Art of the Dead, Rod Serling Meets Dorian Gray

Its true black magic when Tara Reid as a sultry auctioneer, and Richard Grieco as a homicidal dad, propel us into a gory, deviant, and twisted nightmarish jaunt into the art world. Today we look at a Sonny Mahal film, an artsy-fartsy (okay, maybe artsy-bloody) movie, "Art of the Dead." Warning...nothing is off limits as evil sin natures explode out of the canvass.  You have been warned, this will be deviant and taboo, but if you like your horror horrific (you know, the type that leaves disturbing images in our brains long after the end credits), then this is a must see.

Over a century ago, Dorian Wilde (Danny Tesla) painted seven paintings of animal motifs, which put forth the seven deadly sins. Every owner of this collection, to include the aforementioned Richard Grieco character, met with gruesome ends. Now Dylan (Lukas Hassel) and trophy wife Gina (Jessica Morris) have purchased them at auction. Not a good investment. These millionaires have displayed them in their mansion and their son Louis (Zachary Chyz) arrives home to introduce his GF Kim (Alex Rineheart) to them. Uh oh...the pics begin possessing the family members as Gina is turned into a nymphomaniac seductress seeking sex with everyone including her daughter.

The movie takes a deviant turn as the teenage daughter Donna (Cynthia Aileen Strahan) turns into a greedy slut and...well..its so awful...you'll see. Bigger problem for GF Kim, Louis is possessed by wrath and he turns into a Jack-the-Ripper wannabe. There will be demon rape, amphibian metamorphosis, snail horror...and a lot of taboo horror. As a war rages inside the mansion (and out of it), the beautiful will die horribly and what happens inside the family unit will be so disgusting and wrong. Yes, this is a true horror film, despite its playful tone. As all looks hopeless and the spirit of Dorian Wilde seems to be well on its way to bloody victory, Kim begins to fight back...but it may be too late.

Will Kim be able to save her Louis (and his family) from the wrath of the seven deadly sins? Just how base and taboo will the sexual urges of the now possessed Gina and Donna be? What is the ultimate plan for Dorian Wilde, and on what playing field will an epic final battle be fought on? This is not one for the whole family, or to be discussed at your next book club meeting. Bloody, perverted, and horrific...think of a Rated R version of "Rod Serling's Night Gallery" and you will have an idea of the sensational horror film that is "Art of the Dead," directed by Rolfe Kanefsky.

Cold Ground, Bigfoot Hits the Alps

Okay...we have Bigfoot...and we are thrilled! Asia has the Yeti...and they are stoked to the max. Europe? They have the Loch Ness Monster...lame! Children love their Nessie stuffed animals and schools write nursery songs dedicated to the thing. Hardly a monster. The impotence of the European Union is symbolized by this cuddly monster. Solution...bring Yeti and Bigfoot to Europe. Hence 2017's "Cold Ground."

All contact has been lost with a scientific expedition headed to the top of the French Alps. They were headed up there to research reports of cattle mutilations and strange occurrences. Enter a film crew led by info-babe Melissa (Gala Besson). Her BF and cameraman David (Geoffrey Blandin) will meet up with American cop Blake (Doug Rand) and Euro-biologist Lori-Ann (Maura Tillay) and together they will climb up the alp and try to find them. Big mistake! Before the trek begins we get some gratuitous lingerie shots of Melissa...not that that is important. The trek begins and the cold hits them immediately. The trek will take four days and weird stuff abounds in the form of noises and skinned carcasses of animals. Then...the skinned remains of a human.

Despite the human remains the group continues upward. Uh oh...something appears to be studying and stalking them. The cold intensifies, and avalanche reduces the group in numbers and then the attacks begin. The creature attacks and it is fast and elusive to the camera. That won't continue, This Euro-Yeti is ticked off and intends to skin our TV crew. Melissa is reasonable and will have to hone her leadership skills fast as the group will eventually lose their guide and our cop friend. One by one the team meets gruesome fates...but will the monster get all of them. No more lingerie shots as the cold becomes just as deadly as the fiend.

This is a difficult film to watch if you are at all squeamish...you'll see. Will the fiend ever see any of Melissa's tasteful, yet seductive, undies? Exactly what is this monster, and did it eat all of the initial expedition up the Alps? Is the Euro-Yeti a metaphor of what could befall the EU if it continues its socialist and globalist policies? Okay, that last one is way out there...feel free to ignore it. Directed by Fabian Delage, "Cold Ground" is a brutal horror story that may cause you to change your ski vacation to a theme park somewhere.

Dead House, Rape, Humiliation...and Zombies

This is an uncomfortable one. You have been warned. A home invasion/mad-scientist/zombie film with an edge that cuts into the taboo. Yep, 2014's "Dead House" is all that and features one of the most talkative villains in film history. There will be points in this film when you will be asking, "doesn't he ever shut up?" He doesn't, but he will talk faster when he is beset by zombies which have escaped from a laboratory.

Nibbio (Danny Cutler) heads a trio of home invaders. His brother Brett (Alex Southern) and gangster Tesamento (Alex Lucchesi) round out the trio. They barge into houses, and make mom and dad screw in front of their little children and then kill everyone.  Next up for these evils is John (David White) and his wife Elena (Kate Davies-Speak), and their two adorable children. They don't appear to be any match for Nibbio and his quest for humiliation. So it would seem, but unbeknownst to Nibbio, John is a mad-scientist who creates mutant creatures and zombies for the CIA. When the CIA is not busy trying to overthrow a U.S. president, they work on mutants and zombies.

The trio do what they do best and the sultry Elena is their number one target. They intend to humiliate her and rape her. Uh oh...Nibbio hears something in the basement. Finally a plot device that may shut up Nibbio. Now the fiends must fend off zombie fiends...and so must John and his family. Uh oh...the zombies aren't the only thing that got out of the basement lab. Despite the onset of the undead, Nibbio and company continue their quest to humiliate and rape. Uh oh again, secrets are revealed that may indicate our innocent family may deserve what emerges from the lab.

There will be a lot of awkward and taboo rape scenes mixed in with zombies-eating-the-living gore. As the reveal will make you squirm, the fate of everyone here will be...well, you'll see. Will Nibbio's gang be ale to continue rape and pillaging as mutants and zombies are thrown into the picture? What secret does Elena hold that may betray her own family? If left alone would John the mad-scientist have cured cancer instead of unleashing a zombie apocalypse? Gory and uncomfortable, "Dead House" will please those hard core horror fans and chase away the main stream audiences. Filmed in Italy and directed by Amerigo Brini, enjoy "Dead House."

Dr. Moreau's House of Pain, Mad Scientist Film Noir Style

What is your spiritual animal? Yeah, right...a lion...or an eagle...or a bronco...that's what everyone says. Your friends are too polite to tell you, but they see in you a pig...or an aardvark...or a catfish. Wouldn't it be great if some mad scientist invented a formula that could bring the animal out in you? Today we have a Charles Band spectacular that asks the same question in a deviant and sadistic way. Hence 2004's "Dr. Moreau's House of Pain," which is shot just like a classic Film Noir film.

A washed up boxer, Eric (John Patrick Jordan) and his two dame assistants, reporterette Mary Anne (Debra Mayer) and GF Judith (Jessica Lancaster) are searching for Eric's missing brother. They stake-out a bar where Alliana (Lorielle New) is an exotic dancer. After closing the trio witnesses Alliana punch through the head of a schmuck and abscond with his body. They follow her to an abandoned asylum and make the mistake of sneaking onto the grounds. Once inside the asylum property a pig-man named Gallagher (Peter Donald Badalamenti II) and dog-man named Pee Wee (B.J. Smith) carry off Mary Anne and put the other two in a cage. Uh oh, Mary Anne is strung up in Dr. Moreau's (Jacob Witkin) lab and the mad scientist gives her to Pee Wee. The sultry Mary Anne then has her internal organs ripped out by the dog fiend.

Moreau is now the prisoner of his mutant creations and they seek to be human. Moreau needs human organs to accomplish this. Both Pee Wee and Gallagher now want to mate with Judith and will humiliate her and deceive her into cross-species pre-marital sex. Leopard-woman Alliana wants to mate with Eric...and does. As the soiled and sultry Judith remains a sex-toy for the pig fiend, Alliana stakes her claim on Eric. Uh oh...more fiends exist and they have other plans for the two surviving humans, and their internal organs will play a part in them. As Dr. Moreau follows the twisted orders of his creations, more grotesque plans are revealed.

This is a gory and deviant jaunt through cross-species experimentation and sex, so if that makes you uncomfortable go watch some Disney flick. Will the violated Judith escape without being impregnated by a mutant fiend? Will Eric find his brother? Will the creature rapists ever find humanity again (a question we could all ask about ourselves)? Charles Band isn't afraid to cross the line and Alliana isn't afraid to throw gratuitous nudity in our faces in this fine horror film, "Dr. Moreau's House of Pain."

Exists, The Bigfoot Project

Bigfoot never shows up at Yankees games or July 4th fireworks celebrations. In all fairness, do we need to show up in his wooded lair? Fairness is an elusive concept to us humans, subject to weird interpretations in a world where every silly thought is given value and meaning. This is all fine and good...except when a ticked off monster is the final arbiter. Hence we look at 2014's "Exists," directed by Eduardo Sanchez ("The Blair Witch Project").

Ticked off? That may be an understatement. Five jerks...I mean twenty-somethings ride into the woods of east Texas. They're silly and amorous and pre-marital sex, alcohol...and probably marijuana are their only goals. They will even get into some skinny-dipping. During a pitch-black night, Matt (Samuel Davis) the driver, hits something in the road. A deer? Yeah right. The quintet carries on to a run down cabin. Brian (Chris Osborn), the fifth wheel and GoPro guy (he's filming everything) believes he has seen and heard something in the woods. Because he's a fifth wheel, he'll sleep outside in a hammock as the nubile Liz (Denise Williamson) and hunk Todd (Roger Edwards) have pre-marital sex in a bedroom.

The aforementioned Matt and Dora (Dora Madison) will occupy another bedroom. Brian continues to hear weird noises and the morning arrives. No one listens to Brian and the lonely Brian sneaks into the woods to film Liz and Roger having more pre-marital sex. While capturing his two amorous pals having sex, Brian spies something else...Bigfoot!!!  All subtlety is tossed out the window by Mr. Sanchez here as the huge hairy beast begins attacking. He puts a tree through the car and savages the cabin. Scared, but still alive, the twenty-somethings send Matt on a bike to reach the highway...bad idea. Bigfoot returns and continues his attacks and penetrates the cabin. Not all will survive this attack and the survivors are now on the run near Bigfoot's lair. The hairy thing has them just where he wants them now, and Matt? You'll see.

Bigfoot's temper is hostile and the twenty-somethings will pay a dear price. This found-footage film shows us a slaughter and from the outset we know some great looking east Texans will die horribly. Will any of these babes or hunks survive the Bigfoot onslaught? Does Bigfoot have any special plans for the nubile Liz and Dora? Just what caused this Bigfoot's wrath in the first place? This is another ominous and vicious tale with an evil a lot less ambiguous than the witch in Mr. Sanchez' first film. For some nice Bigfoot carnage, enjoy "Exists."

The Trick or Treat Picture Show, Reliving the Drive-In

Those late 1970s and early 1980s represented an era very dear to us slasher film and drive-in movie fans. Movie-maker Anthony Ashmore agrees and he has given us a love letter to that golden (or shall we say...blood red) age of cinema. Just like the drive-in films we loved so much, Mr. Ashmore gives us grainy picture quality, missing reels, beautiful damsels in much distress, hunks with no purpose, and soulless slashers with machetes and hammers. Hence 2019's "The Trick or Treat Picture Show."

Those proverbial damsels in much distress and the fiends that beset them. In this four hour drive-in experience (compressed into 90 minutes) Christine (Christine James Walker) and Audrey (Annabelle Bailer) do a fine job in performances that would impress Jamie Lee Curtis. Though they are in two separate films, the duo acts as a metaphor for why we all love these films. They are underdogs against the evil that stalks them, their daily struggles in life are met with a dignity and nobility...and their hot...and us guys (or teens back then) have hormones. The monsters that hunt them are indeed soulless, which may be the opposite metaphor, the vicious and unforgiving nemesis of us all, that is real life. Despite the fact that we meet these slasher-film staples after a hint of a movie capturing the mood of "The Devil's Rain" or "The Dunwich Horror," Anthony Ashmore knows our affections for this 1980s cinema, and its backbone...the slasher and his nubile victims.

But wait! Mr. Ashmore's film gives us the entire drive-in experience, and you know what that means. Right, we're going to get hungry, hence Frankenmummies! You'll see, no spoilers here, but have a paper and pencil handy when you watch and this film experience will also carry you into the kitchen...Food Network, eat you're heart out. As a movie-maker, Mr. Ashmore excels, but this bloke also does the music. Remember that drive-in theater  music that played during the intermission, and also before and after the features? You'll be humming it through Christmas as this film is neck deep in those harmonies...enjoy, and be ready to yearn for an under-cooked hot dog.

Perhaps and anthology film...or a medley of fond memories of a bygone era...either way, this tribute to the drive-in theater will have you longing for scream-queens with the face of P.J. Soles and body of Pamela Susan Shoop (or vice versa)...oh wait...we never stopped longing for those ladies. Never mind, "The Trick or Treat Picture Show" will serve as affirmation that you are not alone in your affection for pulp, sleaze,  and slasher horror. So go forth and boldly proclaim your preference for these films and if someone calls you on it...refer them to this film.
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Skull Heads, The Dysfunctional Arkoff Family

A weird and contorted sadistic family delivered to us by Full Moon Entertainment and Charles Band. With a nod to H.P. Lovecraft, 2009's "Skull Heads" (aka "Devious") will tell an uncomfortable tale of an abomination of a family (Stop it! No! Not yours!). The final reveal will be wild, gory, and shocking, but the story itself will make you feel as if you need a shower.

Naomi Arkoff (Robin Sydney) is a normal teenager (Hah! No she's not!). She wants to listen to rock-n-roll on an iPod, make-out with cute guys, and fornicate. Yearning for this causes her dad, Carver (Steve Kramer) to haul her into the basement and put her on the rack. Yep, the dungeon has some nice torture devices. Beth (Samantha Light) believes he is too tough on Naomi, but does see the importance of keeping her away from the population. In fact every Arkoff has lived in the castle, secluded from any parts of society...but why? Oh yes, the half-wit Peter (Giacomo Gonella), Naomi's uncle, lives there and his male-sex organ is also trying to find a target. Any time Naomi expresses a desire to meet boys or go into town, Carver threatens to put her into the rack.

Oh yeah...grandpa is an invalid in the upstairs bedroom (he'll emerge in horrific fashion later). Ah, the protectors! These are little beings with skull heads who can shoot beams from their eyes and don't like visitors. Enter a three person film crew...they are in reality art thieves. Naomi, against her dad's wishes, invites them over for dinner because she wants to have carnal relations with the director Jensen (Rane Jameson). Later, the trio sneaks back into the castle to rob it of the artwork. Jensen has fallen in love with Naomi (poor schmuck) and insists on not hurting the family. Kim (Kim Argetsinger), the babe producer, wants to kill them all. Upon entering, Jensen finds Naomi on the rack in the dungeon and believes she needs rescuing as Kim starts shooting Arkoffs. This carnage activates the skull heads and now the home invaders are on the run. Oh yeah...grandpa? You'll see.  As Jensen desperately tries to save his new gal, Naomi reveals a couple of surprises which may cause the hunk Jensen to give up dating.

Just what do the skull heads have planned for the three intruders? What will happen when Naomi introduces her new beau to grandpa? What hideous secret has kept the Arkoffs hidden from the rest of the population for centuries? The ending is wild and twisted and true to Full Moon Entertainment's horrific imagination. Enjoy "Skull Heads," and be ready to feel really dirty and used after the end credits roll.

Hunting Grounds, Family Feuds...Bigfoots vs. Humans

Bigfoot? A sympathetic creature? Or perhaps a fiendish monster? Whichever way you answer that question probably reveals a lot about you. After watching 2015's "Hunting Grounds" (directed by John Portanova), that same question is pertinent. Uh oh...there are more questions posed in this film, like...exactly what are those Bigfoots up to? As no actresses appear in this film in any significant manner, no Roger Corman influence will be present.

Michael's  (Miles Joris-Peyrafitte) mom just died. Sad...he had plans and he loved his mom. College is not an option as his dad, Roger (Jason Vail), loses all their money and the duo must sell their house and move to a dilapidated cabin deep in the Washington woods...and you know who lives there? Michael and his dad have a tense relationship as there is no money for college and Roger may be hitting the bottle again. Uh oh...Bauman (Bill Obrest, Jr.) is a hunter who comes across a campsite in which Bigfoot has murdered everyone in it...and now Bauman is attacked by the creature. Okay, Will (D'Angelo Midili) arrives for a visit...he is the milquetoast brother-in-law. He's a good sort but has the survival ability of a drunken ant.

More visitors, Sergio (David Saucedo), Roger's BF arrives. He is obnoxious and we pray that he is disemboweled. As the four head out for a hunting/camping trip, it becomes apparent the hunters are now the hunted. Bigfoot...no, Bigfoots appear, a family of them and they don't like humans. Eek! Roger is taken prisoner. As the now trio hightail it back to the cabin, Bauman escapes and also runs to the cabin. Carnage ensues, Bauman arrives, and beware, he was followed. Now the Bigfoots beset the surviving humans in the cabin and a few more surprises are sprung on us. The monsters seem to have the advantage, but you never know.

Will any of the humans, as obnoxious as they are, survive the Bigfoot onslaught? Just what do the Bigfoots need prisoners for? Is Roger destined to be a POW in the war between man and beast, or will he be on the beasts' menu? This is a good Bigfoot film and really hits us with the question of 'if humans invade the forests, are the monsters really the bad guys?' The acting is terrific and the Bigfoots are menacing...enjoy "Hunting Grounds." 

Glass Trap, Clairvoyance, Yoga, and Big Bugs

Siri Baruc stars in our feature today, 2005's "Glass Trap." Ms. Baruc grew up on a yoga commune in Boston and her mom was a clairvoyance instructor...okay, can those comments! I admit this is not the upbringing for someone we'd want to go have a beer with but she is a doll and she is in this film about giant radioactive angry ants...yes! She'll traipse through the entire film in six inch heels and look really good doing it... Oh yes, for you Syfy Channel fans, this epic is directed by Fred Olen Ray.

Plutonium contaminates some palm plants and six of them end up in L.A. The ants eat the plant and are now radioactive and huge. After eating a local nursery the ants end up in a skyscraper. Here we meet Jane (Stella Stevens) a very superficial editor of 'Hooray' magazine (think 'People') and her sultry aide, Sharon (Baruc). Unbeknownst to them, the ants begin eating peeps on the lower floors. Oh yes, Sharon and maintenance guy, Curtis (C. Thomas Howell), an ex-con, start making goo-goo eyes at each other.  Dept. of Agriculture babe...i mean agent...Elizabeth (Tracy Brooks Swope) arrives at the skyscraper with her team and calls in Agent Corrigan (Martin Kove).

Now the ants eat their way through irrelevant human all the way to Sharon, Jane, Curtis, and two supermodels and their photographer trapped on the roof. Curtis comes up with an ingenious idea to save themselves but an unforeseen problem arises...no spoilers here. Now Corrigan is determined to fill the skyscraper up with DDT even though live humans are trapped inside. Now our crew must not only battle the ants but make their way out of the ant infested building before Corrigan sets off his super bug bomb.

The pesky giant radioactive ants are menacing, if not kinda cute. Sharon in her heels is highly alluring and we cheer for the gruff Curtis, that he may get to have pre-marital sex with her...and survive, of course! What did Siri Baruc's clairvoyant mother tell her about this film when Siri was a little girl? Will Curtis get to have pre-marital sex with the daughter of a clairvoyant and will that clairvoyant have approved? Is this ants-invade-a-skyscraper tale a mere metaphor for the decay of our urban infrastructure? Hey...its a made for Syfy thing directed by Fred Olen Ray...so enjoy "Glass Trap."

Poseidon Rex, Cleavage vs. The Monster

A Minnesota Viking cheerleader with two impressive implants, a modest cleavage buff, frequently soaked in a revealing bikini, firing machine guns and rocket launchers. Oh yes, she also has a penchant for wild  pre-marital sex and drives fast boats. Yep, its Anne McDaniels as a sultry marine biologist, studying jellyfish, and battling a prehistoric behemoth in 2013's "Poseidon Rex."

Okay, as we begin, hunk treasure hunter Jackson (Brian Krause, who sports nice pecs and a five o'clock shadow) and his two soon-to-be eaten cohorts are held at gunpoint by a drug gang on a boat off the coast of Beliz. The thugs want Jackson to bring them up treasure, or they will kill them. The trio dives and sets of explosives to free the treasure. But guess what is unearthed...yep...a vicious dinosaur monster, sort of a T-Rex from the sea. It eats Jackson's friends and surfaces and eats the boat with all the thugs on it. Enter Sarah (Anne McDaniels) and her skimpy red bikini, two implants and cleavage buff.  She's a marine biologist, of course, studying jellyfish. Dripping wet she tantalizes the camera with some gratuitous shots of her implants. Also enter hunk Rod (Steven Helmkemp, you gals are gonna like him a lot) and his GF Jane (Candice Nunes) Jane wears a red bikini nicely, but sometimes there is only room enough for one babe...thus Jane will be chewed up and die, still wearing that bikini nicely...so we won't mention her again.

Okay, back to the plot. Rod and Jane go snorkeling and find Jackson floating. They bring him back to Sarah's hotel room (don't ask) and the three nurse him back to health. Now, with the exception of Jane (who will die horribly), all go out and look for the treasure. They don't find it but do find dinosaur eggs at the ocean floor and the Poseidon Rex creature now chases them. The fiend will eat all the other drug gang members, the Beliz Coast Guard, Jane, a lot more bikini babes and hunks, and pursues Rod, Sarah, and Jackson. Sarah and her implants will have passionate pre-marital sex with Jackson and Rod will emerge as a fifth-wheel, can you guess his fate? Armed with rocket launchers, machine guns, pistols and implants, Sarah and Jackson take the fight to Poseidon Rex.

Will Sarah, her implants, cleavage buff, and rocket launchers be able to quell Poseidon Rex? Is Sarah's choice of Jackson over Rod for pre-marital sex an omen for Rod's vicious fate?  Will the Chicago Bears cheerleaders counter and make a film about large, amorous ape that takes a liking to a cheerleader sporting implants and a shinier cleavage buff? Gratuitous and cheesy to the max, "Poseidon Rex" will throw so much cheesecake and beefcake at you that you will want to watch this several times. By the way, the creature effects are pretty good...but you may not notice.

Crash!, A Babe...The Occult...Demolition Derby

Oh so many car crashes! Cars crashing into cars...front ends...back ends. Cars flung through the air crashing on the tops of other cars, 18 wheelers, boats. Dozens! Police cars? There must be three dozen of those destroyed. Oh yes...the dog and the wheelchair...no spoilers here, watch 1976's "Crash!" to find out. Don't worry, this Charles Band film features a beautiful blonde damsel in much danger and her fate will be quite horrific.

As our story begins a blonde babe (Dawn Orr) and hunk (Rick Deming) driving a van are driven off the road by a mysterious black convertible sans driver. They both die in a massive conflagration. Okay, now sultry blonde Kim (Sue Lyon) buys an amulet at a flea market with the intent of gifting it to her crippled husband, Marc (Jose Ferrer). This won't go well. Eric is quite a bit older than the blonde beauty and resents her for an earlier accident that confined him to a wheelchair. Oh that's right! Sue Lyon was Lolita! No wonder she was a natural to play Jose Ferrer's wife. She likes playing tennis in alluring outfits and lounging around naked in her personal sauna. He rejects the gift and she takes it and drives off.

Eric is a professor of the occult and puts a curse on Kim, hence his menacing doberman attacks her while she drives. This causes a big crash and Kim is cut up bad and burned. In a coma, and with amnesia, Kim clutches the amulet as she heals in a hospital bed. Meanwhile, the aforementioned black car goes on a rampage and murders dozens of cops and other Californians. Dr. Martin (John Ericson) falls in love with her, probably because babes with amnesia are so hot! He tries to find her real identity. Uh oh, knowing he didn't finish the job, Eric uses the black arts to try to kill Kim. Enter beautiful nurse Kathy (Leslie Parrish), who will save Kim's life. Uh oh for Eric, Kim's amulet protects her and now the forces of the occult are targeting Eric, as well.

This film has very horrific images as Kim's broken and slashed body is quite gory after the crash. Her face is disfigured and the beautiful Sue Lyon will still appear as a sultry character in her portrayal of Kim. Also, when possessed, Kim's blood red eyes could give the squeamish among us nightmares. Who will fall to black magic first, Kim or Eric? Will Dr. Martin ever try to pick up a lady who has a memory and isn't confined to his care? Loser! Will the lovely Nurse Kathy prevail, or suffer the fate most beautiful nurses do in these horror films? For some 1970s gratuitous horror, take in the surprisingly grim and ominous "Crash!"

Dune Warriors, Kung Fu in an Apocalyptic Wasteland

Machine guns! Flamethrowers! Grenades! Bows and arrows! Katana swords! A blonde damsel in much distress! Noble warriors in need of a shave who grunt a lot! A babe warrior who skinny-dips and likes pre-marital sex! Yes...a Cirio H. Santiago spectacular, 1990's "Dune Warriors." Perhaps we can term this 'Kung Fu' meets 'Mad Max.'

The evil William (Luke Askew) commands an evil army which roams the apocalyptic wasteland looking for water. After decimating a peaceful village yielding no water he learns of another peaceful village which has much H20.  His forces race there and occupy it. Everyone in the village is a dweeb coward except the sultry blonde Val (Jillian McWhirter). As the village elders are content on surrendering and begging for William's mercy, Val sneaks away to look for brave warriors...she finds them. Michael (David Carradine) who is a wise old tactician with a grudge against William. Fortunately for Val, who has a dweeb fiance, she finds Dorian (Blake Boyd)...a real man, and John (Rick Hill) who never wears a shirt, and the swarthy Ricardo (Dante Varona)...and the sultry Miranda (Maria Isabel Lopez). Val is uneasy around Maria as the female warrior is a woman of the world, but after skinny-dipping with her...well, everything is fine between them.

The warriors reach the village before William's return and train the dweeb men to be warriors. Miranda skinny-dips and has a lot of pre-marital sex and readies her sawed-off-shotgun. As William's forces approach, Dorian romanced Val and the two become fond of each other...very cute. Now some of the village elders, afraid of William's superior army, sabotage the warriors' efforts and conspire with William. Having to repel William's huge army with traitors in the ranks will be a herculean task for Michael and the warriors. As Miranda has more nude love scenes and Val falls in love while looking very concerned, a huge battle awaits.

Can John sufficiently train the villagers to repel a force ten times their size? Will the steamy truce between Val and Miranda be preserved or will their be a cat-fight to end all cat-fights? Will the flamethrower or Katana swords be the deciding weapon, and can you guess which one David Carradine is going to use? This is a fun and gratuitous one and isn't as preachy as those 'Mad Max' films. For some great post-apocalyptic war action and gratuitous pre-marital sex, enjoy "Dune Warriors."

Clash of the Dead, The Return of WWI

I've always been a big fan of Kacey Clarke (formerly Kacey Barnfield), though she has broken my heart too often. In "Resident Evil: Afterlife," playing a nubile and naive actress in L.A., she is torn to pieces by aquatic mutant zombies (perhaps a metaphor for the fates of us all who toil on this mortal coil)...so sad! She dies so often and in the most horrible ways! When I saw she was in 2015's "Clash of the Dead" (aka "World War Dead: Rise of the Fallen") I was hopeful she would survive. Alas, she has her face eaten off by World War I German zombies...so sad!

A TV documentary crew arrives in Somme (France) to film a documentary about the very bloody World War 1 Battle of the Somme.  They bicker a lot and the talent is Emma (Wendy Glenn) and Brian (Robert Bladen). These two are eager to make a serious and somber program about the futile battle that had no winner. Amanda (Clarke) tries to keep them focused, but she'll eventually have her face eaten. Marcus (Ray Panthaki) seems to be the director and desires the duo to spice it up, even if it means embellishing history. Uh oh...Brian begins finding relics. Then by accident, Emma gets face to face with the remnants of a South African soldier wearing an amulet crafted from occultists that brings back the dead.

The dead come back during night filming. German troops arrive and surprise the filmmakers and immediately eat Amanda's face. Oh so sad...it was such a nice face. Another babe will get eaten and Brian, Emma, Daz (Ben Shafik), and Marcus are on the run. The hungry horde chase them into the trenches and into the supporting tunnels. Our quartet, which won't stay a quartet for long) are running for their lives and hiding, but the hungry keep finding them. Trench warfare has hit the 21st century and the documentary crew isn't faring well. Emma, the nubile host of the show and her colleagues come up with an idea, but it is a long-shot.  As the German zombies gain revenge for their loss almost 100 years ago, the survivors begin to enact a plan the Kaiser would have laughed at.

Will Emma be the third pretty face eaten by the zombie horde? Will the Battle of the Somme finally have a winner, 100 years after the last shots were fired? Isn't there a kick-a** heroine role for Kacey Clarke in which she is the one to inflict carnage? The acting is pretty good and the setting in trenches and tunnels adds to a very claustrophobic horrir film. For some good zombie fun, when good zombie fun has become hard to fine, enjoy "Clash of the Dead."

I Am ZoZo, And I Am Zisi

I am Zisi, so today I review "I Am ZoZo." No really...I didn't hand control of this blog over to Dr. Seuss...there really is a movie, from 2012, called "I Am ZoZo," and because I am Zisi, I will review "I Am ZoZo." So all you college kids, bored with existing drinking games, take this film as a warning and don't trade your quarters in for a Ouija board.

They're really annoying and we hope they all meet horrible deaths. Okay, not a nice thing to say, but I had to say it. Five college aged kids meeting at a seaside cottage for a week end of pre-marital sex (probably) and alcohol. Oh but wait, Mel (Courtney Foxworthy), part Goth, all wiccan, takes control of the entertainment. Pictionary? Trivial Pursuit? No!!! Try...a Ouija board. Always a great idea. Really, has there ever been an instance when young attractive people have used this thing and came away saying, "I am so glad we did that, it worked out really well!" No! Never. Tess (Kelly McLaren) is the one we're supposed to get behind, and I guess we do. Hesitant to partake, the wiccan babe convinces her. Now, guess who emerges from...well...the other side?

First some dead children, communicate...oh so cute. Then ZoZo appears. He's menacing and mysterious. He wants to kill the three guys, including Tess' main-squeeze Aiden (Demetrius Sager). We actually want to kill him too, just for being goofy. Then ZoZo wants to rape Tess...a.la Barbara Hershey in "The Entity." As ZoZo does some magic and really gets into the wiccan's head (I'm sure there is plenty of room in there), the mood of the weekend becomes gloomy and horrific. ZoZo proves quite the malicious spirit and the quintet of idiots seem totally over matched.

Will any of these five over-matched dweebs survive this paranormal weekend? Will the lack of dollars in this low-budget spectacular seriously water down the rape scene? Will the clueless guys make a move on our two damsels and engage in pre-marital sex with them before ZoZo does? I am ZoZo and this is "I Am Zisi"...wait...no, other way...I am Zisi and this is my review of "I Am ZoZo." Directed by Scott Di Lalla, this film is flawed but you will have so much fun watching it.

Color Me Blood Red, Shredding Nubile Bikini Babes

"Holy banana, its a girl's leg!" Yep...the most famous quote in movie history...thanks to Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Color Me Blood Red" from 1965. This quote could only come from a film in which scantily clad bikini babes run and jiggle a lot and eventually get strung up and cut up...all in the name of art. Ah to live forever as a captured object of desire on a piece of canvas...what more could a beach frolicking bikini babe desire? This is kind of like an Elvis Presley beach musical...except without the music and with a little (...er...a lot actually) more blood.

Adam (Gordon Oas-Heim) is a struggling artist. His newest pics are demented and weird, as usual, but their lack of oomph has buyers and art critics nonplussed. His sultry girlfriend/model, Gigi (Elyn Warner), always clad in a body-tight leotard, nags him to produce. By accident, Gigi cuts her hand and her blood drips  on the canvas. The red blood inspires Adam and before you know it...he shoves a knife in Gigi's head and uses all her blood. Now his masterpieces are back...but he doesn't want to sell. Inspired again, Adam seeks blood for the canvas...nubile-babe blood to be more exact. After harpooning Mitzi's boyfriend, he abducts her and strings her up. Poor Mitzi (Cathy Collins), Adam rips out her innards and produces another work.

Now the demand for Adam's paintings is high, his thirst for human ( I mean babe) blood increases. Enter April (Candi Conder), clad in a pink bikini. Also enter the red bikini clad Sydney (Pat Finn-Lee)...and their hunk BFs Rold (Jerome Eden) and Jack (Jim Jaekel). We get a lot of gratuitous frolicking in the surf scenes by this quartet...Sydney and April seem to be in a jiggling competition. Uh oh..April isn't too bright...and Adam is like a great white who smells blood. Yep...April, clad in her bikini, will end up strung up and in much peril in Adam's studio as the jiggling Sydney finds the worm infested corpse of Gigi...hence the aforementioned quote.

Will the nubile April be saved by her hip friends or will her blood help produce the next deviant masterpiece? Is the blood of bikini babes in "Color Me Blood Red" a mere metaphor for the male interpretation of what happens to females during menstrual cycles? Is Adam a striking metaphor of what men in the art world think about women...mere objects of fatal desire? Bloody and gratuitous in bikini jiggling and blood...alas "Color Me Blood Red" is a film that will make you wince as you think about the fate of the next bathing beauty entering a Herschell Gordon Lewis film.