Centipede Horror, A Yuck-Fest From Hong Kong

Leave it to Asian horror to come up with the most disgusting ways to die. At or near the top of the list is having centipedes explode out of your body and then, once outside, eat you. Think of it...you cough...a few centipedes explode out of your mouth...you vomit...same result. All those sores on your flesh which the doctors can't figure out...also exit portals for our 100 legged friends. Today, from Hong Kong...1982's "Centipede Horror" (aka "Wu Gong Zhou").

The very pretty Kay and Amy vacation in southeast Asia. Neither of these nubile women will stay pretty, as they are attacked by thousands of centipedes. Amy will die immediately, but Kay will hang on until her brother makes it to the hospital. As Pak (Mui Kui Wai) visits his ailing sister, she dies as hordes of centipedes crawl out of her wounds. Doctors are baffled...nothing new there...but Pak is told his sister fell victim to an evil curse. Pak is joined by the beautiful Chee (Margaret A. Li) and the two find out that Pak's grandfather did something unspeakable 50 years ago, hence a curse was put on his family.

Now Chee and Pak must figure out a way to fight and end the curse. Meanwhile, our duo find a priest who just may be able to help him. As they meet him, he is in the midst of an exorcism which will have two ghost children assist the priest in saving a nubile unfortunate. The priest will be successful as the babe vomits loads of scorpions...what a story she'll have to tell.  Beware, the evil priest responsible for the curse is cunning and will try to wipe out Pak through Chee. As the beautiful Chee is possessed by the evil priest and millions of centipedes converge on Pak, it all looks hopeless.  The pretty Chee is now controlled by centipedes living inside her head (literally), and Pak won't be able to resist her seductive signals.

Will our dueling priests settle this before Pak has to act with a giant can of Raid? Will Chee and Pak's first go at pre-marital sex end in a shower of centipedes? Is a shower of centipedes a fetish for Asian businessmen?  This is an icky one and you'll be feeling bugs crawling all over you long after the end credits roll. I hope the actresses were paid well for their efforts in this film because there are a lot of crawling centipedes spit out of their mouths. For a true Asian ick-fest, see "Centipede Horror," directed by Keith Li. 

Swap, Erotic Vampire Tale

In the style of Jean Rollin, and the Euro-Trash subgenre, we have a uber-erotic vampire film today.  Sure, the story is not anything surprising.  The twists are predictable.  The scares are mediocre.  However, first and foremost...this is an exercise in eroticism...the toothy kind.  This movie is all erotic, all the time.  With a great looking cast, of four, nude, sweaty, and in the throes of passion for almost the entire film, those of you who like your vampires sultry, hunky, and erotic, we have 2024's "Swap," directed by Dallas King.

Hunk cop Rad (James Eastwood) and hot GF Kayla (Jessica Leila Greene) begin the film in the throes of sweaty and deviant passion. They are so in love. Uh oh...Kayla is getting bored and wants to either introduce a third into their sex activities, or another couple. Rad is hesitant. No matter, the two lovers head off for a weekend with Kayla's buddy, the hot blonde Glory (Erin Anne Gray) and her fiancé, the hunk Angelo (King). When they arrive, they walk in on Glory and Angelo having hot sweaty sex. The quartet will have a great time at the mountaintop luxury home as Angelo and Glory broach the subject of more deviant and exploratory sex. Kayla is all for it, Rad is not. As a compromise, topless hot tub activities with the two babes in make-out sessions will follow.

Rad is feeling left out as he is the only skeptic to threesomes or foursomes. Uh oh, Angelo and Glory are sexual vampires...feeding on orgasms and deviance.  Glory will get Kayla alone in a steamy and erotic bath.  The two babes will be all over one another.  Angelo gets Rod alone and tries to sell him on the idea of swinging or foursomes...and to give a hint to what they are.  As Kayla and Glory bring one another to...glory...Glory bares her fangs and...well, you'll see.

Do Glory and Angelo desire to turn the hot guests into vampires, or to eat them?  Will Rad be able to hold out and maintain his humanity and to also keep Kayla from going to the undead side?  Will the hot, sweaty, and lathery gals engage in catfights over the two hunks?  There will be spankings, whippings, lipstick lesbian deviance, and blood.  For an incredibly seductive vampire film, with a hot cast, see "Swap."  

The Forest Hills, Werewolves, Brain Injuries, and Madness

Admittedly, this will be a difficult one to defend...but I will. Great cast. Dee Wallace! Felissa Rose! Shelley Duvall! Not just cameos, but all significant roles. Ms. Duvall plays her role so well in this brutal horror flick that we wince every time she is on the screen. Gore! A death count that will be astronomical! The most psycho of psychos ever put on the silver screen!  Our feature today is 2023's "The Forest Hills," directed by Scott Goldberg.

Rico (Chiko Mendez). Pure psycho.  Homicidal psycho. Head injuries, demented parents, abuse, and werewolves did not help his upbringing...thus he is insane. As our film begins he gets word that his estranged mother (Duvall) is dying. He returns...and murders her. Not an easy scene to watch. Flashbacks hint at a murderous childhood that riddles him with guilt, trauma, and homicidal tendencies. Now we witness Rico's further descent into madness. He gets back together with his therapy group. Yep, this is a group of insane peeps who suffered head injuries. This group includes Billy (Edward Furlong). Not a healthy group to hang with, I must say. He'll kill most of them. Now Rico believes werewolves stalk the forest around him and are closing in on him. Uh oh...Rico wrestles with a revelation...is he the werewolf?

Rico flashes back about the boss who fired him (Wallace). Yep...poor Dee Wallace. Rico feels compelled to pay her a visit. A massacre in a diner will result. With big knives, guns, or his bare hands, Rico's death count, massacre aside, will be a couple dozen.  Even his very pretty therapist (Caitlyn Classey) will not be deemed too pretty to die horribly. The werewolves converge, at least in his mind.  Now Rico allows his lycanthrope self to emerge and he himself begins to prowl the woods.

Is Rico a werewolf?  Are there really werewolves prowling the woods? Will anyone in this film that Rico comes across survive?  Bloody, thought provoking, and at times hard to watch, "The Forest Hills" is for horror fans who love horror without diversions or humorous sides. Enjoy this journey into mega-madness, and see it if you dare.

I Saw Black Clouds, Nightmarish and Ominous

You know when you look back at your childhood and remember the movies that legitimately gave you nightmares.  Growing up in the 80s, we're supposed to say "The Day After" gave us nightmares...it didn't. In fact, it bored us to tears, but to seem enlightened and socially conscious, we have to say it did. "Let's Scare Jessica to Death" gave us nightmares, but  we don't mention that. No, we say the mini-series "Holocaust" gave us nightmares, but it didn't. Still, we have to act socially conscious and fake our past fears. Today we look at a hokey film that we can't defend cinematically, other than it will give you nightmares.  Forget the "Terrifier" films, our feature today will give you nightmares. Our feature today is 2024's "I Saw Black Clouds," directed by Iain Ross-McNamee.

The lovely coed Emily (Carla Cresswell) has committed suicide.  Her girlfriends are in shock and desperate for answers.  Enter the sultry, but unhappy Kristina (Nicole O'Neill). She actually begins investigating what happened to her buddy.  This won't go well. A search of Emily's room introduces Kristina to a ghostly arm that grabs her and causes her to find Emily's diary. The diary leads Kristina to a creepy therapist, Dominique (Babette Barat), who uses hypnotism. Emily confided in Dominique that a spooky ghost of a young girl kept whispering to her and was always with her.  The ghost wanted Emily to commit suicide.

This ghost? Yep, further investigation introduces Kristina to Agnes (Ellinor Porsdotter) the ghost. Many generations ago, Agnes drowned herself and her unborn baby. Now Agnes curses the land leading young babes to also commit suicide. Now Agnes is hot after Kristina but Kristina refuses to give up her search for answers.  The quest takes her to a couple of closed down and haunted lunatic asylums,  Agnes keeps claiming coed victims. Kristina finds herself in basements, long dark corridors, or spiral staircases, always with Agnes trailing a few feet behind her.  Then Kristina discovers something horrific.  Something that might indicate she will be the next victim of Agnes' curse on the land.

Ominous and without humor or wit, this film relies on ghostly and eerie images that are all terrifying. We like Kristina but only because she is quite a dish.  Her fate seems that of a doomed beauty.  Can our sultry coed protagonist overcome a centuries old ghost? What really draws Kristina to these abandoned lunatic asylums?  Will there be a catfight between the nubile babe of the living, and the chilled and former nubile babe of the dead?  Prepare for nightmares, even though the story may be lacking.  This is after all a ghost/horror story...so enjoy "I Saw Black Clouds" and don't worry about not being amused. 

The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace, Giallo in the Finger Lakes

Ah, Giallo! Gratuitous Italian horror. One remembers Edwige Fenech...the queen of Giallo. Edwige nude. Edwige in undies. Edwige in shiny black boots. Edwige in peril...or putting another sultry Euro-Babe in peril. Oh, the memories. Thanks to Mark Polonia, we have another Giallo film...sort of.  His homage to this subgenre is so much fun and conjured up great memories.  Our feature today is 2024's "The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace," directed by Mr. Polonia. Set in New York state and starring the wonderful bikini-clad actress, Alyssa Paige.

Our film opens as a model from the Massimo agency (Jacqueline Sissenstein) is in nude bondage in some seedy basement, bound with yellow duct tape. A masked killer taunts her, then offs her with a machete. Happens...at least in Giallo films. Okay, in need of a new model, the agency brings in the sultry blonde Arianna (Paige). She's sultry and does bikinis and undies nicely. Her life is about to change as the director of the agency, Contessa (Jennie Russo), sets her up with dozens of social media obligations, all designed to show her assets and bring in big bucks. Her boyfriend, Jack (Addison Turner), is weird, and a bit moralistic. This causes friction. More models from this agency are also murdered by this masked killer in black, usually with a knife, though one is drowned in a tub...I think Edwige went that way in one of her films.

The killer is now transfixed on Arianna...as are we...so we don't hold it against him...or is it a her? Arianna will continue to make love to the camera and this is fine with us.  The killer gets more and more aroused and keeps pursuing dames attached to the agency. The pretty will die horribly in humiliating fashion, and Arianna seems to be next. Enter a weird cop, Officer Dante (Jeff Kirkendall). Now he emerges as a suspect, as is Jack, the other models, her photographer (Marco Sandoval), and some clients of the agency. Yep, everyone is a suspect.  This film includes all the Giallo tropes and always reverts to gratuitous nude or underwear scenes.

Will Arianna make it to the ends credits without getting skewered or disemboweled?  Will any of the gorgeous models of the Massimo Agency survive?  Just who is this killer that stalks the beautiful? Oh!  I should mention, the wonderful Lynn Lowry has a terrific scene in this film that puts the world of modeling in perspective. The cheese factor is amazing as Miss Paige absolutely gets into her role.  For some fun European fun, without leaving New York state, see "The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace."  

Mother Lode, Charlton Heston Terrorizes Kim Basinger

Kim Basinger, the perfect damsel in great distress. Of course, in this film, the terror and peril she is in will not match that of which she experienced in her marriage to Alec Baldwin. One might argue that her character in today's film was not necessary to the plot...I disagree.  Whenever you have a sultry blonde, who is a total ditz, good things happen. With grunting mountain men, a semi-imbecile leading man, and mud-filled settings, putting Kim Basinger in the film is perfect. Today we have a forgotten gem from 1982, "Mother Lode," directed by and starring Charlton Heston. Oh, co-directed by Fraser C. Heston. Did I mention Kim Basinger, at her acting peak, is in this?

Okay, somewhere in the mountains of northern British Columbia, the mother lode exists...gold!  It is just waiting to be found. As the film begins an unfortunate schmuck (Rocky Zantolas) tries to find it and is pick-axed by...Silas (Heston). Silas is a mountain man who believes he is the only one with a right to this lode. Mention gold...and schmucks come running. The schmuck has two friends...Jean (Nick Mancuso) and Andrea (Basinger). I hazard to say he liked Andrea more...not because of her wit and personality, though. These two board a small plane and head up north.  They crash land in the lake near the mine and are found by Silas...who initially comes across as helpful. Good for Nick...he does not trust Silas.  Now Silas must contend with Nick and Andrea.  Andrea wants to find the man Silas murdered.  Nick wants...gold!

Silas tries to get the duo to leave with their lives.  Greed engulfs Nick and this ruins all his chances to get into Andrea's pants. Andrea is imperiled by Silas and...someone else, you'll see. With Nick going totally crazy with gold fever (greed), Andrea is grabbed by...you'll see. Silas, the madman prospector, has his own mine where he believes the gold is...and Nick finds it.  War between the two rages and Andrea may just be the prize for the winner.  Not that Andrea will have anything to say about this...but, seriously, she's just a ditzy blonde in peril.  I mean, its not like we're waiting for her to assert some anthem on the evils of greed, or that all women should be respected.  After all, its Kim Basinger...

Will Nick be able to take out Silas and take possession of the gold mine?  Will Silas, with all his grunting and bad manners, get Andrea?  Babes love grunting and burping men, after all. Will the quest for the gold turn into the quest for Andrea's affections?  This is a good one filled with great British Columbia scenery and great Kim Basinger scenery.  For a nice movie of the night find, see "Mother Lode."

Sawbones, A Cheesy Dr. Giggles Rip-Off

We have a nice straight-to-VHS one for you from 1995. Three years after "Dr. Giggles" shocked us, another medical thriller with a major league cheese factor arrived on video. Yep, the sultry Barbara Carrera will end up strapped on a gurney with her clothes ripped off as her boy toy will be prepped for castration.  I bet you did not think you'd hear that sentence when you got up this morning.  Still, we don't talk about the uber-hot Barbara Carrera enough.  Our feature today is "Sawbones," directed by Catherine Cyran.

One of the greatest characters ever put on film is Jenny (Nina Siemaszko).  She works in the admissions department of a med school.  Her boss is Rita (Carrera) and Rita hates her. The ditz is a contradiction to all the hard working brains at the university and the attached hospital. An under achiever, leads with her T&A, fails at any endeavor she undertakes, and is all slut...until one day. Yep, some weirdo who was rejected for admission at the medical school, Willy (Don Harvey), begins kidnapping people and giving them a drug so they are 100% aware but unable to move.  With the victim quite awake, Willy operates on them and removes their internal organs.  One day, while driving, and all dolled up, with her BF Brad (Nicholas Sadler), she finds the remains of one of Willy's victims.  Because of this she meets hunk detective Burt (Adam Baldwin) and is inspired.

Now, to her great peril, she begins playing detective.  Rita will yell at Jenny and humiliate her by stealing Brad. More and more victims will have their organs surgically cut out in Willy's basement and flushed down the toilet.  Now Jenny will be in danger of losing her job in the admissions office and also lose her fiancé. Even worse, her brilliant ideas will endanger Rita who is now target #1 for the psycho Willy.  Willy has something special planned for Rita, which entails stripping her, and Brad.  Now Jenny, a generally good person, will endanger herself by trying to play the hero and saving these two creeps who have made her life miserable.  Oh, yes.  Detective Burt?  Not a great detective, but he and Jenny begin falling in love.

What will Willy do to Rita, the admissions director who rejected him, as she is naked and in bondage?  Will Willy turn the tables on Jenny and put her in bondage, as well?  Will Jenny and Rita engage in a catfight over the medical student hunk Brad?  This is a gory one with a great cheese factor. For a gratuitous look back at straight-to-VHS prurient thrillers, see "Sawbones."