Bikini Nuns, The Church's Answer to Charlie's Angels

Chrissie Wunna just turned in her Magnum Opus in "Crocs!" How does she follow that up?  Well, with a role that that was made for her.  Made by the Lutherans (not really), we have an ages old tale of nuns with great big...smiles...who seduce and murder.  Yeah, there is a plot.  A plot that seems to interfere with this movie's desire to...well...add to that offering plate.  Big...smiles...will abound, and seduction will be squirted like rancid holy water!  Our feature today is "Bikini Nuns," directed by Sushank Kini.

Okay, back in 1992 there was an orphanage massacre that wiped out so many children.  Three little girls survived and became nuns.  They are grown up and fully...inspired.  Now nuns, Mary (Wunna) and her great big...ambition, leads the trio.  There is also the vixen Sarah (Anna Rakhvalova), and the Kate Jackson of the group, Eva (Clara Legallais-Moha).  Under the guidance of the weird priest, Father Grey (Christopher Kouros), the trio go out and search for all responsible for that massacre.  Once found, the babes...er, nuns, will seduce them and shoot them.  In habits, but never for long, the gals grab machineguns, pistols, and other deadly weapons and set out for vengeance.  Now, this is all about a third of the story.  Most of the story is our three babes...sisters, most notably Mary, looking at themselves in the mirror, feeling themselves up, giving themselves tender cleavage buffs, applying cosmetics, and admiring their naked selves.

Now, the hussies...er, sisters, give us quite an exhibition of shiny and supportive undergarments.  Their b..., er smiles, are always highlighted.  Their actions are always similar.  Throw on a habit, much to their annoyance...find the bad guy...seduce him...peel off the habit...pull a gun....demand answers to questions... and then murder the bloke way before he has a chance to answer questions.  They then return to the convent, strip out of the habit, feel themselves up, apply more tender cleavage buffs, and admire themselves in the mirror.  Then do it all again.  The bras are all shiny and garters are prevalent.  Okay, back to a deeper message.  The gals get more violent and further away from innocence with each killing. 

Biting reality from a story ripped right out of the headlines, this film captures a story that demanded to be told.  Will there be a catfight between the vicious nuns?  Will there be a shower scene that includes these ladies?  Will there be one of those nuns undercover in a strip joint scene?  With an almost identical plot to the Anthony Hopkins movie "Shadowlands," "Bikini Nuns" has more cheese and prurience.  After all, who do you want to see in a movie, Chrissie Wunna or Debra Winger? 

  

Schizo, Euro-Babes in Peril

This one is almost Giallo, though made in England and not Italy. Still we have Euro-Babes doing naughty things and in great peril. In fairness, it might be other Euro-Babes that are the cause of the peril...might. Big knives, throats slit, needles through heads, impalements, more big knives, and a lot of blood. There will be screaming and hunks that never really know what is going on...typical men.  Our feature today is 1976's "Schizo," directed by Pete Walker.

Sam (Lynne Frederick) is a 21-year-old figure skater...quite a dish. Here's a clue...not her fiancé Alan (John Layton) or bestie Beth (Stephanie Beacham) know much about her. Nevertheless, Sam is a babe and Alan marries her. Okay, so this is the backstory that we are given. When Sam was six, she heard William (Jack Watson) upstairs banging her mom. Sam wandered up there and saw this strange guy stabbing her mom to death. 15 years later, Sam is marrying Alan and Jack is paroled and now stalks Sam...with a knife. Jack stalks and terrorizes Sam, or so that is what we see. He'll do this at the wedding, and Sam does not want to tell anyone about it. Sam goes to her bestie's BF Leonard (John Fraser) and tells him. Leonard is a psychiatrist and notices something odd about Sam...he'll be stabbed in the back of the head soon after.

Now Sam insists this William is back and terrorizing her.  Finally Alan and Beth know about her past.  William gets bolder even sneaking into Sam and Alan's house.  Now it gets weirder as Sam goes to visit a psychic club and what happens there is really creepy.  It'll get creepy for the psychic as she will be bludgeoned to death after the seance. Bodies are piling up and Sam is screaming more and yelling at everyone that William has come back to murder her. See where this is going?  Where this is going will be very twisted and sordid...and quite bloody.  Sam gets to be annoying but we do like the perky Beth, probably because she is so pretty and not nearly as annoying and narcissistic as Sam.

Is William the killer?  What did happen to Sam's mom 15 years ago?  Are all sultry babes totally insane? The cheese factor is terrific.  The hunk factor is terrific.  Jack Watson does a great job as a maybe-slasher.  Blood, screams, nudity, and Euro-Babes in peril is enough to make this film a worthwhile watch.  Also, Stephanie Beacham is in it!  See "Schizo," and enjoy Lynne Frederick and Stephanie Beacham turning in quite sexy performances. 

Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan, Zombie in the Woods

Yep...straight to VHS Troma fare! Hey, it beats "Barry Lyndon," or "Ordinary People." Ambitious as far as a plot, which we will discuss in brief.  Also, this may be the best film ever to be shot in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Loads of babes and hunks misbehaving to Rock & Roll, engaging in pre-marital sex, and generally just being annoying. Let us delve into this mad-scientist/voodoo/zombie film from 1991, "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan," directed by Randall Dininni.

Let us begin with Diana (BJ Moyer). Babe...she'll spend the entire movie screaming in fear, crying, and having nightmares. Quite the babe, but we do get tired of her. Her BF, Bradley (Joseph Miller) is a hunk who deserves a medal for putting up with her. Harry (Thomas E. Blair) is a mad scientist who creates a hungan. Hungan (David A. Yoakam)? Yep, a zombie resurrected by voodoo serum, only this zombie is put together with parts of different bodies. Thus Harry is also a grave robber. The zombie is animated in Harry's lab and murders two doctors, a janitor, two nurses, a security guard, and gets out. Now it uses its clawed hand to wipe faces off its victims or disemboweling them. Bradley and Diana will join a lot of friends, but she will keep screaming and having nightmares, anyway.

Tom (also played by Yoakam) and Karen (Barbara Tutolo) organize a rock concert for everyone and then arrange this camping trip. Oh, Angie (Rocet Singer)! Very hot! The hottest dame in this film. She wakes up in bed, clad in lingerie, with total strangers...she will be on the camping trip. You know who else, or what else will be on the camping trip? Yep! The hungan. We like the hungan...he seems so appropriate for this film. He growls, roars, wipes the faces of hunks and babes, and does that a lot. The kill count will be enormous.  Diana will continue to scream, though at the campsite she will have something to scream about. Angie?  need you ask...so sad.

Will anyone survive this camping trip?  Why isn't the hungan a household word and Jason and Michael Myers are?  Can we get someone to create a whole series of sequels centering on the romances and perils of Angie? Sadly, this was Rocet Singer's only film...though she may have moved on to be a lingerie model. See "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan" and just enjoy this Troma film for the fun film it is.

Rise of the Ghosts, Evil Nurse Shreds Coeds

From Canada we have a horror film devoid of humor, wit, or anything else that will provide a diversion to the ominousness and darkness that is thrown at us.  The film was made by Sv Bell, who was one of my first Twitter (now X) buddies.  In 2013 when I joined the medium to post reviews, he was my first moviemaker follower. He has been gone from the medium ever since, but I found one of his films!  Today we take a look at the grim "Rise of the Ghosts" from 2007.

Many years ago an evil nurse (Melantha Blackthorne) murdered a whole bunch of girls at an all girls school.  She tortured them, cut them up, made them do lewd sex acts on one another, and kept their souls. Sure, a metaphor for so-called higher education here in the States, today. Sarah (Christine Ghawi) is a babe who's sister Veronica (Alison Louder) was murdered by the nurse. Now Sarah wants to break into the school and free all the souls which are still in captive in the basement. To do this she relies on four friends, all useless, except for Jared (Robert Araujo)...who is a hunk. She and Jared, joined by bestie Liz (Kimberley Dawn Hugman) and her pal Jessica (Magenta Baribeau) go seek the assistance of paranormal idiot Ethan (Joseph Taylor). Ethan is an expert on the old school and the evil nurse who dwells there.  More important, he has a hot sister, Carol (Suzi Lorraine) who will join them.

Okay, do the names of these stars sound like stripper names? The newly formed gang follow the inept Ethan into the house and are immediately preyed upon by ghosts of the murdered girls, which are under the control of the nurse. The nurse appears and she is evil.  Her fingers are pointy syringes filled with something. Sarah and Veronica's backstory is revealed and it is relevant, you'll see.  One by one the ghosts get the team members. Sadly, the demise of Carol is extra gory...ick.  Veronica as a ghost is able to give Sarah a hint on what she needs to do.  Not being at all bright, Sarah is slow on the uptake.  More gory carnage results.

Will Sarah emerge from the haunted and condemned school building...alive?  Will someone give Ethan the best selling book Paranormal Investigations for Dummies?  Will Sarah be able to free the captured souls of the coeds, or will she become one of them?  Grim, and gory, all the way, see "Rise of the Ghosts," and check out more of Sv Bell's films.

Seance, Dorm Hauntings

Many say "The Exorcist" is one of the greatest horror films of all time.  The William Peter Blatty novel was equally, if not more, scary. Evil spirits...or the devil himself going ape with possession and carnage. So, here we are.  How do you spice up a tired plot, with predictable characters, and standard tropes? Exactly!  Make it a remake of "The Exorcist."  Except an adolescent Linda Blair is substituted by college babes doing pre-marital sex, and befriending entities they should have left alone.  When this film is done, you will see the parallels to the 1973 classic.  Our feature today is 2006's "Seance," directed by  Mark L. Smith. 

Many years ago, little girl Cara (Bridget Shergalis) is murdered by Spence (Adrian Paul) the maintenance guy in her building. Present day, that building serves as a college dorm. Thanksgiving is here and the dorm empties out except for three nubile college babes and two college hunks. Latin hunk Diego (A.J. Lamas) is banging sultry blonde Alison (Chauntal Lewis). The two nymphos are joined by roomies Lauren (Kandis Fay) and Melina (Tori White)...both major league babes. The three babes share a room that is haunted by benign ghost Cara.  All good, right? Just wait.  Also staying over Thanksgiving is Grant (Joel Geist). He's dashing, and Lauren is hot for him, even though he's on a dozen different psyche meds. Oh! Diego? A parapsychology major. Yep, Diego is not a good student and leads a seance to talk with Cara.  As you probably can tell...this won't go swimmingly.

The seance brings back the evil Spence.  Now the malicious maintenance guy, who was fried in the electric chair in 1975, has a new lease on life.  I'm debating whether to talk about the parrot...Nah! Spence resumes his homicidal activities.  Diego and Alison decide to have pre-marital sex and Spence joins in, you'll see...but this won't go well for Alison. With Alison now missing, you will just love what happens to her soon, all the others search for her. The surviving babes and hunks figure out Spence is back and rely on Diego's knowledge to do another seance and try to trap Spence. Alas, Diego is a C minus student and what he does is such a bad idea, we just wait for the carnage that follows. It is such a bad idea, some of you may begin pulling for Spence.  The babe-factor is impressive, and so is the hunk factor. Sadly, no one is too beautiful to die horribly in this film.

Will the babes and hunks get a clue and figure out seances are not a good idea?  Just how bad was Diego's idea?  Here is a clue...think poultry.  Just what does Spence do to the naked and aroused Alison?  Sound mediocre?  Perhaps...but when you figure out this is just an unambitious remake of "The Exorcist," and a far better film than the Richard Burton disaster "Exorcist II: The Heretic," you may enjoy "Seance."  

He Never Left, Vacancy Meets Halloween

For those of you who like their horror brutal and nightmarish, here's one for you.  A seedy no-tell motel harboring dark secrets is the setting.  A masked slasher with a really big knife.  Guests who need atonement.  You ever notice in these films that atonement is always given in gory fashion?  Our feature today is "He Never Left," directed by James Morris.

Gabe (Colin Cunningham) is on the run.  A three-time loser, at least, has the US Marshals after him.  He's wanted for murdering a 17-year-old boy. Gaben in a piece of work...he himself is a cold blooded killer with a short fuse. He needs help and the only soft-heart he can find is a former GF, the pretty redhead Carly (Jessica Staples)...she is also a piece of work, you'll see.  She smuggles him into a room at the Skyline Motel run by Bryce (David E. McMahon). He's too creepy and has a tendency to care too much about his guests. Carly secures Gabe in the room and goes off to get food.  Gabe needs to keep quiet and not turn the lights on.  Uh oh.  As Gabe keeps quiet he hears the women in the room next door being brutally murdered. Like, what is he going to do...call the cops?

Carly comes back and finds Gabe in a panic.  When she finds out that Gabe did not help a woman being attacked, she leaves him high and dry.  She is done with Gabe for good now!  Leaving Gabe to his own devices, Carly goes back to her putrid life but the Skyline Hotel is kind of like the Hotel California.  The real horror is about to follow Carly home.  Gabe?  Yep...the sins of his past will be addressed as the ghost of his 17-year-old victim beckons.  Who else beckons?  Pale Face (William McAllister), a killer who left the scene nearly 20 years ago who was responsible for lots of murders.  he's back and seems to have free reign of the motel.

There is a lot more but the last 40 minutes of this film, if described here, would give too much away.  Fear not, the blood will flow freely, many will die horribly, and the secret of the Skyline Motel will be revealed. Don't get too close to anyone in this film...they are all terribly flawed. For a great masked slasher film, see "He Never Left." 

Fortune Cookie, Final Destination Mandarin Style

Okay, I was going to say this film is "Final Destination" lite.  Never mind that.  I just tabulated the kill count and wow! We have hunks and babes...many will die so horribly in very twisted and impaling ways. The culprit? Right, fortune cookies.  Oh, guess what!  The detective in this one is...Dina Meyer!  Yes, the babe from the shower scene in "Starship Troopers."  Okay, I admit her role could have been deeper, but it is Dina Meyer, so we are happy.  A lot happier than the babes and hunks who will lose their heads or have their faces fried off.  Today we look at 2016's "Fortune Cookie," directed by Rob Pallatina, and made by The Asylum.

Major league babe Isabella (Morgan Obenreder) is opening a Chinese restaurant.  She's serious about culturally appropriating a once proud culture...worry not you woke leftists, she will pay dearly. On the eve of her first taste testing in front of food critic Bryce (Ryan Merriman), she and her main squeeze, Josh (Brent Lydic) and five more friends go eat at another Chinese restaurant.  A good amount of disrespect is shown to the Chinese staff at the place and as a result, some evil fortune cookies are served. The diners get fortunes that will eventually tell them how they will die. Seconds later, babe Bree (Roxy Sowlaty) chokes on a lotus leaf and dies after a gory tracheotomy.  Her fortune simply said, "Lotus." Danny (Anthony Ma), a Chinese guy, an hour later has vicious sex with Bree's lesbian lover, Kelly (Kaitlyn McIvor)...and she will die from a bee that gets in between her contact lens and her eyeball...hate when that happens.

Yep...one by one, weird and gory deaths befall the friends. We are not happy when the babe Claire (Ashley Doris) gets it in a gratuitous nude bath scene with cucumbers...don't ask.  Danny's grandfather (James Hong) offers guidance to the group on how to rid themselves of the curse.  Sadly, getting all these selfish cultural appropriators on the same sheet of music is nearly impossible. Enter Detective Emma Hoskins (Meyer).  She is useless, but knows what is going on.  Swords will impale, deep fried grease will melt faces off, wrecking balls will decapitate, and sawed off shotguns will do what shotguns do. Oh, wait, sawed off shotguns don't kill people...people do...or, I should say ancient Chinese secrets kill people.  Anyone remember the Calgon commercial?

Will Dina Meyer have a similar shower scene as she did in "Starship Troopers"?  Cucumbers in a bath scene with a nude babe?  Will any of the hunks or babes have enough guts to order the #69?  "Fortune Cookie" is a gory affair with an astronomical death count.  Also, Dina Meyer is is in it.  So, order in this Friday night, eat the chow mein with chopsticks, avoid cracking open the fortune cookies, and watch "Fortune Cookie."