Death Run, Before The Walking Dead

Though it has waned since then, the 1980s were a hot time for the anti-nuclear movement.  Helen Caldicott of Physicians for Social Responsibility was a frequent speaker at college campuses reminding students that one nuclear bomb could ruin their whole day.  Just as fervent was the pace at which films hit the screen depicting apocalyptic wastelands after the nuclear holocaust.  1987's "Death Run" is our feature today.  Though Michael J. Murphy, the film's writer and director, probably had no idea his work would inspire the hottest television show decades later, "Death Run" (made in the United Kingdom) may have done just that.

With nuclear war imminent, a scientist (Kay Lowery) puts her son Paul (Rob Bartlett) and his girlfriend  Jenny (Wendy Parsons) in cryogenic sleep for 25 years.  The lovers wake to a world decimated by nuclear war. Bad news: Merry old England is populated by mutant zombies with pulsating sores on their faces and an evil tribe headed by a Nazi, bisexual, deformed warlord called the Messiah (Patrick Olliver). Our youthful lovers are captured by the Messiah's tribe. The Messiah is a Negan type figure and proceeds to brutally rape Jenny in a most awkward scene.  Thanks to a tight leather mini-skirt babe named Barbara (Debbi Stevens), Jenny, Paul, a man known as Hero (Eddie Kirby) and herself escape;. Uh oh, the world outside Messiah's city isn't that much better.

As our quartet flee from those pulsating zombies and Messiah's henchmen, they take refuge with a camp of rebels.  Double uh-oh, these aren't rebels, and they proceed to eat Jenny (...no worries, she was kind of annoying).  Horrified, the now trio realize they must return to the city and kill the Messiah.  Their plan is far-fetched, but just may work.  To succeed, Paul must be captured and be put through the dreaded Death Run!

What does the Death Run have in store for Paul? Did Jenny have good taste?  Will blonde, futuristic bimbo Barbara be more to Paul's liking?  No spoilers here, but as cheesy and basic as this plot is, fans of The Walking Dead will note plenty of plot devices utilized by the hit AMC show.  Plenty of gore and neat looking pulsating zombies keep this film watchable.  For those of us disappointed in season 7 of "The Walking Dead," "Death Run" is a fabulous alternative.

Death Race 2050, Carnage in a Globalist World

After seeing many IMDB viewer reviews claiming 2017's "Death Race 2050" was the worst film ever made, I just had to see it.  Those reviewers must not have seen "Rogue One."  Then again, no one appreciates Roger Corman like I do.  The B movie icon produced this one. Whether a sequel to "Death Race 2000" or a re-boot, this tongue-and-cheek satire is packed with social commentary and gut-flying gore.

The world is now ruled by corporations.  The U.S. landscape has changed.  The good-peeps of this country now live in a neglected wasteland and automation has hiked the unemployment rate to 99%. Washington, DC has been relocated to Dubai, and to keep the great unwashed masses from revolting, the government addicts them to the Death Race.  This contest features five cars travelling across the continent, and racers earn points for mowing down pedestrians (after all, this race also helps keep the population under control).  Frankenstein (Manu Bennett) is everyone's favorite racer.  He, as are the other contestants, is matched up with a contest winner proxy, Annie (Marci Miller).

The race begins and lots of citizens are mowed down as their intestines go flying.  Jed Perfectus (Burt Grinstead) is Frank's main rival.  Jed is a genetically engineered man struggling with his sexuality.  Tammy the Terrorist (Anessa Ramsey) is a babe and radical evangelical.  She begins the race by blowing up Section G of the stadium.  But wait, a group of freedom fighters seeks to destroy all the racers.  Malcolm McDowell plays the corporate ruler of the world and Yancy Butler plays his apparent rival, Alexis, head of the rebels.  The racers go through such cities as New Shitsville (formerly Baltimore) and Walmartinique (formerly Arkansas).  We are told this area of middle America smells like BBQ and bed sores. As the carnage increases we learn Annie is actually a freedom fighter sent to kill Frank.  Uh oh, our beautiful rebel begins to fall in love with Frank.  Double uh-oh, rebel leadership might be in bed (literally and figuratively) with the Corporation.

Will Frank and Annie figure out that they both are racing into betrayal? Will the 99% find inspiration from Death Race to rise up against the one per-centers? Available on Netflix, "Death Race 2050" is the perfect film to bring back your balance if you were unfortunate enough to be dragged to "La La Land."

Mardi Gras Massacre, Aztec Psycho vs. Women of the Night

As New Orleans prepares for Mardi Gras, perhaps 1978's "Mardi Gras Massacre" can act as a training video.  Gratuitous, in violence and nudity, to the max, this film captures the essence of this Big Easy celebration...frivolity and decadence.  With over-the-top gore and misogyny, our film today teeters on a corny romance and a horror gore-fest in which lovely women have their organs torn out of their torsos.  True, some may darkly call this an appropriate metaphor for the festivities occurring in this historic city just before Lent.

For the most part, Aztec High Priest-wannabes are a valuable ingredient in an ever diverse society.  However...when Mardi Gras appears on their calendar, it is possible for anti-social behavior to manifest. Such happens here as John (William Metzo) walks into a bar (...no, not a joke) and asks for the most evil prostitute in the room. In the first instance he brings Shirley (Laura Misch Owens) home, has her strip, ties her to an altar, dons Aztec garb, rubs sacred oil all over her, and cuts her abdomen before reaching in and yanking her heart out.  This scene is repeated with more prostitutes later on.

The New Orleans Police are on the case, more specifically Detective Hebert ( Curt Dawson). Following up on clues takes a back seat to finding dates for our horny detective. Instead of questioning Shirley's prostitute pals, Hebert starts romancing her pal Sherry (Gwen Arment). Sherry and Hebert fall in love.  They laugh...they frolic...they have lots of pre-marital sex...and yes, they eat lots of beignets  at Cafe Du Monde. As John continues to go through prostitutes like crap through a goose, we sense that he has something grand planned for Fat Tuesday.  Is Sherry part of this plan? If she is, will Hebert begin tracking down clues?

Is the judgmental portrayal of Aztecs a mere example of the establishment Catholic bias against religions using human sacrifice?  Is the prostitution trade in New Orleans a more exact way of finding a date for cops than Match.com?  With lots of ominous gore and shoddy camera work, "Mardi Gras Massacre" went down as a 1970s drive-in favorite.  Not for the weak of stomach, but a great elixir for those of you who were dragged to see "La La Land."

The Rezort, The After-Party of the Apocalypse

As the latest season of "The Walking Dead" on AMC disappoints, in ratings and action, we all wonder if the zombie sub-genre of horror needs a hiatus.  Have film makers run out of good ideas for these films?  Are we at the point where nothing about the living dead can shock us?  Perhaps.  On a less intellectual level, today we look at 2015's "The Rezort."  Directed by Steve Barker, this film (appearing now on Netflix) may not change the minds of critics of modern zombie films, but in all fairness, this flick does a lot that is refreshing.  The strength of this film is that it is unapologetic about being an action film, maybe resembling a video game.  "The Rezort" eschews all temptation to fill up the 90 minutes with a soap opera drama.

The war is over. Human casualties numbered two-billion.  Relatively cheap outcome for a zombie apocalypse.  The war on zombies, like all wars, left it's share of scars.  Hence The Rezort!  A remote island where survivors can go and continue killing the living dead. The virus dissipated, but our island has a cache of thousands of zombies.  In a very controlled wilderness environment, hunters converge on this paradise to have guided safaris (...zafaris, actually) in pursuit of the formerly us. Melanie (Jessica De Gouw), struggling to come to terms of the loss of her dad arrives here with her fiance Lewis (Martin McCann).

The Rezort, run by the mysterious billionaire philanthropist Wilton (Clair Goose) is a Fantasy Island type setting.  Five-star amenities and guided hunts.  Uh oh, the lovely Sadie (Elen Rhys) sabotages the island's computers and now all locks are opened, all fences are down, and a handful of hunters must now engage in a fair fight against thousands of fiends.  The main resort is overrun in no time, but our handful of hunters, led by the mysterious Archer (Dougray Scott) attempt to make their way to safety.  Racing against a doomsday clock (you'll see), our group shrinks in number.  Uh oh, in their quest to safety, Archer, Melanie, and a handful of survivors discover some horrific truths about The Rezort.

Why did Sadie sabotage The Rezort?  What are the real motivations of Wilton and The Rezort?  Is the zombie outbreak really confined to this remote island?  Even those who detest this film,will love the cast of tens of thousands type ending.  For some mindless (after all, it is a zombie film) fun. catch "The Rezort"..or be a wuss and let your spouse drag you to "La La Land.".

Romeo's Distress, Shakespeare meets Poe

No phrase inspires a restraining order like, "...nothing will keep us apart." Ah, but we live in such a cynical time where we implore our children to be careful and mistrust everyone.  In a more romantic time the aforementioned words inspired great love stories. Hundreds of years ago, inspired by the nubile Anne Hathaway, and a poetic youthfulness, William Shakespeare wrote "Romeo and Juliet."  A tale of forbidden love falling victim to social norms and the cynicism of our elders.  More than 400 years after that tragedy, Jeff Frumess has made a Gothic horror film called "Romeo's Distress."

In a surreal beginning, we meet our modern day Romeo and Juliet.  They are Jane (Kimberely A. Peterson) and James (Anthony Malchar).  A syrupy sweet couple exuding love and bliss out of every pore.  Not all is seashells and balloons, however. Ominous circumstances commence as Jane's dad. Dale (Jeffrey Alan Solomon) sends his henchman, Bobby (Adam Stordy) after him.  In James' zeal to love Jane forever, he will suffer numerous beatings ordered by Dale.

As Dale ramps up his efforts to deter James' hormones, we the viewer develop a very uncomfortable feeling about what is really going on.  No spoilers here, but horror fans will see that director Jeff Frumess has been influenced by, not only Shakespeare's story, but by George Romero, Edgar Allan Poe, and perhaps David Lynch. A love story?  Perhaps.  A horror film?  Oh yes.  As the 'love story' continues, you will get increasingly squeamish about what is developing on that silver screen.

Seize the day...or Carpe Diem!  Anything and everything in the cause of love!  That may work in romance novels, but in the world of Gothic horror...well...you'll see how that ends.  Mr. Frumess keeps us gasping and uncomfortable (there's that word again).  The performances are terrific and cinematography adds to the feeling of ominous dread that is obviously approaching.  Perhaps an anti-Shakespeare take on the classic tragedy.  Or, perhaps "Romeo's Distress" is an appropriate horror re-imagining of "Romeo and Juliet."  After all, the ending of the Shakespeare work is horrific.
To find "Romeo's Distress" on Facebook click on this link Facebook Romeo
To see the trailer, click on this link Romeo Trailer

Grizzly 2: The Concert, Bear Monster vs. Valley Girl

Children of the 80s (especially teenage boys) fell in love with Deborah Foreman after she starred in "Valley Girl." Even Siskel and Ebert were drooling when showing a clip of that film in which Ms. Foreman was wearing a bikini. But wait!  How many of you know that this valley girl had another film hit the silver screen in 1983? Any guesses?  Here's a hint...this movie introduced Laura Dern and George Clooney.  Yep..."Grizzly 2: The Concert." No teenage drama here, but lots of limbs flying, faces clawed, and dismemberment highlight this horror film. Don't get too excited about Dern and Clooney, they are dissected (as is their pal Charlie Sheen) and eaten by the grizzly just after Ms. Dern does a striptease to Michael Jackson's 'Billy Jean.'

Laura Dern begins her striptease

A grizzly rips apart George Clooney, Laura Dern, Charlie Sheen, two babe campers, a poacher, and a ranger. The mayor of the mountainside community (Louise Fletcher) refuses to admit a killer mammal is loose, as a big concert is planned which will bring in lots of revenue.  The head ranger, Nick (Steve Inwood), assembles more rangers and hunters to kill this boating accident.  His main squeeze, the annoying scientist Sam (Deborah Raffin) insists they not kill the creature but tranquilize it instead...will genius never cease?  Also in on the fun are some redneck poachers and a Quint like hunter, Bouchard (John Rhys-Davies).  As more fall to the bear, the huge rock concert is underway.

Deborah Raffin, Bear activist 

Okay, Chrissy (Foreman).  She is Nick's love-struck daughter.  The sweet and very cute girl is hired as a gofer by the concert promoter and spends a lot of time drooling over rock musicians and looking very sweet and cute.  As Sam and Bouchard spar over the proper way to neutralize this furry threat, Chrissy keeps looking sweet and cute. Alas, the crazed beast heads toward the concert where Barbie Wilde and her robotic girl band perform and Chrissy keeps doing sweet and cute things.  Will the poachers, the posse, Sam, and Bouchard be able to stop the fiend before it crashes the concert? Will the very sweet and cute Deborah Foreman survive the claws of the devil bear?

Barbie Wilde performs

You might be asking yourself 'how did I miss  this one?'  Filmed in Hungary in 1983, the film makers did not pay their bills to Hungarian vendors, hence all footage was seized by that government. For almost 25 years this film was a mere rumor until it mysteriously showed up on the internet in '07. This info courtesy of IMDB. Gore, cheesiness and some very entertaining (debatable) music ensue.  Take heart you George Clooney fans, "Grizzly 2" is a much better film than "Solaris."  Ice cream sundae fans will love the sweetness and cuteness of Deborah Foreman.  Enjoy, and feel free to hunt down CDs of Barbie Wilde's robotic techno all-girl band.

Attack of the Killer Shrews!, You Shrews, You Lose

There is nothing tame about these shrews.  Unlike Shakespeare's shrews, 2016's "Attack of the Killer Shrews!" brings us blood, carnage, cheesy special creature effects, and annoying mascot drama (you'll see, but it is quite satisfying).  In this Ken Cosentino film, an epic re-imaging of the 1959 classic hits our screen in bright, splattered red.  With a hearty endorsement from Troma's Lloyd Kaufman, some hot babes, mad scientists, square jawed heroes, the military, and toothy creatures converge in horrific comedy.

The original "Attack of the Killer Shrews" is a MST3K classic.  A horror film with many unintentional comedic elements.  In Mr. Consentino's film, the comedy isn't so unintentional.  Fear not, lots of blood will be sprayed and plenty of creatures, over-the-top cheesy as they might be, prance throughout this entire work.  Initially, the plot of these two films is similar.  After a mad scientist's (Mick O'Keefe) experiment goes wrong and unleashes a horde of dog sized shrews on a community, a professor's home is the first to be invaded.  Professor Perry (Jonathan Rogers), the world's greatest scientist (just ask him), is hosting a small party.  His agent, Lewis (Marcus Ganci-Rotella), his babe Cassandra (Cheryl Szymczak), the sultry B movie queen Fiona Rae (Elizabeth Houlihan) and the sheriff (Bill Kennedy) are in attendance.

The shrews, just like zombies, have a penchant for getting in, and soon the professor's home is infested.  After a bloody battle indoors, the party goers flee.  Uh oh, the shrews are now all over town. Perry man's up and utters the heroic phrase, "I have a score to settle with some shrews, and I have a pocket full of shells."  As the sexy Cassandra screams, Fiona Rae man's up and together with the sheriff begin taking the fight to the vermin.  But wait!  The military arrives.  These guys aren't exactly the SEALs, and their strategy may do more harm than the shrews.  Will this western New York community survive the shrews, the military, and a shotgun wielding professor?  Will Fiona Rae make her next screen test?

The ending will be bloody and explosive and on a grander scale than "Dr. Strangelove." Though a comedy, Mr. Consentino obviously possesses a respect for the original B horror film from 1959. The shrews are hilarious looking and are enhanced by the comedic acting of the protagonists.  All the acting is first class and I tip my hat to Ms. Houlihan's portrayal of a 1950s type scream queen (this blog loves scream queens).  Visit the website of "Attack of the Killer Shrews!" by clicking on this link Killer Shrew Movie

Spaceship Terror, Maniac Cannibal Butcher vs. Sweaty Space Babes

Ahhh! Nothing like the horror/scifi/exploitation sub-genre in film.  We have to give 2011's "Spaceship Terror" creator, Harry Tchinski, a lot of credit.  Not only does he place six space babes on a cavernous space ship, but he also turns the temperature up to 115 degrees so the lovelies will have to strip to their undies while being hunted by a cannibal fiend. The nubile and sweaty beauties of "Spaceship Terror" will be in for fates worse than death.

A spaceship carrying five babes and their captain (Stephen Lestat) crash lands on a remote planet. Uh oh, the rescue ship lands and the six take refuge on it.  Immediately, the captain is skewered and drilled, to the horror of the women.  Laura (Kristen Springer) seems to be in command now.  The ladies find Chris (Emma Lee Nguyen), another space babe, on the ship.  Chris is half insane and claims she has been prisoner on the ship for two years.  The doors lock and the Terror takes off. Chris has more bad news.  It seems a butcher/cannibal maniac (Jay Wesley Cochran) likes to hunt women.

The games start.  One of the babes, Annie (Ronda Olshefski) is taken.  Her fate is too horrific to be put into words, but we can say she would have been better off dead.  As Laura pumps Chris for more intel on their tormentor, the ladies develop a plan to fight back.  In executing this plan more of the damsels will be subject to unimaginable torture, rape, humiliation, cannibalism, and mutilation...all while still alive.  As Mia (Yulia Hencheroff) is decapitated and quartered, the half insane Chris tries to help her new friends.  Alas, our maniac stays one step ahead of his prey and keeps them unhinged by letting them see what he does to the ones he captures.  Kelly (Jenny Lin) will suffer a double humiliating death, which will not be fast.

 Will any of our damsels survive?  Is "Spaceship Terror" a horrific metaphor of the sexual harassment that permeates NASA?  In addition to fending off a monster, will the space babes seize the opportunity to engage in some spirited cat-fights?  "Spaceship Terror" will probably be the goriest film you see in 2017.  Scantily clad and sweaty damsels, a monster slasher, and some tortuous and elongated death scenes make "Spaceship Terror" the best horror/exploitation film to hit DVD in several years.

Space Mutiny, Unanswered Space Babe Questions

For those of us who saw 1988's "Space Mutiny" when it first came out, unanswered questions have plagued us ever since.  The nubile Lieutenant Lamont (Billy Second) presents a macabre query which has haunted us for decades.  The pretty officer is blown away by heavies, but emerges unharmed steering the ship a few minutes later.  How can that be?  Then there is the uncomfortable question of Cisse Cameron.  The actress plays the leading space-babe in this film.  For almost 30 years B movie fans have all been wrestling with an awkward, unspoken question.  Is Cisse Cameron, space-babe, in fact a space-babe, or is she too reminiscent of our grandmothers?  However weird this sounds, her body says one thing, but her face...well...you be the judge.

The Southern Sun (which looks oddly similar to Battlestar Galactica) carries thousands of Earthlings in a 10 light year journey to colonize another world. Trouble...a shuttle's landing on the Southern Sun is sabotaged and only it's captain, Ryder (Reb Brown) survives.  The Sun's commander (Cameron Mitchell) welcomes Ryder aboard, but his daughter Lea (Cameron) is angry at him.  Meanwhile, a psycho officer, Kalgan (John Phillip Law) plots a mutiny on the Sun.  Oh yes, several psychic babes board the ship and have psychic pre-marital sex with male crew members.  As the lead psychic babe warns Cameron of Kalgan's evil intentions, Lea changes her tune and seduces Ryder with a disco and hula-hoop dance...kind of erotic with gratuitous derriere shots, and kin of scary at the same time.

Okay, now this film gets good.  Lea and Ryder witness Kalgan murder the sultry Lt. Lamont. The lovebirds then get  into a major laser gun fight with Kalgan and his henchmen.  During the fight, Lamont is back at her console, recovering nicely from her demise.  As the commander receives more counsel and pre-marital psychic sex from the psychic space babe, Ryder and Lea discover the extent of Kalgan's horrific plan for the colonists aboard the Southern Sun.  As Kalgan has either murdered or corrupted the majority of the Sun's security forces, Lea, Ryder, and some laser guns and rocket launchers take on Kalgan and his thug horde. As Lea and Ryder engage in steamy pre-marital our heroine must beware as she has no idea what Kalgan is about to attempt on her face.

Can the hunk Ryder and the precocious semi-space babe Lea overcome Kalgan's might and evil desires and save the Southern Sun?   Will the psychic space babes trade in psychic pre-marital sex for a more carnal variety of intimacy?  Will Ryder's eyes, which are glued on Lea's body, ever gravitate to her face?  "Space Mutiny," directed by David Winters is a lot of fun.  For those of you fed up with the hype and preachy nature of "Star Wars," this film is a perfect elixir.  Fans of "Battlestar Galactica" will enjoy the space battle scenes, as they are taken directly out of the television series.  

Hide and Go Shriek, Teens, a Slasher, and Furniture

In the tradition of Chopping Mall we have more great looking teens with a brilliant idea.  Instead of a mall, we visit a furniture store where four hunks and four babes have a sure fire idea for an orgy.  When teen-aged hormones talk, nothing can go wrong!  As the lingerie and boxers fly off, decapitations and impalement cannot be far behind. Today we look at 1988's "Hide and Go Shriek," directed by Skip Schoolnik.

Dead woman of the night

They've just graduated high school and their horny.  Only one thing to do...sneak into a furniture store as it closes and have lots of pre-marital sex.  Yeah, I know, we've all done it.  Kim (Annette Sinclair) seems to be the head skank with lots of experience in pre-marital sex.  She has some very slinky linger ie which she lends to virgin Malissa (Ria Pavia).  Enough of the backstories, let's fast-forward to the orgy.  Oh, by the way, some transvestite (Scott Kubay) has knifed a prostitute  (Robin Turk) just after the opening credits. More on him later. As the frolicking begins, head skank Kim has a brilliant idea.  Play Hide and Seek!  Fortunately for our virile and potent teens, this does not hamper their ability to have pre-marital sex.  What does hamper their amorous activities is a slasher that is also in the store.  One by one...yep...you guessed it...the killer starts picking off the teens.

Clueless

In underwear, or boxers, or completely nude, the beautiful begin to fall.  Malissa has her head bashed in and her beau, Shawn (Scott Fults) is spiked, and the carnage begins.  The rest of the kills are quite imaginative, as one poor schmuck will be impaled by a mannequin arm, and another decapitated by an elevator.  Eventually the survivors realize they are being hunted, but by who?  What of the aforementioned transvestite?  Is he in the store?  Throw in another suspect or two and we have a fun version of Hide and Seek.

The Nude Kim in much peril

Will our teens mount a counter-strike and turn the tables on their nemesis?  Will head-skank, and almost always topless Kim suffer the cruelest death of all her friends because of her immoral persona?  Will 1980s Hollywood seek to vilify the psycho-transvestite community in this slasher film?  There will be lots of gratuitous nudity, some exotic strip-teases, imaginative gore, and more gratuitous nudity in this slasher offering.  Ignore all the bore-athons from this month's Golden Globes show and enjoy the carnal pleasures of "Hide and Go Shriek."

Aenigma, Beautiful College Girls in Trouble

What do beautiful college coeds do at all women colleges?  Thanks to 1980s horror films we know.  They hang out in alluring lingerie, talk about pre-marital sex with handsome professors, and maybe throw an occasional pillow.  In 1987's "Aenigma," directed by Lucio Fulci, they also die in tortuous ways. A warning to all you young ladies in college: If pre-marital sex is more of a priority to you than your art history class, you will probably be decapitated while in a state of nudity. If you don't believe me, ask any Italian horror director.

St. Mary's College, where all the students are beautiful young women...except Cathy (Milijana Zirojevic).  This plain Jane young lady has a date with her hunk P.E. professor (Ricardo Acerbi).  It's a prank, unfortunately.  After getting all dolled up, she and her date engage in pre-marital sex in his parked car.  Unbeknownst to Cathy, a microphone broadcasts her moans and coos to all her classmates.  Humiliated, she runs away and is maimed by oncoming traffic.  Now Cathy is all torn up and in a coma in ICU.  Enter Eva (Lara Lamberti), a new coed at the college.  As she enters the dorm, Cathy's spirit enters her body.  Eva is a skank, and seeks to have lots of pre-marital sex, which is just fine with Cathy's spirit.

Eva now begins Cathy's trek to kill all her classmates, and the hunk professor.  With a touch of the supernatural, Eva goes through her classmates like crap through a goose.  In typical Lucio Fulci fashion, many of these kills are of the icky variety.  Virginia (Kathi Wise), for example lay paralyzed and nude on her bed while thousands of snails crawl onto her and into her every orifice.  Back at ICU, Cathy develops a crush on her attending doctor, Robert (Jared Martin).  Thus Eva seduces Martin...over and over again.  The two will have lots of pre-marital sex.  When Eva becomes inconvenient, Robert will have lots of pre-maital sex with Cathy's old room mate, Jenny (Olli Reinthaler).  Now Eva is sent to kill the fair and nubile Jenny.

Will Cathy's quest be completed?  Exactly how is Cathy able to send her spirit to possess Eva?  How about our skank Eva?  Are Eva's goals and Cathy's quest incompatible?  Will the hospital or the AMA subject the horny doctor to sexual harassment or ethics classes?  The kills are imaginative and gory.  Lots of decapitations and gratuitous scenes of young ladies frolicking enhance this Italian horror film. Perhaps "Aenigma" is not one of Fulci's best films, but the snail-kill will stay with you long after the end credits roll.  

The Vampire and the Ballerina, Erotic and Alluring Horror

Erotic and dark are two adjectives that best describe 1960's Italian horror film, "The Vampire and the Ballerina."  Quirky is also a fitting descriptor.  For example, when a troupe of sultry ballerinas find out a vampire is stalking them, they quickly put together an improv routine high on eroticism and ominousness which features the helpless damsels put upon by a dark force.  What initially seems like a standard Dracula-theme plot, quickly takes a turn to add some neat mystery to the story.  Heavy on beautiful, buxom damsels, and maybe a couple of shapely vampires, "The Vampire and the Ballerina," gratuitous and horrific, is a neat take on the vampire legend.

Our beautiful damsels arrive at an inn in a town where local babes have been bitten by a vampire. On their first night, the lovely Brigitte is bitten and turned by a grotesque bloodsucker. The next evening finds Luisa (Helene Remy), her BFF Francesca (Tina Gloriani), and Francesca's fiance, Luca (Isarco Ravaloli) lost and finding refuge in an old castle.  They are greeted by the sultry Countess (Brigitte Castor) and her apparent servant, Herman (Walter Brandi).  When Luisa gets lost in the hallways, she is preyed upon and bitten by that grotesque vampire.  The trio flee the castle, but now Luisa is under the spell of that vampire.

Suspecting that the Countess is...well...maybe a vampire, Francesca tries to warn the other gals about her.  Knowing Francesca is on to them, the Countess, who may be a vampire, Herman, who may be a vampire, and that grotesque vampire set their sights...and fangs on the fair Francesca.  Her tormentors have an ally, the beautiful spellbound Luisa also plots Francesca's demise.  Just who exactly are the vampires, and what do they have in mind?  Are their some spirited cat-fights in store for us in this film?

Heavy on gratuitous and erotic dance scenes, this film highlights some very beautiful actresses...and perhaps a hot vampire or two.  Ballet fans may be a bit disappointed as our troupe more resembles a collection of dance hall damsels than the cast of "Swan Lake."  With a few twists to the standard vampire film plot, "The Vampire and the Ballerina" is a terrific and atmospheric film which can be found on YouTube.

The Lady Terminator, Beware the South Sea Queen

Who, or what, is the South Sea Queen?  Beautiful seductress and ravager of men is a fitting description of this siren.  She lures men to her island castle where she seduces them.  Pre-marital sex follows, but this ends up very bloody for the awe-struck guys.  See, our seductress has an eel living up her...well...you know.  When the man's...well...let's call it a John Thomas...When he slips his John Thomas into the queen's...well, you know...our eel friend turns into a sacred dagger and snips off the poor schmuck's John Thomas.  Today we take a peek at a classic from Indonesia, 1989's "The Lady Terminator."

During passionate sex, a wise sailor steals the aforementioned eel from the queen's...well, you know. Now the queen swears she will exact revenge on his great grand daughter, 100 years later.  Present day:  Tania (Barbara Anne Constable) is a beautiful young college student.  Don't call her a lady or she will snap back, "I'm not a lady, I'm an anthropologist."  This babe dons a string bikini and dives into the South Sea seeking the ancient dagger.  Through some mysterious events, she ends up tied to a bed, spread eagle.  Our eel friend then shoots into her...well, you know.  Now the queen has taken over Tania's body.  The nude Tania then walks up onto shore, finds two hunks, and screws them to death.  Same deal, during intercourse, her eel turns into a dagger and snips off their John Thomas'.

Tania's next task, find the great grand daughter of the aforementioned sailor.  This beautiful women is an Indonesian rock star, Erica (Claudia Angelique Rademaker). Clad in leather, armed with an Uzi, Tania starts blowing away Erica's beautiful friends.  She then arrives at a nightclub in which Erica is performing.  Lucky for Erica, a cop named Max (Christopher J. Hart) saves her.  Uh oh, after being shot dozens of times, Tania gets right back up again and pursues Erica and her new beau. These two will even find time for pre-marital sex and mall hopping while fleeing our babe-killing machine. She'll chase them to a police station, kill all the cops, and keep pursuing our fleeing lovebirds. Immune to bullets, and looking really hot in her tight leather outfit, will anyone be able to stop her from killing Erica?

Dozens will be machine-gunned, and lots of men will end up castrated, but will our beautiful damsel survive the ancient queen's wrath?  Borrowing whole scenes from "The Terminator," "The Lady Terminator" is so much fun.  More gratuitous than the Schwarzenegger film, The ending will delight all horror fans.  A cautionary note, especially to you guys, watch where you put your...well...let's just say keep your John Thomas zippered up when a leather clad beauty, armed with an Uzi comes calling.

The Toolbox Murders, Handyman vs. Nude Women

If you like your horror coupled with sexploitation, 1978's "The Toolbox Murders" beckons. Much of the sexploitation films of the 1970s are frivolous, harmless, and somewhat fun.  Not this one.  Dark, ominous, misogynistic, and very bloody describe this Dennis Donnelly directed film. No guilty giggles or satisfying conclusions here.  Get ready for a film that will shock you at times and never feel obliged to comfort you.

Our fiend?  Cameron Mitchell!  He plays Vance Kingsley, the maintenance man at a working class L.A. apartment complex.  After his beautiful daughter is killed in an auto wreck, he doesn't adjust well.  His daughter was good and pure, and Vance sees all other young women as sinful whores.  Immediately he goes to work.  All his victims are beautiful and naughty.  His first victim is with a drill.  A hammer, screwdriver, and nail-gun will also be put to deadly use.  In one vicious scene, after prancing around nude, Debbie (Marciee Drake) will be hammered to death by Vance. When her beautiful friend Debbie (Evelyn Guerrero) barges into the apartment, she'll suffer the same fate.

 This carnage continues.  Dee Ann (Kelly Nichols), who loves to prance around in her undies while the shades are open, will meet the most gratuitous fate.  She will be slayed by a nail-gun just after she finishes satisfying herself during a steamy bath.  Vance readies to kill Laurie (Pamelyn Ferdin), but when he notices that she is the spitting of his deceased daughter, he abducts her instead.  Now tied to a bed, the psycho Vance torments Laurie believing she is his daughter.  Joey (Nicolas Beauvy), Laurie's brother, is now looking for his sister.  What he finds will shock you all.

Made in 1979, lots of the taboo carnage is implied.  There is every indication that Vance raped the naughty Dee Ann after she assumed room temperature.  Laurie's fate is also a bit ambiguous, but it appears that her captivity horror contained much more than just being tied to a bed.  Not the feel good film of the 1970s, but true horror fans will want o take a peek at "The Toolbox Murders."

Night Shadow, Werewolf Eats Fresno

Okay, 1989's "Night Shadow" has many flaws, but we must remember, there is beauty in the swamp if we look in the right places.  As underwhelming as this film is, horror fans can still find much to like about this work. True...our stunning leading lady, Brenda Vance, looks great, but has no real bearing on the plot.  True...our hunk leading man, Stuart Quan, may be a Kung Fu maven, but he is weirdly clad in a sports bra (don't ask).  Oh yes, let us not forget about Kato Kaelin!  "Night Shadow" may be his best film, though he does get impaled 30 minutes before the ending.

KLOF-TV's Alex Jung (Vance) drives out of L.A. to get some R and R in her hometown, Fresno.  Uh oh, following her is a mysterious drifter (Rick Scott), who is also a werewolf.  Why?  Perhaps because Alex is the reincarnation of a centuries old weird priestess who our lycan is destined to take as his bride.  Or maybe not.  Doesn't matter.  Our werewolf/drifter goes right to work tearing apart many Fresno residents.  Alex seems drawn to him, but she is also drawn to her old beau, the town sheriff (Tom Boylan).  Oh yes, Fresno's version of Bruce Lee, Tai (Quan) is Alex' brother. Hopefully his Kung Fu will be just as effective as a silver bullet.

As the body parts pile up, Alex and the sheriff slowly rekindle their romance.  Meanwhile, Tai discovers the werewolf's lair as his buddies are discombobulated by the creature, including Kato Kaelin.  Our creature appears to be drawing closer to Alex and our sheriff seems unable to figure out his suspect is a monster.  Tai, clad in a sports bra and jeans (don't ask), takes apart a motorcycle gang and an evil deputy on his way to a final conflict with the lycanthrope. Meanwhile, Alex dresses in some very alluring info-babe outfits, spills coffee on her blouse, and flirts with an overworked sheriff. I guess she busted the glass ceiling.

Will Alex get in the way of her brother's efforts to destroy the monster?  Will our monster and ancient prophecy hinder Alex' romance with the sheriff (we've all been there)?  If "Night Shadow" is remade in 2017, will Kato Kaelin be cast as Fresno's mayor?  Lots of faults, no doubt, but "Night Shadow" is an entertaining film.  Instead of paying almost a hundred bucks to bring the whole family to see "Collateral Beauty," enjoy this horror film on YouTube.