Paranormal Demons, Dangerous Hoaxes

Yep...those videos of real hauntings we find on YouTube...all fake! Next, let us go to 'The Dark Web," how about those videos? Fake? Sure they are...after all, there are no ghosts. Science can explain everything. This is easy for us to say as we sit at home, comfortably playing on the internet and watching TV. It is easy to be a cynic when our carpets don't emanate a stench of the corpses of 100 children all tortured to death by Nazis and Soviets. Hence, 2018's "Paranormal Demons," a David Bruckner film.

Sweet Mary (Olivia Dean)...so studious and cute. The nubile college student undertakes a project to disprove a haunting she found on the aforementioned 'dark web.' (Hey, it beats a lengthy thesis on feminine political thought in Bronte's literature). It is a brutal video in which two ghost hunters meet a bloody demise at the hands of a hulking demon...all fake, of course. Or is it? Enter her crew; Josh (Josh Madry)...the room mate and producer, Julia (Ildiko Preszly)...a nubile redhead who brings the beer (Beck's, of course), Michael (Sebastian Matthias Weissback), and the camera guy Dave (Bruckner). Time to begin, so our quintet drives 50 kilometers out of Berlin to interview a medium, Miss White (Kristina Kostiv). Lucky for us this medium is a babe...unlucky for the quintet, she is possessed by a demon during a seance.

As the quintet run out screaming from Miss White's mansion, they quickly arrive at an abandoned sanitarium. Uh oh...the Nazis and Soviets did awful things to patients there. The team sets up right away. The perky Mary tasks her people and they not only try to find hauntings, but also show how they can be faked. Finding the hauntings will prove easier. That hulking demon is back and he has the biggest axe and sharpest knives in Germany. The fiend goes after the team and now they are running scared, trying to survive. Mary, ever the nubile trooper, tries to keep her eyes on her goal but her team frightens easily. What follows is frights and gore and we do so want the sweet and nubile gals to survive...Mary because she is so sweet, and Julia because she brings the Beck's.

Is the entire team destined to be chopped to pieces by the hulking fiend? Is this a real haunting...or is Mary right, which means the monster is mortal? What is the history of this abandoned sanitarium, and just how many potential ghosts await the quintet? We get a lot of character development in the first half of "Paranormal Demons," but the wait will be worth while as the ghost/fiend is horrific and determined to disembowel. Great job by David Bruckner and his cast in delivering a nice horror film with one of the best haunted settings ever put on film.

He Drives at Night, Gratuitous Serial Killer Action

It seems as if 90% of the cast to this film die horribly. Drills, a nail gun, a fork...well the deaths are almost imaginative as the story. Warning...this isn't some gory slasher film with eight or nine deaths...nope this is a horror film with what seems like dozens and dozens of killings. I didn't count....but every few minutes or less...a bloody killing! Hence today we look at 2019's "He Drives at Night," a film by Chuck W. Chapman.

This horror story starts out bloody enough...random killings, all bloody. Uh oh...the serial killer reaches out to a writer, Hal Warren (Chapman). The evil narcissist wants his story told and he picks a Stephen King wannabe to tell it. This isn't a blessing for Hal...but a bloody curse. The killer knows Hal's every move, and even worse, every move of his beautiful wife Barbara (Tammie Williams). One false move from Hal...and Barbara gets it. The fiend proves that he is now Hal's master and goes on a rapid killing spree. Hal then receives by email, films of photographs of the murders...and did I mention there are a lot of them.

Going to the police is absolutely out of the question, so Hal acts to protect his wife (as if he can). Waitresses, a priest, and hikers will fall. One guy will be cut into pieces, in a very gory scene. Now Hal is getting desperate. His ability to gain information about the identity of the killer seems ineffective. The killer stays ten steps ahead of Hal, and knows what is going on in Hal's life even before Hal does. But how? Taking a big and dangerous chance Hal secretly contacts the police...how do you think this will work out? As Hal grows more desperate, his twisted associate gets more tasked. The body count explodes as if this is an Andrea Merchak novel (Bloody Legends).

Does Hal have a prayer at identifying the killer and protecting his wife? Does the monster have any desire to eventually stop his rampage? May the fiend be closer to Hal than he realizes? Brutal and gratuitous, "He Drives at Night" is unrelenting. Many will die and the hopes of a happy ending seem remote. For a high powered horror story that shows no mercy, see Chuck W. Chapman's "He Drives at Night."

Literature Review: The Cat That Caught the Canary

We have dreams...hopes...ambitions...fantasies! Yep...and in a fairy tale world our family and friends are there to support and encourage us. Then there is reality. Our family and friends aren't as supportive as they claim to be. Nope...we are told to get back in line and be the person they expect you to be. Their way is safe...but not very satisfying. Sometimes you feel like exploding and sprinting to your dreams. As the old world and tradition tries to suffocate you, something just may give. Hence, a horrific tale of...well...something giving, Ann Fox' The Cat That Caught The Canary.

Her dreams are quashed. A traditional, old country Italian family in Brooklyn has no patience for her desire to be a great ballerina. Her widowed mom wears black all the time and mourns full time. Because of a horrific display of cruelty, the young girl has an experience that may be possession, or a bold escape from her miserable existence...or, well...you'll see. The 13 year old does escape and ends up at a mysterious, and quite prestigious theater company in New York. She's taken in and her ballet skills...oh yes, her ballet skills. Just how did she become the world's best ballerina practically overnight? With her newfound feline agility and inhuman aggression, nothing will stop her.

Now she is Pearl, still 13, but no one knows that. The mysterious troupe emerges as a weird, well, maybe 'cult' is the word. Ann Fox has created a setting that will put forth the same mood found in "Rosemary's Baby" or "The Sentinel." The spooky theater, now housing Pearl, has secrets...bloody secrets. All of its residents seem friendly and helpful, but also weird and perhaps cult-ish. However our protagonist (or she something else?) excels and manipulates her surroundings and colleagues, there is something horrific, ominous, and very blood looming.

Warning...the last several pages are among the most shocking and horrific ones you will ever read. Taboo...gory...and gratuitous in carnage and evil, Ann Fox' The Cat That Caught the Canary will affect you. Ballet, adolescence, and a dream...all mixed into a cauldron to pour a horror down your throat that will terrify and stun you. You may never read a novel with a more shocking ending, so beware. Kudos to Ann Fox...this, at very least, will be one of the most terrifying (there's that word again) novels you ever read...move over Ira Levin.
To purchase this work on Amazon click this link The Cat That Caught the Canary

The Killing Death, Herschell Gordon Lewis Pizza

Remember Detectives Stone and Keller from "The Streets of San Francisco"? Well, in 2008's "The Killing Death," we have the same dynamic...an old grizzled police detective matched up with a young, book-bright detective. This time, in a homage to Herschell Gordon Lewis, we have a horror/comedy instead of a 1970s police TV show. So get ready for severed body parts, weird homicides, and dark humor.

Uh oh...a psycho is on the loose. Two detectives, the veteran Frank (Jeremy Dangerfield) and young Jimmy (Tyhr Trubiak) respond to the scene of a butchered woman. The killer has also taken her foot...but why? Frank knows a killer has sprung up and won't retire until he is caught. The killings will continue as some nubile babes die similarly, and in each case a body part is absconded with. Even some guys will get it and in one disgusting murder scene...well...you'll see. As the investigation progresses Frank seems to unravel, losing touch with reality, leaving Jimmy as the brains behind the search for the killer.

As each murder scene plays on Frank's sanity, a college professor (Darren Felbel) provides some insight into the motives of the killer. The good professor is an expert on ancient Egypt and believes the psycho is satisfying some ancient rite involving cannibalism and renewal. So who is this fiend? You'll meet him...and he has issues. Still, Phil (Neil Reimer) stays under the radar with a perfect cover...he delivers pizza. Just like a vampire, he has a way of getting invited into the houses of his selected victims. As smart as he is, Frank's mental disintegration may be the biggest impediment to solving these ghastly crimes.

Limbs will be severed, eyes will be gouged, and colons...well...you'll see. Does young Jimmy have the know-how to take charge of this investigation and track down a psycho? Will Frank's mental breakdown allow the pizza guy to keep dissecting babes and almost-hunks? Just what does a pizza guy want with body parts? This is a fun one and fans of Herschell Gordon Lewis epics and also fans of "Police Squad" the TV show will have a lot of fun with this one. Directed by Ian Russell, "The Killing Death" has great acting, cheesy gore effects and cheesy pizza...watch it but not while your chomping down on a pepperoni pizza.

Literature Review: The Search For Alice

They are always with us...as toddlers...adolescents....and, yes...even as adults. Children's literature and Fairy tales! As we first learn to speak and comprehend, these tales are the first stories we hear. Our little selves learn good vs. bad from them...we learn morals...we learn hope and fear...and most of all we learn to allow our own imaginations to function. We try to throw them out in our teen years...after all, they are simplistic and ignorant of our own complicated lives. Without knowing, we let the logic (magic?) of those tales return and sort out our confusion and self-loathing, and propel us to adulthood. Remember Alice? As adults we finally get it...we were Alice! Hence Amy Koto's fairy tale of witches, vampires...and us, The Search For Alice.

She's an awkward high school gal, Kallie. Yep, home life is a mess, friends are superficial, and she is more comfortable with her cat than any human. A perfect candidate for being a cutter or anorexic. Amy Koto develops her so well and she is so familiar, as is her fate. But wait, her fate takes a weird turn when she is cast into an alternate reality (or is it a parallel universe...who knows?). Kallie ends up in a weird world much like Alice did in Lewis Carroll's epic. Scared and feeling the victim she meets an ominous figure who she will come to love...a vampire, Ches. Ches becomes her object of desire and affection and he adores her.

Not all is well...Queen Hartley desires to control Kallie and own her. Hartley abducts and imprisons Kallie for nefarious purposes and only Ches has the ability to rescue her...or so it seems. Kallie will be thrust into a demented game that will make her face her pathetic real life in a different light and also to force her to see her true self. Kallie's image of herself seemed accurate, we've all met Kallies. Now Kallie will have to eschew what she and the world has said she is and live up to her real self...the self that is waiting to be untapped. Her salvation depends on the realization that her doom is not inevitable...but she must fight a battle. As the adorable Ches and evil queen tug at her, Kallie will need to do some tugging of her own, and if successful, the rewards will be glorious, but failure will surely doom her.

When we were toddlers, fairy tales molded our brains to look for the good and seek it over evil. Cynicism and pessimism then invade our psyches and our own ability or desire to reach back to stories that once ignited our imagination. They become our elixir to do well for our world and put truth over a desire for self-ruination. Amy Koto's horror/fairy tale should inspire awkward teen age girls...but also speak to us adults. If that transition hasn't occurred yet, purging cynicism and self-hatred in favor of striving forward for good and self-hope...then take The Search For Alice as an instruction book, instead of a fairy tale..and fight the battle that unfolds in this tale.
To buy this book on Amazon, click this link The Search For Alice

Nefarious, Losers in Life's Lottery Never Win

We see it repeatedly in films and our lives. Yep, the losers in life's lottery (a seemingly permanent underclass) always lose. Sure...they can exhibit great planning and intelligence...but something interferes...they'll still lose. Karma? The Elite? A judgmental God? Hopeless they are...but they may keep trying. These poor souls, in the 2019 Richard Rowntree film "Nefarious," their chronic misfortune may get a bit more...well...nefarious.

Darren (Buck Braithwaite) is the two-timing BF of Lou (Nadia Lamin). These two losers are quite the pair...he can't keep a job and she may have a coke problem. On the other side of town dwells a couple of the top one-percenters. Marcus (Toby Wynn-Davies) is a meticulous man, living in a ritzy home, caring for his 'mentally-challenged' brother Clive (Gregory A. Smith). All of the above will have their lives thrown together when Darren, and his other GF Jo (Abbey Gillett) figure out Marcus and Clive may be sitting on a fortune in their safe. The three pull in the clueless and bong-addicted Mas (Omari Lake- Pottinger) for a very planned heist.

As Richard Rowntree introduces us to Lou, Darren, Mas, and Jo, we know good fortune will always escape them. Their repeated losing in life's lottery is no coincidence as the ability to work an honest day or make a rational game plan eludes them. On the other hand, we are touched when Mr. Rowntree introduces us to the caring and doting Marcus as he tends to the needs of Clive. So sweet. These two seem to be in for a rude awakening when the quartet of losers decide to break into their home. Ahhhh...but wait! Remember, this is a horror film. No spoilers here but what follows will have your jaw dropping and primed for a gore-fest. Oh yeah...remember the bong-addicted Mas...you will not believe his fate.

Just who are the real victims in this film? Will anything nefarious happen to the sweet, mentally-challenged Clive? Do the losers in life's lottery have a prayer at getting away with their hair-brained robbery? This film works well as a crime-thriller, but don't be fooled, by the end credits, there will be no doubt that you just watched a bloody horror film. With excellent acting and direction, "Nefarious" is a film you will want to see...and will be shocked by. For the losers in life's cruel lottery, watch this film and heed its warning.

Planet Raptor, Better than Jurassic Park

1993's "Jurassic Park" had a fatal flaw...it lacked a quality leading lady. Not 2007's "Planet Raptor," as co-starring with hunk Steven Bauer is the effervescent Vanessa Angel. For you women, this film has much beefcake with Steven Bauer as a Marine commander who grunts a lot and spits tobacco juice...oooh...nice! And for you guys, the cheesecake also gushes as we have Vanessa Angel as a scientist who solves complex problems and displays superior intellect...nice!

Okay a team of scientists headed by mad-scientist Tygon (Ted Raimi), and includes Anna (Angel) is beamed down to a planet. Also beamed down is a team of Marines to protect the science team, led by Mace (Bauer). The planet resembles a medieval English village and seems deserted. Uh oh...the inhabitants have all been eaten by a horde of raptors. Now the beasts begin picking off the scientists and Marines. As Mace grunts a lot and shoots his machine gun, Anna alluringly displays scientific knowledge and looks really good in her space-babe outfit. As the raptors close in, the humans find shelter (albeit temporary) in a medieval castle.

The one babe Marine, Jackie (Musetta Vander) finds a transmitter that may be a grenade...that may be a raptor killer...that may be a teleporter. Meanwhile, the radiant Anna begins to fall in love with the hunk Mace. As more Marines and scientists get eaten, Anna will pile on the allure, and Mace will pile on the grunting. Uh oh...it appears these suckers were sent to the planet so the military could gauge the raptors as a potential new battlefield weapon, and the humans beamed down are a sacrifice to that end. Now the surviving scientific and military team must work together to defeat the dinosaur menace, beam back to the ship, and inflict justice on their corrupt superiors...all the while Anna's radiance and allure shine brightly and Mace's machismo spits more tobacco juice.

Will Anna and Mace survive and find happiness? Will the raptors prove to be a mighty fighting force which may replace humans on the battlefield? Aren't a few human lives worth the sacrifice if our armed forces never have to see another battle? Not if it means ripping apart Vanessa Angel, it doesn't! "Planet Raptor," directed by Gary Jones, is a lot more fun than the annoying "Jurassic Park," and Vanessa Angel beats any actress in that Spielberg film...so do yourself a favor and watch "Planet Raptor."

Sharkenstein, Move Over Jaws...and Frankenstein

Mary Shelley's almost-classic, Frankenstein, has a flaw or two, at least according to most literary critics. Jean de Richeleau, the great Parisian book critic says it best, "For Frankenstein to have claimed the moniker of 'classic,' an aquatic element needed to be inserted to give Shelley's far-fetched hallucination, an air of inevitability" (Traite de Litterature, 1955). The Polonia brothers obviously agree and instead of sniping at the novel's flaws, they did something about it...hence 2016's "Sharkenstein."

Hitler's Third Reich...an ambitious bunch of lunatics. The Fuhrer sends the SS over to a mad-scientists lab to steal his experiments on implanting human brains in sharks. The war is lost and present day finds Nazi mad-scientist Klaus (Jeff Kirkendall) eager to pick up those experiments. He has created a hybrid great white, mako, hammerhead, and blue shark. He controls the monstrosity by electrodes put into its brain. The thing starts feeding on swimmers and boaters. As tourists begin disappearing in mass, Beach Patrol Officer Duke (Ken Van Sant) is on the case. Enter three tourists, two almost hunks, Coop (Titus Himmelberger), Skip (James Carolus), and babe Madge (Greta Volkova)...they intend to charter a boat and go for a little three-hour cruise.

Klaus gets ambitious and orders his creation to continue feeding on boaters and beach-goers. Uh oh, our tourist trio abandon their broken down boat and swim to a seemingly uninhabited island. Yep, you guessed it, Klaus' laboratory is on this island. As Klaus readies to put the brain and heart of the Frankenstein monster into his created shark, our beset trio can only watch helplessly as they are now the prisoners of an insaniac looking to bring back The Third Reich.

Will Harbor Patrol Officer Duke figure out what is befalling the boaters and swimmers in time to mount a rescue of  Madge, Coop, and Skip?  Does Klaus have Hitler's brain saved anywhere and does he intend to transplant that into a shark? If Hitler would have devoted more funds and energy into the shark/brain transplant experiments than he did to his rocket program...would we all be speaking German right now? Gritty realism pulled right out of today's headlines is a Polonia brothers staple, and that is certainly the case in "Sharkenstein." Avoid the junk mechanical shark in "Jaws," and avoid the pitfalls of Shelley's almost-classic, and enjoy a real masterpiece..."Sharkenstein."

Terror Circus, The Humiliation of Show Girls

However glamorous the life of a Las Vegas show-girl may be, there are also many drawbacks to that lifestyle. For example...snags in stockings...or bad hair days...or even worse, adoring fans attaching a mommy-complex to you. Hence our film today, 1974's drive-in classic, "Terror Circus." See what happens when an unstable rancher kidnaps three show-girls and whips (literally) them into shape to be a gratuitous circus act. Yep...a story you have been waiting for.

Simone (Manuela Thiess), Sheri (Sherry Alberoni), and Corrine (Gyl Roland) break down on a detour in the California desert. The trio of show-girls are headed to a Las Vegas casino where they have just been hired. Andre (Andrew Prine), an apparent good Samaritan stops to help. He charms the beauties and they catch a ride back to his place. His place? A ranch in the middle of the desert. Andre immediately chains the trio in his barn, and adding them to his collection of about a dozen other beauties. The other beauties have obviously been tortured and raped and the three newcomers will suffer the same fate. Andre terrorizes his captives and with his whip and chains he tames them to do circus acts. Uh oh...he also keeps a cougar and a really big snake. If the gals misbehave or show disobedience, he covers them in calf's blood and has the cougar chase them down.

Poor Corrine, her disobedience will earn her a bout with a large, probing snake. The gals seem to have no hope when Andre suddenly believes Simone is his mother...he's delusional, of course. Now Simone is brought into the farmhouse and dressed nicely, pampered, but still chained. As the other gals continue being tortured and raped, Andre's dad enters the plot..and guess what! He's a disfigured monster who likes to rip off people's heads. The H-bomb tests have filled him with radiation and now his skin has melted and his mind has gone. Uh oh again, he finds out there are babes in the barn and he is hungry...but for what?

Will our show-girls find a way to escape the demented circus master? Is this film shedding light on the perils of Las Vegas show-girls in an entertainment industry rife with misogyny? If this film was billed as a riveting warning to society on the perils of the escalating nuclear arms race, would we be living in a nuclear free world today? This is a grim one and as cheesy and exploitative as the film is the fate of many of the gals will be hard to watch. Not the feel good film of 1974, yet "Terror Circus" is still worth a look for all you B movie and drive-in fans.

The Ninth Passenger, Creatures From the Abyss Redux

Remember that low-budget Italian film set in Florida, "Creatures From the Abyss"? You can check out my review of it at this link ( Creatures From the Abyss ). Well 2018's "The Ninth Passenger" is a less endearing shot at the same plot. Like its predecessor, we have a lot of hunks and babes we desire to die horribly. We also have a stranded luxury yacht, a lot of bikinis and pre-marital sex, and hunks who are real stupid. Oh yes...creatures!!! Mustn't forget the mad-scientist created monsters!

As our film begins, Brady (Jesse Metcalfe) comes out of the surf. You ladies will love Brady...he hasn't shaved in 24 hours and his pecs will make you forget your current BF. Uh oh...did he just massacre the crew of some boat between Vancouver and Victoria? Maybe. Now we meet Jess (Alexia Fast), a babe who is quite annoying. Both her and Brady look like they have just endured personal tragedy. Unfortunately, Jess tells us hers...she witnessed children being poisoned by the fumes of melting whales...Yawn!!! Jess' bestie, Nicole (Cinta Laura Kiehl) is a skank that gets the duo invited on a luxury yacht with guys who want a lot of pre-marital sex.

On the yacht we meet Tina (Sabina Gadecki)...a skank in a tight and short party dress and heels who will do battle with monsters and horny guys through the entire film. She is the only one we like. Wait...Brady sneaks aboard the yacht and goes through the computer files and finds a mutant embryo. The yacht takes off and gets stranded near an island where a mad-scientist's lab has been wiped out by mutant creations...now the mutant sea creatures start focusing on the hunks and babes. As Jess annoys everyone, and Brady's pecs impress everyone, the creatures start picking them off one by one. Hopefully they will get the possibly virgin Jess before we hear more of her melting whales story. But will the serious looking Brady and his pecs survive?

Sound bad? Well, the worse part is you will never forget Jess' story about the melting whales ...seriously.  Just who does the yacht belong to and who ran that genetics laboratory on the thought-to-be deserted island? Will any of the amorous hunks even think about pre-marital sex with the uber-annoying Jess?  Even though she is set up to be the 'final-girl,' is there a hope Jess will get ripped apart by the mutant creatures? The movie has merit, remember, there is beauty in the swamp if you look in the right places. First...there is hope all the characters will die horribly. Second, Ms. Gadecki's portrayal of skank Tina gives us someone to cheer for...alas, you can probably guess her fate. For a nostalgic homage to "Creatures From the Abyss," see "The Ninth Passenger."

Devil's Possessed, Evil Baron and the Blood of Maidens

Why don't we have alchemists anymore? Those peppy mystics who conjured up magical potions and turned rats into gold. I miss them...as I know you do. Replaced by Scientologists and boring Episcopalians, alchemists have gone the way of elevator operators. Hence 1974's "Devil's Possessed," a neat Paul Naschy horror film from Spain. What happens when an alchemist prescribes the blood of nubile maidens for a potion of world domination? Okay, that's an easy one.

Baron Gilles de Lancre (Naschy) is sad...the king is ignoring him. The war hero of yesterday is turned down for a loan by the King of France. Enter Lancre's sultry wife, Georgelle (Norma Sebre). She has a brilliant idea...call in an alchemist to do a magical rite that will enable Lancre to be master of the world. We've all done it, but sometimes it takes a beautiful wife to prod us. Okay, the alchemist is on board and Lancre is eager to get the ball rolling. Step one: Abduct beautiful maidens, rape the snot out of them...and let Georgelle torture them to death. Georgelle is eagerly on board...imagine that.

As Lancre and Georgelle go through nubile maidens like crap through a goose, Gaston (Guillermo Bredeston) returns after four years in an English prison. The once right hand man of Lancre, Gaston is now his rival...and the only man who poses a threat to Lancre's rule. As Lancre raises taxes, rapes maidens, and tortures citizens thinking of rebellion, Gaston hooks up with the resistance. What luck, a high ranking rebel in the resistance is Graciela (Graciela Nilson). The Barbara Crampton look-a-like is also Gaston's lover. Together they plan to invade Lancre's castle and overthrow the tyrant. Uh oh, Lancre moves first and abducts Graciela. Now Gaston must not only overthrow Lancre, but rescue Graciela before...well...you know.

What does Lancre have planned for Graciela, or more importantly, what does Georgelle have planned for Graciela? If Lancre termed his tax increases as an "investment in France's future," would the peasants have revolted? Who is having more fun with the nubile maidens, Lancre or Georgelle? This is a gratuitous one with much torture and swordplay. For some neat medieval carnage and swashbuckling, see "Devil's Possessed."

Panic, Mad-Scientist Runs Amok

It happens. It's happened in your homes and it happens in government labs. Yep...contagion procedures fail and contamination spreads through the lab. Maybe, if we're lucky we can cover it up and government regulators or health departments never find out about it. In our film today, 1982's "Panic," this lab won't be so fortunate. In an Italian film, set in England, contamination may mean the end.

A lab accident causes Professor Adams (Roberto Ricci) to be contaminated by a contagion that turns him into a slimy monster and causes him to ooze green fluid and kill everyone he meets. His lab assistant, Jane (Janet Agren), is very pretty and desires to save all of mankind...unfortunately, she is useless to the plot other than getting in everyone's way. The heavy hitters are sent in as as Adams, now a fiend, has escaped into a town called Newton and begins killing, mostly nubile babes. Captain Kirk (David Warback)...really!...arrives to clean up the mess...and find and kill Adams. Jane wants to save him and since she is real pretty, no one tells her to go away, though she will be ignored.

Scotland Yard sends in Sgt. O'Brien to assist Captain Kirk...Mr. Spock was busy. The two of them comb Newton as Adams goes through Newton's hunks and babes like crap through a goose. Uh oh...the British government can't afford Adams to reach major population areas and dispatch an air force bomber to level the town. The British army is also sent to quarantine the town. As the bomber nears Newton, Jane continues to look real pretty and offers nothing to the plot. Kirk and O'Brien, however, follow the the trail of mangled townsfolk and get closer to the the fiend who has sought refuge in the gassy sewers under the streets. Double uh-oh, bullets have little effectiveness on the monster.

Like irrelevant crew members who beam down to planets with Captain Kirk, will Jane die horribly? Will the Royal Air Force really nuke Newton? Is Newton being nuked because they are heavily Labour in a Tory dominated England? This is a fun one and the fiend is very menacing looking as he kills everyone in his path. For conspiracy theorists and English Tories, enjoy "Panic" and find out if the monster or a British town get leveled. 

Blood Feast, Cooking the Babes

Edgar Allan Poe once said, "The best subject for a story is a beautiful woman, cut into little pieces, and pieces of her cooked for dinner." Okay, that's not quite the quote...but it was something like that. Herschell Gordon Lewis may have said something like that when he made 1963's "Blood Feast," our feature today. In this film, there will be a lot of sultry actresses, losing their innards as they are served up in a...well...blood feast.

Ramses (Mal Arnold) is a reincarnation of an ancient Egyptian diety...now he runs a catering business in Miami. He seeks to bring back the goddess Ishtar, his lover. To do that he needs to put on the Feast of Ishtar. This feast must be made up of the innards of beautiful young women. Pat (Sandra Sinclair), after stripping out of her clothes and getting into a bath (there's a lot of this type of stuff in this film), is cut up by Ramses...and her leg is stolen. The cops are onto it as the nubile Pat is the seventh such victim. Uh oh, Mrs. Fremont (Lyn Bolton) hires Ramses to cater a dinner for her sultry daughter Suzette (Connie Mason). Ramses gets busy finding nubile babes in states of undress and rips their tongues out...their brains out...their eyes...okay, you get the picture.

As sultry and tanned babes fall to Ramses machete, he brings their parts back to his secret sacrificial chamber. Uh oh, he kidnaps Suzette's BF, Trudy (Christy Foushee). This beauty will be stripped and whipped to death in front of an idol of Ramses' beloved goddess. As the night of Suzette's celebration dinner approaches and more beauties are ripped apart, the slow moving Detective Pete Thornton (William Kerwin) finally begins to put clues together. As the doll Suzette gets even more dolled up, Ramses has special plans for her...and Detective Pete falls in love with her. A bloody ending awaits and body parts will be strewn all over the screen.

Will the ravishing Suzette maintain all her internal organs and limbs? Will Ramses find his final sacrifice in order to bring Ishtar back to life? Is this what Edgar Allan Poe had in mind in his quote about babes? The gore flies right at you in this Herschell Gordon Lewis classic. For some of the best looking actresses ever assembled for a film (albeit, they'll die horribly), see "Blood Feast."

Teenage Slumber Party Nightmare, Justifiable Homicide

Wait! Damn auto-correct...changed my words to "Justifiable Homicide." I, of course, didn't mean to say that the teenage gals in this film needed to be killed...or that the character of Marlo (Lauren Richardson) needed to be cut into a lot of pieces and cooked...I would never say that, no matter how annoying the teenage girls are in a film. I of course would never side with the psycho over silly teenage girls...nope, not me. Hence 2014's "Teenage Slumber Party Nightmare." Mental note to self: Fix those words that auto-correct changed.

Okay...it is so unreal. This dialog must be an ad-lib exercise. Four sixteen year old maybe virgins are whining and cooing about boys and sex. They decide to have a slumber party but not before Casey (Martha Staus) goes to meet a secret admirer behind the school. She, of course, ends up meeting psycho classmate Kort (Kirk Munaweera)...and he mercifully kills her. Wait! There's that auto-correct again...I didn't mean to imply Casey deserved to be murdered. Let's continue, Jamie the virgin (Kaitlyn Yurkiw) brings Marlo the virgin and Trish the not-so-virgin home for a slumber party. They talk about boys and sex and Marlo (wearing purple tinged hair very smartly) speaks. Egad! Does she have major congestion problems?

Making fun of a B movie actress? You might be saying 'that's not like Zisi.' Just wait. Kort follows them home and murders the pizza guy. Kort has a power drill and intends to use it on the trio of maybe-virgins. Then something happens midway through the film...Marlo! We do a complete 180 and now Marlo's unusual speaking efforts are...well....endearing. Oh no, Kort is out there and ready to invade the house and drill out the brains of the maybe-virgins. Now we, the audience, are panicked. This Marlo chick has grown on us and we pray for her to survive...and maybe become the central protagonist in a series of graphic novels. This is not Kort's plan and he takes the drill, enters the abode and...well...you'll see.

Oh please...let Marlo survive! That will be your chant, too. Just what is it with Marlo's manner of communicating that, at first, repels us, and then seduces us? Does Cosmopolitan magazine teach speech impediments and nasal congestion as a means of seduction? Is this film a complicated metaphor for the hopelessness and dysfunction of teenagers in North America? Directed by Richard Moss, "Teenage Slumber Party Nightmare" is an unusual film that will manipulate you in weird ways. Kudos to the actresses here as you will be impressed by their efforts, eventually. 

Walk of the Dead, SHOCK NOTICE

Spanish horror fans will applaud today's selection, 1973's "Walk of the Dead" (aka "Vengeance of the Zombies"). {{SHOCK NOTICE}} Paul Naschy, the most famous horror actor from Spain gives a performance comprising of {{SHOCK NOTICE}} three roles, including {{SHOCK NOTICE}} Satan! Okay, you ask what is with the {{SHOCK NOTICE}} warnings? Well, in this shocker, whenever a really scary scene is about to unfold, we hear one of those old car horns (Ah-Oooooooh-Ga!) as the words "Shock Notice" appear on the screen. Yes...you have been warned.

Okay, a Swami (or whatever you call them) appears in London, Krishna (Naschy). Not too coincidentally {{SHOCK NOTICE}} sultry female corpses are resurrected into homicidal zombies. As two grave robbers are offed by a recently beautiful babe, Elvira (Romy) sleeps in a see through negligee in her mansion. {{SHOCK NOTICE}} Evil incantations are recited by Krishna and now the babe zombie heads over to Elvira's estate where a masked man awaits. As the dead babe attacks the negligee-clad Elvira in bed, a masked man {{SHOCK NOTICE}} axes Elvira's servant and hangs her dad. Barely escaping, the nubile Elvira runs to her spiritual adviser, Krishna, whom she loves. He comes up with a brilliant idea, and {{SHOCK NOTICE}} she bites...get some rest at his country estate.

Get this {{SHOCK NOTICE}} Krishna's country estate is the site of many mass murders and is haunted. At the estate, Krishna continues his boring philosophizing and Elvira makes his babe-servant, Kala (Mirta Miller) jealous. Meanwhile, more Londoners are {{SHOCK NOTICE}} gutted and decapitated by babe zombies and the nubile but chronically unfaithful Olivia (Aurora de Alba) is knifed while having extra-marital sex and turned into another babe-zombie. Now it is apparent that {{SHOCK NOTICE}} Elvira is needed by Krishna to fulfill some Voodoo rite that will make Krishna a god and separate Elvira {{SHOCK NOTICE}} from her blood.

There is a lot of Romy running around in a see-through negligee action as she flees undead babes. {{SHOCK NOTICE}} Nudity and gore rule this weird tale of Voodoo and Indian culture in this shocker. Will the nubile Elvira and the sexy Kala engage in a cat-fight among the living? Will Elvira be turned into a babe-zombie? Will the Voodoo community be offended that their sacred rites have been culturally appropriated by Spanish filmmakers? Gratuitous and blood soaked, "Walk of the Dead" will please you horror fans and if you have never seen a Paul Naschy film, catch this one.

Replikator, Lisa Howard's Magnum Opus

Lisa Howard is a stunning actress best known for her portrayal of a sultry doctor in the TV show "Highlander." In that show, this beauty had a torrid love relationship with the immortal Scot...every woman's fantasy. She also has a big role in today's film, 1994's "Replikator." She is in this film quite a bit even though her character, Lena, has no significance in it. Lisa Howard is very pretty so we don't mind that the camera is on her a lot even though she has no importance to the story. An hour after the end of this film the only thing you might remember about "Replikator" is Lisa Howard looked really great in a leather jacket.

Where were we? Ah yes...Lisa Howard...well, never mind her. Ludo (Michael St. Gerard) is an ex-con who has created a duplicator machine. In other words, you put anything in one end, and two come out the other side. But will this work on humans? Ludo is ready to try. Bad news, the evil Scott (Ron Lea) heads an evil corporation inventing the same thing. Scott has co-opted two of Ludo's darlings, Kathy (Brigitte Bako) and Lena (Howard). The two beauties came to work for Scott when Ludo was framed and was sent up river for two years. As the government (oh yes, this story takes place in 2014 and the government is evil...okay...no jokes here) tries to rub out Ludo causing him to accidentally go through the duplicator.

Now there are two Ludos...the original and the evil clone. Again, Ludo is framed and sent up river while the new Ludo slices up the world's most famous stripper (Ilona Staller)...er, exotic dancer, I mean. As the evil Ludo suffers an inferiority complex because he isn't the original, he makes a move to take over Scott's company putting both aforementioned damsels in mortal danger. Lena will look very concerned wearing a smart leather jacket. The good  Ludo is sprung from jail by a sympathetic cop (Ned Beatty). Now Ludo must find and go to war with his evil duplicate.

Enough of the plot. This 96 minute film could have been cut to 71 minutes, but 25 minutes of Lisa Howard...no matter how irrelevant...is better than two hours of that new "Captain Marvel" ninny. For a wild, ambitious, gratuitous, and cerebral science fiction tale...with Lisa Howard in a leather jacket...see "Replikator," directed by Philip Jackson.

Frankenstein Vs. The Creature From Blood Cove, Monster War

All you fans of the classic Universal horror films often asked who would win a match between Frankenstein (the monster) and Dracula. In this 2005 William Winckler creation "Frankenstein vs. The Creature From Blood Cove," we have ringside seats to the preliminary match in which the Frankenstein creation squares off against the Creature From the Black Lagoon. Low-budget and campy, this film pays homage to many of the old Universal classics. With the gore and gratuitous scenes those films lacked, and a wink of the eye, this B movie will surely please all you classic monster fans.

Oh no! It escaped. The gill-man creation of a trio of mad scientists. After a pursuit, the creature flees into the sea. Dr. Lazaroff (G. Larry Butler) assures his sultry colleague Dr. Ula Foranti (Alison Lees-Taylor) and his trusty, scar-faced Salisbury (Rich Knight) that the thing will die soon...it won't. Plan B is enacted and the trio descend into Shellvania to search for Frankenstein's creation. After werewolf attacks, they find the thing, resurrect it, and bring it back to the U.S.

Meanwhile, Bill (William Winckler) is photographing bikini models at Blood Cove. His assistants Dezzirae (Dezzirae Ascalon) and Perry (Gary Canavello) are along. On cue, from the surf the gill-man falls in love. As some very gratuitous bikini model scenes are interrupted, the gill-man scares away model Gabrielle (Tera Cooley) and then shreds Beula (Carla Harvey). Now the fiend chases Bill and his pals and they seek refuge in a nearby mansion. Uh oh...this is where Lazaroff and Foranti are experimenting with the Frankenstein monster. Let no opportunity pass! Foranti imprisons this trio and Lazaroff sends Frankenstein out to destroy the gill-man. These monsters will square off in bloody conflict. Uh oh...not only did Frankenstein come back to life...so did his hormones. This is bad news for Lazaroff as his fiendish plot for the monster has no room for his libido. Now seeking a bride, Frankenstein grows unresponsive to Lazaroff's orders. Strippers and Dezzirae beware...the god-forsaken thing wants a mate!  Frankenstein's libido leads to many gratuitous scenes including one elongated number featuring the famous stripper Selena Silver! Uh oh...the gill-man is still in the picture, and he may want a plaything, as well.

What is Lazaroff's horrifying plan for Frankenstein? Will Frankenstein find his love companion that has eluded him through centuries? Will Dezzirae, Ula, California's bikini models, and Selena the stripper hold onto their chastity...okay bad word...dignity among this monster rampage? Ghosts and a werewolf will also play heavy on this ambitious plot. For low-budget campy monster fun, William Winckler delivers nicely with "Frankenstein vs. The Creature From Blood Cove."