Too Hot to Handle, Bikini Clad Assassin

In 1972 Don Schain directed the sultry Cheri Caffaro in one of the greatest sexploitation films of all time, The Abductors . In that film, cheerleaders and models were violently abducted, raped, and sold into white slavery. In 1977, the above duo gave us "Too Hot to Handle." Would it be as sleazy and fun as the "The Abductor." ? Instead of being filmed in New Jersey, this one is filmed in Manila and has a more exotic and Bond-like feel to it. The nudity is gratuitous and much of the plot is revealed while Ms. Caffaro is  in the throes of pre-marital sex.

Samantha Fox (Caffaro) is a bleached blonde assassin. She has been contracted to knock off five of Manila's top crime-lords. Her first hit is a schmuck named Portman. After securing an invite to his mansion, she arrives wearing black leather and the two of them immediately start playing with a whip. BDSM will rule the scene and Samantha will murder him as he is naked and in bondage. Now you get the picture. Uh oh for our hot assassin, Detective Domingo de la Torres (Aharon Ipale) is on the case, and he is The Philippines version of Lt. Columbo...except he is pretty hot himself. He immediately is onto Samantha as a suspect.

More crime-lords are murdered and nudity, sex, and hot tubs figure prominently in these killings. Using the direct approach Domingo approaches Samantha and a cat-and-mouse game is on. Domingo is very direct and him and Samantha have a passionate lust for each other. The two will have lots of pre-marital sex and Samantha will have to be careful to remain a step ahead of her new lover. Sex has everything to do with Samantha's killings and with one victim, she will have to come on to a middle-aged lesbian. As crime-lords fall, Domingo gets closer, but Samantha may have a few lethal surprises for her hunk lover/pursuer.

Will Samantha allow Domingo to gather enough proof or will she be forced to off the good detective? Is the BDSM, lesbian, and passionate heterosexual sex, rampant in this film, a good metaphor for the current behavior of our elected officials? Wild and total sexploitation from the 1970s...what more do you want?  For some prurient fun and frivolous entertainment, see "Too Hot to Handle" (aka "She's Too Hot to Handle").

Out of Frame, Bleed For the Camera

Edgar Allan Poe believed that a beautiful woman was a great subject for his literature, but not as great as a dead beautiful woman.  Erotica in death isn't new for the art world, only not talked about in polite company.  Was Poe sane?  How about the millions that have enjoyed his work?  Fans of the genre will aver that they enjoy the work for its sophistication, passion, and the ability for it to arouse while capturing orgasmic periods in life.  Many will lie to you and tell you this art form is sick and demented, but their phony passion betrays their sincerity. Hence a 40 minute horror short, 2017's "Out of Frame."

Photographer Damien Drake (Herschel Zahnd) newest photo shoot is falling flat at its showing. His agent Lorna (Chrissy Joy) believes in him, and loves him. Yep, Drake just can't capture the magic of his previous spread, in which he captured some beautiful women being murdered.  Bloodied and strangled, we assume these women were merely posing for the camera.  This morbid shoot, while winning praise and admiration from critics, may have taken Damien on a mental voyage which played havoc with his sanity. As his success at capturing women in the throes of murder awakened something scary inside our photographer, it also scared him and almost made him into something evil and twisted.

Enter a couple of bad influences. Allette (Amber Underhill), a nubile and tattooed model who just ate up Damien's dead girl exhibit.  She would love for Damien to photograph her...being murdered. Of course, not really murdered. Then John (Robert Hatfield) arrives. This mysterious sadist is unrelenting in attempting to get Damien to shoot another dead lady photo spread. John is crude and tempting and seems to have some sort of hold on Damien's free will. The more Damien protests, the closer he gets to returning to that misogynistic artistic realm.  Uh oh...the look on Damien's face is changing and he begins looking as a doberman views a lamb-chop.

What happened to Damien in that dark world of death and misogyny?  Is John an art connoisseur or is he in fact part of Damien's psyche?  The women in the photo-shoot, they got up and left after the shoot was over, didn't they? In true Poe fashion, we are seeing Damien deteriorate, but is it his own doing...or outside influences? Director Joseph State does a fine job building the suspense and dread. You'll want to reach into the screen and pull Damien back by the collar from that dark place that beckons him.
Out of Frame Trailer
Out of Frame on Amazon

The Unknown Terror, There Are Fungus Among Us

Ah, 1957's "The Unknown Terror." Yep, this is a flawed film. The biggest strike against it is that the title is so relevant. After the end credits roll, it would be fair to say that the terror is still unknown. Not the scariest work to come out of the 1950s, but we need to be fair. With all its flaws, "The Unknown Terror" has some strong points that make this a worthwhile take. Whatever this one lacks in terror, more than makes up for in damsels in much distress, namely Mala Powers and May Wynn.

While searching for the Cave of the Dead, Jim (Charles H. Gray) finds it. He won't make it back to civilization and after six months, his sultry sister Gina (Powers), and her husband Dan (John Howard) decide to search for him. Enter the pathetic and drunk Peter (Paul Richards). After a crippling spelunking accident, Peter has a bum leg. Out of pity, Dan agrees to allow his old friend to join the search. Our trio head to a Caribbean island inhabited by grouchy and superstitious natives. They refuse to help Dan find the cave but our group does find the estate of the eccentric fungus scientist, Dr. Ramsey (Gerald Milton). Ramsey knows more than he is letting on and the natives believe him some kind of god. The quasi mad-scientist has discovered a fungus that grows so rapidly that...well...you'll see.

Okay, Ramsey used his god status to take the only attractive woman on the island as his bride. The beautiful Concha (Wynn) dresses seductively but endures numerous beatings from her god-husband. A real heal Ramsey doesn't see that the pathetic Peter and Concha are getting quite close. I know, hardly a horrifying plot. Eventually Dan and Peter find the Cave of the Dead, believed to be purgatory by the islanders. There, they make some discoveries that will turn out to be deadly and threaten all life on this planet. Oh yeah, they'll also have to do battle with these creatures that are a cross between the mole people and the Yeti. As this is all happening, Concha and Gina will look really good and at one point, one of the aforementioned creatures will chase the sultry Gina while she is clad in a nice white negligee.

Will the creatures capture our damsels? Any chance that Gina and Concho might engage in a cat-fight? Will Peter and Dan find Gina's missing brother? Could the fellows searching Oak Island learn something from our protagonists? The fungus and creatures will have a lot to say about these questions, but I guarantee you, whatever happens, Concha and Gina will look radiant. Directed by Charles Marquis Warren, "The Unknown Terror" will remain an unknown terror, but certaintly a known vehicle for 1950s cheesecake.

Cold Blooded Beast, Beautiful Nymphomaniacs Die Horribly

Where do I begin? So much to admire, here. An old mansion in Italy converted to a mental asylum. This spacious estate is adorned with medieval weapons and torture devices. The patients? Beautiful Italian women clad in see-through negligees or nothing at all. The doctor?  Klaus Kinski! Asylum activities? A lot of lesbian sex, lesbian messages, heterosexual sex, and a hefty dose of babes pleasuring themselves. Oh yes...the final 60 seconds of this film will be the most gratuitous and bloody conclusions ever put on film. 1971's "Cold Blooded Beast" (aka "La Bestia Uccide a Sangue Freddo").

They're all nymphomaniacs, but in Italy that doesn't land you in a loony-bin. Actually Anne (Rosalba Neri) is confined because her nymphomaniac tendencies center around her brother. Ruth (Gioia Desideri) is a homicidal maniac who attempts to murder anyone withing 20 feet of her...but a beautiful homicidal maniac. Cheryl (Margaret Lee) is suicidal.  Mara (Jane Garrett) is agoraphobic. As our story begins, Ruth has just been dropped off by her husband and Mara is given a beautiful nurse named Helen (Monica Strebel). The pretty red-headed nurse will have much lesbian sex with Mara before Mara gets a crossbow arrow through the neck.

Dr. Clay (Kinski) is hesitant to allow the suicidal Cheryl to leave. Supposedly cured, Clay disagrees and desires to keep the beauty under his care. The murders begin. As Anne has passionate sex with a groundskeeper in the greenhouse, a nurse is beheaded. In quick fashion, the killer arms himself with medieval weapons, which will include an iron maiden. An axe, the aforementioned crossbow, a dagger, a mace, and a noose will also be at his (or her) disposal. As the beauties are shredded everyone still breathing is a suspect.  More nudity and lots more sex (of every kind) fills up most of the second half of this Giallo epic. With the killer on the loose, to survive, a beauty will have to put herself in immense danger.

Could Dr. Clay be the killer, after all he is played by Klaus Kinski? Is one of the sexy patients the fiend, after all they are mental patients? How about the lesbian nurse, Helen? Could she just be a throw-in gratuitous character? I'm not even going to give you a hint about the last 60 seconds of this film. For some very gratuitous and prurient enjoyment, indulge in "Cold Blooded Beast" (directed by Fernando Di Leo).   

The Body Shop, Insaniac Creates Women

Ah, to create the perfect woman.  What would she look like and how would she behave?  You can pick.  The legs of one woman, the face of another, the arms of a third, and the eyes of someone else. Your choice.  Her personality? Her only job will be to serve and pleasure you. Interested? After all, what could go wrong? Hence 1972's "The Body Shop."

Poor Dr. Brandon (J.G. Peterson, Jr.), mad-scientist extraordinaire. His pin-up model wife recently died and he has needs. Like most of us would, the mad doctor embarks on a quest to create a perfect wife in his laboratory. He starts where we would, the graveyard. Corpse body parts just won't do, so Brandon scouts for living babes. With the help of his trusty hunchback assistant, Greg (Roy Mehaffey) he abducts beauties. First up is a bikini babe (Jan Benfield)...he will cut her legs off.  The nubile Ellen (Jeannine Aber) is next...after drugging her he will cut off her arms.  He'll do the same with other beauties and even operate on them while they are awake.  The surgical scenes are quite graphic.

Now, stocked with human body parts from attractive donors, its time to sew the pieces together. We have to give Brandon credit, he has amassed some really nice looking pieces. Its not much of a spoiler to say the endeavor was successful, and Anitra (Jenny Driggers) is born. As a part time hypnotist, Brandon now controls Anitra's thoughts.  He teaches her how to serve his every manly need, how to wear a see through negligee, how to serve his every manly need, how to don a bikini, how to serve his every manly need, etc. He will also keep her locked in his castle and shield her from every other man.  Girls will be girls and when she gets a gander at other men...well...you'll see.

Will Anitra ever free herself from Brandon's control? Will Brandon ever teach her how to wear a smart business suit suitable for finding a job?  How will Brandon ever react when Anitra plies her talents on other men?  Of course, creating your own woman, brainwashing her to serve your every need, and be 100% devoted to your manly needs always goes well.  This is a horror film, however, and where this story lacks in romance and emotional drama, it will succeed in gore and dissection. A metaphor for the modern relationship, perhaps? Directed by the star, J.G. Patterson, Jr., "The Body Shop" is some good 1970s drive-in, exploitation/horror.

Carnosaur 2, Dinosaurs Eat Miners

Not a true sequel, sadly. Of course, a true sequel to "Carnosaur" would have had a few scant survivors on Earth battling a new race of Tyrannosaurus Rex'. The drawback would have been no women in the cast as they were shoved into extinction in the original.  Still, when dinosaurs and humans engage in battle, especially in close quarters, it is still fun. Hence, from Executive Producer Roger Corman, we have 1995's "Carnosaur 2."

At the Yucca Mountain Mine an angry T-Rex shreds all the miners. The monster took everyone by surprise. Little did the plutonium miners realize, the facility also was experimenting on bringing dinosaurs back to life...and it worked!  With the mine/Top Secret lab now off the grid, the government sends in a tactical team to figure out what happened.  Major Tom McQuade (Cliff DeYoung) will accompany this grouchy band of...well...I'm not sure what they are, we'll call them soldiers. The very pretty Galloway (Neith Hunter) will fly them in on a chopper. Galloway is really cute and quite perky, but because this is a Roger Corman film...well...don't get too attached to her as her death will be quite horrible.

Now inside the Yucca Mountain facility, the team, led by the grouch Jack Reed (John Savage) find body parts all over the place. They also find a survivor, a teen aged computer hacker (Ryan Thomas Johnson), in shock.  Almost immediately, our grouchy team starts getting picked off by T-Rex' and Jack and company start fighting back. Meanwhile, our government hack, McQuade,  knows more than he is letting on. The monsters can bust through walls and munch away at Reed's men (...and women). After the perky Galloway gets it, the only other female member of the team, Sarah (Arabella Holzbog) is pulled apart like string-cheese. Just in time, our teenager hacker comes out of shock, and him and Reed must figure a way out of a secret lab under lock-down before the self-destruct program is activated.

Would there have been any harm in letting the perky Galloway survive? Since this is a Roger Corman film, are the two babes in this film better off dead? Is "Carnosaur 2" a metaphor of the difficulty the U.S. mining industry would endure over the next 20 years? More of a straight forward man vs. monster film than the original "Carnosaur," this sequel has plenty of good gore and some great actors yelling a lot. For cheap thrills and good monster acton, take in "Carnosaur 2," directed by Louis Morneau.

WTF!, Gratuitous Nudity and Gore Abound

A sultry, naked, sweaty blonde (Nicolle Blair) runs out of an isolated cabin looking like she has just been in the throes of pre-marital sex.  She yells "What the F---!" She then receives a dagger between her shoulder blades and her nude body writhes around before she dies. I swear, movie makers are producing films with the goal of getting them on this blog.  So opens 2017's "WTF!" There will be lots of gore, nudity, pre-marital sex, skinny dipping, and bongs. This film features a magnum opus performance by Andrea Hunt. As Bonnie, a Paris Hilton wannabe, she is indignant when told an old creepy guy probably wants to rape her two friends Lisa and Rachel. Offended, Bonnie replies,  "Hold on! Why wouldn't he want to rape me too?"

The nubile, but clean-cut Rachel (Callie Ott) is the only survivor of a slasher who killed all of her buddies. Spring Break nears and she reluctantly agrees to go to a secluded cabin in the woods with her college buddies. No cell phone service...a big clue as to what's next. Her buxom buddies Bonnie and Lisa (Sarah Agor) will control the activities which include pre-marital sex and skinny dipping. The hunks who accompany them are into these activities, bongs, and additional pre-marital sex. Rachel is on edge, only Bonnie knows her history with the slasher. Avoiding pre-marital sex, drugs, and skinny dipping, Rachel ticks off her cad boyfriend Sam (Johnny James Fiore).  Sam need not fret, Lisa will oblige.

The slashing starts again.  They will be gory. A throat will be cut, intestines will be yanked out, a hatchet will be thrown...all the good stuff.  How about Bonnie?  As a Paris Hilton clone, will her demise be extra gory and elongated?  That's an easy one.  With another mass murder event underway in Rachel's life, all seems hopeless for her friends.  As the nubile gals and hunks fall, flashbacks fill us in on the events of the first mass murder.  Wait!  Something isn't right, who is....well, never mind...you'll see.

How did Rachel survive the first massacre and what happened to the slasher?  Does participation in skinny dipping spell doom for all of Rachel's pals?  Will Bonnie suffer the same fate as Nicolle Blair's character, or will her's be much worse?  Another easy question.  Experienced slasher fans will see the surprise ending a mile away, but the gore, gratuity, and  and attractive characters will make "WTF!" a worthwhile take. Oh yes, Perez Hilton is also in this film and I have to say, he always makes films enjoyable...thanks Perez!  For some neat slasher film thrills, see Peter Herro's "WTF!"

Bodies, Call 911 for Gore and Perversion

Gore and perversion will rule in 2016's "Bodies," so be warned before reading further. The backstory is almost as icky as this film's take on necrophilia.  The living may not fare well in this one, but humiliation also waits for the dead.  Rodney Wilson's extreme horror film may be the victim of some bad reviews, but if you can take it, terrific acting and a fast moving horror story will be quite satisfying.  Afraid of going to the hospital?  This film is for you.

A naked woman with a knife in her hand (yeah...don't ask) is hurried into an ambulance.  To her surprise, she wakes strapped to a gurney in a make-shift operating room while two men cut her open and pull out her internal organs as she watches in horror.  Ah, the world of organ harvesting on the black market.  For Corey (Joe Bocian) and his brother Jeffery (Brian Landis Folkins), the financial rewards for this endeavor are great.  Also, if you are a necrophiliac, this career could play into your hands.  Corey is the brains behind this operation, and Jeffery is...shall we say... slow? Uh oh...they collect another victim, Cindy (Jenice Marshall). Cindy has turned her ankle hiking on a trail and instead of a real ambulance, our monstrous duo show. Cindy will wake up nude, strapped to the aforementioned gurney, as Corey readies to cut her open.

Cindy, a beautiful pre-med student will endure torture and humiliation, but in a weird way...will assume control. See, Corey and Jeffery are taken by her and can't bear to cut her open...but why? A very sick backstory explains this...and it is twisted.  Thinking fast, and knowing that her reprieve is temporary, Cindy begins a game of cat and mouse...her weapon?  The promiscuous pre-med student uses her sexuality.  At first Corey rapes her at will, but as soon as she pretends to enjoy it, well, Corey goes on the defensive.  Oh yes, the slow-witted Jeffery...Cindy has plans for him. Even though she will be beaten, raped, tortured, broken, and humiliated, Cindy appears to have the upper hand.  If she can stay alive, she just might prevail over our two lunatics.

What in Corey and Jeffery's sick past prevents them from gutting the sultry pre-med student?  How much humiliation will Cindy take before her will is broken?  Is Cindy merely plotting escape...or is she also planning revenge?  Everything thrown at you in this film will be stomach turning, but you will feel compelled to look.  For some good dissection horror with lots of internal organs yanked out, enjoy "Bodies."

Darkness Comes, Audition Meets The Dunwich Horror

Pre-marital sex in horror films never turns out like its supposed to. No young nympho ever puts his/her clothes back on saying, "Yes! Now that's what I'm talking about." Usually a machete, spear, or some demon play havoc with what is supposed to be sweet ecstasy. From Scotland, we have a film that merges the uncomfortable dread of the Japanese horror classic "Audition" with the 'something beyond our understanding is on its way' horror of a H.P. Lovecraft epic. From 2013, directed by David Newbigging, we look at "Darkness Comes" (aka "Dying Light").

Suze (Kelly Wenham)! All she wants is wild, unbridled sex with Eddie (Owen Whitelaw). Or so it initially seems. Eddie missed an initial warning sign...Suze is way out of his league. The sultry vixen leads Eddie and his raging hormones to a mysterious room (...cell?) where she is all over him. Eddie is in all his glory until Suze subdues him with a syringe. When Eddie awakens...the horror story begins. Yep...he is fully awake, but completely paralyzed. Tied to a bed frame, he is completely helpless when Suze pulls out a box-cutter (...ceremonial dagger?). She starts carving.

Just when we are ready to turn our eyes from the screen, a miracle occurs...Eddie gets his movement back and knocks out Suze. Don't get too excited, Suze never loses control, even when unconscious. No spoilers here, but Eddie finds some indications that he is much more than a schmuck...he is a chosen schmuck. This never goes well if the one doing the choosing is evil, not human, a demon, an alien, or some other otherworldly being. So which one is Suze?  Or is she human and a normal nymphomaniac millennial with a cutting fetish? The dimly lit cell offers few clues, and will offer even fewer as it seems to be losing light. In the growing darkness, Suze continues to stalk Eddie, physically and psychologically.  Yes...it appears some evil force may be on its way.

Was Eddie chosen, and if so why and by who (...or what)? Just what is on its way, and from where does it come from? Okay, so doom, death, or the apocalypse may be on its way, but will this stop Eddie from going out on top and engaging in the aforementioned pre-marital sex? Fans of H.P. Lovecraft will fill in the blanks quite nicely. What is just beyond the darkness is just as horrific as whatever Suze is. Written by Gordon Mclean, "Darkness Comes" is a dark horror story featuring a sultry vixen and a nerdy schmuck...an arrangement many of us can relate to.
To watch Darkness Comes now click on this link Darkness on Amazon

Delirium, Super Model Carnage

She is gang raped by the Nazis. She is violently raped with a flashlight by a pervert in a wheelchair. She runs through a torrential rain storm in a see-through negligee. She has passionate sexual intercourse with a male porn star in a hot tub. She's chased through an abandoned mall while wearing high heels and a smart, semi-tight leather skirt. She is felt up by the aforementioned porn star in a tanning booth. I know what you're thinking...Edwige Fenech in an Italian horror film. Half right. Today we look at 1987's "Delirium," starring the sultry Serena Grandi and directed by Lamberto Bava.

As our story opens, nude model Kim (Trine Michelson) is being felt up by two African women in a swimming pool. Yep, a photo shoot for Pussycat Magazine. This magazine is owned by former nude model Gloria (Grandi), who took over operations after the untimely death of her race-car driving husband. Uh oh...Kim will be pitchforked in the gut when leaving Gloria's dinner party. This crime is witnessed by a pervert in a wheelchair who gets off on spying on Gloria with binoculars. Kim's corpse is taken by the killer and posed in front of a mural of a nude Gloria. Pussycat hits the newsstands the same day Kim's body is found in a dumpster...sales skyrocket...after all, Pussycat has some great recipes.

New model needed...enter Sabrina (Sabrina Salerno). Her death will be humiliating as the killer chases her nude around her apartment before...well...you'll see. Same deal...the fiend takes her body, poses it in front of a nude mural of Gloria and sends Gloria the photos the same day Pussycat hits the streets. Serena is getting scared, believing she is next. Enter Flora. Flora (who enjoys watching films of Nazis raping Gloria) desires passionate lesbian sex with Gloria and for Gloria to sell her the magazine. Gloria will have none of it, so Flora will have to settle for the young blonde lingerie model that fawns all over her...enough of that. Uh oh, the victims are getting closer to Gloria as some of her direct employees assume room temperature before their photo sessions. Double uh oh...the pervert in the wheelchair just might be able to walk.

Serena Grandi is quite captivating, whether nude, in a smart leather business outfit, in a see-through negligee, or all wet in a hot tub. As everyone, male and female desires sexual relations with our damsel, she must run from a very perverted and twisted killer. Was Edwige Fenech threatened by the voluptuous Ms. Grandi's success? Is it a historical oversight by Italian cinema not to include a cat-fight between these two actresses? Even in the context of this sick and twisted film, just what sick and twisted conclusion will Mr. Bava deliver to his aroused audience? I have left so much out of this plot as there is a lot here including the monster super-model plot device. For some prurient Italian fun, see "Delirium."

Centipede!, Big Bugs in India

A foolish hunk yells, "Will someone please tell me what we're running from?" A slightly less idiotic hunk yells back, "A big slimy creature, okay!" Ingredients of a perfect B movie. Shot in Hyderabad, India (I've been there), 2004's "Centipede!". When I was in Hyderabad, giant centipedes exploded out of sewers and caves and ate dozens of citizens each day (EMBELLISHMENT). When the privileged descend miles under the earth for thrills, the monsters drool with anticipation.

A bachelor party! No, not in a strip club. Jake (Trevor Murphy), as best man, arranges for an ultra-rich David (Larry Casey) to join his old gang in India for some spelunking. Brilliant! What could go wrong. The crew convenes at the airport in Hyderabad and to David's surprise, Lara Croft wannabe, Sara (Margaret Cash), joins them. She and David were a passionate item before David dumped her for some rich socialite. Also joining them  are more hunks, a nerd or two, and the sultry and playful Zoe (Danielle Kirlin). She is listed sixth in the credits which means she will suffer the most gory death of anyone in the cast.

Just prior to this, a babe Indian scientist and a hunk Indian scientist descended to look for toxic dumping. Instead of looking for toxic waste, they engage in pre-marital sex...and are eaten by a huge centipede. So sad. The same centipede, maybe 20 feet in length, starts eating the hunks. It shoots venom that burns. Zoe? Her fate, though off camera, seems to be reminiscent of Taaffe O'Connell's in "Galaxy of Terror." Uh oh, David lusts for Sarah again, as Sarah sweats a lot and strips down to some flattering bike shorts and a sports bra. Sarah has a new boyfriend, Dirk (George Foster), but veteran horror film viewers know what his fate will be. As the centipede becomes two after Dirk attacks it with a stalactite (don't ask), our crew desperately tries to make it to the surface. The deaths will be slimy and tortuous, but the real question is whether the big bugger will help David get Sarah back?

Will the sweaty Sarah and opportunistic and wealthy David be able to swap spit above the surface again? If Roger Corman had made this film would we have seen Zoe stripped, slimed, and impregnated by the amorous insect? Is the 100 leg centipede a metaphor for the dangers of the hundreds of different cultures in India pitted against each other in the country's caste system? Perhaps the best film ever made in India, "Centipede!" is a lot of fun and creature f/x are neat. As the bugs in your garden and home get bigger as the summer heats up, consider this film a warning of our inevitable fate if the bugs decide to fight back.
 

A Knife for the Ladies, Jack the Ripper in the Old West

I am dying here. I just wanna tell you about the last seven minutes of this film. I so want to tell you. Alas...no spoilers here, but take my word for it...the last seven minutes is over-the-top, with lots of exclamation points. Horrifying, taboo, and sick...yes!!! A western hits our blog today. A western all the way, it even has Jack Elam as the sheriff. But weirdness creeps in and a demented retelling of the Jack the Ripper legend emerges with some sick twists. In an oater in which dance-hall damsels are shredded like cheddar on a salad, we take a peek at 1974's "A Knife for the Ladies."

Someone is slitting the throats of all the prostitutes in Mescal, Arizona. The dance-hall damsel wannabes are being butchered and this is driving businesses and respectable folk out of town. Sheriff Jarrod (Elam) is battling the bottle and in no condition to investigate. Sensing Mescal is soon to become a ghost town, a wealthy banker (John Kellogg) hires a private detective, Burns (Jeff Cooper). Burns is smart, educated, reads thick books with big words and is a spitting image of David Hasselhoff. Oh yes, fans of 1970s sports will love it that Derek Sanderson (Boston Bruins) and Fred Biletnikoff (Oakland Raiders) also star. These two kill a Mexican believing they have killed the Jack the Ripper fiend in their town...they are wrong.

As more beauties assume room temperature, Burns inspires Jarrod to sober up and join the fight. What they discover will be shocking. The ladies of the night weren't the only targets of this mad butcher. Travis Mescal, from the founding family of the town, was the initial victim. As the film progresses, a creepy undertaker emerges as a suspect, but is this too easy? After some grave robbing, corpse assault, and some good old fashioned gun fighting, Burns and Jarrod turn their attention to a most unlikely suspect. They better hurry as Jenny (Diana Ewing) is the only babe left in Mescal and what waits for her is simply ghastly.

Can Jarrod and Burns figure out who the fiend is in time to prevent Jenny's soiling and demise? Just what secrets are brought to light as a grave is opened?  What else does that weird undertaker do to the corpses of formerly sultry hookers? Jack Elam is great and sets this film apart by his initial quote as we first meet him. In a drunken stupor, he blares out (with no context) "18 years I've been banging his wife and what do I get? A kick in the but." I wish I said that. Directed by Larry G. Spangler, "A Knife for the Ladies" is a twisted tale of the old west that horror fans will enjoy.

Army of the Dead, Gold Rush to Death

Fans of Discovery Channel's Gold Rush will know that Parker and his hot Australian GF have parted ways. No worries, I have a perfect replacement...beautiful actress Audrey Anderson. Perhaps a minor character in 2008's "Army of the Dead," Ms. Anderson brings allure and lingerie to the search for gold. Sadly, Ms. Anderson's character will bring a satin-lace camisole and the art of seduction to a war against the undead army of skeletons in the Mexican desert...her fate will be tortuous (after all, she is listed sixth in the credits).

Four hot couples head to the desert in Mexico for some off-road racing in VW bugs. Yep, the sultry Amy (Stefani Marchesi) has surprised her hunk BF, John (Ross Kelly) with this birthday present. Also along is the aforementioned Jenny (Anderson), who used to date John. Also along is the professor (Miguel Martinez). This professor has an ulterior motive...find the lost city of gold...El Dorado. He does this in quick fashion but awakens DeGama's army of conquistadors in the process. This army is now made up of skeletons with shields, helmets and swords. They guard the treasure and see the racers as invaders. The army attacks and does away with some of the professor's thug pals.

As Jenny ends up in John's sleeping bag with some nice Victoria's Secret get-up...Amy complains (what a prude!). Uh oh, the professor is missing and the search for him bring our couples to the city of gold, and most of them will not fare well. Say what you want about the skank Jenny, her demise will be heroic...if not elongated and humiliating. Fortunately for John, Amy also gave him a magic ancient sword as a birthday gift. Now John's task is to save his friends, convince Amy his tryst with Jenny was not what it seemed (No! It never is), and defeat an army of demon skeletons.

Can John defeat an army of 5000 demon skeletons? At $1200 and ounce for gold, are the undead conquistadors likely to allow anyone to survive? Will Jenny emerge in the newest season of "Gold Rush" now that Parker Schnabel needs a new main squeeze? Okay, the gore effects are laughable, but it is good to laugh. This film received a 2.9/10 rating on IMDB which means it is better than any Mila Kunis film. For a great time with lots of battles and death, see "Army of the Dead," directed by Joseph Conti.

The Faith Community, Run Away!

Hah! Yes...I've been told the same thing. In Faith R. Johnson's "The Faith Community," the charismatic 'messenger' of God tells one of our protagonists not to watch horror films, they are the province of Satan. Right on Ms. Johnson...I have heard that so many times from the so-called faith community. I'm much too polite to retort what immediately comes to mind, that is "...yeah? So is biblical mis-interpretation you wuss." Biblical perversion or mis-interpretation is deadly for the soul, but in this 2017 film...well...the term deadly may not need interpretation.

Hannah (Janessa Floyd) is on fire for the Lord. She heads the Campus Christian Collective at her university...bless her little heart. Her and Andrew (Aidan Hart) drag newbie Christian, Colin (Jeffrey Brabant), to the woods of Maryland where a dynamic Christian camp has been set up. Now, veterans of horror films (...excuse me, Satan's movies) know to get right back in the car if something doesn't seem right...Hannah and her buds don't. They are met by "The Messenger" and four of his cult (excuse me, is that word too judgmental on my part) followers. He's weird and twisted in a Reverend Jim Jones sort of way. As Colin captures their experiences on video, we see doom fast approaching.

Jeremy Harris plays "The Messenger" all too well. You've met him, that weird youth pastor at your church who you would not leave your daughters with. He has memorized much of the Bible and uses it to spew damnation messages. Uh oh...Andrew and Hannah seem to be brainwashed by this guy. As Colin chronicles the commune, we are let in on some horrific testimonies from followers of the messenger. A lot of stuff just doesn't seem right, but when we meet cult members, we realize that ruination (in mind and body) looms nearby. What transpires will be difficult to watch and heartbreaking. Seeing a train wreck in slow motion is tortuous, but given that this film serves as a great metaphor to the plight of many lost sheep, causes us all to think.

What lies in store for our university trio at the hands of The Messenger's cult? This film will have you pondering many questions about your faith and your ability to to stand up to charismatic frauds. In the 1980s, no one was fooled by Duffy Strode, but he was hardly endearing. Over 900 were slaughtered in Guyana as Jim Jones was seen as God, and I won't even mention the Hale Bopp Comet. Ms. Johnson's film serves as a stark warning, especially to you youngsters in faith...be careful and trust that little voice inside you that says "RUN AWAY!!!!!"
NOTE: For the Korean, Japanese, and Bolivian readers of this blog who tune in for a sermon, here is the message, "Be so grounded in The Word that when a counterfeit comes along, you recognize it right away."

Flight to Hell, Alien, The Thing, and Pretty Stewardesses

From Italy, we have a wild one. A combination of "Alien," "John Carpenter's The Thing," and "Coffee, Tea, or Me" graces this blog today. I told a good buddy I needed a film with pretty stewardesses in much peril...and he found one for me, 2003's "Flight to Hell." Two sultry stewardesses with slightly tight short skirts, ornate scarfs, and high heels will be put in much peril as alien creatures try to penetrate all of their orifices. Will they survive? Oh yes...there are other characters...which we'll get to.

Roulette One Airlines operates a gambling flight. At 30,000 feet, pampered passengers, decked to the hilt with tuxedos and slinky evening gowns, engage in games of chance and sexual intercourse. Fawned over by two stewardesses, Carol (Sinne Mutsaers) who acts as a blackjack dealer, and Janet (Basia Wajs) who acts as a nymphomaniac waitress, the passengers are about to be hunted down by alien creatures that have come aboard the plane. As Janet enjoys rough sex in the galley (to Janet, "Hands off the merchandise" actually means "Ravage me you brute!") and Carol deals out hands, Don (Eric Bassanesi) pilots the plane with his pretty co-pilot Pat (Giulia Bernardini). The little buggers proceed to up their way into orifices of passengers and crew and explode out of them.

As the crew figures out they are under attack, poor Janet will have a slimy alien go up her...well...you know...her woman tunnel, travel through her, and come out her mouth. Whether the death was satisfying to Janet is not an important question. As alien eggs hatch in the cargo hold, and the queen alien grows, the women seem to be in much peril, and not all will fare well. Aliens will explode out of eyes and heads, and the nubile Carol will have to man up in her alluring stewardess uniform if anyone will survive this flight. Together with pilot Don, this duo is the casino flight's only chance for a safe landing.

Is a sultry stewardess the warmest place to hide at 30,000 feet? Can anyone hear an invaded and penetrated stewardess scream in the jet stream? Would this film have any merit if the flight attendants were accurately portrayed and looked like a modern day American cabin crew? Exploitation all the way, "Flight to Hell" is fun to watch and heavy on the cheesecake and gore. Directed by Alvaro Passeri, catch this Italian horror film and bring yourself back to a day when stewardesses were sultry and not a diverse group of flight attendants.

Splatter University, Coeds Slaughtered Again

Low-budget, straight to VHS quality, and incredibly brutal and heartbreaking...just the way we like it. In 1984's "Splatter University," many nubile coeds will fall prey to an escaped maniac. With a Catholic university serving as the backdrop, perhaps this slasher flick will serve as a thinly veiled metaphor for the misogyny rampant in, not only the university setting, but also a patriarchal-church university setting. Or maybe, and this is my guess, we just have a gratuitous horror film in which a bald and fat producer is getting out all his anger on the women who wouldn't date him when he was in college.

A psycho killer escapes from the insane asylum after castrating and gutting an orderly. Three years later and the setting switches to Saint Trinians University. This school likes to hire babes as sociology professors. Unfortunately for these sultry profs, the escaped killer has made his way to the school. After Professor Phillips (Donna Hartman) is gutted in her classroom, the equally as beautiful Julie Parker is hired to replace her. Julie is a dull professor, but she is very pretty. The priests at STU are all perverts who grope beautiful women, delve into pornography, and engage in sexual intercourse without the benefit of communion (say what?). Oh yes, Julie begins dating Mark (Ric Randig). The hulking Mark, unbeknownst to Julie, used to date the aforementioned sociology professor, and was the number one suspect in her murder.

Meanwhile, coeds start assuming room temperature. Doreen (Joanna Mihalakis) is scalped  and tossed into a dumpster and the recently impregnated Cathy (Kathy LaCommare) is gutted at a drive-in movie.  Even the very pretty secretaries to the priests are cut up. As Julie realizes that her new beau, Mark, may be a killer, she begins her own investigation. Like that will go well. This ploy by Professor Julie only gets her friend Cynthia (Laura Gold) drained of all her blood. As the death count mounts and each kill gets bloodier, the killer moves in on Julie.

Is the escaped mental patient really the killer? Is the killer a puritanical Catholic priest attempting to cleanse the sinful coed population at his university? Would any of this carnage have ever occurred if women were forbidden to attend universities and relegated to home-economic trade-schools?  Oh, as standard as this plot may sound...well...the ending will blow you away. None of the conventional slasher film rules are adhered to in the final 20 minutes of this epic. For some gratuitous slasher fare, enjoy "Splatter University," directed by Richard W. Haines.

Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Cheering Damsels in Much Distress

The Central High Raiders cheerleading squad will be put in much peril. Sadly, not all of them will emerge the beauties that they were as the film begins. In 2008's "Chainsaw Cheerleaders" witches, demons, probing worm creatures, and sacrificial rites will play havoc with some very nubile blondes. Gratuitous to the max, with cheerleaders in shower scenes, cheerleaders kissing each other scenes, cheerleaders being cut up scenes, and cheerleaders trying to think scenes. Best of all, there will be hot cheerleaders wielding chainsaw scenes as they mount an offensive against the forces of darkness.

Dawn (Michele Grey) has violent anger issues. After almost murdering her two-timing boyfriend, the school psychologist, the very hot Dr. Lacey (Debbie Rochon) orders her to join the cheerleading squad. Apparently, this activity will channel her aggression. The three bimbos currently on the team are sultry, team captain Bambi (Misty Marie), Jessica (Rebecca Lee), and Chassy (Jackey Hall).  Don't ask why, but this trio send Dawn to a house to sell magazine subscriptions. Uh oh, Dawn witnesses the lovely Sally (Erin Leigh Bushko) sacrificed by a witch. Dawn convinces her new friends to return to the house to investigate.

After some shower scenes, and gratuitous locker room scenes, the four gals return. Sally's sacrifice has conjured up a centuries old witch, Lucinda (Tiffany Shepis). Lucinda possesses Bambi's body and feels herself up before setting out on a murder spree of schmucks from Dawn's life. In fact, the nymphomaniac Dr. Lacey will have a probing demon worm crawl up her...well...you know...which will lead to her demise. Heck...you reach for a vibrator and grab a devil worm...could happen to anyone. Now Lucinda, in Bambi's body sets her amorous and evil sights on the cheerleaders. Clad in their revealing uniforms, our cheerleaders grab chainsaws to fight Lucinda/Bambi.

What does Lucinda want from the Raider cheerleaders? Does Dawn and her three blonde bimbo cohorts have what it takes to defeat a centuries old evil? If Bambi survives this ordeal, will she be able to get Lucinda on sexual harassment, even though she was felt up by her own hands? Internal organs will be ripped out and eaten, faces will be bitten off, and demon worms will find warm hiding spots in nymphomaniacs...yes, there is plenty to enjoy in this horror flick. Written and directed by Donald Farmer, enjoy "Chainsaw Cheerleaders."
Note: Even before this one was posted, it already has international notoriety... from Asia and the Truth Sequences Blog see this on the Pope and Chainsaw Cheerleaders Pope and Chainsaw Cheerleaders