30 Miles from Nowhere, The Anti-Big Chill

1983's "The Big Chill" is one of the most overrated films of all time.  It justified hatred of the University of Michigan. Narcissistic idiots come back together at the funeral of their friend who committed suicide.  This is the plot of the 2018 film "30 Miles from Nowhere," too.  Directed by Caitlin Koller, this film does a lot right.  For instance a mad scientist is introduced into the plot and a nefarious experiment looms in the background of the plot. Sure, there will be a shower scene, but there will also be a lot of blood.

Max (Andrew Rothenberg), a scientist, commits suicide. His experiment is being shut down by his university as his test subject, an 18 year old freshman, is missing. Now his college buddies are summoned by his wife, Sylvia (Carrie Preston) for the funeral in middle of nowhere, Wisconsin. Right! A cabin in the woods with no cell service. Of all of them we like Bess (Cathy Shim), a hot Asian babe who is quite the slut. She was Max' GF in college...and now will sleep with anyone with a tally-whacker. Larry (Rob Benedict) and lesbian Elaine (Seana Kofeed) arrive, too. Elaine will also get some action with the ditz Amber (Marielle Scott). Amber is Jack's (Pastell Pringle) GF. Don't feel bad, Jack will have sex with Bess in the shower. Then there is the pacifist Paul (William Smillie). Weird friends and all did Max wrong at one point or another in college.

Sylvia seems unstable. She cares after Max' dementia ridden mother. She seems a bit of a loon. The creepiness begins. Bess keeps hallucinating blood.  Amber and Elaine hallucinate big cockroaches climbing all over them in lesbian intimacy. Strange noises. A weird funeral in which Amber falls into the grave on top of Max' coffin. Sylvia is often seen digging in the woods and burying animal remains. Other guys try to get into Bess' pants. Then...Larry and Bess make a horrific discovery in the basement and then the duo see...Max!  So what is going on here?

What is Sylvia up to?  Will Bess have deviance with everyone in this cabin?  Did Bess and Larry really see Max after the funeral?  The answers lie in the experiment Max was doing before he died.  Surprises abound as all the characters are able to clear the air on how they treated each other back in their college days. For a witty and surprising mad scientist/slasher flick, see "30 Miles from Nowhere."   

The House on Laura Anne Drive, Poltergeist Lite

Yeah...about a tenth as scary as 1982's "Poltergeist."  Things moving around slightly. A dress falls off a bed. A short nightmare about maggots.  A hint that someone or something may be in the house. Yawn!  Minor league as far as horror movies go.  So why watch this low-budget film? Two reasons. This film stars Natalie Brienen...babe! She'll even give us a nice bikini scene, completely irrelevant to the story.  The second reason. Did I imply this film was not scary.  Ha!  Just stick with it until the horrific and taboo ending. Then all non-scary descriptors will flush down the toilet and suddenly it will be a film that may give you nightmares.  Did I mention Ms. Brienen in a bikini? Today we look at 2024's "The House on Laura Anne Dr.," directed by Joseph Mazzaferro.

Okay, we don't know what happened but cute couple Jay (Stephen Lewis) and Ava (Briennen) move into a nice Florida house after some tragedy. A house on Laura Anne Drive. What is the tragedy and who is Laura Anne? No spoilers, but the answers to those questions will make you cringe. Ava does not work. She sits home all day. Why?  You'll find out. Jay loves Ava and is trying to be a good and supportive husband. Then it appears Ava is going crazy, at least to Jay. She is hearing noises and responding to phantom knock on the front door.  I know...hardly the type of horror that will shock you. Just wait.

Then a couple weeks later Ruth (Jann Van Dyke), an elderly neighbor shows up. She seems friendly and even sent Jay and Ava a nice gift basket.  She also knows the history of the neighborhood and the house.  The history is icky and Ava is not happy to hear about it.  More creepy stuff...then some unsettling stuff... then the real horror begins. We like Ava, probably because she is quite a dish. Now we see she may be in danger from something hardly harmless.

Just why does Ava not work and just hang around waiting for strange noises? What is the deal with this house and just who is Laura Anne...and why name a street after her?  With a short bikini scene, if this film is ever remade with a bigger budget, would we get a gratuitous shower scene? Stick with this one until the end and you will be glad you watched "The House on Laura Anne Dr."  

The Model, Runway Models Behaving Badly

Every girl's dream.  Move to Paris and become the face of Chanel. Gag me with a spoon! These undernourished skanks deserve our scorn and ridicule. Our "protagonist" today is a sultry teen who does just this.  What follows is what I believe a pretty accurate character study of Paris' new top model. Today we look at 2016's "The Model," directed by Mads Matthiesson.

Teen beauty, Emma (Maria Palm), who we assume is 18, loves making out with her BF Frederik (Marco Ilso). She is a great kisser. She leaves all this and flies to Paris with a job in a modeling firm. She'll initially meet with humiliation and failure as Marcel (Virgile Bramly) finds her some good jobs. She moves into a weird flat with another aspiring model roommate, Zofia (Charlotte Tomaszewska). They will be naked a lot. Emma is a quick learner and rebounds to seduce an influential photographer, the hunk Shane (Ed Skrein). Poor Shane, he's infatuated with this psycho in the making. Poor Emma, she thinks he really loves her. Now Emma will succeed and quickly grace the covers of Vogue and Harper's Bazaar. Has anyone ever read those two mags? Uh oh...Shane gets bored.  Why do women expect their guys to be one-woman guys?  Well, the supposed 18 year old gets clingy and unappealing.

The relationship takes a hit when Shane has pre-marital sex with his old GF and Emma screws a Chanel exec in the pool.  Great scene, sure, but not activities that promise fidelity.  Now on Shane's bad side, Emma tries everything to get him back.  Catfights and knife violence follow...as well as some uncomfortable deviant sex with weirdos. Now Emma dives straight into depravity and her new plan is ultra-depraved. This supposed 18 year old is growing up fast, and she better if she plans on seeing her 18th birthday.  Oh!  The ending!  Horrific. You'll ask "what just happened!?" Please...you will know what just happened, don't be naive.

Will Emma succeed in Paris without Shane's help?  Will Shane and his new women survive Emma's coming wrath?  Would these Paris models benefit from finding a boob job surgeon and perhaps an occasional smile?  Ooh!  I didn't just ask that. Damn autocorrect!.  See "The Model" and feel really slimy afterwards.  

The Brain, The Rich Always Live On

In 1953 a creepy but effective horror film came out called "Donovan's Brain."  That movie was created out of the same screenplay as today's British film, 1962's "The Brain."  Both black and white films dwell on the same subject.  Both do it swimmingly well.  Today's entry is a dark one without humor or wit with a bunch of characters that are all unlikable. Let us delve into this Freddie Francis film that does differentiate itself from the former one in the second half.

Max Holt, an evil international financier is murdered when a bomb goes off on his private jet.  Who would want to murder him?  Everyone that knew him.  Wait!  He survives the explosion and crash.  Kind of.  Mad scientist Dr. Peter Corrie (Peter van Eyck), his assistants Frank (Bernard Lee) and the sultry Ella (Ellen Schwiers) hear about the crash and race to the site. There, Peter detects a pulse from Max Holt and brings him back to his lab.  Uh oh...Peter has an ulterior motive for treating him. Max is going to die soon.  The cops are on the way, this trio did call them. See, Peter is experimenting in keeping a brain alive after the body dies.  Max does die and Peter and his assistants remove the brain, put it in a tank, sew the head back up, and give the corpse to the cops when they arrive.

Now Max live son...kind of.  His brain is still working in the big fish tank. Uh oh...it telepathically communicates to Peter. Actually it possesses him. Now Peter, at times, is indeed the evil industrialist trying to solve his own  murder.  Peter goes to Max' mansion and meets his sultry daughter, Anna (Anne Heywood), and lunatic son Martin (Jeremy Spencer). Both hated Max. Max and Peter's body goes to chat with his business associates and lawyers, all had motive to murder him. Peter is handsome and persuasive, even without being possessed by Max. He finds Max' old mistress, Marion (Maxine Audley). Marion is about to tell him the secret of this mystery but is murdered in mid-sentence.  This happens again and again leaving the mystery unsolved.  Now Peter, or Max, become more persuasive and soon he appears to be onto his own killer.

Everyone in this film is the bad guy. The women in the film are all sultry brunettes. Martin, the artist, is certifiable but kind of lovable. Will Max solve his own murder or be  murdered again? Will Peter get it on with Anna in her period of fake mourning? Is the real killer necessarily an evil character, or did Max have it coming? Creepy and deep.  The ending will leave you with some important moral questions. See "The Brain," and then go see "Donovan's Brain." Two outstanding films.    

Red Velvet, Telling a Slasher Story

Little Elliott isn't so cute anymore. The little kid from "E.T." is all grown up and Drew Barrymore isn't even in his scope. Today we look at a fine slasher film, though it is a film that will not receive much love.  True, experienced horror-philes will see exactly where this one is going. However, the babe factor is off the charts and the prurient element in this slasher film is sky-high, too.  In one of those "what's real and what isn't films, there will be plenty of gore and deviant sex. Today's feature is 2008's "Red Velvet," directed by Bruce Dickson.

Aaron (Henry Thomas) is frustrated. He's trying to concentrate but his neighbors, the sultry Linda (Kelli Garner) and her BF Kyle (Jordan Hagan) are having another knock down drag out fight. Linda runs off with her laundry to the laundromat. Aaron follows and meets her there. He is ticked at her and the two seem to detest one another. Eventually, Aaron realizes Linda is quite a dish and offers her lunch at a neighboring Thai restaurant. At the restaurant, the duo have a hot Asian waitress (Dina Morishita). No more about her other than her role is hardly insignificant. The two are sarcastic with one another and Aaron lets Linda know he is a good story teller. Linda tells Aaron that she should be at a b-day party at a secluded mountain lake with all her hot friends. Aaron then, with goading from Linda, makes up a story of that party she is missing.

Aaron concocts a slasher story, and a brutal one. There will be gory murders, skinny-dipping, sweaty deviant sex, and imaginative kills. Linda's hot sister Pat (Cristen Coppen) seems to star in his story. Other babes are Amy (Natalia Baron), and Jenny (Michele Nordin). The b-day party is for Pat's maybe BF Frank (Bret Roberts), who may be gay...don't ask. There are a few more hunks, none will fare well. There will also be a crocodile in one heck of a kill scene. The babes will get sweaty and naked fast. Aaron realizes Linda needs cheering up and a dose of self-confidence.  Linda is vulnerable and fears returning to an abusive BF back at her apartment. Sexual tension erupts between the two neighbors.  Then...well, it'll surprise most of you.

Will Linda pay dearly for developing a liking to her obnoxious neighbor?  Just what is Aaron's real attraction to his hot neighbor?  Is what is going on at the mountain lake really a fictionalized story? You'll see.  Kelli Garner is sultry in her role as the vulnerable Linda and Henry Thomas is unhinged as the grouchy neighbor.  For a prurient, gory, and naked-babe filled slasher film see "Red Velvet."    

Amuck! Sexual Deviance and Murder

Giallo! Can't beat it.  It's allure.  It's gore.  It's bad dubbing. It's sweaty nakedness. The most beautiful of Europe's Euro-Babes die so horribly in these films, many times in states of undress and in the throes of carnal relations. Today we have a classic Giallo film hitting all the tropes.  Our feature today is 1972's "Amuck!" This film, directed by Silvia Amadio, relies on deviant sexual practices and orgies...much like today's Washington, DC power brokers and Big Hollywood.

Greta (Barbara Bouchet) gets a job as the secretary for novelist Richard (Farley Granger). She's a doll!  Loves wearing tight stuff and miniskirts.  Richard has a nymphomaniac, bisexual wife, Eleanora (Rosalba Neri).  She takes a lustful liking to Greta. Okay, Greta is on a personal mission.  Her bestie Sally (Patrizia Viotti) was the former secretary of Richard and went missing while in his employment.  She sent Greta letters hinting at sexual deviance and being pulled into bacchanal lifestyles. Greta wants to find out what happened to her friend...and is also very aroused and curious about this bacchanal lifestyle hinted at by Sally. Early on, Eleanora will drug Greta, undress her, and have wild lesbian sex with Greta.  Is Greta a willing participant?  Richard also seems to fall in love with her.

Greta snoops and soon Richard and Eleanora realize she has a motive apart from typing up Stuart's manuscripts.  Eleanora will include Greta in orgies and even invite a brute fisherman (Petar Martinovitch) who loves strangling babes. Eleanora displays a sensual side toward Greta and Greta allows her, either figuring information will be gotten from her easier...or she likes it. Richard feeds Greta clues in the form of his manuscripts, or is he just luring Greta to her doom?  The nakedness, bacchanal carnality, and murder will explode off the screen.

Does Greta really want to solve her buddy's disappearance or is she looking to join a bacchanal lifestyle? Will Eleanora or Richard try to murder Greta while in the throes of passion? Just what necessitated Sally's disappearance?  This one will send you to the showers.  Erotic as any Giallo offering, "Amuck!" highlights the attributes, all the attributes, of Ms. Neri and Ms. Bouchet nicely.