Assault on Paradise, Indian Madman and his Crossbow

We have a neat one today.  They type of film that would never be made today.  But in 1977...it was fair game.  You have to love the 1970s.  After all...in the 1970s, we could put man on the moon...today, NASA is irrelevant and incompetent.  In the 1970s political correctness had not taken hold.  Today, political correctness halts anything worthwhile.  Let us dive into "Assault on Paradise" (on TubiTV as "Maniac!"), directed by Richard Compton.

Victor (Paul Koslo) is an Indian upset that rich white men developers have stolen native land and built housing developments and malls.  Armed with a high-powered crossbow, grenades, and assorted other non-traditional weapons, he goes on a killing spree.  He murders a great-looking couple necking in a parked car, several cops at a police station massacre, and a babe playing tennis.  This is just the beginning.  He demands a payment of $1million from developer William Whitaker (Stuart Whitman).  Whitaker calls hired killer, Nick (Oliver Reed), to solve the problem.  He arrives and is totally useless.  He'll meet TV reporterette Cindy (Deborah Raffin).  She demands he tell her what is going on.  He buys her a drink and has pre-marital sex with her instead...that's fine with her.

Victor keeps killing cops with his crossbow and grenades, and even performs a massacre at the town's parade.  Nick tells Whitaker to pay up and does nothing except have pre-marital sex with the sultry TV infobabe.  Finally, Nick decides to do something...he springs a tracker (James Mitchum) out of jail to help him track down the mad Indian.  The tracker?  Useless...knows nothing.  Hence more are murdered.  Victor puts on war paint, dresses like he is going to a costume party as Chief Jay Strongbow, and yells about the wind...really.  Cindy and Nick continue to have sex as Cindy is incapable of putting any kind of story together.  Whitaker yells at Nick to do his job and earn his money.  Nick just blames everyone else (I guess he used to work for the government).  Meanwhile, more are murdered and grenades blow up, arrows fly, and Cindy has a few more kinky moves.

Is this a metaphor for the fight over casino rights that took place in the American southwest between Indian tribes and the corrupt federal government?  Would this have been a box office hit if Chief Jay Strongbow played the psycho Indian instead of some schmuck who looked more like Leif Erickson?  Is Cindy a good metaphor for how bad most infobabe TV reporterettes are?  Don't appreciate my non-PC review...tough!  Enjoy "Assault on Paradise."  Remember, it is on TubiTV as "Maniac!"  

Sweet Karma, From Russia with Hate

Yep...human trafficking!  White slavery!  Yawn!  Oh, excuse me.  I'm supposed to be outraged and care.  Well, I don't!  When The White House, the U.S. Congress, the pathological liar of a FBI director, Big Hollywood, and every pedophiliac celebrity tells me to care about something...I get suspicious.  So, no United Nations...and no, Angelina Jolie...I will not get worked up about a problem you want me to get worked up about.  Now give me a sultry Russian babe who can exotic dance with the best...then I'll pay some attention.  Today we look at 2009's "Sweet Karma," directed by Andrew Thomas Hunt.

Big bad Russian organized crime peeps have a racket going in Canada.  In Russia, a lady lures babe Russians to apply for work in Canada.  She fixes them up with a burlesque license and tells them they can earn big rubles in Toronto cleaning houses.  They get to Canada and are herded by thugs and forced to prostitute themselves and work as strippers.  Mute Russian babe Karma (Shera Bechard...Playboy model) is upset.  Her sister, Mavra (Laura McLean) took the offer and now is no more.  Desiring bloody revenge, Karma murders the Russian woman and flies to Toronto.

Desiring to get in with the criminal organization that takes in these Russian girls and killed her sister, Karma poses as a stripper...er, sorry...exotic dancer.  There she begins murdering the gang members.  No hesitation...she just blows them away...one by one.  No sentimentality or weak moments...just boom!  They're blown away.  She goes through Russian mobsters like crap through a goose.  After putting a severe dent in Justin Trudeau's voting bloc, Karma continues her murder rampage with a bit of seduction attached.  All seems too easy.  Not quite.  She'll meet a hunk undercover  cop, William (John Tokatlidis).  He is a hunk and the two have a brutal relationship that ends up being a friendship.  Uh oh...orgies of revenge rarely go smoothly and things are about to turn upside down for our beautiful angel of vengeance.

Ms. Bechard never made any other film...just this one.  She preferred to focus on modeling, including in Playboy.  She is quite the babe and blows (figuratively)  every other exotic dancer and prostitute away in this film.  Will Vladimir Putin send Karma to The Ukraine to blow away Zelensky?  What will Justin Trudeau do if all the sex workers in Canada are freed and go back to Russia?  Is a mute babe heroine the way to go for the next great action hero?  Alluring, erotic, and incredibly brutal, see "Sweet Karma."   

  

Favor, Murder Between freinds

You've all heard it.  A friend will help you move, but a best friend will help you move the body.  Are friends overrated?  Are they more trouble than they are worth?  Have they really always been there for you, or have they been there to laugh at your failure and ills?  Today we look at a shocking horror story, 2013's "Favor," directed by Paul Osborne.

We've all been there.  Starts off as rough sex and all of a sudden someone gets out of control and the gal dies.  Should this ruin a guy's life?  This is where good friends come in.  Kip (Blayne Weaver) has just killed the babe waitress Abby (Rosalie Ward) in a seedy motel room.  He has much to lose.  A beautiful wife, Claire (Cheryl Nichols) is obediently waiting for him at home.  Kip has an idea...a childhood friend!  Kip goes over to Marvin's (Patrick Day).  Marvin is a loser with no job or chance at dating anyone.  Happy to have a friend, Marvin not only agrees to help Kip get rid of Abby's corpse, but agrees to do it himself.  Marvin sends Kip home and heads over to the motel room to dispose of Abby before anyone finds her.

Kip has a great advertising job.  He has a strict boss played by Jeffrey Combs and a sultry young assistant (Christina Rose) who he'll probably have extra-marital sex with soon.  Now he also has...Marvin!  Marvin is needy.  He needs money, a job, and a sultry girlfriend.  Even worse, Marvin  now believes Kip owes him.  Marvin inserts himself in Kip's life and asks about the sultry assistant and all of Claire's single friends.  With the threat of exposing Kip's deed to his wife or the cops, Kip agrees to help out.  Claire gets suspicious.  Marvin seems mentally unstable and has some secrets which Kip cannot even guess at.  Uh oh...Marvin is now calling the shots in Kip's life and no woman in Kip's realm is safe.  Now we begin to see that Kip, himself, may hardly be sane...you'll see.

This is a nice thriller that becomes a shocking horror story.  When you start seeing where this one is going, you'll scream, "NO!"  Will Marvin get a woman from Kip?  Have all the murders in this film taken place in the opening scene?  Does Kip have any alternatives to just giving Marvin everything he asks for?  Shocking, bloody, and a bit taboo..."Favor" is definitely not the feel good film of the 21st century.  For a vicious ride, see "Favor."   

   

Dark Light, Lizard People vs Insane Mom

They are here!  They have been watching us.  Living among us...in the shadows.  Waiting.  No, not the phony Ukrainian refugees...lizard people!  I don't know about you, but I have met a lot of people lately who swear 'they' are here...watching.  Are they right?  Or are they clinically insane?  Today we look at 2019's "Dark Light," directed by Padraig Reynolds.

This doesn't help.  She is clinically insane.  As the film begins she blows her daughter and ex-husband away with a shotgun...or does she?  The story then goes back to show us how we got to this carnage. Annie (Jessica Madsen), a babe, has sanity issues.  Institutionalized recently after a mental breakdown, nothing about her gives the suggestion of sanity.  After leaving her two-timing husband, Paul (Ed Brody), Annie moves back into a farmhouse in which she grew up.  Her little daughter, Emily (Opal Littleton), is with her.  Immediately she hears noises in the wall and sees strange lights in the cornfield.  Then she has glimpses of monsters inside the house.  Uh oh...the creatures seem to want Emily...and they do get her.

Later, after being arrested for the murder of Emily, Annie escapes and returns to the farmhouse to find her daughter.  Now she figures out what she is up against and is armed with guns and other stuff.  The monsters don't want to give up Emily as they feed on the child's energy.  Annie is prepared to go all Rambo in order to get Emily back.  She'll have to win a war with these weird and toothy creatures to do that.  Many will die in horrible fashion at the hands of the lizard people...but most of them sort of had it coming.  Just saying. 

Where did these lizard people come from?  Are our buddies who tell us 'we are not alone,' ' and we are being watched' correct?  Are the people we have locked up in mental asylums wiser than we give them credit for?  For a wild and ambitious monster movie, "Dark Light" is quite a ride.  Enjoy the toothy lizard people, gory killings, and a well-armed babe who will stop at nothing to rescue her daughter and save the planet Earth.        

The 13th Cross, God's Wrath Delivered by Trailer Trash

God's wrath can come from anywhere...even a trailer park.  When trailer trash is armed with the armor of God...well...Bill Clinton better beware.  We've all met them...lunatics who feel they're equipped and guided by God himself.  Unlike the peeps in today's film, hopefully we will have enough wisdom to run away.  Today we look at a bloody one, 2020's "The 13th Cross," directed by Joseph DeGolyer.

Moses (Eric Wood) is a hulk of a guy living in a trailer park.  He used to be a really bad man who is about to be redeemed.  He's visited by what he thinks is an angel, Tamara (Melanie Browning).  Tamara gives Moses a job...murder 13 individuals.  These people have raped, kidnapped, or murdered children and escaped full justice.  Moses sets out on his new trek...and does a fine job.  In the midst of his crusade, Renee (Chelsea Jurkiewicz) flees to his trailer.  She is fleeing a boyfriend, Adam ( Tyler Dane), who pummels her mercilessly.  Moses agrees to take her in and protect her.  Now the 15 year old skank is shacking up with our Jesus freak.  She tries to seduce him...and he tries to resist.

Moses leaves his trailer and stalks his next victims.  One by one he gets closer to killing all 13.  Uh oh...the temptation of a pre-nubile female in his trailer is getting to be too much.  Now Moses must not only worry about being fully redeemed, but now must worry about giving into temptation.  Each murder lessens his resolve to stay pure.  Adam, the boyfriend, gets more desperate and plans a raid on Moses' trailer.  Renee believes she has fallen in love with our avenging angel and turns up her efforts to corrupt him.  Each new killing gets messier as it is apparent that Moses is losing his assassin-touch.

Will Moses finish his charge and murder all 13 perverts before being soiled by the young Renee?  Just who is this Tamara babe and why has she offered Moses redemption through murder?  Is salvation just a bad day at a trailer park away?  Chelsea Jurkiewicz and Eric Wood are amazing, and fear not, in real life she is a  lot older than 15.  For a redemptive good time, see "The 13th Cross," and down a few Old Milwaukees as you do.    

Monika, A Very Steamy Ghost

Cerina Vincent as a ghost?  Yes!  Unlike most ghost depictions in movies, the ghost in our film today does much more than Casper.  Yep, the Cerina Vincent Ghost sweats a lot during pre-marital sex, very steamy pre-marital sex, I might add.  She sucks face nicely.  The erotic specter also leads with very impressive cleavage.  Today we look at 2012's "Monika," directed by Steven R. Monroe. 

Reagan (Jason Wiles) is a struggling actor invited to orgy like festivities in Vegas.  Yep, he's invited by a B movie actor known as Double (C. Thomas Howell).  Reagan balks at the invite, which will occur in a crack-whore motel...I guess they didn't have Marriott points.  A weird dream (premonition, really) changes his mind, and he goes.  Before he gets to Double's room, Monika (Vincent) hauls him over.  The two bond, suck face, and have sweaty pre-marital sex.  Uh oh...Monika was murdered before Reagan arrived in Vegas.  A ghost?  Sure, we'll go with that.  Monika got herself riddled with bullets as she undertook a mission to kill off the criminal gang that addicted her little sister to meth...then killed her.

Terry Jo (Jeff Branson) is the thug who murdered Monika's sister, Leanne (Shayla Beesley).  He works for a slime-bag, Eli (Andrew Howard).  Elis orders Terry Jo to murder everyone in Leanne's cell/contact list.  Monika enlists Reagan to help her finish what se started...murder the rest of the miserable gang.  A lot of murder will ensue...and a lot of cleavage will be thrust at us.  Monika is all seduction and all vengeance.  The peeps in Monika's and Reagan's lives will die horribly, leaving the two weird lovers no choice but to exterminate Eli's entire criminal enterprise.

With America's doing away with flirting, romancing, and dating, are erotic and nymphomaniac ghosts a good alternative to nubile college coeds?  Does being in an undead state effect the size of...actually, never mind this question, it was a silly one.  Will the steamy sex between Monika and Reagan end after the completion of the mission?  Erotic and vicious...not a bad combo for a film.  See "Monika" and enjoy a great performance by Cerina Vincent.    

You Can't Kill Stephen King, Not Even if You're a Bikini Babe

A good slasher film needs a good (a few actually) bikini babes.  Rest assured...we have them in today's feature.  A special thanks go out to my buddy Bob Madia, one of the writers of this horror/comedy.  Without his prodding, I may never have discovered this gory laugh-fest.  Brutal killings, bikini babes jiggling, and some outrageous characters...who you probably will recognize from your own life.  After all, who doesn't have a creepy pervert in our circle of friends.  Actually, I'd say many of us could use some more sultry bikini babes in those circles...but that's just me.  Today we look at "You Can't Kill Stephen King," a 2012 film directed by Ronnie Khalil, Monroe Mann, and Jorge Valdes-Iga.

Our film begins with the brutal killing of a scantily clad screaming babe (Vanessa Leigh).  "The King's Speech" needed this opening to qualify as a decent film.  Anyway, Three hunks, the proverbial black guy Lamont (Justin Brown), the PTSD ridden war vet Monroe (Mann), and creepy pervert Ronnie (Khalil) are driving to a Maine lake house with three bikini babes, the slut Nicole (Kayle Blogna), the potential final girl Lori (Kate Costello), and Monroe's grouchy sister Hillary (Crystal Arnette).  Their goal is to get a glimpse of Stephen King's lakeside house.  The sextet seems to have an unhealthy obsession with the horror writer.

You Stephen King fans will recognize much of the dialogue and quotes which pay homage to King's novels. Wouldn't you know it, the town is filled with a creepy population.  The waitress in the restaurant, the sheriff, the boat rental guy, the gas station attendant...everyone!  The hunks and babes bicker as Ronnie makes perverted moves toward Nicole.  Meanwhile Lori tries to rekindle a past relationship with PTSD ridden Monroe and Hillary yells at everyone.  The gals give us gratuitous bikini scenes, there will be a shower, water skiing, swimming, running for their lives, and frolicking.  Uh oh...one by one, some slasher takes offense to the sextet being in Maine and starts offing them.  Now the great looking 20 somethings will try to stay alive, try to figure out who the killer is, and try to figure out a way to capture him...or her.  All the while, our bikini babes put on quite the impressive show.

What is it with Maine where the entire population fits the mold of the creepy gas station attendant in classic slasher films?  Are any of these bikini gals too wholesome to be slashed by a maniacal killer?  Is Stephen King, at least in part, responsible for the murders you will see in this film?  Fun and gory...and scary, too, "You Can't Kill Stephen King" is a wonderful horror/comedy that succeeds as both a slasher film and a comedy.  Thanks again to Bob Madia for recommending this one.        

Reality Terror Night, Ghosts vs Babes

"Ghosts vs. Babes" is the name of the reality show being shot in today's film.  Bikini babes to be more exact.  Bikini babes who jiggle and scream...pure ditzes.  Five of them...all in great peril.  They dance together, seduce the film crew, undress a lot, and die very nicely.  Today's feature is 2013's "Reality Terror Night," directed by Jacov Bresler.  Pure gratuitous sleaze, some horror mixed in, and then more gratuitous sleaze.  Hey!  It beats any of this year's Oscar winning films.

Many years ago, Dr. Othello Lazarus (Martin Kove) was found out.  The successful doctor abducted beautiful women and dissected them on a slab in his laboratory.  His goal was to cut out their best parts and recreate his dead wife.  Happens.  Othello is long since dead and Sara (Katherine Norland) is producing a TV reality show called "Babes and Ghosts."  It will be set in the mansion Othello did his dirty deeds.  Of course, the mansion is said to be haunted...it is.  Five bikini babes are cast as the nubiles who will look for the ghosts of the dead women while jiggling and screaming in their bikinis.  The beauties are Roxy (Joanna Zanella), Tina (Lucy Treadway), Summer (Shana May Jackson), Martha (Maribel Montalvo), and Amy (Connie Chen).

Others of interest are hunk co-producers, Greg (Olive Rayon) and Matilda (Maris Croatto).  The festivities begin and immediately Sara is possessed by Othello's ghost.  Then there is the hunk photographer, Jojo (Vincent Rivera).  He has his favorite...Roxy.  The two find every opportunity for make-out and sex sessions.  The girls jiggle and giggle and will even look for ghosts.  Uh oh...the only ghost is Othello's and he wants all the bikini babes gutted or slashed.  Uh oh again, the sultry Matilda, Jojo, and Greg aren't safe either.  The possessed Sara is brutal and the bikini babes will hardly be able to put up any resistance...but they do gratuitous nicely.

Of the five bikini contestants, will any of them survive until the end credits?  Isn't "Babes and Ghosts" something you would watch over the imbecilic "90 Day Fiancé."?  Will Othello's wife ever get built and will she have say over which boobs will be used?  Important questions, I know.  For some gratuitous fun and gore see "Reality Terror Night." 

The Mennonite of the Living Dead, Amish Ghoul vs. Orgy

Wait!  Mennonite or Amish?  Given this was filmed in 2019, this question is not important.  Huh?  Just go with it.  Amish...do they give you the creeps?  Perhaps they are subjects of your fetishes.  Maybe your anxiety dreams are filled with judgmental bearded men chafing the wheat.  In any case, Clayton Spinney has given us a film that plays havoc with all of this, 2019's "The Mennonite of the Living Dead."

Jeremy (Jefffey S. Mueller) and his wife Stacey (Mor Hall) are in a stalled marriage.  At the urging of their BDSM laden friends, Matt (Marcus Lawrence) and Andrea (Molly Moss) they agree to attend an orgy in a cabin in the middle of the woods.  There will be a lot of sex, sex toys, bondage, and even some homosexual and lesbian experiments.  Before the guests arrive, Matt and Andrea do a weird Goth/BDSM game while Andrea shoves a ***** in Matt's ****.  This causes blood to flow into a pentagram and drip to the basement where it drips on an old Bible.  The Bible belonged to a long dead Amish (Steven Lowry) sap.  When the blood hits it, he rises from the dead and grabs a sickle.  Also joining the orgy are Kevin (Joshua Saunders) and Chastity (Ginger Miroy).

The orgy starts out awkward.  A pizza guy delivers a few pizzas and is then killed by the Amish ghoul.  The ghoul will castrate the poor fellow and use his tally-whacker for a weird Amish practical joke.  Then the ghoul goes after the orgy participants.  Disembowelment and humiliation seem important to this guy, as barn raising may have been a hundred years ago.  One by one the perverted friends fall to a swinging sickle.  Is there anyway to end this horror and survive to the end credits?  Stacey has an idea...one of the worst in movie history...but it just may work.

Is this film anymore disrespectful to the Amish than say..."Witness"?  What exactly does go on at these barn raisings that draws every Amish in the village to attend?  Are ghoulish Amish slicing up perverts a staple on the Lancaster, Pennsylvania crime reports?  For the best film about Amish, or Mennonites, over the past few years, see "The Mennonite of the Living Dead."   

Skylines, Hey! Rhona Mitra is in it!

She is!  There is nothing like Rhona Mitra firing machine guns and pistols and murdering monsters.  We just don't get enough of this lately.  As billions of monsters converge on her, she heads right at them with her guns.  You just can't beat this.  This is what James Cameron's "Titanic" lacked.  So, today's feature, 2020's Skylines, directed by Liam O'Donnell.  The rest of the movie?  Well...did I mention Rhona Mitra and her machine guns and pistols?

The plot.  I have no idea.  I, like most of you, steered clear of the first four "Skyline" films.  From what I gather, Rose (Lindsey Morgan) is a tough babe who is half Harvester alien.  Harvesters?  The bad aliens.  She is haunted by her past even though she saved humanity...don't ask, you'd probably have to see those other movies.  She will be matched with a bunch of hunks including the buff Leon (Jonathan Howard). They will be sent to the Harvesters' planet to retrieve a core...don't ask.  Meanwhile, Dr. Mal (Mitra), a heavily armed doctor is working to find a cure for a disease killing the pilots.  The pilots?  You know, they fly things or introduce TV series...but they're good and we don't want them to die.

Okay, Rose and her team get to the alien planet and find themselves fighting more than one monster species.  She'll use weird weapons that grow out of her to fight tentacled monsters.  Back on earth, Dr. Mal has to grab firearms and ward off billions of enemy alien invaders.  May I say, Ms. Mitra has very toned arms, and they come through here.  Massive weird spaceships, laser weapons, bombs, menacing tentacles, and the good old fashioned knife.  These two battlefronts will merge into an explosive and vicious conclusion.

Though on the same side, will Rhona Mitra engage in a catfight with Lindsey Morgan?  Does Rhona Mitra ever run out of ammunition?  Does the plot even matter when Rhona Mitra has multiple firearms and kills many monsters?  I somehow think not seeing the first four "Skyline" movies may be an advantage in enjoying this one.  See "Skylines" and enjoy the show and Rhona Mitra.

   

Dark Ritual, HP Lovecraft Meets Poltergeist

Nothing says HP Lovecraft better than a tentacled creature emanating from other dimensions associated with our deep subconscious.  Important part there...tentacled creature.  We have one in this film...a gooey and drippy thing with jaws and appendages that can impale or cut.  Perhaps a metaphor for western civilizations trend toward a Bohemian social experimentation that is sucked down a vortex of carnal impurities.  Okay, that last sentence was merely to show you all I can use ten dollar words.  Today we look at 2021's "Dark Ritual," directed by Chris Warren.

As our film begins Jennifer (Natali Jones) seems hopelessly insane under the care of the sultry Dr. Katya (Debbie Rochon).  What happened?  Well, here it is.  As children, Jen and her brother Brian (Sean Brison) were witness to something horrific.  Now both are college grads and Brian is doing post-graduate work in some anthropological field of study concerning Mayans.  Before you yawn, Brian goes missing, or pulled into another dimension by the aforementioned slimy tentacled creature.  Now Jen is called to the house and seeks to find Brian.  This search won't go well as apparitions from the other side, claiming to be Brian, manifest.  These things look like half-eaten Brian and soon become menacing, beckoning Jen to come on over to the other side.

Got it?  Good.  Whatever Mayan deity that was awakened has taken over the house Brian went missing from.  The house is part of the creature.  Jen is able to find clues to all these goings on by the television.  Brian's last moments appear on the TV and Jen sees what happened.  Now Jen has a weird idea...not a good one...but she must have seen the movie "Poltergeist."  Now Jen is hunted by this creature.  Her only desire is to free Brian from its clutches.  In the mean time, the thing munches on Brian's and Jen's friends...some naked at the time.

Okay, enough.  Great creature effects and Debbie Rochon alone make this a must see.  If you like HP Lovecraft plots, this is a movie for you.  We wonder, as we watch this ambitious plot, if Jen will don a dominatrix outfit much like Barbara Crampton did in a similar film, "From Beyond."  Not that this would have enhanced the plot...but, hey...why not?  For an icky creature flick with multi-dimensional aspects, see "Dark Ritual."   

   

Easter Bunny Massacre, Death By Chocolate Eggs

Death by chocolate...a neat dessert at Bennigan's?  Yes, and also an original means of murder for a slasher in today's feature, 2021's "Easter Bunny Massacre" (aka "Easter Killing"), directed by Jack Peter Mundy.  A quirky slasher tale in which discriminating horror fans may be able to guess the killer.  Still, some neat babes and hunks highlight this bloody film.  Never before has the Easter Bunny been treated in such a bloody manner.  All this thanks to our buddies at Jagged Edge Productions. 

Terrific slasher plot.  Graduating high school, sultry babes and handsome hunks go on a camping trip.  Heather (Antonia Willhans), clad in a leopard print tight party gown and her mates drink, do ecstasy, and make-out.  Uh oh...Heather knows a secret about each one of them that makes them all susceptible to blackmail.  During drunken revelry, Heather is murdered by a fiend in a bloody bunny mask.  No one has a memory of what happened, thus Heather's killer is a mystery to all her friends.  One year later, all her surviving mates, who dumped her body and never mention her, receive Easter invitations to a wooded cabin for a party weekend. The idiots agree to attend...mistake.  All, except one, Zara (Sarah Alexandra Marks), who mysteriously committed suicide six months previous.

The reunion is tense, to say the least.  The nubile and sultry Amy (May Kelly) brings her brother, Marty (Lee Hancock) and Neil (Tom Nguyen) brings his sultry GF Maria.  Uh oh...someone is dropping Easter eggs containing riddles.  The babes and hunks are panicked because it appears they are left by the dead Heather.  The clues get threatening and demand the killer confess or everyone dies, one by one.  No one confesses, and one by one, the babes and hunks are murdered by this fiend in a bloody bunny mask.  Good for the makers of this film, many of the babes are dressed quite alluringly, in either tight party dresses or leather pants...not quite wilderness attire...I guess if they're going to die horribly, may as well have them look stunning.  One by one they go.  Guns, baseball bats, chocolate (you'll see), and rope will be utilized in some neat murder scenes.

Is Heather really dead...or Zara?  Will Amy in her leather pants or Janey (Sarah T. Cohen) in her tight party dress be deemed too beautiful to die horribly?  Okay, dumb question.  Will there be bloody hook-ups or overdue catfights as the friends fall?  A stunning cast with some nice kills, and an ambitious final reveal make "Easter Bunny Massacre" one of the best slasher films of the 21st century. 

  

Snake, Humongous Viper and Other Creatures Eat China

We have one from China today.  While Hollywood gives us irrelevant drivel that pains us...China is giving us monsters and babes...yes!!!  If you think that island King Kong is from (Skull Island) is menacing, wait until you see the monster infested island in today's feature.  Directed by Zhenzhao Lin we have 2018's "Snake" (aka "Snakes," which is a better title).  Oh!  These snakes?  They're like 500 feet long.  They aren't even the ickiest part of this film. 

Lin (Naomen Eerdeni) has just been fired from his elementary school teaching job.  This is sad because his cute little girl is dying of cancer.  That same day a wealthy and evil industrialist hires him to join an expedition to an uncharted island in search of the blood apple.  The blood apple?  It cures cancer and was thought to be a myth.  The industrialist is also dying of cancer.  A river boat brings them to the island and inland.  A large army unit is along for security...they won't stay a large unit too long.  Also along is a babe doctor, Lin Ro (Huang Kai-Lun).  Of more interest to us is a sultry warrior soldier babe, no name, but she is hot (Zhang Yue).  This warrior babe had a big knife, sweats a lot, kills lots of monsters, you'll see, and even charges the beasts, hops on their backs and stabs them repeatedly.  If China has a few more like her, Taiwan is history.

Even before they get inland, millions of flying piranha attack our party.  The toothy fish wipe out half the army.  Eventually, the survivors make it to the embarkation point.  The giant snakes eat more soldiers.  Lin proves quite the man as he gets Lin Ro and warrior babe to fall in love with him...yes!  Okay, they have quite the trek inland to find the blood apple and exploding fruit (really), man-eating plants, prehistoric fireflies, and more snakes will dwindle further the number of soldiers.  As warrior babe swaths some more while killing monsters, and Lin saves Lin Ro's behind a few times, it becomes apparent that the mega snakes don't intend to allow our party to get their hands on the curative blood apple.

Will the nubile and sweaty warrior babe engage in a gratuitous catfight with the nubile and vulnerable Lin Ro over the affections of Lin?  Are the huge vipers that eat Chinese soldiers a metaphor for western culture's attempt to soil the pristine Chinese youth?  This is a fine monster movie and the jungle setting is wonderful.  From the millions of flying piranha to the mega snakes, there are always creatures lurking in this film.  Ignore Hollywood's idiocy and dive into some Asian monster movies by watching "Snake."       

Superdeep, Russia's Attempt at The Thing

I get it...you stand with The Ukraine, even though you can't find it on the map.  Well today, let us stand with Russia in this Shudder original film "Superdeep."  This 2020 film, directed by Arseny Syuhin, may be the best attempt to recreate much of the horror from "John Carpenter's The Thing."  So go ahead...boycott Shudder, grab an AK-47, head to Kiev, and make sure you do TikTok videos from the front line...me?  I'll stand with Russia here and watch a great horror film.

The Soviets (this takes place in the 1980s) have a borehole near Murmansk that goes almost 40,000 feet down into the Earth.  What is down there?  Well, that's the problem.  The scientific team down there has either apparently gone crazy or been killed.  A disease has spread.  Thus Russia's best epidemiologist, Anya (Milena Radulovic), a Russian babe, has been called in.  She's haunted still by failing to develop a vaccine for a disease that killed her man after she used human test subjects.  Unlike our Dr. Fauci, Anya has a conscience.  She gets to the site at the same time as a suicidal scientist runs out of the facility.  The guy has a grenade and tries to destroy the new team that has arrived but dies in the process.  His remains indicate he was no longer human...you'll see.

Now Anya and the team meet head scientist, Grigoriev (Vadim Demchog).  He is helpful at first, but as he brings the newbies down into the borehole, tries to kill them.  Now he is on the loose.  When the team arrives at the deep underground lab, they meet some scientists, including the pretty Olga (Darya Shagal) and Kira (Albina Chaykina).  Anya need not worry, these two babes won't remain pretty for long.  Anya soon realizes the disease that played havoc with the borehole personnel is actually a parasite that infested the crew and...well, you'll see...it'll be ghastly.  She also realizes that whatever is growing and consuming down in those depths can never be allowed to make it to the surface.  Even worse, the thing does everything it can to get up to the surface.  Sound familiar.

You'll see the horrific results of this parasite when it infests Russian babes and other scientists.  It'll be icky and menacing.  Will Anya risk being infected and engage in catfights with Olga and Kira?  Will the weird lifeform from the deep manage to make it to the surface?  If the CDC and Dr. Fauci were in the borehole, would this parasite have gone global in record time?  So sign your anti-Russia pledges, put up that milquetoast blue and yellow flag, adopt a Ukrainian refugee (who is actually from Africa or the middle east), and we won't let anyone know you watched "Superdeep."      

Marabunta: Kingdom of Ants, Bugs Eat Alaska

She's ravishing!  Julia Campbell plays Laura, a beauty who declares war on the insect world.  The babe, get this, arms herself with a shotgun (okay, I admit, not the best weapon to fight billions of ants) and...you'll love this...loads it with Magnesium rounds!  What are Magnesium rounds?  I'm not sure...but what sounds more alluring that "babe with Magnesium rounds in her shotgun"?  Oh, the innuendo!  Today we look at a straight to video epis, 1998's "Marabunta:  Kingdom of the Ants," directed by Jim Charleston and George Manasse.

Don't scrutinize the plot too much, here...remember...we have a babe with Magnesium rounds in her shotgun...just remember that.  Killer South American ants emerge in Alaska...trillions of them...and they're hungry.  They eat a hunk and babe honeymooning tandem...very sad.  Just by coincidence, a brilliant and handsome entomologist visits Alaska then for fishing.  Jim (Eric Lutes) is our bug scientist and he buddies up with the sheriff after skeletons are found.  Our sheriff, Sheriff Croy (Mitch Pileggi).  Croy is happy to have a bug guy in town and fixes him up with a cabin next to the beautiful Laura.  The two hit it off and make lots of goo-goo eyes at one another.  The ants get aggressive and eat half the police force.

Jim, Laura, and Croy team up and make a whole bunch of bad decisions that get so many people eaten by hordes of ants.  No matter, Laura is gonna find some Magnesium rounds for her little shotgun.  These won't do much, but what a pick-up line, "I have Magnesium rounds!"  Okay, guys. stop drooling.  Eventually a series of bad decisions causes Laura and Jim to get themselves into some dangerous situations.  Okay, the ending...remember, don't judge, here... after all, the babe has Magnesium rounds for her shotgun.

Will hunk scientist Jim find out more abut Laura than her proclivity for Magnesium rounds?  Will Magnesium rounds replace oysters and chocolate covered strawberries as the aphrodisiac of the new millennium?  What are South American killer ants doing in Alaska?  Okay, sorry, forget that last question.  When babes have Magnesium rounds, well, those ants can go to the moon for all we care.  For some fine straight-to-video fun, see "Marabunta:  Kingdom of the Ants."