Archons, The Last Days of a Rock Band

When a Rock band is in its final days, it isn't pretty.  The chemistry of the group vanishes and lead guitarists begin looking elsewhere for their future. The story is a familiar one.  Throw in some acid, pre-marital sex, a canoe trip into the British Columbia wilderness...and creatures!  Today we look at 2018's "Archons," written and directed by Nick Szostakiwskyj.

Sled Dog is on their last legs.  No hits in five years! Drummer Olivia (Samantha Carly) desires the band to stay intact and arranges a getaway for them. Now lead singer Mitchell (Josh Collins), Olivia, and guitarist Eric (Rob Raco) are paddling on a BC river.  Mitchell needs pre-marital sex and finds three nubile bikini babes on the shore. To the annoyance of his mates, he seduces the nubile blonde April (Parmiss Sehat) and she will join them.  Now the trio is a quartet paddling up a river.  Eric has acid (or something else) and the group begins taking it.  Now everything looks so pretty.  Mitchell and his mates will tire of the shallow April...no big deal as her head will soon explode.

Okay...the acid is having a weird effect. Now Eric and Mitchell start seeing creatures following them.  Mitchell is certain something exploded out of April's head before she died.  Olivia wants them all to remain focused...yeah, fat chance.  Now the creatures get closer and seem like they are hunting Sled Dog. Sled Dog comes across other campsites which are in shambles and campers mutilated. Eric has a surprise for the group regarding the acid he's supplying them.  The monsters get more aggressive and now it seems they will suffer the same fate as April...but what exactly was her fate?

Did something really explode out of April's head?  Will Olivia and April engage in a catfight over Mitchell?  Are the creatures real or a product of Eric's acid?  Look at this one as a kind of "Southern Comfort" meets "Eddie and the Cruisers." Okay, maybe not.  Still...the creatures are cool and the cast is great looking.  For an interesting horror film set in the BC wilderness, see "Archons." 

Bering Sea Beast, Sharknado Babe in Alaska

Cassandra Scerbo, the Syfy babe, who is famous for "Sharknado" is a lovely and talented actress that makes films we want to see.  What better plot device is a babe in danger from slimy sea creatures that look like a cross between stingrays and Nosferatu?  Okay, so this Bering Sea epic may have been filmed in Louisiana...but Ms. Scerbo is a lot more pleasurable to look at than Sig Hansen. Oh yes, we also have to say the sea vampires are a lot funner to look at than Alaskan King Crab. Today we look at 2013's "Bering Sea Beast" (on Tubi TV as "Beast of the Bering Sea"), directed by Don E. FountLeroy. 

The Hunter family are gold dredgers on the Bering Sea. Glenn (Kevin Dobson) is the dad, Donna (Scerbo) is the sultry but tough daughter, and Joe (Jonathan Lipnicki) is the hot-headed son. Joining them is an old family friend, Owen (Brandon Beamer). During a dredge one of Glen's hired divers is draine dof his blood by a creature on the seabed.  Now a slew of sea vampires is on the loose as their territory has been disturbed.  These things look like slimy black stingrays with big fangs...and the fly.  Dredgers are having their blood sucked out and the things attack on land, too. Beautiful marine biologist, Megan (Jaqueline Fleming) has been searching for these monsters for years and she joins the Hunters after one of the monsters explodes out of Glenn's chest...so sad.

Now the feisty Donna puts her sights on fighting these things. Owen and Joe are game. They have more to fear than the creatures.  Evil dredger, Thorne (Lawrence Turner), moving in on tragedy tries to buy out Donna and Joe.  Donna refuses.  The monsters continue their attacks and drain dredgers and the occasional marine biologist of bodily fluids.  Now Donna is fuming and her and Owen come up with an ambitious and unlikely plan to annihilate the toothy sea creatures.  Uh oh...Thorne moves in and offers a deal the Hunters cannot refuse...but the monsters can.

Will Owen be able to capitalize on tragedy and horror and be able to engage in pre-marital sex with the "Sharknado" babe? Will Megan the scientist attempt to try to communicate with this newly discovered species?  Will Donna and Joe have an opportunity to feed Thorne to the stingray things?  This is a good one and makes you proud to be a Syfy viewer.  For a great Friday night creature feature, watch "Bering Sea Beast."    

    

She Creature, Mermaid Shreds Men

Unicorns and mermaids...yawn.  Okay, not many have done much with unicorns, at least in horror. Mermaids, however, have been introduced in plots in these scary movies.  I prefer them to clowns. This is what we will be tackling today.  Add in the sultry Carla Gugino as a babe in peril with a special relationship with the sultry mermaid and we have a winner. Today we will look at 2001's "She Creature," directed by Sebastian Guitierrez.  Oh, by the way, Stan Winston is one of the producers!

In 1905 a carnival in Ireland is closing and getting ready to sail to New York. Angus leads it and has a neat act that entails a west Indian zombie (Reno Wilson) busting loose and getting ready to murder the audience. A siren sings from the next tent over...it is a mermaid. Her sweet voice calms the murderous west Indian fiend. In reality, Angus' GF Lily (Gugino) dresses as a mermaid and the crowd eats it up. Through a weird set of events, an eccentric guy in a mansion shows Angus and Lily what he has locked in his dungeon...a caged aquarium containing a sultry mermaid (Rya Kilstedt). She's nude and doesn't speak English. Uh oh...she seems to develop a psychic connection with Lily. Through violence, Angus and Bailey steal the mermaid and bring it on the ship with them to America.  Lily doesn't know Angus and Bailey accidentally killed the old man in their quest to abscond with the sea creature.

Okay, the mermaid gets into Lily's head...but why?  You'll see.  When a crewmember of the vessel threatens Lily with rape, the mermaid manages to get loose and eat him. Now Lily is drawn to the sultry and naked mermaid.  She wants to help it.  She has also uncovered its mysteries. As the mermaid outsmarts its guards and gets loose some more, more sailors are ripped apart.  It also enters Lily's mind as she is having steamy pre-marital sex with Angus.  Lily then discovers why she has nothing to fear from the mermaid...and it is horrific.

Will this mermaid make it to New York?  Will the crew endure the same fate as the crew of the Demeter suffered? What does the mermaid have planned for the lovely Lily?  This is a good one. However predictable, both Carla Gugino and Rya Kihlstedt are sultry.  For a good old fashioned plot, and some nice gore and cheese, see "She Creature."

11th Hour Cleaning, Trapped in a Messy Haunted House

A mess!  When haunted houses are messy it can get really yucky. Of course, we're not talking about dust, Lego pieces on the floor, or potato chip crumbs between the seat cushions.  Nope...we're talking bits of brains, blood spatter, and ancient pagan artifacts.  As with most haunted houses, something really bad happened in this one.  Hence a couple of babes and a couple of hunks are dispatched to clean it.  Today we look at 2022's "11th Hour Cleaning," directed by Ty Leisher.  Warning...this is a grim one that emphasizes horror over witty humor.

Stephen (Dave Baez) made a mess.  Using his shotgun, a la Ronald DeFeo, he murders his wife and children in their beds...then kills himself...or so that is how it appears to the police.  Quite the mess.  After the crime scene investigation, a cleaning company is contracted...11th Hour Cleaning.  See, this firm cleans yucky crime scenes.  11th Hour Cleaning is owned and run by Dylan (Edward Finlay). His wife, Rachel (Anita Leaman Torres), is also on the team. They are so cute...but their marriage has a secret...the kind of secret haunted houses know about.  Rounding out our team is loser Marcus (Ed Morrone) who is Rachel's brother and just released felon. Lastly, the sultry Hannah (Chloe Brooks) joins them...she and Marcus used to be an item until he did something awful to her...you'll see.

Soon after the team arrives, they begin scrubbing blood off the walls.  Then it gets weird...no scary. Team members begin seeing ghosts of the dead children...and Stephen's smart phone is found.  Oh no...Marcus sees what happened during the fateful night on Stephen's phone.  Now other bad stuff happens.  Apparently an ancient Scandinavian artifact was brought into the house by Stephen and it unleashed Norse demons,  Never good. It possesses people in the house and drives them to madness with fright.  One by one, everyone on the team is affected.  Soon horrible secrets are revealed and then the demons get really mean.  Warning...what happens will shock and violate certain taboos.

Will the team suffer the same fate as Stephen and his family?  Exactly what did Marcus do to Hannah when they were an item that was so horrible?  What secret contaminates the marriage of Rachel and Dylan?  The plot is brutal and Mr. Leisher has created a true horror film not interested in humor or irrelevant plot lines.  For a shocker, see "11th Hour Cleaning."

The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven, Carmen Electra, Catfights, and Milk

Classic!  Carmen Electra clad in a tight shiny silver bodysuit with shiny silver stiletto hooker boots.  Along comes the sultry Debra Xavier in a black leather dominatrix outfit with black stiletto hooker boots.  The two get in a catfight to the death!  This reminds me...does Miss Electra still date Dennis Rodman? Okay, dumb question.  Today we have a gratuitous film where Miss Electra will be nude a lot, have a lot of steamy pre-marital sex, and engage in an epic catfight.  Our film today is 1998's "The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven," directed by Lawrence Lanoff. 

Playboy Playmate Shauna Sand plays Emma.  She'll be chased, caught, stripped to her undies, and brutally murdered.  Uh oh...Emma was some sort of chosen one by the Indians, equipped to fight evil...now she's gone.  Along comes Emma's sultry sister, McKenna (Electra).  Home for the funeral the Indian tribe tells her she must be the new chosen one.  McKenna balks but Emma's ghost comes back and trash talks McKenna to agree.  McKenna is sweet on the sheriff, Henry (Dave Oliver). The two will have steamy sex in this film while McKenna pours cold milk all over them.  This looks a lot better on the silver screen than it may seem. The trouble is Henry's GF is the sultry Nora (Debra Xavier).  When Nora finds out Henry is busting nuts with McKenna...Nora goes to the dark side and aligns with meth-dealer Cole (Michael Stedvec).

Okay...McKenna is now The Raven with a task to fight evil.  She and Nora are murdered together and tossed in the same grave.  McKenna, being a half-deity, rises out of the grave.  Uh oh...Nora rises as the evil wolf deity, sworn to murder The Raven.  Nora will don dominatrix garb and McKenna will don the aforementioned bodysuit. Nora will murder...McKenna will save the innocent.  This will not continue too long. Soon, McKenna and Nora realize they must murder one another.  You'll see.  The ending is soooo great!  One may say it tops the catfight between Heather Locklear and Emma Samms in "Dynasty."

As McKenna dumps milk all over herself, and Henry licks it up, is there a chance Nora will intrude for a threesome?  Who will win the battle, The Raven or The Wolf?  Is this the definitive film that captures the ethos of Native Americans?  Gratuitous and satisfying, Carmen Electra's performance, and what she is willing to do on film, will make us all grateful.  For a prurient good time, see "The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven." 

Red Clover, Leprechaun Annihilates the Irish

How did I miss this one!  The kill count is intense.  When you see a character in this film you might have some interest in...well, don't get too interested in them.  When in doubt...shred them!  Gotta love moviemakers who adhere to that doctrine.  She's pretty...shred her!  He's a hunk...shred him!  They're Irish... shred them all! Cut them in half...eat them...gut them...pull their brains out...be unmerciful.  Too pretty to die...nonsense!  Also fans of redheads need a vixen hero, hence 2012's "Red Clover," directed by Drew Daywalt.

The ravishing highschooler, redheaded Karen (Courtney Halverson), is hunting in cursed Massachusetts woods with her granddad, Pops (William Devane).  She gets lost and finds a red four-leaf clover...and plucks it.  Eek...the cursed fauna burns into her hand and a monster leprechaun pops out of the ground and attacks her. She fights it off...but now, according to curse, only has four days to live. Her dad Connor (Billy Zane), the sheriff, doesn't believe her until he and his babe deputy, Jen (Azure Parsons), get really busy with gruesome homicides.  People are being pulled apart and half-eaten.  Only the drunk Pops believes Karen...and he's sad because he knows the curse can't be gotten rid of.

Karen has hunk and babe high school friends...like I said...don't get too attached to them.  Sadly, the St. Patrick's Day Parade queen, the blonde babe Amanda (Kelly Washington), will have her brains pulled out (okay, no blonde jokes here), moments after her mom is gutted by the fiend.  So sad.  But wait! Karen has a new BF, Dax (Dave Davis) who is into the occult.  He and Pops figure out a way to save Karen from a deadly fate.  It is a longshot...but the nubile redhead may just be too beautiful to die.  Falling back on ancient Irish lore, the trio have a lot of work to do.  Eventually, Connor becomes a believer.  He has an awful revelation for Karen, and it will ruin her day...you'll see.  Now an epic war will take place in the cursed Massachusetts woods (the film is shot in Louisiana)...and the gore that occurs will have you in total awe.

Will Karen survive and defeat the monster she inadvertently let loose?  Is the fact that the blonde is shown to have had a brain a revelation that movie makers will take to heart in their future films?  Just what epic revelation does the sheriff have for Karen...and why wait until the end of the movie to reveal it?  This is one of the best films I've seen in the last 20 years.  No other film has captured the ethos of the Massachusetts people better than "Red Clover," so see this movie today.    

Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment, Corman-esque Fun

Juan Diaz, Jr. is one of my favorite filmmakers.  He makes movies we want to see...a la Roger Corman. A laboratory experiment gone wrong! A creature escapes from a cage or a beaker. Nubile babes in trouble. Hunk guys, just a little slow on the uptake. Mad scientists. A military ready to drop a nuke.  Yep...Mr. Diaz follows a great recipe.  So, if your thing isn't RomComs, consider 2023's "Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment."  The action, performances, and creature f/x are a whole lot better than anything Cate Blanchett has ever done.  Now, here's something special...there will be more. Also here is a trailer for the next feature, and it looks terrific..."The Amityville Ripper."  Hey! Why not?

In a secret government lab, Project 19 has been developed by Dr. Fulci (Jose Pelaez).  Uh oh...the thing escapes from its cage and escapes from the lab...go figure...that never happens, right? Fulci contacts the Dept. of Defense and notifies General Corman (Carey Rolley). The good general understands the magnitude of the situation and is ready to drop a nuke on Amityville.  Now Fulci is under the clock to capture the escaped monster before Corman gives the nuke order. Project 19?  Oh, it is slimy, red, big-eyed, and very toothy...and it sneaks into apartments and eats nubile babes and annoying guys. The creature f/x are masterful here.

Okay, resident schmuck, Ford (Diaz, Jr.) lives in an Amityville apartment complex.  One by one his neighbors get eaten.  Ford is kind of a loser, but who knows, his business of creating action figures no one wants may take off.  He is smart enough to own a big gun and when he suspects his apartment complex has been invaded by an evil being, he arms up.  Monster attacks, shoot-outs, and a nun in peril will ensue.  Uh oh, again.  Before there was Project 19...there was Project 18.  What happened to Project 18 will add more shocking horror to this plot.  As our mutant eats away at residents and makes its way to Ford, and a nuke bomber heads to Amityville, Ford engages in a battle to save humanity and perhaps come up with a new and original idea for his next action figure.

Will Project 19 be neutralized before the bomber reaches Amityville?  Will Project 19 follow 'social distancing' protocols?  Will Juan Diaz, Jr. market the Project 19 action figure?  This is a fun one and fans of Roger Corman films will want to move this to #1 on their "Movies to Watch" list.  For great scifi/horror and creature f/x, see "Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment." To buy the DVD of this film, click on this link DVD of SUBHUMAN .

Now, you can download “Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment.” The download includes extras like an exclusive trailer to THE AMITYVILLE RIPPER (a lost Giallo film), TWO alternate endings, and a POST CREDITS scene. Each DVD also includes a FREE mini poster inside. Thank you again for supporting independent filmmaking. You can order your copy at SUBHUMAN Download on Etsy

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, Bikini Babe vs. Monsters

No CGI in this one! Nope!  A lot of monsters...and a bikini babe!  A post-apocalyptic tale in which monsters, mutants, and brute men seek to violate a nubile babe.  We need more films like this.  Instead Hollywood gives us irrelevant anthems of "social justice" and woke pronoun lessons. Forget about Disney, forget about Harrison Ford (who has not made a good film in nearly 40 years), forget about "inspirational change," forget about "starting the conversation."  Bring on the bikini babes and the aroused monsters that seek to soil her! Today we look at 1990's "A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell," directed by Brett Piper.

Lea (Linda Corwin) is aforementioned post-apocalyptic bikini babe.  She is traipsing along a dinosaur and mutant infested futuristic landscape with her brute lover Marn (Paul Guzzi).  They have a sweet relationship based on vicious eroticism and lust. While Lea is washing at a river, Marn is fighting off a huge worm monster.  Lea will have to fight off a dino-alligator thing soon.  As soon as she finishes fighting of the reptile creature, humanoid lizard men come and try to gang rape her.  Marn saves her but Lea is then abducted by Clon (Alex Pirnie).  He's a brute who grunts and probably smells.  Marn, knocked out trying to save Lea from reptile rape, is now on Clon's trail to try to get the bikini babe back.

More monster attacks will occur...no CGI...puppets and Claymation all the way!  Weird dinosaur things and flying reptile things will emerge as hungry threats.  Lea will try to escape and always be brought back by Clon's lizard men. Marn will never be far behind and will be gifted a gun by a weird stranger (Mark Deshaies). Now the drooling Clon has had enough with foreplay and will rip Lea's clothes off, fondle her private parts and drool all over them, and...well...let's stop here.  Bug monsters will also join the plot and other icky things, too.

Will Marn ever catch up or will Clon have free reign with our bikini babe?  Do the mutant lizard men have a shot with Lea?  At some level, does our post-apocalyptic bikini babe enjoy the attention she is receiving from monster, mutant, and man alike?  This is a good one.  If you need a dose of manhood in your movie selection, tell your girlfriend to sit down, shut up...and learn a thing or two from Lea the bikini babe of the future.  See "A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell" and get your 'man-card' punched. 

   

Blind Waters, Shark vs. Blind Bikini Babe

The Asylum celebrates their 25th anniversary this year. We are so thankful for them. As we have just left Shark Week, we can be grateful they still make shark films.  Today is a typical Asylum creation as we'll enjoy a nubile bikini babe, a big ugly shark, useless men, and and equally useless Coast Guard.  Throw in a psychopathic killer and a purse snatcher and we have all we need to survive the remainder of the summer. Today we look at 2023's "Blind Waters," written and directed by Anthony C. Ferrante.

So cute...Valentina a bikini babe (Meghan Carrasquillo) and hunk Weston (Noam Sigler) are enjoying each other at a Mexican resort...or is it San Diego? No matter. The next day they rent a fishing boat to go SCUBA diving.  As they are doing this, Gabe (Francisco Angelini) murders a captain and steals his boat. He cons an American family to come along.  Sadly, the family, which includes two bikini babes, is eaten by a monster shark.  Now the shark destroys Gabe's boat and he gets away on a raft.  Our lovers go SCUBA diving.  After a boneheaded move by Weston, he loses the engagement ring and a shark scares Valentina.  Now both failures are back on the boat and the shark attacks the boat. Valentina suffers a bump on the head and is now blind.  The shark keeps at it and capsizes the boat.

Our lovers are on the top of the capsized vessel as the monster circles them.  It won't go away.  Hey!  Wow! Guess what!  There's a big island 50 feet away...but with a shark in the water, it is a long 50 feet.  They do reach the Coast Guard by cellphone, but it is a low energy Coast Guard.  Probably supply chain issues.  Not counting on these guys, our lovers try to strategize. Their options are limited.  Our bikini babe is great looking, but her blindness makes her a liability,  Still, she's too good looking to just sacrifice her to the shark God.  Uh oh...the island may hold more dangers than one would think.  What is on the island may be just as deadly as the mini-Meg.

Is Valentina in a maroon bikini too beautiful to be chewed up and swallowed?  Can Weston do anything right?  Even blind, is the babe Valentina more likely to figure out something than all the useless men in this Asylum production?  The monster shark is terrific and some good shark effects highlight this film along with the maroon bikini.  For some nice summer fun, see "Blind Waters."   

Superhost, A Guest Review by Robert Treybur

{Today's review is by a great friend of mine who goes by the pseudonym Robert Treybur.  He has been a patron of this blog as well as an enormous encourager for all 1900 reviews that have appeared on this blog.  Back in November 2013 I posted my initial review, Kate Beckinsale's "Whiteout." He read it eagerly and loved it.  A kindred spirit, Mr. Treybur is, you might say.  You'll hear more from him as he emerges as one of the greatest horror poets in American literature.} 

As an original fan of the Emporium from way back in 2013, I was ecstatic when Chris invited me to submit a “Guest Review” . . . with the caveat that the movie had to be both deviant and prurient in nature. Knowing I would never live up to the depths of Mr. Zisi’s expectations or imagination, I decided to explore the next best thing: a social media obsessed dysfunctional couple suddenly faced with extreme pain and/or dismemberment. Too harsh too early? You be the judge as we take a look at 2021’s SUPERHOST, directed by Brandon Christensen.

Claire (Sara Canning) and Teddy (Osric Chau) are a young couple trying to keep their once thriving travel vlog/social media channel afloat, which is aptly named “Superhost”. Claire is desperate to keep subscribers at any cost, while Teddy is simply happy to create unimaginative videos about the various vacation spots that they rent and review . . . as long as can be with her. When we first meet these star-crossed lovers, they are filming a teaser video about their upcoming stay at an isolated vacation home. Fans of the Emporium will see early on that bad things are coming when: 1.) Teddy gets teased/rebuffed for premarital sex with Claire in the first ninety seconds (no pun intended) of the movie; and 2.) the two take a long drive up an isolated mountain road during the opening credits.

Our vacuous couple soon meet Rebecca (Gracie Gillam), the house hostess and excited fan who only wants to get the best review possible. Helpful to a fault, Rebecca is always ready to unplug a toilet with a large knife, provide an unexpected breakfast (while watching through the ever present home security cameras), defend Teddy and Claire against angry former landlords (Barbara Crampton!), and generally make her increasingly unsettling presence known at all times of day and night. Rebecca is just cute and awkward enough for the arrogantly unwary (like Claire) to not take seriously, even to the point of wanting to exploit her “quirks” in order to get new subscribers.

Teddy, the voice of reason, tries to appeal to Claire’s better nature and take the higher road. Unfortunately, his earnestness is met with not so subtle emasculating comments from Claire, such as how Teddy’s uninspired editing and on-camera commentary are the reasons they lose subscribers, and how she is ashamed they have to ask his Dad for rent (I noticed they don’t ask HER Dad for rent money . . . . ) Of course, Teddy takes all of this in stride, as a sub plot involves him desperately wanting to marry Claire in the tradition of all naïve Gen Z romantics – while constantly asking new viewers to like and subscribe. Unfortunately, Teddy is a Beta Male, and Claire is shallow, so you can probably guess how that is going to work out for him . . . .

Back to our main story: Teddy and Claire learning that actions have consequences, and that perceived slights of possibly sociopathic people can be deadly. Terrific performances from Sara Canning and Osric Chau bring an “unsympathetic sympathy” to Claire and Teddy as they attempt to deal with Gracie Gillam’s Rebecca, who is devolving into (possible) insanity . . . or maybe she is just upset at the idea of not getting a good review? Maybe she harbors a secret desire for Teddy? Perhaps Teddy should dump Claire and make cat videos with Rebecca . . . the rabbit holes here are endless.

Friends, let me state at this point that SUPERHOST is a “guilty pleasure” of mine. While the premise itself is admittedly not that original (the isolated couple faced with a possibly insane stalker), director Brandon Christensen has taken this trope to a higher level. Production value, or the appearance thereof, is key for a successful horror movie, and Christensen has definitely delivered here, to include using an actual mountaintop residential home that was listed for sale after filming completed (the filmmakers utilized the home’s original furniture, kitchen décor and even lamb shaped footrests with the result being the building itself becomes an ominous character!) Talented direction, creative use of visuals, cinematography, and environment all combine to make this movie stand out. Composers Blitz//Berlin also deliver an ominous score that enhances the psychological ebbs and flows as the characters’ carefully constructed worlds begin to fall apart (the moment when we finally “see” the real Rebecca really shines through if you pay close attention to the music . . . .)

Some of you will not enjoy SUPERHOST. Some will find that there is not enough gore or violence, or believe the “threat” (no spoilers here, if there is one at all?) is not really that dangerous. Fair enough. However, I would submit that the fear at work here is more akin to what you would find in the real world as opposed to what we have seen in the past in places like Haddonfield or Camp Crystal Lake. As a good friend once told me, in the old days the insane were kept locked away secure in the family attic, but today they are standing in line behind you at Costco – and you don’t know if they have taken their meds. So do yourself a favor, watch out for the peppy, overly positive girl next time you are in line at the store, buy your favorite adult beverage, and watch SUPERHOST.

Maid Droid, Another Attempt to Replace Women

Pleasure droids!  A great idea, no doubt. Dating and relationships have gotten...well...complicated and no fun in this woke modern era. Have you ever noticed that pleasure droids don't fare well in cinema?  They often end up flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water, short-circuiting, or sparking after exploding.  Okay, I admit...this is very similar to actual females.  Nonetheless, the concept is tempting, at times. A babe 100% devoted to a man's sexual satisfaction.  I'm sure the Japanese are working on perfecting these things.  Today we look at 2023's "Maid Droid," directed by Rich Mallery.

Harrison (Jose Adam Alvarez) has just been dumped by his younger GF, Julia (Kylee Michael). He's distraught as Julia was a babe who loved prancing around nude or in kinky undergarments...they had a deep relationship. Hesitantly, he follows the advice of a friend and orders a "Maid Droid." The droid shows up in a kinky French maid's outfit. Her name is Mako (Faith West).  Mako is really hot and is prepared to fill all of Harrison's needs.  Harrison has kinky needs,  She'll be naked a lot, there will be a lot of pre-marital sex (is that such a thing when a robot is involved?), and the two will fall in love.

Harrison seems to have found true love.  Uh oh...Mako seems to have found very human feelings. Now Mako is having nightmares of former clients. Though Harrison is gentle and loving, former clients whipped and tortured her.  The nightmares seem to do something to Mako's circuits and give her a homicidal streak.  This won't play out well when the shallow Julia decides to reconnect with Harrison.  Now Harrison sneaks behind Mako's back to rekindle his romance with the shallow human.  This is sad.  We the viewer like Make and don't like Julia.  It will get sadder, trust me.  Now Mako seems to have found jealousy and vengeance.

Will Julia and Mako get into a kinky catfight?  Does Harrison stand a chance now that a real woman and a fake woman are in his life?  Just when will the Japanese perfect this technology and make it affordable for everyone?  This is a fun and kinky one.  Perhaps there's a message we should all glean from this film...but sadly, most men will see this film and still desire a droid like Mako. See "Maid Droid" and be warned about what horrors the near future will bring.

Malice, Beautiful but Deadly Asian Babe

A beautiful but deadly babe? What a perfect plot device.  Also, what a perfect metaphor for the dating scene.  The more beautiful...the more deadlier...at least metaphorically.  The babes are the ones that turn into the monsters...but can they be so beautiful that the coming carnage is worth it? Today we have one from Australia, a short movie by Chaz Fenwick, 2023's "Malice" (aka "Malice: Nu Gui")" directed by Fenwick, Joshua Evans and Gustavo Diaz.  The film stars Asian babe Martina Chen...when she speaks Mandarin, guys melt.

Poor Zheng Wei (Kent Lee), a good bloke. Yep...he incurred an ancient Chinese curse (not Calgon) and now he is getting ready to barf out his innards...happens.  Malice is a demon seeking revenge and carnage for a hideous wrong inflicted upon her centuries ago.  Today, she has taken the form of sultry Asian babe Sai (Chen). Sai allows Joe (Jake Harrison) to date her...and now Joe is getting ready to barf out his innards...so sad.  Men do not stand a chance against this demon...but they can't resist her.  It possesses the beautiful and preys on hormone filled guys...a lot of gals are like that, I know.

Uh oh...Malice/Sai's plans are a bit more ambitious. Lee (Joshua Chan) and his nubile GF Keo (Mya Lazorka) tried to help Joe, but couldn't.  Now Sai goes after Lee.  Lee is obsessed.  Uh oh...Lee may not be Sai's target...Keo is.  Keo?  Why?  The answer is horrific.  Now Keo is in mortal danger as a historical evil insists on being avenged.  Whatever happened centuries ago to unleash the babe demon, Malice, upon modern day Australia, will seek blood and torture.  As Keo's own ancestry may have put her in Malice's past, she might find a mystical ally (Midori Silling) to help her.

What does Malice want with Keo?  Given the wonderful dish Sai is, is the tortuous deaths men endure worth it? Just who is this mystical ally that may be able to help Keo?  This is a good one.  Ominous and shocking, this short film (45 minutes) is filled with babes, gore, and effective horror.  See Chaz Fenwick's "Malice: Nu Gui," and beware of the hot Asian chick that has come onto you.    

Hunter's Moon, Serial Killers, Babes, and a Monster

You have to love these movies when no one in it is who they appear to be.  Okay, there are some nubile young babes in this film...we do know they will be the ruin of many a man. Today we have a weird one.  Even though experienced horror fans will see what is going on pretty early after the opening credits, it is still a lot of fun.  The great cast will include Amanda Wyss, Katrina Bowden, Thomas Jane, and Jay Mohr. Today we look at 2020's "Hunter's Moon," directed by Michael Caissie.

Serial killer Martin (Sean Patrick Flanery) murders the lovely coed Stacy (Lexi Atkins) and buries her in the orchard.  While burying her he is ripped to pieces by a monster. Now Martin's house is sold to Thomas and Bernice (Mohr and Wyss).  Because the home was the location of many murders of college girls, the couple got the house at a bargain.  They have three babe daughters, Juliet (Katrina Bowden), Lisa (India Ennenga), and Wendy (Emmilee Parker)...three teens and all sultry.  Juliet is quite the flirt (skank) and lures the Bloomfield boys to her house when her parents go on a business trip.  The Bloomfield boys? Three drug dealing no good ruffians with rape on their mind. Billy (Will Carlson) is the Casanova of the trio, Lenny (Spencer Daniels) is the ring leader, and Darryl (Daniel R. Hill) is the muscle.

Okay, as Thomas and Bernice are off on a mysterious trip, the Bloomfield boys invade the home with rape in mind.  Uh oh...Juliet is waiting for them...she seems to want to be raped.  Oh!  Thomas Jane is the sheriff...he shows up figuring the boys are up to no good.  No one is excited to see him.  Uh oh again, Darryl has wandered into the neighboring orchard where he has met the monster that killed Martin at the beginning of the movie.  Now the monster is hungry and the girls and boys...and sheriff...barricade themselves in the house.  The boys still want to rape...Juliet wants the boys...the sheriff...well, you'll see. Uh oh again...no one is who they appear to be.  Now, mom and dad are on their way back and the monster in the orchard is getting bold.

Just what is this monster that prowls the orchard outside of the the family home?  Who is a greater danger to the Bloomfield thugs, the monster or the girls? Just what is this business trip mom and dad went on as soon as they all moved into the house?  The reveal will be so nice and true horror. This is a very cute story with babes and hunks and a good monster.  The cast is fantastic, too.  See "Hunter's Moon" for a good Friday night creature feature. 

The Elevator, Demons and Murder on Points

Have some extra Marriott points?  I wonder if The Imperial Hotel, from our film today, is part of the Marriott Bonvoy program.  If so, instead of bottled water when checking in...maybe some bottled holy water can be given.  Today we have a creepy hotel story that includes recent phenom Chrissie Wunna. She makes films more often than Eric Roberts, but is more fun to look at...at least for us guys.  Today we delve into 2023's "The Elevator" (aka "Haunted Hotel" and "Hellevator Hotel"), directed by Tom J. Kelly.

Lilly (Wunna) shows up at The Imperial Hotel as the new night manager.  The cavernous and old hotel has seen a lot of guests mysteriously die of late.  In fact, just before Lilly arrives, the beautiful Melissa (Danielle Scott) is chased into an elevator by a demon and dragged into the boiler room and killed.  Lilly is actually a reporter trying to get to the bottom of these deaths.  While there she determines the elevator is key to these deaths.  Two new guests (Stephen Staley and Harry Boxley) are also onto this and try to investigate the lift.  They'll both die horribly.  Lilly meets some weird employees including the very tall handyman, Norton (George Nettleton), who she will have steamy pre-marital sex with.  Sylvester (Alix Maxwell) is the creepy day manager who seems to know the hotel's forbidden secrets.

In her investigation, Lilly uncovers ghostly signs.  These signs are presented in the form of swarms of flies or blood.  She'll douse a baseball bat with holy water and now is also armed to fight Satan...can't hurt. Lilly also uncovers much of the hotel's history.  The place has been built on land used in Satanic rites and these rites continued even after the hotel opened for business.  Now Lilly must face her fears and horrific moments from her recent past and battle Satan and perhaps his minions in the form of a cult.  Did I mention Lilly's gratuitous bath scenes? 

Will the lovely Lilly have her climactic battle with Satan in the bathtub, all naked and lathery...or fully clothed?  Is the hotel staff part of a Satanic cult?  Will Lilly be sought after for sacrifice or to spawn Satan's child?  Chrissie Wunna always turns in a steamy performance and always makes films we want to see.  For some gratuitous and creepy Friday night fun, see "The Elevator."

Dirty Games, Viewers Demand Deviance and Blood

Yeah...those shallow twenty-somethings believing their self-worth is dictated by likes and perceived fame are perfect fodder for slashers.  But let us not forget about the fawning public who feeds these flames by showing interest and hitting the thumbs up button.  Yep...they are just as much part of the problem. Anyway, let us talk about one of the hottest new actresses over the past few years...Chrissie Wunna.  She is in our feature today and her performance will send you to the shower.  You'll see.  Today we look at 2022's "Dirty Games" (aka "Game of Love"), directed by Jack Ayers.

Sluts and babes are summoned to participate in a reality/game show at some out of the way mansion. Lucy (Emily Eaton-Plowright) is a sultry redhead who is selected.  Also selected are the blonde skank Naomi (Danielle Scott), the excitable Jasmine (Jacasta Townend) and hunks James (Daniel Godfrey) and Callum (Mark Haldor). The gals will all have kinky lingerie and the guys will grunt a lot.  During this game, the participants will be asked to couple up...and perform certain deviant tasks.  When the viewers watch on-line, they can send in tasks...and then they'll become deadly.  Oh, Lucy is hot for James and James can't stand Lucy...this will play big.  Sex and BDSM will abound as will strip poker and lesbian kissing.  Threesomes will occur...and death, sadly.

Uh oh...just as Lucy has seduced and won over James, James' ex-GF Georgia (Wunna) shows up.  She'll be a contestant, as well.  What she does will send you to the like button and then the shower.  Very steamy.  Hunk Liam (Ocean Harris) will also show up and have steamy sex with Lucy in the shower.  Now the viewers decide to get deadly and send in tasks that will thin out the herd.  The deviant lingerie fashions are impressive, though they will be quickly discarded for gratuitous nudity.  More grunting, more gratuitous pre-marital sex, more deviant sex, and more BDSM kink will flood the silver screen.  As the dying begins...who will emerge the winner?

Will any of the contestants figure out what is really going on?  Will Lucy and Georgia have a catfight over James, or will they end up in a steamy shower together?  Are any of us above not becoming one of these deviant viewers eager to give the show a thumbs up?  For one of the steamiest performances ever put on film in the 21st century, watch this new Chrissie Wunna film and enjoy the great looking cast and the gratuitous sex and kills in "Dirty Games."  

The Nature of the Beast, Hatchet Man on a Road Trip

Just think of this one as a more psychopathic "My Dinner with Andre" story.  We have the perfect duo for it, too.  Lance Henriksen and Eric Roberts...watching these two on screen together is classic.  Both are ready to spring at your jugular vein at a moment's notice.  Instead of a salad, a main course, and dessert, we'll have corpses, a hatchet, and a lot of blood.  Today we look at 1995's "The Nature of the Beast," directed by Victor Salva.

Jack (Henriksen) is a traveling salesman motoring across Nevada.  His drive is interrupted by a crime scene in which another motorist has been chopped into 1,000 pieces by a hatchet man.  The hatchet man is a serial killer chopping up people along the secondary roads of Nevada.  He's sent on his way but warned not to pick up hitchhikers by the cops.  See, the psycho is still loose and believed to be nearby.  A few miles down the road a menacing hitchhiker implores Jack to pull over.  Adrian (Roberts) is carrying a satchel and a psycho demeanor.  Oh yes, Jack is traveling with a mysterious metal briefcase.  Did I mention the casino robbery?  A casino has been robbed of a million dollars which the newscasts claim was contained in a metal briefcase.

Through weird circumstances, Adrian and jack end up at a diner in the next town.  The two must share a table and both know of the news stories.  Jack is defensive about the briefcase he is carrying and Adrian assumes it contains something not quite legal.  After a babe waitress waits on  them, the two find out the road is closed.  Later, that babe waitress becomes a crime scene as she is chopped into 1,000 itsy-bitsy pieces.  Now the two believe the the other is a felon.  Jack becomes horrified of Adrian and what he believes Adrian is.  Adrian begins tormenting Jack. Others that this duo come across end up chopped up.  Now Jack tries his best to escape from Adrian...but Adrian is not going to have this.  Spiders, snakes, Gila monsters, and more murders will follow as the milquetoast Jack seems helpless to flee from the menacing Adrian.

Is Adrian the hatchet man?  Is Jack the casino robber?  Can Jack man-up and put up a fight against the hatchet-man?  Watching these two on the screen together is magical.  Experienced horror fans might see where this one is going, but don't be too sure, as surprises will abound.  For some good psycho-killer action...see "The Nature of the Beast."