and we have 2024's "Stupid Games," directed by Nicolas Wendl and Dani Abraham. BTW, this film is on the free streaming service Mometu (get the app or see them on X @freemometu). Or on YouTube ON YOUTUBE (just click on this link).

The aforementioned babes, or seductresses, are Riley (Cass Huckabay), Celeste (Alyssa Tortomasi), and Mia (Ashwini Ganpule). They invite three hunks over for dinner, take-out, and a game night. Arriving are hunk Jaxon (Saad Rolando), Rex (Gage Robinson), and nerd Stanley (Grant Terzakis). The gals seem fawning and expecting of eventual pre-marital sex.  The guys are excited. Awkwardness sets in as Celeste went ghost on Jaxon and now has called him. Stanley is happy to get any gal he can. Riley, all seduction all the time, keys in on Rex. So far so good? Nope. Dinner does not go so well and before it is over the six are playing Quest For Truth, a board game. It starts off okay...truths are confessed to and tasks are completed.  Then the board takes charge.

The gals seem uneasy and when the guys behave like guys and break things the gals panic.  The true order of things has been interrupted and the seductresses are now terrified at the game. Soon the guys realize the game their playing may be demonic. Whatever force is controlling this game it is not happy with the rules being bent or disobedience. The consequences? Blood and worse...you'll see. The smarter the boys get the more doomed everyone appears.  The stakes are ultimate and the devil is expecting his due. Where does this all go?  Perhaps the same place the awkward dating scene in America has already gone. You'll see.

"Stupid Games" revs up from a level of inanity and seduction to pure evil and bloody carnage.  Nicolas Wendl handles this escalation masterfully. Will any of the six emerge a winner of this game?  What will happen to the losers? Though the fairer sex is more intelligent, is their capacity for evil also increased? Watch "Stupid Games" and realize there is no chance of success when seeking pre-marital sex and a good meal. 

Martian Massacre, Space War comes to Virginia

Forget that "Star Wars" idiocy! Forget "ET"!  Forget anything Spielberg! We have the greatest scifi film ever, or at least the greatest scifi film ever filmed in Danville, Virginia. Get this!  The alien asks Duke to take her to his leader. Duke refuses saying, "No way, I have warrants!"  ET should have met this guy! Perhaps a C movie, not a B movie, but still a lot more fun than this "Acolyte" garbage. Our film today is the epic from 2021, "Martian Massacre." Grab a Pabst, bend your best gal over your knee, burp a few times, and enjoy this James B. Thomasson film. After watching it you will never refer to Danville again as Lynchburg without the glitter.

Sultry space-babe Virago (Crystal Cleveland) witnesses her planet being destroyed by Martians. Her queen (Tamara Jones) gives her a box containing...well, you'll see...and ordering her to save herself, go to Earth, and start her life there with what's in the box. Virago obeys and comes to New York...wait...no, Danville, with the box. She'll meet pseudo redneck Duke (Bryan Matthew Ward) and ask to be taken to his leader. Duke laughs and takes her home. At home, Duke's niece Liane (Angel Nichole Bradford) is excited to meet the alien babe. She convinces Duke to help her. Uh oh!  The Martians want Virago dead and the box. They send the lizard-like guy Zeet (Shon Johnson) to earth to kill her and retrieve the box.  He arrives shortly after Virago with his laser gun.

Now on the run, Zeet seems to be gaining on them. Laser gun fights ensue. Earthlings are vaporized. Then Duke brings Virago to his friend Betty's (Heidi C. Cass) house. She's a dominatrix and will square off against Zeet wearing a leather outfit and boots. How will this go? Well...as in "To Kill a Mockingbird" with Gregory Peck, dominatrix' die awful deaths. Virago must survive as she is the only one left of her world.  With orders to start life anew on Earth, she begins getting attracted to Duke. Zeet gets closer and a showdown is imminent between Virago and Zeet in which the fate of humankind will be in balance. 

Just what is in the box Virago is protecting?  Will Virago be able to fight off Zeet and romance Duke? Do we need more movies about dominatrix' squaring off against lizard-type aliens or was 1980's "Ordinary People" the be all-end all of those films? Have yourself a lot of fun and watch a film made by people who know what we want in our scifi films.  See "Martian Massacre" today and shove some more pork rinds down your throat as you wash them down with a six-pack of Pabst.  

Aquaslash, Waterslide of Blood

No doubt...the best waterslide scene ever put on film. Even better than the one in Kubrick's "Paths of Glory." More importantly, we have a Renaud Gauthier film. This man makes Giallo-type films in Canada. Nubile babes being sliced up. Six-pack abs hunks sliced up.  Pureed, really. Death count? Enormous! Bikinis? Well, if someone has one on...they'll end up in at least four pieces. Many may see this film as a remake of "A Bridge Too Far," but this one has a higher death count. So today we look at 2019's "Aquaslash."

Brittany Drisdelle is a doll!  She has that Pamela Susan Shoop look. We plead with the screen that she will remain whole in this film. She is Priscilla, hired by waterpark manager Paul (Nick Walker) to run special events, like the high school graduation party in this film. Paul also is having a lot of pre-marital sex with Priscilla. The high school hunks and babes converge.  Brad and Cindy (Jeremy Lavigne and Samantha Hodhod), while making out, are cut into pieces. Yes, there is a killer loose...perhaps one from the 1980s when a massacre occurred at this same park. Suspects? Everyone!  Michael (Ho Jo Rose) enters the picture. He wants to buy the park from Paul and boink Priscilla...as does everyone else. Boink Priscilla, that is.

The slashings continue. Nubile babes die horribly as do their hunk BFs. We meet lifeguard Kimberly (Lanisa Dawn), the redheaded lifeguard.  She's boinking Josh (Nicolas Fontaine). Josh is in a band and seems really sweet. Kimberly is also sweet and other than her proclivity for pre-marital sex, we really like her. Tommy (Paul Zinno) loves Kimberly too and is upset, in rage, that Kimberly now loves Josh. Trouble is brewing all the way around...and there is a killer loose!  Then...the last 20 minutes of this movie will forever be imprinted on your mind. What unfolds at the waterslide will be ominous, seemingly never-ending, and oh such a treat for slasher film fans.

With a wonderful cheesecake and beefcake level, this is a film you could bring a date to. Will Priscilla indeed be left in tact, unlike Pamela Susan Shoop in "Halloween 2"?  Just who is the psycho that will massacre so many bikini babes and six-pack abs hunks? Will Kimberly and Priscilla engage in a catfight in the water while ripping off each other's swimsuits? Hey, just thought I'd throw in that last question...you just never know.  See "Aquaslash" and relive 1980s slasher films.