Border Patrol, Gotta keep them out!

They're coming!  No, not the refugees or disenfranchised citizens of a bordering nation.  Exactly who they are is never made totally clear in 2016's "Border Patrol."  This short film tackles deeper issues than who we are keeping out, or what the wall is there for.  Yeah, there is a wall guarded by a border patrol unit here, but in this short film, the border may have already been crossed, and not the geographic one.

The invaders are an ominous sort, and to many of us...we'll see them as monstrous.  No spoilers here, but it is obvious our border patrol agents (Kyle Turner and Stan Alto) are desperately trying to preserve something.  Armed with sniper rifles and desire, the oncoming horde seems no match for our marksmen.  Following today's news it is easy to view a border as a line separating two countries. Director Dee McCullay (who did the screenplay for the story written by Andrea Dean Van Scoyoc) may have something else in mind.  Perhaps a border in our own psyche.  In other words, a wall inside our own minds which separates our humanity from being the monster that stirs deep in our subconscious.

This short poses some uncomfortable questions most of us will never have to answer.  Beautifully shot in the wilds of Ontario, "Border Patrol" will leave you with an uneasy sense of who we can become if all that we love and know evaporates into an apocalyptic nightmare. To view "Border Patrol," click on this link Border Patrol .

Day of the Animals, When Animals Attack

Poor Susan Blacklinie.  She is always being put on the buffet for the animal kingdom.  In "Jaws," she portrayed Chrissie.  You remember Chrissie, the skinny-dipper who was eaten by the great white at the start of the film.  Two years later, her fate was even more gruesome.  In 1977's "Day of the Animals" she is mauled by wolves, picked apart by vultures, and then thrown of a cliff by those same birds.  The pretty blonde also served as Linda Day George's stunt double in that same film.

The tasty Susan Blacklinie

Ahhh, where would a decade be without it's version of what will end the planet?  Nuclear bombs kept people on edge in the 1950s, Communism in the 1960s, and today...global warming has us ready to relocate to Mars.  But in the 1970s...come on now, any guesses?  Mercury in our Tuna and aerosol sprays were gonna melt our cells and destroy the ozone layer.  In "Day of the Animals," we are warned in a prologue that what we are about to see could happen if we keep using underarm antiperspirant.  Unfortunately for some hikers, led by the hunk Steve (Christopher George), they will see these effects first hand.  The increased radiation makes all the animals up in the California mountains attack.  Mandy (Blacklinie) will be the first to go.

Leslie Nielsen and Michael Ansara

As Steve and his Indian (the 1970s term for Native American) Daniel (Michael Ansara) try to keep the hikers from panicking, a loose cannon ad-executive, Paul (Leslie Nielsen) goes as mad as the pursuing critters.  Paul will turn into a homicidal rapist, as the snakes, tarantulas, birds, mountain lions, and wolves pursue.  A cute side story occurs as Steve falls in love with his real life wife Linda Day George, who plays Terry.  Uh oh, as our campers desperately try to make it back down the mountain to town, they are unaware that the animals have already eaten most of the citizens.  With Steve's group dwindling, and the army on it's way, can our surviving hikers hold out?

Susan Day and Christopher George with Cujo

What begins as a harmless made-for-TV looking PG flick, quickly turns into a gory and dark horror film.  Some of the kills are horrifying and uncomfortable to watch.  Will man emerge still atop the food chain?  Will Mr. and Mrs. George think twice about a family pet?  This film was decades ahead of the hit reality show "When Animals Attack," but the makers of that show clearly had this film in mind.

Up From the Depths, Sea Monster vs. Swimsuit Shoot

Set in Hawaii and shot in the Philippines, 1979's "Up From the Depths" is one of a billion "Jaws" rip-offs.  IMDB bills this one as a horror/comedy, however I don't think comedy was a goal of the film makers.  Directed by Charles B. Griffith, the overly stereotyped characters may indicate a comedy, but in fairness, perhaps the stereotypes are fair.  For example...is it inaccurate to assume that ditzy swimsuit models are shallow and have inflated egos?  With lots of nudity, gore, and a cool looking sea creature, this film is worth a watch.

As the opening credits roll, our star, Sam Bottoms, has his name flashed on the screen over three bottoms of pulsating hula dancers.  A nice start.  Sandy (Dorothy Burham), a buxom, bikini clad diver, is then chewed up by a monster fish.  Her limited remains, and the remains of a shark wash up on the beaches of the Tropical Palace.  Forbes (Kedric Wolfe) wants to keep this all quiet as he must think of the resort's bottom (there's that word again) line.  The beautiful and nubile Rachel (Susanne Reed), is Forbes' assistant, and she believes the authorities should be contacted.  Because Rachel is not with the program, she can't see that the carnage may have been a boating accident.  As the media converge on the resort, a swimsuit model, Iris Lee (Denise Hayes) arrives.  Iris loves nudity, skinny-dipping, and is an airhead.

As our monster begins dining on more beach-goers, Greg (Bottoms) and his uncle Earl (Virgil Frye) see the horror first hand.  Now Greg and Rachel team up to figure out how to fight the fiend and do it behind Forbes' back.  In one heartbreaking scene, the nude Iris Lee is eaten in front of her cameramen, and hardly anyone sheds a tear.  Unable to hide the monster from the press, Forbes is struck with a brilliant idea.  Tropical Resort will conduct a contest...$1,000 to the guest who kills the fish.  As the guests grab spears, SCUBA equipment, flame throwers (yes!), guns, and other explosive toys, Greg and Rachel team up with a scientist who would like to capture the thing alive.

Will pics of Iris' final photo-shoot grace the pages of a major sports magazine?  Will the fiend be taken alive, or will our scientist be added to it's buffet?  Is our big monster fish a mere metaphor for the plight of the proletariat which will rise up against the one per centers, symbolized by the guests at this luxury resort?  The ending is phenomenal and loud.  You may have seen "Jaws" a hundred times, but do catch this Asian rip-off.  "Up From the Depths" is available on YouTube.

War Goddess, Lesbian Babes vs. The Greeks

Now for some serious sexploitation! 1973's "War Goddess" (aka "The Amazons'") is the story of the great Amazon nation.  Made up wholly of beautiful babe warriors with no need for men.  Biting commentary of the virtues of a feminine society, free of corruption by males?  yeah, yeah...but also some great 1970s sexploitation featuring statuesque babes rubbing sacred oil all over their nude bodies and engaging in cat-fights and passionate lesbian love making.

After a grueling athletic competition, Antiope (Alena Johnston) is appointed new queen of the Amazons'. She won the crown by defeating her arch rival, Orytheia (Sabine Sun) in a nude wrestling match after they rubbed sacred oil over their naked bodies.  No wonder the Rio Olympics were a ratings failure. Not happy at the outcome, Orytheia does anything she can to undermine Antiope's rule, including stealing her lesbian lover.  These two will engage in more nude cat-fights and even a passionate love scene.  Uh oh....the Greeks are coming!  Once a year, the Amazons' pay them to mate and plant seeds...in their wombs.

The Greeks love this chore, and the Amazons detest it....officially that is. Theseus (Angelo Infanti) plants his in Antiope....and much to her chagrin....Antiope likes it.  As the Greeks and Amazons' share mistrust, Antiope becomes infatuated with Theseus.  Orytheia uses Antiope's newfound distraction as a tool to unseat her from the throne.  These two beauties will demonstrate their love-hate relationship in a steamy scene which includes no clothes and the application of sacred oil. Gratuitous lesbian love scenes, gratuitous heterosexual love scenes, some epic war scenes, and political intrigue will bring this film to a violent and passionate conclusion where lots of babes will meet their demise.

Directed by Terence Young, this Italian epic will please the male chauvinists among us, and leave the feminists a bit perturbed.  If re-made in 2016, the ending would be totally different, no doubt, and CGI would replace a cast of thousands.  Available on YouTube, enjoy "War Goddess."

Xtro, Vicious Alien Rapes Euro-Babes

"We want you to portray a Euro-skank who gets raped by a little kid and births alien eggs."  The lovely and very classy Bond-girl Maryam d'Abo (The Living Daylights) had to begin her acting career somewhere.  1982's "Xtro" was just such a film.  Yet the plight of her very unfortunate character sums up this cult horror favorite.  When she heard that above line from director Harry Bromley Davenport, one wonders if she smiled and was aroused...or was she disgusted but figured she needed a paycheck to pay the rent?

Sam's rebirth

Sam (Philip Sayer) is abducted by aliens while playing with his young son, Tony (Simon Nash).  Tony's mom Rachel (Bernice Stegers) doesn't believe Tony and assumes Sam has just run off.  Three years later, Rachel has moved to London with her son and moves in with a younger guy, Joe (Danny Brainin).  Also living with them is Analise (d'Abo), a very frisky nanny who likes to have pre-marital sex.  Uh oh...Sam returns with no memory of the past three years.  What a return it is. A sultry babe is raped by a monster and minutes later gives birth to Sam.  After birth, Sam returns to Rachel.  At first he and Rachel appear to be falling back in love, much to Joe's consternation.  But is this Sam?  He begins exhibiting weird behavior and it becomes apparent he is actually an alien looking to reclaim his son...and much more.

Back to Earth

Sam, or whatever Sam is now, has a plan which involves his son Tony and Analise's womb.  As Analise continues to have pre-marital sex, the viewer realizes her fate will be one worse than death.  Joe and Rachel remain ignorant to what Sam has become, but Tony is given some very alien powers, including the ability to make each one of his toys a homicidal weapon.  As Tony's toys inflict much carnage, the boy has a surprise for the nubile Analise.  What happens to Analise will be one of the most memorable scenes from 1980s horror.  What are Sam's goals?  Will Tony also become a monster?  Is Analise's fate the best argument against pre-marital sex?

Analise and cocoon

Playful and quirky, "Xtro" is also total horror.  As the final credits roll, viewers will be in shock at what just unfolded.  One wonders if Ms. d'Abo was ever told that her role in "Xtro" would be a stepping stone to becoming a Bond-girl.  Made in England, "Xtro" probably crossed many lines into the taboo, but that is what hardcore horror fans prefer.

Blue Monkey, Monster vs. Hospital

Okay, it ain't blue, and it ain't a monkey.  Take heart, because it is infinitely creepier than a smurf/simian.  So why call this 1987 film "Blue Monkey"?  Don't ask.  What is important is that we have a giant bug thing, beautiful damsels in much peril, a grouchy cop trying to save the damsels, an abandoned insane asylum, and a big laser gun.  Okay...a bit choppy perhaps, but these ingredients are mixed to produce an effective horror work containing some images that will stay with you.

An elderly man is brought to a small, run down hospital with plague like symptoms.  Also arriving at this hospital is Detective Bishop (Steve Railsback), accompanying his partner who has just been shot.  The beautiful Dr. Glass (Susan Anspach) treats the sick man and soon finds several patients manifesting the plague symptoms.  Uh oh, a worm like creature comes out of the man's mouth and the fun begins.  Det. Bishop falls in love with the lovely Dr. Carson (Gwynyth Walsh).  Oh yeah, how many run down hospitals do you know that are equipped with miles of underground tunnels and a laser capable of blowing Neptune out of the night sky (no doubt a bi-product of the Reagan Administration's SDI spending)?  This is such a hospital.

Remember that little worm?  It is accidentally fed and grows into a giant ant-like creature.  Our monster abducts the lovely lab technician Alice (Cynthia Belliveau) and her guy as they engage in pre-marital sex.  Their fate?  You'll see, but it is one worse than death.  As the thing continues to grow, it readies itself to lay thousands of eggs.  Dr. Carson and Det. Bishop try to hunt it down and come up with a strategy to kill it.  The beautiful Dr. Glass is charged with studying this new plague and finding a cure.  Oh yes, the military has instituted a Code 4 Quarantine for the hospital and will nuke it in two hours.

Will our good, but grouchy, detective and the two lovely doctors end this horror in time to save County Memorial from being blown to ashes?  What does the monster have planned for that sultry lab tech and her beau?  How about this laser?  Can it destroy anything besides planets and death-stars?  Very slimy and unsettling, "Blue Monkey" is a terrific monster movie from the 1980s.  If bugs give you the heebie-jeebies...well...watch this one with a big can of Raid. One last note: It is unclear if President Obama's Affordable Care Act would have prevented County Memorial Hospital from having a super-laser in their budget.

Castle of the Creeping Flesh, Drunks, Nymphomaniacs, and the Dead

From 1968 West Germany comes "Castle of the Creeping Flesh." A weird tale with lots of nudity and gore, most of the gratuitous kind.  A tale of a bloody family curse that drives a loving father mad with an obsession to bring his beautiful dead daughter back to life.  Yeah, this always works out well.  Throw in a fierce bear, a Gothic castle, some young lovelies bent on finding pre-marital sex, and a mad scientist.  Directed by Adrian Hoven, this is a heart warming tale... wait, what I meant to say is the heart is still warm when it is dug out of one of the aforementioned lovelies.

The Earl of Saxon (Howard Vernon) is a peculiar sort.  He lives in a remote castle deep in the German woods.  He is enduring a family curse.  This curse has a lot of moving parts, but in a nut shell, here it is: The Earl's pretty daughter will be raped and murdered as his evil mistress watches on in orgasmic glee.  Hence the Earl's daughter's corpse is laying in the castle laboratory.  Our sad nobleman is determined to bring her back to life but needs more human organs.  On cue, six misbehaving, but great looking, young people arrive after getting lost in the woods.  They are Vera (Janine Raynaud), her sister Elena (Elvira Berndorff), Marian (Claudia Butenuth), the evil Baron Brack (Michael Lemoine) and the fiances of Elena and Marian (studs of no consequence).

Once in the castle, Vera does a great job at having pre-marital sex with the fiances of her sister and friend.  Oh yes, the Earl realizes that Marian is a spitting image of his daughter.  The guests are let in on the family curse and are shown a wax display of the rape, complete with sound effects (a welcomed adornment to anyone's home).  As the Earl abducts Marian from her bed chamber, Vera has lots of passionate pre-marital sex, and the Baron wrestles with a hungry bear.  Do Marian and her amorous friends have any chance of survival?  Will the Earl's daughter return to life with Marian's organs?

Janine Raynaud steals the show with her beauty and love scenes.  Warning, the surgical scenes are graphic and numerous (this is unfortunate for the lovely Marian).  Weird, quirky, and atmospheric, "Castle of the Creeping Flesh" is a nice catch for discriminating horror fans.  Erotic and gory, fans of this blog will want to find it.  This film is sometimes available on YouTube.

Day of the Dead, The Army vs. Zombies

In 1985 George Romero's "Day of the Dead" hit the silver screen.  Initially, this horror flick was a failure.  Fans of Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" (1979) were cool to this next installment in the great director's zombie series.  Where "Dawn" drove home social commentary with wit and humor, "Day" tried to drive it home with a hammer.  But wait!  As the decades unfolded, horror fans warmed to the 1985 film, and it is safe to say "Day of the Dead" has aged well.  Even Zack Snyder's remake of 1978's "Dawn" became a bigger box office hit than it's 1978 predecessor.  Forget all that, today we take a peek at 2008's "Day of the Dead," which Romero had nothing to do with.

Directed by Steve Miner of "Friday the 13th" fame, our film today is not a sequel or even an installment in Romero's creation.  True, we have the army and scientists and zombies.  Similarities end there, however.  In this one, the science community is the bad guys and the heroes are the army peeps.  As the film begins a small Colorado town is quarantined by the army.  Residents are battling a flu like outbreak.  Soon the flu outbreak is a zombie outbreak.  As fast-moving dead eat most of the army, Corporal Sarah Bowman (Mena Suvari) leads a few of her troops through the heart of the outbreak.  Sarah has a heart and saves her brother Trevor (Michael Welch) and his hot gal, Nina (AnnaLynne McCord).  Nina is worth saving, as she has a streak of Alice (from "Resident Evil") in her.

Very sad, Sarah's CO, Captain Rhodes (Ving Rhames) comes up a bit short...literally.  Poor Rhodes, we will see him pull off his eyeball and eat it.  The pretty Sarah will also find an unlikely ally...a military zombie (Stark Sands) with a crush on her.  The gore is piled pretty deep, and our ever decreasing band of survivors will find an apparent safe zone...an underground military lab.  Their feelings of safety will quickly vanish as they realize they are in the core of what was Project Wildfire.  What is Project Wildfire?  Come on, you can guess that one.  Special kudos to one of this blogs favorite actresses, Christa Campbell, who plays a local housewife coming to terms with her increasingly zombified family.

Filmed in Bulgaria (kinda like Colorado without the glitter), "Day of the Dead" may seem like heresy to Romero enthusiasts.  However, standing on it's own merits, this one is a lot of fun, not preachy, and filled with over-the-top gore.  The acting here is better than 1985's "Day" and Mr. Miner succeeds in delivering a film that is 90 minutes of fun and scares.  Available on YouTube and occasionally on Syfy, treat yourself to this fantastic gore-fest.  

Dance of the Damned, Vampire vs. Exotic Dancer

Again we look at a Starr Andreeff film.  Last month we examined Syngenor in which the beautiful Andreeff was pursued by a gargoyle-like creature.  Before that, in 2014, we looked at The Terror Within where a nubile Ms. Andreeff was raped by a mutant gargoyle thing and assumed room temperature after the monster's spawn took form in her womb...so sad.  Today, a more conventional tormentor for Starr Andreeff...the vampire.  Just as cute, and just as vulnerable as in the above mentioned films, Ms. Andreeff will be entangled in a battle with deadly consequences once again. Today we take a peek at "Dance of the Damned" (an exotic dance, I may add) from 1989.

Jodi (Andreeff), a stripper...sorry...exotic dancer is at the end of her ropes.  With her life a mess, and apparently losing everything she values, she is suicidal.  With lots of pills and a pistol close by, she might just do it this evening.  Enter the vampire (Cyril O'Reilly).  Centuries old, and quite handsome, our monster has a heart.  He preys only on those who have already given up on life.  Sensing Jodi's desire to die, he approaches her.  At first, the vampire doesn't tell her his plans.  He brings her back to his ritzy home and fills her in.  Her fear and desire not to die surprises him as he believed he was doing her a favor.

Uh oh, the two develop an attraction for each other.  He still plans to drain her of blood before dawn.  As she fills the vampire in on her adult life story, she remembers her child which she lost custody of.  Facing death, she finds a will and reason to live.  This is unfortunate as he needs to eat this night, or he will die. However un-human he is, the vampire seems to have a compassion.  He helps her reconnect with the lovely parts of her life, and she shows him the beauty of sunlight in very imaginative ways.  The two need each other.  He needs her blood to stay alive.  She needs, or needed him, to show her she has reason to live.  Bad news, only one can emerge from this psychological dance.

Will our suave vampire feed tonight?  Will the suicidal Jodi's new found desire to live trump the monster's appetite?  Is "Dance of the Damned" a metaphor for the plight of the exotic dancer community in an increasingly conservative society?  (Especially in light of California's Proposition 60).  As usual, Ms. Andreeff is sultry, slightly naive, and tough in her portrayal of a torn apart exotic dancer.  More erotic than gory, with a very loud ending, "Dance of the Damned" (directed by Katt Shea) is a slightly different romance/horror film available on YouTube.

Elves, Nazi Experiment for Christmas

Santa's helpers?  No.  The Keebler elves?  No.  When Nazi scientists delved into the occult, and created a two-foot killing machine able to sneak behind enemy lines, homicidal elves were born.  Too bad for them Germany lost the war.  Decades later, the same Nazi scientists, now living in the U.S. will unleash their creation.  Today we look at 1989's "Elves."  This is a somewhat humorous horror tale that turns very dark and deranged.  Fans of Deanna Lund, the beauty from "Land of the Giants" will have mixed feelings about this tale.  She's in it, but will be left contorting and fried, and very nude, in her own bathtub.

Kirsten (Julie Austin), a beautiful virgin.  She lives at home with her perverted 10 year old brother Willy (Christopher Graham), her skank mother (Lund), and her grandfather, who is also her dad (Borah Silver).  Uh oh, grandpa, who is also pops, is one of the aforementioned Nazi scientists.  Kirsten is the virgin selected to mate with the two-foot monster elf and birth the master race. Kirsten doesn't know this and decides to sneak into a department store after closing with two of her friends for pre-marital sex and other hi-jinx...haven't we all.  This doesn't go well as her friends are murdered by either the Nazis or the elf.

Kirsten catches a break.  Grizzly Adams (Dan Haggarty) is the store Santa (replacing the old one, who got castrated by the elf), and he saves here.  Now on the run, Santa brings her home.  Waiting for her is Deanna Lund, who just drowned their pet cat in the toilet, and her grandpa/pop.  When the Nazis and elf converge, the nude Deanna Lund will meet a a tortuous fate.  Themes of Christmas, incest, and gory horror will play havoc with the viewer leading to an ending that will leave many with their jaws wide open.

From a tale ripped right out of today's headlines, "Elves" is a weird horror film, directed by Jeffrey Mandel.  Gratuitous and exploitative, fans of this blog will not want to miss this one which is available on YouTube.  As the Christmas season approaches, this may be the perfect film after watching Rudolph, the Grinch, "It's a Wonderful Life," and Charlie Brown back-to-back-to-back.  

Blood Orgy of the She-Devils, Exotic Dancers for Satan

In the opening credits of 1973's "Blood Orgy of the She-Devils," we learn that the dancer costumes were furnished by Eros.  Eros?  I wonder how that went down.  I can imagine sitting at the reception desk of Eros headquarters and Ted V. Mikels (the director) strolls in.  I'd greet him by saying hello and asking how I could help him.  He responds, I need a dozen costumes for a satanic dance team for "Blood Orgy of the She-Devils."  Would I respond by saying, "Let me show you what we have on this rack," or would I say "Can you be more specific?"  Perhaps the inspiration for the Solid Gold Dancers, our satanic dancers are the highlight of this film.

Mara (Lila Zaborin) is a satanic witch, and she is good at it.  She surrounds herself with a beautiful satanic dance team, and her servant Toruque (William Bagdad).  The sultry Lorraine (Leslie McRay) is one of her naive disciples/dancers.  Usually clad in mini-skirts, exotic dance costumes, or white go-go boots, Lorraine lures her main squeeze Mark (Tom Pace) to a few of Mara's black masses/seances. A skeptic, Mark is blown away and tells Professor Helsford (Victor Izay) about Mara.  Oh yes, Mara is approached by assassins who pay her very well to off the Rhodesian ambassador to the U.N. Yep, our plot is getting ambitious.

Mara drowns the ambassador using voodoo and then offs the two assassins, as they attempted to kill her.  Okay, so who among us haven't collaborated in the assassination of diplomatic schmucks? Fast forward.  Helsford is worried Mara is the real deal and seeks to protect Mark and Lorraine.  As another black mass is scheduled, Mara has something very special planned for someone...but who? As Lorraine joins her dance team by donning an alluring, and revealing black costume, sure to be loved by any of Satan's disciples, Helsford gathers a dream team of clergy and paranormal scientists.  What does Helsford have planned for Mara, and can he save the nubile Lorraine and Mark?

Ted V. Mikels is an exploitation film legend. He probably kept Eros in the black through the mid- 1970s.  Fans of the Solid Gold Dancers will love "Blood Orgy of the She-Devils."  True, the film lacks in certain areas, but as far as guilty pleasures, it does deliver.  After all, would you rather see a protagonist clad in a frumpy business suit or white go-go boots and a miniskirt? This dance extravaganza is available on YouTube.  

Flight of the Living Dead, Zombies on a Plane

Sultry stewardesses fighting evil is a plot device that has always done well on this blog.  Ursula Andress in Loaded Guns or Jamie Chung in Flight 7500 or Mercedes Mason in Quarantine 2 or my favorite Heidi Lenhart in Crocodile 2: Death Swamp have all left us agape with their beauty as they dealt with unruly passengers, ghosts, infected, or monster reptiles.  Alas, not all of these beauties have fared well...so sad.  Perhaps in today's feature, 2007's "Flight of the Living Dead" our high flying heroines will prevail against a plane full of zombies.  By the way, to see my reviews on the above noted films, just click on the above links.

Pretty Emily about to become a monster

A secret military weapon...a virus which animates dead soldiers so they come back to life and keep fighting.  Brilliant.  Not quite ready for the battlefield, but the virus ends up on Concord Air Flight 239.  Never good when your flight to Paris has secret cargo guarded by a guy in a containment suit carrying a machine-gun.  Turbulence strikes and the virus, inside a zombie gets loose and the fun begins.  Megan (Kristen Kerr) is a beautiful stewardess, who with Truman (David Chisum), a cop, and his prisoner Frank (Kevin J. O'Connor) will engage in an all-out war against the undead at 35,000 feet.  The ever increasing undead will go through the remaining passengers and crew like crap through a goose.

Gratuitous bathroom scene

In a very sad scene, the sultry stewardess Emily (Heidi Marnhout) will be half eaten by a passenger and turned into a maniacally lethal zombie.  As zombies come through the floors, walls, toilets, and air vents the victims will include skanks and hunks looking for pre-marital sex, a nun, more stewardesses, and pilots.  As Emily, now a monster, and most of the passengers converge on Megan and her two friends, another problem exists.  Realizing that the stolen virus is loose on the flight, the Pentagon orders Flight 239 shot down.  With a fighter jet pursuing them, our survivors must kill all the undead (is that a double negative?) and signal the jet-pilot to abort his  mission.

Megan at war

Will the pretty Megan be able to stay pretty, or will she suffer the fate or her stewardess colleagues? Will this be the end of the new secret virus weapon?  This is an action-packed horror film that has some truly amazing scenes (you won't believe how a zombie can take out a jet fighter at 30,000 feet). Directed by Scott Thomas, "Flight of the Living Dead" (aka "Plane Dead") is a lot of fun.  For those of you tiring of the seriousness of "The Walking Dead," this film is for you.  

Silent Madness, The Demise of Delta Omega Sorority

Delta Omega Sorority at Barrington Women's College is the latest sorority to be wiped out in a slasher film.  True, their coeds are nubile and sultry, but that won't help them stay alive.  Why do sorority houses endure the most horrible murders in slasher films?  This is an easy one to answer.  The guys that make these films, and put up the money for them, have all been rejected by beautiful sorority gals in their college careers.  Sour grapes, you might say.  Today we take a peek at 1984's "Silent Madness" which appeared in theaters in 3D.

17 years ago, the pretty coeds of Delta Omega humiliated an unstable maintenance guy who was spying on them during a spanking initiation rite (can we blame him?).  In return, he nailed them all....with a nail gun! This got our fiend, Howard (Solly Marx) committed to an insane asylum where he was pronounced criminally insane beyond hope.  It's 1984 and computers are starting to make our lives easier.  Not perfect, however, the computer makes an error and Howard is released.  The asylum doesn't care, but the stunning Dr. Gilmore (Belinda Montgomery) is ticked.  She knows that Howard is headed back to the scene of his bloody rampage.

Howard does head back and on his way, in beautiful 3D, offs a couple of campers having pre-marital sex.  Him with a sledge hammer, and her with a hatchet.  Before Dr. Gilmore arrives, Howard will compress Barbara's (Elizabeth Kaitan) head in a vice and burn off Lorraine's (Paige Price) face with hot steam.  Dr. Gilmore arrives determined to protect the surviving sisters.  Sadly, Dr. Gilmore will not do a very good job keeping coeds alive.  As Dr. Gilmore tries to locate Howard, she falls in love with a local reporter (David Greenan).  This guy won't be much help to her and we desire him to get cut in two.  Dr. Gilmore finds out Howard's backstory, but while she fills in the blanks, Howard continues to go through sorority sisters like crap through a goose.

Will Dr. Gilmore be able to save any of the sorority sisters?  Are there any ugly gals in sorority houses?  Dr. Gilmore will have to be cunning and smart to survive Howard, and the asylum administration who wish to cover up their error.  This film has some great kills, and some nice gore. Filmed in Jersey City, New Jersey and directed by Simon Nuchtern (who might or might not have been rejected by a sultry sorority babe in college), "Silent Madness" is available on YouTube.

Arachnicide, Giant Spiders vs. Italy

As both Russia and the U.S. send troops to Syria (the world never smartens up), a more deadly conflict awaits.  In 2014's "Arachnicide," Italy invades Albania. Part Syfy original rip-off, and part Italian horror film, this film, directed by Paolo Bertola, merges the two to make a gooey big monster film.  Bad dubbing, that weird horror music, and giant spiders deliver in this very cheesy film.  "Arachnicide" would more appropriately be called "Italian Commandos turn Mutant Arachnids into Green Ooze," or "Giant Spiders Chow Down on the Italian Military."  I guess those two titles are a bit contrived, but they do sum up this entire film.

An elite Italian military drug interdiction squad is destroying European drug crops.  Evil drug lords have moved their crops underground and have genetically altered the cocoa plant so that it grows faster and bigger.  Yep, you see what's coming.  Our commandos then parachute into Albania to take out one of these underground facilities.  Lt. Kolman (Gabriel Cash) leads our heroes.  Our unit is forced to take a scientist with them to collect the formula for increased growth used by the drug lords. You guessed it again, the scientist is an Italian babe, Dr. Saarti (Crisula Stafida).  You are on a roll, right again, Saarti and Kolman used to have lots of pre-marital sex together and now hate each other.

 Uh oh.  The drug cartels are smart. It's a trap!  No crops here.  Our bad guys used the new formula on spiders, and thousands of giant angry arachnids are waiting for an Italian meal. Now this film turns into a gratuitous machine-gun-mowing-down-spider gore-fest.  Our giant killers explode into green slime.  Unfortunately, the eight legged fiends still have an advantage.  Our commandos run out of ammunition, and the spiders reproduce at the speed of light.  Chomp Chomp. More importantly, Kolman realizes that he still has warm and fuzzy feelings for Dr. Saarti (...okay, this isn't more important, but fortunately, it isn't a big part of this film).

Will any of our commandos prevail against this abomination of nature?  Is this film a thinly veiled message for Italy to stay out of the political affairs of Albania?  Will the sultry Dr. Saarti and square-jawed Lt. Kolman have more pre-marital sex?  Most will despise this film, but fans of this blog will admire it's energy and directness.  A monster film with lots of machine-guns and arachnid beasts, never a bad combination.

Carnage Park, Heroes and Madmen

1978!  America is in the midst of a healing process. Corrupt government and confusing wars played havoc with the sensibilities of decent people.  Anti-war films were popular.  These films eventually fell by the wayside as they were seen as unpatriotic.  In truth, these films were less anti-American than they were anti-killing for ambiguous causes.  Films like "The Deer Hunter" hit the screens in 1978 and spoke to our social conscious.  In 1981, a less popular, but just as biting film, "Southern Comfort" told a similar message with a more domestic flavor.  I'm not sure if 2016's "Carnage Park" is an anti-war film, but the deterioration of the human psyche as killing is normalized, is a prevalent theme.

It'll get quite bloody.  We will be introduced to lots of seedy and vicious sorts.  Wyatt (Pat Healy) went to Vietnam and came home...deranged.  The government let him down and now he hunts on his huge tract of land in the desert. Not elk, not deer, not moose...humans.   Unlike deer or elk, some humans may deserve to be hunted.  Not Vivian (Ashley Bell). This sweet, pretty lady only desires to save her dad's farm from greedy bankers.  Now she will be tormented by Wyatt and two schmuck bank robbers (James Landry Hebert and Michael Villar)  Wyatt doesn't discriminate.  He hunts the good and evil.

Vivian appears outmatched.  She is much too clean and soft to stand up against evil incarnate.  As she flees the mad sniper, she meets dozens of Wyatt's prey, mostly dead ones. The gore-fest that unfolds before Vivian might be to her advantage.  Like Wyatt, Vivian is changed by the carnage.  Will this metamorphosis be enough to even the odds against our lunatic sniper?  Is Wyatt the true villain in this tale?

Perhaps a cross between "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and a Coen Brothers film, or between "Southern Comfort" and "The Most Dangerous Game," director Mickey Keating has made a horrific film with plenty of social commentary, just as relevant today as in 1978.  Available on Netflix, and not for weak stomachs, see "Carnage Park."  For two other Mickey Keating films reviewed on  my  blog, click on these two links Pod and Darling  

The Hatching, Crocs on the Moors

Americans know a lot about the moors.  They are populated by pagan worshipers just waiting to burn innocent tourists in order to beckon a fertile spring.  Charming, quaint, and deadly.  Throw in a crocodile menace and now we have a veritable horror film fun-land.  Throw in one of my favorite young actors, "Primeval" star Andrew Lee Potts, and we have a crafty, and somewhat comedic creature-eat-human horror film. Today we look at 2016's "The Hatching."

He will need a bigger boat

We've all been there.  A prank gone wrong.  Three lads try sneaking into the zoo, but the prank ends when a youngster is eaten by a Big Nile Crocodile in front of his two mates.  It happens.  18 years later, Tim (Potts) returns to this small village on the moors.  Lucy, his beautiful GF (Laura Aikman) joins him, but the town is a bit cool to his return.  They still see Timmy as the boy who fed his buddy to the croc.  Oh yes, a slew of young babes have gone missing around the moors, and a very enormous crocodile has set up shop.

She will need to row faster

The town, or most of it, is ignorant to this predator's presence, but not for long.  The thing is getting hungrier and venturing out of the water.  Uh oh, Our croc has friends who are keen on it's survival. As someone feeds the monster human body parts, usually those of English babes, the very cute and nubile Lucy is endangered.  Unbeknownst to Lucy, Timmy might know more than he is letting on about the crocodile horror besieging this quiet community.

Waiting

Will Tim be able to defeat the demons of his youth and fight the crocodile and his allies? Will the pretty lasses of this village be more of an endangered species than the Big Nile Crocodiles?  A few surprises and twists, and lots of severed body parts await the viewer.  Some good gore, a bit of humor, and really big crocs make "The Hatching" (directed by Michael Anderson) a nice catch for horror film fans.